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“Alex?”
“Hm?”
“Why do you love me?” John’s question came out in an airy, absent voice, his mind seeming to be somewhere in another far off world. Laurens was laying on his stomach on their bed, the side of his head resting on his flat hands like a pillow. There was a warm heat next to him and a gentle hand was trailing lines over the constellations that were John’s freckles; that heated mass was Alexander.
“Why do I love you?” Alex repeated the question softly, thinking he hadn’t heard his lover correctly. The answers seemed pretty obvious to him, so why would John even wonder?
“I don’t understand how you can.” John’s eyes remained planted on the wall opposite of Hamilton, wanting to avoid his gaze at all costs. “I’m such a mess.”
Alex’s eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. “You say that as though I have my life perfectly mapped out.”
“You do. Or, at least a lot better than I do.” John took in a deep breath. “Think, Alex. What man do you know that suffers from anxiety like me?”
“John, plenty of grown ups suffer from stuff like this-”
“And what man- a fully grown man- cowers at the mention of his own family?”
Alexander didn’t say anything, opting to shift closer and press his body against John’s side, still drawing figures on his tanned skin.
The next comment came out in nothing above a whisper. “I’m not good looking at all. My freckles are too overpowering.” Alexander felt John’s body squirming under the attention it was currently receiving and it made his heart ache. “My lips are so…” Gentle. “Lackluster. And my body,” is perfectly toned and crafted. “is far too full in the places I don’t want it to be. I don’t see how you can take me out and not be embarrassed.”
“You are far mistaken, my dear. I adore your freckles,” The words were punctuated by Alexander pressing his lips against John’s freckled shoulder repeatedly, humming quietly in quaint security. “Your lips are utterly kissable to the highest degree, it should be considered a crime.” If John hadn’t been facing the other way Alexander would have pressed a kiss against his lips in that moment too. “And your body is something only achieved through hard work and perseverance. You’re an adonis. Nothing below the Gods. Why bless a mere mortal like me with a prospect like you? I admire all that you are, my love.”
John snorted. Not in a mocking way, but definitely in a way to portray his disagreement on all of Alexander’s statements.
So, Alex sat up, gently crawling on top of John’s body, moving to straddle his legs. Gentle hands worked their way up John's back to his shoulders, massaging out a few loose knots here and there, before they ultimately settled in Laurens’ hair. Alex could hear John letting out an involuntary sigh when his fingers rubbed at his sensitive scalp, and he couldn’t help but smile softly.
“Tell me, what is the meaning of all this?” Alexander asked softly, pulling a few stands in between his fingers to twirl.
A puff of air escaped John’s mouth and he remained silent for a moment. “It’s a puzzle that you can put up with me. I know I’m a handful and I bring about more pain that anything. That’s plain and simple, especially to my family.”
“That isn’t true, John. You know your family was already messed up before everything happened. You managed to get out of there after realizing that things were not going to be okay for you-”
“Why can’t I just be the perfect child my dad always wanted? Why do I have to make everything so difficult?”
Alexander gathered all of John’s hair in his hands and lifted it up, revealing his bare neck. His lips met John’s exposed skin softly and he mumbled, “You are perfect. You’ve got the heart of a warrior, and the mind of a genius. No matter what you’re dad says.” From his position on top of John, Alex leaned back and started carding his fingers through the curls bundled on John’s head.
“What am I doing for our relationship, Alex? What am I doing for anybody here? My art isn’t doing so great-”
“Every artist has rough patches, John, that doesn’t invalidate your talent.”
“I haven’t brought home a big paycheck in quite a while-”
“Money isn’t the most important thing, and so long as my paycheck is keeping us off the streets then that’s all that matters.”
John let out a low groan and buried his face straight into his actual pillow. “But I should be helping, maybe getting a second job to help cover groceries, or utilities or something-”
“John, hush.” Alex kissed his shoulder again and slowly started to part his boyfriend’s hair into three easily holdable sections. Without much thought, the pieces started to fold over one another in his hands. “We’re surviving, and you’re chasing your dreams. That’s the most important thing, isn’t it?” It wasn’t like the two of them were living far below the poverty line, Alexander’s job as a lawyer was paying for their month-to-month lives. And John was bringing in some money with each commision or job he was receiving through the talent agencies. Alexander wasn’t doing all the work alone.
“That’s the thing, Alex,” John spoke quietly, muffled further into the soft pillow. “I don’t just want to survive, I want to live. And I want you to do the same. It seems like I’m the thing holding you back from doing so.”
Alexander’s eyes wandered over John’s head as his hands slowly molded those curls into one beautiful, long braid. “John, I live because of you. I can’t imagine a world where I don’t live in this little apartment in the middle of Manhattan with my outrageously handsome boyfriend. You’re my everything, no matter what happened in the past. All that matters is the now.” As Alex finished off the braid, he pushed it off to the side and planted another kiss on John’s neck.
The man in question was rendered silent, and Alexander couldn’t help but smile, knowing that he had gotten the one up on him.
“Hey.”
John's eyes were still closed and a light pink started dusting his freckled cheeks. Alex couldn't help but admire him; he was simply gorgeous.
“Yeah?”
“I love you, John.”
Alex laid a kiss on the corner of John’s mouth and felt a wave of satisfaction wash over him at the small (almost stubborn) grin that stretched across John’s lips.
“Love you too, Alex.”