Chapter Text
From the amount of sporadic and flighty banter Peebee was making, her volume a touch too high for the close quarters of the shuttle, Ryder knew that she was trying to cover up how awkward Ryder’s sour mood was making everyone feel. Maybe she could have saved face if she had made a self deprecating joke, or done a better job at easing everyone’s tensions as they had walked away from the Forge. But now it was too late; she had been sitting in the corner, her death mask keeping her features slack and non-perturbed even as her palms collected sweat, for too long to make a come back. It was best to wallow in her silence until they got back to the Tempest.
Then, maybe, with enough time, the three of them would be able to forget the noise she had made when Akksul had pointed his gun and pulled the trigger. There had only been a moment for her to react after the crackle of energy shot from the barrel, and in that moment she thought Jaal was dead, her own gun harnessed uselessly against her back. Her knees had turned to jelly and she had swayed, yelping in something close to agony and disbelief.
She pulled at her hair, adjusting it around her ears which she knew were burning scarlet.
When the shuttle finally landed, Ryder made sure she was the first off. She jumped the final few feet to the ground, in too much of a hurry to wait for the shuttle to stop rocking on its landing legs.
“We’re back!” Peebee exclaimed dramatically, throwing her arms wide with her face to the sky. She looked over at the two angara pacing in the shadows and beamed brightly, motioning them over with two hands. “Is this your family, Jaal?” she guessed, turning to her crew mate.
Jaal, followed by his orange clad brother and sister, ignored Peebee. He scanned the landing pad looking for Ryder, knowing she couldn’t have made it far. When he finally saw her, striding towards the walkway with her shoulders high and fists clenched tightly, he called after her, “Ryder, do you have some time?”
Ryder quickly rearranged her death mask, which had wilted in the moments she had had alone, and turned to face Jaal. “I was just heading back to the Tempest,” she said with a wave of her hand. “Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah.” She cursed herself for sounding like an idiot and reminded herself that it would be best if she didn’t open her mouth. Silence was golden, silence was her friend. As an afterthought, she forced herself to smile, her lips pulled so tight her cheeks threatened to pop.
Jaal offered a real smile in return, unbothered by her ramblings or strange display of emotion, and made a small, almost purr like sound in the back of his throat. “Let’s give them a minute,” he said with a meek nod to his family. He motioned to the railings that overlooked the Havarl wilds, asking with his body if not with his words if she would follow.
Without much of a choice, besides bolting and bricking herself into a tomb of embarrassment (which would be her final resting place, at this rate), she nodded in assent, forcing her pace to be slow. She caught Peebee’s obvious stare and tried not to scowl when she winked over at them, mouthing something that looked like go get ‘im.
She waited for Jaal to speak first, preferring to hunch over the railings, staring intently at the wild growth of life. At least she didn’t have to pretend to be interested in the aggressive sprawl of lush flora that covered the surface of Havarl.
It was her favorite planet and she looked forward to any chance to return. She fantasied about disappearing into the forest and spending hours with only the sounds of nature to keep her company. Beside her, Jaal cleared his throat, and shifted, his shoulder knocking into hers.
“I wanted to thank you for trusting me,” he finally said.
Ryder shrugged, hoping she looked nonchalant. “You know the Roekaar best.” Good, she thought, she only sounded a tad bitter.
“You are… upset with me?”
“What? No, that’s - no, I’m - no.” Ryder laughed, one short bark, to prove her point. “You do you… er, whatever.” She gripped the rails hard enough to make her gloves creak.
Jaal looked unconvinced but said nothing, his small eyes narrowed as they appraised her neutral expression.
“Ah, not buying it.” She wilted under his scrutiny and bounced in place, thinking for a brief moment that it might be best to run for the Tempest. There were a thousand things she could yell after her that would explain her sudden departure. Colonist to save, people to feed, all that. “Was it the laugh? Too casual?”
“Will you tell me what is bothering you?” he asked, taking a step closer.
Ryder chewed on her lower lip and refused to make eye contact. Maybe, she reasoned, if she was silent forever and never spoke again, she couldn’t embarrass herself any further. Silence is golden! Even if the silence was unbearable and made her skin itch.
“Ryder…” Jaal prodded, holding her chin in his hand and directing her gaze to him.
“You were shot!” she finally exploded, jerking her head away. “You - ” she thought of a lot of words that would sum up her feelings succinctly - idiot, fool, jerk, asshole, idiot - before finally deciding on a lecture. “You were being reckless, you asked me to trust you in doing something dangerous! That was a stupid stunt. I… I was really worried. UGH!”
Ryder felt her death mask wilt and her cheeks flooded with heat. Embarrassed by the clunky progression of events leading up to her outburst, she pressed her hands to her face as if she could hide. “Let’s just forget about this,” she mumbled, her words slurred around her cheeks.
There was a moment of silence in which Ryder counted every single one of her heartbeats. She almost thought that he had turned away from her, heading back to the Tempest or even back to his family. Could she blame him after she had just called him stupid?
Finally, she felt Jaal pulling at her hands and let him draw them into his. He was trying to stop it, but she knew he was laughing, the slow rumble building up until it rolled from him, thick as velvet. That laugh always made her stomach drop and it had the same effect even now, her heart fluttering in in her chest for an altogether different reason.
“I’m sorry that I made you worry,” he said, leading her towards him with a gentle pull of her hands. “It will heal. All scars do.”
Ryder snorted but didn’t fight him, letting herself be guided into filling the gap between their bodies. “Actually scars don’t heal, that’s why it’s a scar and not, say, a cut.”
“Ah, I see.” He ran his hand up her arm, following the curve of her shoulder and neck, letting his fingers twist in her hair. “Are you upset that I won’t be as good looking?”
She could feel her embarrassment and frustration slowly fading, pulled from her at the junctions where he was pressed against her. “Everyone knows that humans love facial scars.”
“I won’t put you in that position again,” he murmured, his fingers gently closing around strands of hair. Ryder let her eyes flutter close, her head pulled back with a tug that sent a tremor through her body.
“Pathfinder,” SAM interrupted, “you have a new e-mail.”
“SAM,” she groaned.
Jaal blinked and paused, a hitch catching his response in his throat.
“Oh, Jaal!” Despite herself, Ryder laughed, the confusion mingling with distress displayed so clearly on Jaal’s face. “You should see your face right now! SAM just said something to me, I wasn’t - “
She paused, suddenly aware of where they were standing. “Wait, SAM, did you just…?”
“You have a new e-mail,” was all the voice said in her head, but she wondered if she heard a hint of something like humor in the response?
Whatever had come over them was fading and it was Jaal who pulled away, his hands dropping limply by his side. He cast a few quick glances around the landing pad, whether to make sure no one was watching them or to center himself, Ryder didn’t know.
“We should get back,” she said weakly, feeling both overwhelmed at what had almost just happened and regretfully that it had only almost just happened.
Jaal smiled, a slow, mischievous smile that made Ryder’s head swim. “I want to say a few words to my family,” he provided as an excuse as he walked away.
“I have an e-mail that I should check,” she called after him.