Chapter Text
-Skrit-Skritch-Ski-Skitch-
After years of working side-by-side in uncomfortably close proximity, the sound of Hermann's frantic chalkboard scrawling had become white noise to Newt. Originally it drove him up the wall (Hermann demanded the lab be as quiet as possible while he tested out new algorithms), but now the familiarity of it was almost comforting.
-Whump-
That was different.
-Click-Clack-
Huh.
Newt heard Hermann swear under his breath, and he finally glanced up from writing his lab report.
Hermann's eraser and chalk were lying on the floor and the man himself was clinging to his ladder as if for dear life. He was worryingly high up. One of his legs dangled precariously while the other, still supported on the rung, was forcefully bent under all his weight.
"Woah, hey there!" Newt called out in a panic, and rushed over to his lab partner. "Hang on, dude! I'm coming for you!"
One of Hermann's hands slipped slightly. Newt's stomach dropped.
"Shit!" Newt scrambled even faster. Newt reached the ladder and climbed up halfway, blocking Hermann from potentially falling. "What happened? Did you lose your balance?" he asked anxiously.
"My body just... seized up," Hermann answered through gritted teeth. "I can't move."
Hermann was gripping the sides of the ladder, white-knuckled. His leg was still dangling between Newt's. Newt used his free hand to help lift Hermann into a sturdier position.
"Woah, dude, are you gonna be OK?" Newt’s heart was pounding.
"It... happens." Hermann sighed, "I just have to wait until it passes."
"OK. Let me hang on to you 'til then."
"Th... thank you."
Hermann's entire body was shaking and he was taking very shallow breaths. Newt wrapped his arm around the other man's waist.
This was an unexpected turn of events. Newt was the one who often needed rescuing, from his reckless habit of using himself as a test subject to his aversion to proper lab safety procedures, which almost always resulted in a long lecture from Hermann. He never anticipated himself having to save his painfully cautious lab partner, and the situation he now found himself in was extremely unsettling.
Hermann let out an exhale of relief. His grip finally loosened and he relaxed into Newt's embrace, until his back rested against Newt's forehead.
"Better?" Newt asked.
"B-Better," he stammered, "Much."
"Alright, let's get you down--" Newt mumbled into Hermann's back.
"No, I'm not--" Hermann tried to wriggle from Newt's hold, "I'm not coming down yet, I have work to do."
"Dude you almost fell, OK?! Let's just make sure it doesn't happen again."
"Newton--"
"I'm not going to be cleaning your brains off the floor tonight, or any time soon," Newt snapped, clinging tighter, "Or... ever."
Hermann stopped fighting. He leaned his head back and sighed in surrender.
"Fine."
--
"I told you I don't like you being so high up on that, man," Newt grumbled, helping his partner down from his ladder.
"What are you, my mother now?" Hermann hissed.
"I just worry-"
"Please, just... do not patronize me. I'm an adult." Hermann's lip curled in annoyance.
"So am I, but you get on my case all the time about--"
"That's another thing entirely." Hermann turned to face Newt, "Your handicap is your sheer stupidity. Mine is--"
Newt's eyes widened. Hermann never used the h-word, especially when referring to himself. Impaired, yes. Disabled, sometimes. Handicapped, never. That word was forbidden. It was banned in his presence. Everyone in the Shatterdome knew that.
Hermann seemed to have realized this slip of the tongue too, stopping his sentence short.
He took a deep breath and with quiet finality said, "I have a grasp on what I can and cannot do."
"Right. You're right. You'd know better than I would," Newt backtracked, awkwardly.
Hermann still looked rattled. It scared Newt.
“What happened though?" Newt asked softly.
"It was simply a tremor. It's not a symptom that happens very often for me. It came out of nowhere, really," he replied, distantly as if he were reevaluating his entire condition.
Newt took Hermann's arm and walked him over to the sofa in the corner of the lab. Hermann stumbled a bit more than usual. It was concerning.
"How are you feeling now?" Newt asked, after Hermann had sat down.
"Everything's a little... foggy. And regrettably I can't feel much sensation in my limbs." Hermann patted his legs in annoyance.
Newt put his hands on his hips, "What can I do?"
"It's fine. Go back to work, doctor," Hermann said dismissively, "I've taken care of myself my whole life, I can do it--"
"That's not the point." Newt interjected, "The point is I want to help." Hermann looked up at him tentatively. "Just chill, dude." Newt shook his head, "Y'know, you deserve to have someone take care of you for once."
Hermann opened his mouth to retort but stopped himself once he saw the earnestness in Newton's eyes.
"If you insist." He turned his head away sharply.
Newt rolled Hermann's desk chair over to the sofa and then patted his own thigh.
"Here."
"'Here' what?" Hermann furrowed his brow.
"Put your leg up here."
Hermann was reluctant. "What for?"
"I'm going to give you a massage."
Hermann gawked at Newt as if he had proposed something scandalous. "No, that won't be--"
"My college roomie was studying massage therapy. I learned some stuff from him." Newt shrugged. "I'm pretty good, or so I'm told."
Hermann stared at his legs, then at the man seated in front of him. He gave a defeated huff and lifted his legs up, gently resting them on Newt.
"There we go," Newt said as he started to pull up Hermann's pant-leg.
"S-Stop," Hermann said quickly.
"What."
Hermann looked away, "Just... do it... through the fabric."
"Uh. OK. It's just a leg, Hermann." Newt raised an eyebrow, "What a prude," he added jokingly.
"It's... this is rather strange."
"A guy giving another guy a massage?"
"Well..."
"I lived in Japan for three years after Tokyo got attacked -- remember? I was still working there when we met up for the first time."
"How could I forget? You were practically boasting about it to anyone who would listen." Hermann made a face of revulsion as he recalled their disastrous first meeting.
Newt cracked his knuckles. "Over there this is no big deal -- and hey, I was not boasting, dude. Anyway, people there give each other massages all the time, it's a health thing. People even bathe together."
Hermann wrinkled his nose. "Did you?"
Newt laughed. "Yeah, dude, public baths are the shit -- I mean; they're really nice," Newt corrected his slang, knowing Hermann detested profanity. "Once you get over that whole Westerner culture shock it's not that weird."
He moved his fingers up and down Hermann's calf muscle. It was tense, almost vibrating.
"Dude.” Newt raised an eyebrow, “are you having a spasm or are you just really freaked out about this massage thing?"
"Perhaps a bit of both." Hermann still wouldn't make eye contact.
"Just pretend it's not me, OK?"
"Hrmph."
"Pretend I'm... whoever you're cool with touching you." He knew Hermann had personal space issues and was uncomfortable with strangers touching him. Newt wasn't a stranger though. Although he was amazed he had gotten this far without being kicked in the face. "Whoever that might be..." Newt continued, "Your family, your therapist, Vanessa-"
"I am not going to visualize you as my wife," Hermann scoffed.
Newt snickered. Hermann even laughed. Newt felt the muscles in Hermann's leg finally relax.
"Alright, we broke the ice. I'm Dr. Geiszler, nice to meet you."
Hermann just shook his head, trying to hold back another smile. He didn't want to give Newt the satisfaction of knowing he occasionally found his obnoxious lab partner's jokes funny.
Newt again attempted to pull up Hermann's pant-leg. He put his fingers under the fabric cautiously. Hermann didn't try to stop him this time, so Newt rolled the cloth up gently. This was the first time Newt had seen Hermann's bare leg before, or actually any bare skin beyond his neck and wrists. His calf was thinner than he'd imagined. It appeared somewhat atrophied.
He looked up at Hermann's face. Hermann has his head turned, looking away yet again. He seemed a bit embarrassed. Was that why he wanted Newt to massage through the pant-leg? He didn't want Newt to see the condition he was in physically?
Newt decided to say nothing. A great feat of restraint on his part, he thought, giving himself a mental pat on the back. He ran his thumbs down Hermann's shin, gently squeezing the small amount of muscle behind it.
"Is this the bad leg?" Newt thought aloud.
"Both of my legs are the 'bad leg,'" Hermann lamented. "It just depends on which one decides to give out to a greater extent."
"Oh..." Newt responded, forgetting about the massage and now just mindlessly running his fingers up and down the outline of Hermann's tibia.
"This is not..." Hermann gave Newt a look.
"Isn't what?" Newt glanced up.
"You know... you aren't... this isn't an 'erogenous' thing for you is it?"
"What? No!" Newt almost jumped off his seat, "Dude, you know me. You know I don't feel that, about anyone, let alone you."
"Well, I still don't really understand it." Hermann crossed his arms. "You never have... gone into much detail."
"I guess that’s true. I just don't think anyone will get it if they haven't... experienced it, y’know?"
"We don't talk much about it, do we." Hermann's voice got quieter. "We don't talk much about ourselves at all."
"Yeah...." Newt whispered, quickly switching to Hermann's other leg.
"Could you explain it?"
"What? You mean --"
"Your sexuality -- or lack thereof. Enlighten me, now that we have a moment."
"I mean, uh, yeah I can try..." Newt shrugged. He fell silent for a moment, trying to figure out how to put such a complex feeling into words. "All I know is... I just don't feel the normal 'urges'. I might get those 'butterflies' when I see a cute guy --"
"You fancy other men, then?" Hermann interrupted.
Newt crooked his neck in agitation. "I thought we'd been over this."
"Sorry." Hermann bit his lip, as if to prevent any more outbursts.
"I've had a crush before. Once, and only once," Newt mused softly. "On a guy," he emphasized for Hermann, "and it was nothing more than I wanted to be in his presence. Everyday all I could think about was getting the chance to talk with him. I just wanted to be near him. By his side." Newt shrugged, "Maybe if I was feeling like getting crazy we'd share a bed together -- nothing sexual, y'know," he clarified as Hermann raised an eyebrow. "Just... something intimate, but innocent. Of course, we never did, because, y'know, he didn't get it. He didn't... get me."
Hermann was silent.
Newt felt a blush creep over his face. He'd opened up too much, and now he had obviously made Hermann uncomfortable. It happened a lot. He had a bad habit of saying things without considering how odd he must sound to an outsider. His Kaiju jabber had earned him the "groupie" title, now he was doing it again with his ramblings about his sexual 'dysfunction'.
He knew it. People didn't get it. This was exactly why it was the one thing about himself that he never opened up or talked about. It was so abstract and confusing, even for him some days. He was never very good at articulating his thoughts into words, but to describe a nearly indefinable feeling? Impossible. People couldn't get it. How could they --
"I understand..." Hermann said suddenly.
Newt stopped his kneading, "Y-You do?"
"It's similar to when you're in love, as a child?" Hermann squinted hopefully, trying to make sense of it.
"Well... kind of..." Newt grimaced, "I'm not a child. I'm a grown man."
"My apologies... I did not mean to patronize you." Hermann had genuine empathy in his voice. He had just reprimanded Newt for doing the same, not twenty minutes earlier, and felt lousy about it.
They sat there in silence, Newt still working his way up Hermann's leg.
Their words were echoing in each other's head now. Neither of them really understood what it was to be the other. They both treated one another like children, out of concern rather than malice, though they'd never outwardly admit it. They cared a little too much at times, always thinking they knew what was best for the other, and that constant nagging often caused fights between them.
"Can I at least take your socks off?" Newt pleaded, finally breaking the silence.
"I... suppose so."
Newt removed Hermann's one-size-too-large loafers.
"Your socks and shoes are way too big for you," Newt said, now pulling off Hermann's oversized socks.
"It's for comfort's sake. My feet swell, because of --" He shrugged, "You know."
Newt nodded knowingly, now rubbing the underside of Hermann's foot, "You don't talk much about it."
"I don't, for good reason." Hermann shook his head, "I don't want it to define me. And honestly I wasn't certain that you'd care to know the details."
"If you checked my Google searches you'd see I care," Newt muttered.
"Excuse me?"
Newt looked up, slightly miffed. "You won't tell me anything. You hide it away, so I just research it myself. Trying to figure out how I can help. What I can do to make life easier for you."
"Newton, you don't---"
"Contrary to what you might think, I don't like seeing you in pain, dude," Newt said sincerely, looking into his lab partner's eyes.
Hermann gazed back, his cheeks a bit flushed. This was the warmest concern Newt had ever shown towards him, as well as tender honesty in his gaze.
"When your wife worries, is she patronizing you?" Newt asked.
"There you are comparing yourself to my wife again," Herman scoffed.
"I'm kind of your work wife though." Newt gave a teasing grin.
Hermann couldn't help but smile again. He had felt so alone these days and for the first time his lab partner was showing something other than disdain. He knew he was somewhat to blame for that. Newton wasn't so bad. He remembered how much he liked him during their pen pal days, before they wound up meeting in person. Offline Newton required more patience. The kind of patience Hermann never really possessed. He made a mental note that it was something he should work on.
"I bet you miss her a lot," Newt murmured, thumbs pressing into Hermann's sole.
"Yes... desperately, some days."
"Must be nice," Newt started, "I mean, to have someone waiting for you. Someone to go home to."
Hermann furrowed his brow, studying Newt's face which seemed genuinely sad. Hermann wondered for a second if he should change the subject, but Newt began speaking again.
"Some nights I really wish I had someone there. Lying there next to me. Running their fingers through my hair as I fell asleep. I want to know what that's like..." He started to blush. "Man that sounds really sappy."
"No it doesn't," Hermann interjected, "I know how it feels. It's nice. It's positively grand, Newton. I want you to have that."
"You mean that?" Newt looked up, his eyes glistening.
"Of course I mean it." Hermann shook his head and gave a small smile, "Contrary to what you may believe, I want you to be happy."
Newt grinned sheepishly. “Thanks, man.” He grabbed Hermann's other foot and started massaging it thankfully, with more gusto.
He forgot what it was to feel like someone was rooting for you. When he used to e-mail back and forth with Hermann in 'the good ol days' Hermann was always supportive of Newt. He sent him words of encouragement whenever he felt stuck or anxious. It was nice to know that the man he had befriended all those years ago was still in there, somewhere.
"Someday, yeah... that'd be nice," Newt said, mostly to himself. "It's just... hard to be optimistic sometimes. I have to find someone that I care about – deeply -- and then that person has to care deeply about me too, but not want anything from me that I'm not, y'know, willing to give?” Newt swallowed hard. “Sometimes I just wonder-- what are the odds?"
He felt that familiar pang of emptiness in the pit of his stomach. He had an irrational fear of dying alone without knowing the love of another. That kind of untraditional and unconditional love that was so hard to put into words.
"What if I could be that for you?" Hermann said distantly.
Newt felt his face get hot again. "What?"
"If I can give you that fulfillment, then I will do it gladly." He stared intensely at Newt. He wasn't kidding around.
Newt's hands froze. He had a deer in the headlights expression on his face.
"It's not cheating if all I'm doing is sharing a bed." Hermann reasoned. "I had to do that with my siblings."
"Yeah but... it's different." Newt shifted anxiously. "There's an emotional aspect..."
Newt wasn't looking for romance, but he also wasn't looking for a meaningless shallow relationship. He desperately needed that emotional connection.
"Are you suggesting I don't care deeply for you?" Hermann said softly.
Newt felt the once-dormant butterflies awaken in his chest. "You mean, like a brother--"
"No. It's... different, actually. I don't really have a word for it," Hermann said thoughtfully.
Newt was speechless. Was Hermann actually feeling the way Newt felt? That strange love Newt knew so well? The kind that wasn't platonic but wasn't really romantic either?
The kind of love he felt all those years ago when he had a crush on his pen pal?
"But in any case...” Hermann looked back up at Newt with kindness in his eyes, “Is that something I can do for you?"
"I-If it's cool with you. If it doesn't weird you out."
"No, of course not." Hermann shook his head hastily, "And to be quite honest, I need someone at night."
Newt made a face.
"Not like that, Newton." Hermann sighed, "What I mean to say is... some nights I awaken and need things, like a temperature adjustment or a glass of water, but I cannot move without pain. It would be an ideal situation if--"
"You had someone there?"
"Yes."
"I can be that for you, dude.” Newt leaned in closer, “Whatever you need."
Hermann smiled gratefully.
"Alright, doctor. We have a deal."