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My love, leave yourself behind
Anxiety remembers the beginning of their relationship.
He and Roman were nothing but fireworks. Every touch, every shared look, every spoken word. Everything left sparks in the pit of his stomach and a tingle in his fingertips, making him crave more, always more. There was just something about the man that made Anxiety desperate for more adventures, more life.
More time.
Beat inside me, leave you blind
Anxiety never thought that he would enjoy life.
He always pictured himself as someone who worked to survive, lived to survived, did everything to simply survive, but not legitimately live. He didn’t truly start living his life until he met Roman, a whirlwind of excitement and passion that swept Anxiety, quite literally on several occasions, off of his feet.
Morality and Logan had introduced them. They were pursuing a relationship of their own, so, of course, they had to introduce their best friends to each other in turn. Logan and Roman had grown up together, and Morality and Anxiety had. Morality wanted nothing more than for his best friend to meet his boyfriend, and he had insisted Logan do the same.
So he did.
My love, you have found peace
Anxiety knew from the moment his eyes first landed on Roman that his heart didn’t stand a chance.
He was tall. Taller than Anxiety, that’s for sure. At least 6′, broad shoulders, jawline that could slice through diamonds. Dark brown hair to match dark brown eyes that glittered with mirth. Roman was the definition of perfection, like a Disney prince stepped off of a storybook page. His body was a bonus, but what really got to Anxiety was the brightness of his smile. He smiled at Anxiety like he was the light of his world, his sun, his moon, his stars, his entire universe. It was something Anxiety never knew he needed from someone until they met, something he thrived on.
You were searching for relief
Anxiety remembers lying beneath the stars with Roman.
It was their first date, one full of ice cream, laughter, and shy hand holding. Roman told Anxiety of how he reminded him of the stars in the sky. He said Anxiety’s eyes were a green that held gold within them that sparkled and twinkled like stars, and though he never held much of an interest in stars before, he picked up a book and learned constellations. He pointed them out to Anxiety, and Anxiety had never felt more alive than he did listening to Roman speak to him, their fingers intertwined.
You gave it all, gave into the call
Anxiety was filled with a brightness that he never knew before when he was with Roman. With Roman, he felt unstoppable. All of his inhibitions, all of his inner demons. They were silenced by his prince in shining armor, protecting him from the cruelties of himself and of the outside world. He guided Anxiety into the light, to a new world of contentment and excitement. It all made Anxiety actively want to seek out new experiences, because all he wanted to do was to do these things by Roman’s side.
You took a chance and you took a fall for us
It started with headaches.
Roman would take to napping on Anxiety’s couch, head on said boy’s lap, instead of going out. It concerned Anxiety to a degree, but Roman always insisted it was nothing to worry about. Just a simple headache, and a nap should be able to clear it right away.
That is, until it ended up being a repeated occurrence.
You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully
Next came the forgetfulness.
If there is one thing Roman was, it was a hopeless romantic. He insisted on taking Anxiety to the most grandiose restaurant at least once a month (he wanted to more often, but Anxiety resisted Roman spending that much money on him), which was typically on the month anniversaries of their relationship. He constantly spoiled his lover with gifts such as flowers or stuffed animals, even the manner in which he spoke to Anxiety reflected his hopeless romanticism.
He forgot their one year anniversary.
That was what really tipped Anxiety off to the matter that there must be something wrong with his boyfriend. Roman would never, ever forget their one year anniversary under normal circumstances, and the fact that he would forget it did not madden Anxiety, it worried him.
Initially, Anxiety’s inner demons whispered that it was all because Roman had someone new. Roman must have been having headaches from being stressed over juggling two relationships, so he forgot their anniversary. That must be it. Roman was the perfect man to the eyes of many, several people would jump at the chance to pursue a relationship with him, even if he was meant to be monogamous with someone else. Anxiety supposed he wasn’t the type to live out a happily ever after.
You taught me honor, you did it for me
Their first real fight tore Anxiety apart.
He accused Roman of seeing someone else, and he had never seen such rage within his boyfriend. Roman lashed out, throwing his mug of tea onto the ground and scolding Anxiety for ever thinking of such an outlandish accusation. It was a night of raised voices, tears, and slammed doors only to be met with impatient knocking. It took several hours for both parties to calm down enough to talk things through, and once they did, Anxiety saw Roman cry for the first time.
He wept. He begged Anxiety for his forgiveness, because he didn’t even know what was going on in his life anymore. He was forgetting meals, dates, things to buy at the grocery store. It was eating him up that he forgot the most important day for him and Anxiety, and Anxiety instantly felt an intense guilt for ever pushing his prince to the mess he was in that instance.
They ended up spending their anniversary night in Roman’s bed, curled up under the covers together, boxes of tissues at the ready as they released their emotions through binge watching sad videos on YouTube.
Today you will sleep away, you will wait for me, my love
Next came the vision loss. Anxiety had been at home, curled up on his sofa in a blanket burrito and rereading the first Harry Potter novel when he had received a panicked phone call from Roman, who was alarmed because he could barely see out of his left eye.
Anxiety’s book was immediately forgotten as he had gone to Roman’s apartment, relieved that his boyfriend had been smart enough to wait for Anxiety to come instead of rushing to Anxiety’s apartment. Roman was crying, again, hand covering his left eye and uncovering, asking no one in particular why there was hardly a difference.
Now I am strong, you gave me all
Anxiety had decided that enough was enough. He helped Roman into his car and drove him to the hospital, signed him in to be seen, and sat on Roman’s lap, because Roman had wanted to hold him close and make sure that this was real, that this was happening. Anxiety could feel the eyes of others in the waiting room, staring at a crying boy hugging another like his life depended on it, but for once, Anxiety didn’t care that they were being judged.
He flipped them all off and embraced his boyfriend.
You gave all you had,
Roman had been called back to be seen, and from the get-go, Anxiety could tell that something was wrong. The doctor would not tell them anything, nothing at all when Roman described his symptoms with Anxiety weighing in to agree and go into deeper detail. All the doctor did was order a CT scan and that was that.
It terrified Anxiety that the doctor wanted to look inside of Roman. Roman’s head, to be exact. That was all the doctor divulged before exiting, sparing Anxiety a sympathetic glance. Anxiety didn’t want a sympathetic glance. He wanted to be told that all Roman had was a common cold and all he needed was antibiotics and he would be fine in a few days.
The waiting was agonizing. Waiting for the nurse to take Roman to his CT scan, waiting for her to bring him back once they had gone, waiting for the results. It was awful, but Anxiety had to be strong. He was there for Roman, they were sharing a small hospital bed and Roman was clinging onto Anxiety as his rock, as the one who would make him feel better. He had to be strong and supportive as Roman murmured his fears, his worries. It felt strange, the roles being switched. But Anxiety had learned from the best how to be supportive.
And now I am whole
The waiting was painful, but nothing hurt more than the doctor’s news.
Roman had two masses in his brain.
My love, leave yourself behind, beat inside me, leave you blind
The news had hurt, the news was downright torment, but all it did was make Anxiety feel numb. Roman had been clinging onto him, asking about how he was supposed to tell his friends, how was he to tell Logan, Morality, how was he to tell his family, how was he to tell his mother. How was he to tell his mother that her son, her only child, was dying.
Anxiety had listened to it all. He had been silent, taking in Roman’s words, cherishing the moments they had together. Roman’s fingers had been gripping his hips probably hard enough to bruise, but Anxiety didn’t care. Roman was there with him, it was Roman who was holding him, the man he has always wanted nothing more than to live with forever.
My love, look what you can do, I am mending, I’ll be with you
Out of everything Roman had said while rambling about his fears, one phrase stuck out to Anxiety.
“I wanted to marry you.”
That was what broke him. Anxiety felt heat behind his eyes and behind his nose, his throat was closing up. His palms were itchy, his neck was itchy, his lungs were burning with the need for air, but all he could do was tremble in his love’s arms, sobs wracking his body. He had listened as Roman’s tone of voice changed, how his words had shifted to speak positives, of how much he adores Anxiety, how much he loves him, what he loves about him, how much he means to him. Roman was the one that was potentially dying and here he was, comforting Anxiety again.
Anxiety was so in love that it hurt.
You took my hand, added a plan
Anxiety hadn’t expected the news to come back so negatively, but, more than anything, he hadn’t expected the hospital to give the way they did.
Roman had been admitted into the hospital. In order to determine the specifics of his conditions and to pinpoint the necessary treatments, the doctor had him admitted, and unfortunately, Anxiety had to go home sometime. He had to gather things for Roman - clean underwear, phone charger, etc. He also had to gather things for himself, as there was no way he was going to leave Roman’s side during this. He received a text to grab Roman’s coat that was hanging up by the front door, the brown one, and he was specifically instructed to not check the pockets. It had been a strange request, but one Anxiety followed through with anyhow.
Upon his return, he hadn’t expected Roman’s room to have rose petals leading up to the door. He hadn’t expected to enter the room to find more flowers, potted plants adorned around the room. It was a lovely sight, save for the tired form of his boyfriend on the hospital bed. He looked winded, like he had been running around - to which Anxiety would not doubt it. Roman was always a whirlwind of activity and energy.
You gave me your heart, I asked you to dance with me
Roman hadn’t said a word. All he did was rise, gently take the items from Anxiety’s hands, set them aside. He had pulled a small black velvet box from the pocket of his coat, and all Anxiety felt was that spark in his stomach, the tingling in his fingertips.
“I spoke with some of the nurses. This is pretty last minute, obviously, but hey, who knows how long we have?” Roman’s voice had been so soft, so tender. A stark contrast from his normal excitable tone. “You know, the staff here is fantastic. They ordered all of these flowers for us, I helped them with arranging them. Kinda tired me out, believe it or not.” He had let out a breathy laugh, slowly moving to kneel down onto one knee. Anxiety’s heart was racing so quickly that he could practically feel his blood thrumming through his body. “We called up our friends, closest friends, I mean. Logan and Morality, obviously. And my parents, yours. Our parents are calling up other close relatives to bring them in as well. They aren’t sure of why, but I told them it was an emergency. They’re on their way.” Roman slowly opens the box, presenting it to Anxiety, revealing a glistening black ring with several white diamonds within the band. It was show-stoppingly beautiful. “I’ve been saving up since I was a child to be able to afford the perfect wedding ring for my beloved. I hope this is sufficient.” He lets out another breathy laugh, his soft gaze meeting Anxiety’s. “This won’t be the perfect wedding that I always imagined, I know. I have only wanted the best for you, for us, but it seems that we may not be able to have that. But, despite that, it would be an incredible honor if you, Anxiety Thomas Sanders, would be so kind as to marry an old sap like me. Here, right now, today, while I can still dance with you. In this room, with those important to us, because I want to be yours and I want you to be mine for all eternity, no matter how long I’m still here. Will you?”
You loved honestly, gave what you could release
Anxiety had been unsure of when he had started crying, but at some point he had. No words needed to be said. He had simply dropped to his knees and held his hand out for Roman to slip the ring onto his finger. Roman’s bright smile lit up the entire room, filling Anxiety with the warmth that he has become addicted to.
Morality and Logan were the first to arrive. They found them, both still sat on the floor, clinging to one another for dear life.
I know in peace you’ll go, I hope relief is yours
It took about three hours for the rest of the desired family members to file in. Even in the current circumstances, Roman had been smiling and laughing, sat on his hospital bed with Anxiety snuggled close beside him. He looked so bright, so joyous, and Anxiety was angry.
Angry with the world for doing something like this to someone so great. Roman was a light to the world, someone who deserved so much life, but fate is cruel. Fate wanted to take away the happiness in Anxiety’s life.
Despite that, though, he couldn’t feel completely drained. The ring on his finger gave him hope, more hope than he could conjure up alone.
Now I am strong, you gave me all
The ceremony was beautiful.
The hospital staff had come together to bring in a priest to marry them. It was astounding, to Anxiety, how complete strangers could band together to do so much for people they do not even know. It gave Anxiety hope for the world.
Something that will always be ingrained into his memories is the look on Roman’s face when Anxiety had stepped around the corner to venture into the room, wearing a pair of ripped skinny jeans and one of Roman’s hoodies that was baggy on his frame. He had smiled more brightly than ever, it shone through the room like sunlight. It reminded Anxiety of why he fell in love with him.
You gave all you had, and now I am whole
Their kiss was the most intense, most beautifully stunning fireworks production Anxiety could imagine.
My love, beat inside me, my love
Anxiety was there for it all.
He sat beside his husband’s bed or with him on it, day by day, as Roman’s condition deteriorated through the months.
Many cases are able to go home, but with how quickly Roman’s infliction was spreading, he was kept at the hospital.
Anxiety was there when Roman cried every time he discovered more of his hair falling out. Anxiety was there when Roman would let out the contents of his stomach into the waste bin. Anxiety was there when Roman finally lost sight in both of his eyes. Anxiety was there when Roman cried, wishing he could see the stars in his love’s eyes again.
My love, leave yourself behind
The nights were hard. Anxiety couldn’t sleep, he hardly would even if he had the opportunity to. He wanted to be awake as much as possible, to revel in the presence of his husband while he still could.
He would murmur to him at night. He would tell Roman that he is so strong, but sometimes, it is stronger to let go. He would tell Roman of how he knows their love is strong, that no matter what happens, Roman will live on within him. No matter where they are, Anxiety is in Roman, and Roman is in Anxiety.
They were together for one year, seven months, sixteen days, five hours.
They were married for four months, three days, nine hours.
Beat inside me,
Anxiety was there when Roman held his hand. Anxiety was there when Roman told him he loved him. Anxiety was there when Roman offered him one last smile, one last goodbye.
Anxiety was there when Roman finally let go.
I’ll be with you
His prince was gone.
Anxiety still wears his wedding ring.