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“Kid, I’ve been meaning to ask you…how did you get here? To the underground?”
I was sitting by the fishing rod next to the river in Snowdin. Sans, apparently, had followed me. How…active of him.
I continued to stare at the moving water. “I fell.”
I heard bones creaking as Sans settled to sit beside. “Do ya really expect me to believe that, kid? You ‘fell’? Into a hole in a mountain? Why won’t ya tell me what really happened? We’re friends, aren’t we? Don'tcha trust me?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “That’s what really happened, Sans. You can believe me or not, but the truth is that I fell. Nothing more nefarious.”
Sans leaned back on his hands, contemplating my answer. “Well, what were you doin' up on the mountaintop in the first place?”
For the first time, I shifted my gaze. “I…went up there sometimes. To…think.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Sans nodding thoughtfully. “Think about what?”
I began tracing my fingers in the dirt around me, trying to preoccupy myself. “About…what it’d be like to not be alive anymore. What it’d be like not to be sick anymore. Just…at peace.”
A skeletal hand reached out to lace its fingers between my own. “Did you…?”
I huffed. “No, Sans. I didn’t jump. I already told you, I honestly, legitimately, cross-my-heart fell. Lost my footing like an idiot. Like I had been warned not to.”
I took a deep breath. “But…even though it was an accident…I was so happy. For the first time in a long time. I felt relief as I fell because I figured…”
“You figured the fall would kill you.”
I swallowed, not sure why I had felt the need to share that unnecessary piece of information with Sans. I didn’t want him to think he needed to worry about me. “But, I didn’t try to kill myself, so it doesn’t count as a suicide attempt. I wouldn’t do that. You don’t have to worry about it.”
Sans managed to smile even though his teeth were always showing. “I never hafta worry about you, kid. Doesn’t mean I won’t.”
I bowed my head in shame. “I wish you wouldn’t. My family already does.”
Sans chuckled softly. “There isn’t a limit to how many people can worry n' care aboutcha , kid.”
“I wish there was,” I muttered under my breath.
Apparently, Sans heard me. “Now, why would ya wish for somethin' like that?”
“Because! My family doesn’t deserve to be worried about me all the time! And neither do my friends. If I could, I’d make it so no one worries about me.”
“Kid, you’re not the only person people worry 'bout.”
“I know. I just wish that I could be one less.”
Sans shifted to face me more head-on, his hand slipping away from mine. “Look, who toldja worrying is such a big deal? People worry, that’s what they do for people they love.”
I clenched my hands into fists. “I don’t want to make other people unhappy, Sans. Is that so hard to believe?”
Sans tilted his head back, looking thoughtful. “You don’t want t'make other people unhappy. But what about you, kid?”
I focused on the movement of the water in front of us. “I’m fine.”
Sans scoffed. “Yeah. That’s why ya wanted to die an' worry about people worrying about you. Cuz' you’re fine."
“Okay. I’m not fine. Now what?”
Sans looked confused. “Whaddaya mean, ‘now what’?”
I huffed. “I mean, what good does it do for me to admit it? So I’m not fine. A lot of people aren't fine. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. Saying it out loud doesn’t change anything, Sans. Telling people that I’m not fine will only make them worry more. And they’ll try to fix me, but they can’t. Trust me. So it’s better just to pretend that I am fine. So I don’t hurt other people…like I did before.”
Sans crossed his legs in front of him, staring at his own slippers. “That might be the way it’s been before, kid, but that doesn’t mean it has t'be that way.”
“Yes, it does, Sans. For some reason, good people are the ones who care about me. And good people…they hurt when others hurt, especially if they can’t do anything about it. Knowing me is just setting up those people for pain. So it’s better that they don’t know.”
“Human, I’m offended! Are you saying I’m not ‘good people’?” Sans grinned at me, his skull softly glowing in the moonlight.
I felt my cheeks heat up. “I…I didn’t mean to tell you. You’re just…really easy to talk to.”
Sans winked. “Well now, I’m flattered.” His expression became slightly more serious. “Y’know, if the thing that makes people ‘good’ is the fact that they care if other people get hurt…doesn’t that make you ‘good people’, too? For tryin' ta protect them?”
I hunched my shoulders a bit to avoid his eyes. “If you wanna believe that, Sans, go right ahead. But good people don’t hurt the people they care about just by being who they are.”
“I definitely agree with that.” Sans wiggled his feet a bit before he continued. “Who told you that you hurt people just by bein' who you are, kid?”
I picked at the dirt under my fingernails. “No one had to tell me. I worked it out for myself.”
Sans hummed noncommittally.
For some reason, I continued. “I’m a burden, Sans. I’m sick and it won’t suddenly go away. And…in the human world, people got tired of…dealing with that. Y’know, living with someone who slept too much, then stayed up all night; laid in bed instead of showering or eating or doing anything normal fucking humans are supposed to do on a daily basis. They cared about me, but they got tired of reminding me to brush my teeth, or do my homework, or…just take care of myself better than a fucking toddler would.”
I straightened up a bit. “It’s better this way. They probably figure I died in an accident, like I really should’ve. They’ll mourn me, and miss me, and then they’ll be able to go about their lives the way they would’ve always been if I hadn’t existed.”
For the first time, Sans looked solemn. “Kid, you gotta know that’s not what would happen. C’mon; it’s never that easy.”
I looked down at my lap, clasping my hands together. “Can’t I dream, Sans? Can’t I have this one good thing? That my family can finally be happy, now that I’m gone?”
Sans initiated contact for the first time that night, pulling me to lean against him. “What kind of happy would it be without you in it, kid? How can you think that anyone who loves you would wantcha gone? Presumed dead?”
I turned my face into his jacket, my voice muffled. “You don’t understand, Sans. I’m broken, and I break everything I touch. My family was fine before I got sick—”
“Kid, the stuff you’re telling me now…didja ever tell your family? Did they know ya feel this way?”
I picked at the hood of his jacket, trying to find the words. “I…I told them about my symptoms in the beginning. But…eventually, my mom told me not to use my depression as an excuse. So I stopped talking about it. Anyway, even when I did tell them, I didn’t get very far because…it scared them. The shit going on in my head. My…my dad told me once that if he ever knew I had contemplated suicide…it would break him. And my mom agreed. So I knew…I knew I couldn’t do that to them.”
I swallowed, trying to make sense to Sans so he’d understand. “That’s when I started hanging out on the mountaintop a lot…There wasn’t anyone for me to disappoint, up there. And being there alone was the closest to peace I’ve been in a long time. My thoughts are easier to ignore when I’m in nature, I’ve found. That’s why I…” I gestured to the river in front of use, trying to indicate I came here for the same reason. Words weren’t coming to me very easily.
But Sans nodded like he understood. “Look, uh…I don’t like ya bein' out here all by yourself. I wanna take ya back to my place—”
I pushed back against his chest, struggling to break his hold. “No, you can’t! You have to keep me away from Papyrus, Sans! He’s just the kind of person who would…who would be hurt by me.”
Somehow, Sans managed to look at me with a soft expression on his skull. “I hate to break it t’you, kid, but you’re not gonna be able ta keep anyone in Snowdin from carin' about ya. We’re already a lost cause.”
I wilted a bit in his arms, a pang of guilt hitting me square in the chest. “Oh, okay. I can…I can move on a bit. Keep going until I come to a place where they don’t know me yet—”
“Whoa, whoa! Kid, I didn’t tell ya that t'make you feel guilty. I toldja that to…to make you realize that you’re not alone. We’re all here for you. We don’t wantcha goin' anywhere, and we definitely don’t wantcha to change. We jus' want ta help.”
I retreated into myself even more. “You can’t help me. People have tried. I’m just…This is just how I am.” I trailed off, mumbling to myself.
A bone finger gently tilted my chin up until I was face-to-face with Sans. “You’re not a burden. You’re not a mistake. You’re not broken, or more trouble than you’re worth, or anything else the voices in your head are tellin' ya right now. You are loved, you are worthy of love, and you deserve to exist, just the way you are.”
My face crumpled. I wanted so badly to believe him. I whispered my deepest fear. “What if…what if after getting to know me better…you change your mind? What if you realize I’m not worth the trouble after all?” That would hurt the most; Sans giving up on me, after I had already given up on myself.
Sans pulled me firmly into a hug, and I sank gratefully into the softness of his layers of clothing. Next to my head, I heard him murmur, right before I felt us teleport (presumably to his house), “I won’t. I’ll never give up on you. And I’ll spend every day proving it.”