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McCoy paced his room on Yorktown, waiting for Jim to arrive. The birthday party had been the day before; a party that had gone even better than he thought it would, and one that made him take some real stock in his life and what he wanted in his future. And standing there, watching Spock with Nyota, and Hikaru with Ben, he realized he wanted what they had. He wanted it with Jim.
He had been steadily falling for his friend since the Academy. Now... now he was landing. He loved him. He loved him with his heart, with his soul. The man was his best friend and he knew, now that Jim had matured, he could also be his lover. It was so clear to him, the way Jim looked at him, touched him, talked to him; his love was returned. At the very least, he was deeply cared for by the younger man and he knew Jim would want to give them a chance, explore every possibility. He'd never back down from a challenge.
So now he was waiting. They already had plans to go to breakfast together, Leonard had just decided he would be talking to Jim before hand, and hopefully breakfast would be spent discussing what their future held, together. The door chimes but then Jim just lets himself in.
“Hey, Bones, ready to go?”
“Not yet,” he replies, wiping sweaty palms on his pants legs. “I needed to talk to you about something.”
“That sounds ominous,” Jim jokes. “What's up?”
Leonard takes a deep breath and then walks up to Jim, into his personal space, and takes one of his hands. Jim's expression freezes briefly, before changing to one of concern.
“After everything that's happened,” he began, the words he had thought of earlier flying away, “I just couldn't keep going on, day after day, serving with you, being with you, without saying, um. Without telling you.... Damn it! I love you, Jim. I love you, and I'm hoping that you and I...”
But Bones stops before he finishes because Jim is shaking his head, looking sad, and gripping the hand in his painfully tight.
“Oh, god, Bones,” he says, voice pained. “I love you, but not like that. You're my best friend and for all these years, you've been the brother mine never was. I can't be with you like that.”
McCoy snatches his hand out of Jim's grip, mortified. He closes his eyes, trying to keep tears from falling, feeling like his heart has been ripped out of his chest. How could he be so wrong? How could he have misread Jim so badly? He had fallen so hard he must of convinced himself his feelings were returned, never imagining they weren't. What a fool he had been.
Suddenly Jim's arms are around him, pulling him close, tucking his face into his neck and softly shushing him. He rubs Leonard's back, rocking him back and forth. Leonard realizes he has lost the war with his tears and Jim had seen them falling down is face. His humiliation complete, he gives in and holds Jim close, knowing he's lost him completely, his fists clenched at his back, and weeps, mourning his loss.
“I was so stupid,” he hiccups. “I shoulda never said anything. I shoulda known better. I fuckn' ruined everything.”
“No,” Jim exclaims, gently untangling them and holding Bones at arm's length so he can look in his face. “You've ruined nothing. I couldn't stand not being your friend. Don't do anything stupid.”
“You're ok with me still being your CMO?” he asks incredulously, getting himself better under control.
“My CMO, my best friend, my drinking buddy. I know it's going to be a little weird at first, but I'm not going to let this interfere in our friendship. We'll get through this.”
McCoy steps out of his grip, putting distance between them that he desperately needs. Hearing Jim defend their friendship, knowing that he still wants to serve with him, helped. He thought in that one moment he had lost everything dear to him because he had been greedy, wanting more. He nods, to Jim as well as himself.
“Ok, ok, good. I won't mention it again.”
“Are you ok?”
“I will be,” he says, still feeling raw. Then, from some reserve he wasn't aware he had, he smiles. “We'll be ok, Jim. I'm just glad you're willing to remain friends. It was the idea of losing that because I'm an old fool that was upsetting me so much. Sorry I lost it.”
“You are not a fool,” Kirk denies adamantly. “Um, ready to go to breakfast?”
“Seriously?” The look Bones shoots him is unbelieving. “I'm going to do my best to forget this ever happened, but I need you to give me a chance to 'reset'.”
“Ok, I get it. Can I still come get you for dinner tonight?”
“Yeah, yeah, dinner should be fine.”
With a firm nod, Jim leaves, and McCoy sits heavily on his sofa and falls apart.
*~*~*~*
When Jim arrives to pick him up for dinner, Leonard had already cleaned up, changed and was mentally collected. He greets Jim with his usual sarcasm, working hard to act exactly as if that morning never happened. Jim plays his part to the letter, for which he is eternally grateful. Maybe things would be alright.
*~*~*~*
Jim watched Bones from across the room. They had met everyone for dinner and afterwards adjourned to the restaurant's lounge for drinks, the senior crew mingling. His heart ached, remembering that morning, the look of hope on Bone's face crumbling to devastation and more disappointment than Kirk had ever seen in his eyes. It killed him, seeing his Bones that hurt. It almost cracked his resolve. But for both of their sakes, he couldn't let that happen.
“Jim,” Spock greeted him as he came up beside him with his own drink. “I have noticed you watching the doctor. He seems to be enjoying his conversation with Mr. Scott. Why do you not just join them instead of looking at him as if you are missing your best friend?”
“Something horrible happened today, Spock,” he confessed, taking a sip of his drink, trying to shore himself up. “Bones told me he loved me. He was about to ask for a future with me.”
“I do not understand,” Spock replied, mouth just barely tilting down. “I was under the impression that you return his feelings. The two of you have been, as the Human saying goes, dancing around each other for years.”
“I can't give him what he wants. I do love him, but I'm never going to be able to settle down. He's talked about it before; a dirt-side assignment, a house, maybe a kid someday. Did you know he has a daughter? Joanna, from his first marriage. She's ten, she calls me Uncle Jim. And that's as far as I want it to go. Sometimes I feel like I should want kids, but I don't. I don't want to be a father or a step father. He's even talked about the time when we'll both retire, but I've realized I'm not sure I can even do that. I'm going to stay in the black until the day I die or I'm physically incapable of being a Captain anymore.”
“You do not believe this is something the two of you can compromise about?”
“Compromising means both parties giving something up. I'd have to eventually give up the stars, which I can't do, or he'd have to give up having a family, which I won't ever ask him to do. There is no middle ground. One of us would have to give up everything. Hell, seeing as I'm not willing to, maybe I don't love him as much as you or I think I do.”
“Perhaps you just underestimate his willingness to sacrifice.”
“I'm not. I know that if I told him all of this and asked him to, he'd give up everything and stay with me. But, damn it! He was already unhappy that I didn't ask for the five year mission to be cut short. He doesn't want this. Once the mission is over, he'll be gone. And I'm letting him go. It hurts like hell, but we'll both get over it and move on. Maybe it's best he finally said something, so we could get it out of the way, so he could maybe find someone else that wants to settle down. I'll take the pain now, I'll hurt him now, so I don't end up wasting his time and devastating him later.”
Jim continued to watch him, watch him smile, watch him laugh. It hurt. But it was worth it. Captain Kirk was married to the Enterprise. Someday, he knew, his Bones would find someone to love him like that.
The End