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They're sitting at their dining room table and Philip smiles over at Lukas, picking another piece of pepperoni off his slice of pizza.
"Why're you still wearing long sleeves?" Philip asks, narrowing his eyes. "It's hot in here."
Lukas has had a sort of quiet contentment on his face since he got home late this afternoon and he just smiles, shaking his head.
"How are you not hot?" Philip asks. "I'm hot."
"Yeah you are," Lukas says, grinning at him.
Philip laughs, shaking his head. "What's up with you? You meet some new cute guy at that group project thing? You getting ready to tell me you're leaving?"
Lukas scoffs. "As if," he says.
Philip knows it's the most impossible thing, which is why it's so easy to joke about it. "So why are you acting like you're staring at something beautiful?"
"Well, I am," Lukas says, gesturing towards him. He grins when Philip sits back in his seat, clicking his tongue. "Angel face, you walked into that one."
Philip hums to himself, taking another bite of his pizza.
"Can I tell you something I've never told you before?" Lukas asks, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table.
Philip's interest is sufficiently piqued. "Yeah," he says slowly, trying to wrack his brain. He can't imagine something he doesn't know. They've delved into topics that he thought he'd never find out about Lukas, including almost everything he remembers about his mom.
Lukas moves to sit in the chair right next to Philip and Philip gets a little scared, because he seems so serious. But then Lukas smiles. "Remember after everything happened, they were keeping us in the same hospital room? Because we wouldn't allow it any other way and Helen threw a fit to make it happen?"
"Of course I remember," Philip says, though diving into the memory is a little difficult. That whole time is drowned in sorrow, in pain, despite his relationship with Lukas officially solidifying.
"Well, I know we both had a hard time sleeping," Lukas says, looking down at his hands. "Every time I closed my eyes I saw that asshole's face. I saw him knocking you out, saw him coming at me..." Philip nods and Lukas trails off a little bit, swallowing hard. "Well, I had this thing that I did, for a little while."
"What was it?" Philip asks, trying to figure it out before Lukas says it.
"I'd, uh...watch your heartbeat," Lukas says. He flushes a little bit but his mouth tugs up at the corner. "It was only the first two days they were keeping track of it, but that whole first day I'd stare at the lines on the machine and it....it calmed me," he says.
Philip stares at him, his own throat going tight.
"And I know things were....were so bad, they were awful, and you were constantly on the edge of your seat and just...." He doesn't go any farther, only reaches out and takes Philip's hand, holding it against his knee. "That second night, I couldn't sleep. And do you remember what you asked me, before you drifted off?"
Philip swallows, shifting a little closer towards him. "To, uh...to hold my hand."
Philip remembers. He'd found out about his mom the day before and Lukas's words barely touch what he was actually feeling. He felt like he was dying, felt like the whole world was crumbling underneath him, and he knew the doctors were legitimately worried he was going to have a heart attack, which was half the reason why they were monitoring his heart to begin with. His chest ached throughout the day and he could barely deal with her loss, couldn't function properly knowing she wasn't in the world anymore. The only thing that truly grounded him was Lukas's presence, Lukas's touch. Helen helped them push their beds a little closer on that second night, and before Philip tried to fall asleep he'd asked Lukas to hold his hand. Lukas hadn't hesitated before taking it.
He'd slept so much easier that night.
"I remember," Philip says.
"I didn't sleep that night," Lukas says, and that's the first Philip has heard of this. "Every time I closed my eyes it just...well, it didn't work out. So I watched your heartbeat on the monitor. And it was so slow and calm, so much better than the day before. I was transfixed by it, I couldn't stop staring at it. I took a picture of it with my phone, I maneuvered around like an idiot because I didn't want to let go of your hand but I finally got it," he says, laughing a little bit, and Philip smiles. "It just made me feel....so good to see your heart beating like that. To know that it meant that you were alive. Alive and safe and with me."
Philip's eyes are burning. "I love you, babe," he says, because it's all he's thinking, over and over.
"Love you too," Lukas says, squeezing his hand. "I uh, barely remembered that until recently. It was the other day, when I was laying on top of you on the couch and you fell asleep during Brooklyn 99—"
Philip snorts, shaking his head. "You're never gonna let me live that down."
Lukas grins. "No, no," he says. "I zoned out after a bit because I was tired too. We need to rewatch those ones."
"Yes," Philip says.
"But I was, uh—listening to your heart," Lukas says, chewing on his lower lip. "And I remembered. And then I uh, had...an idea."
Philip cocks his head. "An idea?" he asks.
A wide grin spreads across Lukas's face and he lets go of Philip's hand. He slowly, but surely, pushes up the sleeve on his right arm. He turns his arm over and then Philip sees it. Right there on Lukas’s wrist. And Philip feels like he's been punched in the fucking gut.
It's a heartbeat line, and Philip’s own name, tattooed onto Lukas's wrist.
"I didn't have any group project meeting," Lukas says, soft. "That's next Thursday. I, uh—went to that tattoo place in Williamsburg. Showed the guy the picture I took in the hospital of your heart monitor. So he could get the lines exactly right."
Philip can hardly breathe.
Lukas leans in, touching Philip's cheek with his other hand. "I'm so glad you're alive. You’re a miracle. Philip, you're...you're everything to me. The whole world. You're the most gorgeous fucking perfect thing I've ever known, inside and out. And every time I'm steps away from you I just wanna feel your heartbeat. It's the most soothing thing in the world to me. Knowing you're alive. Alive and safe and with me. So that's why I, uh....got this tattoo. Because you're amazing and my favorite and the all-time best thing that has and will ever happen to me." He blows out a breath and smiles, brushes his thumb across Philip's cheek.
Philip's heartbeat isn't as calm now as it is on the tattoo. A few tears fall and Philip reaches up, pressing a hand over his mouth. He muffles a laugh that comes out more like a sob, and he just. Cannot. Believe this. He can't find words and he's just staring down at his own name on Lukas's wrist and his fucking heartbeat line and he just can't think, can't think.
Lukas presses his lips to Philip's cheek and it's the sweetest, sugary kiss Philip has ever experienced. "Do you like it?" Lukas asks.
Philip nods and he half sobs again, more tears tracking down his face. Lukas wipes them away and kisses his fingers. Philip pulls his hand away and kisses him on the mouth, climbing into his lap and barely thinking about whether the dining room chair can support their weight. Lukas yelps a little, surprised, but quickly recovers and wraps his arms around him.
Philip kisses Lukas over and over and just can't deal with this. It's such a huge gesture and he never thought something like this could ever, ever happen for him. It means so much and he feels like he's gonna goddamn pass out.
Lukas laughs, holding him around his waist. "I guess you like it?" he asks.
"Yes," Philip says, his voice breaking. “I love it. I love it.” He keeps kissing him and they both hum into each other's mouths, clutching at each other, and Philip feels wild with love for him. Absolutely drowning in how fucking much he loves him, and his chest aches and his throat is closing under his emotion but God, Lukas Waldenbeck is the best thing, the most wonderful thing, the sweetest, most devoted, kindhearted human being on the planet.
"You're so romantic," Philip gasps, kissing Lukas's lips, their tongues briefly darting out and sliding together. "So tender, so romantic—"
"Only for you, baby," Lukas says, sucking on Philip's lower lip. "I love you so much. I love you so goddamn much."
"I love you," Philip says, desperately. He shifts back a little bit, bracing his hands on Lukas's shoulders. "Lemme see it."
Lukas laughs a little bit and Jesus Christ, everything seems amplified about him right now. His laugh is so sexy. His smile is so beautiful. He draws his right hand forward and holds it between them.
The tattoo is so nice. So well done. The font his name is written in is such a nice font. Philip just about wants to die when he looks at it. His name tattooed on Lukas's skin. His heartbeat tattooed there. Philip wants to scream and his eyes fill with tears again.
"God," he breathes, shaking his head. He takes Lukas’s hand in his own and brings it up to his mouth, pressing his lips to Lukas's wrist right where the tattoo is. He kisses it twice over, and feels Lukas's pulse speed up right there under his mouth.
"You're so fucking beautiful, Philip," Lukas breathes, watching him.
Philip kisses him again. "I'm gonna get one too," he says, resolved to it. “A matching one for you, in the same place.”
"It hurt a lot, babe," Lukas says. "I don't want you to deal with that."
"Too bad," Philip says, kissing it one more time before straightening back up and looking him in the eye. "Just got to get an EKG done and then we're golden."
"You sure?" Lukas asks, smiling at him.
"Yeah," Philip says, touching his neck as Lukas wraps both arms around him again.
"Guess we're gonna have a clinic date," Lukas says, laughing.
"Guess so," Philip says, leaning in to kiss him again. He kisses down his neck and buries his face there, hugging him close. "You're my favorite. You are the absolute best."
"I love you more than anything," Lukas whispers, rubbing Philip's back, and nothing soothes him more than Lukas's hands. "You know that, right?"
"Babe, if someone erased my memory, that would be the only thing that would hold on," Philip says. Lukas laughs a little bit and holds him tighter. "I love you," Philip whispers. "I just...I just love you." He presses his fingers against Lukas's neck, feeling his pulse there. He smiles to himself, counting off the beats.