Archive of Our Own

Keith wiped a grimy hand across his forehead, splattering a large cardboard box with sweat. There weren’t many boxes, since he didn’t own much, but it was enough to wear him out from lifting them and carrying them up three flights of stairs all day.

“All clear up there?” Shiro called, shuffling down the hallway shirtless and glistening with sweat as well. “Your bed is up in the master but I’ve yet to get the dresser put together. Are all the boxes here?”

Keith nodded. “Yeah, and thanks for helping. I didn’t think moving would be this… difficult.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Shiro said with a laugh, still panting slightly. “This place is nice.”

“It is,” Keith agreed. “Something just doesn’t feel right, you know?”

Shiro gave him a knowing look. “Well you just moved across the country, so that might be it. Oh, also you lost your memory a few months back, if you hadn’t noticed. Other than that, I think everything is totally and utterly right in your world.”

“Sarcasm, my love,” Allura tutted, entering the room from the balcony. “Keith doesn’t need that right now. Keith love,” she turned to the dark haired man, “the view is lovely. You’re very lucky VLD got you this place.”

“I should be thanking you,” said Keith, “for talking to your uncle about it.”

Allura waved his comment off with a delicate hand. “Oh, Coran is easily swayed, I had nothing to do with it. Thank Slav if you’re thanking people.”

Shiro scoffed, face turning sour. “Don’t even say his name. He’s a total dick Keith, watch out.” Keith laughed at the quick change in character at the mention of the old scientist.

Allura smacked his arm. “Slav is a genius, Shiro, and your elder. Show some respect.”

Shiro rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever.” Keith found it amusing to see his older brother act like an annoyed teenage girl. It was so unlike him, but Shiro held some grudge against Slav that Keith would never understand, and didn’t want to.

Allura practically floated over to Keith’s side and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. “As much as I’d like to stay, we must being going. I’ve got an appointment.” She pointed to her stomach. “Gotta make sure this little bugger is healthy.”

Shiro face softened. “We’ll get to see her today for the first time.”

“Or him,” Allura said. “I think it’s a boy, but my idiot husband is apparently dead set on having a girl.”

“Hey!” Came the indignant shout.

“Darling, I’m the one carrying it, and it feels like a boy,” said Allura, ghosting her fingers over the door frame. “Now get some clothes on.”

Keith chuckled. “I’ll miss you guys.”

Shiro frowned. “We’ll… miss you too.”

Allura beamed. “Of course we will, you’re family.” She pecked him quickly on the cheek before squeezing his shoulder and meandering away. “Shiro, I’m not waiting up!”

“She’s right,” Shiro said, grabbing his shirt off the couch and tugging it on. “You’re family, and if you ever need anything, you better call us.”

“I will,” Keith promised, slapping his brother on the shoulder.

“Oh, none of that.” Shiro grabbed him and wrapped him in a tight hug. “I’m gonna miss you.”

Keith curled into the embrace. “I’m going to miss you too.”

-

“Yes, I will get the final draft to you immediately,” Lance confirmed, sliding across the kitchen floor in his desk chair, cold phone pressed against his cheek. “I think you’ll love it. Alright. Bye.”

“Was that your publisher?” Pidge called from the couch, mouth full of popcorn.

Lance looked back at the small technician, sliding from the kitchen to the living room where he jumped off the chair and onto the couch next to them. “Editor. I’m finally having him look at it.”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Pidge asked, offering the bowl to him. “You didn’t really ask Keith if it was okay.”

“I didn’t use names, and he doesn’t remember anything anyway, so why does it matter?” Lance grabbed a handful and stuffed it in his mouth. “He won’t even know it exists.”

Pidge looked unsure. “Lance, I know this book has gotten you through the last couple months and all, and I’m glad you found an outlet, but... is publishing it into the real world a good idea?”

“Why not?” Lance swallowed. “I worked hard on it, why not share it? Come on Pidge, I’m okay now. In fact, I even have a date tomorrow.”

“You’re not serious,” Pidge said, “last I checked, you’re still a hot mess. Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“She’s hot,” Lance offered.

“So is Shiro, but you wouldn’t just date him.” Pidge shoved his shoulder. “Is there anything there or are you trying to distract yourself?” Lance stood up and started to walk away, but they grabbed his arm and shoved him back into the couch. “Don’t you fucking run, Lance, I’m not done. I think that writing it all out was beneficial, but I don’t think just throwing it into the world is a good idea.”

“Why not? It’ll make a lot of money, which is good,” Lance lied. He didn’t care about money and Pidge knew it. “I’ll use a pen name, too.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” they accused, wagging a finger in his face. “You think he’ll be at a bookstore one day and see this book by some guy named Billy Bob Blow Job, or whatever, and pick it up and be like ‘wow this looks so interesting, let me buy it’ and then he will and when he reads it he realizes everything, runs back to Arizona and jumps into your welcoming arms.”

Lance opened his mouth to reply, but couldn’t find the words to say. Pidge huffed and crossed their arms, giving him a look. “I’m your reality check, Lance. I wish you all the best, however sometimes, we just need hope, but we can’t expect a miracle.”

“I know I can’t expect one,” Lance replied, casting a glance to his computer. “But maybe I can make one.”

-

TWO MONTHS LATER

“Are you serious?” Keith exclaimed, bouncing in the cafe seat. Drew was sitting across from him, smiling over the edge of his coffee cup, blue eyes sparkling.

“Deadly,” he told Keith, taking a sip. “They want you for their annual gathering. A speech, just for you. I pulled a lot of strings to get you that spot, so please tell me you’ll do it.”

“Oh my god, of course,” Keith rushed, slapping his hands on the table. “It’s a little early, but shouldn’t I start to prepare a speech or something? If so, what should it be about?”

“Calm down, Keith,” Drew laughed, patting Keith’s hands. “On whatever you want. About whoever you want. Just make it inspiring.”

Keith pressed his lips together to keep from smiling. Things were just going right today, all the way from a perfect chai tea latte to his boyfriend making his dreams come true. Speaking of, said boyfriend was grinning again, his blinding white grin sharp against his warm brown skin.

“Thank you so much,” said Keith, reaching and twining their fingers together. “You’re the best.”

“Oh shut up, they’re only letting you speak since you’re so smart and doing amazing things,” Drew said, squeezing Keith’s hands. “And on that topic, I think you’re expected at work in a few minutes, so I’ll let you go. Plus, this Cuban boy needs to pay his abuela a visit. I’ll see you later, honey.”

“Thank you,” Keith repeated, sliding off the seat and swiping his cup off the table. Standing on his toes, he pecked a short kiss on Drew’s lips before squeezing his shoulder and almost skipping out the door.

The New York streets were relatively empty compared to their usual bustle as Keith made his way down 117th, happy with a warm latte in his hand and good news on his mind. Cars raced by, leaving the stench of fumes in their wake, but he didn’t even notice.

As he wandered further down the sidewalk, small bookstore caught Keith’s eye. He flipped his watch and checked the time. He had ten minutes until he was supposed to be at the VLD HQ, and it was only a five minute walk. Might as well , Keith thought as he entered the small store. Inside it smelled like paper and coffee. Untidy rows of books lined the small shop, colorful titles reading from fantasy novels to cookbooks.

Keith ran his fingers down the spines of each book as he made his way down the aisle. At the endcap, a new book was being displayed; a hardcover, decently sized book. Keith, intrigued, picked up the book and studied the cover. It was split in half vertically, the bottom being blue and the top red. In a delicate font, the word Purple was inscribed in golden lettering right where the two colors met. Keith turned it over, somehow feeling like it was pertinent, and read the quote and short description on the back.

“It’d been too long since Leo had felt as empty as he did that day, staring at the abandoned hospital bed. The rumpled sheets reminded him too much of Saturday mornings with him. The cold light felt like the lamp on his desk. The tile floor was too much like a worn bathroom. Life now was like a nightmare, and Leo didn’t think he was waking up anytime soon.”

When Leo Collins lost Kaine, he lost everything. Who he was before was no longer a reality, and who he became was something far more fictitious. Loss was a feeling Leo was familiar with, but this was something beyond. When someone dies, you get a headstone and a place to set flowers, or a distinct urn on a shelf with what was left. But when you lose someone who is still alive, it only leaves behind two hearts; one broken and one still beating.

Keith squinted, feeling an unfamiliar rush of emotion. Flipping the book back over, he read the author’s name out loud, “Sharp S.” It wasn’t someone he recognized, but the novel felt like the perfect weight in his hand, and a strange urge compelled him to march up to the register and purchase the book.

As Keith exited the store, he looked at the cover once more and felt that feeling again, that tide of fervor running through his veins, faster and stronger than any drug could feel. He huffed quietly and continued on his way to work as normal, the book sitting like a rock at the bottom of his bag.

-

TWO MONTHS LATER

Lance didn’t know how to make spaghetti. It seemed like such a simple dish, something that everyone should know how to cook, but he’d burned the pasta thrice already and he was slowly losing patience.

“Work, you piece of shit!” he yelled at the stove, whacking the glass top with a wooden spoon covered in sauce. “I knew I should’ve stuck with something easier, like peanut butter and jelly or ice cream, but no, I have to be a romantic and make goddamn spaghetti. Who the fuck do I look like to you?” Lance shouted at the pot of lukewarm water. “The fucking rat from Ratatouille?” he exclaimed. “No sir, I am completely inept and a fucking moron.”

“Yelling at the stove again, dear?” Alexis called from the dining room table where she set the mahogany top for two. “I thought we got over that.”

“How can one burn water?” Lance said, smacking himself in the forehead with the spoon, smearing sauce all over his face. “I’m sorry, we might just be ordering out tonight.”

“That’s fine by me,” said Alexis, swinging through the kitchen and putting away the leftover napkins. She swiped a finger across his forehead and sucked the sauce off. “I love Chinese food.” Her black hair swung against her neck as she whisked out of the kitchen and into the living room. “I’ll set up Netflix and you can call it in.”

“The usual?” Lance asked, picking the house phone off it’s stand and dialing the number from memory.

“Hell yeah,” Alexis said. “Get the good shit.”

After Lance hung up, he wandered into the living room, hugging her from behind and kissing her cheek. Alexis laughed, her grey eyes lighting up with amusement as she turned around and beamed at him.

“You are officially the biggest dork to ever live,” she announced, plopping down onto Keith’s side of the couch. Lance shook his head; that was Alexis’ side of the couch. She looked up at him expectantly. “You gonna sit or what?”

“Uh, sorry,” said Lance, sitting. “What’re we watching tonight?”

“Scrubs,” she replied, grabbing the remote to start the episode. “We’re almost through the season. If I didn’t have work tomorrow, I’d say we should stay up and finish it.”

“But, alas, you must go out and change the world,” Lance moaned dramatically, draping a hand over his eyes. “How terrible.”

Alexis laughed, punching his arm. “You’re a goof, Lance. My boss is on my ass about the progress of my latest work and I am so through with his constant nagging.”

“I’ll fight him,” Lance offered, slinging an arm around her as the theme began to play. “I’m always down to fight someone.”

“Nah, I should get it done anyway.” Alexis shrugged. “Anyway, no more talking about work. Cuddle me fucker, I’m needy.”

Lance chuckled and held her closer and for a second the flash of her dark hair reminded him of something he was trying to forget. A scent wafted through the air and lingered, the faint smell of cologne and dryer sheets. Lance shuddered and reached over to grab his phone as a distraction.

When he opened it, a message popped up from Shiro, surprisingly. Ever since he-who-must-not-be-named moved, the aforementioned man hadn’t made contact with him. Lance opened the message and read it a few times before it sunk in.

keith is telling me all about this new book he’s been reading i didn’t realize you’d written a book about it all. call me when you can, we should talk

Lance sucked in a breath and held it for a few seconds before exhaling slowly and pulling his arm back to his side. Alexis turned around and flicked and eyebrow up in a silent question, to which Lance answered, “Gotta call someone really quick. I’ll be back ASAP.” She nodded and turned back to the screen.

Lance got up and stepped into the hallway, closing the door silently behind him. The two holes in the drywall next to the door was an all too familiar reminder of the plaque that once hung there. Shaking himself off, Lance quickly called Shiro, pressing the phone to his cheek and bouncing his leg.

“Lance,” came Shiro’s deep voice, a bit clouded through the phone. “Care to explain?”

“Look,” Lance began, “it started as a coping mechanism, but then it just kept going. I wasn’t going to publish it, but when I work that hard on something, I don’t just leave it in my journal. I wrote it under a pen name and changed everyone’s name too.”

“Why?” Shiro asked, voice soft. “He doesn’t even realize.”

“Then why is it a problem?” Lance pressed. “I didn’t work on anything else for months and needed income too. I can’t take it back now, Shiro, and frankly, I don’t want to.”

“I’m not asking you to,” said Shiro, “I just hope you know that if he reads it, it’s not just going to all come back to him. And don’t-” Shiro said quickly, “say that’s not what you were going for. Because I know you, Lance, and you hold onto fading hope too much.”

“I’m not,” Lance denied, scuffing his foot against the hard carpet. “I’m in a nice, stable relationship with a lovely girl, why would I want him to come back?”

“You and I both know the answer to that question,” Shiro said. “And the lovely girl who is almost a spitting image of what Keith would look like if he were a girl? Come on, Lance. We all know what you’re running from, and-”

“This isn’t running,” Lance hissed, “this is me finally finding a place to stay. I’m not giving this up, especially not for someone who… who doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. This conversation is over.” He hung up before he could get a response and sighed in relief when Shiro didn’t call back.

Lance knew Shiro was right, deep down. But denial was all he had, and it’d been too long attempting to force a miracle, that he just stopped trying.

He stood outside for a minute before opening the door and smiling at his girlfriend, who was all that he needed, who was lounging out on the couch in a feline nature that was way too similar to how Keith used to lay. But it didn’t matter anymore, because all Keith was now was a fleeting memory of something that had been held onto for too long.

-

Sun trickled through the curtains, casting shadows across the cushion of the window seat. Keith felt its warmth through his sweatpants, sighing in content as he turned yet another page of Purple . The writing was mediocre at best, but the story was enticing, drawing Keith in with an unsuspecting hook.

He cleared his throat, finishing the page and turning another yet again. Right now, Leo was talking to his best friend about what happened to Kaine while crying. Keith felt an unexpected surge of sympathy for Leo, thinking about how terrible losing the love of his life must have been. And to know that Kaine was still out there, he just didn't remember Leo.

“You still reading that book?” Drew yawned, entering the kitchen and beginning to make coffee. His hair stuck up in the back and his blue eyes seemed tired.

“Mmhmm,” Keith hummed in reply, curling even more into himself.

“Going to be doing anything anytime soon?” Drew whistled, making his way over to the window seat after starting the coffee pot. “Anyone?”

Keith closed the book, keeping the page marked with his thumb. “You’re needy,” he stated, flicking a piece of fuzz off the cushion. Drew pouted. “Oh, don’t give me that face, I’m busy.”

“But I’m in dire need,” Drew said dramatically, “and all you’re doing is reading.” He collapsed onto the couch, sticking his leg out.

“Yes,” said Keith with raised eyebrows, “I’m reading; which is doing something.”

Drew groaned. “ Keeeeiiiitttthhhhh .”

“Later, impatient one.” Keith opened the book and continued reading.

“ Bien, entonces. Voy ir y cuidar de las cosas yo mismo ,” Drew  mumbled under his breath as he walked away.

[Fine, then. I’ll go take care of things myself.]

“I heard that,” Keith trilled. “No need to do anything by yourself, just wait until I finish this chapter.”

Drew stopped and turned around, eyes wide. “You speak Spanish?” He sounded betrayed and confused.

Keith thought for a moment. “I do, don’t I? I had no idea.”

“Is this one of those things that like-”

“Yes,” Keith said, knowing where he was going. “More stuff has been coming back lately. I guess I knew it from before, I don’t know why.”

“No, this is great,” Drew said excitedly, “now you can come meet my family and they’ll love you.”

Something about meeting Drew’s parents felt too real for Keith, and that unsureness hit him without warning. Why wouldn’t he want to meet his boyfriend’s family? That’s what you do when you’re dating someone, obviously. But something about it felt wrong, and for the first time, Keith wondered if Drew was in his life solely because someone else had left.

-

It was the day.

The day.

And Lance couldn’t wake up. His eyes weren’t open, but he could see their- his- bedroom ceiling, the endless spinning of the fan, the popcorn texture that had always entranced him as a child. Lance guessed it wasn’t that he couldn’t wake up as much as it was that he was never really asleep.

Groaning, Lance turned on his side and smacked his lips, recoiling at the taste of morning breath. When he finally opened his eyes for real, the calendar on the wall looked like it was taunting him, the current date staring at him dead in the eyes.

It took everything in him for Lance not to cry. Memories hit him like sharp rain, stinging behind his eyes. A red rose being tucked into a lapel. A red carpet. Red curtains. Red paper.

Red.

Lance blinked.

Red.

Lance clenched his fists.

Red.

A tear. Two tears. Three.

“ Red ,” he whispered, lips wet with tears and spit. “Damn it.”

-

“No, I can’t bring myself to,” Leo said quietly, facing Patrick with shattered eyes. “If he forgot me, he forgot me, Pat. There’s nothing else left to do.”

Patrick looked at him, disappointment in his eyes and a frown across his lips. “I get that, but you’re letting it destroy you. That’s why I’m worried.”

Leo furrowed his eyebrows. Patrick didn’t understand, because he’d never been in love. He could tell Leo anything, but it wouldn’t change what he thought or what he would do. Leo was too stubborn and still in love. He knew Patrick was aware of that, and despite it all, it didn’t stop his small friend from trying.

“You know he’s going to move,” Leo said, “to LA of all places. Shawn told me.”

“He’s a big boy,” Patrick replied. “The doctors have already said he’s remembered as much as he is going to. Let him go, Leo. You have to let him go.”

-

Keith chewed on his thumb, quickly turning the page and letting his eyes do all the work. He was sitting alone in the coffee shop on the corner of his street, sipping on a chai tea latte with his nose still in Purple .

The book was growing on him, and Keith read every chance he got. Kaine had just announced he would be moving, and now Patrick was trying to put Leo back together. Keith was having trouble with realizing the distinction between the emotions from the book and his own.

On top of the book, Keith was having weird dreams again. About what, he couldn’t tell you. All he knew is that he woke up either crying or trying to hold onto some memory of the dream. The nights Drew stayed over… well, Keith never woke him up. And if he did, Drew didn’t say anything.

Keith took a sip of his latte, licking his lips to savor the taste. The book felt like an anchor in his left hand, the cup a cloud in the other. The feeling in his stomach wasn’t quite inner turmoil yet, but it was bordering on it. Feelings, sounds, a sour taste despite his sweet drink.

Just days before, Keith realized that who he was now; none of it was what it was supposed to be. Reading the book... It all felt too real, compared to the fantasy Keith had been riding out for months now. How a fictional novel felt more realistic than his actual life, well that was beyond Keith.

All he knew is that since he’d started the book, nothing else had felt right.

-

“Do you think he likes the book?” Lance leaned over the counter where Hunk stood, making a steak salad for a customer. “Like, now that I know he’s reading it, I can’t help but think about everything I could’ve screwed up.”

“I’m sure he’s enjoying it,” Hunk reassured him, squirting a dark sauce everywhere. “I read it; it was really good.”

“Are you just saying that or are you being serious?”

Hunk set down the bottle and stared Lance down. “It was amazing, even though I don’t enjoy the fact that you changed my name to Hugh. Like, what? Anyway, you’re guys’ story was cute as it is, up until the whole accident part, of course.”

Lance scoffed. “Okay, you know I love you, but how is ‘Hunk’ any better?”

“You know, I can’t really answer that question. Move,” Hunk ordered, swerving around Lance’s thin frame out to the dining room. Lance sighed, flipping over and leaning back on the counter. He loved how Hunk’s restaurant smelled, and the whole joyous atmosphere of it, but he just wasn’t feeling it. Too many things on his mind, with the anniversary last week and some petty argument with Alexis.

It didn’t help that Pidge had to go visit Matt, because Lance hated complaining to Hunk. Pidge was content with listening to his woes but it always brought Hunk down. Lance hadn’t talked to Shiro or Allura since Keith left, minus that angry phone call. And being Lance, he needed to talk- to someone, about someone, at someone.

“Are you done wallowing?” Hunk whisked back into the kitchen, holding a tray full of empty glasses. “Because I have some good news to tell you. I was waiting for you to be done so this could make you happy.”

“What’s up, Hunkalicious?” Lance threw a fake smile his way, hoping Hunk couldn’t see through it.

“Shay is pregnant.” Hunk’s face brightened as he turned around and fixed his apron. “Don’t know when exactly she’s due, somewhere in June.”

“That’s great, Hunk,” Lance said, and he meant it. Even if the thought of their happy relationship made him a little sick, he pushed it aside and honestly tried to be happy. “That’s really amazing.”

Hunk perked up. “I knew that would make you happy!” He beamed, grabbing a loaf of bread. “Now get out of my kitchen, you lump. Don’t you have to work on that article?”

“Yeah,” Lance relented, “it’s not really me, but it’s money. And I have to do something for Alexis.”

“Something else happen?” Hunk asked. “You guys don’t seem too… together, recently, if I may say.”

“No,” Lance agreed, “you’re right. I can’t tell if we lost whatever had, or if just wasn’t there in the first place. God, I sound dramatic. I need to stop thinking about the book and Keith and just all of it.”

“Then do it,” Hunk said, “do something nice for your girl and enjoy life.”

“I will,” Lance lied.

-

“You’re just a stranger,” Kaine yelled. “That’s all you are.” He looked around like he’d lost something. “I’m sorry.”

Leo’s tear stained face wilted. “Please, don’t leave. You remembered!”

Kaine shook his head violently, dark grey eyes tearing Leo apart. “This is foreign to me, I’m sorry. I have- I have to go.”

Leo reached out but Kaine was gone, taking the steps down two at a time. “Please!”

But all he could do was watch everything he had run outside, and never come back.

End After Him.

Keith wiped a tear from his eye, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes. The couch felt like it was swallowing him. The book wasn’t even over yet. The Before section still waited for him to read. But Keith almost didn’t want to read it, not knowing that it ended like that. But something drove him to turn the page.

“Are you still reading?” Drew asked, walking into the living room. “Seriously?”

“Why is that bad?” Keith said defensively. “It’s a good book.”

“You don’t spend time with me anymore,” Drew said, gesturing widely with his arms. “It’s work, the book, work, the book. Shiro called me the other day to ask if you were okay, because apparently you don’t talk to him anymore either.”

“I just really like the book,” Keith mumbled, setting it down on the cushion. “Am I not allowed to be passionate about something?”

“It’s not that,” Drew shook his head, “it’s that you haven’t kissed me in three days, and we haven’t been out in weeks.”

“I…” Keith didn’t know what to say.

“Yeah,” Drew said quietly, “ you .”

“Let’s go then,” Keith said, standing up. “To the nice Italian place we like. Let’s go on a date.” He gave Drew a (hopefully) encouraging smile.

Drew allowed himself to grin a little. “Okay.”

Keith left the room, grabbing his hand and leaving Purple on the couch. He didn’t look back.

-

“I’m sorry,” Lance said, pressing his hands into the table. Alexis sat across from him, her dark grey eyes stormy. “I was being an idiot.”

“Yes, you were,” she said, scoffing. “I’m still pissed.”

“I’m sorry,” Lance repeated, holding out his hands. She gave them a wary look. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

Alexis reached out and hesitantly let him take her hands. “I expect something huge. Like, promposal style. I want a dance routine, flowers, cake, the whole shebang.”

Lance laughed. “Okay, babe.”

She smiled, squeezing his hands before letting them go. Lance watched as she walked away, her dark hair sweeping across her neck. The red of her sweatshirt burned Lance’s retinas.

-

The boy looked like something out of a classic coming-of-age movie, stormy grey eyes, shining hair, the whole shebang. Leo stared at him, warmth pooling in his chest. The boy dodged a flying football that sailed over the courtyard, his hands tight on the lunch tray he held. Leo turned to Hugh, eyes wide.

“Oh my god, he’s beautiful,” he breathed. Hugh laughed, throwing his head back. “I’m serious, look at him.”

The boy in question turned his head, looking at Leo in the eyes. Both boys’ pupils dilated. Leo took him in, from his red sweatshirt, the logo unfamiliar, and dark jeans all the way to his beat up sneakers. He suddenly became self conscious of his messy hair and plain clothes.

“I’m going to go say hi,” Leo said, pushing off the table and strutting over to him. The boy’s eyes went even wider, and he took a step back. He was even prettier up close. “Hey, I’m Leo. Are you new here?”

“Is it that obvious?” the boy said sheepishly, scuffing the ground with his shoe. “I’m Kaine.”

Leo grinned. “I’ve been going here since I was a small child, I know everyone. And I definitely haven’t seen you before.” He winked. “I would remember.”

Kaine gave him a strange look. “So you’re that boy,” he said, wrinkling his nose.

Leo tilted his head. “Sorry, what?”

“The one that flirts with anything that has two legs,” Kaine replied, raising an eyebrow. “Not interested in that bullshit.”

“I only flirt with attractive people,” Leo said defensively. “You happen to fall into that category.”

Kaine scoffed. “Yeah, take your empty flirtations elsewhere, thank you.” He strutted off the courtyard lawn and into the hallways, never once dropping his chin. Leo watched as he went, biting his thumb. Senior year was going to be interesting…

-

Keith laughed and tucked a leg under his thigh. Drew was at his parents’ house, which left Keith alone for the weekend. He’d started the Before half of the book, glued to his spot on the couch. So far, the author had shown witty commentary and snappy dialogue, a gaping contrast to the sadness the first half carried. Keith loved it.

A loud guitar riff ripping from his phone scared him out of his word stupor. Scrambling to pick up the phone, he saw it was Allura and clicked answer. “Hey?”

“Keith, darling, we’ve got some news,” she said, chipper. “I was right. It’s a boy.”

“Of course you were- wait, weren’t you waiting for it to be a surprise?” Keith asked, pressing a hand against the couch as he stood up.

“Oh, yes, I forgot.” She giggled. “We’re at the hospital now.”

“What?” Keith shouted. “Why didn’t you say that first?”

“Well, probably to spite Shiro,” Allura replied. “Hey, sweetie?” Keith could hear a faint greeting from his brother in the distance. “I told you so.”

Keith chuckled. “Is that all?”

“What, can you not talk to your sister in law? Or are you too busy reading that book?”

“How did you know?”

“Everyone’s reading it. It’s become quite the hit.”

Keith was surprised to feel disappointment hit his gut. It felt special to Keith, like it was written for him. That’s stupid, he thought, I don’t know anyone named Sharp S. And why is sharing such a terrible thing?

“It’s really good,” he said shakily, running a hand through his hair.

“Have you finished it yet?” Allura asked.

“No,” Keith answered, rubbing his neck. “Anyway, is the baby safe? And healthy?”

Allura laughed again. “He’s perfect.”

“What did you name him?”

“Caleb Ara,” Allura said, voice happy.

“Ara,” Keith said wistfully. “Like dad.”

“Yes, I thought that would be nice.”

“That’s great,” Keith said. But their happiness somehow made him feel sick. “Really great, guys.”

-

“Lance…”

Lance looked up to see Alexis holding something in her hand, eyebrows pulled together in an emotion Lance couldn’t quite decipher. “Yes?” he asked slowly.

Alexis held up a book and when Lance read the title, his heart dropped right out of his chest. “I’ve read a lot of your work, Lance,” Alexis said, turning the book over. “It’s written like how you speak. Now, I don’t know who ‘Sharp S.” is but…” She looked at him with soft eyes. “Lance, is this about your past?”

Lance couldn’t answer to that. Alexis just stood, frozen, his paperback copy of Purple , the one he kept in his pillow, held tight in her hand. The pages he folded were visible from the side, every sticky note, every quote he knew was highlighted.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?” she asked, but didn’t sound angry yet. “Here I’ve been, reading my own copy because I saw it Barnes and Noble and thought it looked cool. But I go to wash your sheets and this?” She lifted the book again. Lance flinched. “You’re either really into this book or this is your book.”

“It’s…” Lance couldn’t look away, as much as he wanted to. “Complicated.”

“So you wrote it?”

Lance nodded. “It’s realistic fiction, not-”

“I called Pidge because something was fishy about all this. She said to talk-”

“They,” Lance corrected. “You know this.”

Alexis rolled her eyes. “There’s no such thing- you know, I’m not getting into that right now. This isn’t fiction, Lance. There’s so much emotion in these words, I’ve cried many times reading it. Why didn’t you ever tell me that you were married ? That’s something you tell your girlfriend!”

“I wanted to forget about that part of my life,” Lance said, standing up. “He broke my heart okay, and I put myself back together.” He pointed to her hands. “That’s how I did it. That’s how I’m able to love you now.”

Alexis had tears in her eyes. “Lance, you don’t love me.”

“Yes I do!” he insisted, taking a step towards her. “Of course I do.”

“No Lance, I’m not sure you ever did,” she said. “I knew something was off, and I thought I could fix it, and you seemed like such a great guy, I just thought-”

“I did- do love you! Just because I used to love someone else doesn’t mean I can’t love you now. Lexi…” He reached for her hands, but she yanked away. “Look, why does this change anything?”

“Because Lance,” she said miserably, “someone who is in love with a person doesn’t write like this about someone else.”

“I’m a good writer!” Lance threw his hands up. “Those feelings, I had to let them go and I did. We’re together and-”

“You know, I’m not too sure about that.” Alexis opened to a page. “This ‘Kaine’, is he the one you always cry in your sleep about. Keith?”

“I don’t cry- what are you talking about?” Lance asked.

She looked at him like he was a little kid who didn’t grasp a concept yet. “You sob, Lance, it’s terrible. I thought they were just bad nightmares, but you call his name over and over. Is Keith Kaine? And you’re Leo, I presume?”

“Leo is Leo and Kaine is Kaine,” Lance said, reaching out again. “This doesn’t-”

“Stop,” Alexis ordered. “I just finished this book the other day. I thought, ‘wow, this was a good book’, then I read the dedication and think about the poor author and what he lost. Now…” She flipped to the front of the book. “‘ To KK ,” she read aloud, “ the only one who forgets this was real. Always love for you .’”

“His name was Keith Kogane,” Lance said quietly. “He was everything I wanted in high school. I’m sure you’ve read that fiasco. He was everything I needed through college. You know about that too.”

“And then you married him,” Alexis said flatly.

“Not officially, but basically,” Lance said. “He was a scientist and pilot for a large organization; VLD, where Pidge works. He was smart and stubborn and stunning. Is that what you wanted to hear? How I feel about him?” He stopped. “I mean, how I felt -”

“Denial looks so bad on you, Lance,” she said harshly, throwing the book at him. It hit his shoulder and fell off. “None of this was real. I know Keith Kogane, okay? We worked together a few years back. I didn’t know you were his Lance, I just thought…” She pressed a hand to her forehead. “I don’t know. But you know what everyone told us in the lab?”

“What?” Lance said meekly.

“That we could be twins,” she spat. “So what is it, Lance, that made you ‘fall’ for me. Was it the eyes? Or the hair? Or the fact that I’m fucking Asian?”

Lance was surprised by her abrasive tone. “No, that has-”

“Is this because of your tranny friend, huh? Did she- did it put you up to dating me or something?”

“No one insults Pidge like that,” Lance yelled. “I don’t care if you’re my girlfriend or not-”

“ Not ,” Alexis shouted back, “it’s not, now Lance. Are you happy? Are you heartbroken? Did you love me? Or did I just look like Keith when we fucked, huh?”

Lance stumbled backwards. “Lexi-”

“Oh shut the hell up,” she growled, grabbing her coat and stomping over to the door. “I hope you’re happy with your lies, your goddamn book and your right hand.” Then she just left, leaving the echo of a slamming door and the faint smell of perfume.

Lance fell to his knees.

-

“So this is it,” Leo said, swallowing hard. Kaine’s eyes were softer than usual, the tassel on his cap falling across them every time he moved his head.

“I guess so,” he said softly. Leo wanted to touch his face, but he was lucky enough to be his best friend, and despite his being head over heels, he respected that Kaine didn’t feel that way. And if Kaine was happy, so was Leo.

“I didn’t think this is how it would feel,” Leo said, looking across the football field. “Graduation had always been this looming landmark and now that I’m here…”

“It doesn’t feel real,” Kaine murmured, finishing the sentence. Leo stood silently for a minute, staring at Kaine with soft eyes. The boy was something else, every bit of him lighting an emotion inside of Leo, from his flat humor, his rare smiles, his brilliance. Here, in that moment, just them, Leo felt something clawing out of his chest. Kaine looked at him like he could feel it too.

Leo gulped. “Kaine-”

Kaine grabbed his face between his hands and pulled Leo down, kissing him hard. Leo’s eyes fluttered close as he wrapped his arms around Kaine’s waist, sighing contentedly. This was it. This is what he was missing.

And God, was he happy to have found it.

-

Keith stared at the page. All the feelings he felt reading the book had been strange, but this was by far the weirdest. Keith knew this wasn’t fiction. This had happened before.

This had happened to him.

He flipped to the front of the book, reading the dedication. When he finished, he choked and dropped the book.

Drew wasn’t real, was he? He was just a fill in for something Keith had lost. Or had he just let go? Why Drew, though? Was it the eyes, the gentleness?

And now, Keith didn’t really care either way.

-

“Why did you call me?”

Lance pressed a hand to his mouth to muffle a sob. “I didn’t have anyone else to call.”

“Not Pidge? Hunk?”

“Shiro, this is something only you can know-”

“Lance, wait, Ke- someone’s- calling.” The phone clicked off. Lance’s hand went limp, letting the phone fall to the ground. He was laying on his back, the hard couch digging into his spine. He ignored it.

So he was single. So maybe his ex had a point.

There was no getting over Keith Kogane. Lance knew that all along, he thought, he just didn’t want to believe it. He really had been lying to himself for all those months. Looking back, Alexis hadn’t really been perfect, at least not how he thought she was. Maybe he was blinded by the similarity, maybe he wanted her to be perfect; he didn’t know.

And now, Lance didn’t really care either way.

-

“What did you want to talk about?” Drew asked, sitting down at the table and smiling. Keith gave him a tight lipped smile in return. “You okay? Shiro’s kid doing well?”

“Caleb’s fine,” Keith replied, “it’s not really about that. It’s about…” He set Purple on the table. “Well, this.”

Drew picked it up. “The enticing book you’ve been drowning yourself in? What about it?”

Keith took a deep breath. “I think it’s about me.”

Drew stared at him for a moment before cracking up. He held his stomach, saying, “Keith, what the fuck? This is on its way to being a bestseller, so unless you’ve been hiding that you’re best friends with some famous author, I don’t really see how this could be about you.”

“It sounds strange, I know,” Keith said. “But… everything happening in this, it’s happened to me, Drew. More memories are coming back.”

“Isn’t that… a romance novel?” Drew asked slowly. “Keith…”

“I know it sounds crazy,” Keith said, “But I know that these things have happened to me. Things are blurry, but Drew, I was in love.”

“With that Lance guy, right?” said Drew. “But you’re over that now… right?”

Keith looked at him helplessly. “I don’t know. That’s why I needed to talk to you. I think… I think that some part of my subconscious still loves him. Whoever he is.”

Drew’s face shattered. “Keith-”

“I’m sorry,” Keith said helplessly. “My whole life has been a mess lately, and I thought you were the one constant, but now I don’t know if I just created you in my head, you know?”

“I’m real, Keith,” Drew pressed. “I don’t know what this is, but I’m here.”

“I think that’s the problem. It’s not you, it was never supposed to be you. It was always him… Lance.” The name sounded weird on his tongue. “Lance McClain.”

Drew’s eyes were sad. “You’re remembering him, aren’t you?”

Keith nodded. “I think so. He’s why I know Spanish, too, I think.”

“Okay,” said Drew, standing up, “this is okay. This is good for you, it really is.” Tears were forming, and Keith could see and it killed him.

“Our time together has been great,” Keith told him, meaning it. “But I think that time is gone.”

“Your past,” Drew said, “is now your present. And what was now…”

“Is back then,” Keith finished. “Do you understand?”

Drew laughed. “No, not at all. But it’s your battle, and your life. I knew the risks from the beginning, being with you. And I did enjoy being with you for the time I could, but it didn’t seem permanent, or real.”

“I know,” Keith agreed. “You’re a great person, Drew. I really hope you find someone real.”

“Thank you,” Drew said, holding out his hand. Keith took it, squeezing tightly.

Then he just left, leaving the echo of a thanks and the smell of cologne.

Keith fell to his knees.

-

The end of before was something Leo didn’t expect.

Kaine, on one knee, holding out a ring with a beautiful blue stone.

This , Leo thought, was what living felt like . Like wind between your fingers, and hand in yours, soft hair and smooth skin, red and blue and purple .

What was love? That was a good question.

The answer for Leo was on the ground before him, and that’s all that mattered.

-

Keith closed the book, finally finished. It was all back. Everything.

His head hit the back of the seat, watching New York leave beneath him as the plane lifted further and further into the air.

-

“Lance!”

Lance groaned and yelled, “No!” at the door. He was busy being miserable, spinning his ring over the surface of his desk.

“Lance, open up!” It sounded like Pidge.

“Leave me alone!”

“Lance, there’s someone here you need to see. Like, now.”

Lance groaned again, picking himself out of his chair. He looked a lot better than he felt; nice jeans and cardigan, although his hair probably looked like a mess. As he trudged to the door he smelled his armpit. Not that bad.

“Lan-”

“I’m literally opening the door right now,” Lance shouted, opening the door. He closed his eyes, rubbing a hand down his face. “I’ve had a really shitty last couple of days, okay? Just…”

“Sharp S., hmmm?” A voice that couldn’t be real asked. “You know, I expected something more… indecorous.”

Lance blinked open his eyes. Then he blinked again. Again. Then held them open wide. It was Keith Kogane, wearing dark pants and a red sweatshirt, with his reading glasses crooked on his face. But that wasn’t even the surprising part. His face… it recognized him. The years that they spent together were back in his eyes, his mouth twisted into a familiar smirk.

Pidge stood with crossed arms off to the side. “I must say, I didn’t expect this.” They grinned wildly. “You are a miracle maker, aren’t you?”

“What,” Keith said, smiling, “don’t remember me, blue?”

Lance felt a sob wrack his body. Keith’s eyes filled up with tears, looking more beautiful than Lance had remembered.

They both fell to their knees, clinging onto each other.

Purple .