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Eliza turns over in bed restless from a dream she can’t quite place. She reaches out for her husband, needing his warmth and reassurance to calm her back to sleep when instead of his soft torso she encounters the cold empty bed sheets.
Opening her eyes she’s met with the darkness of the room, the moonlight doing nothing to illuminate it. The all too familiar feeling of anxiety tightens her stomach as she sits up and rubs her eyes. Alexander had been acting out of the ordinary over the last few days, or more so than normal, at least. He had put it down to his kidneys giving him trouble, but she sensed that there was more to it than that. One moment he would be distant, lost in his head to her, and the next he would be pulling her close to him, his hands holding onto her tightly, as if she was the last thing keeping him grounded to this world. He would be needy, seeking attention and comfort and then before she knew it, he’d be gone to her again, lost in his office cursing as he wrote another letter to whoever the unlucky recipient was this time.
Just a handful of hours ago, he had found her in the sitting room, putting away her sewing after fixing a hole in little Eliza’s dress. Their sweet daughter had been running after her brothers in the garden trying to keep up with them when she snagged it on a rose bush ensuing endless tears. Alexander had quickly scooped her up in his arms and promised her that Eliza would fix the dress for her because “Mama can fix anything”. Eliza had been getting ready for bed, already in her nighty when she remembered her promise to her daughter to have it fixed by tomorrow and had rushed downstairs to do it last minute.
He had smiled as he approached his wife, “See I was right”.
Eliza raised an eyebrow at him, “What exactly were you right about this time?”
“That my darling Betsey can fix anything,” he placed his hands on her forearms “You are so good to us all.”
Leaning his forehead to hers he held it there, letting out a breath of air and closing his eyes.
She waited a minute, before pulling back to look at him in the eyes, “Alexander, is everything alright?”
“It will be.” He told her adamantly as if he was trying to convince himself as well as her.
She frowned, “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Another time. Right now I just want you”.
He leaned in, taking her lips in his reverently, worshipping them with his own. Eliza reacted in kind, allowing him to pull her closer so their bodies were pressed up against one another, wrapping her hands around his back so she could pull him closer still. The kissed like this for minutes, their hunger for one another insatiable.
He let out a groan into her mouth and Eliza had to remind herself to breathe as her head got foggy. All she could feel was Alexander and the way his body was pressed up against every inch of hers. She could feel his arousal against her and her hips instinctively rut back against it, wanting to feel more.
“Eliza” Alexander gasped, his hips following hers, making sure she could feel how much he wanted her, how much he needed her.
“Let’s take this upstairs.” Eliza whispered throatily in his ear.
It didn’t take long for them to stumble their way to their bedroom, trying to be as quiet as possible, knowing that the older children had only just departed for bed and could still be awake.
The moment they stepped into their bedroom and closed the door behind them their lips were on one another again. Eliza’s hands made quick work of Alexander’s shirt buttons, revealing his torso, before pushing it off his shoulders.
Alexander, too impatient to wait for the rest to come off, quickly unbuttoned his trousers before pushing his wife onto their bed and pulling her nighty up so it lay above her hips.
She let out a melodious giggle at his impatience, the sound cutting Alexander’s next move short as he was transported back to a time when they were first courting. The first time he heard her laugh like that.
He blinks, thinking about how far they have come, and it hits him that this might be the last time he sees her in bed like this. The last time they lay side by side as husband and wife, the last time he gets to hear the laugh that is like music to his ears.
“My, love?” Eliza asked, noticing him frozen in place.
He looked down at her and she appeared so innocent, so unaware of what could transpire that a rush of guilt hits him. He knows how his wife feels about duels, remembers how distraught she was after Philip, and yet, there was the potential that he could meet the same fate as his son the very next day.
He flopped down onto the bed next to her, his hands moving to his stomach in an attempt to ease the guilt that had settled there.
“I’m sorry.” He told her.
“What is it?” she asked, concern etching her features.
He wanted to tell her. Wanted to explain that he was going to duel with Burr tomorrow, but he knew the anxiety it would cause her, he couldn’t put her through that, not after what happened with Philip. Plus he knew she’d be angry with him, she’d call him foolish and she’d be right. Even more, she’d try to change his mind and he knew how convincing she could be. He had to go through with this; he couldn’t let his mind be changed. And so he lied.
“My kidneys are bothering me”
“Oh” was all Eliza said.
She didn’t understand it. He had been there with her, one hundred percept, and as if a switch had be flicked, he was gone again. She had lost him to the endless thoughts in his head, his eyes glazed over, far away.
“I’m sorry.” He repeated, looking up at the ceiling. He couldn’t bear to look at her, to see the worry and disappointment he had caused.
“It’s okay” she had placated him, placing her hand on his stomach. “Try to get some sleep, hopefully you will feel better in the morning”
And then they had fallen into silence, both feigning sleep.
She must have drifted off eventually, because now here she was awake in her room alone. She wonders if Alexander even fell asleep or if he just waited for her to before he departed the bed.
She sighs, knowing it’s unlikely that she’ll get back to sleep and decides to try and find her husband, putting on her nightgown.
She finds him in the first place she looks: his office.
He’s hunched over his desk, a single candle lit, creating just enough light for him to be able to focus on the note he is writing. He doesn’t even notice that she’s in the doorway until she speaks up.
“Alexander, come back to sleep”
He looks up, a little startled, as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t be. Which really, is true.
“I have an early meeting out of town.” He tells her, not exactly a lie.
“It’s still dark outside.” She argues, moving towards him.
“I know. I just need to write something down.”
She sighs, exhausted, placing her hands on him shoulders before wrapping them around him from behind, “Why do you write like you’re running out of time?”
“Shush” Alexander murmurs in an attempt to sooth her.
“Come back to bed, that would be enough.” Her hands tighten around him a little and he places a hand on hers squeezing it in an attempt to reassure her.
“I’ll be back before you know I’m gone” he tries to pacify her.
“Come back to sleep.” She’s practically begging now.
He sighs, hating how desperate she sounds and hating himself even more for not being able to go to her.
“This meeting’s at dawn”
She exhales, defeated. She knows there’s no way of getting through to him when he’s like this.
“Well I’m going back to sleep” she tells him, starting to make her way out of the room.
“Hey.” Alexander pauses to grab her hand, looking at her intently “Best of wives and best of women.”
She smiles as he lifts her hand up to his mouth to kiss it. A peace offering of sorts, or an apology, she’s not sure. But she takes it, because right now it is better than nothing and turns on her heels leaving her husband in peace.
It’s an hour or two later when Alexander places the letter in his pocket. The letter he will give to Nathaniel Pendleton, his second, to be handed to his wife if the unfortunate were to happen. He feels queasy knowing those are the words she will read to learn of his death if the duel doesn’t end in his favour. He had spent so long writing and rewriting it, because really, how do you say goodbye to your wife, the mother of eight of your children and the love of your life in one short letter? Part of him wanted to write seven other letters to each of the children, but the angst was too much for him to bear.
He makes one last round of the children’s rooms to kiss them on the head before he leaves. Praying it wont be the last time he gets to do so. He is stopped, however, as he’s about to go into the older boys room by the sound of someone crying. It’s not coming from the boys room and he knows the younger children are sleeping peacefully because he had just seen to them.
His stomach drops when he listens more carefully and realises it sounds like his dear wife. He makes his way to their room in as few strides as possible and is greeted with the sight of Eliza curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed, tears streaming down her face.
“Betsey, my angel, what’s the matter?” he asks, rushing beside her in bed and pulling her into his embrace.
She leans into him, her face fitting into the crook of his neck, soaking it with her tears.
“My love?” He questions, alarmed. He’s never seen her like this, not since… He can’t finish the thought.
“I had an awful dream” she hiccups, taking a deep breath to try and calm herself.
“Tell me about it.” he runs his hand over her back in an attempt to sooth her.
She pulls back a little, looking into his eyes. She looks so distraught it caused his chest to ache.
“You...” she starts, swallowing down the lump in her throat “… you were gone.”
“Gone where?”
She swipes away tears before continuing, “To be with Philip” Her face crumbles and fresh tears slide down her face.
His stomach flips at her words. She had dreamed that he died? Was she so in tune with him that she subconsciously knew where he was going to go this morning?
“A duel” she confirms his thoughts “And you left me here alone with seven children to fend for and thousands of pounds in debt from this house.”
“Oh Eliza” he sighs, pulling her back in closer to his chest.
“But I didn’t care about the debt, about not having anywhere to live, all I cared about was you. I just wanted you back. Please, don’t go out and do anything stupid, please Alexander” She pleads with him, her arms tightening around him, never wanting to let him go.
“I…” Alexander starts bemused, “how did you know?”
“You’ve not been yourself lately and it’s been making me anxious. I have no idea what exactly it is you are going to do, because you don’t care to share it with me. But I’m not naïve Alexander, I know that something is going on”
He looks down, ashamed. Of course she would have sensed something, she was his wife after all, she was more in tune with him than he was himself at times.
He knows he has to tell her. Knows there’s no way he could just leave her in the lurch like this.
“Eliza, you are not going to like this but I know I must tell you. I just need to beg you to please not deter me from my plans. This is something I need to do, my legacy depends on it”
“Alexander?” she sounds scared.
He lets out a sharp breath, “I’m going to duel with Burr”
“What?” Eliza sits up, her browns furrowing with confusion and anger.
“Burr and I, we’re going to duel this morning” he tries to rephrase it, as if doing so makes it sound better.
“No!” Eliza shouts in despair.
“Eliza” he sighs.
“No way! Did you not learn anything from Philip?” she practically screeches, her eyes are watery again.
“Betsey, please” he places a hand on her shoulder trying to calm her but she shrugs it off.
“No, I wont let you go. What if you die Alexander? What if you die?” the tears that were previously threatening to fall do so now as she collapses down onto him, her fists thumping his chest.
His heart contracts painfully at the sight, his breath catching in his throat.
“I can’t go through that again. Not after Philip. Please Alexander, don’t do that to me again.”
Tears are falling from Alexander’s eyes now too and he knows there’s no way he would be able to leave her like this. Knows that his wife and his family are worth more than his pride.
“Okay” he whispers so quietly that she doesn’t hear him over her sobbing.
He pulls back and holds her face in his hands so she can see him.
“Okay” he repeats. “I will write a letter of apology to Burr and call for a truce.”
“Really?” Eliza asks, sounding unsure.
“Really.” he confirms.
“You promise?” she looks so terrified and unsure, causing Alexander to pull her into his embrace.
“I promise, my love. You’re right, it is not worth the risk of leaving you and our precious children.”
“Thank god” Eliza whispers, finally letting her body relax into his, yet not loosening the tight hold she has on him.
They stay there for a while until Alexander tells her his second will be arriving any minute and he needs to write a letter for the ceasefire. He tries to get her to stay in bed and rest, for he knows she needs it, but she can’t bear to leave his side. So she watches him as he writes the letter, stating an apology to Burr and offering a truce, as if she needs to see it with her own eyes to believe it.
Even as Nathaniel Pendleton arrives and Hamilton goes to let him in she stays by his side. Watching as he explains the change of plan and asks Nathaniel to pass the letter on for him, explaining that he is unable to deliver it himself. Nathaniel glances at Eliza, noticing the way her knuckles are white from holding onto Alexander’s hand so tightly and nods, understanding.
They both watch Nathaniel leave with the letter in his hand and Eliza places her head on her husband’s shoulder, finally feeling the exhaustion of the night’s events.
“Come on my love, come back to sleep” he tells her, walking her back up the stairs to their room.
They crawl into bed together, curled up against one another. Alexander doesn’t allow himself to think of what could have been.
He may have to publicly apologise to Burr, sully his pride and name, but he knows it is worth it.
It's a small price to pay to see his family happy, to get to watch his children mature into adults and to grow old with his beloved Betsey.