Work Text:
“Well, are you gonna tell him?” Jade prompts you during movie night like a fucking asshole.
“No, fuck you” you say, grabbing the popcorn bowl from Kanaya. Your name is Karkat Vantas and you are so fucking done with Jade’s shit.
“Tell who what?” Dave chimes in.
You sigh at all the curious faces around the room “Sollux I had a dream we fucked”
“Gross” he doesn't even take his eyes off the title screen.
You give Jade a triumphant look.
Rose speaks up “The real question is was he any good?”
“So lemme get this straight. Sollux. You fucked Sollux in your dream. Him. This Sollux.” Dave states.
You roll your eyes “do you know another Sollux? And I dunno he was lukewarm. I think he had like a weird bulge mutation that forked it or something to go along with his duality shtick”
Aradia snorts “Lukewarm? Sollux, I don't think you're giving dream sex your best effort”
You gag like a true friend would.
“With KK? How can I not half ass dream sex with him?”
“Well it would also follow your ‘Duality Shtick’” Kanaya chimes in.
“Only Aradia gets Sollux’s whole ass!” Roxy cheers.
“Can we stop talking about Karkat's dream sex life and watch the movie?” John complains. Roxy pats his head.
You lean across several laps to get the remote to comply with this request, almost elbowing Dave in the crotch, to which he hisses at you to watch his dick.
There are seriously too many people in this tiny ass apartment.
You hit play and lean back only to have Dave whisper to you “Why Sollux?”
You shrug and whisper back “maybe it's a sign”
“I can hear you and I'd rather split my bulge in half with a rusty spoon. Then I guess it would fit my duality shtick” Sollux says.
John reaches over Roxy to shove his shoulder “Movie time now. Sexy dream times later.”
---
gardenGnostic [GG] opened memo on board “karkat had another dream!!!!!! >;D”
GG: youve gotta tell them!!!!
carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo
CG: NO ACTUALLY I DON'T GOTTA DO ANYTHING.
CG: WHY I STILL BOTHER TO TELL YOU ANYTHING REMAINS A MYSTERY TO ME.
GG: dawwww >:D
tipsyGnostaglic [TG] responded to memo
TG: tell us
TG: tell us
TG: tell us
TG: tell uuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssss
TG: was it duality man again??
turntechGodhead [TG2] responded to memo
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo
TG2: goddamnit
TG2: i was hoping to show up first and not get the fucking 2 attached to my thing
TG: better try harder next time boi
TG: only the fastest are able to take first dibs at abrv on this wild crazy ass memo train
TG2: man gotta step up my fucking game if im ever gonna get my shot
TG2: cue training montage
TG2: karkat will you be my retired begrudging trainer whos too old for this shit
CG: ROXY’S ALREADY MY APPRENTICE, DAVE.
CG: SHE DRIVES A HARDER BARGAIN THAN YOU.
tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo
CG: AND SHE'S GOT BETTER MONTAGE MUSIC.
TG: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
TG: fuck yea i got the best on my squad
TG: whatcha gon do now???
TG: im UNSTOPPABLE
TT: What did I miss? Did Karkat once again engage in dream fucking with Sollux?
GA: We Do Not Yet Know
ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo
GA: However The Implication Is That He Did Indeed Dream Fuck Once More
GA: Based Upon The Winking Memo Title
CG: ALL OF YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.
EB: man karkat....
EB: it really seems like youre getting up to a lot of dream sex lately
timaeusTestified [TT2] responded to memo
EB: maybe you should slow down a little?
EB: is it possible to have too much dream sex in such a short amount of time??
CG: OH MY GOD.
TG2: haha fuck
TG2: yeah you gotta worry about that dream chafing yo
TG2: by the way have you been using dream protection
TT2: Wouldn't wanna get a dream STD Karkat, those can be pretty dangerous.
TT2: How do you know all your dream partners are clean?
TG2: what if dream sollux had herpes
TG2: you two should get tested together in your next dream if you're serious about sexual responsibility
gustyGumshoe [GG2] responded to memo
GG2: Well shucks!
GG2: Looks like I have quite the load of reading to do.
TG: good luck janey
TG: dave this is why its important to get there first!!
TG2: i literally responded directly after you
TT2: I’m gonna have to go with Roxy on this, since not only did she clearly kick your ass and achieve alpha TG status, but she also was first only behind the subject of the memo and the memo’s originator.
TT2: Or she arrived five lines in as opposed to your twelve, if you'd rather look at it that way.
TG2: okay but also im pretty sure everyones habit of double texting the shit outta everything contributed to that
TT: Dirk has a point there. Twelve is more than double five.
TG2: rose no
TG2: you were the only family i had left
TA: can we all 2top beiing 2o ob2e22ed with kk’2 obviou2 attractiion to my horriifiic fle2h contaiiner
TA: how diid you guy2 not already know thii2?
TA: he had a cru2h on me for all of niinth grade
golgothasTerror [GT] responded to chat
CG: OH YOU FUCKING WISH I WAS ATTRACTED TO YOU.
CG: TRUST ME IF THAT LITTLE LAPSE IN SANITY EVER RESURFACED I WOULD DO THE SENSIBLE THING AND BLOW MY BRAINS OUT AND LEAVE A NOTE WARNING THOSE WHO FIND ME OF THE POSSIBLY CONTAGIOUS VIRUS THAT CAUSED ME TO SLOWLY LOSE MY PAN, AND REQUEST THAT THEY DEAL WITH THE UNHOLY CARCASS I LEAVE BEHIND ACCORDINGLY.
GG: ew.....
GG2: I have a fidgety feeling that not a one of you late comers have scrolled up to actually read the previous messages.
GG2: Besides maybe Sollux.
TA: ii 2kiimed
apocalypseAsiren [AA] responded to memo
AA: what did I miss? :D
GG2: Hoorah! A fellow scroller.
GG: karkat had another dream which he refuses to tell us about D:<
GG: oh and dave has been betrayed by his entire family
GG2: It seems I have now lost myself a fellow scroller.
TG2: all yall are dead to me
TG2: except jane shes great
GT: well you could always come on over to our family if youve truly been deserted
TG: NOOOOOOOOO
TG: dave is OUR little bro
TT: Correct, I cannot exactly give up my never ending duty to give him a hard time now can I? As his older sibling, as Roxy stated.
TG2: rose youre younger than me
TT: Mentally or physically?
GG: karkat!!!!!!
GG: everyones here!!
GG: tell them!!!!!
CG: ...............................
CG: FINE.
CG: IT WAS CAPTOR AND EGBERT.
TG: le GASP
TA: agaiin, gro22
EB: eeeewwwwwwwww
TG2: really?
TG2: seriously man
TG2: john
CG: I CAN'T CONTROL MY SUBCONSCIOUS NUMBNUTS.
TA: 2o glad we got thii2 2ettled
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased responding to memo
TG2: but like
TG2: just them
TG2: no one else was there
TG2: at all
TG2: not even handing out mints or someshit
TG2: like excuse me sirs
TG2: would you like to partake in a mint break from you constant fucking of karkat
CG: NOPE. NO ONE ELSE THANK GOD.
TG2: hm
TT: Why the sudden inquiry?
GG: are you jealous of john?????? :o
TG: le GASP x2
EB: ewwwwwwwwww
EB: ew ew ew
EB: can we please not???
TG2: im not jealous of dream john what the fuck
CG: UGH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
CG: I'M LEAVING THIS SHITSTORM BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER.
TG2: thank you karkat
TG2: someone finally has my back
CG: SURE.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo
TG2: actually im gonna go ahead and follow his lead
TG2: great idea
GG: dont you dare abscond on us dave!!!!
turntechGodhead [TG2] ceased responding to memo
GG: >:P youre no fun
TT: I agree with this sentiment.
TT2: Same.
TG: double samesies!
TT: Well, I must take my leave, I have to meet Kanaya at her place, and since all the fun was successfully sucked out of this memo there's no reason not to be early.
GA: I Await Your Arrival With Eager Temperament
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased responding to memo
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo
TT2: RL, you up for some rad hang outs?
TG: HELL YEAH DI-STRI!
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased responding to memo
timaeusTestified [TT2] ceased responding to memo
GT: wait!
GG2: I’m sensing some party crashing is in order, Jake.
GT: you sense correctly Jane!
GT: let us find those traitorous scallywags
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased responding to memo
gustyGumshoe [GG2] ceased responding to memo
GG: D:<
GG: well if everyones leaving I might as well close the memo
AA: wait jade!
GG: ?
AA: could you come over today?
AA: I'm running an experiment on some artifacts my team found at the dig and I could really use an extra hand.
GG: sure!
gallowsCallibrator [GC] responded to memo
GC: WHO4
GC: WH4T H4PP3N3D H3R3?
EB: oh no
EB: she showed up
GC: PL34S3D TO DIS4PPO1NT YOU JOHN
GG: ill just leave the memo open so you can catch up
GG: no fighting though!! >;D
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo
apocalypseAsiren [AA] ceased responding to memo
EB: thats gross
EB: youre gross
EB: why does everyone insist on being so gross today
GC: 1 H4V3NT B33N GROSS TOD4Y
GC: Y3T
GC: (;< (; < (;<
EB: grooooooooosssssssssssssssssss
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo
---
Your name is Dave Strider and you are so beyond fucking done with practically all the members of your family including Jade right now. John is fine you guess. You guess. You were hanging out with him at Karkat’s place while Karkat chilled in the living room/ general couch area working on a paper. That is until he asked you (no judgement of course, bro) if you were in fact jealous of dream him.
Needless to say you fucking smacked him in the face with Karkat’s pillow and left the room to get some Doritos. Because fuck that. No no no. No.
You glance over at Karkat who is currently out like a fucking light. You can’t say you didn’t see that coming. He looks just about done with his paper so you think you’ll leave him be. It’s due tomorrow anyways.
“Dnnnmff” Karkat mumbles eloquently.
You raise an eyebrow. “You waking up again bro? You should really look into this thing called sleep every once in a while. Yeah, you’re supposed to have more than two hours of it and it’s supposed to happen at night. Crucial stuff. Are you taking notes?”
“Dave...” he doesn’t appear to be actually awake yet. Meh. You’ll let him sleep.
He groans, his toes curling. Wait.
Wait.
You rush to his side to hear anything you can as fast as possible because holy shit wait.
Karkat hums, sighing out happily and rolling over onto his side, sending his laptop sliding off his stomach and to the ground. You scramble to catch it, and you do, but you fumble with it and end up slamming it shut in the process, therefore waking Karkat up.
He jerks awake “Dave? What the actual fuck?”
“I was just- uh- you were sleeping. You laptop was falling. I saved it”
He narrows his eyes at you and grabs his laptop back, placing it with care on the coffee table.
“Sorry..” you mumble.
He looks up at you from his seat on the couch for a moment, before his gaze drops and- oh my fucking christ is he staring at your lips?
He shakes his head and waves you away. “It’s fine, now leave so I can fucking sleep”
You nod quietly and walk back into Karkat’s room.
“I thought you were getting Doritos” John says as you enter.
You close the door. “Shut the fuck up a second.”
You take out your phone.
turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
TG: jade
TG: jade
TG: did karkat text you about anything
TG: jade
TG: jade please i need to know
GG: why dont you just check the group chat??? >;D
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
You quickly switch to the group chat.
gardenGnostic [GG] opened memo on board “karkat keeps having sex dreams!!!!!!”
GG: sooooooooooooooooo
GG: tell them who it was this time
carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo
GG: teeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll theeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
CG: IF YOU PROMISE TO BAN EVERYONE DIRECTLY THE FUCK AFTER.
turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo
GG: deal
CG: IT WAS DAVE.
ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo
TG: fuck yes
TG: hell to the fuck yes
TG: finally
TG: i got dream laid
CG: TIME TO BLOCK PEOPLE JADE.
GG: hmmmmmm
GG: maybe >;D
CG: I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO MURDER YOU. I'M GOING TO DRIVE TO YOUR PLACE.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo
CG: AND STRANGLE YOU.
CG: WATCH THE LIFE FUCKING DRAINING FROM YOUR EYES.
GA: Oh My
GA: Shall I Scroll Up
CG: TIME TO BAN PEOPLE JADE.
EB: i wasnt there was i?
CG: NO! FUCKING MOTHER GRUB!
TG: so i had you all to myself is what youre saying
CG: YOUR INTEREST IN DREAM SEX BETWEEN THE TWO OF US IS BORDERING ON EXTREMELY FUCKING QUESTIONABLE.
TG: so how exactly did it go down
GG: no no no no!!!!!! >:o
GG: i really dont want to hear the details
GG: everyone is getting banned now!!!!!
gardenGnostic [GG] banned turntechGodhead [TG] from responding to memo
gardenGnostic [GG] banned ectoBiologist [EB] from responding to memo
gardenGnostic [GG] banned grimAuxiliatrix [GA] from responding to memo
gardenGnostic [GG] closed memo