Chapter Text
Youngjae doesn’t look at Jaebum the way he used to anymore.
He doesn’t give him the reassuring smile Jaebum had always depended on at times like this. It was his last resort to keeping himself sane; recollecting his nervous heart and trembling senses so that his other members do not draw the same rush of anxiety that attacks him. Jaebum is in desperate need of those familiar pink lips curling ever so slightly upward, the soft expression on the younger boy’s visage adding to the comfort his smile provided.
Jaebum knew that smile was reserved for him, and only him.
Youngjae always seemed to show his support to the others more casually, a light pat on the back in contrast to his roughhoused ones, a small squeeze around the shoulders accompanied by a resonating, “Hwaiting!” in a buzzing tone. His cheerful ministrations always seemed to brighten up the mood within the group, and Jaebum was grateful. Youngjae, who was the last to join GOT7, has been one of those most encouraging members of them all.
Throughout the years, Jaebum had found himself instinctively looking for him out of habit in the crowd of managers, makeup artists, and the like. His eyes never fail to locate the grinning boy, already faced in his direction as if he was waiting for Jaebum’s gaze to land on his as well.
Jaebum doesn’t reciprocate the look the way he used to anymore.
Jaebum’s eyes scan the backstage area, pausing at the pale peach haired boy, chugging his water bottle in mere seconds. Their manager had reminded them that there is only five minutes left before they had to perform their very first air of their new comeback, and Jaebum was restless. The members themselves, even in their foundation covered faces, are exhausted to the core. He cannot deny the fact that their preparation took a toll on all of them, but they unanimously agreed that every hard dripping sweat they exuded would pay off in the end. Jaebum knows this as he’s been in the business longer than any of his members have, but he was still human. He still encountered bouts of tantalizing worries he cannot defeat himself.
So he waits.
Standing there with his hand clutched to a tight fist blood had stopped flowing through them, he didn’t quite understand why he is feeling so frustrated over the fact that Youngjae hasn’t given him his signature smile of concern. He holds on to the fleeting memories in his mind; minutes leading up to their first comeback stages and Jaebum turning his head in worry, only to be saved by Youngjae’s presence.
Jinyoung had already nodded towards his direction moments ago, their own ritual of asking for reassurances that every passionate effort they have put into this very moment will soon be rewarded. Jaebum nodded back, albeit softer than normal. Usually, he would have already gathered enough confidence in the world to tell his longest friend that everything would be okay, because Youngjae would have already sent a smile his way.
“Two minutes, everyone,” he hears the firm tone of his manager and he bites his lower lip in frustration.
Jaebum looks down, more flustered than anxious at this point. A huge weight drops from his heart to his stomach, making him feel nauseous. Get yourself together, Im. He hates himself for feeling so vulnerable especially now. He couldn’t let his member catch him off guard like this or else it would ruin the atmosphere altogether. He has to stay strong,not only for him but also for his friends. Petty unrequited feelings shouldn’t matter right now. Inhaling a deep breath, he glances upward only to find Youngjae missing from his previous spot. Jaebum chokes on his breath as he shifts his head to the side; so much for ignoring his inner feelings.
He, instead, sees Jackson standing next to him, a tired smile etching his face. His peripheral vision catches Youngjae approaching Jinyoung to the side, and his heart returns thumping at a normal face. Shaking his head slightly, he focuses his attention on Jackson and raises his eyebrows in question.
“You okay, hyung?” Jackson looks the most indisposed of all the members. He had started feeling unwell the last week of rehearsals, and Jaebum suggested he should take a break. Of course, Jackson had vehemently disagreed as he defened it would be unfair for the others if he would be resting so close to their comeback. Jaebum was not able to counter his statement as he had seen the members nod their heads solemnly, sympathizing with each other’s exhausted bodies. Jaebum could only sigh in resignation, and hoped that Jackson’s spirit was stronger than his immune system to keep him going.
“I should be asking you that, Jackson. You sure you’re ready to be out there?”Jaebum asks softly. Jackson contemplates for a second, a knowing smile still present on his face. Shrugging, he replies, “It’s for the fans. Anything for the fans.”
“They’d rather have you healthy than dying in front of them, you know.”
“Who said anything about dying?” Suddenly, Jackson’s voice turns cheery; too cheery for his liking and they both know it. Jaebum doesn’t have the gall to argue Jackson’s obvious pretending, because he too, was starting to lose himself in all of his exhaustion.
“I’ll be fine, hyung. We just need to endure this first week, and I’ll be more than happy to take up that offer,if it’s still on the table,” Jackson exhales, a hand momentarily wrapping itself around Jaebum’s shoulders. Jaebum manages to chuckle at Jackson’s attempt of brightening up the mood. Eventually, he nods and confirms the offer still available for him. He wishes it was for everyone.
“Thirty seconds. Find your places, guys.” Their manager quickly approaches the scene, huddling every member in sight. Giving his leader a final look, Jackson joins Mark and Bambam in a line.
On his own again,Jaebum feels the sense of betrayal wash over him. He spots the person in suspect and his feet wander automatically near him. His breath hitches as he looks down on the younger’s nape, a reminiscent memory occupies his mind. He imagines his hand slowly resting itself on the crook of that smooth surface of skin, grazing on each beauty mark he could find, and once the urge darkens in his stomach he would move closer, lips excruciatingly closer. His wet parted lips were meant to kiss over that one sweet spot that would send the boy groaning in pleasure, yearning for more.
Licking his lips, Jaebum suppresses the desire in the very depths of his mind. It has been a while since he had touched Youngjae that way. Frowning in realization, it has been a while since Youngjae let Jaebum touch him that way.
“Youngjae,” it wasn’t meant to be heard by the boy slouching in front of him, but Jaebum couldn’t help an ounce of longing escape his lips. Youngjae twitches in his spot, turning his head sideways only an inch, depriving Jaebum of seeing the only face that would tame his nerves as well as bring out the dark side in him.
“What, hyung?” Jaebum’s heart drops at the cold tone emitted by the younger boy, but he coughs it off. “G-good luck out there,” he stutters, hands sweating at his sides. It was a generic statement of encouragement, but what else could Jaebum had done? Biting his tongue inside his mouth, he stops himself from saying anything further or who knows what scandalous act of craving he could have done right there and then.
He hears Youngjae scoff at his words and Jaebum’s world continues to shatter. It seemed as if it was a long time ago when Youngjae had expressed the same kind of animosity towards him which shattered Jaebum the same, so he couldn’t help but think if Youngjae still harbored the very grudge he did when they had that startling confrontation.
Jaebum suddenly feels antsy from the sudden realization that Youngjae might still be angry at him, and have been angry at him all this time. His nostrils flare, upset at the unfair treatment he was getting from the younger one.
He thought that issue had been dealt with. He thought they both got over it.
Before he can ask the burning question lumping his throat, Youngjae fully glances at him, eyes devoid of the emotions he once expressed towards Jaebum;and only Jaebum.
“Thanks.”
The manager hurries them on stage,and Jaebum can only comply without protest. His mind was mess from that moment on, and he didn’t care whether his dancing became out of beat or his singing got too sharp. Whenever his eyes flutter towards Youngjae, his heart makes it increasingly harder for him to breathe.
Jaebum knows he’s ruined it, and he has no clue how to fix it.