Work Text:
Again.
Coming back on Earth with every loop feels like daring somebody (a God, perhaps). It’s trying to change what has happened before countless times; each one of them being different in some ways than the others, but with the same result in the end. Maybe it’s indeed more of a dare than a challenge. Changing fate. Re-writing the written.
It also feels like gaining hope, most of the time. Not forgetting mistakes, but rather learning from them. Seeing upon the past, present and future. Thinking, praying, This time, it will be different.
(So far, it has never been.)
...
Kaworu meets Shinji in different ways, at the different points of his path. It depends on where and when he wants to make a change.
This time, he enters the story sooner than usually. Kaworu Nagisa is the Fourth Child, the one to pilot Unit 03. This Eva had many pilots in many loops (Toji Suzuhara, Asuka Langley, Rei Ayanami, Mari Illustrious); all their names are sewed into his mind. Their names and their fates. Their fates are almost always the same, the cause is the same. Bardiel.
Thinking about it (Kaworu had a lot of time to think), it all starts falling apart with Bardiel. That’s when the fragile boundaries around Shinji break and from this point on, everything comes to overflow him.
The plan is simple and quite bold, maybe even mad. He realizes this again while sitting in the class, two seats behind Ayanami, four across from Shinji. He’s about to stop Bardiel from infecting Unit 03 on its way of being transported to Japan.
Simple as it sounds, if only.
The ringing of bell is something Kaworu never seems to get quite used to. It awakes his body from stillness and lets the thoughts slow down a bit. Also, it brings something nice. Shinji stands next to his table, smiling timidly and fixing the strip of his bag.
"Ready to go home?"
Kaworu smiles, eyes dropping from Shinji’s face to the top of the table. It’s been like this for the past week, since he was announced to be a new Evangelion pilot, introduced to the rest of Children and temporarily placed with Misato Katsuragi. And it’s actually more than he could have asked for from this loop.
As long as he can remember, he has always wanted to meet Shinji at this point. After he grows a little of confidence in himself and the others, but before the world starts tumbling down on him again. His feelings for Shinji remain unchanged, but this time, Shinji feels slightly different. More attainable. Less broken.
Kaworu doesn’t want to ruin it. He isn’t going to fail.
"Well, actually…" He tries to think of some excuse that could explain why they have to go separate ways this afternoon, but Asuka interrupts with a helping hand.
"Idiot! You, me and The Princess have a stupid control test now, before Unit 03 comes from the USA." She stands next to them, impatiently tapping her foot against the floor.
"Ah, I forgot…"
"Why I’m not surprised." She looks down at Kaworu, eyes glimmering, but not really meeting his gaze. He noticed he has this effect on most people. "Don’t screw up tomorrow, the Fourth Child." Then Asuka simply turns back, to walk out from the class. Ayanami has left already.
Shinji sighs, it sounds like a mix of embarrassment and amusement. “Well, so I have to go, but if…”
"Oh, for God’s sake, he will be able to get home on his own, don’t you think?" Asuka leans over the doorframe, shaking her head. "Are you going? We’ll be late again because of you."
"That’s fine, go." Kaworu gets up from his chair, stretching the numb back. "I will manage."
"Okay. See you home." Shinji gives him another small smile and follows to the door, saying to Asuka, "Actually, the last time we were late was because of you…"
"Oh, you’re pushing it all on me now? I see. What about…"
Kaworu still hears their voices — well, hers mostly — for a next moment. And he can’t believe how good this loop feels. How lucky he is.
Don’t screw up. He won’t. He can’t. Not this time.
...
"Dammit."
The word sounds strange in his mouth, but it brings a very small relief. So he can’t help, but repeat.
"Dammit, dammit, dammit!"
Kaworu crawls into his room through the window in the faint light of an early evening; he is too tired to levitate. Blood is still soaking through the sleeves of his shirt, even though the process of healing is almost completed. He almost stumbles over the fitting carpet.
Shinji and Misato aren’t home yet, so he makes his way to the bathroom. It feels hard to move legs, to keep standing, to breathe. He opens the tap and lets the cold water to wash his blooded, slightly bruised hands. After a moment, he actually splashes his face with water. It still feels numb.
When he looks in the mirror, it’s like the being in the mirror looks back. And it’s angry.
He spent a few hours alongside Unit 03, as it was getting closer to Japan. Nothing was happening, not even a glimpse of Bardiel’s presence. After all, Kaworu started to doubt if it was going to appear that way in this loop. His showing up here was a twist, something not ought to happen. Maybe Bardiel took this into consideration. What if Kaworu wasn’t the only one to mess with the order of events?
And when he realized his mistake, it was too late.
Just then, Kaworu thought he never knew how exactly the Angel possessed Unit 03. The shadow felt upon his fixated face. A cloud, nothing more, the weather was getting pretty heavy…
It was not a normal cloud.
He backed down, dropping off in the air and quickly weighing up the situation. Bardiel hung above the Eva; the black cloud of smoke reaching inside it, filling it, infecting it. Kaworu tried to stop him, clashing his power with Bardiel’s. If he had reacted earlier, he could have successed, but the Angel possessed most of Unit 03 already, making their strengths — their cores — a one.
Any effort was pointless then and when the shock wave rushed to Kaworu, he didn’t put an AT field strong enough on time. It hit him, causing him to drop down in the air over dozen feet. When he stabilized the falling, bleeding and woozy, only sign left of Bardiel’s presence were drifts of black smoke.
Kaworu is still standing, looking in the mirror. The only sound is running water. He looks as angry as he feels, but he also sees something else. Failure is written is his features.
Defeated once again, he failed as always. The one thing he had overlooked brought him to screw up.
"I’m going to die tomorrow."
He states a fact in shaken, rough voice. He can’t remember when — if — there was a loop in which he knew he’s going to fail even before the end came. This is the time, apparently.
Kaworu finally turns off the tap; his hands are shaking, fists closing and opening. He comes back into his room and takes off the shirt, putting the other one. After these simple yet very tiring actions, he just lies down on the carpet.
And he lies and stares at the ceiling. He blinks rarely.
After some undefined time, he hears the front door opening and closing, but he doesn’t move by an inch. It feels like he will snap if he does so.
The steps sound loud in the silence of apartment. Somebody passes next to his door and stops there.
"Kaworu-kun?"
He doesn’t want Shinji to see him now, in such state. Kaworu closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them again, slightly tilting his head to right, Shinji is sitting next to him, not very close, but close as for the distant person he is.
"I knocked, but you wouldn’t answer… Are you alright?" he asks, looking at him with subtle worry. His voice is quiet and soft.
It’s just plain painful and Kaworu almost covers his face with a hand, whispering, No, I’m not, not at all. But he forces a weak smile and says, “Just a little nervous before tomorrow, that’s all.”
"Huh." Shinji looks directly at his face and then looks away, though not as quickly as usual. "I wouldn’t say. You’re always so calm, so balanced."
"Am I?" No matter how many times he can hear it, it never not amazes him; the fact that Shinji sees him this way. As a cornerstone. But this time, it also scares him.
Kaworu swallows, trying to get rid of weight in his throat. “Well, that’s because I always try to look further in. Wherever is hope, there is peace as well, even if against everything.” He does believe in it. Just not tonight. But regardless of his current state, of the way it always ends, he knows Shinji needs assurance. Something to remember.
They are silent for a few more moments and just when Kaworu thinks he is fine, he is better -- he hears Shinji say, “So, uh, I will go, you should take some rest before tomorrow.”
But what is different, what is unexpected, what is so light that he almost thinks he imagined this -- Shinji touches his shoulder, as like he’s trying to reassure him. Kaworu tries to remember the last time it was Shinji who initiated the touch. He can’t. It happens so rarely with him, taking how backed out he is in his interactions with people, how physical contact is so much of a trouble, something uncomfortable. It feels different now, slightly different than usually and Kaworu --
Do I dare? he asks himself and feeling like a lunatic, he reaches out for Shinji’s hand as he is getting up, catching it and holding in a gentle way. (As desperate as he is right now, he knows that strong gestures do no good.) And very quietly, he pleads,
"Please don’t go."
Shinji seems confused -- by what more, the choice of words or the voice that spoke those words, Kaworu isn’t sure -- but he doesn’t leave. What more, he seems to blush in the late twilight and sits back on a mattress, saying, “Well, I suppose we can stay up a little longer. Are you sure you alright?”
It actually feels like he’s torn inside, all twisted and broken, but he answers, “I am now.”
He is still holding Shinji’s hand, tracing little circles on the inside of it, when he speaks up, “Tell me something more about your violin lessons. Why did you start learning?” Kaworu knows the story, he knows how, but not why.
"Well, I didn’t have a great talent or anything, but my teacher said I should start playing. I liked it. It actually helped me sometimes, to busy myself with something, but… I guess I never really stopped because nobody told me to, as well as I didn’t make any further progress.” Shinji leans back of his head against a wall. “It often seems to be the case.”
It’s small things like this that help Kaworu to get through every new but old loop, again and again. He learns something about Shinji with every time.
"Music is good." He can’t say how many times he spoke something along this line, every reincarnation, probably. "Not many things can bring as much as music." Almost unconsciously, he tangles his fingers with Shinji’s, says, "We should play piano sometime." It’s strange it occurs to him just this time. "All melodies sound good played on piano."
Shinji looks back at him and smiles and it’s beautiful and painful — Kaworu realizes it feels like his heart is about to burn through his chest, imploding and exploding at the same time. It feels so human, as he guesses. Shinji makes him feel human, makes him feel worth something — and sometimes it seems like Kaworu can return the favour, he can let Shinji see himself the way he sees him —
but in the end, it’s never enough, it doesn’t matter, because all he can bring to him is suffering, failure after failure; he just dies and wakes up to start over in another loop, leaving Shinji more fractured than before with every time. How trying to make someone happy can always result in harming them even more?
It makes him feel tired, sick, angry. This vicious circle is not something he wished for both of them. None of us gets the things we want, I should have known.
"And what’s that?" Shinji’s voice is hesitating, as he’s not sure if he should ask. "What you want?"
Just then Kaworu realizes he said the last thought out loud. The answer is on the tip of his tongue, but —
What is the answer, truly? Happiness for you. Can it be this simple? Happiness for you, with a silent hope I can find my place there as well. Can it be possible?
You. Everything that shapes you the way you are, good and bad. To accept the pain can be helped, but never erased. What was broken, can be repaired, but never without leaving a scar. To remain eternally captivated by you.
I just want to choose you every time and one day, I want you to choose me.
"I want… to feel like I belong. Somewhere." He’s slipping out tonight; miserably, selfishly, angrily. He knows it and yet, he cannot stop. "With someone." He doesn’t want to stop. "I don’t want to be a failure. I just want to be enough."
"You’re not a failure," Shinji protests. "You’re amazing. You… make people feel good around you. It’s rare." He blushes again, just like a few minutes earlier. "You’re enough for me, if it means something."
It means everything.
But by tomorrow, it will turn to dust and ashes anyway.
Is it how it has to be? For these words, this closeness he will have to start from nothing again? Small, precious moments of happiness, like drops in the ocean of death and suffering.
Kaworu feels like atoms building his body are about to collapse and disappear. Unwittingly, he clings to Shinji, putting his arms around his waist. If he asks him to let go, he will, but at this very moment, he just needs to feel him close, to touch him, to be with him.
At first, Shinji tenses under the touch, catching his breath with a surprise. But he doesn’t say anything and actually, after a moment, the tension from his body drops. Kaworu knows this kind of closeness is strange for Shinji and he admires him for embracing it. Admires him, but most of all, he’s simply grateful for not being pushed away.
Just as he thinks he should speak up — maybe tell something about the stars, it always greatly interests Shinji — something more happens. Shinji’s hands very smoothly ruffle through his hair and he puts his arms around him, so it’s just the two of them, half-sitting, half-lying, holding each other. At this point, all possible words leave Kaworu
He can’t believe he is lucky enough. Tomorrow, when it all ends, the world will punish him for this; he knows he will replay this evening in every goddamned loop he will end up in the future, both to haunt and hurt himself, but tonight, it doesn’t matter. Tonight is simple; it’s just him and Shinji in this fake city of moving blocks, enjoying while it lasts.
...
Sometimes Kaworu thinks that trying to change Shinji’s fate is just a selfish excuse, to be able to meet him again, to know him again, to fall in love with him again. It happens all over again and it never really does — every time, the feeling doesn’t go away; if only, it gets stronger.
In the moment he enters Unit 03, he makes sure of what he knew yesterday — he’s going to fail this time as well. Bardiel is sealed within Unit’s core and its presence is very strong, even in entry plug. Bardiel recognises him as well, Kaworu can tell that much. Maybe it’s why it goes out of control so quickly, revealing itself as an Angel possessing Unit 03 almost immediately.
As he is sitting in the plug, letting Bardiel to mess around — commander Ikari is quick to react, but he’s going to send other Evas just within a few moments — he thinks what to do now. There’s no good way out at this point; he just tries to think of the least painful one, for Shinji.
Kaworu knows very well what happens later, regardless of who is the pilot of Unit 03. Bardiel defeats Evas, leaving Unit 01 no choice other than to fight. Ikari always acts the same; he lets the Dummy Plug to take over and destroy the Angel as well as the pilot; all of it, with his son’s hands, when he can only watch, helpless.
He wants to spare that to Shinji, being used like this. He also wants to lessen the burden of killing a friend. So Kaworu knows what he ought to do, as Unit 03 defeats Rei and Asuka and he is surprised he hoped it could end any other way than this.
It takes him a moment to mentally reach out to Shinji in Eva 01’s plug. His confusion and hesitation overflows Kaworu when he calls out, “Shinji-kun.”
"Kaworu? I thought the communication with Unit 03 was broken." His voice sounds nervous, a little relieved. "You can’t emerge the plug, right? I think that maybe —"
"Shinji." He speaks with confidence and clarity he lacked in yesterday. Or at least, he hopes it sounds like this. "I do wanted to avoid this, believe me. However, as bizarre as it may sound to you now, Bardiel took over Eva, but there’s no need to save me, since I’m an Angel myself."
For a split second, there’s silence, and then Shinji answers in high voice, “Don’t be ridiculous, it’s —”
The rest of his words gets lost in the noise caused by the crush of both Evas. Kaworu hisses angrily as he feels the raise of Bardiel’s power. The Angel focuses on bringing down Unit 01; it reaches out with Unit 03’s arms like it’s about to tear the world apart.
"You need to fight!" Kaworu raises his voice, almost shouts this out.
"But you’re still inside!"
That voice brings him back in place. Kaworu creates an AT field between the Evas; this time, it’s strong enough to hold back Bardiel.
"What…?"
"I won’t be able to hold the field for too long." Kaworu lets out a sigh. From the inside of possessed Evangelion, there are not many things he can do. "NERV should receive two slightly different Angel patterns from inside of Unit 03. One is Bardiel’s, one is mine."
He knows that Shinji receives the confirmation just as he speaks. There are many things running through his mind — shock, feeling of betrayal, anger — but they lose to something simple and overwhelming. Feeling of injustice.
"Commander Ikari is ready to use Dummy Plug in Eva 01 at any moment and I’m sure that both of us wouldn’t like that to happen." (It feels like we’ve done this, not once, not twice, not always like this, but we’ve done this, can you feel it too?) "The only thing I can ask of you now is to kill Bardiel and therefore, me as well."
Dying not by Shinji’s hand, that’s something Kaworu fears with every loop about to end.
"But… it’s unfair." That voice breaks something in him every time. "What you told me… the things you did, the things we were supposed to do…"
"Ah." Kaworu leans down, drops of blood falling on the pilot seat in the plug. He got a nosebleed, no surprise; Bardiel is growing impatient. Wiping the blood away with his gloved hand, he has a smile on his lips, but it’s sad, it’s like, I’m sorry, this again. He regrets that Shinji can’t see him and just understand. "I apologize for the outcome, but it doesn’t make any of them less true."
Failing and dying is painful; sometimes, like yesterday, it’s too much, it drives him close to madness, almost breaks him to the point with no return. It’s not as painful as causing Shinji more suffering, like at this very moment. Still, it’s better than Shinji dying. As long as there is life, there is hope for better as well.
"I will drop my AT field now." The only things he hears now is Unit 03 cracking against the force shield and Shinji’s uneven breathing. "If you go right for the core, you can defeat it. Please, do this, with no hesitation."
"Kaworu-kun…"
"I know." Do I, really? He takes a breath. "Ready?"
He rather feels than hears a very silent sign of agreement. Just then he steps down the fight with Bardiel, feeling exhausted.
Almost always, in the last moments before dying, Kaworu finds the clearest kind of peace. Even now, as Evas clash against each other again, causing the whole inside to shake as in thunderstorms, he is still. He has done this all before and he will just try again. Simple as it is, he thinks when Eva 01 breaks 03’s neck to find a way to the core, I will make you happy one day. This is a promise I intend to keep.
(Again and again and all over —)