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“...And he’d just sit there for hours, never saying a word.” Garrus’ modulated voice echoed strangely over the buzzing undertone of the exposed power conduits they were working on. “I caught him sleeping a few times, just laid out next to the gun battery.”
“Really? And you never asked him why?”
“Didn’t have to.” Garrus looked up and stared off to the side for a second, thoughtful. “Shepard’s never liked being alone. And he never trusted Cerberus.”
Kaidan thought about that for a moment. About how, even on the first Normandy, Shepard had always seemed to be surrounded by people. How he would draw a crowd around himself without really meaning to. And how he’d look like a deer caught in running lights if that crowd was a bunch of people he didn’t know, fawning admirers, or if anybody approached him with a vid recorder. “He needed someone he could trust...someone to watch his back...” He murmured, mostly to himself.
Garrus made a noncommittal noise. “To be honest, I didn’t mind the company. It wasn’t one of the better periods of my life.”
It was about then that the commander himself slid down the ladder into their workspace and said, "Ah, there you are."
“Hey, Shepard, I was just warning the major here about your snoring.”
Shepard gave Garrus a look as he walked over. “I don’t snore.” Then he turned to Kaidan. “He’s lying. Don’t listen to him.”
Garrus laughed quietly and spread his mandibles in the Turian equivalent of a smile.
Shepard shook his head. “Garrus, I need you in the shuttle bay in twenty. We’re hitting the dreadnaught.”
“Understood, Commander.”
“Leaving me behind, Shepard?” Kaidan put in.
“Heh. Sorry, K, but I’m gonna need a sniper.” He smiled and clapped Garrus on the shoulder.
“Don’t worry, Major,” Garrus said. “We’ll tell you all about it when we get back.”
-----------------
This was an awful idea.
“How’s it going, Shepard?” said Tali’s voice in his ear.
‘Yeah, let’s have a spacewalk through a blasted-out docking tube in the middle of a space battle. Fucking brilliant, Nate.’
“Shepard?”
“Fine,” he said, a little harsher than he'd intended. “Slowly. It’s a mess in here.” He stepped, very carefully, around a blackened hole in the structure, forcing his eyes to stay focused on his feet and not out at the black, unending void. “Mag boots weren’t built for speed.”
“The dreadnaught has artificial gravity,” Tali soothed. ‘Shit, is my voice shaking? Can she hear it?’ “You’ll have an easier time once you reach it, Commander.”
‘IF I reach it… mierda, Nate, don’t even think like that.’ “I’m moving as fast as I can,” he said. ‘One foot in front of the other. Come on, Nate. Stop shaking. Don’t throw up. For the love of god, don’t throw up.’
A blinking indicator alerted him to a message over his private comm. He flicked over with a twitch of his eyebrow.
“Hey, it’s me,” a familiar, gravelly voice said in his ear, briefly reminding him of the last time he was in space, hearing that voice… ‘No, don’t go there. Stay in this moment. Focus.’ “Are you all right?”
“Kaidan, I’m on a mission. You’re supposed to be radio silent.”
“I know, but you look like you’re about to go into arrest out there.”
“Did you hack my vitals monitor again?”
Kaidan sounded mildly annoyed. “Sue me for wanting to keep an eye on you. And you didn’t answer me.”
He sighed. Carefully nudged a hunk of rubble out of his way, trying to ignore the memories of pushing empty flight chairs out of his way, chairs that sometimes still had still bodies strapped in. Of the heavy sound of his own breath in his ears, the eerie silence. ‘Stop shaking. Stop it.’
“Shepard--”
“I’m fine,” he nearly snapped. Dammit, he didn’t want to get angry, but his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He needed to concentrate.
Kaidan’s voice was quiet, concerned. “Don’t lie to me, Nate.”
‘Chingao, now he thinks I’m angry at him. I don’t...’ He took a deep breath; held it for a count of three, then released it slowly. It helped the shaking for a moment. “It’s just the zero-G,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”
“...okay.” Kaidan didn’t sound convinced, but it would be enough.
‘Deal with it later.’ Shepard could see the airlock door only a few meters away now. He flicked back to his squad comm. “I’m nearly there. Just a --”
Metal shifted beneath his feet. His footing slipped. He looked down and there was only a black, endless, yawning void below him and his gut jumped right up into his throat.
----------
Kaidan’s breath caught. Shepard’s vitals spiked, his distress levels high enough to ping the warning indicator. Garrus and Tali were yelling for Shepard over the squad comm, readouts from the shuttle’s sensor camera showing the docking tube splitting; part of it floating slowly away from the ship structure. ‘Oh, God. Not again.’ Kaidan flashed back to nightmares he’d fought with for three years. Shepard calling for him, a dark figure splashed with red floating slowly away to burn up in the atmosphere of a frozen world, gasping helplessly for breath--
“I’m here. I’m all right.”Shepard’s voice crackled over the comm, strangely emotionless, but him. “Looks like the rest of you won’t be following me, though.”
‘He’s alive. He’s okay.’ Kaidan started breathing again.
-------------
Shepard made it through the mission, made it back, and Kaidan waited anxiously for the reports and the war meetings with the Quarians to be done. He busied himself going over his own reports and pacing the observation deck. He left Shepard a message to meet up when he was done. He didn’t get an answer back.
He knew Shepard was on emotional lockdown. He’d seen it happen before, often enough to know the signs. Shepard was refusing to feel anything. Shutting out anything that didn’t directly involve The Mission, and it seemed like that included Kaidan. It hurt, but Kaidan understood that it was a pain response. Shepard--Nate--was running. Trying to keep ahead of a breakdown. But whether he would admit it or not, he couldn’t keep running forever. Kaidan wasn’t about to sit around and watch him implode.
“EDI,” he called out, “Is the commander out of meetings yet?”
“Commander Shepard left the War Room approximately twelve minutes ago, Major. He is currently in the shuttle bay.”
“Thanks, EDI.” He headed for the elevators.
He exited into the bay to find Shepard and Vega engaged in conversation over a pile of gear they were cleaning, with Cortez breaking in with a word or two from beneath the Kodiak’s port engine block. Most of the conversation was in Spanish. Kaidan felt a little pang of alienation, knowing that was a part of Shepard that he couldn’t share, not yet. Maybe when the war was over, he could learn...
Kaidan watched Shepard closely as he crossed the bay, noticed the pinching around his eyes and the tension in his shoulders. Shepard set down a piece of his disassembled rifle and cursed, and Kaidan saw that his hands were shaking. Bad sign. Shepard turned to Vega, who was concentrating on a delicate piece of machinery.
“Ey, quieres bailar, Chingón? Necesito desfogarme .”
“Estoy trabajando, Loco. Más tarde, yeah?”
It went on a little bit, sounding to Kaidan like a...disagreement? Friendly, but a little strained. He leaned slightly against the shuttle and asked Cortez, who’d stayed out of the exchange, “what are they saying?”
Cortez poked his head out of the engine. “Oh, hello, Major. I didn’t hear you come over.”
He waved away Cortez’s intention to salute him. “It’s all right, Lieutenant. Just...looking for Shepard.”
Cortez chuckled. “The Commander’s down here a lot. He and Lieutenant Vega work on keeping their hand to hand sharp.”
“Is...that what they’re arguing about?” Kaidan wondered, as the two continued sniping at each other.
“Ah, they’re not arguing. It’s just how they deal with stress. Yell about it, hit things.”
Kaidan made a thoughtful noise.
Cortez hid a sly look as he ducked beneath the engine again. “You know, Major, a lot of us were hoping you’d be helping the commander with that stress thing.”
He gave the pilot a cautious side-eye. “Why’s that?”
“You don’t know how he was before you came aboard,” the voice echoing out from under the engine block sounded amused. “Tense, angry. Kind of a hard-ass,
really. And from what Garrus and Joker have shared with me, he was even worse when Cerberus had its claws on the Normandy.”
Kaidan frowned, remembering a message he’d gotten over a year ago. A message he’d played exactly once, before it had hurt too much.
“Been a lot more relaxed since you came aboard, though,” Cortez continued. “I think you’re good for him.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Cortez poked his head out, smiling. “You two haven’t been nearly as subtle as you think you’ve been, sir.”
Kaidan exhaled resignedly. He supposed it had to be inevitable. The SR2 was bigger than the original Normandy, but still. ‘And sound echoes pretty badly in those maintenance tunnels...’
“Actually, he’s seemed a little off since that last mission,” Cortez continued, blithely. “You didn’t get in a fight or anything, did you?”
“I’m… not sure,” Kaidan said. “I don’t think so.”
Cortez paused in the act of going back under the engine and gave Kaidan a serious look. “No offense intended, sir. But that definitely sounds like something you need to check up on.”
Kaidan exhaled and pushed himself off the side of the shuttle. “Yeah...yeah, you’re right.” He called across the bay. “Hey, Shepard!”
Shepard looked up at the sound of Kaidan’s voice.
“If you’re looking to go a round or two,” he continued, “I’m game.”
Shepard frowned. “Kaidan, you don’t know how to box. Do you?”
“Come on, I’ve trained in hand-to-hand. Same as you.”
“Yeah but…” Shepard looked away, seeming to grope about for an excuse. “You’ve got biotics,” he decided, “unfair advantage.”
Kaidan gave him a challenging grin. “You afraid of me, Shepard? Or…” the grin faded, and he stared at Shepard across the bay, “are you afraid of taking a swing at me?”
The tension in the room ratcheted up a couple of notches. “Is this about earlier?” Shepard asked him, his voice low and uncertain.
“No. It’s about you blowing me off since you got back. And about how you look wound so tightly you’re ready to snap in half.”
"I'm fine," He said automatically.
"I told you not to lie to me."
Shepard crossed the bay into talking range, giving Kaidan an even stare. “Kaidan…” he said in a warning tone.
Kaidan met the stare. “Yeah. That intimidation tactic isn't gonna work on me. Now, are you able to talk without using your fists?” An idea came to him, and he tilted his head slightly and shot Shepard a grin that was almost predatory. “Or, ah, maybe you need some other kind of stress-relief activity?”
Shepard’s eyes widened. Vega yelled, “Damn!” from across the bay and Shepard turned back to snap something at him. When he looked at Kaidan again, his expression was confused. Kaidan didn’t back down. ‘You’re not getting rid of me that easy, Commander.’
It was a tense couple of seconds before Shepard admitted defeat. “Fine,” he said, tightly, “you wanna talk? We’ll go talk. Come on.” He grabbed Kaidan by the bicep and dragged him towards the elevator.
Kaidan considered protesting, but Vega was catcalling them and, to be honest, Shepard’s attitude was...kind of hot. In a way.
Shepard didn’t look at him through the elevator ride up to his cabin, but he did keep his hand held lightly on Kaidan’s arm. When they reached the top, Shepard walked ahead of him and broke the contact. Kaidan followed quickly and caught his hand. Shepard looked back at him. They stood there, staring awkwardly at each other between the elevator and the door for what felt like forever, before Shepard broke the silence.
“You’re not really here for ‘stress relief’ are you?”
Kaidan frowned in concern and stepped closer. “I can be,” he said, “but I’m worried about you.” Shepard looked away, but Kaidan caught his chin and made him look back, caught his eyes, and realized with a sudden shock that the commander had to look slightly up to meet his eyes. ‘How did I never notice that before? He’s always seemed so much larger than life...’ “Nathaniel,” He said gently, hoping the use of Shepard’s first name would get through the walls he had up, “you’re on lockdown. I can tell. Talk to me.”
“It’s nothing,” Nate evaded. But he kept eye contact. Good sign.
“It’s NOT nothing, Nate. Don’t lie to me.”
In response, Shepard clenched his jaw and pulled Kaidan through the door into his cabin.
Kaidan had never been up here before, and he was immediately struck by how un-Nate everything felt. It was big and fancy, with little untouched luxuries he was pretty sure Nate didn’t know what to do with. Like the empty display case and the wall-sized aquarium filled with nothing but water and standard pebbles. “Wow. Cerberus went all out up here, huh?” he said without thinking.
“I hate it.” Nate said tightly.
Kaidan looked back at him, furrowed his eyebrows. “Yeah, it...doesn’t really feel like you.”
Nate just shook his head.
Kaidan pulled him over to the sofa and sat down. Nate fell in heavily beside him. ‘God, he looks so tired.’ He reached over and took Shepard’s face in his hands, making the other man look at him. “Okay,” he said softly. “There’s nobody here but me now. You can let it go.”
Nate tried to look away, but Kaidan wouldn’t let him. “Hey…” he said, quietly, trying to keep Shepard looking at his eyes. His thumb brushed affectionately over Nate’s cheekbone. “You know if you keep locking stuff away like you are, you’re gonna run out of room.”
“I can’t,” Nate said, unsteadily. His hands were clenched over his knees, and Kaidan wondered if it was to keep them from shaking.
“Can’t what?” he prompted.
Shepard sighed. “I can’t...crack. Can’t show I’m cracking.”
“Nathaniel, you’re not just cracking, you’re breaking.” Kaidan gave him a serious look. “And I’d rather you do it in here than on a mission or out solo where I can’t watch your six, all right?”
Shepard closed his eyes. His hands came up, tentatively touching Kaidan’s arms, and they were shaking. “Kaidan…”
Kaidan took his hands, leaned forward and touched their foreheads together. “Do you trust me?”
“Yeah. This isn’t about that--”
“Then what’s it about?”
He fought to look away, but Kaidan wouldn’t let him run away from this. “Dammit, Kaidan…”
“Stop shutting me out, Nate. Please…”
That got his attention. He stilled and stared at Kaidan.
“Please,” he repeated in a whisper. “I can’t watch you implode.”
There was a long moment of silence, where they just stared at each other, Shepard fighting against something. Finally, he gave in. He closed his eyes, exhaled, and slowly, exhaustedly, fell forward. His head ended up rested on Kaidan’s shoulder, his body awkwardly leaning on him. Kaidan didn’t care just then. He wrapped his arms around Shepard and held him, stroked his hair, and listened. Shepard started shaking all over. “I can’t do it, Kaidan,” he said. “Everything’s riding on me. Everyone’s depending on me. Everyone. I can’t. I can’t. And if I stumble everybody fucking dies.”
“Ssh,” Kaidan said. “I know. You can’t do this alone, Nate.”
“But I have to.”
“Why?” he snapped. “Why do you always think you have to do things on your own? Your friends are here to help you. I am here to help you. Let us.”
Nate turned his head to the side, stared off into space. “I...I don’t know how to do that.”
Kaidan smiled. “Well, you can start by listening to us when we tell you to take a second to breathe.”
He huffed out a little annoyed breath. He didn’t say anything else, but that seemed to be the end of the conversation. Kaidan was content to sit there, rubbing Shepard’s back (if a bit awkwardly), and sitting in silence.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat there. Minutes? It didn’t really matter. Kaidan was caught thinking about how Nathaniel’s breath felt tickling over his neck and how he smelled like weapon grease and sweat. ‘Could use a shower...wow, okay. Awkward to think about that just now...’
After a while Shepard sat upright. They stared at each-other. Kaidan waited for him to break the silence. To his shock, instead of saying anything Shepard climbed over and settled onto Kaidan’s lap, straddling his legs. Kaidan forgot to breathe for a moment.
Shepard--Nathaniel--leaned in and kissed him. Soft and quiet and a little bit uncertain. He tasted like salt with a hint of copper. Kaidan’s hands slid up and cradled Nathaniel’s face, thumb brushing absently over his jawline.
Nathaniel pulled back far too soon. He pressed his forehead against Kaidan’s, his voice so quiet it was barely audible. “Stay the night? Nothing has to happen. We hit Rannoch in the morning, I just….”
He hates to be alone... “Yeah. I’ll stay as long as you want me.”