Work Text:
Confessions
Father Maxi greeted the day with as much joy as he couldn't muster. He knew he was blessed with his life and he was happy with the path God had given him. It was just someday he wished he lived somewhere a little less exciting.
He greeted the nuns as he made his way to the confession booth. It was a Saturday so naturally the Stotch boy was waiting for him. He was glad the family were devoted Catholics but they really needed to ease up on the boy. Quite a bit of his confessions weren't even sins.
Father Maxi took his seat and waited. Sure enough, the blonde boy took to the confessional booth.
“F-forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been 17 hours since my last confession.”
“Child, you don't need to confess every little thing. We have been over this.”
“If I die tomorrow, I want to go to heaven! Besides this time I did do something bad. Really bad. Like against the Bible bad.”
Father Maxi sighed. He doubted Butters himself did anything bad. It was usually his friends that got him in trouble. “Go ahead.”
“Well I disrespect my parents last night.”
“Did you apologize?”
“No. And I won't. They started it. They are always saying things and making me feel bad and grounding me for no reason. Last night it was because they accused me of having sex with one of my friends. Like yeah I like him but I don't think he likes me. And we sure aren't doing anything. They shouldn't be assuming things. It's not fair. They should apologize to me!”
“Alright, calm down son.”
“Sorry father. Also I ate a cookie before dinner.”
“Five Hail Mary's.”
***
The door opened and closed. Father Maxi locked his phone before sliding the panel back.
“I don't really know how this works. I'm not Catholic. My friend just said this might be good for me.”
“Well my son, you start by saying “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. My last confession was, and then you give the amount of time, in your case never. And then you tell me what you did. I'll tell you how to redeem yourself.”
“Jesus Christ you Catholics are weird.”
“Taking God's name in vane is a sin.”
“Okay… uh… Forgive me father for I have sinned. I've never confessed. So I guess I have to tell you all my sins? Catholic or Jewish sins?”
So it was one of the Brofloski boys. “Catholic.”
“Then this could take a while. Well for starters I guess I just cussed for you guys. Sorry about that. I cuss a lot actually. Biggest sin I guess is I don't believe in your god. Or Jesus. Which I realize is stupid because I've met him. I guess I don't believe he was gods only son? Maybe I should just skip to what's bothering me. I want to break up my best friend and his girlfriend because she’s been taking up all of his free time and he keeps cancelling on me. Like dude, we made plans to see the new Terrance and Phillip movie when they announced it a year ago. We had the tickets. Just tell her to fuck off for one evening. Instead she made him cancel and I was too upset to go see it alone. No way in hell was I asking Cartman to see it. I think he was converting all the townspeople again after the release of Passion of the Christ 2. And Kenny… where was Kenny? I should just make him my new best friend but he seems to disappear a lot.”
“Have you tried talking to your friend about him ignoring you?”
“Yeah, he told me I was just jealous. I realized I just cussed again so that’s another sin. This is hard.”
“Well, you might consider talking to both him and his girlfriend. Maybe my making her realize she’s taking all of his free time, he will too realize it.”
“I guess I could do that. What do I owe you.”
“Pray fourty Hail Marys.”
“What the hell is a Hail Mary? And why? You catholics are so weird. How about six dollars. That’s 15 cents a hail mary.”
The boy shoved rolled up money into one of the holes in the panel between them before leaving the booth. Father Maxi rolled his eyes and pulled the money out. He was still staring at the money when someone else entered.
“Forgivemefa…” Came a familiar muffled voice.
“Remove the hood child before you begin confession.”
“My apologies. Forgive me father for I have sinned. It’s been a week since my last confession. I was a little too dead to come. I kissed another boy but he doesn’t remember and got grounded over it. Is it still a sin if he doesn’t remember?”
“Yes.”
“Well fuck. I’m not apologizing for it. It was nice and I totally plan on doing it again. I guess I’m just going to warn you a particular blonde is going to be seeing you a lot more frequently. You may want to keep in mind the words of Pope Francis. Now if you don’t mind, I have a particularly attractive boy to greet”
With that the door opened and closed. Father Maxi’s heart went out to the McCormick child. He felt as if the boy did not care for his life nor his afterlife. He had confessed to the priest on many occasions that he had died and everyone except the Mormons were going to hell. He felt the boy was just lost and he hoped the Stotch kid would get him back on the right path to God. Though he thought perhaps it was going to go the other way. Butters Stotch could be manipulated though he had been showing more of a back bone if his confessions were anything to go by.
The door opened and slammed shut.
“F-forgive m-me father for I have sinned. It’s been an hour since my last confession.”
Father Maxi buried his head in his hands. Speak it’s name and it arrives.
“I just kissed a boy and I liked it. My parents are going to ground me.”
“My child, the church will not condone you for your actions. As long as you have Jesus Christ as your lord and savior, you will always be welcome.”
“Thank you father.”
He let out a sigh of relief as the door opened and closed.
***
A knock on the panel awoke Father Maxi. He was having such a good nap. His chair/bed in the booth was the best idea he had in quite some time. The priest sat up and slid back the panel.
“Forgive me Father. I have sinned. I haven’t been to confession in a month. Mostly because I think this is all stupid and pointless since we are all going to hell.”
Father Maxi yawned and stretched. “What brings you here, my child.”
The boy snorted. “Not any of my sins. I just need someone to talk to that won’t go blabbing their mouth. I think I’m in love with my best friend. I love my girlfriend too, but she’s been super clingy and it’s so not like her. Then last night she decides to break up with me. No reason why, which is also normal, but we usually end up getting back together. So my question is, should I wait for us to get back together or should I tell my friend how I feel about them?”
“Well, I’m not really one to be asking about relationship advice.”
“Yet here I am,l asking. I mean what if I tell them and they don’t like me and that ruins our friendship?”
“Aren’t all relationships risk?”
Silence hung in the air before the boy spoke. “Yeah good point. I’m going to ask him out.”
“Him?” Father Maxi asked as the door opened and closed. Was the whole town turning towards the sin of two people of the same sex having a relationship? Sure the Pope said not to judge but it just seemed this all started with the Tucker and Tweak boys. Or did this start because of PC Principal.
Father Maxi didn’t have much time to think on it as the door opened and closed again.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” came the all too familiar voice.
“AGAIN!? Give me strength…”
“Well maybe if the Catholic church didn’t make everything illegal and strike fear into the hearts of it’s followers, I wouldn’t feel so bad! I had gay thoughts and and wearing mixed fibers! Plus I ate a cheeseburger!”
“I told you Jesus died for our sins and preached about how the old laws were no longer a thing. Wearing mixed fibers and eating the milk of an animal with the meat of the same animal is not a sin. Nor any of the other things.”
“Okay then…”
The booth was silent. Father Maxi thought perhaps he didn’t hear the door open.
“Forgive me father, It’s been 38 seconds since my last confession. Is it wrong to think that perhaps Judas was just really jealous because he was in love with Jesus and he just wanted the Lord all to himself, instead of having to share him with 11 other men?”
Father Maxi was speechless. He honestly didn’t know what to tell the boy. “Fifteen Hail Mary’s. And don’t comeback until tomorrow.”
***
“Forgive me father for I have sinned it’s been a month since my last confession. I-I’m so sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Father Maxi didn’t bother looking up from his phone. He wasn’t risking losing this round of Holy Crusade. He had been on this level for two days.
“I started a group for Passion of the Christ 2 movie lovers. They for some reason have decided that eradicating everyone who is not them is the best idea! I just wanted them to eradicate all the Jews and PC frat bros! How do I stop this?”
“Uh-huh…That’s nice.”
“Goddamnit! Are you jerking off over there. Fuck this! I’ll … oh god… I have to ask Kyle for help!”
The door slammed and Father Maxi briefly wondered what that was about before going back to his game. Calmly, and without pausing his game, he made his way to his office. Tomorrow was Sunday which usually meant the adults would confess their sins. He really needed to relax before then.