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It begins with a knock on the door. Or maybe it doesn't. Maybe it begins with who he finds on the other side of it.
How could it not, when there, standing in the hallway outside his apartment, is the love of his life’s fiance.
Lucas almost curses the universe for its sick sense of humor.
Josh Matthews hands are stuffed inside the pockets of his slacks, as he shift awkwardly on his feet. His brows furrowed in a way that revealed just how uncomfortable he was in Lucas’s presence.
For what feels like an eternity they just stand there, glaring at each other, quietly sizing the other one up.
They were the exact opposite of each other.
Where Josh was of medium height, leanly muscled, with dark hair and blue eyes. Lucas was particularly tall, broad shouldered, with sandy blonde hair, and green eyes.
Not to mention the vast contrast of their personalities. Josh was an up and coming reporter for the Fox news channel. Charming the people he interviewed with nothing but his good looks and grinning eyes.
While Lucas was a somber veterinarian, who often came home smelling like some animals urine. This is not to say he hated his job. He loved it. There was nothing in the world compared to the grateful smiles he got when he saved a child's puppy, or bunny, or other.
However there was a downside to his job. And it was never quite as apparent, as when he had to deliver bad news. When he had to tell a family there pet wasn't going to make it.
Josh Matthews brightened his viewers mornings. While Lucas ruined them by breaking their hearts.
It wasn't much of a contest. Lucas would've always come in second best to someone who was a Matthews.
Distantly Lucas wondered what cruel things had done to deserve an unannounced visit from unwanted company.
He wanted to see Josh at his door, like he wanted another go at Tombstone the Bull.
In fact, Lucas was certain he'd rather take his chances with the Bull, then look at -and actually hold a conversation with-the man that was going to marry Maya.
Maya the one that got away. The one that made Lucas laugh, and smile without giving any actual effort. Maya, the small slip of a girl who stole his heart right from under his nose.
Maya, who did not -want- nor love him. At least not the way he wanted her, loved her
Lucas couldn't stomach the thought of looking at Josh any more than he had to. He didn't need a reminder about her impending nuptials, because thinking about that made something inside him grow cold.
Josh Matthews tone was serious when he spoke, “We need to talk.”
Lucas crossed his arms, holding Josh's gaze steadily, never one to be easily intimidated, “No, we don't.”
Really, though there was no love lost between them. They were rarely ever found in the same room together. The funny thing was, nothing had ever happened between them to cause such discomfort, and dislike on both their sides. No shit talking. Or blatant displays of disrespect.
And most definitely no angry confrontations.
It was just something that had always been there. Even before Maya had stolen both of their hearts.
Lucas had just never been crazy about the way Josh so easily disregarded Maya's heart, because he was too chicken shit to properly address a thirteen year old girl’s “silly crush”.
He still recalled the hurt look on Maya's face, while they were all out on a double date. They had been riding the subway, he had been talking with Riley, when he spotted Josh on the train chatting up some pretty college girl.
One that was clearly older than him.
His stomach had rolled with something like nausea, knowing without a doubt that it would affect Maya. How deeply it would hurt her.
He had nudged Riley, knowing how protective the girls were of each other. He remembered some dark part of him wanting Riley to tear her uncle a new one.
But, Riley was too innocent, too sweet for something like that. So, he sent her off. Maya had needed her more in that moment, than he had.
Lucas also could not forget wanting to shield her from the heart break. But knowing there wasn't much he could do, except send Maya's best friend back to her.
Josh looked away first, his gaze drifting toward the floor, anxiously loosening the striped tie around his neck, “She doesn't wear her ring.”
Despite being raised right, kind, and polite. He was only human. And his heart skipped at the news. However he didn't show it, because honestly, Josh looked like someone had bulldozed all over his heart.
Lucas sighing, opened his door wider, and stepped aside, allowing him to walk inside. He sat on the arm of his couch, as Josh paced the length of his living room.
“Okay. But what does this have to do with me?”
Josh gave a bitter laugh, his eyes pained, “It has everything to do with you. It always has.”
Lucas eyes widened, letting out a bitter laugh of his own , “You think I'm the reason Maya's not wearing your ring?”
God, if only that were the case.
Josh's jaw clenched, “If not you, who then?”
Something dark curled in his chest. A sinister anger rising from somewhere deep inside him. He didn't like what the other man was implying.
Most of all, he wanted to pummel Josh for assuming the worst of Maya. For thinking that she would ever do that to anybody.
“You think there's someone else?” Lucas took an unconscious couple of steps toward him. Just barely managing to stop himself from grabbing Josh’s shoulders and shaking him so hard that his small brain would ricochet of the walls of his skull, “Do you truly believe Maya's capable of something like that?”
Josh looked down, ashamed, but not apologetic. "I don't know.”
And just like that, Lucas lost it. He grabbed Josh by the collar of his nicely pressed suit jacket, and shoved him back out into the hallway. Enjoying the sound of the door slamming into his confused face.
Lucas was so angry his hands trembled, and a dull ache had formed behind his eyes. He massaged his temple, puzzling over what exactly Maya saw in Josh, “She deserves better. Far better than the both of us. She always has.”
***
When Lucas goes to Maya’s apartment, it is midnight. Unlocking the door easily with the spare key she had given him a long time ago.
It had been a few weeks after Lucas’ mother had died, and he had been at his worst. The group had tried to get him to talk about it.
He didn't-couldn't- talk about … that .
How could he when there was a constant ache in his throat? When he was heartbroken, and angry. And so god damn tired.
No, he couldn't. Not when this need to hurt someone like he was hurting, to break the world like it had broken him, was so alive inside his veins. A growling monster inside his hollowed out chest.
He lashed out. At everyone. His friends, his family, his co-workers and their oh so fucking sympathetic glances that fixed nothing. Meant nothing.
He had even snapped at Maya, who had, apparently, not gotten the same message as the rest of the group, to leave him be. To steer clear of him.
Lucas didn't want them to see him so broken, so imperfect. Most importantly he didn't want them -her- to see the beer bottles that littered his kitchen floor. To see the liquor bottles that covered every other available surface in his room
Still, Maya had come. Stopping by his apartment every day for six months. Checking in on him, cleaning up his kitchen, bringing takeout food, sitting with him in silence for hours, while they looked at the black screen of his TV.
And occasionally, when he hadn't had the energy to crawl out of bed, Maya told him to get his stinky ass in the shower. And when that didn't work, pouring a bucket of ice cold water on his stiff form.
The first time she had done it, he had jumped up cursing everything, and everyone. Levelling his best Texas Lucas glare at her, and was unsurprised, when she had raised an unaffected brow, clearly immune to whatever he was dishing out.
“I get that you're angry, and bitter, and in pain. I understand that you're hurt, that you want to bestow these…” she paused, searching for the words, as a small sad smirk flitted across her lips, “ gifts upon the world. I get it. Remember, I'm the Maya Hart, and that once I wanted the world to tremble at my feet too.”
She had lifted his face, cupping his cheek when he failed to look up, resisting her, too stubborn to acknowledge her until she murmured a soft, but commanding, “Lucas!”
Something in her voice, tender and pleading, had reached out to him, had left him with no choice but to comply.
He met her steely blue eyes. His heart stopping at their strong, and quietly resilient vibrancy.
“Take your time. Feel your pain. Feel it until it hurts so bad you know nothing will ever compare. Feel it until it breaks your heart so bad, you're a sobbing inconsolable mess.”
She ran a thumb along his cheek. Catching a tear he hadn't even realized he'd shed.
“But, don't you dare try to hide it behind an angry facade. Behind some false sense of relief you think you'll find at the bottom of some bottle. Own that shit, Lucas. And then…” Maya paused, biting her lip as she slid something in his shirt pocket, “when you're ready, come talk to us about it.”
And with that she had left his apartment. Leaving him stunned, and with much to think about. It was only later, that he had remembered to look inside his pocket, and found the key.
Now Lucas searches Maya's apartment. Ignoring the slight pang of disappointment that settles heavy in his chest when he does not find her.
It doesn't last, as he recalls her favorite place to think, when life seems to have flipped her upside down. Grinning, he grabbed her sweater from off the couch and walked toward her bedroom.
She was so small he almost missed her. But there she was tucked safely away into the corner of her fire escape, thin arms hugging her knees to her chest. As she looked down on the bustling streets of New York.
Maya's cheeks, and the tip of her nose are flushed a warm pink. Undoubtedly from the frigid cold outside. But, she didn't seem to notice it. Her gaze too distant. Too far away.
Lucas crawls out her window, managing to bang the back of his head against the frame on his way out. He winces at the aching heat that slices behind his eyes. “Shit!”
Maya’s tinkling laughter washes over him, and through him. He can't help but smile at the sound.
Maya is smirking, and god does his heart jump at just the sight, “Inconspicuous, Ranger Rick. Very inconspicuous.”
He settled beside her, huffing as he dropped her sweater in her lap “Well, you trying being sneaky when you're a giant.”
Maya doesn’t miss a beat as she slips the sweater on, “I thought we already established, that I'm never going to be a giant.” Maya pinches his shoulder, “Remember, I'm your friendly neighborhood shortstack of pancakes.”
“Friendly?”
“Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.” Maya bites her bottom lip, teeth dragging a slow trail.
He does a pretty good job of ignoring it.
“My head's just not in this round, I guess.”
Lucas looks away from her, tries his best to be subtle, “Maybe it's not just your head, but... your heart as well.”
She narrows her eyes at his hesitant pause. Brows furrowing, suspiciously. And her lips pursing. “Cut the bullshit, Lucas. You were never good at hiding things. Especially, from me.”
Lucas rubs his neck, sheepish. Valiantly, he still tries, “I don't … What bullshit?”
She glares, and he coughs. “Josh may have or may not have stopped by my apartment today."
Maya flinches, her eyes churning ruthlessly, the frustration draining away from her face, leaving a fragile look in it place.
Her voice was considerably quiet, “what did he say?”
Lucas opens his mouth. And then promptly closes it. Reading the faint terror in her gaze and knowing she feared what his answer would be. Whatever it was that scared her so bad, she didn't want him to know. And he would respect that, despite his many questions, he wouldn't push her.
“Nothing much. Just that you won't put on his ring.” She looked at him a long moment, not seeming to completely believe him. He met her gaze, holding it unflinchingly. Until, finally she nodded, and looked away, collecting herself into a forced calm. He did his best not to show his relief, as he let go of the breath that had stalled somewhere in his lungs.
“What's wrong, Maya?”
A loaded question. One that lacked specifics. One that she would either inevitability try to dismiss or twist into a question she could answer.
Maya ran a shaky hand through her windswept blonde wisps, lying through her teeth, “It's nothing, Lucas.”
He frowned, she had never been good at lying to him either. To herself, definitely. But as they grew older, he learned how to recognize her tells. From the way she couldn't quite meet your eyes. Or when she stiffened just slightly.
“Really, but thanks for the concern.” She sent him a small smile. “You're a good man.”
Something tickled against the edges of his memory. Something light, and hesitant.
“Of course I like you. You're a good guy. If something had happened to you, I don't know what I would've done.”
He looks down at his hands, ignoring the lack of visible stars in the sky. The lack of light that usually sharpened her features, and cut into him.
“The funny thing is Maya, you're the only one to ever say so.” He chuckled at the bitter irony. People had always made fun of him, calling him names like, Mr. Perfect , and Golden Boy . But no one had ever actually told him that they thought he was a genuinely good person. Not until her. Not until a warm campfire, with his hands cradling her face, and an almost kiss.
Maya shook her head with disbelief, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Riley, never sai-”
“Nope. Not once.”
“Oh..” Maya looked down, a healthy flush coloring her cheeks. Lucas convinced himself it had everything to do with the cold, and nothing to do with him. He didn't need -didn't want- to hope for something that was bound to always slip through his fingers.
Maya shifted closer, causing their shoulders to brush. And a delicious shiver to run down his spine. A newer, fresher ache sprang up in his heart. Once she was married, they wouldn't even have this . This fragile friendship. This fragile intimacy.
Maya eyed him, waiting patiently, until he grew the courage to look back. Watching silently, as the woman he loved seemed to struggle with her next words, “I mean it, Huckleberry. You're going to make some stupid girl very happy one day.”
Lucas couldn't help it. He barked out a laugh so rough his body shook, and he almost plummeted from the fire escape and to his death.
Ignoring the fact that he didn't want anyone else. That he didn't want to make anyone else happy, but her. Ignoring the fact that she didn't want him. That Maya was going to marry, Josh Matthews.
However, Lucas tried not to focus on that, and instead chose to appreciate Maya’s uncanny ability to make even her compliments sound like insults. No matter how intentional or unintentional.
As expected, Maya winced, “I didn't mean it like that.”
Lucas pouted, “Uh huh. Of course.”
“C’mon, You know I didn't mean it.” Maya seemed genuinely upset, at the possibility that her words might've hurt him. “I'm sorry.”
“My Word!” He said taking on a southern belle accent, “In all my years, I neva’ thought I'd hear Maya Hunter, apologize.”
She grinned, her pretty blue eyes smoldering, making his heart race unfairly, “You're yanking my chain, aren't you?”
“Heavens! I thought you'd neva’ catch on.”
She rolled her eyes, tongue in cheek, “Asshole.”
He laughed, nudging her with his shoulder, coaxing an involuntary smile along her lips. “And all this time I thought your code word for asshole was something along the lines of Boing .”
Maya laughed, continuing their banter all too smugly. “You caught me, Bucky McBoing Boing ”
Lucas coughed . Shit she had him there!
“Surrender?”
“To a tiny darlin' like you? Never!” The southern drawl was just for her. And she knew it.
Maya smirked, leaning closer, “Then I guess, I'll just have to make you.”
Lucas grinned, unconsciously mirroring her movements. Leaning further into her, cutting the distance between them until there was only a hair's breadth between them. He got lost in the moment, forgetting who they were. Forgetting that Maya wasn’t just a girl, and he wasn't just a boy.
“I suppose you will.”
Before he knew it, her hand was fisted in his shirt, dragging him so closes their noses bumped. “You think you can take me?”
Lucas swallowed, his eyes drawn to her lips, to that soft smirk curling with mischief. It tore at his sanity. At his restraint. But, what was worse was that for a second, Lucas could've sworn he had seen Maya's eyes dart down toward his mouth, and back up to his eyes.
He fisted his hands to keep from doing something stupid, continuing their repartee, as if it didn't physically hurt him to be so close to her, and not touch her . “Yeah. But I'll probably pay for it pretty good.”
Maya blinked owlishly, her teasing grip around his shirt slackening. Her body stiffening, as she bit her lip, and studied his face with a look so intense, he felt his cheeks warm.
Lucas’ words seeming to cause her to clam up, and put some distance between them. He ignored the way his chest twinged painfully at the sudden loss of rare contact.
Maya stood up, leaning against the railing, shaking her head in frustration as she eyed the skyscrapers in the distance.
“It's not fair.”
Lucas couldn't help but try. He knew it was a little late to be saying something now, to be fighting for her now, but for a long time Maya and him, had barely been able to speak.
Things between them had only started getting back on track, around the time Maya began dating Josh. Lucas was going to lose her. He was already watching her slip away, slowly but surely.
Lucas couldn't handle it. They had just gotten the other back, and now...No, he refused to let her go again. Not without a fight. Not this time. He had been foolish once, a teenager who had been frightened at the intensity of his own feelings for a spitfire of a girl who could very well tear him apart.
Now older and smarter, he knew better. He knew there was no changing his feelings for Maya. He'd tried that, with Riley, Sofie, or any other girl he happened to date. Moving on wasn't in the cards for Lucas's heart.
And it never would be.
Lucas lifted himself to his feet, and went to stand beside her, “ Maya, since when has life ever been fair?” He cupped her elbow, turning her to face him, so she could look into his eyes.
And see that he was serious. “To either of us? Because if it was then why-” Lucas paused, recognizing the glassy look in Maya's eyes, recognizing the fresh wave of pain that ripped through him at the sight . Still he forged on, he had to.
“Why didn't we stand a chance back then?” Lucas knew his answer, his part of the story. But he had never had the courage to ask Maya about hers. Until now.
Maya gazed into his face, her expression tired, and vulnerable. “You couldn't choose, Lucas. You were too scared you would hurt one of us. So, I made a decision. The right decision. The only one at the time.”
“And now?”
She shrugged, “What about now?”
He was pushing his luck. Pushing her too hard. For answers she didn't have. For answers she might never have. “Is it still the right decision now?”
Maya's hands trembled from where they held the railing. She wasn't ready, “Probably not. Probably never was. Probably never will be.”
Lucas frowned, “What does that mean? Where do we stand?”
“ It means…” Maya ran a frustrated had through her hair, “Dammit! Stop! You make me feel like… You just make me feel! And I hate it!”
He began to pull away from her, but she stopped him with a soft hand to his neck, thumb gently stroking his pulse. “You've always made me feel too much.”
Maya's eyes were filled with pain. Sadness. Sorrow. The unshed tears in her eyes spilling over, and rolling down her cheeks.
Lucas almost almost took it all back. If only to spare her from the hurt he was causing her. But he didn't. Instead he lifted his hand, and thumbed them away.
“Maya?” He called to her, watching as she slowly scooted away from him, distancing herself.
She stepped back, and he did not reach out to stop her.
It was such a perfect fucking metaphor for their relationship, Lucas almost fell to his knees, breathless from the pain that seized his chest.
All he did, all he ever seemed to be able to do was watch her as she retreated behind some wall he'd never been able to fully break down. Probably because she kept on rebuilding them, with each brick he took down.
When she cocooned herself within that familiar shell of carelessness, no one could reach her. Not him. Not Josh. Not even Riley.
“I wanted to.. I don't..” It's a whisper in his heart. An endless mantra at the tip of his tongue. In the way his hands ache to hold her; I love you. I love you. I have always loved you .
“I just want you to be happy.” Lucas' heart twists, like someone is clenching it too tight between their small hands. It had been that way for months, maybe even years. It didn't even pause him. “What do you want to do?”
She doesn't answer.
“It always seems to end that way with us. Doesn't it?” Maya laughs mirthlessly, wiping angrily at her eyes. “We hide these desires. These feeling that we pretend aren't there. And it only hurts us. We constantly protect others, always destroying our own hearts in the process, because it's the only way we know how to love.”
She slumped to the floor, her sad sad eyes swirling, “How terrible is that?”
Lucas breath left him, as he shakily pulled out a cigarette, and lit it. He pushed it into his mouth, taking a long drag, before coughing at the acrid taste that assaulted his senses.
Lucas had never been much of a smoker. He could never seem to inhale without choking on the scent. But Maya was another story.
“That's just for me, isn't it?”
Lucas held it out to her in answer, eyeing the way she expertly tucked it between her red lips, and took a long, smooth drag. Holding the poison inside her far longer than he could, than he dared. “I wish you'd stop smoking.”
She smirked, a wistful look in her rough gaze, “Wishes don't always come true.”
Lucas sucked in a painful breath, as a cold wind stirred her hair, and he absolutely ached to tuck it away. But he reminded himself that that wasn't his place. “Believe me, I know."