Work Text:
Smiley Pancakes
You weren't even really sure what you were dreaming about nor did you particularly care. What mattered most was identifying that absolutely decadent and familiar aroma wafting through your nostrils that coaxed you out of your slumber. Undoubtedly, it was the scent of food being cooked and that instantly made you hungry and made your eyelids part. However, you remained still and wrapped up in the cocoon of sheets and a quilt around your form, preferring to wake up a little more before officially getting up for the day.
After a mere second of processing what exactly that heavenly aroma was, you managed to make a conclusion despite the weary fogginess that addled your brain. You had smelled it plenty of times before and even then, it was unmistakable. It was bacon.
A smile started to grace your features as it completely registered to you. Already, you swore you could taste the meaty treat on your tongue and you started salivating more. You didn't eat it daily but it was something you very much appreciated and indulged in when the opportunity presented itself. It seemed the day was off at tremendous start and for that you were rather grateful and relieved.
But then something occurred to you.
Your eyes widened when you realized your husband wasn't sleeping next to you. His side of the bed was empty and was even quite cold. There was only the two of you living in your house. There definitely weren't any little, mischievous goblins in your house preparing breakfast either. Synapses started to fire off more rapidly and efficiently in your brain as you put two plus two together.
Shit. He was cooking unsupervised. And yes, that was a potentially disastrous thing.
You shot up out of bed, panic gripping you and at any second, you were expecting the smoke detector to go off and there would be great, leaping flames erupting from the stove top. You gave your husband plenty of credit and knew he wanted to cook to help you out and you knew he tried hard when he tried to embark on these culinary endeavors. He could at least make a bowl of cereal and for that you thanked God heartily. But besides preparing some cereal and making toast (sometimes it was charred so badly it wasn't even recognizable anymore), he needed some guidance and tutelage. You certainly weren't a Gordon Ramsay or Jacques Peppin but you knew a thing or two more about cooking than your significant other.
Before you could throw the covers off and make a mad dash into the kitchen to contain the Hell he undoubtedly unleashed, you could hear his heavy footfalls coming up the stairs. You stared ahead at the partially closed door and you could feel dread pooling in your stomach. You could only imagine the carnage and chaos in your kitchen and you knew it would be an absolute nightmare to clean up. Within the confines of your mind, you urged yourself to calm down and not lash out at him. It wasn't his fault that he wanted to experiment and you counted yourself lucky that he was eager to learn about this domestic art.
He made it to the top of the stairwell and you could hear him make his way over to your bedroom. You remained in your spot, again reminding yourself to keep calm and not react too negatively or harshly to him. You loved him too much to be mad at him over something like this. But then again, if he ruined the kitchen, you decided he'd sleep on the couch for a week.
"Rise and shine!" he chirped loudly and merrily.
He gently kicked the door open and a second later, you could see him standing in the doorway. His smile was huge and appeared utterly triumphant and glowing as he gazed back at you. He usually had a large smile on his face but this one seemed particularly notable and proud.
Your eyes shifted from his expression to the tray he was carrying. Blinking, you looked closer at the contents on the surface. You saw a smaller plate that bore some strips of bacon and you could see eggs that were prepared in your favorite style. There was a larger plate as well that had two pancakes and the one on top of the other had a smiley face on it formed from blueberries cooked into the flapjack. There was also a glass of your favorite juice and right next to your drink, there was a red tulip in a small, glass vase.
In all honesty, you were shocked and thoroughly impressed. Everything seemed to be prepared to perfection and nothing looked as if it had been mummified or dried up due to overcooking. He didn't reek of smoke and he wasn't covered in soot or some other substance.
You were snapped out of your stunned stupor as he laughed at your astonishment.
"Vhat?" The sound of his thick accent rang out. He approached your side of the bed, still bearing the fruits of his culinary victory. "Jou are speechless, my dear!"
"Blitzwing, this looks immaculate!" you praised. "My God, this looks wonderful! Thank you so much! How did you pull this off? I mean, no offense… Last Tuesday the spaghetti was practically on fire and now there's this!"
Random was then replaced by Icy and just like the other personality, he wore a rather smug and pleased grin.
"Plenty of note taking and observation vas done," he explained. "I've been vatching jou, vatching TV and scouring ze internet for tips, tricks and ingredients. My lack of skills had frustrated me and I sought to correct zat." Tenderly, he set the tray on your lap and then placed a kiss on your forehead. "I hope zat jou like it, my dear."
"It looks amazing and I'm sure it tastes the same, if not better," you assured him. "I admit, I was about to shit myself when I realized you were cooking on your own. Plus, I'm pretty surprised you've done this to begin with."
"Vell…" He walked around to the other side of the bed and took a seat on his preferred sleeping spot. He scooted a little closer to you and set one of his servos on your shoulder. "I know zat I must learn to cook since our lives are changing and ve must adapt accordingly. It vould be selfish to make jou do it all on jour own constantly." His expression softened and he chuckled. "Perhaps I shouldn't run my mouth. Eat and enjoy, dear."
You leaned in carefully so the tray wouldn't end up following you. Then you set a kiss to his cheek and sat back in your original position.
"I will, thank you," you smiled.
At times, you still found yourself pondering how exactly you managed to reel in such an unexpected and unusual significant other. You two were of a different species and he was once a member of a faction that didn't think too highly of Earthlings and organic life in general. Frankly, you were surprised he didn't just crush you beneath his metal boot like you were some filthy cockroach but here you were, married to him and being presented breakfast by him.
You two met under some rather frightening and tense conditions. A few years ago, you got involved in a road rage incident with some jackass. When you were making a turn, he got impatient and veered around you to get to wherever he was going that was so important. To top it off, he shot you the bird as he drove off. Feeling rather peeved and intolerant to all sorts of bullshit that day, you flipped him off in return and screamed at him to "go fuck yourself with a railroad spike wrapped in sandpaper".
He happened to hear that and after you finally made your turn, he spun around and began to pursue you, intent on exacting some sort of revenge. Quickly, you realized what sort of trouble you landed yourself in and you cursed to yourself as you made random turns in an effort to lose him and see if he really was out for blood now. To your dismay and terror, you saw he was following you and you were starting to panic. You were a good person despite the fact you could be hotheaded every now and then but then again, who wasn't in this day and age?
Now you were in this clusterfuck and you had no idea how to proceed. You couldn't call the police to intervene since your phone was dead and you were actually making your way to the store to buy a new charger since the last one shit the bed at the time when you needed to charge your phone the most. God only knew what sort of heat this man might've been packing too and you thought to yourself he probably had a double barrel shotgun behind his seat, knowing your luck.
So you decided to try to diffuse the situation and try to play the role of a peacemaker. You pulled over in the parking lot of some restaurant, knowing that if things went south, there would be people there and someone would certainly call the police. Asshole was practically riding you and before you could even roll the window down just a little bit, he was out of his vehicle and stomping over to you.
Everything was a blur at that point as you saw a red, furious, foaming face bearing down at you and beating on your window like some crazed ape. Amidst his incoherent screaming and inane babbling, you tried to reason with him and apologize that you overreacted. However, when you annunciated he was acting way out of line and rudely at the intersection to begin with, you could've sworn he was about to turn into a Super Saiyan.
This man hit your window with such force you started to see cracks starting to spider web across the glass. This guy was going to smash a hole in your window, pull you out through it and probably beat you to death in this parking lot.
But when you were about to believe you were marked for death, you saw this guy get pulled away from your car by the scruff of his neck. Your savior then picked him up and then slammed him down on the hood of his car and pinned him there. You got out of your car to see what the Hell just happened and you were surprised to see a shrunken down Decepticon incapacitating this fine specimen of a human.
About two minutes later, the police finally showed up and took over from there. At first, they thought the Decepticon was attacking this gentleman but you stepped in quickly and explained the situation to a "T". The officers took the man into custody and they were still rather skeptical and even hostile towards this robot. As it turned out, this alien was the one that ended up calling the police and reporting the incident and he took to the sky to monitor you both as you tried to lose your pursuer. Apparently, the Cybetronian happened to be in the right place at the right time and needless to say, you were extremely grateful for his intervention.
To see that he stepped in confused you greatly but you weren't going to be complaining either. For some time now, you and the rest of the world had been aware of the Cybertronian presence on Earth. You recalled feeling rather frightened and uneasy at this revelation and you wished they'd just leave since they were endangering the lives of your fellow mankind. You knew the Autobots were there to protect humanity and fight off the Decepticons who also happened to be at war with the other faction.
Time passed and eventually, the Autobots were victorious. Many Decepticons were given a choice in this aftermath; run away, continue to create mischief and risk being imprisoned or killed or to join the Autobots. There were still some Decepticon attacks that popped up every once in awhile but for the most part, those incidents grew sparser and sparser. So it was rather odd to see this particular Decepticon that spared you was roaming about the streets and happened to stumble upon your misfortune by chance.
Regardless, you thanked him profusely for his help and you offered to repay him for his selflessness. As luck would have it, all he wanted was to have a few sips of oil. You had some oil bottles in your trunk due to having your oil changed last week and you happily gave him an unopened one you had.
Needless to say, you found yourself intrigued by him and you had to admit you were a bit unsure or even intimidated by the face swapping feature he had. You stuck around with him for a little after the incident and chatted with him some more and you inquired why he was shrunken down and why he intervened. He explained that the Autobot victors stressed that if he wouldn't join them or submit to correctional actions, being shrunken was the next best option and to still be monitored until he either yielded to them or they presented another proposition to him. As for his interference, he told you quite shamelessly he thought you were adorable and felt the urge to shield such a cute creature from an unruly and brutish man who had undoubtedly belligerent intentions in mind. He said he had a soft spot for the female of the species, both Earthlings and Cybertronians.
You still felt indebted to this metal man and you offered him shelter in your home until he knew where to go next with his travels. A looming thunderstorm and torrential downpour helped influence his choice and he followed you back to your house. He stressed that he wouldn't stay for long and he had other things to do and see…
But from there, things only snowballed out of control. He confessed he had somewhat of a curiosity and fascination for humans and there were times when you caught him rummaging through cupboards, drawers and closets just to see all the things you owned or used and learn more about you in the process. There were a few times where you thought he might snap and kill you or do something horrible to you but nothing particularly negative ever occurred aside from Hothead yelling at you or Random sniffing your underwear.
His stay extended and before you knew it, he was expressing a reluctance to leave. Blitzwing explained he felt comfortable in this setting and he had grown partial to you. It definitely wasn't something he expected nor did you.
You started to reciprocate those feelings to him. You felt safe and secure with your peculiar housemate and you knew that if anyone tried to break in and rob you, they'd be fucked. You grew attached to his spontaneity, his three personalities and his differences in general. Although he was a self proclaimed ex-Decepticon and you expected him to retain some of that viciousness and stigma, he was a rather decent individual. He was complicated at times but at the same time, you could see he was trying to transition and adapt to this new era. He was trying and that only drew you closer to him.
Soon enough, you found yourself in love with him. It all seemed like it came out of nowhere. Sure, you denied it at first but after thinking it through briefly, you saw you couldn't lie to yourself or escape that reality.
Not long after that, you found yourself straddling him and bouncing on his hips on your sofa. Apparently, he had no objections to that act and sinned with you.
And then you found yourself wondering what the fuck had you done. You really did just ride a robot and it was phenomenal. But did you regret it? You answered that question by making love to him for the rest of the night.
More time went by and you were walking down the aisle and making your way to him while he looked back at you, donning a top hat and a bowtie. Your wedding was six months ago and while you had been in your relationship with him for a few years, you still had the desire and love for him. It hadn't diminished and you hoped it would remain for decades to come.
Happily, you ate your meal. It tasted as wonderful as it smelled and you were still rather astonished that he pulled this off. In fact, you found yourself wolfing your meal down and you probably would've consumed the tulip as well in your fervor if you were a tad bit hungrier. It was moist and cooked perfectly and you couldn't find any fault in it (perhaps you were even somewhat jealous).
"Good!" Hothead exclaimed. "I cooked all of zat food so I vant jou to eat it all! Zhere is more downstairs and I don't vant it vasted!"
"You don't need to tell me twice!" you said as you swallowed your last piece of bacon. "Maybe I will have a second serving!" Playfully, you smiled and poked his stubby nasal plate and snickered. He snorted at the contact and tried to reaffirm his manliness as he always did. "Don't be such a baby. I'm your wife, you don't have to prove how big and tough you are… I know just what you're made of."
He smirked in return, showing off his tooth gap. You had to admit, he looked rather charming and handsome with that little imperfection.
"Zat jou do, baby!" he retorted.
"You may be big and tough but you're quite the teddy bear at times too," you further teased him. "It's funny how you're the loudest one when I work my magic on you too."
You looked away from him and took a sip from your juice, enjoying the stunned silence and his gaping jaw. You nearly snorted the juice from your nostrils as he remained quiet and still but you forced yourself to contain your swelling laughter and amusement.
"Jou are so lucky zat I have a lot of patience vith jou…" he muttered.
"Likewise," you added lightly. "You do some stuff that drives me up a wall but I deal with it because I love you."
"Like vhat?!" He folded his arms across his chest and huffed grumpily. You almost laughed at his puerile display but you didn't feel like instigating Hothead further. "Vhat are jou talking about?!"
"I'm talking about missing underwear, crushed toasters, oil stains, previous culinary disasters… Must I go on?"
"I've got a list of complaints too, femme! But I'm not going to go into it!"
"Isn't that nice of you?"
He growled at your words. Blitzwing snorted and for a moment, you could've sworn you could see a small puff of steam being vented. You chuckled at his mannerisms and resumed eating the rest of your breakfast.
A few minutes later, you finished and set your silverware on the plate. You sighed in satisfaction, feeling pleased and filled with your meal. It was definitely the best meal he cooked by far and now you were hoping his next efforts would be just as fruitful and successful. You removed the tray from your lap and set it down on the floor beside the bed.
"Thank you again, honey," you said. "Breakfast was perfect and it couldn't have been any better."
"I'm so happy zat jou liked it!" Random beamed. "Ze main ingredient vas love and I see it vorked!"
Blitzwing set both of his servos on your cheeks, cupping your face and set a firm but affectionate kiss on your lips. Tittering lowly, he pulled away and licked at your lips. He hummed in delight as he tasted the miniscule traces of syrup on them.
"You ought to try some for yourself, dear," you said sheepishly. You could feel some warmth creep into your cheeks and you had a hunch they were getting quite rosy.
The triple changer giggled as he abruptly hoisted you up onto his lap and set you there. His servos rested on your hips and you relaxed as the tips of his digits gently kneaded into your flesh. The jack-o-lantern face then waggled his brow plates at you suggestively.
"Jou taste better zhan any pancakes, my turtledove!" he cackled.
You stubbornly shook your head and conveniently, your could feel the festering heat in your cheeks burn hotter. Your arms folded across your chest and as much as you wanted to remain stubborn and stout, you also knew it was a lost cause. He could read you well and you hated it.
"You're nasty," you smirked as you lightly poked the middle of his faceplate.
"But jou don't seem to mind or care at all!" he countered.
Then his faceplate softened. It looked as if he suddenly had some revelation or forgot something and only realized it in that moment. He went totally still and silent for a few moments and it started to worry you as long as he remained inactive.
"Oh, God…" you uttered. "What happened?" You sniffed at the air, wondering if he had left something on in the kitchen and was now bursting into flames. "What did you forget?"
"For a moment, I forgot about how much I love jou," he answered.
The tension rolled off of you and you let out a sigh of relief. You smiled at him and leaned forward, your chest pressing up against his as you moved. Your face inched closer to his and you gave him a kiss.
"I love you too, Blitzwing," you said.
He squealed rather loudly at your words and he pulled you closer to him. He chortled proudly and you swore you could almost feel his spark burning hotter beneath his chest plating. While Blitzwing was practically constricting his arms around you, you didn't mind it. You only chose to bask in the moment and treasure it. The closeness comforted you and you felt quite safe and secure being with him like this.
You could feel yourself smile more as you felt and heard him purr beneath you, sounding a lot like some overgrown housecat. In all honestly, you loved that noise and feeling. It was soothing and made you feel as if there was nothing else in the universe besides the both of you.
For a few minutes, the two of you rested like this. You exchanged small kisses and relaxed exhales as you enjoyed the tranquility and calm. You wished this would last forever and it would never be disturbed.
Then your attention was piqued when he spoke your name. You faced him, still smiling and feeling totally and utterly at ease.
"What is it?" you asked.
Blitzwing paused for a moment and looked endearingly at you.
"Lemme smash."
The sound of him half howling and half laughing seconds later went wholly unnoticed to you as you heard those words. You remained almost too calm as it replayed over and over in your head.
Of course he had to soil the moment and say something like that. He had an uncanny talent for initiating intimate and loving instances and then destroying them in no time at all.
But yes. Yes, you were going to smash him. Directly into his face with your fist.