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Bodhi’s still shaking when the reach Yavin. It’s been a long day, for all of them. They’ve all lost something close to them: solitude, morals, family, home. It’s Bodhi’s luck of the draw that he lost his mind.
Not that he’s lost his mind. Not really. He can still function. He can still act and think and feel. He’s still alive. He’s just broken.
His mind feels foggy; like how the sky over Jedha looks sometimes with the fumes of the cargo ships on wet days. Those were the rare days when it looked like that but now it’ll never look like that again. Bodhi doesn’t know if that’s a bad thing. Not the destruction of Jedha - he knows that’s a catastrophic tragedy - but that the Empire will no longer be able to poison that city again.
They’ll probably try to inject their poison elsewhere instead.
Gods, his head hurts.
He wants to lie down, find a dark corner and curl up until his headache either passes or kills him. He can’t though. He has to tell them what he knows. He’ll need to tell them about what he has seen today, about the Imperial movements, about him. He’s going to have to tell them about Galen.
Bodhi wonders if they’ll care he’s dead.
Bodhi wonders if they’ll care that Galen saved them.
Bodhi wonders if they’ll believe him. He supposes they’ve got Jyn’s word as well as his but they probably trust her as much as they trust him.
Cassian saw Galen’s death. Bodhi wonders is Cassian will defend them.
Cassian was meant to kill Galen.
He didn’t though.
Bodhi’s head hurts and he just wants to sleep.
Baze and Chirrut seem like good men, probably are the best of men from what Bodhi can sense. K2 seems decent, especially for a droid. And if Jyn is as great as her father promised than she sure must be something.
But Cassian is harder to read.
Admittedly, Bodhi is exhausted not just physically but mentally and he’s frankly astounded that he’s standing on his two feet right now. He’s not in the best condition to be doing anything except sleeping, let alone trying to understand how the mind of this man he’s barely met works.
He wants to understand though. His head might hurt less if it wasn’t so focused on CassianCassianCassian. It’s been going round his head like a mantra since they left Eadu, constant like the pounding of the rain.
It’s not helping his headache.
It’s probably the cause of his headache.
Maybe it’s the lack of adrenaline that had been fuelling him since their escape from Jedha. Maybe that’s why his head hadn’t been pounding so badly then. Maybe that’s why he could manage.
Maybe he should stop kidding himself.
He could ask Cassian but why would he do that? There were hundreds of reasons why that was a Bad Idea not least all the people that stood both literally and metaphorically between them.
Including the questioning he was about to go through. He just hoped it would be more forgiving than the last one. There was no guarantee that his pounding headache wouldn’t make this one nearly as bad.
He just needed to focus.
Foot, foot. Step, step, step. One leg in front of the other. Go where they needed him to go. Sit. Talk until his tongue was too tired to form any more words. Then find a dark corner and sleep.
All he had to do was focus on going through the actions.
It went pretty much how he’d expected it to go, if not better. They kept their questions to a minimum. Maybe they could feel the exhaustion rolling off him in waves. Or maybe they were saving a more in-depth interrogation for later.
Either way they let him go a lot earlier than he thought they would.
They let him go with a curt nod and tell him they’ll call for him soon so not to go wandering off.
It’s a godsend.
Bodhi stumbles back out of the room on legs that are ready to cave. His head is pounding a demand for hydration as his eyelids beg for sleep.
He’s trying to think where he can go to sleep where no one will notice or care when someone grabs him by his shoulders. Immediately he’s on high alert, fear kicking in despite his exhaustion.
“Ssh,” the voice comes from behind him and yet Bodhi relaxes instinctively. “It’s just me.” Cassian’s voice is low, soothing and Bodhi is trying his utmost not to melt into his solid body. “I know a place where you can sleep.”
And oh. Yes, Bodhi is dead on his feet but there are others who must be like him too. Jyn, for one. But Cassian is here, guiding him through corridors and further and further into the base.
His head is still a drum beat that calls for the man that is guiding him down unfamiliar halls. Cassian’s hold on him is firm and steady and it’s keeping him upright. Bodhi thinks Cassian’s thumb is stroking his shoulder but he could be making it up.
He is very tired.
Blearily he notices a door opening and then he’s being pushed into a dark room. The door closes behind them and they’re in darkness.
“Bodhi, stay awake for just a minute, okay?” Cassian is a comfort but there’s a soft order underlying his words that makes Bodhi force his eyes open. “Do you want a light on?”
Bodhi doesn’t register nodding but he must have done something because a soft orange glow is illuminating the tiny room. It is tiny, scarcely more than a single cot but right now all Bodhi cares about is the damn bed and how fast he can get there.
Cassian steps in front of Bodhi and Bodhi is too tired to figure out the look on Cassian’s face. He’ll just add it to the list of things he doesn’t understand about Cassian.
Cassian reaches out to catch the strays of Bodhi’s hair and tugs them back behind his ears.
Bodhi blinks. It’s all he can do. He thinks his poor mind has finally given in because there’s no way this is happening. Cassian just made his brain short circuit and all Cassian has to show for it is the sleepy smile he’s giving Bodhi right.
His headache is one continuous scream now: a long drawn out cry that feels like Cassian’s name.
“Jacket off,” Cassian says and he is standing way too close to Bodhi right now to making orders like that. Even when they’re said softly, almost whispered into the silence of the room.
When Bodhi doesn’t comply Cassian moves to do it, worms his hands in between Bodhi and the jacket as he takes Bodhi’s jacket and slides it off his back and pulls it off each arm in turn until it falls onto the floor with a soft thud.
If Bodhi was more awake then he’s sure he would have a lot more feelings about Cassian undressing him in a dark room they snuck off to. As it is he can barely focus on the moment, let along a fantasy,
He’ll add it to his Cassian thoughts.
Those thoughts are rapidly collecting and becoming more confusing, especially as Cassian takes Bodhi’s hand and leads him to the cot. He makes Bodhi sit and then he pulls one boot off then the other before pushing Bodhi’s legs back up and encourages him to lie down.
It’s not the bed that makes it seem wrong. It’s not the overall aching or the Resistance base that makes him hesitate in putting his head down.
It’s the utter confusion when Cassian begins to pull back.
“Stay.” It’s the first thing Bodhi has said to Cassian in hours.
Cassian looks at Bodhi, some emotion crossing his face that Bodhi can’t identify because of the shadows.
Then Cassian moves away.
Bodhi tries to watch him go, tries to understand but the dark masks both tasks. He turns his head slightly to get more comfortable when Cassian is back, cradling Bodhi’s face and guiding his lips to water.
“Drink this then sleep. I’m sorry I forgot.”
Bodhi drains the cup, Cassian’s gentle force making sure he drinks it all. Once it’s empty Cassian doesn’t move straight away but cards his fingers through Bodhi’s hair. Bodhi recognises in some far away part of his brain that his hair must be a mess but it still feels nice. It feels very nice and he is disappointed when Cassian moves away, even if it is just to take his own boots and jacket off.
Then Cassian’s back and he’s moving Bodhi over gently, so gently as if he’s afraid to jostle him. He’s tucking Bodhi in gently, dragging a blanket up over them both. It’s a tiny cot and they barely fit but Cassian is making it work.
Bodhi wants him to stay so he’ll stay. He needs to sleep too. Cassian curls his body around Bodhi’s as if he can somehow protect them both while they sleep.
As he tucks his head over Bodhi’s shoulder he remembers that he doesn’t know Bodhi and Bodhi doesn’t know him. But, as Bodhi ends up holding Cassian’s hands from where they’re holding his tight, Cassian realises that it really doesn’t matter.