Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

before.

One of the most significant moments of Isak’s life, at least according to Isak himself, is the one where he meets Even.

It happens on a warm summer day when Isak is five years old. He’s so bored, but mamma and pappa are not paying attention to him, too busy cutting up vegetables for dinner or reading an endless amount of words on the computer, so Isak tries to come up with something fun he can do by himself, but nothing works.

He draws a picture but it looks nothing like the elephant he wants it to look like so he grumpily crumples it up into a ball and throws it, along with some crayons for good measure, onto the floor. He builds a tower with his new magnetic blocks but when he’s about to put one of the red blocks on the top he’s not careful enough, and the whole thing falls apart and ends up in a pile on the floor. He wants to take his favourite race car out to the backyard and make it go down the ramp his dad and him built last week, but no matter how hard he looks he can’t find it anywhere.

Eventually he decides to asks his parents if he can help them with what they're doing, just to have something to do, but pappa says he could hurt himself on the knife and mamma says he’s too young to help her with her work, but thanks honey.

He’s just about to decide what other means he could use to get their attention (screaming? Crying? Throwing things?) when mamma saves him the trouble by folding up her laptop and saying “Actually, you know what, Isak? I’m done working for now, so let’s go to the park before dinner is ready.”

They go to Isak’s favourite park, the one that is a few blocks away and has a big slide and one of those climbing structures that look like a spiderweb. The sun is still shining brightly and it’s hot enough that mamma forces some sunscreen onto his skin while he wriggles in her grasp in an attempt to get away from the uncomfortable situation.

After the torture with the sunscreen, he spends the first ten minutes or so running up the steps and then going down the slide, and then climbs all the way to the top of the spiderweb, all by himself. All that moving around quickly makes him feel too hot, though, so he decides to make his way to the sandbox to take it easy for a while.

Isak is sitting there, plastic shovel in one hand as he fills up a bucket with sand to make a cake, when it happens.

One word that changes his life.

“Halla!”

+

(It’s just the first, just the start. Thousands -- maybe even millions -- more are waiting for him on the horizon.)

+

The fall after Isak turns six, he starts school. It’s big and scary and everything is new -- the building, the teachers, his classmates, the nervousness that takes over his body.

His teacher has made small signs with all the kids’ names on, and stuck them on the back of the chairs. Isak finds his to the left of one that says ‘Jonas’, and the next thing he knows, a boy sits down by his side. A boy that later gives Isak part of his snack (because mamma forgot to pack one for him) and asks Isak about his favourite tv-show.

School might not be so bad after all.

A few days later, it gets even better, because he meets Even in the schoolyard. He’s accompanied by two other boys, though, -- probably from his class -- and Isak feels small and insignificant standing there with them. Why would Even care about him when he has other friends who are the same age as him and, without a doubt, much cooler than Isak?

But then Even introduces him as “Isak. He’s my best friend,” and Isak lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Because even though his classmates are okay -- and Jonas might actually be more than just okay -- hearing Even say those words is such a relief.

+

They ride their bikes everywhere as soon as their parents deem them to be old enough to go by themselves.

The go to all the playgrounds they can find, including the one where they met. Spending hour after hour on the swings and on the slide and climbing and running and laughing.

They go to a forest where the trees are standing too close together to be natural. They pedal fast and jump high over piles of dirt, zig zag between the trees and race to see who can do it the fastest, scare a few birds with all the noise they make.

They go to a hill that rises up high next to their school, and from the top of it you can see all the way to both of their houses. They ride their bikes down the steepest side and Isak’s knees turn green from grass stains when he falls but Even is there with an outreached hand to help him up and a promise of cookies when they get back home.

They go to the store and spend too much of their pocket money on candy and soda, which they then consume on a bench right outside the entrance. On the way home their brains are full of sugar and everything seems hilarious, and Isak is giggling so much at a not-actually-funny joke Even made that he almost crashes into a bush.

But the time Isak likes the most is when they go to the field where the grass is so long it almost tickles their elbows when they lead their bikes over it. There is a stream that tears the field in two, starting somewhere in the middle of all the grass and stretching out all the way to the road by one of the sides. The water flows leisurely, coming out of a big concrete pipe that leads it from the opposite side and under part of the field. Isak sits on the pipe, his feet dangling over the water that glimmers in the sunset, and watches Even as he walks right next to the stream looking for frogs or rocks or anything else he considers exciting. Every now and then Even gets too focused on his search and accidentally steps in the water, letting out more imaginative curse words every time.

After a while Even shouts “Yes!” and bends down to pick something up from the ground, before running back over to Isak, almost slipping on the wet grass by the stream at least twice. Even stops as soon as he’s by Isak’s side, grinning widely and breathing just a little too heavily, and then shows Isak the object that’s clutched tightly in his left hand.

It’s a rock, but not just any kind of rock. It’s quite big, stretching over Even’s palm almost all the way to his fingertips, and -- believe it or not -- it actually looks like a heart. Sure, the lines are sharp and uneven, but there’s no doubt - it’s a heart. And to make things even more unbelievable, the rock has a faintly pink color, although with a few streaks of dark grey here and there.

Isak usually likes rocks, has a collection in one of the drawers of his desk, but this. This is something else entirely.

“How cool is this?!”

Isak can’t find any words, so he settles on repeating Even’s. “So cool.”

“We should hide it somewhere,” Even says, looking at Isak excitedly.

Isak frowns. “Why?”

“Like a secret. Our secret.”

“Okay. Where?”

Even looks around for a moment, searching for a good place to hide it, before turning back with a pout. “I don’t know.”

“What about right here? By the pipe?” Isak suggests. “Then it’s easy to find again.”

“You’re so smart, Isak!” Even exclaims, crouching down to find a perfect spot to put the rock in, somewhere they can get it without any trouble, while it at the same time is well-hidden enough that someone else won’t take it. Isak watches him as he struggles to push the rock under the side of the pipe and then lifting some bigger rocks to put over it. And it ends up looking pretty good. If you didn’t know something was hidden there, you wouldn’t suspect anything.

They leave soon after that. Make their way back to their bikes, back through the long grass, back all the way home. Isak is eight now, and even though this moment means so much to him, by the time he’s nine he’s forgotten all about it.

+

Mamma and pappa fight a lot.

Isak can hear them when they think he's asleep. Raised voices, harsh words, quiet sobs, doors slamming.

A family breaking apart.

+

Even goes to Egypt for a week right before his eleventh birthday and it’s one of the most boring weeks of Isak’s life.

Sure, he hangs out with Jonas and Mahdi and Magnus, but it’s not the same.

The day after Even comes back he walks up to Isak in the schoolyard -- tanned skin, bright smile and a bounce in his step from excitement -- and holds out his hand, fist closed and eyebrows raised in anticipation.

“I have something for you.”

Isak frowns, not really understanding what Even could possibly want to give him that’s also small enough to fit in his hand, but he puts his own hand under Even’s anyway, and a few seconds later he feels something land in his palm.

It’s three rocks, each maybe two or three centimeters at the widest part. As soon as he’s handed over the rocks Even starts telling him all about this beach they went to that was “so cool, Isak! There were so many rocks in like, every color in the world! And the beach was so big you couldn’t even see the end of it!”

When Isak asks him why he’s brought these rocks back all this way, just to give to him, Even simply smiles and says “Because you like rocks.”

As soon as he gets home, Isak puts them in a row on the windowsill in his room.

One black, one white.

And one a swirling mix of blue that reminds Isak of Even’s eyes.

+

“Yes! Jonas, you’re out!”

Jonas just sighs heavily, disappointed, before making his way over to sit down next to Magnus on the bench.

Isak’s backyard is entirely too small to be playing soccer in, but that’s not going to stop them. They’re doing penalty kicks, the goal placed by the hedge that separates Isak’s garden from the one of his number one enemy - his idiot neighbour, also known as ‘the Hawk’. The name had been given to him by the boys a few years back because of his ability to see everything, no matter how small or insignificant it is. It’s seriously scary how good his eyesight is. Or maybe it has less to do with eyesight and more to do with the fact that he has something against Isak, and therefore watches his every move. Either way - Isak’s life would be much better if he didn’t exist.

“Okay, Isak. Your turn.”

Isak catches the ball Mahdi kicks over to him, and places it by the invisible line they had decided to use as their kickoff point. Even is in the goal, watching Isak’s every move to prepare for his shot, and now that Jonas is out, the fight for gold is between Isak and Mahdi.

Isak adjusts the ball and then takes a few steps back. He plans on aiming for somewhere on the left, since that’s Even’s weak side - one of the perks of knowing the goalkeeper for over five years. He takes a deep breath and then makes the shot. The only problem is that he’s miscalculated the angle of his foot, badly, and the ball flies over the hedge instead of towards the goal, landing in the garden of his stupid neighbour.

(But hey, it went on the left, so at least he got the side right.)

Isak groans, covering his face with his hands in frustration, making the sound slightly muffled. “Faen!”

Jonas laughs at him as he says “Well, it was nice knowing you, Isak.”

“No way I’m going there, he’s gonna kill me.”

“He’s not gonna kill you, jeez,” Mahdi says, and Isak envies his ability to be completely chill right now.

“You don’t even know him! He hates me, and he’s just waiting for me to fuck up so he can catch me red-handed,” Isak complains. “Can anyone of you do it?”

He’s not begging, okay. He’s not.

The boys all avoid his eyes, looking at each other or the ground or anywhere else, apparently not so keen on doing it either.

“Pleeeease.”

And fine, maybe he is begging now. But honestly, he would do pretty much anything if it means he doesn’t have to be the one to go over there. He might be exaggerating a little bit about the whole “he’s gonna kill me”-thing, but that doesn’t mean it would be a pleasant experience. It would in fact be the complete opposite of pleasant.

There’s another moment of silence before Even lets out a heavy sigh.

“Fine, I’ll go.”

The minute and a half it takes for Even to get there and back drag out painfully slow, and Isak’s brain starts thinking up the most unreasonable scenarios it can come up with. Even getting caught, being held hostage in the attic, getting arrested for trespassing, and even though he knows that’s not going to happen, he also wouldn’t put it past his neighbour.

“Look, he’s still alive!” Jonas says mockingly, obviously making fun of Isak’s previous comment. Isak just ignores him.

“Are you okay?”

“Well, I’m still in one piece,” Even says with a smirk, using the hand that isn't holding the ball to gesture up and down his body for emphasis.

Isak rolls his eyes. “But did you see him?”

“Nope. The car was gone so I don’t even think he’s home,” Even tells them as he throws the ball back to Isak.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Even says, and then he smirks again before continuing. “I hope you enjoy these few more days of life before your next inevitable meeting with the Hawk.”

Isak throws the ball in his face.

+

They spend countless afternoons on the couch in Isak’s living room, playing game after game on his xbox. For every new game Isak starts up, Even says he’s never played it before, but he still somehow always ends up winning.

He says it’s just beginners luck. Isak is almost completely sure he’s lying.

It doesn’t matter.

+

Isak is exhausted, and the beds at Ikea look really comfortable. If he lies down in one of them he has no doubts that he would fall asleep within seconds.

He and Even have been up the entire night. Not because they were doing anything special, because they hadn’t really done anything at all, but because Even wanted to see if Isak could do it. Which he could; it’s just after 10 in the morning and he’s been awake for almost twenty-five hours now.

The reason they’re here right now is because Even had found 50 kroner earlier that night and decided he wanted to have some of Ikea’s ice cream for breakfast. And since he had said that he would buy some for Isak too, Isak had tagged along. Despite the fact that he would rather have gone straight to bed.

Breakfast eaten the first thing they did -- Even had somehow managed to finish three ice creams before Isak even had time to start on his second one --, they are now in the bedroom area of the store, which Isak is really starting to regret. It’s like walking into a grocery store when you're hungry, you know the temptation will be too much and you're going to give in and buy way more food than you usually would. Or in this case: lie down on a bed, just for one minute, okay?

Even, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have any problems with being here. Quite the opposite, actually. By the looks of it he’s having the time of his life, already having tried five different beds and now going for the sixth. Isak watches him, amused, as Even bounces around slightly on the beds to try out the mattresses.

“Oi, you have to try this one!” Even exclaims suddenly. “I swear it’s the best bed I’ve ever been in!”

Isak tiredly walks over to the bed where Even is lying. Settling down beside him on the floral bedspread, Isak can’t help but let out a content sigh.

“Oh, faen,” he says, closing his eyes and relaxing into the soft mattress.

“Told you,” Even says smugly. He's probably smirking as well, although Isak can’t be sure since he’s too tired to open his eyes to check.

They lie there for a moment, surrounded by the noise of people walking by -- talking, laughing, arguing -- before Even gets up again.

“Okay, gotta try the rest of them. Maybe there’s an even better one.”

Isak still doesn't open his eyes, but he can hear Even moving to the bed next to the one Isak is currently considering just falling asleep in. It’s so tempting. The bed is so soft and Isak is so tired. How is he supposed to fight against this?

He doesn't know how much time has passed, but he’s pretty sure he’s only milliseconds away from sleeping when Even comes back. The bounce of the mattress as Even jumps onto the bed startles Isak out of his daze, making his eyes snap open.

“Turns out this is the best one,” Even tells Isak, who just hums tiredly in response before closing his eyes again.

It’s not even five seconds later before Even starts poking him in the side. "Are you falling asleep?"

"What do you think they would do if I did?" Isak asks, trying to swat Even’s hand away without having to open his eyes.

"Who?"

"The staff. Do you think they would wake me up right away or, like, let me sleep for a bit?"

"Well, I know what I would do."

"What?"

"Guess you'll have to wait and find out."

Isak snorts. "No, I already know. You wouldn’t even let me sleep in the first place. That’s why we're here right now, having this conversation"

"Hey, don't blame this on me. You're the one who wanted to prove you could stay up all night."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

It’s another couple of minutes of silence between them until Even speaks again, and by that time Isak is once more back to being almost asleep.

“Okay, let’s go."

“Can’t," Isak mumbles, sinking further into the soft bedding. "Sleeping.”

Even doesn't argue, so Isak makes the mistake of assuming he gave up. The next thing he knows he gets hit in the head by a pillow.

“For helvete, Even!” he exclaims, sitting up and glaring at the other boy by the side of the bed.

“Get up, sleeping beauty.”

"Did you really have to throw a pillow at me?!"

"Yes," Even says, smirking.

So Isak throws the pillow back at him, hitting Even square in the face.

About five minutes later -- during which at least a dozen pillows are thrown, and some stern words from a member of the staff are directed at them -- Isak gets up from the bed and they continue through the store, trying out the furniture as they go along. After a few shortcuts, skipping the boring parts, like textiles and rugs, they end up at the Self-Serve area. Even starts walking down towards the checkout, looking left and right down the aisles as he goes, seemingly looking for something. Isak is just about to ask what he’s doing when Even abruptly turns to walk down between shelves 17 and 19.

Somewhere about halfway down the aisle he stops and walks in between the packages of two kinds of BILLY bookcases, disappearing beneath the shelves.

“What’re you doing?” Isak asks when Even stops in the small space between the backs of shelves 17 and 15.

“What does it look like?” Even retorts while climbing up on some of the packages and heaving himself up on the first shelf. “Come on, get up.”

“Why?”

“Because why not?”

Isak hesitates for a minute, watching as Even climbs higher and higher up on the shelves. Then, looking up and down the aisle a few times to make sure the coast is clear, Isak ducks under the shelf and starts to follow Even. As he always does eventually.

He gets as far as the third level of shelves before he finds Even, who is sitting there, by the edge that's closest to the aisle, leaning against a stack of packages.

“Nice, huh?” Even asks, gesturing in front of him.

“I guess,” Isak mumbles distractedly, all his focus on not falling down.

Even rolls his eyes. “You gotta come closer to the edge so you can see something."

Isak reluctantly does as Even says, carefully moving closer to him. As he reaches Even he sits down next to him and takes in the view. It’s not really a lot to look at, pretty much the same things they would see from the floor, but the change of viewpoint still makes it feel more interesting. More exciting.

"Hey, watch this idiot."

Isak turns to where Even is pointing, down towards the floor, finding a man trying to lift one of the packages onto a cart but failing miserably. They watch him struggle for a while, making no progress whatsoever (unless you count dragging the package a few centimeters towards the aisle as progress, that is). He soon gives up and quickly walks out of the aisle, probably wanting to get out of there before anyone could see his failure.

Isak snorts at the display and Even starts laughing loudly enough that the man casts worried glances around himself as he exits the aisle.

When his laugh subsides, Even turns around and makes his way towards the back of the shelf again. “I’m just gonna go up one more, I’ll be right back.”

Isak hums and stays where he is, sitting on the shelf with one of his legs over the edge of it. He swings his foot back and forth for a while, looking out over the aisle and the thousands of boxes piled on top of each other on the other shelves.

Thousands of boxes containing millions of pieces.

There are times when Isak feels like that too. As if he consists of pieces that are just lying next to each other, contained in the same space but not connected. Pieces that are useless, don’t make sense by themselves. Pieces that are not yet put together to make something whole, something solid. Something real.

Lost in thought, he doesn’t notice Even coming back until he feels hands grabbing onto his waist and squeezing, making him almost jump, partly in surprise, and partly because of the way it tickles. If Even wasn’t holding onto him, he might have been lying on the floor by now.

“Faen!”

Even just laughs, and Isak hits him on his arm.

“Why would you do that?”

“I just couldn’t resist. You should’ve seen yourself. Hilarious!”

“Yes, ha-ha. Let’s go, I wanna go home and sleep,” Isak says, annoyed and really not in the mood right now.

“Fine, okay, grumpy. Let’s go home so you can get your beauty rest.”

Isak tries to hit him again but Even is too fast, dodging Isak’s fist and then starting to make his way down. Back on the floor again, Isak wastes no time in pushing Even, who just barely manages to stop himself before he crashes into a shelf. And then they take off running, chasing each other through the aisles and then out of the store.

+

The sun is on its way down, hanging low in the sky and making their shadows stretch on and on and on over the grass. They’re in the middle of a discussion about whether they should walk or take their bikes to the store (“I’m too tired to bike Even, it takes way more energy than walking”) when Even suddenly stops and just looks at him for a few seconds. Then he says it.

“You’re my best friend, you know. Always have been, always will be.”

And this is a moment lsak will remember forever.

The way Even’s head is backlit by the sun, making the edge of his hair look golden and his face almost hidden in the shadow. The fond smile and the happiness in Even’s eyes as he looks at him. And most of all, the warmth that spreads through Isak’s body because of those words.

Because even though he knew they were true before this, even though Even has said them to him countless times since they first met, hearing them being spoken out loud right now, in this moment, somehow makes it all so, so much better.

(And as if that wasn’t enough, Even lets him sit on the back of his bike all the way to the store and back.)

+

Even - 12:51: outside

Isak is on the couch when he gets the text, taking advantage of the empty house by playing xbox in the living room without anyone interrupting him with their negative comments.

(“You spend way too much time playing these games, Isak.”, “Why don’t you go hang out with your friends for real, Isak?”, “Go do something with your life, Isak.”

He is just so. tired.)

Reluctantly getting up from the couch, Isak walks over to the windows facing the street and pushes the curtains to the side. It’s quite dark outside for only being one in the afternoon, the gray clouds almost black where they block out any chance of the sun getting through, and Isak thinks it will probably start raining any minute now.

Despite the awful weather, he can feel a smile starting to form on his face when he spots Even standing right below the steps of his porch, staring impatiently up at the house. When he sees Isak in the window he raises his eyebrows and gives him a smile before gesturing vaguely with his hand towards the side of Isak’s house. Without waiting for a response, he starts walking in that direction and is soon out of Isak’s view.

After turning off the tv, Isak hurriedly puts on his shoes and then half-walks half-runs out the door and the short distance to his backyard. When he gets there he scans the surroundings but comes up empty, and he stands there confused for a moment before he sees that the door to the garage is ajar.

He makes his way over and finds Even inside, sitting on a bench with a can of beer in his hand, and a couple of unopened ones by his side.

“Halla,” Even says as Isak closes the door behind him, shutting out the noise of the outside world.

“Hei. What are you doing?”

"What does it look like?"

Isak frowns at him as he sits down on the bench. “You do know what time it is right? I mean, I know it's pretty dark but it's only one.”

Even shrugs and avoids Isak’s gaze. “I know. I was just… bored.”

“Okay,” Isak says, deciding to drop the conversation. If Even wants to talk about it, Isak knows he’ll do it when he’s ready, so there’s no point in pushing him. That doesn’t stop him from worrying, though.

"You want one?" Even asks, startling Isak out of his thoughts.

"Eh, sure."

He takes the can that Even holds out for him, feeling slightly nervous. He’s never tried beer before, but he doesn’t think Even knows this, and he doesn’t want to tell him either. Doesn’t want to bring up the fact that he’s still just thirteen while Even is fifteen and will start high school next year and probably get new friends who aren’t tiny little kids still stuck in elementary school. Doesn’t want Even to know that he feels a bit weird about drinking beer, doesn’t want him to think he’s uncool in any way.

He realises then that he's been sitting there for too long, doing nothing but holding the beer in his hand, and when he notices that Even is looking at him expectantly he opens the can. The last thought that flashes through his mind in the seconds it takes to bring the can to his lips to take a sip is that it’s probably a bit unusual to have your first taste of beer on a Monday.

(And in a fucking garage, of all places.)

He doesn't know what he had expected, really, but fuck. Why would anyone willingly drink this shit? The surprise he feels about the taste is apparently showing on his face, because Even takes one look at him and then starts laughing.

"Don't tell me you've never had beer before?" he says a moment later, still grinning.

Isak tries (and fails) to act cool. "What? No, of course I have!"

Even, unsurprisingly, sees right through him, and just raises an eyebrow while he waits for Isak to just give up on the lie. Which he does, embarrassingly fast.

"Okay, fine. I haven't."

"So… you don't like it?" Even smirks.

"It's okay," Isak shrugs, taking another sip and forcing himself to not let the disgust show on his face this time. But it’s Even though, so honestly, why does he even bother? If anyone knows how to read Isak, it’s him.

As expected, Even snorts. "Herregud, you're the worst liar ever!"

"Am not!”

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not! Remember last week when mamma asked if we knew what had happened to that creepy statue of an angel she had in the backyard that mysteriously just disappeared? And I told her that someone probably stole it, since it was such an amazing statue. Even though we broke it when we were hitting old apples with the baseball bat to try to get them over the hedge to the Hawk.”

“You mean you broke it.”

“Whatever. My point is, she totally believed me.”

“Okay, okay, fine, Isak ‘master liar’ Valtersen. I was wrong. You’re so good at lying, I’m always so impressed by you and your lies,” Even says, barely able to hold in his laughter. Isak just rolls his eyes.

“For real though,” he goes on. “You should win a prize. There should be some kind of prize for ‘best liar’, right? You would so win, like, no competition. Oooh, wait. Maybe we should call Guinness World Records? Like you could win ‘largest number of successful lies ever told by one person’ and then there would be a picture of you and everything.”

Isak pushes him hard enough that Even almost falls off the bench, but he just keeps laughing.

Isak joins him, despite trying his best not to, and when he starts it’s just really hard to stop. So they sit there for a while, laughing like two idiots at a joke that wasn’t even funny. As the laughter dies out, a silence takes over and it’s not really uncomfortable, but there’s something about it. Something that feels off, but Isak can’t put his finger on what it is.

He watches Even open the last can of beer and take a few gulps, sees the movement in his throat as he swallows. Sees the way his eyes are closed as he tips his head back slightly. And something is different, if only Isak could figure out what.

Deciding he can’t just sit here anymore, can’t just wait for an answer, he takes a deep breath. He needs to actually ask the question first. Make an effort.

A few more seconds of silence. Then he asks “Are you okay?”

Even looks up at him, surprised but quickly putting on his usual blinding smile, which only gets wider for every word he speaks.

“Yeah, I'm great. Even better now that you're here.”

Isak rolls his eyes at him, and is about to ask him again -- ask him to tell the truth please, I know something is wrong -- when another thought pushes its way to the front of his mind and out of his mouth.

“I just realised… shouldn't you be in school right now?”

“The real question is - shouldn't you?” Even retorts, his eyebrows raised high as he waits for Isak’s explanation.

And he actually has one. “Our math teacher was sick and they couldn't find anyone to step in,” he tells Even. “What's your excuse?”

Even looks down to the floor, and then back up at Isak. He smiles again, but this time it’s smaller. Softer.

“Missed you too much.”

Another eye roll. “Seriously, Even.”

“I am serious,” Even says and the bright smile is back, along with an attempt at a wink.

Isak frowns at him, confused even though there’s a slight smile on his face. Even changes the subject then, and Isak gets sucked in. And soon his worry is pushed further back, still there but just not as prominent as before. It’s okay. He’ll ask again later. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

+

The wall over Isak’s desk is full of drawings. Drawings made by seven-year-old Even and ten-year-old Even and fourteen-year-old Even and every Even in between. There are monsters and stars and houses and airplanes and cats and swirling patterns and dragons and circles and hamburgers and skateboards and hearts and everything else Even’s mind can come up with.

There is a huge variation of people -- old, young, big, skinny. Some realistic, some not. Most of them have curly hair sticking out from under a snapback that is turned backwards.

In addition to all the doodles, there are words. Everywhere. Filling every empty space. Lyrics from songs Even likes, quotes from his favourite movies. And Isak’s name, over and over and over.

+

“I’m bipolar.”

Even hasn’t talked to him in over two weeks, and this is the first thing he says when they see each other again. Isak doesn’t know what to say at first. He’s feeling confused and angry and sad and relieved, all at once, and he doesn’t know which one to focus on. Eventually he decides to start by asking Even to explain what it means, and Even does. He talks about having too much energy and being too happy, talks about feeling like he could do anything, and then about not leaving his bed for three days and being surrounded by darkness, inside and out. When he’s done, Isak keeps looking at him for a moment, then just says “Okay.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“I don’t know. I am. At myself.”

“Well, I’m not. At least not anymore. So stop that.”

Even then looks at him in that way that makes Isak unable to look back. With too much emotion for Isak to deal with. Then he makes it even worse by speaking.

“You’re just too good sometimes, you know that?”

“Shut up. I’m not even doing anything.”

“Yes, you are. You’re being amazing as always.”

A look of faked disgust, then: “Actually, I changed my mind. I am mad at you.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am. And to prove it I’m going to leave. Right now,” Isak says and turns around, intending to walk out of the room.

“Nooo, stop,” Even laughs as he wraps his arms around Isak from behind, squeezing him in a too-tight hug in an attempt to keep him where he is. Isak struggles half-heartedly to get out of his grip, but Even doesn’t let go.

As Isak stops moving, there is a moment of stillness, before the tight grip shifts into a desperate hug. Even’s breath is hitting his neck, his head against Isak’s, and his voice is so soft but the worry is still clear as day.

“Would you? Actually leave?”

A heart that beats too fast, and silence that is too loud. Then a whisper of a word, important and full of meaning.

“Nei.”

More silence, but shorter this time. Then he continues.

“I would never leave you.”

And it’s the truth.

+

“Have you ever been on the roof?”

Isak looks up from his phone for a moment to frown at Even in confusion. “Eh, nei? Why would I?”

“We should go up there,” Even says while staring wistfully at the roof of Isak’s house, completely ignoring his question.

“But why?”

“I don’t know,” Even shrugs. “To see the view or something.”

Isak snorts. “The view of what? My backyard?”

Even starts smiling at that and Isak has to take a moment to replay his words in his head because he doesn’t understand why Even would suddenly look so happy.

“‘The view of what? The view of down here? I can see that from down here,’” Even says, and Isak frowns at him again until Even says “What movie?” and Isak finally gets the reason for Even’s smile.

Such a nerd.

“Hva faen, Even. Enough with the movie references, you know I’m never gonna guess it anyway.”

“It’s In Bruges, Isak,” Even tells him with a sigh, as if that should have been obvious. “How have you not seen that one?”

Isak shrugs. “Have better things to do.”

“Okay, right. After we’re done climbing up on your roof, we’re gonna go inside and watch it.”

“We’re not gonna climb up on the roof!” Isak exclaims with determination, making it clear that this is his final say on the matter.

Which is why Isak finds himself on the roof less than ten minutes later. Because of course he does.

And as if just being on the roof wasn’t stupid enough, Even had actually decided to take it to the next level by jumping over to the roof of Isak’s next door neighbour, and is now trying to convince Isak to do the same thing.

There’s just one problem - Isak isn’t exactly keen on dying at fourteen.

“Come on!”

Isak tears his eyes away from the edge of the roof and looks up at Even in disbelief.

"It's not even far, don't be such a coward," Even adds with a smirk.

"Well, excuse me for not wanting to die!"

Even just rolls his eyes at him. "You’re not gonna die. You just have to jump like two meters."

The comment makes Isak switch his gaze from Even down to the space of open air that separates them, and then to the asphalt on the ground below. Fuck, not a good idea. It’s not that he’s afraid of heights, because he’s not. He would just... prefer being a bit closer to the ground. Or at least staying mostly still while he’s up here.

He suddenly feels rather unsteady, as if he’s seconds away from actually falling off the roof, so he takes a few short steps back and grabs onto the edge of the window they used when they climbed out here about five minutes earlier.

"Yeah, jump two meters or fall down three if I mess up,” Isak points out. “No big deal, right?”

"Hey, relax. I’m not gonna force you to do it. It’s just… it was kinda fun. And I thought you would have fun doing it too.”

Fun?! Isak rolls his eyes at him. Even’s definition of ‘fun’ is just slightly different than Isak’s. But still, Even wouldn’t ask him to do something too dangerous.

Probably.

Isak stays silent for a moment, contemplating if he should just jump and get it over with, even though he could end up seriously hurt, or turn around and get back inside the window.

"Fuck it, I'm not doing it," he decides eventually. His hand grips the window frame even tighter; he’ll probably be full of splinters by the time this whole thing is over.

"Okay."

It’s just one word. It shouldn’t make a difference, but somehow it does. He doesn’t know exactly what it is, but something in the way Even says it makes Isak change his mind. Maybe it’s the tone of his voice, like he doesn’t care one way or another even though Isak can hear the slight disappointment hidden in there. Or maybe it’s just because it’s Even, and, despite how much he sometimes hates it and how he wishes it wasn’t true, Isak would probably do anything he asked him to. Still, he can’t give in that easily.

"If I die, I'm gonna kill you," he threatens unconvincingly.

Even just laughs at him. "Yeah, okay, go ahead.”

Isak stands as far away from the edge of the roof as he can for a while longer, still holding onto the window with all he's got, taking a few deep breaths in an attempt to make himself relax. It doesn’t really work, but standing here any longer is only going to make it worse, so he decides to just do it.

On the silent count of three he pushes off the wall, runs the short distance to the edge of the roof, and then jumps.

He has to admit that it feels pretty nice, sort of like he’s flying. The wind runs through his hair and he feels… free. As if everything is possible. It’s over in just a few seconds, but it was kind of fun. That is, all the way up until the moment he lands, because then he somehow manages to trip on some bumpy part of the roof and almost falls face down the first thing he does. Fortunately, Even is there to catch him, fucking laughing while he does it.

As soon as Isak finds his balance again he pushes Even away and grumpily mutters "I hate you."

Even only keeps grinning at him. "Yeah, yeah. You wanna stop moping now so we can get back to business?"

"’Get back to business!?’ What business? I'm serious, Even. I'm never doing that again."

"Then how are you planning on getting down, genius?”

Fuck.

+

“They’re fighting again.”

“Come over.”

“But it’s almost eleven, it’s too late.”

“No, it’s not.”

Silence.

“Isak. Come over. I’ll meet you halfway.”

+

It’s dark. And cold. And wet. And despite the fact that the company is great (well, most of the time), Isak would rather be pretty much anywhere but here. He can’t even remember how they ended up here; what kind of actions had led them into this hell? Actually, that was a good question.

“Whose fucking idea was it for us to take the way through the forest?”

The three idiots in front of Isak completely ignore his question and just keep talking about some guy at school who had apparently fallen down some stairs. Mahdi tells the other two that it was “totally like that scene from Family Guy” and they all burst out laughing.

“Magnus said it’s like twenty minutes faster,” Even says from somewhere behind Isak, and honestly, he should have known this was all Magnus’ fault.

“What difference will twenty minutes make if we get killed? Who knows who could be hiding in here?” Isak says, jumping over a puddle of mud and in turn almost hitting his head on a low branch. He hits it in frustration and then barely has time to duck before it snaps back to its initial place.

Even laughs at him, and somehow his laugh sounds too loud and bright for the quiet darkness of the forest, even though their other friends are still laughing in front of them. Isak can’t help but smile at the sound. However, the smile quickly turns into a scowl a moment later when Even has the audacity to ask him if he’s scared of the dark.

“Scared of the dark?! Nei!”

“He totally is,” Jonas chimes in. And since when was he part of this conversation? Isak glares at the back of his head.

“No, I’m not!”

Jonas sighs, apparently not in the mood to argue with a stubborn, and absolutely-not-lying, Isak, and goes back to talking to Mahdi and Magnus instead. Isak glares at him, and the situation in general, some more, while trying to avoid falling over all the branches that for some reason cover the whole (barely there) path.

He’s having serious doubts about this way being the fastest. How could it be when he has to stop every five seconds to calculate the best way to get past the next obstacle without falling over or ruining his shoes or clothes in the process? It’s like a goddamn math problem where one tiny mistake can make a huge difference in the end.

And, fuck. These shoes are new.

He’s just about to curse Magnus and his absolutely stupid idea once more when Even taps him on the peak of his snapback, an annoying habit he’s picked up lately.

“What?” Isak asks, turning around to face him.

Even smirks and says, quietly enough that the other boys won’t hear him, “You can hold my hand if you want.”

“What?”

“You know, if you’re scared.”

Isak rolls his eyes and mutters a “Shut up,” before turning back around to keep walking.

Exactly eight seconds later his left foot gets stuck between two branches, making him trip and end up on his hands and knees in the dirt.

“Helvete!”

“Isak, are you okay back there?” Jonas asks, but he doesn’t even bother turning around to check, just keeps on walking like he’s on a stroll in the fucking park and not close to falling on his face every other second. What a friend.

“Yeah, I’m great,” Isak answers, making sure to add extra weight to the word ‘great’ just to show everyone how not great he is. “I fucking hate Magnus though.”

“I can hear you!”

“Good!” Isak calls back as he gets up from the ground, brushing the dirt off of himself as well as he can.

“So grumpy,” Even teases from behind him, and Isak just has to turn around and hit him in the shoulder.

The boys in the front start up a discussion about the newest version of Fifa and whether or not it's worth buying (it is), and Isak joins them, happy about the way it distracts him from their surroundings. And for a few minutes, everything is okay. Yes, the path is still covered in mud and branches, and yes, there might be a murderer hiding behind a tree somewhere in the darkness, but despite that he actually feels better now.

Up until he almost trips again.

Luckily, this time, Even manages to save him just in time by grabbing onto one of his arms and pulling him back up.

“Hey, eyes on the path.”

Isak sighs in frustration, gesturing to the ground in front of him. “That’s the problem though, isn’t it? I can’t even see the fucking path!”

Even gently squeezes his arm where he’s still holding it. “We’re almost out of the forest now, you can even see the street lamps over there.”

Isak looks up to where Even is pointing, and yeah, he’s right. The dull light from the street lamps shines through the trees some hundred meters or so ahead of them. It looks like the light at the end of the tunnel, almost literally is, and Isak would laugh at that but he just can’t find the energy.

He’s about to start walking again when he feels Even’s hand slip into his, cold fingers curling around his own in a firm grip. Isak stops, motionless for a moment due to this unexpected move, and then turns his head to look at Even, eyebrows raised in confusion.

“What are you doing?”

Even shrugs casually. “I just don’t want you to fall again.”

“Oh,” Isak breathes. He looks down at their hands for a moment, not really sure what to think of this situation.

He feels like his brain has shut down, not able to focus long enough on a thought for Isak to grab onto it. Can a brain actually shut down? Isak has a 6 in biology, for fucks sake, he should know about this. But, ironically, the situation prevents him from thinking about anything coherent at all.

Eventually, he shrugs back at Even with a simple “Okay,” before continuing up the path to follow their friends, their hands still grasped together as a link between them.

(They break apart before they reach the other boys, and Isak’s hand feels cold and empty, but it's okay.

It will be okay.)

+

It doesn’t happen overnight.

It’s not black and white. There is no big moment where the realisation hits him like a ton of bricks. His feelings don’t change from one day to the other.

It’s not like in the movies where you can pinpoint the exact moment it happens. It’s so, so much more complicated than that. But at the same time it’s the most simple thing he’s ever experienced.

The first time the thought appears in his mind, he feels like it’s always been there. As if it’s been floating just out of reach this whole time, but it’s not until now that he’s been able to actually acknowledge it and fully understand the true meaning behind it.

It’s new, even though it’s not. It’s huge, even though it’s not. It’s everything all at once, like a tornado of feelings making their way through every corner of his mind, ruining its chances of ever thinking about anything else.

Despite this he’s never felt more safe.

It should be scary, but it’s not. It should be the scariest thing in the world, but it’s pretty much the complete opposite. It feels warm and safe and soft and familiar.

It feels like he has finally found that last missing piece he needed to complete the puzzle.

He’s in love with his best friend.

Chapter Text

during.

Nothing much changes after that. Except the thoughts. They’re everywhere, all the time, and Isak envies his past self for being able to think about anything other than Even.

He overthinks everything, now. Every word, every look, every move, every smile. Tries to figure out if there’s really something there -- something more -- or if he’s just reading too much into it.

Why didn’t anyone ever tell him that being in love is so exhausting?

+

Whenever they all hang out at Magnus’ place, they somehow always end up on his trampoline. It usually starts as just jumping, messing around, trying to outdo each other when it comes to the highest jump or the number of spins they can do in one jump without falling over (Mahdi is undefeated so far with his 1080° turn). But no matter how it starts, it always -- always, always, always -- ends up as wrestling.

In the past, Isak used to enjoy it. It’s a mess -- no rules, no teams, no winners, no real point to it. It’s just tackling and pushing and pulling on each other, just for the fun of it. But now everything is so complicated.

Isak isn’t really religious, but he’s still pretty sure that this is exactly what being in heaven and hell at the same time would feel like. Because on one hand, there is so. much. touching. The game is based on touching. It’s tugging on Even’s hands or arms or legs to make him fall over. It’s wrapping his arms around him or pinning him to the mat to keep him where he is and stop his attempts to attack someone else. And it’s Even doing the same things back to him, every little touch making Isak dizzy from the whirlwind of emotions that arise inside him.

On the other hand, every touch feels like torture. It’s just a game, but the touches are still so very real. They are all cruel reminders of what could happen, but most likely never will become reality. And it hurts.

So much.

+

"Can I pick a song now?" Even asks as the music starts to fade out, reaching sideways in an attempt to grab the phone out of Isak’s hand. He doesn't get that far, however, because Isak holds it out of Even's reach before he can touch it. The movement makes the cord extend far enough that the earbud that's in Even's ear gets pulled out, landing somewhere in the folds of Isak's t-shirt.

They've been sitting on the hill by the school for about half an hour now, just the two of them. Jonas and Magnus were there with them earlier, but left when they decided they would rather go home and play video games than “sit here watching you two bicker over the right way to do the fucking dishes like you’re an old married couple”.

(They did not do that, just for the record. Jonas could honestly just fuck off.)

After finally deciding on a truce regarding the whole ‘this is how you do the dishes’ discussion -- both too stubborn to give up, even though it was blindingly obvious that Isak was right -- they mostly sat there in a comfortable silence, the only noise being the music coming out of the phone in Isak’s hand. It’s obvious that Even is annoyed by the fact that Isak has been in charge of the music the entire time, but Isak can’t really bring himself to care all that much. Especially not considering:

"Your taste in music fucking sucks."

"No, it doesn’t!" Even argues while grabbing the earbud to put it back in his ear, just in time to hear the next song starting. Isak’s heart does not speed up when Even’s hand brushes against his stomach. Absolutely not.

(He didn’t even touch your skin he just barely grazed your t-shirt, what the fuck, Isak. Get it together.)

“And even if it did,” Even continues, oblivious to Isak’s inner battle with himself, “that would mean yours does too, since we have pretty much the same taste in music.”

“No, we don’t?!” Isak exclaims, offended. “The last time I let you choose you put on fucking Gabrielle!”

“That was just a joke.”

“Yeah, right,” Isak snorts, not believing that for a second. “I know you actually like her, so don’t even try.”

Even shrugs casually, already giving up his pretense. That lasted, what? Five seconds? Wow.

“What? She’s good.”

“She’s really not. Besides, my phone - my music.”

"It's not your phone, it’s Jonas’. You borrowed it from him earlier and didn’t give it back when they left,” Even points out with a roll of his eyes.

"Well, it's mine now. Not my fault he’s forgotten about it," Isak says while flipping through Spotify to find a new song, already tired of the one that's currently playing.

Even just laughs at him and leans back on his hands instead of continuing the conversation.

It’s starting to get rather cold on the hill now; the setting sun that was providing a bit of warmth earlier has descended so low in the sky that they’re entirely in the shadows at this point. Isak mentally curses his past self for being stupid enough to leave his jacket at home. He curses Even too, while he’s at it, for being able to think ahead unlike some other people who only have one thing on their mind.

Or person. Whatever.

As a way to get warmer, Isak tries to subtly decrease the distance between them in the hopes of being able to get close enough that some of Even’s body heat will radiate over to him. Preferably without Even noticing what he’s doing.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t get very far at all before Even groans in annoyance and interrupts his concentration.

“Can you please play more than three seconds of a song before changing it?”

Isak sighs. “I just… I don’t know what I want. Like, everything just feels wrong.”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Even says as he sits up and quickly grabs the phone out of Isak’s hand before he can protest again. “My turn.”

Isak watches as he scrolls through a few playlists, before giving up and typing something in the search bar instead. Isak is too far away to see what he writes, but it only takes a few seconds until a new song starts, immediately making Isak look up at Even in total disbelief.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

i’m gonna pick up the pieces

“What?” Even says, smirking, and then he starts to sing along with so much feeling Isak has to fight a laugh. “'My three words have two meanings, there’s one thing on my mind. It’s all for you.’”

“Oh my god.”

Even laughs, loud and carefree, and then just keeps singing when the chorus starts up. He’s still over-doing it, exaggerating the words and even adding some hand gestures for good measure, and he looks absolutely ridiculous. Isak would definitely be laughing at him by now if it weren’t for one thing:

Even won’t stop looking right at him, his gaze not leaving Isak even for a second.

i’m out of touch, i’m out of love

i’ll pick you up when you’re getting down

and out of all these things i’ve done, i think i love you better now

i’m out of sight, i’m out of mind

i’ll do it all for you in time

and out of all these things i’ve done, i think i love you better now

Even is still smiling, and maybe Isak is just seeing what he wants to see, but it seems softer now. Less like a joke. More serious.

Before he can analyze it too much, Even breaks their eye contact, finally, to shift slightly in the grass as he pulls out a joint from the pocket of his jacket. He’s just about to light it when Isak snatches the lighter out of his hand, making Even exclaim in protest.

"Hey, give it back!"

"You really shouldn't smoke, Even."

"Isak," Even sighs while trying to pry the lighter out of Isak's closed fist. "Give me back my lighter."

"Nope," Isak says, and then he rolls to the side to get away from Evens reach, before standing up.

They just stare at each other for a moment, Even raising his eyebrows at Isak, a mix between baffled and annoyed. Isak doesn’t know what it is, but something about the situation makes him feel unusually confident, which is probably also the reason for the next words that come out of his mouth.

"You want it? Then come and get it," he says with a small smirk while holding up the lighter in plain sight as a kind of bait, knowing Even won’t back away from a challenge.

And, just as Isak thought, it doesn’t take long before Even is right in front of him, tackling him to the ground. The force Even hits him with is enough to make Isak lose his breath for a second, but not enough for Even to gain the upper hand. Instead, Isak manages to use Even’s focus on the lighter to his advantage and flips them over so he’s the one on top. It takes Even by enough surprise that Isak can easily straddle him and put his knees over Even’s arms, making him unable to move.

“Faen,” he grunts. “Isak. Get off me!”

Isak only smirks at him again, fiddling with the lighter as Even tries to get out from where Isak has him pinned to the ground.

Even struggles beneath Isak for a moment longer, before his features suddenly soften and he goes completely still. The abrupt change makes Isak’s smirk fall right off his face, and his gaze shifts from the lighter up to Even's eyes, something he regrets the very next second.

Isak already knows that Even has amazing eyes, the blue so vibrant it sometimes feels unreal. He has looked at them more times than he can count, so he knows that. But, as far as he can remember, they have never been as intensely focused on his own as they are in this moment, and it is seriously fucking with Isak's head.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Isak can feel all this tension building up between them. Building and building until he can almost touch it, until it’s all around them, pressing onto them from all sides, making Isak feel out of breath. And all of this makes it even harder for him to look away. It’s as if there’s some kind of magnetic force pulling them together, making it impossible to look away no matter how hard he tries. However, Even does break the eye contact a few seconds later, only to switch his gaze down to linger on Isak's lips for a moment before looking up again.

And fuck, this is too much.

It’s like every doubt he’s ever had about Even liking him like that just flies out the window. Because honestly. How could he look at Isak like this and not mean it? How could all of this not mean anything?

Isak’s thoughts start spinning out of control, his mind running with the idea of this being some kind of sign, some kind of evidence. It’s moving far away, quickly enough that he doesn’t have any chance to hold it back, talk it down, make it weigh in all parts of the spectrum and not just one extreme end. But it has already departed from the station, leaving him on the platform with no other choice than to watch it go.

Bye, Isak. Nice try.

Just as the thought this is it, something's gonna happen appears in Isak’s head, the dreamlike fog that has been clouding his vision instantly dissolves and pushes him sharply back into reality due to Even unexpectedly switching their positions again. Even wastes no time in going after the lighter, but despite the disappointment that wells up inside him, Isak recovers quickly and tightens his grip on it.

They wrestle over the lighter for a while, both of them panting and throwing out the occasional curse word. Soon, Even has Isak pinned underneath him, but just as he's about to go for the lighter again Isak finds an opening and throws it over Even’s shoulder. Even stops to stare at him in surprise for a moment, seemingly almost frozen in place, before he gets off of Isak to go and search through the grass for the lighter.

With Even no longer on top of him, Isak can get up as well, walking back to where they were sitting earlier, the phone laying forgotten on the ground and the cord of the earbuds somehow all magically tangled up. He picks up the phone and takes one look at the song that’s currently playing before quickly changing it, not in the mood for more stupid love songs. As he sits back down he can see Even where he’s running his hands through the grass as he tries to find the lighter, and it doesn’t take long before he stands up and walks back over to Isak, lighter grasped tightly in his hand, as if he’s afraid he’ll lose it again.

“I can’t believe you,” he mutters as he sits down, and although he did get the lighter back, he just puts it right back in his pocket without using it.

Isak 1 - Even 0.

“I just care about your health,” Isak says, holding out one of the earbuds for Even to take, their fingers brushing against each other when he does.

(It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t.)

Even exhales heavily. “How can you be both the best and most annoying person I know, all at the same time?”

Isak shrugs, a small smirk on his lips as he looks over at Even. “I guess I’m just the master at everything.”

The laugh Even lets out is Isak’s favourite sound in the world.

+

When Even is sixteen he gets a job as a soccer referee for seven-year-old kids. It’s just once a week for a couple of months, and Isak knows it’s stupid, but the selfish part of himself hates it since it means Even has less time to spend with him. With them going to different schools now, it’s already hard enough to find time to hang out.

Every week, Even asks Isak if he wants to come with him. And every week Isak says no. Because as much as he loves spending time with Even, adding a bunch of over-energetic kids into the situation immediately takes almost all the enjoyment out of it.

Despite this Even just keeps asking. Every. single. week. It’s not until the last game of the season that Isak finally gives in and agrees, mostly to shut Even up.

(And okay, he also really wants to spend time with him. And he’s just a little bit curious about seeing Even at work.)

Even’s blinding smile is what meets him when he gets to the field, and that alone might make this whole thing worth it. Maybe.

“I hope you’re not expecting me to pay attention to the game,” Isak says in greeting.

Even just keeps smiling at him. “As long as you’re here it doesn’t matter what you do.”

And that shouldn’t make Isak’s heart skip a beat. But fuck, it does. He can’t help it.

As Even goes out on the field to start up the game, Isak sits down in the grass by the sideline. He spends the first five minutes messing around on his phone -- playing games, texting the boys, watching youtube videos --, doing anything in an attempt to distract himself from the vast array of feelings Even stir up inside him. Despite his best efforts not to, it doesn’t take long before his eyes make their way from the phone over to land on Even.

It takes even less time for him to realise that Even is really good at his job. Although Isak couldn’t really care less about the game, Even’s enthusiasm and energy and his patience with the kids quickly manage to drag him in. And fine, Isak might not be watching the actual game as much as he’s watching Even. But honestly, who can blame him?

During half-time, Even runs up to him, parts of his hair sticking to his face, slightly damp from all the running he’s been doing.

“You having fun?” he asks with his usual bright smile.

“Oh, yeah. This is my exact definition of fun - watching a flock of kids running back and forth after a ball. I can’t tear my eyes away, it’s just too exciting,” Isak says dryly.

Even rolls his eyes at him and huffs out a laugh. Then Isak’s phone vibrates in his hand, so he shifts his attention that way for a moment before Even demands it back.

“Isak.”

“Huh?” Isak says, looking up and up and up at him. (Seriously, when is Even going to stop growing? This is just unfair.)

“I really want you to be here but I get if it’s too boring,” Even says, and although it’s subtle, the worry on his face is still obvious to Isak. Worry that Isak feels obligated to be here, worry he’s wasting Isak’s time by asking him to keep him company, worry that Isak would rather be anywhere else.

Isak smiles at him, small but reassuring. “No, it’s fine.”

And it is. Because the truth is - this is exactly where Isak wants to be. And even though the game is still far from interesting, there are much worse ways to spend your Thursday afternoon.

+

The wind is bitingly cold as it hits his face, but Isak barely even notices.

He’s sitting on the back of Even’s bike, and whenever Even makes a sharp turn, Isak has to grab onto his shoulders to keep himself from falling off. The touch is casual but it still makes Isak’s heart speed up, no matter how much he tries to stop it, tries to convince himself that it’s all chill. No big deal.

And, just for a moment, he gives in, just a little, and leans his head against Even’s back, closes his eyes and just breathes. He pulls back sooner than he would’ve liked, but it’s okay. Even is telling him about something Isak isn’t really paying attention to, voice happy and excited, and it’s all okay. Isak is happy too.

This is more than enough.

+

Everything is Even's idea. When he had found out his parents were going away to visit some distant relatives for the day, he convinced them to let him stay home by himself. He had also, in some mysterious way that Isak can’t remember right now, managed to convince Isak to come over as soon as his parents left. Which is why Isak finds himself knocking on Even’s front door at eight in the morning. On top of that it’s a Saturday. To be awake at this time should honestly be illegal.

Sitting on the couch, watching cartoons and lighting up a joint is also Even's idea. Isak had, as usual, tried to change his mind, reminding him of the fact that he really shouldn’t smoke, but it didn’t work. Even had looked at him, pout and all, and Isak just gave in, too tired to fight about it. He’s also too weak when it comes to Even, he knows he is, but there’s not that much he can do about it.

They have been sitting there for a while in comfortable silence, when it happens. Had Isak been prepared, it might have ended differently. But he isn’t. He’s as far from prepared for this as he could possibly be. He’s just sitting there, watching an episode of The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack -- which is weird enough even on a normal day, making it almost completely incomprehensible when you’re high -- when, out of nowhere, Even asks:

"Do you wanna fuck?"

It takes Isak a while to register what he’s saying, and when he does it still doesn’t make any sense. He knows Even is probably pretty high by now, but that wouldn’t make him say things he didn’t actually want to do, right? Or maybe it would; Isak has no idea, he’s too high himself to be able to think straight. All he knows is that Even, his best friend and the boy he's been in love with for the past year, if not more, just asked him if he wanted to fuck.

Talk about going from 0 to 100 in a second.

"Wh... What?!" Isak stammers out eventually.

"Yeah, do you want to?"

"Nei?! What do you think?!" Isak says, automatically going defensive. He still can’t believe that this is really happening, so his initial reaction is to deny any feelings he might have for Even in order to protect himself in case this is just a joke, which, let’s face it, is probably what it is. Sure, sometimes he thinks there might be something between them, but he usually just writes it off as him overthinking things again. And honestly, this whole thing feels so excessive and out of the blue that Isak has no idea how it could possibly be a serious question.

Even just shrugs though, evidently undeterred by the rejection, and gets off the couch only to sit down again a second later, this time in Isak's lap, straddling him.

"What-" Isak starts saying, but he gets interrupted by Even leaning closer and then licking a line up his throat, which in turn makes Isak lose his breath for a moment.

What. The. Fuck.

"What are you doing?!"

"You wanna fuck or not?" Even mumbles, his mouth still on Isak's throat, his arms coming up to gently wrap around Isak's shoulders, surrounding him and making him feel both safe and imprisoned all at once.

"I don't-"

"Come on," Even cuts him off again, moving down to lick at his collarbone.

Isak doesn't know what to do; everything is so unexpected and it's as if his brain has shut down, stopped working, stopped perceiving anything that isn't Even. Even's words, Even's smell, Even's mouth on his skin, Even's arms around him, Even's heavy breathing.

Even, who keeps mumbling "Come on, Isak" against his skin.

He still can't form any coherent sentences, and he doesn't know how long Even has been in his lap, but it feels like forever and only a second, all at the same time. Before he can start telling his brain to do something, god damnit, Even suddenly withdraws his mouth from where it’s pressing almost-kisses behind Isak’s ear and stands up.

He takes one last look at Isak and then turns around and says "I'm gonna take a shower," before leaving the room.

Seriously?

Isak sits there for a couple of minutes and stares at the door Even just walked out of, Flapjack still playing in the background. He’s completely certain he’s never been this confused before in his entire life. Thousands of thoughts are battling against each other, trying to get his attention, but he can’t focus on them. All he can think about is how he’s still really doubting if this really happened or if his mind just played a cruel trick on him by making it all up.

When Even comes back ten minutes later, his hair slightly wet and dripping a bit on his t-shirt, Isak is still staring at the door in overwhelming confusion. It’s not until Even plops down on the couch again and asks for the remote that he manages to snap out of his thoughts.

Isak expects things to be different between them now, because how could they not be? But after sitting there for a few more minutes he realises that Even is apparently dead set on acting like nothing even happened. Not wanting to be the one to make things weird between them, Isak doesn't bring it up either, no matter how much he wants -- or, more accurately, needs -- an explanation.

So in the end they spend the rest of the day together, acting as if Even asking him if he wanted to fuck was a normal occurrence rather than so unexpected that it could almost be considered impossible.

+

Isak tries his best to act normal after that, and most of the time it works.

But there’s that little voice in his head now, that just won’t shut up, no matter how many times he tries to silence it. It keeps pushing its way to the front, keeps taking up most of the space, keeps demanding him to pay attention to it.

Keeps saying he kissed your neck, he asked if you wanted to fuck, he sat in your lap. Keeps saying what if it really meant something?

What if, what if, what if.

+

“You have to feel how soft this is.”

It’s summer and at least 27 degrees outside and way too warm to be wearing long sleeves, but for some reason, Even still is.

Isak doesn’t move fast enough, so Even takes matters into his own hands. Literally. He takes Isak’s hand, long fingers firmly wrapping around him as he guides it under the hem of his sweater to feel the fabric on the inside.

It is really soft, and Isak hums distractedly in agreement when Even asks for affirmation. Because while this conversation is about the sweater, Isak’s mind has zoned in on something else entirely.

“Actually, you should try it on,” Even then says, and proceeds to drag the sweater up and off of himself before holding it out to Isak, who stares between the piece of clothing and Even’s ruffled hair for a moment too long, silently mourning the loss of contact between them despite trying his absolute best not to.

For some reason, the sweater feels even softer when he’s wearing it himself, the bright red color of it contrasting beautifully against the green grass. But, again, that’s not where his focus lies.

“You can keep it on if you want,” Even says then, “I don’t wanna carry it anyway.”

Isak frowns, perplexed. “Then why did you even bring it?”

Even just shrugs. And fuck, it’s so hot outside and Isak is sweating and now also slightly annoyed with Even but it’s like none of it even matters. He never wants to take this dumb sweater off.

+

They get in a fight about something stupid.

Isak can't even remember what started it but one thing leads to another and before he knows it they’re yelling at each other, their voices getting louder by every sentence, bouncing against the walls of Even’s room. Isak spits out words he doesn’t mean and Even throws them back with just as much force. They know each other too well, know exactly what to say to make the other hurt the most. The self-hatred spreads through Isak’s body faster by every word that passes his lips, but not fast enough to make him stop them from coming.

Isak goes home and shuts himself in his room to avoid any question his parents might throw at him. Although knowing them, they probably won’t even notice he’s home. Finally a positive aspect of the disaster that is his family situation.

He collapses on his bed, feeling completely drained from the fight. His pillow gets wet from drops of tears running down his cheeks, and he wants to stop them but he feels like he deserves it, as if he’s obligated to suffer through all this anguish because of his previous actions. He hates himself so much he swears it’s causing him physical pain.

Fuck.

He lies there until it gets dark, until it’s late enough to sleep, until the only light in the room is coming from the screen of his phone when he takes it out to stare at the picture of Even he took earlier that day -- laughing, carefree, unknowing of the awful way this day would end.

Isak really, completely, one hundred percent hates himself.

He can’t sleep, even though it’s all he wants. Sleep to forget the pain, the world, his life, himself. So he just lies there, stares at shadows in the ceiling.

The middle of the night is a weird place. It makes you do things you wouldn’t do during the day, things you wouldn’t do when there’s no darkness to hide behind. On this night, Isak is suddenly brave enough to send Even a text. A text he won’t remember sending until long after he wakes up. A text in which he tells him something he’s normally too scared to say, something he always has to mostly hide even though it takes up so much space inside him that Isak feels like it’s just a matter of time before he’s going to explode.

Like a ticking time bomb.

Three. Two. One.

Isak - 02:06: I'm sorry. Youre my best friend. elsker deg

Zero.

+

But maybe the damage isn’t as devastating as it first seems. Maybe something is still standing when the ashes subside.

Even - 03:44: Jeg elsker deg også ♥

+

The street lamps illuminate the backseat of the car with flashes of light, changing every other second.

Light. Dark. Light. Dark.

Just as fast, Even shifts where he sits next to Isak, moving closer so their legs are touching from knee to foot.

It’s probably just an accident, probably doesn’t mean anything at all. And that’s what Isak convinces himself of when he presses back. It doesn’t mean anything.

But. Neither of them move. The pressure comes from both sides, and no one is stopping it. And half of Isak’s brain is screaming stop reading too much into this, but the other side is just repeating one word. One name.

Even.

His heartbeat speeds up and his breathing is fast enough that it matches the change of brightness in the car.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Light. Dark. Light. Dark.

(Even. Even. Even. Even.)

+

It's almost half past three in the morning but Isak is wide awake. He's been lying in bed for almost two and a half hours trying to fall asleep, but to no avail. It's like it's impossible, as if his brain has already decided that he's not getting any sleep tonight, no matter how much he wants to.

The room is mostly dark, the only light coming from the flickering street lamp somewhere outside the window. A moment later the screen of Isak’s phone adds another beam of light in the darkness as he checks the time once more, only to find out that even though it feels like seven hours it’s only been seven minutes since the last time he looked. Letting out a tired sigh, he’s just about to put the phone down again when he gets another idea.

Isak - 03:26: Awake?

As he waits for a reply he opens Facebook, more out of boredom than actual interest in the pointless things people post on there. To no one’s surprise he only manages about a minute of selfies and “funny” videos before he logs off. He opens his camera roll instead, for lack of better things to do, and soon gets lost in his thoughts as he reminisces about the past, the text message he sent just a few minutes ago completely forgotten. So when the phone buzzes with a reply he's startled enough that he almost drops it on his face.

Even - 03:30: Yeah

Isak - 03:31: Wanna do something? I cant sleep

Even - 03:33: I'm at our park come here if you want.

Isak tries to dial back the excitement he feels about hanging out with Even, but it doesn’t really work. Instead, he pushes the heap of blankets off of him and slowly gets out of bed, careful not to make too much noise. Not that he thinks it would matter anyway since mamma is asleep, and on nights like this, times when she actually sleeps, the chance of waking her up is pretty slim. But still, he doesn’t want to take any risks.

And pappa, well. Who knows where he is? But it’s not at home, that’s for sure.

After putting on a pair of pants Isak heads down the stairs, careful to avoid the creaky steps, grabs his jacket from the back of the couch where he had dumped it carelessly earlier in the day, and then slips out of the front door and into the night.

With all the shortcuts he knows the walk only takes about five minutes. Finding Even doesn't take long either; he's sitting on a table on the outskirt of the park, his feet on the bench beside it and his phone in one hand.

"I almost got a black eye because of you," Isak says in greeting as he sits down next to Even, who turns to him with a frown.

"What are you talking about?"

"When you texted me. I was looking at my phone and holding it above my face. I didn’t really expect you to answer, so when you did it surprised me so much I almost dropped it."

Even huffs out a laugh. "You're such an idiot. How have you even survived this long?"

"Shut up," Isak says with a laugh of his own, leaning over to the side to bump their shoulders together.

"So,” he continues when their laughter subsides, “Why are you sitting here in the middle of the night?"

"Same as you, couldn't sleep."

Isak frowns, unable to stop the worry that pushes its way to the front of his mind. "Are you feeling okay?"

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Even says, but he’s not meeting Isak’s eyes, making Isak’s concerns expand to at least the double.

“You sure?” Isak presses.

Even looks up at him, finally. “Yes, Isak. Everything is good.”

Isak studies his face for a moment. He does look okay, except maybe a little tired, but Isak isn’t really one to talk. So he decides to trust Even’s words and lets it go. At least for now.

“Okay.”

“Let’s go get some food," Even says, swiftly changing the subject as he gets off the table. "I’m starving.”

Isak looks up at him with a frown. “It’s like four in the morning?”

"And? Do you think my stomach cares about what time it is?”

“I guess not,” Isak says, amused.

“Time is just a social construct anyway, it doesn’t even matter,” Even says, making Isak groan tiredly.

“Please, it’s too late to be thinking about this. Or early maybe, I don’t know.”

“You were talking about parallel universes just last week! And then it was even later than this. Or earlier.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Let’s just go.”

It takes about thirty minutes to walk to the closest burger place, a walk that's mostly passed in comfortable silence, and when they get there it’s empty save for the tired-looking girl at the register. Isak doesn’t know why he’s initially surprised by this considering the fact that it is almost half past four in the morning.

“Are you gonna eat?” Even asks Isak just as they’re about to walk inside, his hand coming up to rest against Isak’s chest, stopping him from going any further.

“Nah, I’m fine. I didn’t bring any money anyway, so...” Isak trails off, somewhat confused by Even’s actions.

“Okay. Wait here,” Even says, gesturing to the outside seating area. “I’m just gonna go in really quick and get my food.”

Even is inside before Isak has time to ask why, so he just settles down on one of the benches and waits. With Even gone for the moment, Isak is alone with his thoughts, which he has come to start to hate. However, it’s not the usual “fuck I’m in love with him and he doesn’t like me that way but wait what if he does what did that smile mean maybe he feels the same way” his mind chooses to focus on this time. It’s more on the lines of “shit is he really okay I hope it’s just a one time thing and that he doesn’t have trouble sleeping again is he taking his meds he said he did the last time I asked but what if something changed what if he’s not okay fuck what should I do”.

Because of the lack of people wanting to get burgers at this time of the night, it's not that much later when Even walks back out, paper bag with his food in one hand and a drink in the other. The smile he directs at Isak as he comes over makes him forget most of his previous concerns.

"Hold this," Even says, handing the drink over to Isak without waiting for a response, using his free hand to open the bag so he can pull out a burger. Which he then gives to Isak.

“Here. I got you your favourite.”

“Oh,” Isak breathes, startled by the unexpected gesture. “Thanks.”

Even smiles brightly at him and takes out another burger before crumpling up the bag and throwing it in the trash. Then he reaches over to take the drink back from Isak, and they start making their way back home.

It somehow takes them close to twice as long to get home as it did to walk to get the burgers, but Isak doesn’t mind. He’s hanging out with Even and he has food (his favourite burger, which he got for free -- from Even), it can’t really get any better than that.

The night is quiet, and they don’t see any signs of life anywhere on the walk back, making it feel like they’re the last two people on earth. All windows of the houses they pass are dark. No people are out on the streets. No cars drive by. No animals out on nightly adventures.

Just Isak and Even and the feeling of infinity.

“Can I sleep at your place?” Even asks when they’re almost back to Isak’s street.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.”

Isak is finally starting to feel tired now, and the last five minutes of walking takes real effort for him to get through.

In the short time it takes for them to make their way through the door and up the stairs to Isak’s room, Isak has to shush Even at least four times because he’s enthusiastically telling Isak about the latest movie he saw -- the title of which went in one of Isak’s ears and right out the other -- and being loud enough that Isak thinks he might actually manage to wake mamma up.

“I’ll be right back,” Isak says, leaving Even in his room and making his way over to mamma’s room, just to make sure she’s still asleep.

Which, luckily, she is.

The sight Isak is presented with as he gets back to his room a couple of minutes later makes him stop right inside the threshold.

Even is lying, face down, under the blankets in Isak's bed, already asleep. Isak can’t stop the smile that appears on his face at the sight. But it only takes a few seconds before it subsides due to the sudden realisation that he needs to figure out the sleeping arrangements.

They have slept in the same bed before, probably hundreds of times, but it’s somehow been over two years since the last time it happened. And while it hasn’t been a big deal in the past, some things have changed now, making it the situation feel extremely different. First of all, they’re older now. Are they too old to sleep in the same bed? Is there an age limit to these things?

Second of all, Isak’s feelings are not the same as they were back then. And it might be okay for two friends to sleep in the same bed, but it feels like the rules could be different when one friend has a crush on the other.

And what if Even doesn’t want Isak to sleep next to him? Since he’s sleeping, Isak can’t ask him either. He could technically wake him up, but knowing the problems Even sometimes has with sleeping, and the worrying Isak did about that exact thing just earlier this same night, he really doesn’t want to ruin any rest Even manages to get. The thing is, though, Even did lie down in Isak’s bed, so he must have known that Isak would most likely sleep there too?

Then. The most frequent question of all for the past years: Why does Isak always overthink things?

Fuck it.

Isak quickly lies down on his back next to Even, before he can come up with any other reasons not to and manage to talk himself out of it. The speed with which he gets into the bed makes the mattress bounce slightly, and he mentally curses himself, scared that he might have woken Even up. His worries fade away a moment later as he slowly, carefully, looks over to find Even still fast asleep.

Isak allows himself a moment to just look at him. He looks so relaxed like this, so small despite the fact that he’s eighteen and the tallest person Isak knows. His eyelashes rest gently against his cheeks, mouth slightly open, breaths coming out slow and steady. And Isak’s heart aches with desire to touch him, brush his fingertips over his cheeks, his lips, into his hair.

But he can’t.

He exhales heavily and stares up at the ceiling, annoyed with himself for letting his thoughts get that far ahead, for imagining things he knows deep inside he’ll never get to experience. He glances over at Even one last time before turning over on his side, facing away from him. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Wrong.

Isak is so tired but he can’t relax enough to actually fall asleep. His body is tense and his thoughts are going a mile a minute, too fast for him to be able to properly focus on any of them.

Suddenly, he can hear Even move on the bed behind him, and it’s only seconds later when Even’s arm curls around Isak’s waist and pulls him in closer, his back almost pressed against Even’s chest. Isak is tired enough that he wouldn’t be surprised if this is just a dream, but the feel of Even’s breath against Isak’s neck as he lets out a content sigh is too real to be something constructed by his subconscious. And somehow, that sigh manages to calm Isak down. He closes his eyes, letting out a sigh of his own, and tries again.

This time, sleep finds him within a minute.

+

Pappa leaves one day.

For good.

He’s been spending less and less time at home, so Isak probably should have seen this coming. But he didn’t, and it feels like his world gets turned upside down in a matter of seconds. He doesn’t know what to feel, it’s all just too much. The feelings wash over him like waves, and as soon as he thinks he’s made up his mind, knows which feeling to focus on, a new wave comes and crashes into him, making him have to start all over again.

As if Isak’s feelings weren’t making his life confusing enough, he also has to consider mamma’s. And that might be more complicated than Isak is capable of dealing with. The moment pappa is out of the door, mamma has the worst break down Isak has ever witnessed. It takes him over three hours to get her to calm down enough to go to sleep. When he finally falls asleep himself, it’s close to five in the morning, and he’s so exhausted he doesn’t know how he’ll ever be able to recover from this.

He misses school for a week, as well as thirty-seven calls from Even.

+

“I swear, I was like this close to hooking up with her!” Magnus says as the four of them take a seat in back of the bus.

They’re on their way home from a party - Isak, Magnus, Mahdi and Even. Jonas had been the only one of them to get lucky, so when they decided it was time to go home, they left him there in the kitchen with his tongue down some girl’s throat. Not that Isak had wanted to hook up with anyone, anyway. At least not some random person at a party. Especially not when, as far as the others are concerned, that someone would’ve been a girl.

To add onto this there’s also the fact that he’s possibly, maybe, totally in love with Even.

But why would his life ever be easy?

Isak sighs tiredly at his friend’s comment. “Magnus, we were all there. We saw what happened.”

“Yeah,” Mahdi chimes in, “and she really wasn’t interested.”

“She so was!”

Even, who is leaning against the window writing something on his phone, looks up for a moment. “Hold on, who are we talking about?”

“Linda, in 2STA,” Madhi answers.

“Oh, okay.”

Magnus leans forward in his seat so he can look past Mahdi and Isak and catch Even’s eyes. “You think she liked me, right?”

Even laughs at him, but it lacks any malice. “Eh, sorry Mags, but no.”

“Faen!”

There’s a moment of silence before Magnus starts telling them, in excruciating detail, about every single thing Linda had said and done, as a way to prove that she really had been interested in him. Madhi, thankfully, interrupts his rant before it gets too far by tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention. “You do know she has a girlfriend, right?”

Judging by the silence and the way his eyebrows shoot up, he does not. “What?! ”

“Yeah, what’s her name again?” Isak asks, frowning as he searches his mind for the information. “They’re in the same class.”

“Sofie,” Mahdi fills in.

“Oh, yeah. Sofie.”

Isak has barely gotten the words out before he feels Even shift beside him and then lay his head on Isak’s shoulder, letting out a sigh as he puts his phone back in the pocket of his jeans. Isak goes completely still in surprise, and it feels like the world has stopped spinning. He barely even dares to breathe, afraid that any movement will draw attention to him and the situation. Or make Even move. And while that might be better for his health, it’s also the last thing he wants.

It feels as if the moment drags on for hours and hours, but in reality it’s only been a few seconds when Isak manages to focus on the conversation again. If he wasn’t still partly distracted by Even, he would laugh at the look on Magnus’ face. He’s the perfect image of a four-year-old who just got told Santa isn’t real.

“Are you kidding me?”

“Nei? ” Mahdi says, frowning.

“How did I not know that?!”

Mahdi sighs in frustration. ”I have no idea, bro. They’re official on Facebook and everything? Didn’t you stalk her on there a few days ago?”

“I didn’t stalk her!” Magnus exclaims. “And I thought that was like a joke.”

“A joke?”

“You know, something they put there just for fun or something.”

Mahdi hides his face in his hands and takes a deep breath. “Hva faen… ”

“Oh, dude …” Isak manages to get out, even though he isn’t really involved in the conversation anymore.

“What?”

Mahdi then tries to talk some sense into him, but Isak can’t focus on his words, his mind back to being too occupied by Even. Even’s breathing is slow and steady now, and his head feels heavier on Isak’s shoulder, and that’s when he realises -- Even is asleep. Actually asleep. Leaning against him.

Oh, shit.

“Wait,” Magnus says suddenly, apparently noticing something was off too, because then he’s leaning forward again to look over at Even. “Is Even asleep?”

“Uh,” Isak says, startled. “Yeah.”

Magnus raises his eyebrows, some mix between surprised and impressed. “Huh.”

“I would never be able to relax enough to fall asleep on a bus,” Mahdi adds.

“Me neither,” Magnus says.

“You fell asleep on the bus last week!” Mahdi argues, and they keep bickering about it for a few more minutes, before gathering any scattered belongings and standing up.

“Alright, this is it,” Mahdi says as the bus starts to slow down at his and Magnus’ stop.

“See ya!” Magnus says, holding up his hand for Isak to give him a high five.

Isak complies, somewhat reluctantly, careful not to move too much in fear of waking Even up. “Bye.”

“Don’t cuddle so hard that you forget to get off at your stop,” Mahdi adds with a smirk and a nod in their direction.

It’s two in the morning. Isak is tired and confused and his heart is beating too fast and his mind is spinning. He’s really not in the mood for this right now. So he just mutters a “We’re not cuddling” while staring at Mahdi, offended.

“Okaaay, whatever you say bro,” Mahdi says, rolling his eyes at him and then walking off of the bus. “Later!”

The doors close after them and Isak is alone with Even.

And this should be better, but it’s not. Now he’s all alone with his thoughts, without the other boys’ conversation to distract him. And the thing is, he doesn’t understand why he’s making such a big deal out of this. Even is just sleeping on his shoulder. Friends do that all the time, it’s nothing special. It doesn’t mean anything. But Isak’s mind is his worst enemy right now, has been for the last few years, and it likes to make things more complicated than they are. Likes to read too much into things, try to convince him that they mean more than they might actually do.

One thing he does know, however, is that all this overthinking is going to kill him one of these days. He really needs to stop.

Fortunately, it doesn’t take long before Even drags him out of his thoughts by letting out a sleepy noise and then slowly sitting up.

“Where are we? Did I miss my stop?” he asks, rubbing his eyes and looking out the window, most likely to look for anything he could use to pinpoint their location.

“Uh, yeah,” Isak says, clearing his throat in an attempt to focus on the conversation instead of how cute Even looks when he’s just woken up. (Because shit). “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you. Mine’s coming up soon though, you can just sleep at my place if you want.”

Even smiles at him, and it’s so soft Isak has to look away. “Nice, thanks.”

There’s silence between them for a moment, then Even continues. “I can’t sleep if you’re too far away anyway.”

The comment makes Isak’s eyes snap back to Even in surprise.

“What?”

“I can’t sleep if you’re more than like two meters from me,” Even says with a bright smile, and then he winks at Isak. Or, at least he tries to. Isak just looks at him, not knowing what to say.

“Sorry I fell asleep on you, by the way,” Even adds after a while.

Isak shrugs. “It’s fine.”

And that, if anything, should be proof that Isak is a great liar. Because even though Isak might spend most of his time in a state of confusion, he knows that much. It’s not fine.

Nothing is fine.

Not anymore.

+

Isak tries.

He tries so hard, but he just can’t do it. Kids aren’t meant to take care of their parents. He’s sixteen, and most of the time he would argue against it, but he is just a kid. This is not how it’s supposed to be. It’s too much and he tries and tries and tries but he can’t do it.

He wants to be strong enough, but he’s not. He feels so disappointed with himself but he can’t do it.

He can’t.

+

He knows it’s risky, knows he could fuck everything up by doing this. But he can’t help it.

They’re at Mahdi’s place. Even and Mahdi each sitting on a chair in front of Mahdi’s computer, watching youtube videos to pass the time as they wait for Jonas and Magnus to get there. The room they’re in is small and overflowing with boxes stacked upon each other, some of them looking as if they might tip over if someone just breathes a little bit too hard. (“Mom says she’s going to go through them at least once a week, but then she gets too stressed out to deal with it.” ) There’s not much room at all to move, only a tight path between all the boxes, and the fact that Mahdi actually managed to get as much as two chairs to fit in here could possibly be considered a miracle.

But, since there’s only two chairs, and three of them, Isak has to stand behind the other two, one hand on the back of each chair as he leans against them to watch the screen.

And that’s when the idea hits him. This stupid idea that could, in a worst case scenario, possibly ruin his friendship with Even. But Isak can’t stop himself. He doesn’t really know why, but his mind is set. He’s going to do this.

So. Slowly enough that it’s barely noticeable, he moves the thumb of his left hand up from where it is resting on Even’s chair to carefully touch Even’s back. Then, when Even doesn’t show any signs of noticing the movement, he starts to stroke his thumb ever so gently back and forth over a few centimeters of Even’s sweater. He’s not sure if Even can even feel it, since his sweater is pretty thick and he’s still not acknowledging it in any way, but he keeps it up, slow and careful movements that don’t really mean anything but at the same time mean so much.

When he feels something touch his foot a moment later, Isak almost jumps in surprise, and it takes him a few seconds to realize what it is. Even’s foot is moving slowly against his before stopping to rest right on top of it.

Isak’s first thought is that this is some kind of mistake. Maybe Even was just moving his foot and accidentally put it on top of Isak’s, maybe he didn’t even notice where he put it. As a way to test this theory, Isak moves his foot, only slightly, but still with enough force that Even has no chance of missing it.

But Even’s foot stays exactly where it is.

(And Isak spends the next seven minutes overanalyzing everything, again, before Jonas and Magnus show up and drag him out of that slippery slope.

At least for the moment.)

+

“Even, the guys are gonna go to the store and buy some snacks or something. Do you want to come?”

“Uh… I don’t know.”

“Okay... I think they want to leave pretty soon though.”

“Are you going?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, then yeah. I’ll come.”

+

Moving into kollektivet isn’t something he planned to do.

It’s a long and exhausting process, starting with him just wanting a place to stay for the night, somewhere neither of his parents are. So he spends as many nights as he can with his friends -- with Even or Jonas or Mahdi or Magnus or anywhere else he can find. Anywhere but home.

After that overwhelming night where he meets Eskild, he starts to sleep in the basement of kollektivet. And it really helps, quickly becoming a safe place he can escape to without feeling like burden, without feeling like he’s just bothering his friends with his problems. He still spends some nights with his friends now and then, but most of the time he sleeps in that basement.

It takes some time for mamma to notice, but when she does she starts asking so many questions that he goes back home for a few days, and then makes sure to not stay away for too many days in a row, just to make her stop. Isak hates it, hates how both emotionally and physically draining it is for him to be there, but he still stays the night.

It doesn’t take long before all the moving around really starts to take a toll on him. And when Noora moves out and there's a spare room offered to him Isak barely has to think about it before making a decision.

It turns out to be one of the best ones he’ll ever make.

+

Music flows out of Mahdi’s phone and fills the air of one of the last warm evenings of the year.

Isak can’t remember where they’re going, can’t remember if they even have a destination in mind. But they’re walking somewhere, on a sidewalk that’s still dark from the rain that fell this morning.

Magnus is kicking a rock in front of him while complaining about the new math teacher who has assigned them enough homework that he’s already behind, despite it being only the second week of school. Jonas suggests that maybe he should actually spend some of his time studying and Even comforts him by telling him you’ll be fine and there’s still time left to do it and Mahdi calls him an idiot before eventually offering his help. The sun is on its way down, but it’s still shining, and Isak is surrounded by his friends and it’s good. He’s happy and everything is good.

But then the song changes.

so close no matter how far

couldn’t be much more from the heart

forever trusting who we are

and nothing else matters

The song fucking changes and it makes the atmosphere change too because Even starts singing along and puts an arm around Isak’s shoulders as they walk and Isak is so startled he he almost falls over, probably would if Even’s arm wasn’t around his shoulders.

To make matters worse, Even looks over at Isak every now and then, gazing into Isak’s eyes and giving him blinding smiles as he keeps singing. And the main thought that runs through Isak’s mind during all of this is why does he always do this?

never opened myself this way

life is ours, we live it our way

all these words i don't just say

and nothing else matters

It’s too much and it hurts but a part of Isak still loves it. He wants to push Even off and drag him in closer all at the same time, wants it all to end just as much as he wants it to last forever.

trust i seek and i find in you

every day for us something new

open mind for a different view

and nothing else matters

Well, fuck.

+

It’s stupid and dangerous and illegal and one wrong step could literally get them killed. But still, none of these things stop him from doing it. Over and over and over again. Sometimes it feels like all rational thought just vanishes when he’s around Even. It’s as if someone presses the off button on his brain, and when he tries to turn it on again all that shows up on the screen is an error message.

STOP: c000021a {Fatal System Error}

The initial session process or system process terminated unexpectedly with a status of 0xc000003a (0x00000000 0x00000000).

The system has been shut down.

There’s no other way of explaining this.

Because while taking a shortcut by running across the motorway might save him fifteen minutes, it’s so incredibly stupid and could end up with him losing millions and millions more.

+

“Can you believe this?!”

Isak snorts. “Yeah, I can actually.”

“Seriously, there has to be some kind of mistake,” Even goes on, ignoring Isak’s comment. He’s been going on about this for at least ten minutes now, ever since his last class ended, and it’s somehow quite entertaining. Even though it’s starting to get repetitive now.

“Why? Did you really expect anything better?”

“Isak, everyone else in the class got a higher grade than me,” Even says, turning to face Isak on the bench where they’re sitting as they wait for their friends to be done with school.

“Yeah, but-”

“Everyone!” Even interrupts.

“But,” Isak continues, “you did miss a few classes, you know, because of-”

“I know,” Even sighs in frustration, “but I made up for all of that, so that has nothing to do with this.”

“It’s just one test though, it’s fine,” Isak tries to reassure him, but to no avail.

“A fucking 3, Isak!” Even exclaims.

“Well… honestly,” Isak starts, smirking at Even as he decides to try a different route. “I’m surprised you even passed.”

The comment makes Even look up at him in surprise, eyebrows raised high in disbelief. And then he pushes Isak, and the force combined with the fact that Isak did not see this coming -- like, at all -- makes him fall off the bench. Even is laughing now though, so at least Isak managed to get him in a better mood.

That doesn’t mean he’s not annoyed.

"Hva faen, Even," Isak grunts out as he moves to sit up. Most of his left side is covered in dirt from the ground, so he brings a hand up to brush it off his clothes.

Next, he bends his knees towards his chest, planting his feet flat on the ground, before reaching his hands out for Even to take, clenching and unclenching his fists in a grabbing motion.

"Help me up."

"Get up yourself," Even says, amused.

"It's your fault I'm down here, so help me up!" Isak argues.

Even doesn't move, just raises his eyebrows at him. “Actually, it’s your own fault for being a dick.”

"Even," Isak says, his voice almost a whine now.

When Even doesn’t move fast enough, Isak pushes his lower lip forward in a pout. Rolling his eyes at the childish expression, Even gets up to stand in front of Isak to help him up. He doesn’t get further than that though, because the sound of someone yelling “Eveeeen!” makes both of their heads snap in that direction just in time to see Magnus walk up to them.

“Everything good?” Magnus asks when they’re close enough.

“Yeah, man,” Even answers, reciprocating the tight hug Magnus envelops him in. “You?”

“I’m grea- oh. Hey, Isak,” Magnus says with a frown, apparently not noticing Isak until then. “Why are you on the ground?”

“Because he was being rude. And now he’s too lazy to get back up,” Even answers before Isak even has a chance to open his mouth.

“No, I'm not!” Isak says as he swats lightly at Even's calf in protest, making him laugh.

“Then why are you still on the ground?”

Isak sends him a glare before turning his head away, muttering words like your fault and I’m not the rude one too quietly for Even to hear. The sigh Even lets out a moment later makes Isak turn his head back to him, just in time to see Even reaching out his hand towards him to help him up.

"Here, come on.”

Even sounds impatient, but the expression on his face looks fond, his eyes soft and the hint of a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. Isak just stares at him for a second before accepting the offered hand, grabbing it in his own in a tight grip. Wasting no time, Even drags Isak up so he’s standing again, but he doesn’t let go of his hand right away. Instead he turns back to Magnus when he chooses that moment to start talking again.

“Anyway, Jonas and Mahdi are on their way. What do you wanna do?”

Even shrugs before he answers, and the movement makes Isak even more aware of the fact that Even still hasn’t let go of his hand.

What is he doing?

"I don’t know, I’m up for anything."

"Fett. Well, let’s wait until they get here and decide then," Magnus says, turning around, probably to look for the other two, but Isak is unable to pay attention to him because Even’s hand is still holding onto his and he doesn’t understand why.

Isak should let go himself, but he doesn’t want to. Partly because he enjoys it too much, would hold hands with Even forever if he could -- even though that might be a little inconvenient at times --, and partly because he wants to see how long it will take until Even lets go.

“There they are!” Magnus says suddenly as Jonas and Mahdi walk out of the school.

Even turns back to Isak at that, and only then lets go of his hand, acting as if he doesn’t even realise they’ve been holding hands for way too long to be considered normal in this situation. The same could not be said for Isak though, since it's the only thing he's been able to think about. He’s surprised his brain could even register anything the boys were talking about.

"You all ready to go?" Jonas asks as he and Mahdi come up to them, breaking Isak out of his thoughts.

After various confirmations from the other boys, they start to make their way over the school yard while discussing possible destinations where they could spend the afternoon. Isak tries to contribute to the conversation but all he can think about is how he’s almost completely positive he can still feel the warmth of Even’s hand in his.

+

He needs to stop.

He really needs to stop, and there comes a moment when he manages to actually convince himself to do it. He needs to face the truth. If there’s really something between them, if Even really does like him in that way, he would have done something about it by now. It’s been over two years of overanalyzing every look, overthinking every move, questioning every smile, and Isak can’t do it anymore, can’t keep getting his hopes up like this.

So. He makes a decision, convincing himself that it’s never going to happen. Even is his best friend and he’s so incredibly grateful for that. He doesn’t need anything more. So, from now on, all other thoughts are going to get ignored, pushed away -- far, far away -- and he’s going to focus on their friendship.

Simple as that.

+

Even - 15:41: What are you doing right now?

Isak - 15:43: nothing. Just got back home from school.

Even - 15:44: Wanna hang out?

Isak - 15:44: Sure but can you come here? I’m too tired to move

Even - 15:45: Hva faen Isak

Even - 15:45: Ok fine see you soon.

+

The room is dark when Isak wakes up. Not full-on pitch black, but dark enough that he can’t make out the details, dark enough that all the colours seem washed out, making everything blend together. Something he can see very clearly, however, is that he’s not alone in his bed.

Even is sitting next to him, his back against the wall and phone in his hand, the screen lighting up his face. When he notices Isak is awake, he smiles softly down at him.

“Hi.”

Isak just blinks at him in confusion, his brain still not properly awake, and it takes him a moment to remember that he had actually asked Even to come over.

(Wow, good job Isak. Inviting people over, falling asleep before they get here and then momentarily forgetting all about it. Friend of the year, really.)

“Uh, hi,” Isak says eventually, his voice almost a whisper as he internally curses himself some more.

Even keeps smiling at him for a few more seconds, before letting out a short laugh. “I can’t believe you actually fell asleep. I guess you really were too tired to move.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Isak smiles apologetically as he moves to sit up, adjusting his snapback so it’s properly on his head again after almost falling off during his nap. “What time is it?”

Even glances at his phone before answering. “Just after five.”

Isak frowns. “How long have you been here?”

“Almost an hour.”

If Isak felt bad about falling asleep a moment ago, it’s nothing compared to what he feels now.

“Shit. Why didn't you wake me up?!”

“It’s fine,” Even says with a shrug. “If you fell asleep then you probably needed the rest.”

And just like that, his self-hatred is replaced by endless affection for Even. He still wonders, sometimes, how he managed to get such an amazing person as his best friend. He really doesn’t deserve him.

“Well… thanks,” he mumbles, wishing he could say more but hoping Even gets it anyway.

The way Even smiles at him makes him feel pretty sure he does. But it doesn’t take long before it all gets too much and Isak can’t deal with it any longer. An overwhelming need to change the subject, right now, emerges inside him.

He clears his throat. “So, what do you want to do?”

Even’s smile falters, but the change is so microscopic that Isak almost misses it. Almost. “Uh, I actually wanted to talk to you about something.”

The seriousness of his voice combined with that slight decrease of his smile makes Isak’s eyes snap up to his instantly, worry spreading rapidly through him.

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve just been thinking.”

“About what?” Isak pushes, the concern not diminishing at all.

Even turns to stare at the wall for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. Isak waits, tries to take in the expression on Even’s face, but there’s so much and not enough to be seen there, all at once, and he can’t make out what it means. The silence keeps stretching on and he’s just about to ask him again when Even finally speaks.

“Have you ever thought about something so much it just starts to feel like you made it all up? Like the more you think about it the less real it seems?”

Isak frowns, and then stumbles through an answer without really answering, the question hitting just too close to home. Because shit, has anything ever explained his life better than that? It’s like Even took the thought right out of Isak’s head, and that might be just about the scariest thing that could happen.

“Uh, yeah. Or maybe. I don’t know… Why?”

“I’ve been doing that too much, and I just…,” Even sighs. “I don’t know anymore.”

“Oh. Okay.” Isak pauses for a beat, before asking, “Thinking about what?”

But Even just keeps talking, as if he didn’t hear the question at all, still staring at some invisible spot somewhere on the wall of Isak’s room. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to stop it, because I really can’t keep doing this. But then I realised the only way I can stop is if I get an answer, so I can know for sure if it’s really happening or if I’m just making things up in my head.”

“Okay… so-”

“Isak,” Even cuts him off, and then he goes quiet, turning to look right into Isak’s eyes again.

And Isak can’t look away. The moment stretches on and on and on, and it should be awkward, but it’s not. And he can’t look away. There’s so much tension in the room, building and building until Isak is convinced it has stopped being an abstract concept, instead becoming a presence solid enough to touch.

Even breaks the eye contact to duck his head down towards the bed for a moment, and it gets easier to breathe. Even takes a deep breath of his own, his shoulders moving faintly with the action. Up. Down. When he turns back up to meet Isak’s gaze again, his eyes are full of determination. And then, softly, but still so very clear, he asks another question.

“Is it real?”

It’s just three words. Three simple words but they manage to change everything. Because if he ever thought Even’s looks or words or actions or smiles ever meant something before, it all pales into nothingness compared to this.

It’s been over two months since he decided that he wasn’t going to do this anymore, that he was going to put everything behind him and move on, and it’s been working well so far, only the occasional setback in the beginning where the “old” thoughts peeked through. The last few weeks have been going great and he really believed that he had been able to move past this. Until now. Because despite all his progress it only takes a heartbeat for everything to come rushing back, feeling even stronger than before.

It’s like someone hits a switch, and then the dam he had built up to hold in all the feelings just brakes and the water is rapidly forcing its way out, flooding every single corner of his mind and in its wake flushing away any doubt he ever had.

Because he’s sure now.

This is it. Even wants this too, it’s so clear he doesn’t know how he ever thought otherwise. And this is Isak’s chance, the point where he can make it all become reality. Even made the first move, now waiting for Isak to take his turn. There is no pressure from Even’s side, leaving the decision all to Isak, letting him choose where to go from here. The question just lies in what he should do, and how he should answer.

Because even though he knows, now, and even though he wants this more than anything, he’s still scared. As much as he thought about this, as much as he hoped and wished and wanted, deep down he knew, had convinced himself, that it was never going to happen. And being presented with the possibility now is overwhelming and feels somewhat unbelievable. The absence of light doesn’t help in the least, making everything seem even less real, and for a moment Isak wonders if he might still be asleep.

(Honestly, if that’s the case he wouldn’t even be surprised.)

Considering all of this, all the contradicting thoughts fighting against each other in his head, Isak doesn’t know what makes him do it.

He could just say ‘yes’, that would suffice. That would be the most obvious answer to the question. But he can’t. The word gets stuck in his throat, feeling wrong and not even near good enough. He tries to think of something else to say, but he doesn’t know how he could ever find any words to describe this.

So he tries another approach.

If everything goes to hell -- if he, against all proof otherwise, has misinterpreted the whole situation -- then, well. At least he could use the darkness to his advantage, make it swallow him up and hide him from the world while his life falls to pieces.

Fuck it.

Overthinking has never led him anywhere before, so he just makes his move before he can change his mind.

One second he’s staring at Even, desperately trying to make sense of his swirling thoughts, and the next he’s moving closer, closer, closer until he has one hand on the bed for support, the other sliding over Even’s cheek and into his hair as he leans forward the last distance and presses their lips together.

And fuck.

Even wastes no time in kissing him back, his hands coming up to cup Isak’s cheeks, and every thought in Isak’s head vanishes. Everything goes blank and all he can do is feel. Even’s lips are warm against his, his hands soft where they rest on the sides of Isak’s face, steadying him. The room is still dark but Isak has never felt so much light, never seen this many colours all at once.

When they finally part, Even is grinning brightly enough to compete with the actual sun, and Isak feels dizzy.

“Is this real?” Isak asks, slightly breathless and, to be completely honest, a tad confused.

“It has to be. Not even my dreams could come up with something this good,” Even says, making Isak let out a tired groan.

“Oh my god, Even. If you're gonna be this cheesy we might as well end this before it even starts.”

Even puts a hand over his heart in fake offense. “Ouch, so rude.”

“Also,” Isak goes on, ignoring Even’s dramatics, “please don’t mention dreams, because I'm still not convinced this isn’t one.”

“Okay. Then let me try to help you figure it out,” Even says, smiling, and then he closes the distance to kiss Isak once more.

He kisses him again and again. Kiss after kiss after kiss, so many that Isak can’t keep track anymore. Five? Ten? A million? Who knows, who cares? It’s still overwhelming but it’s so, so good. And most importantly of all, it’s actually happening. He isn’t making this up.

It’s real.

Chapter Text

after.

Nothing much changes this time either. Except that’s not true, not at all.

It feels like everything changes. Sure, the basics are still the same, but everything else is suddenly so much more. So much better.

Even is still his best friend, but now there’s an additional layer there, now he gets to have both, all in one. Even the best friend and Even the boyfriend. And while he has spent countless hours thinking about exactly this possibility, it takes him some time to really process it, really understand that yes. That happened. It's not an unattainable dream anymore -- it's his reality.

+

Going back to school, seeing the familiar buildings, meeting the boys again, all just feels surreal. It’s only been three days, but Isak’s world has shifted, and he feels like he’s a whole new person now, somehow. But everything around him still looks the same, and it really doesn’t add up. How can so much change in one place while another doesn’t show any signs of anything different happening at all? It's as if this is just another normal, ordinary, insignificant day of life. As if it’s not the start of a new one.

Isak is standing by his locker, still trying to wrap his head around all of this as he rummages through the mess of books and papers inside, feeling as if the disorganized state of the locker is a visual representation of his mind at the moment. No matter how hard he tries, he can't focus long enough to remember what class he has first, and he can feel himself getting more and more annoyed by the second. Next thing he knows, his thoughts are interrupted by a cold hand touching his neck, and he’s so startled he almost drops the pile of papers he’s holding. Turning around, he’s met with a laughing Even. And okay, that might just be the best sight Isak has seen. Well, since yesterday when he saw the same thing, but in his bed, that is.

He still pushes Even though, because rude.

Even just keeps laughing, before letting out a bright “Hei!”, and Isak has to shift all his focus to not jumping Even right here and now. He doesn’t know how this happened. How not touching Even went from difficult, but still manageable, to absolute torture, something only half a step away from impossible. It doesn't make any sense. He’s had years of practise, and the amount of time where he’s been allowed to do it --reach out and touch him without needing to come up with a reasonable excuse as to why, reach out just because he wants to -- is almost nothing compared to all the time before. But logic thinking is apparently not something his brain can comprehend at the moment. It’s as if going back now is not even an option, as if one touch was all it took for him to become addicted.

Another thing Isak has a hard time figuring out is how his past self could ever doubt the meaning of Even’s looks, smiles, words, or anything he did back then. Before. And fine. Maybe it’s easy to say that now, after all that's happened and with everything he knows, and maybe Even was better at hiding it in the past, too, but still. This here, right now -- the way Even looks at him with so much underlying emotion shining through, making it almost too much for Isak to handle, too overwhelming, still so new that he's not sure how to react --, it's so obvious.

So obvious, that if Even keeps this up the whole school is going to know about them before lunch. And while a part of him would love for everyone to know, to share this with his friends, another part is not ready to tell anyone. Not ready for anything to possibly burst the bubble of happiness he’s currently residing inside.

“Okay, chill,” Isak tells Even when they’ve been standing there doing nothing but staring at each other for way too long. He can feel his cheeks starting to heat up, and it gets even worse with the question Even asks after letting out another short laugh.

“My place after school?”

“Fuck yes,” Isak says, and it probably comes out too fast, too excitedly, giving away everything. But in this moment, the more confident part of himself -- the one who doesn’t give a shit if anyone finds out, who wants it to happen -- is taking over, and he can’t bring himself to care.

Even smirks at him. “You know... maybe you should take your own advice.”

Isak doesn’t have time to come up with anything to say to that, because they are suddenly interrupted by a voice from somewhere behind him, making him almost jump in surprise for the second time in less than three minutes.

“Advice about what?” Jonas asks, before he turns towards his own locker to push in the combination. Isak feels frozen on the spot, the confidence he was feeling only seconds ago nowhere to be seen anymore, disappearing so fast that Isak wonders if it was even there in the first place. The panic that spreads through him is probably visible on his face, at least to Even, because he quickly jumps in to answer.

“Isak was just saying that I need to start studying for a test I have next week, even though he hasn’t even decided on a topic for his English essay that’s supposed to be handed in in two days.”

Isak stares at him for a few seconds, impressed by how fast he came up with that. And fine, it’s actually true, Isak had said that. But it was yesterday, and it was said in a conversation that probably only lasted two minutes before it turned into something else. The fact that Even paid so much attention to his words makes him feel both strangely important and absolutely terrified. He feels overwhelming happiness at the realisation that Even actually cares this much about him, even though he already knew that, deep down. But at the same time he can't help feeling as if he doesn't deserve all of this -- as if it's too much, too good, to be directed at him -- and all of it will probably come back to bite him in the ass one day when he inevitably says something stupid.

(Fuck. Why does everything always need to have two sides? Why can't things just be easy, for once?)

“Well, we all know I’m smarter than you. Both of you,” Isak says when he manages to drag himself back to the conversation they're having right now, instead of dwelling on one that happened in the past (and any feelings that stirred up inside him because of it). The other two start protesting, but Isak ignores them. “And I only need like an hour to write that anyway. I have plenty of time.”

Jonas rolls his eyes at him. “Yeah, okay. Sure.”

Something they don’t have time for, however, is to stand around and talk any longer, because Jonas soon lets out a “Shit” after taking out his phone and probably realising what time it is, making the other boys aware of how little time they have left to get to their classrooms as well. So, they have no other choice but to quickly gather their things and start walking, soon going separate ways to get to the first of their many classes of that day.

Going a whole school day without seeing, or touching, Even is just unrealistic, though. So Isak might text him and tell him to meet up in a bathroom between classes to make out, but who knows.

+

It doesn’t take long at all for Isak to realise that this is not how he wants it to be. He hates the panic that welled up inside him when Jonas came up to them, hates that that was his initial reaction, hates how much it makes him hate himself. Because while he wants nothing more than to tell their friends, he's not sure if he can do it. It feels like it's too much, too soon. But at the same time it feels like it's not soon enough.

There's a constant battle inside his head now, taking up the majority of his waking thoughts, and it's making him exhausted.

On one hand, he feels as if this has been a secret for too long. Yes, he can share it with Even now, and that makes it better. But it also makes him want more. He doesn't want to hold it inside anymore, doesn't want to hide it. Doesn't want to keep living a lie.

But. On the other hand, he's still scared. Everything is so good as it is, and telling people means that there's a possibility of that changing, a risk of things getting bad. He's scared of what the boys will say, scared of how his parents will react, if and when he decides to tell them. Scared of the world's opinions.

But he doesn’t want to be scared anymore. He’s tired of it.

He’s just so, so tired, but he doesn't know what to do.

+

“Do you think we should tell the boys?”

“I think they might already know.”

“Oh.”

“But yeah, if you want to tell them, we can.”

“Do you want to?”

“Isak. I want to tell the whole world.”

+

Isak misses yet another shot, probably close to the tenth in a row, and Mahdi lets out a disbelieving laugh at his failure.

“Oh my god, how can you suck this much?”

“Yeah, you’re usually not that bad,” Jonas adds from behind him, the comment being followed by him playfully starting to poke Isak in the back.

“Shut up,” Isak mutters, trying to push Jonas’ finger away while simultaneously paying attention to the game. It doesn’t work well at all. “I’m just... I have a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?” Magnus asks, right before scoring again. 7-1 to him now. It’s embarrassing, honestly.

Isak sighs heavily, a futile attempt to stop, or at least reduce, the nervousness that suddenly hits him. He watches as the goal replays on the screen, showing close-ups, going in slow-motion, viewing it from every angle possible. And wouldn’t that be nice? To be able to see a move from all viewpoints, to know how it’s perceived from the other sides. To see how it ends.

But that’s it though. You can’t do it in that order. The shot has to come first.

However. Passing is easier.

“Just... school and stuff. I don’t know. The usual.”

It’s such a blatant lie, and it feels like it’s written all over his face. He can’t tell if they even believe him -- probably not, at least if the millisecond of a frown that appears on Magnus’ face before it shifts into a more neutral expression is anything to go by -- but they do drop the conversation, for which he is grateful. He doesn’t know how long he could keep it up, keep making up excuses.

He doesn’t even want to anymore, but telling the truth is easier said than done. Or, in this case, easier thought than said.

Isak lets out another sigh. He swears he can feel Even’s eyes on him, even without turning around to look. Even, who is amazing as always, who has given Isak full control, letting him decide when he wants their friends to know. The support he knows Even has for him is another thing that feels palpable, as if he were physically holding on to him, as if there wasn’t any space between them at all, even though Even is sitting all the way at the head of Isak’s bed.

And this all makes him even more sure of his ability to tell the truth, but it also makes him feel so incredibly weak.

Because he can’t do it.

He thought he was ready, but apparently he's not, and disappointment quickly takes up most of the space inside him, washing away any and all confidence he might have had. He hates himself for feeling like this, knows he shouldn’t. But he just can’t help it. This would’ve been a perfect moment to tell them everything, but it’s like it’s impossible to get the words out, as if his brain has forgotten them altogether. He really thought he could do this, but it turns out he can't.

The thing about being scared, though, is that there’s not always a logical explanation as to why you feel that way. Sometimes it just is, even though you know it’s not really something to fear. Because Isak knows, deep down, that his friends would be nothing but supportive, would be happy for him. For them. And, according to Even, the boys might actually already know about them. Not that Isak really knows how, but still. If that’s true, it just means they are even more incredible friends than he thought. Taking all of this into consideration, he doesn’t know why he’s so scared. Doesn’t know why it’s so difficult to say those words.

(Because the possibility of losing them still exists.)

Fuck.

“I can’t believe you lost to Magnus,” Mahdi says, abruptly pushing Isak back to reality just as Magnus starts to protest against his implied lack of skills.

Isak hadn’t even realised the game was over, had spent the past five minutes playing on auto pilot, too caught up in his own thoughts.

"I just thought I could be nice today, let him know what winning feels like for once," Isak answers with a shrug, trying to act normal while still being partly distracted by the internal battle he has with himself. The comment earns him an unnecessarily hard punch in the shoulder from Magnus and bursts of laughter from the other boys, and he manages to relax again. At least a little.

They switch then, passing their controllers to Jonas and Mahdi before moving to make room for them at the end of Isak’s bed. Isak sits down next to Even, leaning against the wall, while Magnus stretches out in the middle, propping his head up on his head as he turns to watch the game.

Then, as Jonas and Mahdi shuffle through the different teams, arguing with Magnus about whether or not it really matters which team you pick, Isak chances a glance over at Even, only to find that he’s already looking at him.

There’s no need for words. They don’t need them, because Isak already knows.

His heart rate speeds up as he slowly, careful to not attract any attention from the other boys, slides his hand over to Even’s. Even meets him halfway, slotting their fingers together and giving them a tight squeeze.

Even sends him a small smile, so full of emotion Isak isn’t yet used to, before letting go.

And Isak knows, now.

He can do this. He will do this. It won’t happen right now, not even sometime today. But he’s getting closer.

+

Isak can hear the faint knocks on the front door, and he knows who's on the other side, knows it's for him, but because of the situation he’s currently in the middle of dealing with, moving to open it is not an option.

“Eskild! Open the door!” Isak shouts as well as he can, given the circumstances. When Eskild doesn’t answer in the next five seconds, he calls his name again. “Eskild!”

“Relax! I’m going!”

The door creaks open a moment later, and then there’s the sound of Even’s voice as he says “Hi, Eskild. Is Isak here?”

“He’s in the kitchen, cleaning up some blood,” Eskild replies, casually enough that he could just as well be talking about the weather.

“What?!”

Eskild keeps talking, completely oblivious to the clear panic in Even’s voice. “Can you believe he’s actually cleaning? It’s nothing short of a miracle.”

It’s only seconds later when Even appears in the kitchen doorway. Isak briefly glances in Even’s direction from where he’s leaning over the sink, a towel pressed to his face and drops of blood scattered over the countertop. He can admit that it probably doesn’t look good from an outsider's point of view, so the worry that spreads over Even’s face as he takes in the situation is understandable.

"Shit. What happened?" Even asks as he steps up beside him, putting a comforting hand on Isak’s back and then bending down in an attempt to get a proper look at his face.

"Nothing," Isak says, his voice muffled slightly by the towel.

"It's not nothing, you're bleeding!"

"Hey, it’s fine. It's just nosebleed," Isak tries to assure him, turning to properly face Even. "I don’t know what happened, just started bleeding out of nowhere."

“You didn’t do anything?”

“No! I was helping Eskild refurnish the living room, but I didn’t even touch my nose or anything. I was just moving one of the couches, because like I said, Eskild needed help, and I’m obviously the strongest one here.” He raises his voice at the last part, directing it to Eskild and smirking to himself while he waits for his reaction. It only takes a second before it comes.

“Hah! You wish, baby Jesus!”

Even rolls his eyes at them, but then his face turns serious again. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks, looking intently at Isak, his voice full of concern.

"Yeah, I’m fine," Isak replies, gingerly pinching the tip of his nose to find out if he's still bleeding. "I think it has stopped now."

It has; his fingers are clean when he inspects them, and he feels better, too. Getting a clean towel from the counter, he wets it and wipes off his face, trying to get as much blood away as he can without a mirror to help him see what he’s doing. When he considers himself to be done, he moves to put the towel away, but Even stops him by swiftly reaching over and taking it out of Isak’s hand. Their fingers brush against each other with the movement, and Isak could swear the contact sends an electric shock through him.

“Here, you missed a bit,” Even mumbles before bringing the towel up to wipe at the side of Isak’s cheek, gripping Isak’s chin with his other hand to hold him still.

When Even is done, he moves his hand from Isak’s chin over to his cheek and softly brushes his thumb across his skin. Their eyes instinctively find each other, and Isak can’t look away. It’s like all those other times, before, except it’s not at all. Because this time he can actually do something about it, can lean up the last distance and press their lips together. So he does.

The kiss doesn’t last very long, but Isak can’t go in for another, longer one, despite really wanting to. Because when he opens his eyes again, he finds that they’re no longer alone in the kitchen.

“Hallo.”

Isak groans and quickly hides his face in Even’s neck, wishing the world would just swallow him up, because fuck. This is not how he saw this day going. Too much happens at once, too many thoughts and emotions fighting for attention at the same time. It’s so much that he needs a moment to collect himself before he can meet anyone’s eyes, so he keeps his head where it is, his answer muttered against Even’s throat.

(Another reason for not moving might be to not let anyone -- by which he means Eskild -- see his flushed face. He considers the situation embarrassing enough as it is, thanks.)

“What, Eskild?”

“I have to admit, I’m not that surprised.”

The comment is so unexpected that Isak forgets his previous concerns, making him look up at Eskild in confusion. “What? Why not?”

“Seriously?” Eskild says, eyebrows raised high on his forehead. “Wow. Okay. I’m gonna leave you to it. Even, help your boy out, would you?”

Even chuckles as he hugs Isak a little bit closer to himself. “Yeah, sure.”

“Good,” Eskild says, then he pauses for a moment to just look at them, and Isak feels like he’s being examined, like he’s a particularly hard riddle that just refuses to be solved. What follows is worse, though, because the smile on Eskild’s face looks too smug to be anything other than bad news for Isak. As expected, Isak gets his confirmation from the next words out of Eskild’s mouth.

“Let me know if you need any advice. I could be like your gay guru now.”

Isak groans again, inwardly begging for the conversation to please, be over already. Even, on the other hand, just lets out another laugh, apparently finding the whole thing entertaining. Traitor.

“What the fuck, Eskild? Please just go,” Isak says, making Eskild roll his eyes at him.

“Fine. But we’re gonna talk about this later,” he says, pointing a finger at Isak to make it clear that he’s not getting out of this. Not that Isak really minds, deep down. He’s actually touched by Eskild, and how he, time and time again -- despite Isak’s protests and generally grumpy personality -- keeps being there for him, keeps caring about him.

(He would never tell Eskild that though. There’s no way he would ever hear the end of it if he did.)

“Whatever,” he mutters offhandedly, and after another surveying look in Isak’s direction, Eskild finally leaves.

Isak exhales heavily and closes his eyes, leaning into Even again. As he finally manages to relax, all the thoughts come rushing back for another round. They’re slower this time, though, so he starts to sort through them, tries to figure out how he feels about this, about Eskild knowing. He had already decided to tell the boys sometime this week, he was really going to do it this time. And while he is still nervous about that, he was also sort of looking forward to it. Excited to finally share this with three of the most important people in his life.

This, though. This is something else.

It’s not bad, not at all. He thought he would be more shaken considering what just happened, but he’s not. It has a lot to do with the fact that it was Eskild, though. He knows he can trust him, knew before this happened that Eskild would be supportive, if not also quite annoying, when he found out. Which is exactly what happened. Still, he was not prepared, completely taken by surprise, so he just needs a moment to breathe.

Even strokes a hand over his back, his voice close to a whisper as he asks “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Isak says, letting out another sigh. “Just didn’t expect Eskild to be the first one to know. Or for him to find out now. Like this.”

“Well, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”

“What? Why?”

“I thought you were supposed to be the smart one?” Even teases, ignoring Isak’s offended hey! “I’m always here, Isak. I’ve basically spent the past two weeks in your bed. Eskild isn’t dumb.”

“Wow, thanks Even.”

“Eskild!” Isak exclaims in annoyance as they’re interrupted once more. “Is it impossible to be alone for even one minute in this place?”

“You do know you’re in the kitchen, right? If you want a private conversation you could just move to your room.”

Isak snorts. “Like you wouldn’t just listen through the door, anyway.”

Eskild just shrugs, a smirk spreading across his face.

“Please just leave,” Isak groans. “Go and continue your extreme home makeover or something.”

“Actually, that’s why I came back. It’s done, you wanna see?”

Even does. Isak acts like he doesn’t care one way or the other, even though he does want to see the result of his hard work (yes, fuck off. He did do a lot of it).

As they stand there, taking in what looks like a whole different living room than the one he woke up to this morning, he feels a calm wash over him. He reaches out to his left, his hand finding Even’s, and holds on tight.

It’s okay. It will be fine.

He can do this.

+

Kattehookern og vennene hans

17.03

Boys

Hang out at my place tomorrow?

Magnus

I’m in.

Mahdi

sure

What’s the plan?

Jonas

Can after 2

Nice

I don’t know, just hanging out.

Mahdi

Oh. I thought it was gonna be something special

???

Like what?

Mahdi

Idk... maybe like you finally telling us about you and Even

Or something

WHAT

Magnus

Oooh yes you should do that Isak!!

Jonas

... I thought we agreed not to bring it up

Mahdi

I can’t take it anymore man

just thought I could help him a little

Even

I told you they knew

but HOW

It only happened like two weeks ago??

Jonas

Took you long enough.

Mahdi

Yeah srsly I thought you got together like a year ago

Magnus

Same

Mahdi

but turns out you were both too stupid to realise the other liked you back.....

Jonas

True...

what the fuck

Even

Yeah Isak what took you so long?

How is this my fault

You could have done something too!

Even

I tried so many times but you still didn’t know.

Seriously how could you not know after that time we got high at eight in the morning

OH MY GOD

Mahdi

????

EVEN

Magnus

What happened?

I HATE YOU

That was so

fuck

Jonas

Judging by Isak’s lack of chill it’s probably something embarrassing

so tell us

Even

I was pretty much all over you. I thought it was obvious.

Magnus

Guys what happened???

WHAT

Jonas

oh shit

Even

Long story.

Mahdi

now you just have to tell us

Even

I’ll tell you tomorrow guys.

NO

Magnus

Nice!

Jonas

(Y)

Don’t fucking tell them about that!!!

Mahdi

This is gonna be good

EVEN

+

Even - 12.22: I’m here, come outside.

Isak - 12.22: ok ♥

Even - 12.23: ♥

After putting on a jacket and carelessly pushing his feet into a pair of used-to-be white sneakers, Isak makes his way out through the door of kollektivet and down the stairs. Outside, he’s met with a wave of cold air, and he pulls his scarf tighter around him. Thick gray clouds cover the sky as far as the eye can see, and the world is lightly dusted with snow, a few flakes still descending slowly and landing in his hair.

He takes a right turn and walks over to the black Citroën C4 waiting for him on the side of the street. When he gets close enough, he can make out Even through the window, and there’s nothing he can do to stop the excitement he feels about just seeing him. As if it’s been two years instead of two days since the last time they saw each other.

"Hey, baby," Even says when Isak gets into the car, the smile on his face so bright that Isak can barely look at it.

“Hi,” Isak smiles back. And he is definitely not blushing because of that word. Nope.

“What took you so long?” Even asks as Isak closes the door behind himself, and the question makes Isak turn around to face him, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Seriously? You texted me two minutes ago.”

“It was at least five,” Even argues, but it’s only seconds before his frown shifts into a teasing smile.

Isak rolls his eyes at him.

“We’re gonna be late to the game now,” Even continues as he shifts the gear stick and starts their drive out of the city. “You know how Magnus gets when that happens. He’ll complain and insist we missed something ‘epic’ he did, even though we only got there like five minutes late.”

“He should just be happy we’re coming at all.”

“What? You like going to his games.”

“Do not.”

“Yes, you do.”

They keep bickering for a while, their smiles still very present and the atmosphere light and happy, before Isak turns on the radio. Unfortunately he can’t keep any channel on for very long before Even inevitably starts singing. And fine, that might not be so bad at first, but there are only so many cheesy love songs a person can handle someone sing to them before it’s just too much. There has to be a limit somewhere.

It’s still not snowing much outside, but it’s enough that Even has to turn on the windshield wipers every now and then to clear the view. They drive further and further, away from the liveliness of the city. The houses start to show up less frequently, while the number of trees and open fields rapidly increases.

About five minutes away from the sports center where the game is taking place, they’re driving down a winding road with an enormous forest on one side, and the occasional house on the other, and despite the fact that people actually do live out there, it feels like they’re in the middle of nowhere. Because of this, the fact that they suddenly find their side of the road to be closed off due to some kind of road work comes as a surprise. Apparently, spending a great amount of money on fixing the road out here is very important. Top priority, really.

"Fuck,” Isak says as Even slows the car down to a stop right before the barricade starts. There’s no way to see where it ends because of a curve in the road, the trees of the forest standing so close together that they block it from their sight, and it leaves them with no other choice but to turn around. Isak is just about to take his phone out of his pocket to open google maps and look for another route, when Even speaks up.

“Do you think we could do it?”

Isak frowns. “Do what?”

“Go,” Even says, nodding towards the road.

Isak stares at him for a moment. “It’s a one-way street. In the opposite direction. And we can’t even see the end of it.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s gonna take such a long time to turn back and find another way, we’re gonna be so late,” Even says, making Isak raise his eyebrows at him.

“So you’d rather break the law?”

“Like we haven’t done that before,” Even smirks, and Isak rolls his eyes, because yeah, true. But still.

“What if we meet someone though? There’s barely enough room for one car, much less two.”

“How many cars have we even seen in the past ten minutes?” Even argues. “The road is pretty much dead.”

Isak considers their options for a moment, before letting out a heavy sigh. “Fine. Let’s do it.”

It’s not even thirty seconds later before they meet another car. Because of course they do.

“Fuck,” Isak says, “I knew this would happen.”

“Hey, it’s fine. We can move over to the side, look,” Even says, pointing to their left.

There’s not much room there either, however, but Even does manage to steer the car over to the side and squeeze in uncomfortably close to another car that is parked on someone’s driveway, making the road clear for the other car to pass. And that should be the end of their problems, but it turns out it’s just the start.

The driveway they are temporarily parked on slopes slightly downhill, and where it ends, the ground drops abruptly straight down at least three meters. On top of this the whole surface is completely covered in ice, as if it’s moonlighting as a tiny fucking skating rink. The situation is pretty much made for disaster.

“Oh, shit," Isak says as he notices just how short the distance is between the edge and the front wheels of their car. “We’re gonna roll over the edge.”

"No, we're not," Even says, rolling his eyes.

“Can’t you see the slope of the driveway? We’re literally up against laws of physics!”

“I’ve had my drivers license for almost two years. I know how to drive.”

“There’s so much ice, too,” Isak goes on, barely able to pay attention to Even’s words. He can feel his breathing starting to speed up, along with his pulse. And shit. This is not good.

“Maybe this will be a shock for you but... Norway is covered in snow and ice like half the year,” Even says, and he’s obviously trying to lighten the mood, but the attempt falls flat. “I know how to drive in these conditions, believe me.”

“But what if-”

“Isak,” Even says firmly, cutting him off. Isak finally manages to drag his eyes away from the edge, and turns to look at Even instead. Even smiles softly at him, before reaching over to grab one of Isak’s hands, gently nudging his fingers to get him to loosen his grip on the seat so he can intertwine their fingers together. Isak hadn’t even realised he had been holding on to it at all.

“We’re not gonna roll over the edge,” Even says. He keeps talking but Isak is unable to register anything he says after that, his mind turning back to the edge and the ice and the slope of the driveway and disaster.

Isak takes a deep breath, willing his body to relax. It doesn’t work at all, his brain too much of a whirlwind to calm down. It’s not until Even raises his voice and tugs at Isak’s hand that he manages to turn his attention over to him once again.

“Hey." His voice is somehow soft and firm at the same time, the perfect mix to shift Isak’s focus. Even directs a small smile at him, then starts to rub his thumb slowly over Isak’s in what Isak assumes is an attempt to soothe him. And it works, at least slightly. He eventually matches his breathing to the strokes of Even’s finger, inhaling every time he slides it up over Isak’s thumb, and exhaling when it goes back down. Inhale, up. Exhale, down.

"Relax," Even whispers before leaning closer and pressing their lips together.

The kiss is gentle and reassuring, and exactly what Isak needs. He has no idea how it works, but at the same time he’s not surprised in the least that it does. When they pull apart he barely remembers what he was worrying about in the first place.

Fuck, Isak loves him so much.

Even squeezes his hand. “I’m gonna put the car in reverse and take us back on the road again now. Okay?”

"Okay," Isak says, exhaling deeply as he lets go of Even’s hand so Even can take ahold of the gear shift and put the car in reverse.

He can feel his heartbeat speeding up again, but it barely even has time to start increasing before they’re safely back on the road.

"See, what did I tell you?" Even laughs.

"Shit, fine, whatever,” Isak says distractedly. “Let's just get out of here before we meet another car.”

Even quickly drives them past the short distance of road work that is left, and then the last couple of kilometers to the sports center. They end up getting there fifteen minutes late, but Isak is just happy they got there at all.

He doesn’t even mind when Magnus comes up to them during half-time to complain about how they missed the goal he made (which the referee just conveniently happened to dismiss for some reason). He just smiles, says sorry bro, I’m sure you’ll make another one, and then breathes.

+

Most of the time it’s pretty chill.

It’s soft touches and slow kisses. It’s stupid jokes, watching movies and hanging out with the boys. It’s falling asleep to each other’s whispers, waking up to faces full of light.

But there are also times when it’s something else. When it’s intense and fast and Isak barely has time to breathe. When anything but right now feels too far away, when there is no space left between them but Isak still wants Even closer. Times when it’s too much and not enough, all at once.

And it’s all so good Isak almost can’t believe it’s true.

+

“I love you.”

It’s not the first time.

Even has said it before. Not that often, but through the years the words have been spoken enough times that Isak can’t remember all of them, can’t even give an estimate. Maybe it’s just somewhere around ten times, maybe it’s closer to twenty, or even fifty. No matter which one of those guesses is the closest to the truth, it’s still clear that it’s absolutely not the first time ever. But it is the first time since they actually got together, and that makes such a difference.

The morning sun is forcing its way through the space where the dark blue curtains don’t quite overlap, painting a long bright line over the floor, reaching all the way to the opposite wall. A warm hand strokes over his cheek, a soft smile growing bigger by the second, just because of him. Those blue eyes are so full of emotion when they look right into his, and Isak’s heart skips a beat.

The thing is, while Even has said it before, Isak’s usual reply is just a mumbled “you too”, which is often also rushed enough that the words are barely comprehensible. So far, he’s avoided saying the actual words, feeling unable to let them pass his lips. He’s been too scared of the weight behind them, too scared of the way his thoughts would quickly run to another world, another universe, where the words could mean something else, too.

The only time he has actually used the words was that night after the fight when he wrote them in a text message, but writing them and saying them are two completely different things. Writing is easy. There’s time to think, time to change your mind. There’s no immediate response, no room for tension to build up and change the atmosphere, no facial expressions or body language for you to analyze, and there’s no one there to scrutinize yours.

Considering all of this, it should maybe be difficult for him to say it back. But it’s not. It’s so simple, all because of that one difference. There are no doubts about this anymore, not a single one.

“I love you, too.”

+

“Oh, yours look good. Can I try it?”

Isak looks up at him -- the sounds of the busy cafeteria surrounding them where they sit at their usual table, too impatient to wait for their friends before starting to eat -- then hands over his sandwich without a second thought. He’s so used to sharing his food with Even by now that he has started to expect it, almost waits for him to ask.

When he gets the sandwich back, however, it’s about half as big as the one he gave away.

“Seriously?” Isak says, raising his eyebrows in disbelief.

“What?” Even smirks at him, mouth still full of food.

“You literally ate half my sandwich in one bite.”

“You said I could try it!”

Isak sighs, but he can feel a smile starting to spread over his face even though he tries to sound annoyed as he asks “Why do you always do this?”

“The question is, why do you always say yes if you know what’s gonna happen?”

Isak shrugs, acting as if he doesn’t know, doesn’t care, even though they both know the answer. Even smiles at him before leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek.

“Thanks, baby.”

+

He thinks a lot about how to tell his parents.

First there's pappa. Isak is still so incredibly mad at him, can’t help it. They’ve tried to reconcile, tried to go back to what one was, but it’s not going to work. He still left, still abandoned him and mamma, and a part of Isak will never be able to forgive him for that. They are mostly okay now, though, despite those feelings of anger or resentment that arise sometimes when Isak thinks about their past for too long.

Then there’s mamma. Who is doing slightly better most days, but also worse some others. Who keeps sending him bible verses in the middle of the night. Who still makes Isak feel guilty and disappointed in himself for giving up.

But he wants to tell them about this, wants them to know.

In the end, he’s too scared to do it face to face, can’t look them in their eyes as he tells them. So he sends them both a text message instead, using the physical disconnection as a source of courage he wouldn’t have been able to obtain otherwise.

Pappa is the first one to reply. Starting out by asking I don’t really know if you're joking now?, but he quickly follows it up with saying that he’s happy for him.

And mamma.

It takes a little bit longer for her to answer, the message not coming until the next day. But when it does, her words are so full of love that Isak can’t stop the tears that push their way out and slowly roll down his cheeks.

+

It’s a simple question. It’s a kind of stupid one, considering everything, but Isak still smiles to himself when Magnus asks.

“So, now that Isak is your boyfriend, who is your best friend?”

Even looks slightly taken aback, staring at Magnus for a moment before eventually answering. "You really don't know?"

Magnus frowns, looking as if he's trying to figure out how he has managed to miss something as important as this. He soon shakes his head, apparently giving up. "No? Who is it?"

Even smiles then, small but so full of affection, before turning to look right at Isak.

"It's still Isak."

And it doesn't matter how many times Isak hears that. No matter how many times Even refers to him as his best friend, it never fails to make him feel like the luckiest person alive. Warmth, and happiness so bright it’s almost blinding as it outshines everything else, spread through him. Magnus starts to complain, then, about how Isak can’t be both, how it’s not fair, but Even just rolls his eyes, says it doesn't matter, Isak is always going to be my best friend, and reaches out for Isak's hand.

And there isn't really anything special about this moment, but it's still one of Isak's favourites.

+

“Now, put the butter in and then mix it all together.”

Even looks up to meet Isak’s gaze, unimpressed. “Why am I the only one doing any actual work?”

“I am doing something,” Isak insists, holding up Even’s phone for emphasis. “I’m giving you instructions.”

“You mean bossing me around.”

“Yeah,” Isak smirks.

Even lets out a short laugh before putting his hands in the bowl to do as he had been told. His hair falls in his face as he tilts his head downwards, and Isak’s fingers itch with desire to reach over and brush it away. However, doing that requires him being closer, which in turn means he would have to get off the counter, and he feels pretty content where he’s sitting right now, so he lets it be. There’s plenty of time to run his fingers through Evens hair later.

All the time in the world, actually. At least if Isak has something to say about it.

(And shit. When did he get this fucking sappy? Even is really starting to rub off on him. In more ways than one.)

It's early enough that the sun isn't even up yet. Isak wouldn’t be either if it weren’t for the ridiculous giant next to him, who had decided that making a pie at this ungodly hour would be a great idea. Isak would have gone back to sleep after Even left the bed -- tried to, as well -- but being this close, yet so far away, from Even just made him too impatient to relax. So, it didn’t take long before he grumpily pushed himself out of the bed, put on the first t-shirt he could find in the darkness of his room, and joined Even in the kitchen.

Isak is going to be so dead at school tomorrow.

(Exchanging sleep for this moment with Even might just be worth it though.)

“Also,” Isak continues after a while, “this was your idea, so why should I have to do anything?”

Even shrugs. “I don’t know, to be nice?”

“Nice? I don’t know what that means,” Isak says, making Even let out a snort.

“That’s probably the biggest lie you’ve ever told. You’re like the nicest person I know.”

“You’re only saying that because you’re my boyfriend.”

Even nods slightly in agreement. “Yeah, true.”

Isak stares at him, mouth open in offense, before grabbing a handful of blueberries from the plastic container next to his hip and throwing them at Even’s face.

“Hey!” Even exclaims in surprise.

“Who’s the rude one now?”

Even raises his eyebrows at him in disbelief. “Pretty sure it’s still you, since you threw blueberries at me.”

“That was your own fault,” Isak mutters, and Even rolls his eyes at him.

“They’re supposed to go in the pie, you know? Not on my face. Or the floor,” Even says, pointedly looking down to where at least a dozen berries lie scattered around his bare feet.

Isak glares half-heartedly at him. “Just keep mixing.”

Even laughs lightly, and it’s only a minute later when he says “Done!” and moves to wash his hands. Isak watches as he goes on to carefully measure up blueberries, sugar and potato flour in another bowl according to the recipe as Isak reads it out loud. When Even is done, Isak takes the bowl from him and pours the blueberry mix into the pie dish (see, he does help sometimes), and Even finishes it all by getting the dough and expertly spreading it evenly on top, looking as if he's done this a million times before.

After putting the pie in the oven, Even steps closer to stand between Isak’s legs, one hand softly sliding over Isak’s thigh before stopping to rest on his hip. Isak only has time to blink before Even’s other hand comes up to cup his cheek, and then their lips meet. The kiss is short, but Isak still feels a little dazed when Even pulls back.

(He blames it on his lack of sleep, though. Because it’s been over four months now and Even does not keep affecting him like this. He’s completely chill. Seriously.)

Even’s light chuckle followed by a mumbled “Oops” abruptly brings Isak back to reality. He frowns at Even suspiciously for a moment, leaning back far enough that his back hits the cabinets behind him.

“‘Oops’, what?”

“Uh... your cheek just got... a little purple?” Even admits hesitantly, but he doesn’t look even a little bit regretful about smearing blueberry on Isak’s face. As Isak’s frown deepens Even is quick to add “It looks good though!”, and that combined with the smile he directs at him makes Isak melt. He hurriedly pulls Even in for another kiss in an attempt to hide how completely gone he is, even though he’s sure Even already knows, so it’s not as if it would make any difference if he did see it.

Even moves back again after a moment, and Isak can tell from the expression on his face that he has just gotten an idea. One that Isak will most likely not approve of. A few seconds later he’s proven right when Even shifts his gaze down to the counter to Isak’s left.

“No,” Isak warns.

Even smirks at him. “I’m not doing anything.”

“I’m serious, don’t even think about it,” Isak says, but he can feel a smile starting to form on his face before he even finishes the sentence.

Even raises an eyebrow at him, his eyes not leaving Isak’s for even a second as he stretches one of his hands towards the leftover blueberries still in the plastic container. The tip of his pointer finger is covered in juice from the berries when he pulls it back, and Isak doesn’t have time to stop him before he slides his finger down the bridge of Isak’s nose.

“Hva faen, Even.” He had intended for the words to come off as annoyed, but they just sound fond.

Fucking shit. Get it together.

Even smiles at him, and then pecks him on the tip of his nose. “Purple looks great on you.”

Isak hums thoughtfully. Two can play this game. “I bet it would look even better on you.”

And that’s how it starts. Hands fumble quickly to find their way into the blueberries and back to slide over any part of the other they can reach. The amount of space covered in purple increases by the second. The streaks on Isak’s face get accompanied by a couple more, on his forehead and across his lips. There are lines dragged over Even’s shirt, almost an entire hand print on each of Isak’s bare thighs, smudged patches on Even’s neck, drops across the counter, and even a few streaks through Even’s hair.

“What are you doing?”

Isak doesn’t even notice Linn until she speaks, but the sound of her voice makes him stop abruptly, his hand hanging in the air, just centimeters away from where he was about to smear some more blueberries on Even’s cheek. He looks at her for a moment, trying to find his words, but Even beats him to it.

“Making a pie,” he says as if that’s the most ordinary thing one could be doing in the middle of the night.

(As if covering each other with blueberries is a usual part of the process.)

Linn apparently does not agree, because she narrows her eyes at them. “At five in the morning?”

“Yep.”

“Okay,” she says, dragging out the word skeptically as she pushes off the doorframe and makes her way over to the sink to fill up the water bottle she’s holding. “You better clean up the mess before you’re done, though. Noora and Eskild would not be happy if they saw this.”

“No worries, we will,” Even smiles at her, and she tiredly shakes her head at them before leaving the kitchen to, most likely, return to her bedroom.

When they’re alone again, Isak looks down to inspect the mess they’ve made of themselves and pulls a face. “We’re gonna need a shower now.”

“Oh, no,” Even smirks, and Isak rolls his eyes at him.

“How long is it supposed to be in the oven?”

“You’re the one who was reading the recipe,” Even points out amusedly.

“Oh, right,” Isak says, picking up Even’s phone again to find the information. “15-20 minutes.”

“Well, we better hurry up then,” Even says with a suggestive raise of his eyebrows, before abruptly turning around and walking out of the kitchen.

The short amount of time it takes for Isak to hop off the counter and get to the bathroom is probably embarrassing, but he can’t find it in himself to care in the least.

+

The time passes as it always does, but Isak doesn’t keep track. Can’t do it. It could be afternoon, or night, or even the next morning. Has it been one hour, or one week? Isak doesn’t know. Everything looks the same. No changes.

The room stays dark, the curtains pulled tightly together to block any chance of natural light. Apart from the handful of whispered words that manage to push their way out, the silence is surrounding them during the entire time.

And Even is still lying in Isak’s bed.

Because the thing is, when there’s darkness everywhere it doesn’t matter what time it is. It doesn’t make any difference.

+

Kattehookern og vennene hans

20.53

Even

Ok my place at 7 tomorrow.

Mahdi

Nice

Magnus

YES EVEN!!

(Y)

Even

Isak you can come right after school though.

;)

Jonas

here we go again

Mahdi

Yeah I bet he will come....

Magnus

Maybe we should have it somewhere else??

Ooooh bro

Jonas

Hahahaha

MAHDI

Mahdi

go get some Isak

Even

Don’t worry guys 3 hours is enough.

Probably

Maybe

Oh my god Even

Even

♥

I hate all of you

♥

Jonas

wow

Magnus

What the fuck guys

Jonas

I’m getting some mixed signals here...

Even

♥♥♥

Mahdi

Please stop.

we get enough of this irl

Even

♥♥♥♥♥

Magnus

yeah Mahdi I agree

.....

Even what are you doing right now?

Jonas

pls don’t

Magnus

Stop

Even

I was gonna finish some homework but I’m guessing you have a better idea

Yes ;)

Mahdi

NO

Jonas

Guys... this is a group chat

Even

See you in 15 min ♥

♥

Mahdi

BYE

+

They’ve not even been on the bike for five minutes when the first raindrop hits them.

Isak is sitting on the back of the bike, laughing as Even tells him a ridiculous story involving his cousin, a trampoline and an inflatable couch. His hands are gripping Even’s hips as they make their way back to Isak’s place, partly to not fall off, but mostly just because he can. Because he wants to. And the day has been great. Up until now.

It just starts out as a light drizzle, so they keep going. But it doesn’t take long at all before they come to the realisation that they might have made a mistake. Soon the sky completely opens up and the rain starts pouring down unrelentlessly, as if someone turned on a tap, and then forgot to turn it off, letting the water just keep running without an end in sight. The great amount of rain leaves them drenched within seconds, their clothes clinging to their bodies, hair lying flat and looking like it's glued down to their heads. As if all of that wasn’t bad enough, a flash of lightning suddenly illuminates the sky ahead of them, closely followed by a roar of thunder.

“Shit,” Isak says, but it’s barely audible over the weather.

There’s no point stopping now, though. They’re already wet, have probably reached the limit for how wet a human being could possibly be, so whether they stop or keep going doesn't make a difference in that aspect anymore. But still, it's not like they want to spend more time outside than they have to. Isak also has to admit that the thunder is starting to become a tad worrying. They’re in the middle of the city, though, surrounded by tall buildings, so they should be fine.

(Right?)

As if the weather wasn’t enough of a problem, they are met with another one as they turn to cross another street and almost get hit by a car. It's not as bad as it sounds; the car is parked by the side of the street up until the moment when they are right in front of it. At that point the idiot behind the wheel apparently decides it's time to get out of there, and starts driving.

It’s close, but thanks to Even's fast reflexes they manage to veer out of the way before they get hit. Despite this, and the fact that they have no chance of hearing him, Isak still curses the driver, glaring after them as the car disappears down the street.

Luckily, the rest of the way to kollektivet goes by without any further trouble. When they get back to the street where the apartment building is situated, Even steers them over to the door and they quickly get off the bike, leaving it out in the rain as they run inside to take cover.

"You wanna borrow some clothes?" Isak asks as he leads Even up the stairs and through the apartment, ignoring the puddles of water they leave behind them as they go. "You’re soaking wet."

"So are you," Even points out.

"Yeah, and I’m gonna change," Isak says, heading straight for his wardrobe as they get to his room and starting to search through the mess inside for some dry, and hopefully at least fairly clean, clothes for them to put on.

"Here," he says a moment later, throwing a change of clothes at Even, who catches them and puts them on the chair next to himself before he begins to tug off his wet shirt, somewhat awkwardly since the water makes it stick to his skin.

Well, shit.

It’s not like Isak hasn’t seen this before, they’ve been together for about half a year now, and even before that he saw Even without a shirt now and then. But still. Every time is just as good as the last, and he can’t stop staring as Even drags the shirt higher and higher, revealing more and more skin by the second.

When Even finally gets the shirt all the way off, he turns to face Isak, who hasn't moved at all since he threw the clothes at Even. It’s not until Even clears his throat pointedly that Isak snaps out of whatever trance like state he had been caught up in and manages to shift his gaze up to meet Even’s eyes, a blush rapidly spreading over his cheeks.

“Shut up,” he laughs, breaking eye contact again as he quickly changes the subject. “Go and be useful instead and get us some towels from the bathroom.”

Even just smirks at him for a moment before leaving the room to do just that. Isak reluctantly starts to take off his own clothes, the hesitation not because he doesn’t want to get them off, but because he’s tired and uncomfortable and just wishes he was done already. The pieces of clothing make gross, wet sounds as they hit the wooden floorboards of Isak’s room.

He’s standing there in only a dry pair of underwear when Even walks back into the room, throwing a towel at him fast enough that he doesn’t have time to catch it. Instead it hits him in the face, somehow managing to unfold in its flight through the air, landing over Isak’s head and completely blocking his view. Even’s laughter is clear as it rings out over the slight creak as the door is shut closed.

"Asshole," Isak mutters as he drags the towel down to start drying himself off, and he tries to sound annoyed but he knows his smile is betraying him. He’s used to it by now though, can’t really hide how he feels about Even anymore. Not that he wants to, but still.

They change the rest of their clothes in relative silence, both wanting it over with as soon as possible. Isak does glance over at Even a few times, because how is he supposed to resist when he has his boyfriend in his room, half-naked? He settles for just looking, though, too tired to start something up.

When they’re finally dry and dressed, leaving their clothes in a wet pile on the floor, Isak looks over at Even again, properly this time. He drags his eyes slowly down his body, appreciating the view, before stopping abruptly when he gets to his ankles. He has no chance of holding back the laugh that bursts out of him at the sight.

“Shut up,” Even laughs while tugging at the sweatpants Isak had given him, which are noticeably too short.

Isak throws his hands up in mock surrender and grins at him. “Sorry, I just forgot I was dating a giant.”

“Hey! Watch it,” Even threatens half-heartedly, the smile on his face taking all the seriousness out of it. He pulls at the side of the sweatpants again, as if that would magically make them longer.

Isak rolls his eyes at him, and then they just stand there in silence for another moment before Even gives up trying to make the pants fit better, instead moving past Isak to lie down on the bed, letting out a sigh as his back hits the mattress.

"I'm gonna take a nap, I'm exhausted. You’re not exactly light," Even teases as he spreads out on the bed, hands coming up to rest under his head.

Isak snorts at that. "Shut up and move over, I need a nap as well."

"Why?" Even asks, staying where he is, not showing any intention of moving at all. "You were just sitting on the back of the bike, how can you be tired?"

Isak huffs, fake offended, before quickly taking his revenge. Even barely has time to blink before Isak is on top of him, straddling his hips. Isak uses one hand to pin Even’s hands to the bed while the other attacks Even's stomach, tickling him everywhere he can reach. Laughing uncontrollably, Even tries to switch their positions, but without luck, probably too tired to muster up the energy he needs to flip them over. Or maybe he just doesn’t care that much about who is on top. He does, however, manage to free his hands, and starts tickling Isak right back. They keep it up for another couple of minutes, fingers running all over the other's body, trying to find every ticklish spot there is, before they eventually decide on a truce.

They just lie there for a while after that, Isak still on top of Even, grinning stupidly at each other as they try to catch their breaths. Even slowly brings his hands up to Isak's head, carding his fingers through his hair for a moment, just looking into his eyes. Then, slowly but with intent, he pulls him down for a kiss.

"Thought you wanted a nap?" Isak says when they break apart, their mouths still so close together that he can feel Even's breath hit his lips.

"I did, but this is better."

Isak grins down at him before closing the small distance between them to press their lips together again, suddenly feeling a lot less tired than he did only a couple of minutes ago. Even's right hand instantly grabs a tighter hold of Isak's hair to pull him closer, while his other hand slides down over Isak's shoulders before it starts stroking his back.

Deepening the kiss and letting their tongues meet, Isak feels Even's hand move down his side before dipping in under his t-shirt to touch his skin. The skin on skin contact makes Isak gasp, disconnecting their mouths for a moment. Even immediately moves to press kisses across Isak's cheek and down his throat instead, stopping to suck a mark into his neck. Isak fists his hand into Even's t-shirt in response, and after that it doesn't take long before Even slowly starts grinding his hips up against Isak's.

“Fuck, Even,” he groans as Even brings his hand down to grab Isak's ass.

And fuck yes.

Encouraged by Even's hand, Isak picks up the speed a bit, pushing their hips together with more intent. Isak can feel himself getting hard and he knows they probably shouldn't do this here when Eskild, Noora and Linn are all home, only meters away, but he can't bring himself to stop it. Even feels too good under him, his mouth still alternating between kissing and sucking on Isak's neck and his dick hard where it rubs against Isak's through all those layers of clothing.

Why did they even bother to get dressed again?

"Hey, Isak?"

Eskild’s voice along with a knock on Isak’s door interrupts them just as Even brings his other hand over to start pulling down Isak's sweatpants. Or at least that’s what Isak was hoping for, but since he stopped before he got further than Isak’s hip he’ll probably never know for sure. Unfortunately.

Surprisingly, Eskild doesn’t open the door, which means they don't have to move apart just yet. Even still withdraws his mouth from Isak’s neck though, and Isak is grateful for the loss of contact since he might actually be able to focus on Eskild’s words now.

“Yeah?”

"Are you gonna mop up all the water?" Eskild asks, sounding irritated. "I almost slipped in it when I walked into the living room."

"Yeah. Of course. I'll-" his voice breaks slightly as Even chooses that moment to grind their hips together again. Glaring down at him, which only makes Even smirk smugly, Isak continues. "I'll do it in a minute."

“Okay, good,” Eskild says, and then the sounds of his footsteps can be heard, getting quieter as he moves away from the door.

With that conversation over, Even brings one hand back to squeeze Isak's ass, making him let out a soft moan, and it's as if the interruption never even happened. Isak reaches up to cup Even's face, slotting their mouths together again. He can feel Even's smile against his lips and all of it almost gets too much. Too good.

Getting caught up in the kiss, Isak doesn't hear Eskild again until it's too late.

“Isak, do you know where-” Eskild starts, but he stops mid-sentence as he bursts into the room and sees the two of them on the bed.

Isak groans as he breaks the kiss, letting his head fall down to land on Even’s shoulder. “Eskild!”

"What?"

“What do you want?” Isak asks tiredly, looking up at him in annoyance.

"Oh, right. Do you know where the good knife is?" he recovers smoothly, not showing any signs of being particularly surprised by the scene he walked in on. Which, fine. It’s not like it’s the first time. "I can't find it."

Isak clears his throat, forcing himself to focus on Eskild's question rather than his very warm boyfriend under him. "Uh, yeah. I used it when I made dinner last night, so it’s probably still in the dishwasher."

"You made dinner? You?” Eskild asks, acting shocked.

“I did!” Isak protests, and then he can feel Even trying to subtly shake his head at Eskild from underneath him. “Hey! ”

“Oh, that’s what I thought,” Eskild says with a nod, before shifting his gaze down to the floor where their wet clothes are still laying, completely forgotten by now. The sight makes him crinkle his nose in disgust. “Ugh, why are you so messy? Seriously, I need you to clean up the water in the living room in the next five minutes or you’re gonna have to pay more rent.”

Isak just rolls his eyes at the empty threat. “Yeah, yeah. We’ll be out soon, don’t worry.”

Eskild gives him one last look before turning around and leaving the room. He even closes the door behind him, and Isak sighs as he lowers his head down to Even’s shoulder again.

“I need to move out,” he mumbles into Even’s neck. “I mean, I love it here but... I just want my own space, you know. Where we’re not interrupted every five seconds.”

Even hums thoughtfully, his hand starting to stroke over Isak’s back again. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

“Do what?”

“Move out. You and me.”

Isak stops breathing for a moment, not expecting that at all. Then, when he finally manages to get some air into his lungs again, he leans up on his elbows to look Even in the eyes, trying to find any hints of a joke in there but finding nothing but love. “As in, move in together?”

“Yeah,” Even says.

Isak doesn’t have to think long. He probably should, but he doesn't. He knows it's a big decision, knows he should consider both pros and cons, calmly and thoroughly. But all he needs to know is already there. He knows it might be too soon, knows it's not always going to be easy, doesn't expect it to magically fix any problems or make the difficult times stop coming. But he also knows how unbelievably good it would be, how much he wants it, all of it. With Even. So while he could spend more time thinking about it, would it really make a difference if he did, in the end?

No. He knows it wouldn’t.

“Okay.”

+

Isak can’t remember how -- or more accurately why -- they ended up on the ground, but that’s what had happened, and now the five of them are sitting there in an uneven circle, not really doing much at all.

It’s starting to get dark, and there are mosquitos everywhere. Mahdi has a lighter in one hand to defend himself, and uses the flame to kill every single one of them that comes too close to him. The insects fall lifeless onto the sidewalk next to his feet, Magnus pushing them into a pile of death with his fingers. It’s weird, and macabre, but it’s just mosquitos, and they are annoying as fuck. So. Good riddance.

“Okay, a question,” Magnus says, breaking the silence and looking up to where Isak is sitting with Even’s head in his lap. “When did you actually fall in love with each other?”

Isak frowns, his fingers stilling in Even’s hair. “What? Why do you even want to know?”

“Because Jonas, Mahdi and I were talking about it a while back and we know it’s been like forever,” he says, pausing to roll his eyes after the last word, “but then we couldn’t agree on exactly when it happened.”

“Don’t you have better things to do than talk about us?”

“Not really,” Magnus says, unfazed.

“Yeah, you’re just really interesting,” Mahdi adds sarcastically, making Jonas let out a laugh.

“So when was it?” Magnus pushes.

Isak glances down at Even to find that he’s already looking at him, a smile lighting up his face. He turns his head over in Isak’s lap to face the other boys, his hair falling in his eyes for a moment before Isak reaches out to brush it away.

“I can’t really remember,” Even starts. “I think I was like, fourteen or something.”

Had Isak been drinking something, he would most definitely be choking on it by now, because what the fuck?

“Fourteen? ”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“That’s like six years, Even!”

“Wow, look at the math genius,” Even smirks, and Isak starts to push him off his lap in offense, but Even quickly wraps his arms around Isak’s waist to stay exactly where he is.

When Isak finally gives up and stops struggling to get him off, Even moves one hand to the back of Isak’s neck, pulling him down into a soft kiss.

“I can’t believe you,” Isak says as he sits up again, adjusting his snapback which had almost fallen off due to the way Isak had to bend down to be able reach Even's lips.

“What?”

“You really liked me all this time, without doing anything about it?”

“I was waiting for the right moment.”

“For six fucking years?”

“What can I say, you’re worth waiting for,” Even winks, and Isak barely has time to even register his words -- or the fact that Even still can't wink properly despite directing at least three in Isak's direction every day -- before Magnus lets out a groan.

“Jesus Christ, I almost regret asking.”

Mahdi nods in agreement. “Yeah, have some respect for your three, very single, friends. This is too much.”

“Seriously,” Jonas says, reaching behind him towards the grass, grabbing a handful and quickly throwing it in their direction. “Please stop talking now.”

“Okay,” Isak shrugs, directing a smirk at them before leaning down to kiss Even again.

He might make it a bit deeper this time, longer and more emotional than he normally would when they’re with the boys, just to annoy them. But honestly, that’s what they get for ruining the moment. They just have to deal with it.

+

The pictures that once covered the wall over Isak’s desk, then filled up a box that was tucked in somewhere in the back of his closet, now gets to adorn the empty spaces of the new apartment. Their new apartment.

The collection has grown over the years, so he can’t really put them all up, but he chooses his favourites, thinks carefully about where to put them, where they would fit. The ones that don’t get chosen he keeps in the box, memories stacked away like a secret.

+

Even 11:21 - Come to the kitchen.

Isak 11:21 - i’m sleeping

Even 11:22 - No, you’re not. Come on

Isak 11:22 - Why

Even 11:22 - Our song is on the radio

Isak 11:22 - ??? We don’t have a song

Even 11:22 - Yes we do?

Isak 11:22 - Then what is it?

Even 11:23 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4BLVznuWnU

Isak 11:23 - What the fuck??

Isak 11:23 -That’s not our song!

Even 11:24 - I pretty much serenaded you with this, how could you forget?

Isak 11:24 - Even you do that with every single song

Even 11:24 - Just come here. We both know you want to

Isak 11:24 - i can’t believe you’re forcing me out of bed before noon.

Even 11:25 - You love me.

Isak 11:25 - Hm...

Isak 11:25 - Maybe a little bit

Even 11:25 - ♥

+

Sometimes it’s two in the morning and Isak’s mind gets stuck in one track, unable to get out no matter how much he tries. No matter how much he pulls and pushes and twists and turns, it’s completely unyielding.

What if, it says.

What if he didn’t go to the playground that day? What if he had been sick? What if mamma had taken him to another playground? What if Even hadn’t been there? What if Even had been there, but didn’t talk to him?

Or.

What if he had said no when Even asked him if he wanted to hang out that day? That day when everything changed. What if Even hadn’t brought up the subject about what he had been thinking about? What if he hadn’t asked Isak that question? What if Isak hadn’t leaned over and kissed him?

There are so many parallel universes out there, an infinite amount of possible realities. What are the odds of him ending up in this one? What did he ever do to deserve this?

It keeps going like that, on and on, spinning more and more out of his control.

But then there’s a hand running through his hair, or arms tightening their grip around him, or lips pressing softly against his neck, and he’s dragged back to reality, dragged back to their bed, in their place. And he’s finally able to think clearly again. Those thoughts don’t even matter, they don’t make any difference. Because how could it ever be any other way? No matter which universe he’s in, how could it ever turn out any different than this?

It can’t.

Because this is how it was always supposed to be. The two of them, together.

This is where he’s meant to be.

+

The grass on the field is still long, but not as long as it used to be, only reaching their knees this time. But everything else is exactly the same -- the stream that glitters in the sunset, the big concrete pipe Isak is sitting on, Even looking for rocks.

He’s sitting there, watching Even almost slip into the stream, when a thought hits him out of nowhere. A thought that has been hidden so far back in his mind he had forgotten all about it until this moment.

“Shit! I just remembered we hid that rock here!” Isak exclaims, and Even looks up at him with a frown. It turns into a wide smile a few seconds later as realisation hits him and he starts to walk back over to Isak.

“You think it’s still here?” Isak asks.

“Only one way to find out,” Even says as he bends down next to the pipe and starts moving some of the rocks. Isak sits there and watches him, almost buzzing with anticipation and excitement.

“Yes!” Even laughs after a minute, and then he stands up, the heart-shaped rock in his hand. It’s even more beautiful than Isak’s memory of it.

“We should take it home,” Even says quietly as he hands it over.

“You don’t want to keep it here?” Isak asks, dragging his thumb over the side of the rock to wipe off some dirt.

Even takes a step closer then, leaving only centimeters between them. His hands come up to rest on Isak’s cheeks, his eyes staring into Isak’s with too much emotion, and then he leans in. The kiss is soft and short, but there is so much love wrapped up in it that Isak would’ve probably fallen off the pipe had Even not been holding onto him.

When Even pulls back, he doesn’t go far. He gently rubs his nose against Isak’s for a moment, then leans back slightly so he can look him in the eyes again. With a smile on his lips, and close enough that Isak can feel his breath hit his face, he whispers five words that make Isak feel invincible.

“It’s not a secret anymore.”