Chapter Text
“You’re kidding.”
The expression on Snart’s face indicates just how much he’s not kidding. At all.
Barry gapes at him, and he’s pretty sure his jaw is hanging. He sort of wants to giggle. Because oh my god. What even is his life anymore.
“Holy shit.”
Snart rolls his eyes. “Don’t back away now, Barry, you owe me a favour”, he reminds him sternly, almost defiantly.
“The evil, nefarious kind?” Barry says, beaming. “Yeah. I remember. There was blood and – suede. But wow, did you wait for this kinda thing to pop up? ‘Cause let me tell you, the coincidence is like…wow.”
It’s almost funny.
Snart doesn’t think so; annoyance and impatience practically emits from him.
“Look, this whole thing ain’t ideal to me, either, but unfortunately, I’m running out of options. I need a bodyguard.”
Barry grins. “Cool.”
Snart looks very unimpressed. Too bad, Barry thought that pun would’ve made him at least smile.
“We’ll see if you still think that when you enter the party of the year.”
“Why couldn’t Mick do this?” As soon as Barry says that, he wants to kick himself, because there’s a dark shadow on Snart’s face. Yeah, great going, Allen.
“Let’s just say…we’re not on speaking terms, yet.”
“Shit, sorry, I – I didn’t – “
“Ease up, Red, I’m not made of glass.”
Barry shuts up, unhappy and embarrassed. “Okay. Sorry. I didn’t think you were. Are. Made of glass, I mean. Crap. ANYWAY. Seriously, uh – so, why me?”
Snart raises an eyebrow very dryly. “Besides you last time offered so kindly? No reason.”
“Besides you think I need to be there?”
“Needing someone fast, being the point”, Snart corrects, almost like he’s bored. “And last time I checked, you fit the bill. So, congratulations, Barry Allen, you win an invation to a grade-A douchebag’s fancy party.”
“Okay.” Barry draws a deep breath. He can do this. Totally. No pressure. “So, who is this, uh…douchebag with a fancy party?”
Snart doesn’t quite relax, but he loses some of that tension around his shoulders, and he’s all business, now.
“An underground elitistic asshole named Robert Burkhart. Also known as ‘Scarhead’.”
“Wow. That’s like, so a bad guy name.”
“Ramon has competition, no doubt”, Snart deadpans. “Anyway, he’s holding this party to gloat and rub it in everyone’s faces how well he’s doing and how everyone else is not, and of course, I need to be there. Appearances. Unfortunately me and… Mr. Scarhead had a little… misunderstanding couple of months ago. Concerning business. So, I don’t like my odds. Thus, you.”
“Wow, so I’m a back-up plan?”
Snart rolls his eyes, like he physically cannot handle Barry right now. “Fine, go ahead”, he drawls, bored. “You’re dying to rub it in. You get a free pass.”
“No! No, I’m not – this is so cool, and I’m totally terrified, ‘cause at least a half of those people wanna kill me, if they find out. By the way, I – don’t really look like a bodyguard material, either. I mean, look at me!”
“Don’t see your point, you’re fine.”
“Are they gonna be threatened by a lanky guy, who can’t really do anything without stumbling into something expensive? And probably break it. Like some antique Chinese vase. ‘Cause that sounds like something I’d do. That’s gonna happen, and then your rep is totally destroyed. Then you’re gonna be sorry that you suggested this.”
“Aren’t you full of optimism today”, Snart drolls.
“Hey, I’m just telling you how it’s probably gonna be. I’m a social wreck.”
“You are many things, but a wreck isn’t one of them.”
“No, seriously, I’m not kidding.”
“Look, you don’t have to do anything else than to stick by me and make sure no one jumps me. Which I usually can handle by myself, but this time, I don’t have a backup.”
Barry slumps. “Okay. Yeah, I get it, and I’m not against it, really, but just…it’s a little risky.”
“Don’t try to pretend your whole life isn’t risky. Time travel ring a bell? Dimension jumping for example?”
“Whoa, hey, easy! No need to get all defensive on me, I’m just trying to cover everything, just so you know.”
“Appreciate the concern.”
“Pfft, yeah, ‘cause you asked me. To be your bodyguard.”
Snart draws a deep, patient breath and rolls his eyes again. “They have a buffet table.”
“Really? That’s your incentive? ‘Cause it’s not really – “
Barry trails off, because Snart keeps staring at him like that, like he knows, and seriously, a buffet table, Barry’s so weak. Well, whatever, if he’s going to do this, he might as well get some fancy food out of it.
“Yeah, okay.”
Probably not okay, but hey, it could be worse.
*
Barry decides that he’s not a fan of undercover work. Yeah, no, big time, this sucks.
Not only because this proves to be extremely nerve-wracking, but also because Barry can’t lie all that well. ‘All that well’ meaning he lies like a wet rag, and it’s just - clumsy and awkward, and he can’t act, okay?
Snart thinks the whole thing is hilarious now. Which is totally unfair, because he’s the target, not Barry, and yeah.
“Come on, now, Scarlet, it’s going to be fun”, Snart teases, which is also totally unfair.
Barry has no idea why Snart’s on board with the whole thing; he’s the one, who was growling and tense at first. Seriously.
“No, no, it’s gonna go south, because it always DOES, and stop smiling so smugly, you’re in this, too, so why are you smiling?”
”Just enjoying your entertaining melt down. Do you always freak out, when you go to parties?“
“Well, yeah - no! You’re not funny, shut up. It’s a crime boss’s party, where everybody wants to kill me. Probably. If they find out. Just throwing that out there. Again. In case you somehow missed that fact.“
”They don’t know who you are.”
”Like that’s gonna last? You’re gonna be unhelpful, I just know it.”
Snart rolls his eyes with wry amusement. “Come on, have some faith in me, I have my own interest in this.”
“Yeah, whatever. I’m probably gonna die.”
”Stop being so dramatic, Barry, it’ll be fine. That is, if you refrain yourself from unnecessarily flashing your powers. They are thugs, but they do have eyes.”
”I’m not going to – wait, I don’t have to, unless you do something stupid first, like piss the boss off and I need to rescue you. ‘Cause I’m your bodyguard.”
”You’re a back-up plan in case someone decides to play dirty and shank me in his own party. That’s why plans are important.”
“Sooo…what about Murphy’s law, you know?”
”Optimism, Red, we talked about this.”
”Okay, sooo… if I die, I’m gonna haunt you so bad you wish you had been nicer to me.”
Snart raises an eyebrow at Barry’s magnificent threat. ”You’re so cute”, he drawls.
(Barry still can’t believe this is really happening.)
*
He’s wearing a tux.
“Ease up on the twitching, Barry”, Snart clicks his tongue as he’s putting on cufflinks with practised ease.
“I have another rant on the way, in case you wanna hear?” Barry says, because this whole thing sits wrong in his skin.
“I have a wild guess it involves the same complaining as before.”
“’s not really complaining? Not really, there’s a point to it.”
Snart actually pauses to considerate that. “Huh. Guessed wrong, then. Don’t worry, we’ll smoothe some ruffled feathers for couple of hours, and then we leave.”
“Un-shanked.”
“Ideally.”
After breathing deeply for a few times, Barry calms down.
Yeah, he can do this. Totally. He’s fast, he can protect Snart. He can be a bodyguard, no big deal.
Stop being so whiny.
Snart looks actually pretty nice in his tux, Barry notes. Pretty handsome, more like. Clean-shaven and kind of cool, to be honest. No pun intended. Then it catches to Barry what he just thought and blushing he wants to kick himself. Yeah, focus, you idiot.
“Sooo…any tips for me? You know, ‘don’t stare at that guy, ‘cause he’s got like, a face missing’ or don’t – you know, do anything?”
The older man snorts. “Well, now that you mentioned, there’s one guy who licks his knives”, he drawls sardonically, and Barry isn’t sure if he’s joking or not. Probably not.
“Seriously? Gross. I thought that only happens in movies.”
“Hmmh, he likes to think it makes him… indimitating.”
“It sounds so dirty.”
“You asked.”
“Are the knives poisoned? ‘Cause that seems like…counter productive, if he licks them. Probably not, if he’s still alive, though.”
To Barry’s surprise Snart barks out a rough laugh, and it stuns Barry to silence. Whoa. I’ve never heard Snart laugh. Like, actually laugh. Silly warmth spreads into his chest, and he tries, but it does feel like some kind of awesome accomplishment. He can’t help, but to grin.
Snart probably thinks that’s enough of that, because he straightens and says:
“Fine, let’s get this show on the road.”
Barry draws a deep breath. “Okay. Okay, I’m cool, I’m cool.”
“Could be a little cooler. The trembling doesn’t help. Dead giveaway.”
“Shut up. You’re dead giveaway.”
Snart smirks. “Stunning. I always did enjoy your sense of humour.”
“Not really helping, you know.”
*
The rich douchebag’s house is kind of jaw-dropping. It’s more like a mansion, Barry thinks, a little worried, as they get out of the car.
“Easy now, Scarlet”, he hears Snart say quietly under his breath. “Don’t slouch.”
Barry yanks back up, startled. “I told you I don’t look like a bodyguard”, he whispers nervously. “I’m totally winging it, ‘cause this is not gonna fool anyone. They know what a bodyguard should look like.”
“Just scowl ahead, you’ll be fine.”
“Uh, what’s an evil bodyguard scowl? Like this?”
Barry scowls, but it feels wrong. Fake. Pretend. Like a mask. (He’s not that good at acting, okay, what do you want from him?)
Snart stares at him. Then, he sighs deeply. “No one’s gonna be intimidated by your puppy eyes.”
“Wait, I don’t look like a – see, I told you!”
“Got no other, so deal with it, Red. I’m gonna make sure to hang around the buffet table, so you get at least something from this night.”
It’s not exactly mocking, not really. “Thanks.” Then, something else occurs to him. “Should I wear a mask? Like a – clown mask. Ooh, maybe we can get a horse mask.”
“No.”
“You’re no fun.”
“Newsflash, sweetheart, these things aren’t supposed to be fun. It’s a big ugly pissing contest with occasional murder, so don’t get jumpy.”
Barry winkles his nose. “No offense, but you don’t really seem like the type to, you know, enjoy being there.“
“Can’t picture me here, huh? Well, you’re not exactly wrong. Politics are dirty business, and I don’t play nice with others.”
“Probably depends of the person, I guess?”
Snart pauses, almost stops, and he looks at Barry under his eyebrows, like he’s trying to gauge something. It doesn’t make Barry uncomfortable, exactly, but flustered; heat crawls into his neck.
Why does he always have to say something stupid and awkward?
“Yeah”, Snart finally says, and there’s a small, sardonic smile on his lips, but still, it’s not exactly unkind, if Barry interprets that right. (He hopes he does.) “Maybe it does.”
Then, he turns toward the house. “Ease up.”
Yeah, let’s get this show on the road.