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HEROIC HAL V.O.
Greetings, Junior Adventurekateers, and welcome to legendary Apex City, home of that high-flying scion of science, Captain Laserbeam! We join our hero giving back to the community at the local Learning Annex.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Welcome to Basic Cooking, class! I know the first three were cancelled due to supervillianous intervention, but let’s get started. You, with the question?
CITIZEN
Um, Captain Laserbeam? Why are you teaching this class?
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
To share a life-long love of cooking, of course.
CITIZEN
But isn't there something else you should be doing with your superpowers and stuff?
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Volunteering is a super big help! While I may stop crime once it's begun, who knows how much crime the simple act of volunteering in your community prevents? Probably a lot!
CITIZEN
But it doesn't seem like the most effective use--
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Look, do you want to learn how to make empanadas or not?
CITIZEN
(Sullenly) ...I wanna learn how to make empanadas.
(SFX: ADVENTUREKATEER DISTRESS CALL)
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Wait--The Adventurekateer Distress Call? Operating on a frequency only I can hear? Thanks, Laser Hearing!
CITIZEN
Really?
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Don't even start. (To the rest of the class) Sorry, would-be foodies, but if the Adventurekateer Distress Call has been activated, that means serious trouble's brewing in Apex City. Maybe next week? So long, and away!
(SFX: TAKING OFF)
CITIZEN
Aw, man, this class is a total ripoff.
HEROIC HAL V.O.
Captain Laserbeam flies faster than a thousand hummingbirds to the Adventurekateer Clubhouse!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
No malice escapes their sight, no crime escapes their ears--They hear, they see, they report to me: Captain Laserbeam's Adventurekateers!
DANA & PATRICK
(In unison) Captain Laserbeam!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Just what evil lurks, my young chums? Is Opposite Dave out implementing a pernicious polarizing plot upon our fair city?
DANA
Worse!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Is The Penguinator attempting to filch the flight from our fair city's fowl?
PATRICK
Worse, Captain Laserbeam!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Don't tell me Agony Aunt is out spreading both excruciating pain and the wearing of gaudy oversized turquoise and silver jewelry!
DANA
Worse!!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
What could be worse than that, Dana?
DANA
The Stark Raving Gentleman has escaped from the Incarcer-atarium and he's probably going to hatch another literally crazy scheme to turn the whole city as nuts as he is!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Leaping Laserbeams! How did you find out?
PATRICK
(Almost audibly shrugging as he speaks) The ACPD put out an APB. I was monitoring the scanner. He was last seen heading toward the warehouse district.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Oh. Well heard, then, Patrick!
DANA
The Stark Raving Gentleman is your eighth most dangerous foe according to the Adventurekateer database! Maybe you should team up with someone.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
That's not a bad idea...
PATRICK
What about Phillip Fathom, Deep Sea Detective?
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
But the Stark Raving Gentleman isn't even remotely an aquatic-type villain, Patrick.
PATRICK
I just thought 'cause you and Phillip Fathom have been teaming up a lot lately and--
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(Defensively, stepping on PATRICK's line) To fight crime!
PATRICK
That's what I meant. What are you talking about, Captain Laserbeam?
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Er, nothing. Nevermind. It's a long way from Aquapolis, anyway.
DANA
Actually, I got a text from Starlee, y'know, my second cousin who's an Investagateen? Phillip Fathom is chasing another crime ring run by the Neptune's Angels in Apex City Harbor. He's in town!
PATRICK
That's what I was gonna say earlier. I didn't start being an Adventurekateer yesterday, y'know, Captain Laserbeam.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(Basically ignoring PATRICK) Well, it probably wouldn't hurt to call, right? I'll just get on the Hero Line...
(SFX: BEEPING OF A TOUCH-TONE DIAL)
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(Casual to the point of failing entirely to be casual) Oh, hey, Phillip Fathom, listen, I--hmm... Uh-huh, tendrils of the deep, yeah... Look, I heard you're in town and the Stark--Of course you already know. Well, were you even going to call me? No, it's not about jurisdiction, I just--
(CAPTAIN LASERBEAM stops talking, having clearly just been hung up on)
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(To himself) How can he manage to audibly disappear?
DANA
Well? Are you teaming up with Phillip Fathom, Deep Sea Detective? Or maybe it's time the Adventurekateers got in on the action! I just achieved yellow belt in my karate class!
PATRICK
Geez, take it down a notch, Dana. What's that even gonna do against a supervillain? Especially one known for being, like, the most insane.
DANA
Cutting everybody down all the time doesn't make you cool, Patrick. You think it does but it doesn't.
PATRICK
I'm just being realistic.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Now, kids, stop bickering. Phillip Fathom will be here in a minute or so, probably, so you two will be with me in spirit, and spirit is--
DANA AND PATRICK
(Singsong) Stronger than one hundred lasers.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(Irked) And also I have my one hundred lasers.
(A few seconds pass. Throats are cleared.)
PATRICK
Phillip Fathom seems kind of difficult to work with, Captain Laserbeam.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Actually, once you get to know him, he's... Well, pretty much exactly what he seems like, but you get used to it.
DANA
Whoa, the lights just went out!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(Sotto voce) Like this. Totally used to this now.
(SFX: PHILIP FATHOM's THEME MUSIC BEGINS)
PHILLIP FATHOM
I am the lightless depths of the wine-dark seas. I am the flicker of bioluminescence right before the long teeth of justice snap closed around the wicked. Like the floating island of plastic in the belly of the Pacific, crime is both unsinkable and toxic, and it's up to me to clean up these mean seas.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
We're actually going to the warehouse district.
PHILLIP FATHOM
IT WAS A METAPHOR!!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Right. Good to see you again, Phillip Fathom. These are my Adventurekateers, Patrick and Dana.
DANA
Hi.
PATRICK
Whatsup.
PHILLIP FATHOM
You... You're Starlee's second cousin. Paternal side. Through marriage.
DANA
She told you?
PHILLIP FATHOM
She didn't need to. And you...
(PHILIP FATHOM stares at PATRICK for several long seconds)
PHILLIP FATHOM
(Whispering even more than usual) You could be the most dangerous one of all...
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
What, Patrick? That's... Huh. Anyway. We should be off. So long, and away!!
HEROIC HAL V.O.
Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse in the Apex City Warehouse District...
(Scene opens on THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN mid-rant to his henchman TYLER. THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN speaks in a precise, flowery manner, occasionally breaking into wild bouts of yelling. Of course he is wearing a top hat.)
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
And after I release the contents of these tanks, I shall proceed to make the entire city my very own MAD MANSION.
TYLER
(Kinda not into it) Hmm? Oh, like mad house, but fancier. Yah, I see whatcha did there.
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
My dear Mr. Foxworthy, I sense your mistrust of me and while I absolutely conceed another man's right to his opinion, it is also DRIVING ME CRAZY AND MAKES ME DESIRE NOTHING LESS THAN YOUR UTTER DESTRUCTION!!
TYLER
I mean, it's a little one-note, don'tcha think? It's like, my first ever henching job was for you and it was pretty much the same plan as this.
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
Ah, begging your pardon, but haven't you ever heard that very definition of insanity is committing the same deed repeatedly and expecting it to bear different results?
TYLER
Well, yah, everyone has. But it doesn't, is the thing.
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
I present this to you for your consideration: A supervillain cannot help his or her predilections and criminal obsessions. They are a part of the villain, but what truly makes one super is to accept one's flaws as part of the unique whole.
TYLER
Aww, that's kinda beautiful, boss.
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
Isn't it, though? I learned that in group therapy in the Incarce-atarium.
TYLER
I heard they have a pretty good counselling program. Obviously not quite good enough, though.
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, PEON?!
(SFX: THE PARTICULAR CRASH OF BREAKING THROUGH A WALL)
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
When crime appears upon the scene, so does Captain Laserbeam--And Phillip Fathom!
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN AND TYLER
(In unison) CAPTAIN LASERBEAM AND PHILIP FATHOM, DEEP SEA DETECTIVE!!
TYLER
So, uh, you two teaming up again, huh?
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(Pinching the bridge of his nose) I do not need this from you right now, Tyler.
TYLER
I ain't judging or nothin'. Whatever makes ya happy, I always say.
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
AH-HEM. It appears you gentlemen have discovered me, but I have naught to offer you but a front seat for this city’s demise. For in these many tanks around this ware-ing house is a psychotropic chemical which I shall release into the city’s water supply. You shan’t be able to help it! WE’LL ALL BE MAD DOWN HERE!
PHILLIP FATHOM
(In that one middle tone he has where he’s kind of growling really loud but not quite yelling) You monster! All that innocent aquatic life! And even the guilty aquatic life! It’ll be a genocide!
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
In my defence, I am literally a madman. Mr. Foxworthy, do be a dear and activate the death trap you so kindly prepared earlier!
TYLER
Sure thing, boss!
(SFX: A CLICK, FOLLOWED BY A SLOW, OSCILLATING BUZZ)
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
Behold, if you will! My glorious deathtrap: The Raving Radiator! IT SHALL MADDEN YOUR MINDS AS MUCH AS MINE! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!
(SFX: ZAPPING NOISE)
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
Thank you for beholding. So kind of you.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Nyyyyyargh! Brain... maddened by this maddening ray...
PHILLIP FATHOM
A fog... darker than the depths of...
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
...Can't fight it...
PHILLIP FATHOM
...But... I MUST!!
(SFX: The wistful music that accompanies the memories of heroic helpers kicks in. Memories of Adventurekateers and Investigateens overlap slightly as both CAPTAIN LASERBEAM and PHILIP FATHOM draw upon them for strength)
GHOSTLY DANA V.O.
A yellow belt in karate... karate... karate...
GHOSTLY INVESTIGATEEN #1 V.O.
(A chipper young gal) They're headed out to Apex City... Apex City... Apex City...
GHOSTLY PATRICK V.O.
Take it down a notch... a notch... a notch...
GHOSTLY INVESTIGATEEN #2 V.O.
(Sounding traumatized) So much fish food… fish food… fish food...
(SFX: THE MUSIC IS ABRUPTLY CUT SHORT BY AN EXPLOSION)
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
My Raving Radiator, destroyed by willpower-based feedback, and inordinately quickly! EVEN MORE IMPOSSIBLE THAN USUAL!
PHILLIP FATHOM
Nothing's impossible to Phillip Fathom--except giving up on justice.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
What he said!
PHILLIP FATHOM
Hmph.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
What?
TYLER
Wow, double willpower-based feedback. Never seen that before. And I had those madness settings up real high! (Realizes what's about to happen) Uh... Uh-oh...
(SFX: SOUNDS OF A FIGHT OVERLAYING THE NEXT FEW SECONDS)
PHILLIP FATHOM
Fisherang!
(SFX: CLANG!)
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Freeze Laser!
(SFX: CRACKLE OF ICE)
TYLER
Aw, man, Freeze Lasered again! I tell ya, if doin' the same thing and expecting different results means you're nuts, I might be crazier than you, Stark Raving Gentleman.
THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN
HOW DARE YOU!!
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
(Into communicator) Captain Laserbeam to the Apex City PD. I've got a couple of cuckoos ready for the loony bin! Actually, just one. You can send Tyler to regular jail. He knows what he's doing.
PHILLIP FATHOM
None of these tanks have released any of their despicable contents into the water supply, Laserbeam. Your city's safe... For now.
CAPTAIN LASERBEAM
Thanks, Phillip Fathom! And great work on the... (Trails off) And now I'm talking to myself again. That guy...
HEROIC HAL V.O.
And that's another vile villain vanquished by the terrific team-up of the light-amplified adventurer Captain Laserbeam and the semi-amphibious knight Phillip Fathom, Deep Sea Detective! Until next time, sayonara, solid citizens!