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"We are, really terrible at parenting." Alex says, they're all sprawled out on the couch, Philip in front of them, in his diaper and nothing else. They've been trying to get him dressed for the last hour to no avail.
"He's still alive, and that's a testament to how good our parenting is." John says.
"We've lost him twice in the past hour." Eliza says.
"He turned up after 5 minutes. That's okay." Alex says.
"We have a solid C as most parents go." John says.
"Why do kids even have clothes if they just rip them off?" Eliza says, and drops their head into their hands.
"Capitalism." John says and Eliza lets out a weak laugh.
"We should-" Alex starts and Eliza cuts him off.
"No." Eliza says abruptly.
"You didn't even know what I was going to say." Alex argues.
"I knew exactly what you were going to say. You were going to say we should call Angelica." Eliza says.
"She's good with him. She could give us a break." Alex says.
"He's not wrong. We could all use some sleep, only if it's for a few hours." John says. Eliza looks at Philip and then back at John and Alex, and sighs their defeat. "Call her then."
Angelica arrives a little after the fifth attempt to get Philip dressed, watching as the three of them try to corner him.
"Philip, please. I will give you at least five dollars if you put this shirt on." Alex pleads.
"No!" Philip exclaims, and tries to escape again.
"He's one, Alex. He doesn't understand currency." Eliza says.
"You're right. We shouldn't push capitalist ideals on our son so early." Alex says. "You're not raising my nephew to be a communist, Hamilton." Angelica says, deciding to stop watching and actually contribute to dressing Philip.
"Angelica!" Eliza says and runs to hug their sister.
"Eliza, looking handsome as always. More could be said about your husband and boyfriend, though." Angelica says.
"You try raising a one year old and see how good you look, Schuyler. Or is it Cosway now?" John quips back.
"I am, and I still look good. You know good and well Maria took my last name, Laurens." Angelica says. She rolls her eyes and lets go of Eliza.
"How's my favorite nephew doing?" She asks, scooping Philip up to give him a kiss on the cheek. He giggles and his hands quickly find their way into her hair.
"How is my favorite in law, Angelica?" Alex asks.
"I'm doing wonderful, thanks for checking in, Hamilton." Angelica says, grinning.
"How's Maria?" Eliza asks, taking the squirming Philip from Angelica's hands. "She's good. Louisa's been a bit of a handful lately, but we're managing it." Angelica says.
"Aren't all one year olds?" John says.
"Yeah, most likely. You can go sleep or do whatever you do when I come over. I've got this one." Angelica says, plucking Philip from Eliza's hands.
"You're a godsend, Angie." Alex says, taking John and Eliza's hands and beginning to lead them to the bedroom.
"All your life, Hamilton." Angelica says.
"This nap is about to be so fucking amazing." Eliza whispers and both John and Alex laugh. Eliza dives into the middle of the bed and Alex and John climb in after them.
They wake up a few hours later, well rested and ready to relieve Angelica of her aunt duties. Philip is asleep on Angelica's chest, fully clothed and peaceful looking.
"I got you some dinner, it's on the counter." Angelica says quietly, waving her hand toward the kitchen.
"You're an angel, Angelica." Alex says, creeping toward the kitchen.
"How'd you get him dressed?" Eliza asks, carefully moving Philip into their arms. They move him into his cot in the living room and let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't woken.
"I told him that kids who don't put on their clothes, can't eat ice cream. Like ever." Angelica says, shaking her arms out.
"You're magic." Eliza says.
"I'm aware. I should be getting home to my own kid and wife. Good luck, little sib." Angelica says, kissing their forehead.
"Have I ever told you that Angelica is the best woman alive?" Alex asks around a mouthful of food.
"You have. You also said you have no idea why she hates you so much." Eliza says, rolling their eyes.
"I've never done anything wrong in my life." Alex says.
"You're young, there's still time." John says. Alex throws a fork at his head. "We need to have a serious talk about what Philip's gonna call us. Otherwise it'll just be incoherent babbling for the rest of his life." Eliza says, after they've finished eating.
"He could just call me dad, I don't mind that." John says.
"What will he call me?" Alex asks.
"Scrublord Number One." Eliza says. Both John and Eliza break out in laughter while Alex pouts at both of them.
"He could call you papa or something like that. Or maybe père?" John says.
"Papa is fine. We can teach him French!" Alex says, excitedly.
"We probably could. We should teach him piano as well." Eliza says.
"The ladies will swoon. Our musical bilingual son." John says.
"Or the boys. That was very heteronormative of you, John." Alex says.
"How dare you?" John asks, faking offense.
"I'm a good, pure, Christian heterosexual."
He can't make it to the end of his sentence without laughing. "You're both a mess." Eliza says, throwing a pillow at both of them. Even though Philip is a handful most of the time and they're pretty sure Alex, John, and themselves are pretty bad at being parents, it's all worth it in the end. They never want it to not be like this.