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It's a good thing Erwin knows Levi like the back of his hand, it saves him the entire awkward thing of trying to get the Commander's attention and he never was very good at talking.
Or at having patience and shit like that.
So Erwin gets the hint and nods, guides him towards the backside of the headquarters and just looks at him.
He's not a coward, even less when someone knows what he does to get food on his plate; but the back of his knees aren't as good as they should when he feels Erwin's eyes glare him. He's starting to regretting doing this, he knows this will hurt;but he won't back off from it, though.
"It's strange for you to be blunt and yet undecided" Erwin starts, trying to decipher his stance and Levi just deadpan stares at his eyes. He can't cover up the hint of interest in his own eyes at being Erwin's focus of attention and neither how his blood decides to turn into molten lava "Speak, Levi".
"You're a goddamn fucker, Erwin, you know that?" Levi starts, trying to sneer but ending up with a pitiful face.
Fucking brilliant, he can't properly use his damn face
"You're a cold bastard, you see me as a number, as a pawn or as a piece of meat to sacrifice and yet---" he spats with anger instead of tenderness, he can't feel happy; he knows there's nothing here to be happy even when he feels his heart on his throat.
He still wants Erwin to know even if this will kill him and he has no problem with that. He's fucked up in his mind.
"And yet?" Erwin prompts, his gaze thins and Levi knows the big oaf it's getting an idea of what he tries to spout. Curse his damn mind and his inability to turn it off when it's supposed to be a private moment.
Maybe Erwin doesn't consider this as a private moment.
"And yet I want to choke on your damn cock while holding hands with you in a fucking green field with flowers, Erwin; and both of them look tempting to me right now" he spats, looking straight to Erwin's eyes and he can see how they darken in the worst way. The snarl in Erwin's face is obvious and he can't stop looking "I love you and I hate you for that"
He's letting Erwin chop his heart in front of him and he's actually enjoying the fucking show, how sick is that?
"I was the one who saw you covered in mud, dirt and other fluids once I took you out from the Underground, I'm more like a father to you than a brother, let alone a lover" Erwin replies and Levi knows it, he knows it damn fucking well "Also I don't get the idea of what made you think I'll want lay with a man and seek pleasure of it, in fact I'm surprised I even gave you the illusion of it to desire it" Levi bit his lower lip while Erwin speaks and it doesn't help because he has Erwin under his skin, he touched himself when he was in the barracks while thinking how smooth that blonde hair must be at touch and how his hands would pull him while Erwin fuck his mouth; it doesn't help he's got older and his desire to fucking take his hand and caress his fingers got him off more than having his cock up on his ass reamed intensively.
He knew in that moment it was love and he was beyond fucked.
Erwin's eyes confirm what he was thinking.
"I'm not expecting you to return my love, kiss my hand and lull me to sleep; Princess" even if he would like Erwin to touch him as he dreams every night since he let the older man take him under his wings both literally and metaphorically once he got in the Legion; even if right now even with the disdain on his eyes he wouldn't mind a single bit to kiss his lips "I won't even creep on you, Erwin. I just wanted you to know".
Erwin sighs, sighs, and he knows he was expecting this; Levi believes he was pondering how many time it would take him to say it.
"I won't even try to understand how did you arrive to the conclusion I'm the one for you, Levi. I'm literally the worst that can happen to you, to be in a relationship with anyone, specially with you; would handicap my job as a Commander; hell, it already does a lot with our current relationship as superior and subordinate" The part where he remarks the you hurts Levi more than a fucking titan and he had just come out from the Infirmary thanks to that.
But he knew this and he still confessed.
"I know. So stop making such a disgusting face, Erwin. I told you what I felt, I won't act on it, you idiot; so stop, pretend nothing happened, you're good in that after all".
He needs to twist the knife to Erwin's side too. He's not an angel, he knows this is going to hurt, so let's make Erwin hurt too.
There's a low exhale on Erwin's part and he can count it as a small victory.
"Then this was useless for me to know" Erwin remarks, however he ruffles his hair and Levi wants to kill him, because he's still the same shit who worries over him and that hurts ten times more "Just stay alive, at my side as my right hand. You're my knight, my sword and friend. Nothing else matters". He walks a few steps leaving Levi behind and stops briefly "There's people more appropriate than me, get a wife and for once settle down as the man I thought I helped to get up from the Underground" he turns lightly towards Levi and continues "Now get a grip and lets go, Captain; the cadets wait for us".
Levi stays there as Erwin's silhouette disappears.
It doesn't help he knew how Erwin would react to his confession, it doesn't help he almost predicted every word that man said to him and it doesn't help his heart it's beating insanely hard, still loving him and he hates himself for that.
That night he sleeps after he knocked himself with booze.
At the next day he's like nothing happened between them.
A glass is filled as a sad laughter thrills in the office. Erwin is basking himself in rum and wine, trying to make this situation funnier, passable or at least merciful to him.
It doesn't.
"It's for the best" it's what Erwin tells to himself as he palms himself at the thought of Levi's face while he rejected him today.
Dread spreads in him at the memory of Levi, as vocal as ever, telling him what he felt for him and how the monster he kept on a leash feasted on the information. It's not normal for a man to lay with the same, he knows that. It's doesn't make him desire him less.
But he can't let Levi know this, he needs to grow like the man he couldn't be, like the man who was shunned from the main house because he couldn't marry a woman; better than the one who saved the thug and dreamed with his mouth surrounding his cock and his ass opening to him to fill it to the brim. Levi needs someone better, Levi is someone better than him.
He will pull Levi towards the gates of hell for humankind but he won't tarnish what good he has left.
As he comes in the lone night he swears he will never let Levi knows he shares the same sickness in him.
He will let him fly free; even if it ends up killing him.