Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“An important room, this. After all, it is a chocolate factory,” Willy Wonka said.

“Then why is the door so small?” Mike Teavee asked.

“It’s to keep all the great, big, chocolatey flavor inside!” The chocolatier giggled, then he unlocked the tiny door with one of his many keys and opened up the entire wall, leading into an enormous room. The entire tour group, consisting of five children, their five respective guardians, and Willy Wonka, entered the room and gazed at the wonderment that lay before them.

It was a large room laid with bright green grass, lollipop trees, candy cane trees, candy apple trees, candy pumpkins, cotton candy plants, ice cream cone bushes, and marshmallow mushrooms. Most amazing of all, there was a giant chocolate waterfall that crashed into a chocolate river, which ran through the entire room.

“Now, do be careful, my dear children. Don’t lose your heads, don’t get overexcited. Just keep very calm,” Wonka said.

Mr. Wonka was a strange case; he was known as the “Chocolate Magician” all over the world, and he was known just as well for his amazing and fantastic confectioneries; however, for about thirteen years, he stayed secluded inside his factory with no public appearances whatsoever. Then, in early 2005, he announced a contest in which he sent out five Golden Tickets hidden in five of his Wonka Bars. Whoever found one of these tickets was able to be his guest in his factory for one whole day. That day being today, February 1^st.

He often wore unusual apparel—the day of the tour being no exception. On that particular day, he wore a black top hat, a red velvet frock coat, purple latex gloves, a golden “W” brooch, a black waistcoat, a paisley undershirt, black pants, black high-heeled shoes, and he held a glass cane filled with little candies he called Nerds. In addition to his strange clothes, he had a pale complexion, violet eyes, and a dark brown bob haircut.

As the tour group walked through the expansive room Mr. Wonka called the Chocolate Room, the chocolatier explained more about the room, “Every drop of the river is hot melted chocolate of the finest quality.” The group walked across a bridge that was located right in front of the chocolate waterfall. “The waterfall is most important. Mixes the chocolate. Churns it up. Makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall, my dear children. And you can take that to the bank.” As Willy Wonka let his guests pass by, he pointed toward a strange contraption moving along the ceiling of the room, which had three pipes attached to its bottom. “People, those pipes suck up the chocolate and carry it away all over the factory. Thousands of gallons an hour. Yeah.” He then pointed toward the bright green grass. “Do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass. Please try a blade, please do. It’s so delectable, it’s so darn good-looking.”

“You can eat the grass?” Charlie Bucket asked.

“Of course you can. Everything in this room is eatable. Even I’m eatable, but that is called ‘cannibalism,’ my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies. Yeah.” Everyone in the group exchanged awkward looks between each other until Mr. Wonka continued, “Hold on, guys. I wanna show you something. Follow me.”

Wonka walked over to the wall and pressed a glass button on it, causing the wall to open, leading into a glass elevator. “This is the Great Glass Elevator. This isn’t just an ordinary ‘up-and-down’ elevator; this elevator can go sideways, longways, slantways, and any other ways you can think of. You just press any button, and whoosh, your off! But we’re not here for that. I want to show you the latest function implemented into the elevator. I’ve enabled it to travel to different dimensions—across time and space itself! So I wanted to test out my new invention with all of you. How about it?”

“Is it safe?” Mr. Teavee asked.

Mrs. Beauregarde said, “Yeeaah, I’m not sure if I wanna do anything that hasn’t been fully tested yet.”

“I guarantee you all that it is perfectly safe. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be doing it with you, would I?” Wonka said. The group stared at each other, unassured. “Come on, I’ll even take the necessary safety precautions.” Mr. Wonka grabbed eleven goggles from a bin and passed one out to everyone, while keeping one for himself. “Everyone put these on. Traveling through dimensions causes very bright lights, and I don’t want anyone’s eyeballs to be burned out of anyone’s skulls.”

Once everyone put on their goggles, they all entered the elevator, which was quite cramped with everyone inside. There were hundreds of buttons on one of the sides of the elevator—each one leading to a different room in the factory. Wonka pressed one that said, “INTERDIMENSIONAL TRAVEL.” “Well, here we go!” Wonka shouted with glee. The entire elevator started to shake violently. “I’m not exactly sure where we’ll end up, but not knowing’s half the fun, ha ha!”

“You know, Wonka, I decided I don’t want to do this. Let me off!” Mrs. Beauregarde shouted.

“Well, it’s too late for that; you should’ve turned back when you still had the chance,” Wonka said. And with that, the elevator vanished in a blinding white light.

Chapter Text

“My dear friends, you are now about to enter the nerve center to the entire Wonka Factory. Inside this room, all of my dreams become realities, and some of my realities become dreams. And almost everything you’ll see is eatable, edible. I mean, you can eat almost everything,” Mr. Wonka explained to the tour group while standing in front of a small door.

“Let me in, I’m schtarving!” Augustus Gloop said.

“Now, don’t get all excited. Don’t lose your head, Augustus; we wouldn’t want anyone to lose that… yet.” Wonka revealed a tiny keyboard that popped out from the door. “Now, the combination—this is a musical lock.” The chocolatier played a little tune on the keyboard.

“Rachmaninoff,” Mrs. Teevee proudly announced to Mr. Salt.

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,” Mr. Wonka started to open the door for the guests, “the Chocolate Room.” The entire tour group, consisting of five children, their five respective guardians, and Willy Wonka, entered the room and gazed at the wonderment that lay before them.

It was a large room laid with bright green grass, giant lollipops, candy cane trees, gummy bear trees, gumball trees, candy melons, and candy mushrooms. Most amazing of all, there was a giant chocolate waterfall that crashed into a chocolate river, which ran through the entire room.

Mr. Wonka was a strange case; he was known as the “Chocolate Magician” all over the world, and he was known just as well for his amazing and fantastic confectioneries; however, for about thirteen years, he stayed secluded inside his factory with no public appearances whatsoever. Then, one day, he announced a contest in which he sent out five Golden Tickets hidden in five of his Wonka bars. Whoever found one of these tickets was able to be his guest in his factory for one whole day. That day being today.

He often wore unusual apparel—the day of the tour being no exception. On that particular day, he wore a brown top hat, a purple velvet frock coat, a beige bowtie, a waistcoat with a purple floral pattern, a white undershirt, beige pants, brown shoes, and he held a wooden cane with an ivory top. He had blue eyes and frizzy, blond hair.

Willy Wonka told the group, “Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.” He then began to sing a song,

“Come with me,

And you’ll be

In a world of pure imagination.

Take a look

And you’ll see

Into your imagination.”

He began walking down the stairs in an odd pattern, with everyone following behind. He then continued,

“We’ll begin

With a spin,

Traveling in the world of my creation.

What we’ll see

Will defy

Explanation.”

He continued down the stairs in his bizarre manner.

“If you want to view paradise,

Simply look around and view it.

Anything you want to, do it.

Want to change the world?

There’s nothing to it.”

Once he reached the bottom of the stairs, he allowed everyone to enjoy themselves to all the treats in the Chocolate Room. Mr. Wonka picked up a mushroom cap with the end of his cane and started twirling it like an umbrella.

“There is no

Life I know

To compare with pure imagination.

Living there,

You’ll be free,

If you truly wish to be.”

Mr. Wonka, charming as he was, knocked down some gummy bears from a gummy bear tree with his cane for Violet Beauregarde to chew on. He then knocked down some gumballs from a gumball tree with his cane for Mike Teevee. Willy Wonka moved on to kick some candy melons into the air, which were as light as balloons. He walked up against a candy cane tree and belted out the next lyrics to his song,

“If you want to view paradise,

Simply—"

Willy Wonka was brutally interrupted by a large object that crashed into him out of nowhere. Mr. Wonka was launched through the air from the crash and landed on the bank right against the chocolate river.

Chapter Text

The object that crashed into Willy Wonka was a large glass cube filled with eleven people inside. The Wonka with the red coat took off his dark-tinted goggles. “Aah!” he cried.

“What’s the matter?” the Charlie Bucket inside the elevator asked. “Too dark, Mr. Wonka?”

“Too bright. Far too bright.” Everyone else in the elevator took off their goggles and realized what he meant. The tour group stepped out of the elevator and noticed that eleven other people were staring confusedly back at them. “Oh dear, I think we hit someone,” the red-coated Wonka said.

The Wonka with the purple coat got up and put his top hat back on, “You think? Now, who are you, may I ask?”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry about hitting you. Allow me to introduce myself; I’m Willy Wonka, and these are my guests. And I see that you enjoy a similar fashion sense to me, ha ha.”

“Wait, what on Earth are you talking about? I’m Willy Wonka. Are you an imposter? A-a-and how did you even get into my factory? What is that thing that you came in?” the purple-coat Wonka asked.

“No, I’m not an imposter. I was born as Willy Wonka, the one and only. Or so I thought. And we got here using an interdimensional travel function in my Great Glass Elevator.”

“Great Glass Elevator? Like a Wonkavator?”

“No, like a Great Glass Elevator.”

“And let me guess, you’re also a world famous chocolatier?”

“Exactly. I’m guessing you’re me from another dimension,” the red-coat Wonka said.

“I-I’m sorry, this is just too much for me to handle. I mean, you interrupted my song! And my tour!”

“Wait, you’re also holding a tour that will decide who will inherit your chocolate factory after you pass on?”

Purple-coat Wonka walked up to red-coat Wonka angrily and whispered in his ear, “They’re not supposed to know that yet!”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry. Heh heh. So who are all these other people in your group?”

“I’m Augustus Gloop.”

“Und I’m his mutter.”

“So are ve!” the two Gloops from 2005 said.

“I’m Violet Beauregarde.”

“And her father, Sam Beauregarde.”

“I’m Violet, too!”

“I’m Scarlett Beauregarde, her mother. You wouldn’t happen to be single in this universe, too, would you?”

“No.”

“Oh, heh, sorry.”

“I’m Veruca Salt.”

“And her father, Henry.”

“Yes, this is also Veruca, and I’m her father, Rupert,” Mr. Salt from 2005 answered while his daughter glared curiously at her alternate self.

“I’m Mike Teevee.”

“Mrs. Teevee.”

“I’m Mr. Teavee, and this is my son, also Mike.” 2005 Mike just stared back emotionlessly at his counterpart.

“A-are you Charlie Bucket?” a blond kid in a blue sweater asked.

“Yes! Yes, I am!” the last kid of the 2005 group replied.

“So am I!” the blond kid said.

“You must be Grandpa Joe, then,” one elderly man said to another elderly man from the 2005 group.

“Yes, pleased to meet you, other Joe.” The both of them shuck hands.

“So, where exactly do you come from?” asked purple-coat Wonka.

Red-coat Wonka answered, “We come from an alternate universe much like yours—from the year 2005. February 1^st, 2005 to be exact.”

“Wow. 2005. This is the year 1971. October 1^st, 1971 to be exact.”

Red-coat Wonka gasped. “Walt Disney World opened on this exact day!”

“I know. Damn Disney,” purple-coat Wonka said. “Of course they open up their Magic Kingdom on the exact same day that I open my factory just to draw attention away from me.”

“Hey, I like Disney,” red-coat Wonka responded innocently.

“That’s not the point! The point is, you came from the year 2005! How are things thirty-four years in the future?”

“Eh, they’re fine, I guess. Not all that much changed, really. But hey, now that I look at this place, it does look a little like my Chocolate Room.”

“That’s because it’s my Chocolate Room,” the Wonka from 1971 said.

“Oh, I see. Doesn’t look nearly as good as mine, though.”

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” 1971 Wonka said.

The Wonka from 2005 seemed rather confused by that remark. “And why is it so bright in here?” he said. “Someone could easily catch a glimpse of your factory from those giant windows.”

“The brightness is supposed to make this room feel whimsical and magical.”

“And ew! What is that? The sewage system?”

“Oh, you’re quite the comedian. It’s my chocolate river.”

“Um… no. That is not chocolate. Muddy water, maybe. But not chocolate,” red-coat Wonka said.

“Yes, well, I’m sure yours is quite the sight to behold,” purple-coat Wonka said snidely.

“It is, actually. Oh my God!”

“What now?” purple-coat Wonka groaned.

“What are those hideous things?” Red-coat Wonka saw, across the river, little people with orange faces, white eyebrows, and green hair who wore brown shirts and white overalls. They were pouring cream into the chocolate river.

“What? They’re Oompa-Loompas. I’d assume you’d—"

“Those are not Oompa-Loompas. Those are little people with clown makeup.”

“Well… so what if they are? It makes them more whimsical and magical that way.”

“Boy, what’s with you thinking everything should be ‘whimsical and magical’? What are you, a… a… fairy? Or a… genie or something?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Purple-coat Wonka then turned toward his tour group. “Excuse me, everyone, I’m terribly sorry, but we’re going to have to stop the tour here.” The 1971 tour group started groaning and complaining. “Don’t worry; we’ll continue later on, but for now, I will show everyone to their room. Follow me.” Purple-coat Wonka led everyone to a hallway that was hidden behind a wall in the Chocolate Room. “Well, aren’t you all coming, too?” he said to the 2005 group. “There are enough rooms for all of you.” The ten guests from 2005 all thanked purple-coat Wonka one by one as he showed them to their rooms.

Once red-coat Wonka was led to his own room, he grumbled to himself, “Oh, yeah. He’s so charming and kind-hearted. Pah. Well they were my guests. What does he know about being Willy Wonka? There’s only one true Wonka, and that’s me.”

Chapter Text

The next morning, Charlie from 2005 woke up in a room he shared with his Grandpa Joe that was given to him from another Wonka from 1971. Repeating that sentence in his head made him realize just how strange yesterday ended up being.

The room was fairly decent, if not simple. In the bedroom, there was a coffee table with two armchairs and one large bed big enough for two people; in the bathroom, there was a sink, a shower, and a toilet. Charlie got dressed and quietly snuck out of the room to go explore while Grandpa Joe still snored away.

Charlie made his way back to the Chocolate Room and found Mr. Wonka, the first Mr. Wonka he met yesterday, fiddling with the Great Glass Elevator. “Good morning, Mr. Wonka. How are you today?” Charlie said.

“Oh, hello, little bo—ahem, Charlie. Good morning, Charlie. And I’m doing well, thank you,” 2005 Wonka said.

“What are you doing with your Grand Glass Elevator?”

“It’s Great Glass Elevator, and I’m trying to figure out how we’re going to get back to our proper dimension.”

“Isn’t there a button that will take us back?” Charlie asked.

“Um… no. I should’ve thought of that, shouldn’t I?”

“Well, you invented it, you must know how—"

“No, I didn’t invent it; my Oompa-Loompas did,” Wonka said. “I have no idea how this thing works. Ugh, that’s it. We’re doomed! We’re done for! Now we’re stuck in this dimension for the rest of our lives.”

“Mr. Wonka, don’t think like that. Maybe you just need some help. Why don’t you talk to the other Wonka?”

“Mr. Genie? Pah. What help would he be? He doesn’t even know what a Great Glass Elevator is, let alone its interdimensional travel function.”

“Please do it, for me?”

“Oh, Charlie. Fine, I’ll do it for you, but only you. Wait, I don’t even know where he is.”

“Why don’t you ask one of his Oompa-Loompas?” Charlie pointed to one of the little people with an orange face and green hair who was collecting some of the candy from around the Chocolate Room.

“Ick. If you insist.” Willy Wonka walked up to the strange, little worker and asked him with exaggerated syllables, “Excuse me, do you understand the English language?”

“Of course I do,” the Oompa-Loompa responded.

“Oh. Ha ha! Um, do you happen to know where Willy Wonka is? I mean, not the Willy Wonka that’s me, but the other one?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say he’s still in his bedroom. It’s still not nine o’clock yet, which is when he normally gets up.”

“Great! Um… could you take me there, please?”

The Oompa-Loompa sighed, “Follow me.” The little worker pressed a button that opened a section of the wall with a set of double doors behind it. He slid open the double doors to reveal a golden, rocket-like contraption with large glass windows. He opened the door on the contraption. “Welcome aboard the Wonkavator,” he said.

“Uh, you mean the Great Glass Elevator,” Wonka said as he stepped inside.

“No, I mean the Wonkavator.” The Oompa-Loompa closed the door behind him. “It can go to any—"

“—Room in the factory. I know. I have one, too, except it’s better.”

“Right. Well, let’s see here… ah! There it is. ‘Wonka’s Bedroom.’” The Oompa-Loompa pressed the button, causing the Wonkavator to shake around a bit, then blast off to their destination.

Once the Wonkavator came to a complete stop, Willy stepped out and thanked the Oompa-Loompa for the lift. Wonka walked up to a giant set of wooden double doors that supposedly led to the other Wonka’s bedroom. Willy knocked ever so hesitantly on the doors.

“Come in,” he heard faintly from the other side. Willy pushed open the doors and saw the other Wonka sitting down at a table beside his bed, sipping a cup of tea.

The entire room seemed so strange, even for Willy Wonka. His bed was cut in half, and so was his wardrobe, and his nightstand, and the lamp on the nightstand, and the coffee table he was sitting at, and the chair he was sitting on. The only things that weren’t cut in half were Willy Wonka himself and his cup of tea. “Oh, it’s you. Is there something you need?” the frizzy-haired Wonka asked.

“Hey, Genie, old pal! How ya doin’?”

“Genie?”

“It’s a nickname I came up with for you. Since I called you a genie yesterday and all, the name just stuck.”

“No. The name doesn’t ‘just stick’ if this is the first time I’ve ever heard you use it.”

“Well, can I use it?”

“I suppose so. I seem to like the sound of it well enough.”

“Yay!” Red-coat Wonka clapped his hands rapidly. “Now you give me a nickname! Go on!”

“Well…” Genie took a sip from his tea, “I suppose I could call you Johnny."

"Why Johnny?"

"I don't know. You just look like a Johnny."

"Oh. Okay, then. Johnny it is! Well, I was thinking we should arrange everyone to meet their counterparts. Y’know, get to know them better. Like we’re doing right now. How ‘bout that?” Johnny asked.

“Hmm, I don’t really know. Suppose we could. Yes, I’m sure we could. I’m pretty sure we could. But it might have some messy results.”

“They’ll be fine. I think they’ll have fun meeting a different version of themselves, and they can learn a lot from them, like I have.”

“We know what we are, but know not what we may be,” Genie said wistfully.

“But there’s something else I wanted to talk about.”

“Yes?”

“You know my Great Glass Elevator, right? It’s kinda like your Wonkavator.”

“Right.”

“Well, to be honest, I’m not sure how to get back to my own dimension,” Johnny said.

“What?”

“Yeah, kinda dumb on my part.”

“Well, I can’t have you guys living with me forever; we have to find a way to send you back!” Genie said, setting his teacup down on the coffee table.

“That’s exactly what I wanted you to say!”

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s get to that Great Glass Wonkavator!” Genie got up from his chair and made his way out the bedroom doors.

“Great Glass Elevator!” Johnny said.

“You know what I mean!”

Chapter Text

All twenty guests were called out from their rooms by Oompa-Loompas to go meet in the Chocolate Room. Once everyone was gathered there, the two Wonkas had an announcement to make to all of them. Genie began, “Mesdames et messieurs, si vous pouviez plaire trouver votre homologue—”

“Uh, in English, please?” Mrs. Beauregarde shouted.

“Yeah, I don’t know why you’re speaking fancy,” Johnny intervened. “Uh, what we’re trying to tell you is that we would like you all to find your counterparts and get to know them a bit better today. I know that may seem a bit daunting, but just sit down with them, get comfy, find out your similarities, your differences, and I encourage you all to give each other nicknames since, well, you’d all have the same names otherwise. For example, we gave each other nicknames. I call him Genie, and he calls me Johnny. See? It’s a very simple task. You might even make a new friend! Well, go on now, scoot!”

“You took everything right out of my mouth,” Genie murmured to Johnny.

Everyone found their counterpart and made their way back to one of their rooms in order to start getting to know each other more.

Chapter Text

The two Augustuses and their mothers went inside one of their rooms. They sat down at the coffee table and started to discuss with one another.

The Augustus from 1971 had blond hair and blue eyes. He wore a dark gray jacket, a white shirt, a black necktie, dark gray shorts, dark green socks that went up to his knees, and brown shoes. He was a little beefy, but not necessarily obese. His mother had brown hair and brown eyes. She wore a black dress with a floral pattern on it, a silver chain necklace, and black shoes. She was a little chunkier than her son.

The Augustus from 2005 had orange hair and blue eyes. He wore a red-and-white-striped turtleneck shirt, blue jean shorts, black socks, and red-and-white tennis shoes. He was morbidly obese. His mother had orange hair done in a beehive style and blue eyes. She wore a dress patterned with patches of burgundy, red, orange, and tan; a burgundy belt; a pink pearl necklace; pink pearl earrings; and black shoes. She also held a black purse. She was just as chubby as her son.

“So, vhere are you from?” Mrs. Gloop from 1971 asked.

“Düsseldorf,” Mrs. Gloop from 2005 said.

“Oh, so how is life in zhe big city?”

“Oh, no, not zhat Düsseldorf. Ve live in a small town zhat just so happens to be named Düsseldorf as vell.”

“Oh, I see. Vell, me und Augustus come from Düsselheim.”

“Düsselheim? Zhere’s no such place!” 2005 Mrs. Gloop said.

“Yes, zhere is! Ve live zhere!” 1971 Mrs. Gloop said.

“How come I’ve never heard of it, zhen?”

“It’s a very small town, zhat’s why.”

“Oh, fine.”

“So vhat do you like to do?” 1971 Augustus asked his 2005 counterpart.

“Eat,” the other Augustus replied.

“Me too!”

“Me zhree!” Mrs. Gloop from 2005 said.

“Me four!” Mrs. Gloop from 1971 joined in.

“I see ve all love food! Zhat is gut!” 1971 Augustus declared.

“I zhink ve are all going to get along very vell!” 2005 Augustus said.

“Now ve have to give each ozher nicknames! Vhat are you going to call me?” 1971 Augustus asked.

“Hmm… how about… Gusty? Short for Augustus.”

“Zhat sounds great! I zhink I’ll call you… Peppermint. Because of zhat shirt you’re vearing.”

“Oh, vell, I do love peppermint, so I like it!” 2005 Augustus said.

“I’m glad our sons are getting along so vell vizh each ozher,” Mrs. Gloop from 1971 said.

“Yes, I’m very glad, too,” the other Mrs. Gloop said.

There was then a knock at the door. 1971 Mrs. Gloop answered it. “Oh, vhy, zhank you!” she said as she closed the door. She gave to everyone an envelope sealed with a “W” emblem. She opened up the envelope, took out a letter, and started reading it. “Oh, it says ve’re invited to a dinner party tonight!”

“Dinner party?!” Peppermint said.

“Could zhis day get any better?” Gusty cried out.

Chapter Text

The two Salt families went inside one of their bedrooms to get to know each other more closely.

The Veruca from 1971 had wavy, light brown hair and blue eyes. She wore a red dress, a black belt, stockings, and black Mary Janes. Her father was a plump man who had brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a brown jacket, a white shirt, a brown necktie, a brown vest, brown pants, and brown shoes.

The Veruca from 2005 had curly, dark brown hair and blue eyes. She wore a white mink coat, a pink dress, a pink belt with a little pink purse attached to it, white stockings with pink polka dots, and black Mary Janes. Her father had gray hair and blue eyes. He wore a dark gray jacket, a light blue shirt, a brown necktie with orange and blue stripes, a dark gray vest, dark gray pants, and black shoes.

“It’s very nice to meet you, other Veruca,” 2005 Veruca said.

“Now, let’s get one thing clear right away: I’m the best Veruca, and that’s final,” the 1971 Veruca said.

“You’re the best Veru—what? At least I don’t have horrible split ends and an ugly red dress.”

“Why, you nasty, inconsiderate… that’s it!” 1971 Veruca tackled 2005 Veruca to the floor and started clawing at her face. Both fathers broke up the fight, holding the two Verucas back from clawing each other even more.

“Easy, Veruca. That’s enough,” the 1971 Mr. Salt, Henry, said.

“Let go of me, Daddy, or else I’ll scream!”

“Veruca, don’t you think you’ve hurt other Veruca enough already?”

“No; she still has a face.”

“You know,” Mr. Salt from 2005, Rupert, spoke up, “I think my daughter and I best be going now.”

“No, no, no, it’s fine,” Henry said. “Veruca, you’re fine, right?”

“Not until she apologizes for what she said to me.”

“Veruca, say you’re sorry,” Rupert said.

“I’m terribly sorry I made fun of you, Veruca,” the 2005 Veruca said with a fake smile.

“She didn’t mean it, Daddy,” 1971 Veruca said as she started crying. “She doesn’t really feel sorry for me.”

“Oh, those are just crocodile tears and you know it,” 2005 Veruca said.

“Veruca, please. We’re trying to calm her down, not arouse her even more,” her father said.

2005 Veruca sighed. “All right, I really am truly sorry about what I said about you. But let’s agree that neither of us is the better Veruca.”

“Fine,” 1971 Veruca said.

“Why don’t you give each other nicknames now?” Henry suggested. “That sounds fun, right?”

“How about Nut Case, since that’s what you are?” 1971 Veruca said to 2005 Veruca.

“Fine, then I’ll call you Egg Breath. That’s a pretty apt description of you.”

“Nut Case.”

“Egg Breath.”

“Nut Case!”

“Egg Breath!”

“NUT CASE!”

“EGG BREATH!”

“That’s enough! Both of you!” Rupert yelled sternly. “Will you two young ladies please try to find one thing you don’t entirely disagree on?”

“Well…” his daughter said, “we’re both rich.”

“Yes, that’s true. And we both have mink coats,” Egg Breath said.

“Yes, that’s right. Do you have any pets?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Me too! What do you have?” Nut Case asked.

“One pony, two dogs, four cats, six bunny rabbits, two parakeets, three canaries, a green parrot, a turtle, and a hamster.”

“Me too! Exactly the same!”

“Really?!”

“Yes!” Nut Case said. They both squealed with excitement. “Do you like to go shopping for expensive new clothes as well?” Nut Case asked.

“Of course!”

“Wow, perhaps we do have more in common than we thought.”

“Yes, yes, that’s all well and good,” Henry said. “Now, uh, do you run a nut business in your dimension, too?” he asked Rupert.

“Of course.”

“Ha ha! Just as successful as mine, I’m sure!”

“Yes, perhaps even more.”

“Ha—hey, don’t get cocky with me, Rupert!” They both burst out in laughter.

“Now, I assume you’re from England as well?” Rupert asked.

“Yup.”

“And where about, may I ask?”

“Iver,” Henry said.

“You don’t say. So are we!”

“Ha ha! It is a small world, isn’t it?”

“Well, a small multi-dimensional universe is more like it!” Rupert said.

“Our dads really like each other, don’t they?” Nut Case said to Egg Breath.

“Yeah. It’s a bit creepy, to be honest.”

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Rupert opened the door and saw an Oompa-Loompa standing with four envelopes in hand. “You’ve been invited to Willy’s dinner party tonight,” he said.

“Er, which Willy’s party is it?” Rupert asked.

“Both.”

“Huh.” Rupert took the four envelopes and gave three of them to the rest of the people in the room. “Well, thank you.”

“You are certainly welcome,” the Oompa-Loompa said as he walked off.

Rupert closed the door behind him. “I guess we’re going to a dinner party tonight.”

“Oh, that sounds wonderful!” Egg Breath said.

“Agreed!” said Nut Case.

Chapter Text

The Beauregardes retreated to one of their bedrooms to get acquainted with one another.

The Violet from 1971 had long, straight brown hair and brown eyes. She wore a blue shirt, blue pants, a red belt, and brown shoes. Her father had dark brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a grey jacket, a white shirt, a red necktie, black pants, and black shoes.

The Violet from 2005 had blonde hair done in a bob cut and green eyes. She wore a blue tracksuit with a white stripe going down the sides of it, a blue watch on her left wrist, and white tennis shoes with blue highlights. Her mother also had blonde hair done in a bob cut and green eyes. She wore a blue tracksuit with a white stripe going down the sides of it, just like her daughter; a silver watch on her left wrist; a gold necklace; gold hoop earrings; and white Nike shoes with blue highlights, similar to her daughter.

“So, how are you doing, Violet?” Violet from 2005 asked with a perky smile.

“Very well, thank you, Violet,” Violet from 1971 said. She noticed 2005 Violet’s jaws were moving up and down, chewing on a piece of gum, just like hers were. “So, I see you like gum, too.”

“Oh, I love gum,” 2005 Violet said. “I chew it all day long.”

“So do I!”

“In fact, this gum I’m chewing right at this moment, I’ve been working on for three months solid.”

“Me. Too. Isn’t that fab?”

“Yeah! That makes me the Junior World Champion Gum Chewer.”

“Me! Too!”

“So… ya got any other trophies besides gum chewing?” 2005 Violet asked.

“Um… no. How ‘bout you?” 1971 Violet said.

“As a matter of fact, I do. Two hundred and sixty-three, to be exact. All from karate, basketball, soccer, volleyball, tennis, softball, gymnastics, and gum-chewing, of course.”

“Oh, you’re so talented.”

“Thanks! And you’re so… pretty.”

“Oh, why, thank you. You know, I think I’ll call you Blondie, because of that beautiful hair of yours,” 1971 Violet said.

“Okay, I’ll call you… Duchess, because that gorgeous outfit of yours makes you look as classy as a duchess,” 2005 Violet said.

“Thank you. You’re too nice,” Duchess said.

“It’s great that our children are getting along so well,” Scarlett Beauregarde said to Sam Beauregarde.

“Yup. Hey, I don’t know if we’ve properly introduced ourselves. Sam Beauregarde. I’ll give you the finest deals you’ll ever see for all your automobile needs. With Sam B., it’s a guarantee!” he said as he offered Scarlett his business card.

“Thanks,” she said as she stuffed it inside her pocket. “Scarlett Beauregarde.” She shook Sam’s hand.

“I can already tell we’re going to be good friends,” Duchess said.

“Best friends,” Blondie said. “So, I know you haven’t won any trophies for any sports, but are there still any sports you like to play?”

“Um… not really?” Duchess said.

“Oh… I see…”

“But you said you won karate trophies?”

“Yeah.”

“What belt are you?”

“Black,” Blondie said.

“Really? Wow, you’re just amazing at everything, aren’t you?” Duchess said.

“Well, I am a winner!”

“That’s my girl!” Scarlett said.

Blondie noticed Duchess slightly scowling. “Is something wrong?” Blondie asked.

“No, no! Everything’s just fine! So what kinda gum do you like?”

“Bubblegum.”

Duchess gasped. “Me! Too!”

There was suddenly a knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” Sam said. It was an Oompa-Loompa holding four envelopes. “Thank you,” Sam said as he took the envelopes and closed the door. He passed the envelopes out to everybody. Sam opened his up and started reading it. “We’re invited to a dinner party tonight along with all the other guests.”

“Oh, that sounds fun,” Scarlett said.

“Wow, I can’t wait!” Duchess said.

“We’ll go as the ‘Double Bubble Twins’!” Blondie said.

“The ‘Double Bubble Duchesses’!” Duchess said.

Chapter Text

Once inside the Teavee bedroom, the Teevees and the Teavees got to know each other a little better.

Mike Teevee had brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a white cowboy hat, a yellow cowboy shirt, a blue bandana, white pants, a brown belt with holsters for his toy pistol, and white cowboy boots. Mrs. Teevee had short, brown hair and blue eyes. She wore a pink trench coat and black shoes. She also held a black purse.

Mike Teavee had brown hair and brown eyes. He wore a black shirt with red sleeves and a picture of a flaming skull on it, black jeans, and black Chuck Taylor shoes. Mr. Teavee had light brown hair done in a combover and gray eyes. He wore glasses; a beige jacket; a collared shirt with white, blue, and beige stripes; beige dress pants; a black belt; and brown loafers.

“So, where ya from?” Mrs. Teevee asked.

“Denver, Colorado,” Mr. Teavee said.

“Oh, I hear it’s pretty up there.”

“Yup.”

“Well, we’re from Marble Falls, Arizona.”

“Huh. Never heard of it myself. How is it?”

“Oh, it’s very nice. It’s a small town. Everyone’s very friendly there.”

“Oh, good.”

“So, whad’ya do for a living?” Mrs. Teevee asked.

“I’m a high school geography teacher.”

“Ya don’t say! So am I!”

“Wow, that sure is a coincidence!”

“No kidding!”

Meanwhile, the two Mikes were talking to each other. “So… ya like Westerns?” Mike from 1971 asked.

2005 Mike scoffed. “No. And why are you dressed like that? It’s not Halloween, you know.”

“I know. I always like dressing like the true heroes of the West: cowboys!”

“Yeah, well, that cowboy costume looks like something Daffy Duck would wear in the cartoons.”

“Hey, stop making fun of me!”

“I’m not. I’m simply making a comparison.”

“It’s not a very nice comparison.”

“Anyways, you said you like Westerns?” 2005 Mike said.

“Oh, boy, do I! My favorites are the ones with Clint Eastwood!” 1971 Mike said.

“Oh, yeah, I know him. He was the guy Marty was talking about in Back to the Future III.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“Okay… well, like I was saying, Eastwood is great! The ones with John Wayne are good, too. So anyways, what about you? What kinda stuff do you like?”

“Well, I like to play video games,” 2005 Mike said.

“Video games? Whad’ya mean?”

“Ugh. Never mind.”

“Movies. What about movies?” 1971 Mike said.

“Well, I guess I like Star Wars… Jurassic Park… Indiana Jones…”

“I have no idea what any of those are.”

“You will eventually. And they’re a lot better than those stupid Westerns you watch now.”

“Hey! They’re not stupid!” 1971 Mike sprayed spit on 2005 Mike as he spoke with his lisp.

“Ew, you spit all over me!”

“You take back what you just said right now!” 1971 Mike said as he pulled his toy gun out and pinned it under 2005 Mike’s jaw.

“Oh, I’m so scared,” 2005 Mike said sarcastically.

1971 Mike pulled the trigger, causing the gun to make a “pop” sound. He grunted furiously. “Shoot! Why can’t Pop give me a real one already? I’m almost twelve anyways.”

“You know, you should really do something about that lisp.”

“Oooh, I’ve had it with you!” 1971 Mike suddenly lunged at 2005 Mike and started choking him. This caught the attention of both parents.

“Mike! What are you doing?!” Mrs. Teevee cried as she yanked her son away from the other Mike.

“Mike, are you all right?” Mr. Teavee asked, running to his son’s side.

“Yeah,” 2005 Mike said, coughing. He looked at 1971 Mike. “You’re a psycho! You know that?”

“Mike, please,” his dad said.

“It’s true!”

“Just… not now.”

“Mike, what were you thinking?” Mrs. Teevee asked her son.

“He was being mean to me!”

“That’s still no excuse to choke him! You could’a killed him! Now, I want you both to make up to each other while Mr. Teavee and I finish our conversation.” The adults then resumed talking to each other.

“Well, aren’t you going to apologize?” 1971 Mike asked 2005 Mike.

“Not until you do.”

“Fine. I’m sorry for choking you.”

“And?”

“And what?” 1971 Mike asked.

“Pointing your gun at me. And spitting on me.”

“Fine. I’m sorry for that, too. Now you.”

“I’m sorry for making fun of the stuff you like,” 2005 Mike said.

“Well, Mr. Wonka told us to give each other nicknames, so I think I’ll call you… Butthead.”

“What? That’s a stupid name.”

“Exactly,” 1971 Mike replied flatly.

“Fine. Then I’ll call you Stupid Idiot Retard Gay Cowboy,” 2005 Mike said.

“Boys!” Mrs. Teevee yelled. “That does not sound like making up.”

Both boys sighed. “Okay,” 1971 Mike said, “I’ll call you… Spike. Because of your spikey hair in the front. Also, your words hurt like spikes.”

“That’s a little better, I guess. My name for you will be… I dunno, Cowboy, I guess.”

“Really? Only ‘Cowboy’? How ’bout something like ‘Gunslinger Mike’ or ‘The Blue Bandana’?”

“No, ‘Cowboy’ is fine. This whole nickname thing is stupid enough as it is,” Spike said.

There was suddenly a knock on the door. “I’ll get it,” Mr. Teavee said. He brought back four envelopes with him and read off from one of them. “Says there’s a dinner party tonight. All guests are invited, and it will be held in the factory’s secret garden. Hm. Sounds interesting.”

“Very interesting,” Mrs. Teevee said.

Chapter Text

“Well, Joe, come right in,” 1971 Joe said as he, the other Joe, and the two Charlies made their way inside his room.

“Nice room you have here,” 2005 Joe said.

“Grandpa, it’s exactly the same as our room,” 2005 Charlie said.

“Well, it’s still a nice room.”

The Charlie from 1971 had blond hair and blue eyes. He wore a dark blue turtleneck sweater, gray pants, and brown shoes. Grandpa Joe from 1971 had gray hair, brown eyes, and a gray mustache. He wore a dark gray jacket, a white shirt, a dark gray necktie, dark gray pants, and black shoes.

The Charlie from 2005 had dark brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a knitted wool sweater with intricate designs, a yellow collared shirt underneath, brown pants, and black tennis shoes. Grandpa Joe from 2005 had gray hair and blue eyes. He wore glasses, a checkered brown jacket, a white shirt, a brown necktie, a striped brown waistcoat, plaid brown pants, and black shoes.

“I’ve never spoken with another version of myself before,” 1971 Charlie said. “What do we say to each other?”

“I’m not sure,” 2005 Charlie said. “Do you also live in the same town as the factory?”

“Yep. I walk by it every day.”

“So do I. At least you’re so close to home. I may never get home again.”

“Hey, don’t give up so soon; you don’t know that. And if you do never get home, then… well, you can live with us!”

“Oh, no, we could never do that,” 2005 Joe said. “We’d be too much of a burden. But thank you for the offer anyway.”

“No, you’d never be a burden!” 1971 Charlie said.

“Um, Charlie,” 1971 Joe spoke up, “he is somewhat right. Not that they would be a burden, but you know our family… isn’t in the best financial shape at the moment. You and your mom are having enough trouble supporting the six of us.”

“There are seven people living under our roof, including us two,” 2005 Charlie said.

“Let me see if I can guess,” 1971 Charlie said, “obviously there’s you and Grandpa Joe, then there’s Grandma Joesphine, Grandpa George and Grandma Georgina…”

“Yes, that’s right!”

“Mom—er, Mrs. Bucket, and… Dad?”

“Yes! You got them all right!”

“Oh. Great.” A sudden cloud of melancholy arose around 1971 Charlie.

“Is something wrong?” the other Charlie asked.

“N-no, it’s nothing.”

1971 Joe spoke up for Charlie, “It’s still hard for Charlie to think about his father, what with him passing away not too long ago.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that,” 2005 Joe said.

“Yes. I’m sorry I even brought it up,” 2005 Charlie said.

“Oh, it’s okay, you didn’t know any better. Anyway, whad’ya say we change the subject?” 1971 Charlie asked.

“I’d say that’s an excellent idea!” 1971 Joe said. “So, you guys ever know about Willy Wonka before the whole ticket fiasco?”

“Oh, yes. I used to work for him,” 2005 Joe said. “I’m assuming you did, too.”

“No, I didn’t, but I wish I did!” 1971 Joe said. “That’s amazing! Isn’t that amazing, Charlie?”

“Yeah! What was he like when you worked for him?”

“Well, this Wonka is a very different one from the one you know, but he was just as creative and energetic, and just a wonderful spirit to be around!” 2005 Joe’s wrinkled face seemed to immediately light up with childlike wonder at the mere mention of the chocolatier.

“That’s great to hear! Oh, yeah, I almost forgot—we have to give each other nicknames! What do you want me to call you?” 1971 Charlie asked.

“You can call me whatever you like,” 2005 Charlie said.

“Hmm. How about… Choccy Charlie? Because of your chocolate brown hair, and obviously because you love chocolate. We can call you Choccy for short.”

“That sounds great! And I’m going to call you… Turtle. Because of that turtleneck you’re wearing. Is that all right with you?”

“Um… yeah, yeah. Certainly is an interesting nickname.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not good at making nicknames,” Choccy said.

“No, it’s okay, I like it,” Turtle said.

A knock was heard at the door. “I’ll go check who it is,” 1971 Joe said. He opened the door and saw a short, little Oompa-Loompa standing below him, looking upward. He held out four envelopes.

“You’re invited,” the Oompa-Loompa said. “Hope to see you there tonight.”

“See us where?” Joe asked as he took the envelopes, but the Oompa-Loompa didn’t answer and walked away. “Hm. Well, let’s see what’s inside these envelopes.” 1971 Joe handed out the other three envelopes to the other three people in the room. The envelopes had a golden seal with a “W” emblem on them. There was a little top hat above the “W.”

2005 Joe opened his envelope and took out a letter. He unfolded the letter and began to read it,

“Dear Guest,

You along with all the other guests are invited to come join us in the factory’s Secret Garden Room for a dinner party tonight. The Oompa-Loompas will be cooking up their finest menu, a traditional Italian cuisine. It will be a perfect opportunity to get acquainted with the other guests that don’t share your name, so we implore you to come join us.

-Willy ‘Genie’ Wonka and Willy ‘Johnny’ Wonka”

“That sounds very exciting!” Choccy exclaimed.

“I can’t wait to get to know the other kids some more!” Turtle said. “They seem very nice.”

Chapter Text

Later that night, everyone was greeted with Oompa-Loompas in butler outfits at their bedroom doors. The Oompa-Loompas all lead them to the Secret Garden Room, which was accessed through a hidden passageway in the Chocolate Room.

It was a beautiful room laden with real grass, flowers, and vines crawling up the sides of the stone brick walls. There was a glass dome overhead, which was filled with a starry night sky. The room was dimly lit by lanterns scattered about the garden. In the center of the room was a large dining table with twelve seats. Off in the corner of the room was a smaller dining table with ten seats. There were five candles at each table to provide dim lighting. Standing in front of the large dining table were Genie and Johnny in their usual attire.

Once everyone was assembled in the room, Genie began, “Welcome, everyone. Glad you could all join us on this wonderful night. We have received the list of all the nicknames you came up with for each other, so Johnny here will now introduce everyone one at a time, where you will then proceed to your seat at the tables. There will be a nametag to indicate your seat. Adults will sit at the large table, and children will sit at the smaller table.”

“Really? We have a kiddie table?” Spike groaned.

“I don’t like it when people mumble when I’m about to speak!” Johnny said. “Now, first up, we have the two Veruca Salts!” Both Verucas and their fathers walked up. Johnny pointed to the Veruca from 1971. “This is Egg Breath, and this,” he pointed to the Veruca from 2005, “is Nut Case… what kinda nicknames are those? Well, anyways, please take a seat.” The Salts all took a seat at their tables.

“Next up, we have the Augustus Gloops!” The Gloops walked up. “This is Gusty,” Johnny said to the 1971 Augustus, “and this is Peppermint,” he said to the 2005 Augustus. “Okay, those are a little better. Please take your seats.” The Gloops went to their seats.

“Now we have the Violet Baudelaires!” Johhny announced.

“Uh, you mean Beauregarde?” Blondie said.

Johnny looked back down at his list. “Oh, yeah. Whoops! My mistake!” He indicated the 1971 Violet, “This is Duchess,” he then indicated the 2005 Violet, “and this is Blondie!”

“Blondie?” Cowboy said. “She doesn’t look anything like Clint Eastwood.”

“Will you shut up about him?” Spike said.

“Mike!” his father scolded.

“Please take a seat, Beauregardes.” The Beauregardes took their seats.

“Now we have the Mike Teavees!” The Teevees and Teavees walked up. “This,” Johnny pointed to Mike Teevee, “is Cowboy… boy is that uncreative… and this,” he pointed to Mike Teavee, “is Spike. Please take your seats, Teavees.” The Teevees and Teavees seated themselves.

“Finally, we have the Charlie Buckets!” The Buckets all walked up. “This is Turtle,” Johnny pointed to the Charlie from 1971, “and this is Choccy,” he pointed to the Charlie from 2005. “Please take your seats so we can all be served.” The Buckets found their seats.

The Oompa-Loompa waiters came around to take everyone’s orders for drinks, which mostly boiled down to sodas for the children and wine for the adults.

“On the menu tonight,” Genie announced, “we have prosciutto e melone for the appetizer; minestrone for the soup; a choice of either carbonara, fettuccine alfredo, lasagna, or linguine with clam sauce for the entrée; and semifreddo for dessert.”

“Sounds good to me,” Henry Salt said.

“It’s all Greek to me,” Mr. Beauregarde said.

“I think you mean ‘all Roman,’ heh heh,” Mr. Teavee said in an attempt to make a joke. “Oh, come on, no one got my joke?”

“We got it,” Mrs. Teevee said, “it just wasn’t funny.”

The Oompa-Loompa waiters came back with everyone’s drinks as well as to take everyone’s orders. Shortly after, the Oompa-Loompas then came back with the appetizers.

At the kids’ table, Turtle tried to break the ice with the rest of the kids, “So, what does everyone here like to do?”

“I like to eat.”

“Me, too.”

“I like chewing.”

“I love winning.”

“I love watching TV! Especially the ones with—”

“I like shopping for expensive things.”

“I like getting my Daddy to buy stuff for me!”

“I like playing video games, I guess.”

“I love hearing stories about Mr. Wonka! I still can’t believe I’m in his factory at this very moment! Even if it’s not the Mr. Wonka I’m used to.”

“Great! As for myself,” Turtle began, “I love walking around my home town, just taking in the peacefulness of it all. That’s why I took the job of paperboy. It also helps to support my family.”

“Oh, that’s just great,” Blondie said sarcastically while eating prosciutto.

“So, Nut Case,” Turtle said.

“What did you just call me?” Nut Case said.

“Nut Case. That is your nickname, right?”

“Oh. Yeah. I forgot.” Both Verucas laughed. “Yeah, okay, what is it?”

“Well, you said you like shopping. What do you like to shop for?”

“Ugh. I don’t know. Like I said, expensive things. Clothes, shoes, animals for my pet collection. You know.”

“No, actually, I didn’t know, but thanks for telling me!” Turtle said sincerely.

The waiters brought over everyone’s soup. As soon as the bowls were set down on the table, everyone started to gorge themselves. “And Blondie,” Turtle continued, “you said you like winning. What do you like winning at?”

“Okay, listen, Turtle, or whatever your name was, nobody cares about your pathetic attempts at social interaction,” Blondie said.

“Yeah, nobody cares, Turtle,” Duchess repeated.

Turtle was disheartened by that, but he still continued his “pathetic attempts” with the Augustus Gloops. “Well, how about you, Gusty? Want to tell me more about what you like to do?” Gusty briefly looked up from his soup bowl, shrugged, then continued eating. “Peppermint?” Peppermint didn’t even lift his head from his bowl.

“So, Cowboy, what kind of stuff do you like to watch on TV?” Turtle asked.

“Oh, boy, where do I start?” Cowboy said. “Well, my favorites are westerns—especially the ones with—"

“Oh, God, here he goes again,” Spike groaned. “Why did you have to get him going? Now he’s never going to stop talking about Hee Haw or whatever it is he watches.”

“Well, it’s not like you’re any better when it comes to you talking about your Grand Thieving Automobiles or whatever,” Cowboy retorted.

“No. Please. Just stop. You’re so stupid,” Spike said as he buried his face in the palms of his hands.

“Spike! We’re the same age! Why you gotta act like you’re so much older than you really are?”

“Because I act like a normal person and not a childish idiot like you.”

Cowboy pushed Spike out of his chair, then turned back to Turtle and said, “You’ll have to excuse him; he’s just permanently grumpy.”

“Oh, I see,” Turtle replied.

Cowboy continued eating his soup, then burped.

“Well, excuse you,” Blondie said.

Gusty then burped as well. “Mmm, zhis soup vas gut,” he said in response.

“Burping’s a dirty habit,” Duchess said while picking her nose.

“That’s nothing,” Spike said as he took a big gulp of his Coca-Cola. He then let out a loud belch.

“Oh my God,” Nut Case said, “that was disgusting. Please don’t ever do that again.”

Just then, Peppermint belched even longer and louder than Spike had. “Excuse me,” he said afterwards.

“That’s it,” Nut Case said, “I think I’m going to puke.”

“Will everyone please stop burping?” Turtle asked, annoyed. “It’s not good table manners.”

Cowboy stuck his tongue out at Turtle. Spike rolled his eyes. Gusty’s and Peppermint’s faces both lit up as they saw that their entrées were coming.

As everyone started to devour their pasta, Blondie gestured for Nut Case to lean toward her across the table. She whispered into her ear, “You have some pasta sauce on your left eyebrow.”

“Oh!” Nut Case leaned back into her chair and wiped her left eyebrow with her napkin.

“What did she say to you?” Egg Breath asked.

“Just that I had some pasta sauce on my eyebrow.”

“Oh.” Egg Breath then whispered to Nut Case, “Hey, what if we told Duchess over there that Blondie was really talking about her?”

“You mean deceive her into thinking that Blondie is against her?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh, that’s so bad… I love it!”

Egg Breath got out of her seat and walked over to where Duchess was seated. She whispered to her, “Hey, did you see Blondie there whispering something to Nut Case?”

“Y-yes… why?” Duchess asked.

“Well, Nut Case told me that Blondie told her that she thinks you’re ugly.”

“What?”

“Yes, and that your clothes are ugly, too.”

“But she told me herself that my outfit was pretty. And that I was pretty.”

“Well, I guess she was lying,” Egg Breath said.

Duchess was seething. “That little bi—"

“Something wrong, Duchess?” Blondie asked.

“Yeah, what’s wrong is you, and how deceitful you are!”

“W-what are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Duchess said. “You didn’t really mean what you told me; you never wanted to become my friend, let alone my best friend. Well, guess what, I didn’t either! And I don’t really think you’re talented; I think you’re just a pathetic loser who has to constantly belittle others to make yourself feel better!”

“Ooh, this is going to be good,” Nut Case told Egg Breath.

Blondie scooped up her fettuccine alfredo and threw it all over Duchess’s outfit.

“M-my outfit! You ruined it!” Duchess said.

“Oh, please. It was ruined to begin with,” Blondie said.

Duchess then picked up her lasagna and threw it at Blondie’s face. Both Egg Breath and Nut Case started laughing hysterically. Both Violets looked at each other, then they both threw their sodas onto both of the Verucas. Nut Case and Egg Breath screamed upon getting drenched with soda. Spike laughed uncontrollably at the sight of them.

“You slimy vermin!” Egg Breath growled as she grabbed her lasagna and threw it at Spike; however, Spike ducked, causing the lasagna to hit Cowboy in the face.

“Hey!” Cowboy yelled. He then smeared his linguine all over Spike.

“What’d you do that for?” Spike yelled. “I didn’t even throw that at you!” He then took his carbonara and smeared it all over Cowboy.

“Hey! This is my favorite outfit!” he pouted.

“Well, you should’a thought about that before you threw your pasta at me.”

Cowboy frowned, then punched Spike in the face.

“Ow!” Spike said. He then spat out blood.

“Ha ha! I made blood come out of you! Ha ha!”

Spike then punched Cowboy, knocking him out to the ground.

“Everyone, please stop!” Choccy said, as assertive as he could possibly sound, which wasn’t much.

Nut Case then threw her linguine at him to shut him up.

“What is going on here?” Genie yelled, looking upon the chaos taking place at the children’s table.

“Veruca!” Henry scolded.

“Violet!” Sam yelled.

“Good job, Honey!” Scarlett said. “Show ‘em who’s boss!” The rest of the parents stared at her sternly. “Sorry,” she said.

Mrs. Teevee saw her son lying face down on the ground. “Mike!” she screamed.

“Will someone please tell me what happened here?” Johnny asked.

Choccy was about to speak, but Genie instead spoke up, “No. I don’t even want to know what happened here. Just, please, everyone, collect your horrible children and go back to your rooms immediately. Dinner has been cancelled. I expect everyone to meet in the Chocolate Room by ten o’ clock sharp so that we may continue the tour. I also expect everyone to be on their best behavior, especially after what has just taken place tonight.” Genie stormed out of the room, and all the parents gathered their respective children to take them back to their rooms for the night.

Chapter Text

The following morning, everyone met up with each other in the Chocolate Room at ten o’ clock sharp, just as told by Genie. Genie said to everyone, “Guten Morgen, jeder. Wir werden unsere Tour heute fortsetzen, also bitte halten Sie Ihre Kinder auf ihr bestes Verhalten.”

“What did he say?” Mrs. Teevee asked.

“He said zhat ve’ll be continuing the tour today, so ve have to keep our children on zheir best behavior,” Mrs. Gloop from 1971 answered.

The group unanimously replied with an “Oh.”

Genie walked the group over to the chocolate waterfall. “Look at my waterfall. That’s the most important thing. It’s mixing my chocolate. It’s actually churning my chocolate! You know, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall,” he leaned toward Henry Salt and whispered in his ear, “but it’s the only way if you want it—"

“That’s not true!” Johnny interrupted.

“I’m sorry, what?” Genie said.

“You said, ‘no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall,’ but I mix my chocolate by waterfall as well! Ha!”

“…Well, okay, fine. But technically speaking, you’re from another dimension, so I’m still the only chocolate factory in this world to mix chocolate by waterfall. Anyway, as I was saying,”

“Hey, Mr. Wonka,” Blondie said.

“Yes?” Genie answered.

“Are we allowed to drink from the chocolate river?”

“Absolutely not!”

“Then why are both Augustuses drinking from the river?”

“What?” Genie said as he looked to see Gusty and Peppermint both crouched down by the river, scooping chocolate out with their hands and guzzling it down their throats.

“Ew, they’re seriously drinking from that?” Johnny said. “It looks like dirty water.”

“Will you shut up about my river?” Genie said to Johnny as he furiously ran toward the two chubby children. “Augustus and… er, Augustus, please, don’t do that! My chocolate must never be touched by human hands! Please, don’t do that! Don’t do that! You’re contaminating my entire river! Please, I beg you!” But just as he was about to pull them back, Gusty leaned too far out, fell into the river, and pulled Peppermint in with him.

“Augustus!” Mrs. Gloop from 2005 screamed.

“Mein son,” cried Mrs. Gloop from 1971, “he can’t svim!”

“Neizher can mine!”

“There’s no better time to learn,” Genie replied sarcastically.

“Don’t just stand zhere, do somezhing!” Mrs. Gloop from 1971 said.

Both Turtle and Choccy grabbed nearby giant lollipops to help each of the Augustuses, but their hands kept slipping off of them due to the slippery chocolate, and they kept being drawn deeper and deeper into the river.

“Out of everyone that could’ve fallen in, it’s the two most disgusting kids I’ve ever seen,” Nut Case said.

“My little boy is not disgusting!” 2005 Mrs. Gloop said. “Vait. Vhat’s happening to zhem?”

The two Augustuses were slowly being drawn closer and closer to a large, glass pipe that was sucking chocolate up from the river.

“They’re being sucked up by that pipe!” Duchess said.

“Save zhem!” 1971 Mrs. Gloop cried.

“Oh, it’s too late,” Genie said. “The suction’s got them.”

Suddenly, Peppermint fully submerged under the chocolate, then reemerged within the pipe.

“Mein baby!” 2005 Mrs. Gloop screamed. “Quick, get him out of there! Call a fire brigade!”

“Call a plumber,” Sam Beauregarde said.

“I’m surprised he can actually fit in the damn thing,” Scarlett Beauregarde said.

The glass pipe actually started to crack until finally, a huge amount of pressurized chocolate pushed Peppermint through the pipe.

“Vhere’s he gone? Vhere does zhat pipe go to?” 2005 Mrs. Gloop panicked.

“Look!” 1971 Mrs. Gloop said. “Now my boy is stuck in zhe pipe! I hope he gets zhrough!”

“Trust me, if the other Augustus could get through, he’ll easily get through,” Spike said.

2005 Mrs. Gloop scowled at him.

Turns out he was right, though, since Gusty managed to get shot up the pipe, too, without cracking the pipe.

“Now, please, Herr Vonka!” 2005 Mrs. Gloop pleaded. “Tell us vhere zhat pipe goes!”

“Goes to the Fudge Room,” Genie replied nonchalantly.

“Fudge Room?” 1971 Mrs. Gloop said. “Vell, how do ve get zhere?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get an Oompa-Loompa to guide you two ladies there.” Genie pulled out a little flute and played a little trill on it. An Oompa-Loompa quickly appeared by his side, seemingly out of nowhere. “Take Mrs. Gloop and Mrs. Gloop straight to the Fudge Room. But look sharp, or their little boys are liable to get poured into the boiler.”

“You boiled zhem up, I know it!” 1971 Mrs. Gloop yelled as she and the other Mrs. Gloop were being led out the room by the Oompa-Loompa.

“Nil desperandum, dear ladies. Across the desert lies the promised land. Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop… and… Mrs. Gloop. Adieu, Auf Wiedersehen, Gesundheit, farewell.”

After the two massive women were guided out of the room, the guests started to hear from the other side of the river the Oompa-Loompas singing a song as they were creaming and sugaring the river,

“Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo

I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Da-Dee

If you are wise, you’ll listen to me!

What do you get when you guzzle down sweets,

Eating as much as an elephant eats?

What are you at getting terribly fat?

What do you think will come of that?

I don’t like the look of it!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Da

If you’re not greedy, you will go far.

You will live in happiness, too,

Like the Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo!”

All the Oompa-Loompas started shuffling their way out of the Chocolate Room through a hidden door in the wall. One Oompa-Loompa turned back before shutting the door and finished,

“Doompa-Dee-Doo!”

“What was that?” Cowboy said.

“Oh, pay no attention to them,” Genie said. “The Oompa-Loompas all just loving singing, but it’s all nonsense.”

Johnny scoffed. “My Oompa-Loompas could’ve put on a much more elaborate show.”

“Well, for a bunch of nonsense,” Rupert Salt said, “it certainly seemed rather rehearsed.”

The rest of the tour group seemed to be agreeing with him through several cries of “Yeah,” and “True,” and “He does have a point.”

“Come on, everyone,” Genie said, “We’ve still got a lot of things to see. We can’t dawdle any longer.”

Chapter Text

A paddleboat slowly made its way out of a dark tunnel and pulled up to the riverbank to pick up the tour group. It was blue with a white gunwale, and on the front, there was a blue flag with a white “W” on it. It had a red paddlewheel at the back with a white rudder behind it, there were eight red seats facing forward on the boat as well as one red stool in the front, and there was a blue-and-white-striped canopy over the seats. One Oompa-Loompa wearing a sailor hat was at the front of the boat, taking hold of the steering wheel, and four more Oompa-Loompas wearing sailor hats were at the back of the boat, turning the paddlewheel.

“Wow, what a boat!” Turtle said.

“Looks good enough to eat!” 1971 Joe said.

“Mine actually is eatable,” Johnny murmured.

“All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by,” Genie said. “All aboard the Wonkatania, everybody!”

Everyone scrambled onto the boat, and they quickly realized that there weren’t enough seats for everybody. “Hey, Wonka, there’s not enough seats on this thing!” Sam Bearegarde said.

“Oh, that’s right. You see, I didn’t design this boat with this many guests in mind, so I suppose all the children will have to sit on their parents’ laps.”

All the children sat themselves on their parents’ laps. The two Violets made sure they sat as far away from each other as possible, the two Verucas (and their fathers) sat right next to each other, and the two Bucket families sat next to each other as well. Johnny stood across from the red stool that Genie sat on.

“You’re going to love this,” Genie said, somewhat ominously. “Just love it.”

The Oompa-Loompa at the helm rang a bell as the boat started moving through the chocolate river once again.

“Hey, Daddy, I want a boat like this!” Egg Breath said. “A beautiful paddleboat, that’s what I want!”

“Daddy,” Nut Case said, “I want a boat like this as well!”

Thinking no one was looking, Duchess started picking her nose using her pinky finger; however, she was soon spotted by Blondie.

“Oh, my goodness!” Blondie cried out. “Duchess, are you picking your nose?”

Duchess quickly plucked her finger out of her nose and yelled, “No, I wasn’t! You’re lying!”

“No, you’re lying!” Blondie turned to Genie. “Mr. Wonka, Duchess is lying! I saw her with my own eyes!”

Genie rolled his eyes.

“Can it, you nit!” Duchess yelled out.

Blondie scowled and remained silent.

The boat started approaching a dark tunnel on the other side of the Chocolate Room.

“Hang on, where are we going?” Henry asked.

“I don’t know, but I don’t like the looks of that tunnel up there,” Sam said. “Hey, Wonka, I want off!”

“’Round the world and home again! That’s the sailor’s way!” Genie said as the boat continued into the dark tunnel.

“I don’t like this ride, Daddy!” Egg Breath yelled.

“Me neither!” added Nut Case.

“Faster, faster!” Genie kept calling out. And the boat did start to move faster and faster.

“We’re going too fast!” Mrs. Teevee said.

“I can’t see a thing in here!” Scarlett Beauregarde said.

“We’re gonna sink! I know it!” Duchess said.

“I’m not afraid of anything,” Blondie said.

“Why doesn’t he stop the boat?” Egg Breath asked.

“Hang on, darling,” Henry said to his daughter. “Close your eyes and hang on tight!”

“What’s this all about, Genie? Cut it out!” Johnny said.

“This isn’t funny, Wonka!” Mr. Teavee yelled.

“How can you even see where you’re going?” Rupert asked nervously.

“I can’t,” Genie replied.

“Boy, what a great series this would make!” Cowboy exclaimed.

“This is kinda strange,” Turtle said to Choccy.

“Yeah, I’m a bit scared, to be honest,” Choccy said.

“This isn’t scary at all,” Spike said.

“Yeah, this is terrific!” Cowboy said.

All of a sudden, an image of an insect was projected onto the wall on the righthand side of the boat.

“Wonka! I want off this boat now!” Rupert screamed.

Then, an image of a millipede crawling all over a man’s face.

“Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick!” Mrs. Teevee said.

“I can take a joke, but this has gone too far!” Henry said.

An image of an eye was shown next.

“Tell the little guy to turn us around, Wonka!” Sam screamed.

Next, a dead chicken having its head chopped off was shown.

“What the hell?” Scarlett yelled, completely shocked.

“Ah! Now, I am gonna be sick!” Mrs. Teevee said. Even Cowboy was starting to look worried at this point.

A man in a black jacket and a black bowler hat with a large scar running down his face was shown next on the righthand side.

“Grandpa!” Turtle turned to his Grandpa Joe.

“Couldn’t be!” he responded.

“Who was that?” Choccy asked.

“No, just… someone I thought I recognized,” Turtle said.

At the sight of a following image that’s simply too horrible to describe, several guests in the boat screamed in utter fear. Cowboy even pulled out his toy pistol and shot at the image.

“Still not scary,” Spike said nonchalantly.

A chameleon eating an insect was shown next. Then, Genie started to sing ominously,

“There’s no earthly way of knowing,”

“Heh heh, he’s singing,” Henry murmured out of the side of his mouth.

“Which direction we are going,”

“Hey, singing sound fun,” Johnny said. “I’m gonna sing my own song!”

“Good morning, starshine! The earth says, ‘Hello!’”

“There’s no knowing where we’re rowing,”

“You twinkle above us, we twinkle below.”

“Or which way the river’s flowing,”

“Good morning, starshine! You lead us along,”

“Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing?”

“My love and me, as we singing our early morning singing song.”

“Ugh, that’s it!” Genie broke out of his song. “You ruined the mood with your insipid hippy song! I-I mean… Hair? Really? Hair?”

“What?” Johnny said. “I like Hair.”

“You know what? That’s it, that’s it! Stop the boat! Stop it all!” Genie screamed.

There was suddenly blackness. When the lights came up again, they were docked next to a large door with a smaller door off to the side.

“We’re there,” Genie said.

“Where?” Mr. Teavee asked.

“Here. Now, get off the boat,” Genie said. He was obviously flustered that Johnny had ruined his scary moment.

“Daddy, I do not want a boat like this,” Egg Breath told her father as she got off the boat.

“Now, why don’t they show stuff like that on TV?” Cowboy asked his mom.

“I don’t know,” she replied.

“I’ve seen way scarier stuff than that on TV,” Spike said.

“Yeah, I wasn’t even scared for a second,” Blondie added.

Johnny walked over to a door that had a sign on it that read “Storeroom No. 54: Dairy Cream, Whipped Cream, Coffee Cream, Vanilla Cream, Hair Cream.”

“Oh, I see you use Hair Cream, too,” Johnny said to Genie. “You love to just lock in that moisture, don’t you?”

“No, I use that stuff for the cream in my Whoopie Pies,” Genie responded.

“Yuck, I’m never eating one of those again!” Duchess said.

Genie started to unlock a large set of double doors with double keys that fit into a double keyhole.

“What’s this room you’re unlocking?” Nut Case asked.

“This is the Inventing Room,” Genie said as he opened the door. He then stuck out his cane across the entryway to prevent anyone from going in. “Now, there’s no messing about inside this room. No touching, no tasting, no telling.”

1971 Joe asked, “No telling what?”

“You see,” Genie responded. “All of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes. So, don’t touch a thing!” He then let people proceed to enter the room.

Chapter Text

The Inventing Room was far less impressive than the Chocolate Room. It looked like a cluttered, messy garage more than anything else. There were simmering pots full of bubbling liquid scattered around the room, a machine shooting out puffs of smoke, pipes and tubes sprawling this way and that, turning turbines, a rack of pots and pans, and beakers and flasks all filled with different kinds of liquids.

“Inventing Room? Looks more like a Turkish bath to me,” 1971 Joe said.

“Not nearly as cool and sleek as my Inventing Room,” Johnny said.

Genie rolled his eyes.

“There’s so much junk in here,” Scarlett said.

Mrs. Teevee asked, “Who does your cleaning up?”

Genie started pouring a variety of different liquids into a beaker.

“Shouldn’t you be wearing gloves while working with chemicals?” Mr. Teavee asked.

“And goggles?” Spike said.

Rupert asked, “How do you get away with all this rubbish from the health inspectors?”

“Invention, my dear friends, is ninety-three percent perspiration, six percent electricity, four percent evaporation, and two percent Butterscotch Ripple,” Genie said as he stirred his concoction.

Spike said, “That’s a hundred and five percent. That’s not how percentages work.”

Genie drank his concoction.

“Any good?” Henry asked.

“Yes,” Genie replied in a high-pitched voice.

Genie then grabbed an alarm clock and walked over to one of the pots around the room. Egg Breath was standing over it, wafting its aroma around. Genie said, “Time is a precious thing. Never waste it.” He then dropped the clock into the pot.

“He’s absolutely bonkers!” Egg Breath said to Nut Case.

“Indeed,” Nut Case said.

“And that’s not bad,” Turtle said.

“No, for once, the wart has a point,” Johnny said. “Genie, even I wouldn’t use alarm clocks in my candy recipes.

Cowboy put a small, round, red candy into his mouth.

“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you,” Nut Case warned. “You never know what kind of twisted candies he’s making in here.”

Genie was on a bicycle-like device, which stirred up a mixture when pedaled. As he was doing so, he sang,

“In springtime, the only pretty ring time,

Birds sing, hey ding

A ding-a-ding.

Sweet lovers love

The spring!”

Suddenly, an explosion came out from Cowboy’s mouth, knocking him back into the rack of pots and pans.

“Mike!” his mother screamed.

“I told you not to, silly boy,” Genie said.

“I told you not to, either,” Nut Case said.

“Your teeth!” Mrs. Teevee said.

Cowboy blew out a puff of smoke into his mother’s face and said, “Boy, that’s great stuff.”

“That’s Exploding Candy for your enemies,” Genie said. “Great idea, isn’t it? Not ready yet, though. Still too weak. Needs more gelignite.”

Genie walked over to another pot and tasted its bubbling contents. He then picked up a pair of cleats and plopped them into the liquid.

“What’s that for?” Henry asked.

“Gives it a little kick!” Genie said.

“First clocks, now shoes? What’s wrong with you?” Johnny said.

“Sir, please, if you’re going to continue to criticize my practices, you can leave the tour,” Genie said.

Genie then went over to stick his hand in one of the pots. “Ah!” he cried as he quickly retrieved his hand.

“What’s the matter?” Duchess asked. “Too cold, Mr. Wonka?”

“No, too hot! Why would I scream like that if it was too cold?” He then dropped a dozen ice cubes into the mixture.

Scarlett then spotted a machine that was covered in cloth. Printed on the cloth were the words “KEEP OUT.” She looked underneath the cloth to see what the machine looked like, causing the machine to buzz in alarm.

“No! Don’t, please,” Genie yelled, making Scarlett flinch back a little. “Forgive me, but no one must look under there. This is the most secret machine in my entire factory. This is the one that’s really going to sizzle ol’ Slugworth.”

“What does it do?” Choccy asked.

“Would you like to see?” Genie asked.

The kids all unanimously replied, “Yeah!”

Genie then pressed a button, and the machine started up. Pistons were shooting out forward and back, a twirler was twirling, and a long rod on top was jutting upward and downward. But most importantly, coming out of the machine, moving along a conveyor belt, were small, colorful, strangely-shaped objects.

“What’s it do?” Turtle asked.

“Can’t you see? It makes Everlasting Gobstoppers,” Genie said.

“What?” Johnny said. “That’s an atomic paperweight; I don’t know where you got gobstopper.”

Genie closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. “Sir. Can’t you go one minute without criticizing my factory or my inventions?”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Johnny said.

“As I was saying,” Genie continued, “these are Everlasting Gobstoppers. For children with very little pocket money. You can suck ‘em forever.”

“I want an Everlasting Gobstopper!” Egg Breath cried.

“Me too!” Nut Case said.

“And me!” Cowboy said.

“I want one, too,” Duchess said.

“Fantastic invention. Revolutionize the industry. You can suck ‘em, and suck ‘em, and suck ‘em, and they’ll never get any smaller! Never! At least, I don’t think they do. Few more tests. Who wants an Everlasting Gobstopper?”

Several of the children called out, “Me!” and, “I do!”

“I can only give them to you if you solemnly swear to keep them for yourselves and never show them to another living soul as long as you all shall live,” Genie said. “Agreed?”

“Agreed,” all the children replied in unison.

Genie then proceeded to hand out gobstoppers to all eight children.

“Hey, Duchess has two!” Blondie yelled. “Give me another one!”

“Stop squawking, you twit!” Duchess said as she showed Blondie that she only had one gobstopper.

“Everybody has had one,” Genie said. “And one is enough for anybody. Now, come along.”

As Genie was walking over to another machine, he told the group, “Now, over here, if you’ll follow me, I have something rather special to show you.”

“Well, it’s special, all right,” Henry said at the sight of the machine. “I only hope my Veruca doesn’t want one,” he said to Rupert.

Cowboy exclaimed, “What a contraption!”

The machine was a large system of pullies, chains, tubes, pressure cookers, smashers, and other sorts of little contraptions.

“Isn’t she scrumptious?” Genie said. “She’s my revolutionary, non-pollutionary, mechanical wonder.”

Johnny inspected the machine more thoroughly. All around the machine were plates full of disgusting-looking mixtures and confectioneries. “Ick! What is this stuff? Is it even eatable?”

“It may look foul, but I assure you, the final product is stupendous,” Genie said.

Johnny saw suspended tubes that were leaking drops of liquid into the plates below them. He saw a pounding contraption with some smashed up tomatoes in it. He also saw a bell jar with a beehive inside it, with a tube winding underneath it, leaking honey. “I don’t know, I just never would have anything so… ugly in my factory.”

“Your factory. Your chocolate river. Your Oompa-Loompas! Your Inventing Room! Do you never stop blabbering about all your… stuff? Why do you always have to compare your everything to my everything? It’s so… it’s so… irritating!” Genie’s face was red, and it looked like anger was coursing through every vein and every bone in his body. “How would you like it if I criticized every aspect of you? You have skin that would make a vampire look tan! With that hair of yours, you look more like a woman than a man! And that voice! That voice! I didn’t think it was possible for a human to sound that annoying!”

Johnny simply responded, “Now, there’s no need to throw around childish insults.”

“Childish insu—?”  Genie took a big breath, then spoke quite calmly, “If you don’t like my factory, or my inventions, or my Oompa-Loompas, then I suggest you leave. Now!”

Johnny was stunned. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Genie. I guess I was being a little harsh, but come on, Genie! You and me are pals.”

“I wouldn’t describe our relationship as ‘pals,’ but… if you promise not to insult my factory anymore, I suppose you can stick around.”

Johnny smiled. “Good! And I won’t! Promise!”

Genie returned to address the tour group. “I’m terribly sorry you all had to endure that,” he told them.

“I thought it was pretty entertaining,” Spike said.

“Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Button, button, who’s got the button?”

Choccy spotted a button on the machine and pointed to it, saying, “It’s over there.”

Genie walked over to the button he pointed out. “Here?”

“Yep,” Choccy said.

Genie pressed the button, causing the entire machine to activate. Little buckets on a conveyor belt dumped some white powder down a funnel. The smasher smashed the tomatoes, causing tomato mush to go down another funnel. Duchess tried some of the squashed tomatoes. Some red sauce was squirted onto a plate full of confectioneries that looked almost like eyeballs. Boxing gloves pounded on a plate full of white powder. “What you are witnessing, dear friends,” Genie said, “is the most enormous miracle of the machine age. The creation of a confectionery giant!” A pressure cooker dropped on top of a plate of white confectioneries, and when the pressure cooker lifted, the confectioneries were all sorts of different colors.

Finally, a little, yellow candy plopped out of the machine and into a little glass case. Genie pressed a little button that stopped the machine. “Finito!” he said as he opened the glass case and took the little candy.

“That’s all?” Egg Breath asked.

“That’s all!” Genie said. “Don’t you know what this is?”

“It’s gum!” Blondie said.

“Wrong! It’s the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world!”

“Well, it’s still gum,” Blondie said, “so I’m still right.”

“Yes, but this isn’t ordinary gum,” Genie said.

Duchess asked, “What’s so fab about it?”

“This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner!”

“Bull!” Henry called out.

“No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet,” Genie told Henry.

“But roast beef is bull,” Spike said.

Duchess grabbed the piece of gum out of Wonka’s hand and said, “I wanna try it.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t do that,” Genie said. “I really wouldn’t.”

“So long as it’s gum, and that’s for me,” Duchess said.

Scarlett whispered into her daughter’s ear, “Well, are you just gonna let her steal the spotlight from you?”

“No,” Blondie responded.

“Then you go try some of that gum, too!”

“Gimme some of that gum!” Blondie said as she took half of the piece of gum Duchess was holding. Both of the Violets then started chewing furiously on the Three-Course Meal Chewing Gum.

“What’s it taste like?” Turtle asked.

“Tomato soup!” Blondie said. “I can feel it running down my throat!”

“It’s hot and creamy!” Duchess added.

“Stop, don’t,” Genie said apathetically.

“Why don’t they listen to Mr. Wonka?” Turtle asked his Grandpa Joe.

“Because, Charlie, they’re nitwits.”

“Hey, the second course is comin’ up!” Duchess said. “Roast beef!”

“With baked potato! Crispy skin and butter!” Blondie said.

“Keep chewin’, kiddo!” Scarlett said.

“What’s for dessert, baby?” Sam asked his daughter.

“Dessert?” Duchess said. “Here it comes…”

Blondie answered, “Blueberry pie and ice cream!”

“Holy Toledo, what’s happening to your face?” Sam said to Duchess.

“Cool it, Dad!” she responded.

“Both of your faces are turning blue!” Scarlett said.

“Violets, you’re tuning violet, Violets!” Sam said.

“What are you talking about?” Blondie said.

Genie explained, “I told you, I hadn’t got it quite right yet.”

“You can say that again!” Sam said. “Look what it’s done to our kids!”

“It always goes wrong when we come to the dessert,” Genie said. “Always.”

“Violet, you’re blowing up!” Scarlett screamed. “Both Violets are!”

Both Violets’ stomachs grew larger and larger. Blondie said, “I don’t feel too well.”

“I’m not surprised,” 1971 Joe said.

Duchess’s red belt snapped off due to her rapidly growing stomach. “What’s happening?” she cried.

“You’re blowing up like a balloon!” Sam said.

“Like a blueberry,” Genie corrected.

Cowboy started poking Duchess’s inflated stomach.

“What do we do?” Scarlett panicked.

“Prick them with a pin,” Mrs. Teevee suggested, only partly joking.

“It happens every time—they all become blueberries,” Genie said.

“You’ve really done it this time, haven’t you, Wonka?” Sam yelled up in Genie’s face. “I’ll break you for this!”

“Oh, well, I’ll get it right in the end,” Genie said to himself. He then pulled out his little flute and played a trill on it again.

“Help!” Duchess said.

“Help!” Blondie said. “Mr. Wonka, please!” Both Violets continued expanding to the point where now, they were two round, blue balls with a head, hands, and feet sticking out.

“How do we get the air out of them?” Scarlett asked Genie.

“There’s no air in them,” Genie said. “It’s juice.”

“Juice?” Scarlett responded.

An Oompa-Loompa appeared by Genie’s side, so he bent down and said to the little worker, “Would you roll these two young ladies down to the Juicing Room at once, please?”

“W-what for?” Scarlett asked.

“For squeezing,” Genie answered. “They have to be squeezed immediately before they explode.”

“Explode?” Scarlett said.

“Explode?” Sam reiterated.

Genie said, “It’s a fairly simple operation.”

The Oompa-Loompas all gathered around the two Violet blueberries and sang another song,

“Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo

I’ve got another puzzle for you!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Da-Dee

If you are wise, you’ll listen to me!

Gum chewing’s fine when it’s once in a while.

It stops you from smoking and brightens your smile.

But it’s repulsive, revolting, and wrong

Chewing and chewing all day long,

The way that a cow does!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Da

Given good manners, you will go far!

You will live in happiness, too,

Like the Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo!”

The Oompa-Loompas rolled both Violets out of the room as Sam and Scarlett were dragged out by two Oompa-Loompas. “I’ll get even with you for this, Wonka, if it’s the last thing I ever do!” Sam yelled.

“I can’t have a blueberry for a daughter,” Scarlett said as she squirmed out of the Oompa-Loompa’s grasp, “how is she supposed to compete?”

“Where is fancy bred? In the heart or in the head?” Genie said.

“What does that even mean?” Scarlett yelled. “I’ve had it with you! Take this!” She threw her daughter’s Everlasting Gobstopper at Genie, but Genie ducked, causing the gobstopper to hit the wall behind him. The gobstopper bounced off the wall and came flying back at Scarlett, hitting her in the face, and causing her to fall to the ground.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Genie said, “my gobstoppers bounce.”

Scarlett only groaned in response. The Oompa-Loompa from whom Scarlett escaped grabbed her limp body and continued to carry her out of the Inventing Room.

“Shall we roll on?” Genie asked the rest of the tour group as they walked out of the Inventing Room themselves.

Chapter Text

“Well, well, well, four naughty, nasty, little children gone; six good, sweet, little children left,” Genie told the group rather ominously as he stood in front of a multicolored door.

“I would hardly call most of them ‘good’ or ‘sweet,’” Johnny muttered under his breath.

Genie opened the door and led the tour group into a hallway with brightly colored wallpaper on the left wall. It had pictures of a vast variety of fruits printed on it. “Wait a minute,” Genie said as he spun around, “must show you this! Lickable Wallpaper for nursery walls! Lick an orange—it tastes like an orange! Lick a pineapple—it tastes like a pineapple! Go ahead, try it!”

The guests started to lick the various fruits on the wallpaper, and they uttered sounds of pure bliss as they experienced such rich flavors. “Wow! They actually taste like real fruit!” Choccy said.

“You’re right, Charlie, this is magnificent!” his grandpa replied.

“Try some more!” Genie said. “The strawberries taste like strawberries! The snozzberries taste like sno—”

In that moment, something completely unexpected happened. Something no one could have ever predicted—not even in their wildest dreams. A giant peach, at least twenty feet tall, came crashing through the wall of the factory, completely rolled over Genie, and crashed through the other side, continuing it’s tumble down the street.

Everyone gasped in shock as they saw the chocolatier get pummeled by the giant fruit. They were at a complete loss for words. Genie was on the floor among the rubble from the broken walls. Finally, he uttered a weak moan, “Heeeeeeeelp! Heeeeeeeeelp!”

Turtle, Choccy, and the two Grandpa Joes were the only ones to rush over and pull Genie out from the rubble. They tried to help him up to his feet, but he was in much too pain to do so.

“Charlie… either one of you… pull out my Oompa-Loompa whistle from my front left pocket in my coat and play it to alert the Oompa-Loompas.”

Choccy pulled out the whistle and blew hard on it, making a loud screeching noise.

“Ow!” cried Genie. “It’s an Oompa whistle, not a dog whistle! You have to play it delicately and add a little trill to the notes. That’s what the holes are for.”

“This is not the time for music lessons, Genie!” Johnny said.

Luckily, the Oompa-Loompas responded to the screeching whistle anyway. Once they saw the state that Genie was in, they called in special paramedic Oompa-Loompas, who carefully placed Genie onto a stretcher.

“Johnny,” Genie said, “I regret to say this… but you’re going to have to lead the tour for now.”

“What? But I don’t even know my way around this factory!”

“I know. I guess you’ll just have to figure it out. Good luck.” With that, the paramedic Oompa-Loompas carried Genie off to the factory’s hospital.

Everyone was still in a state of complete shock.

“Um… what just happened?” Mr. Teavee deadpanned.

“A giant peach rolling through a chocolate factory. I’ve seen it all, now,” said Henry.

“Well…” Johnny tried his best to take command of the group after this strange situation, “let’s just try to put this giant peach business behind us and continue the tour, shall we?”

The tour group turned at the corner at the end of the hallway and came across the entrance to a room on the right wall. “Oooooh, let’s see what’s in here!” Johnny said as he led everyone into the room.

It was a room that greatly expanded upward—perhaps about sixty feet—and at the top of the room was a large fan. At the bottom of the room was a machine of sorts that had hundreds and hundreds of bubbles floating out of it. The bubbles floated and flittered all throughout the room. Scattered around the ground floor of the room—placed on shelves, on tables, or simply on the floor—were hundreds of bottles and jugs filled with bubbly liquid.

“What are they making in here?” Egg Breath asked.

“Hm… not sure,” Johnny said. “But I don’t think Genie will mind if we all take a sampling.”

Upon Johnny’s permission, Turtle and his grandpa popped open one of the bottles and started chugging the liquid down.

Spike stared at the bottled liquids suspiciously. “I’m not trying out anything from this guy. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d prefer not to turn into a human blueberry.”

Once Spike reminded everyone of what had happened the last time someone tried something from Genie’s production line, they all hesitated on taking a sip from the bubbly concoction. That is, except for Turtle and his Grandpa Joe. It was too late for them.

“Eh, don’t worry; we’ll be fine,” 1971 Joe said. “You’re not turning blue, and I don’t seem to be turning blue, right, Charlie?”

“Nope. Come on, guys, I think we’re perfectly fiiiiiiiii—” At this moment, Turtle immediately started floating upward, higher and higher into the room. Shortly after, 1971 Joe joined him.

“See? I told you something weird was gonna happen,” Spike said.

“Wait… no, this is fun!” Turtle yelled with glee. He started doing flips and twirls in the air.

“Wheee!” 1971 Joe shouted delightedly as he swam through the air.

“I feel like Peter Pan!”

“If you’re Peter Pan, then I’m Tinker Bell!” Turtle’s grandpa said.

“Come on, everybody! If you drink the liquid, you’ll float, too!”

“Um, only one question,” Nut Case said, “how do you get down?”

Turtle and his grandpa suddenly looked at each other with stupefied faces. They had no idea how to get down.

“Uh, well, we can try ‘swimming’ down,” 1971 Joe suggested. Both he and Turtle took large breast strokes toward the ground, but to no avail. They kept floating higher at a faster rate than they could “swim” lower.

“Mr. Wonka! Help us! How do we get down?” Turtle pleaded to Johnny.

“I… actually don’t know. I never invented anything like this. Sorry.”

Turtle and his grandpa both looked up above them and noticed that they were inching toward the giant fan at the top of the room at an alarming rate.

“Somebody, help us! Please! We’re going to be shredded by the fan!” Turtle yelled.

“This is not going to end well,” Nut Case said.

“I can’t watch!” said Cowboy as he covered his eyes with his hands.

“Call one of those Moompa-Roompa things!” Rupert suggested. “They’ve got to know how to save them!”

“Wait a minute!” Choccy said. “Look at this!” He pointed to a large red button on the wall that was labeled “EMERGENCY FAN STOP.” “Do you think this will stop the fan?”

“Gee, I wonder,” Egg Breath said in a sarcastic tone.

Choccy pressed the button, causing the giant fan to slow down and finally come to a stop.

“We’re saved! Oh, thank you so much, Choccy!” Turtle said.

“Uh, Charlie, I wouldn’t be celebrating quite yet; we still don’t have a way to get down!”

Turtle and 1971 Joe continued to float up past the fan and into the factory’s ventilation system.

“Oh, dear,” Johnny said, a little panicked. “Where’s that Oompa whistle?” Choccy handed the whistle to Johnny, and the chocolatier played a little trill on it. Several Oompa-Loompas rushed into the room, and Johnny debriefed them on what had happened, “Turtle and his grandpa just floated up into the vents! We need someone to get them out of there!”

“We’ll get on that immediately!” one of the Oompa-Loompas said as they started to rush out of the room.

Johnny, however, stopped them before they could leave completely, “Wait, hold up! Aren’t ya gonna sing a song about Turtle? I mean, you did for the other kids that have been eliminated so far.”

The Oompa-Loompas all awkwardly stared at each other before one of them tentatively answered, “Oh, uh, yeah, of course. Come on, guys.” The little orange-faced men began to sing again, but their singing wasn’t quite as well synched up with each other, as was their dancing not as well choreographed.

“Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo

I’ve got another puzzle for you!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Da-Dee

If you are wise, you’ll listen to me!

What do you get when you… take things you’re not supposed to?

Drinking a soda that is… not right for you?

Even though you were not entirely at fault,

Because someone who has no authority told you it was all right to do so.

I hate it when that happens.

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Da

If you… don’t listen to false authority, you will go far!

You will live in happiness, too,

Like the Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo!”

“Hm. Not one of your better pieces,” Johnny said.

“Most of the lines didn’t even rhyme,” Mrs. Teevee said.

“Look, that was the best we could do,” an Oompa-Loompa said. “Now, we really need to go help Charlie and his grandpa right now.” The Oompa-Loompas all left the bubbly room on their quest to save the two floating guests.

“Well, I say we continue our tour! Shall we?” Johnny said as he merrily led the group out of the room and back into the hallway.

Chapter Text

“Ooooh, this looks like an interesting room!” Johnny gleefully remarked.

The room the tour group had just walked into was filled with giftboxes, ribbons, streamers, and other things to glamorize presents. Seated at several tables laid out across the room were Oompa-Loompas wrapping things in giftwrap. And the most amazing thing of all—overhead in the room, sitting in perched nests, were five white geese, four times the size of a regular goose. At that moment, one of the geese had laid an egg. But it wasn’t an ordinary goose egg. It was a great, big, beautiful golden goose egg!

“Oh, wow, look at that!” Johnny pointed out to the guests. “The geese lay golden eggs! Why, that’s amazing!”

The golden egg then dropped down from the nest onto a balance, which then tipped over, dropping the egg onto a purple-cushioned scale. The meter on the scale was labeled “GOOD” on one end and “BAD” on the other end. For this particular egg, the arrow on the meter tipped over toward “GOOD,” prompting an Oompa-Loompa to pick up the egg and place it in a cart to be brought to the wrapping tables.

Another egg fell onto one of the other scales, this time causing the arrow on the meter to tip toward “BAD.” At this, a loud honking sound was emitted, and the purple cushions dropped open as a trapdoor for the egg to fall into.

“What a remarkably fascinating contraption this is!” Choccy’s Grandpa Joe said.

“Hey, Daddy, I want a golden goose!” Egg Breath demanded.

“Here we go again—another idiot kid about to be eliminated because of their stupid, irrational decisions,” Spike said.

“All right, Sweetheart, all right,” Henry placated. “Daddy will get you a golden goose as soon as we get home.”

“No, I want one of those!” Egg Breath pointed to one of the geese sitting overhead.

“Well, Veruca, dear, I don’t know what to tell you. The other Wonka’s not even here. He’s the one who owns these geese.”

“I want one! I want a golden goose! Gooses! Geeses! I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter!”

“It will, Sweetheart.”

“At least a hundred a day!”

“Anything you say.”

“And by the way,”

“What?”

Rather unexpectedly for everyone, Egg Breath began to sing,

“I want a feast!”

“You ate before we came to the factory,” Henry said.

“I want a bean feast!”

“Oh, one of those.”

“Cream buns, and donuts,

And fruitcake with no nuts,

So good you could go nuts!”

“You can have all of those things when you get home.”

“No, now!

I want a ball!

I want a party!

Pink macarons,

And a million balloons,

And performing baboons, and

Give it me…

Now!”

Egg Breath ran over to the tables where the Oompa-Loompas were polishing and wrapping the golden eggs, causing the little workers to become a little nervous about the girl’s next move.

“I want the world!

I want the whole world!

I want to lock it

All up in my pocket,

It’s my bar of chocolate!

Give it me now!

I want today!

I want tomorrow!

I want to wear ‘em

Like braids in my hair, and

I don’t want to share ‘em!”

After her slight outburst, Egg Breath calmed down and regained her composure.

“I want a party with roomfuls of laughter,

Ten-thousand tons of ice cream!

And if I don’t get the things I am after,

I’m going to scream!”

Egg Breath grabbed a roll of golden giftwrap from one of the tables and threw it all around Johnny. Continuing her tantrum, she ran over and punched all the ribbons and streamers out from their baskets. She kicked the stacks of empty giftboxes. She grabbed one of the carts and pushed it towards the stack of empty boxes on the other side of the room. Despite the Oompa-Loompas’ panicked attempt to stop the cart, it ended up crashing into the large stack, causing all the boxes to tumble down.

“I want the works!

I want the whole works!

Presents, and prizes,

And sweets, and surprises

Of all shapes and sizes

And now!”

Egg Breath dashed over to one of the large, cushioned scales underneath the geese.

“Don’t care how,

I want it now!”

The repulsive girl then walked up on top of one of the scales to finish off her song.

“Don’t care how,

I want it nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!”

The trap door dropped out from underneath the girl, leading her down into the deep, dark pit. The loud honking was heard in conjunction with her screams, and the arrow on the meter leaned toward “BAD.”

“I guess Egg Breath was… a bad egg,” Nut Case said, reveling in the fact that she outlasted her counterpart.

“Wow, she was stupider than I thought!” Johnny said. “I mean, she literally stepped on that scale herself. That’s all her fault! One-hundred percent, all due to her stupidity!”

“Just like I said,” Spike remarked. “People are way too predictable.”

“Maybe if she wasn’t so busy singing, she could’a seen where she was going!” Cowboy said.

“I don’t care who’s fault it is, where did my daughter go to?” Henry asked, completely befuddled about the whole situation.

“Don’t look at me! I don’t run this factory! Hey, you,” Johnny called over one of the Oompa-Loompas. “Where did the little brat drop down to?”

“The garbage chute,” the Oompa-Loompa replied matter-of-factly.

“Well, where does the chute lead to?” Henry asked.

“The furnace.”

“The furnace?! She’ll be sizzled like a sausage!” Henry looked as if he were about to faint.

“Well…” the Oompa-Loompa thought for a moment, “she could be stuck just inside the tube.”

“Inside the… hold on!” Henry dashed toward the open trapdoor that his daughter fell down. “Veruca, Sweetheart! Daddy’s coming!” As he dumped himself down the chute, a honking sound was emitted once more as the arrow on the meter turned toward “BAD.”

“Serves her right, I say,” Nut Case said.

“Serves both of them right,” Rupert added.

“You’re one to talk,” Mr. Teavee mumbled.

As expected, the Oompa-Loompas all gathered together to sing a song,

“Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo

I’ve got another puzzle for you!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Da-Dee

If you are wise, you’ll listen to me!

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat,

Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?

Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame;

You know exactly who’s to blame:

The mother and the father!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Da

If you’re not spoiled, then you will go far!

You will live in happiness, too,

Like the Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo!”

“Well, now that the Oompa-Loompas have sung their song, that must be our cue to move on to the next room!” Johnny led everyone out in a giddy march. “Come along, everybody! Adventure awaits! And hopefully we’ll stop losing kids along the way.”

Chapter Text

Paris Themmen: Attention! This is Paris Themmen. You know, the original Mike Teevee from 1971's Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory? I have hijacked Sonny April's fanfiction to tell you to stop reading it right now! He is currently writing the next chapter after four years, and he must be stopped! This fanfiction is an insult to the original film and everything it stands for! It spits on the classic film's heralded legacy in service of propping up the garbage Johnny Depp film! And I for one won't stand for it!

Julie Dawn Cole: Paris? What are you doing here?

Paris: Oh, hi, Julie! I was just hijacking this idiotic fanfiction to stop it from slandering our movie.

Julie: Oh, Paris. Don't you think you're being a bit harsh? Which fanfiction is it?

Paris: A Trip to 1971.

Julie: Oh, I HATE A Trip to 1971! Do you mind if I join you in your sabotage?

Paris: Go on right ahead! Why don't you introduce yourself to the readers?

Julie: Hello, readers. I'm Julie Dawn Cole; I played the original Veruca Salt. Now, on to desecrate this fanfiction.

Paris: Yes, please. Now, where should we start?

Julie: Well, first of all, what stupid nicknames he gave to all the characters. I mean, really. Egg Breath? What was he thinking?

Paris: And he just called the two Wonkas by their actors' names. How lazy is that? He didn't even justify it well at all.

Peter Ostrum: Hey, what's going on here? You guys are having a reunion and you didn't tell me?

Julie: Oh, hi, Peter. Paris and I were just vehemently attacking A Trip to 1971.

Peter: Oh, don't even get me started on A Trip to 1971!

Paris: Don't you want to introduce yourself to the readers?

Peter: Oh, who cares? The readers know who I am. And if they don't, they have Google. Now, what a load of garbage this fanfiction is. It belongs with all the bad eggs in the furnace. I mean, it's an insult to the original movie.

Paris: It's more of an insult to the original movie than the Johnny Depp movie was. And that's saying a lot.

Peter: Yeah, I mean, we're the ORIGINAL! You can't beat the original. There wouldn't be a Johnny Depp movie at all if it weren't for OUR movie. It's not like it was based on a book or anything.

Paris: Yeah, and what an insult to Gene Wilder this fanfiction is. The author crushed him with a giant peach! You're really going to do that to such an iconic and legendary actor? How disrespectful. How degrading.

Peter: Gene Wilder is definitely rolling in his grave with this one.

Paris: I mean, the author is so obviously biased toward the Johnny Depp movie. Every single joke is at the expense of OUR movie, never the other movie. This fanfiction is nothing but an excuse to point and laugh at the classic film. How pathetic can you get?

Julie: And how come MY version of Veruca was eliminated, but not the other one? The two Augustuses were eliminated together. The two Violets were eliminated together. But now with Veruca, he shows favoritism?

Peter: And he eliminated my version of Charlie! Charlie's not even supposed to be eliminated at all!

Paris: Oh, and don't get me started on Mike. The author has such a huge bias toward the Mike from the Johnny Depp movie. We get it, you think Jordan Fry's Mike Teavee is the greatest character to ever exist!

Jordan Fry: You called?

Paris: Jordan! What are you doing here?

Jordan: I don't know, what are YOU guys doing here?

Paris: Um, nothing, just—

Jordan: Oh, you guys are reading A Trip to 1971? Awesome! I love that fanfiction!

Paris: Of course you would.

Jordan: What's that supposed to mean?

Paris: Nothing, nothing. But I don't know if I would trust the opinion of someone whose acting career peaked when they were eleven years old.

Jordan: Oh, look who's talking! At least I'm trying to get back into acting.

Paris: Yeah, and failing.

Jordan: Well, at least I'm not fat and bald!

Paris: Okay, that was uncalled for.

AnnaSophia Robb: Hello, everyone!

Jordan: Hey, AnnaSophia!

AnnaSophia: Jordan! Long time no see!

Paris: Oh, look. An actual actor.

Jordan: Shut up, Paris.

Julie: AnnaSophia! I loved you in that Bridge to Terabithia movie.

Peter: I loved you in Because of Winn-Dixie. You were so cute in that movie.

AnnaSophia: Thank you! And what about my role in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

Julie: Well…

Peter: Gee, I…

Jordan: Ignore them, AnnaSophia. They don't know what they're talking about; they were just trashing A Trip to 1971.

AnnaSophia: You guys were trashing A Trip to 1971? But why? How could anyone hate it? It's a great fanfiction!

Julie: You actually like this rubbish?

AnnaSophia: Of course I do!

Freddie Highmore: As do I!

Peter: Not you, too, Freddie! We were all rooting for you!

Paris: Oh, look, Jordan! I see two brilliant young actors with promising careers. And then there's you.

AnnaSophia: Hey, that wasn't very nice!

Freddie: Yeah, you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!

Jordan: Dang, I feel like with the amount of power we hold right now, we could even get Julia Winter out of hiding.

Julia Winter: Hello.

Freddie, Jordan, and AnnaSophia: No way!

Julia Winter: Yes, it is I, the elusive Julia Winter. I only have a limited amount of time before I go back into hibernation, so what is it that you needed me for?

Julie Dawn Cole: Dear Julia, from one Veruca to another, perhaps you can talk some sense into your former co-stars. Can you please explain to them how A Trip to 1971 is an absolute pile of rubbish?

Julia Winter: What? I love A Trip to 1971.

Julie Dawn Cole: You, too? Ugh.

Paris: Forget them, Julie. They're just biased because this fanfiction is in favor of their trashy movie.

AnnaSophia: You just don't get it, old man! It's not just us. All the cool kids nowadays like OUR movie better.

Jordan: Yeah, and anyways, your version of the movie gets tons of praise all the time. It deserves to be knocked down a peg.

Paris: See, this is exactly what I mean! The author is showing favoritism toward the Johnny Depp film right now as we speak! He's making us original cast members sound like crotchety, old jerks; meanwhile, he's writing you newer cast members to be the young, hip cool kids in town! It's so unfair!

Peter: Paris, I think this is becoming too meta for its own good now.

Freddie: Yes, I agree with my fellow Charlie, I think we should end this now before the fabric of our reality unravels entirely.

Julia Winter: Wait, how come neither of the Augustus actors showed up?

Michael Böllner: Sorry, I didn't want to say anything because my English isn't very good.

Philip Wiegratz: I just didn't want to get involved.

Julie Dawn Cole: This is quite getting out of hand now! Let's end this thing.

Jordan: Well, I think we can all agree that one thing is absolutely certain—none of us learned a single thing from this experience.

Chapter Text

The tour group entered a room where Oompa-Loompas were pouring bottles of liquid into an engine of a large vehicle. “Oh, my! What a curious contraption this is,” Johnny said. “Uhh, what is it, exactly?”

“It’s the Wonkamobile,” one of the Oompa-Loompas said.

“What are you filling it up with?” Johnny asked.

The Oompa-Loompa answered, “Ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, Bubbleade, Bubble Cola, Double Cola, Double-Bubble-Burp-A-Cola. You know.”

“And this thing runs on that stuff?”

“You bet it does. There’s a lot of power in all that carbonated stuff.”

“Great!” Johnny said as he climbed up to the driver’s seat at the top of the Wonkamobile. There was a steering wheel, a large lever, and a bunch of little knobs and gadgets for operating the vehicle.

“Wait, you can’t drive this!” one of the Oompa-Loompas said. “You don’t know how! Only Mr. Wonka knows how… and I mean our Mr. Wonka.”

“Oh, how hard could it be?” Johnny said. “If Genie invented it, I’m sure I can figure it out.” The Oompa-Loompas decided to let him do what he wanted. “All right, everyone,” Johnny said, addressing the tour group, “grab a seat and let’s see what this thing can do!”

“Mr. Wonka,” 2005 Grandpa Joe said, “There aren’t enough seats on this thing for us all. There’s only four seats, and there’s eight of us.”

“Then I suppose the children will have to sit on their wardens’ laps like on the boat,” Johnny said.

In the two seats in the front, Nut Case sat on Rupert’s lap, and Cowboy sat on Mrs. Teevee’s lap. In the two seats in the back, Spike sat on Mr. Teavee’s lap, and Choccy sat on his Grandpa Joe’s lap.

“Okay, let’s get this thing started!” Johnny said. He pulled the lever forward, and the Wonkamobile started to move ahead slowly. “Is this really as fast as this thing can go?” Johnny started twisting all the little knobs and thingamabobs, but none of them made the vehicle go any faster. White, bubbly foam started seeping out from the Wonkamobile’s boiler-like engine. Foam erupted from the tall smokestack at the top, splattering all over Johnny. “Ahhh! My hair! My clothes!” he cried.

Foam spewed out from a tuba-like funnel at the front of the vehicle, dowsing the Salts and the Teevees. “My coat!” Nut Case screamed. “My beautiful mink coat has been ruined!”

“Do you know how expensive that coat was, Wonka?” Rupert said. “We’re sending you our cleaning bill!”

“You think I wanted this to happen?” Johnny said. “My beautiful coat has been ruined, too, you know! How do I stop this thing?” He tried all the buttons and knobs, but the Wonkamobile kept trucking forward.

Foam cascaded down onto the Buckets and the Teavees as well. “It’s cold, Grandpa!” Choccy said.

“This is awesome!” Spike said, in a rare moment of joy.

“This is not awesome,” Mr. Teavee said.

Foam continued to spray over the entire vehicle and all the riders. “It’s getting in my eye!” Cowboy screamed. “It’s sticking to my gun!”

“I’m soaked!” Mrs. Teevee said.

“It’s getting in my shoes, Daddy! Make it stop!” Nut Case yelled.

“I can’t, Darling! Not even Mr. Wonka can!” Rupert said.

“What was Genie thinking when he invented this thing?” Johnny said, dripping in foam. “My poor hair! All that hair cream gone to waste!”

The Wonkamobile then passed through a carwash-like device, and the entire vehicle scrunched up to a seemingly impossible degree. Once the vehicle was unscrunched through the other end, it was completely, spotlessly clean. Even all the riders were just as dry and clean as they had been before, if not cleaner.

“I’m dry-cleaned!” Mrs. Teevee said.

“Oh, thank heavens!” Johnny said. “What a wonderful invention! An instant dry-cleaner!” The Wonkamobile ran out of fuel, so it slowed to a stop.

“That’s the Hsawaknow,” an Oompa-Loompa at the end of the room said, coming to greet the guests back from their ride.

“Is that Japanese?” Mrs. Teevee asked.

“No, it’s ‘Wonkawash’ spelled backwards,” the Oompa-Loompa said.

“I guess you guys were right; I must’ve not known how to operate this thing properly,” Johnny said, climbing down from his seat. “I couldn’t get it to move any faster, and there was foam spewing out from it everywhere.”

“No, you were actually operating it perfectly,” an Oompa-Loompa said. “It’s supposed to work like that.”

“Really? So then my question still remains—what was Genie thinking when he invented this thing?”

All the other guests got out of their seats as well.

Spike looked back at the distance they had travelled in the Wonkamobile and saw that it really wasn’t all that far at all. “You mean this is as far as we went?” he said. “We could’ve just walked across this room. It probably would’ve been faster, too.”

“If the Good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn’t have invented roller skates.”

Everyone turned around to see who had spoken, and they saw Genie standing proudly behind them.

Johnny’s face split into a wide grin and he dashed over to Genie excitedly, saying, “Genie! You’re okay! You’re back!”

“Hello, Johnny. I have to admit, it’s good to be in your presence again,” Genie said.

“It’s great to see you back so soon, Mr. Wonka!” Choccy said.

“How did you recover so quickly?” Johnny asked.

“I’m Willy Wonka, that’s how,” Genie said. “So what did I miss while I was gone?”

“Oh, not much,” Johnny said. “A couple brats got bumped off. You know, the usual business around here.”

“I see you just experienced my lovely Wonkamobile. What did you think of her?”

“Well, I would tell you, but I promised I wouldn’t criticize your factory anymore,” Johnny said, smirking.

“Right.” Genie smirked back. “Let’s continue with the tour, shall we?” Genie walked over to a door with a sign overhead that read “EXTREME DANGER.” Next to the door were five white coverall suits resting on coat hangers. “Now, would you all please put these on?” Genie said. “We have to be very careful—there’s dangerous stuff inside.”

“Mr. Wonka,” 2005 Joe said, “there are only five suits, and there are ten of us in all.”

“So there are,” Genie said. “Okay, who’s willing to risk radiation poisoning in order to see my newest invention?”

Johnny was the only one to raise his hand.

“Okay, follow-up question,” Genie said, “who’s willing to stay out here while we go inside this next room? We need four volunteers.”

“I will,” Nut Case said. “I know something weird is going to happen in there, and I don’t want to be involved.”

“And I’ll stay with her,” Rupert said.

“I’ll stay behind as well,” 2005 Joe said. “Charlie, you go ahead and see Mr. Wonka’s marvelous invention.”

“Great,” Genie said. “We only need one more person to stay behind.”

After a few moments of silence, Choccy spoke up, “I suppose if no one else is willing to stay out here, I will.”

Joe said, “Oh no, Charlie. Don’t miss out on this. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”

“But I want to, Grandpa,” Choccy said. “Otherwise, who will keep you company?”

“Ah, very well, Charlie. If that’s what you want.”

“Now that that’s all settled, let’s the rest of us put these on,” Genie said, slipping into his coverall suit.

Spike, Mr. Teavee, Cowboy, and Mrs. Teevee all put on their coverall suits as well. They all joined Genie inside the room, along with Johnny, who wasn’t wearing a coverall suit.

Chapter Text

Genie, Johnny, Cowboy, Mrs. Teevee, Spike, and Mr. Teavee walked into a room that was completely white from top to bottom. The floor was white, the ceiling was white, and all the walls were white. Even the Oompa-Loompas’ suits were completely white in this room. On one end of the room was a large, white television camera, and on the other end was a white table with a small television set on it.

“Wonkavision!” Genie shouted. “My very latest and greatest invention.”

“Oh, you mean Television Chocolate?” Johnny said.

“No, I mean Wonkavision.”

“Well, we call it Television Chocolate in my factory.”

“Well, we call it Wonkavision in my factory,” Genie said. “Now, I suppose you all know how ordinary television works: you photograph something—”

“Sure, I do!” Cowboy interrupted. “You photograph something, then the photograph is split up into millions of tiny pieces, and they go whizzing through the air, down to your TV set, where they’re all put together again in the right order.” Cowboy turned toward Spike. “See? I know things, too,” he said smugly.

“That’s not exactly how it works,” Spike said.

Genie ignored both of them. “So I said to myself, if they can do it with a photograph, why can’t I do it with a bar of chocolate?”

“That’s impossible,” Spike said. “You don’t understand anything about science. First off, there’s a difference between waves and particles. Duh! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs!”

“Impossible, you say?” Genie said. “Well, watch this.” He pointed his cane at four Oompa-Loompas carrying a massive Wonka Bar. They placed it on a pedestal in front of the giant television camera. Genie continued, “I shall now send this chocolate bar from one end of the room to the other. It has to be big, because whenever you transmit something by television, it always ends up smaller on the other end.”

“That’s not true!” Spike said. “The only thing that makes the picture smaller is the screen size. If you had a big enough screen, you could make things bigger than they really are with television.”

“Well, we don’t have a TV that big here, do we?” Genie said. “Now, please do be quiet.”

“Yes, please, Mike, stop interrupting Mr. Wonka,” Mr. Teavee said.

“Goggles on, please,” Genie said. Everyone put them on, except Johnny, who didn’t have any goggles, so he covered his eyes with his hands. Genie shouted, “Lights, camera, action!” There was a blinding flash of light, then Mrs. Teevee screamed, and then the Wonka Bar was gone. “You may remove your goggles,” Genie said. Everyone took them off.

“Where’d the chocolate go?” Mr. Teavee asked.

“It’s flying over our heads in a million pieces,” Genie answered. The group walked across the room to the table with the little TV set. “Now, watch the screen,” Genie said. He started adjusting some knobs on a little device next to the TV. “Here it comes.” The Wonka Bar materialized on the screen, now the size of a regular Wonka Bar. “There it is. Take it,” Genie said to Spike.

“It’s just a picture on a screen,” Spike responded.

“All right, you take it,” Genie said to Cowboy.

“It’s just a picture on a screen,” Cowboy said.

“All right, fine! I’ll take it!” Genie said. He reached into the TV screen and pulled the Wonka Bar out of it. Genie offered the bar to Spike. “Now, go on, taste it. It’s delicious. It’s just gotten smaller, that’s all.”

Spike backed away from the bar like it was radioactive. “Nuh-uh. I hate chocolate.”

“Boy, you’re just no fun, are you?” Genie said. He then offered it to Cowboy. “Come on, won’t you try it?”

Cowboy took the bar from Genie and ripped it open. He took a bite of it and said, “It’s a TV dinner!”

“It’s unbelievable!” Mrs. Teevee said.

“It’s a miracle,” Mr. Teavee said.

“It’s Wonkavision,” Genie said.

“It’s Television Chocolate,” Johnny said. He turned toward the group proudly and said, “I invented this, too, you know! And it works just as well in my own factory.”

“Oh, I do congratulate you, I really do,” Genie said flatly.

“It could change the world. Right, Mike?” Mr. Teavee said.

“Depends,” Spike said. “Can you send other things besides chocolate?”

“Anything you’d like,” Genie said.

Cowboy saw where Spike was going with this and tried to beat him to the punch, “What about people?”

“People?” Genie said. “Why would I want to send people?”

“Don’t you realized what you’ve invented?” Spike said. “It’s a teleporter! It’s the most important invention in the history of the world!”

Cowboy agreed, “Yeah, you crazy, old coot! Why are you wasting a thing like this on chocolate?”

“Mike! You watch your mouth!” Mrs. Teevee said.

Spike said to Cowboy, “If only we could somehow demonstrate to these idiots what this thing was really meant for. But we’d need someone willing to test it out. Someone brave. Someone fearless. Like the old heroes of the West…”

“That’s me!” Cowboy shouted. “I’ll do it! Just you guys watch! I’ll prove it to all of you!” Cowboy ran up to the podium in front of the giant camera. “Look at me, I’m gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television!” He pushed a little, red button next to the podium and put on his goggles.

“Mike, get away from that thing!” Mrs. Teevee yelled.

“Stop, don’t, come back,” Genie said, deadpan.

“Lights, camera, action!” Cowboy shouted. There was a bright flash of light, and Cowboy had completely disappeared.

“Mike! Where are you?” Mrs. Teevee screamed.

Spike laughed. “Wow, can’t believe he actually fell for it.”

Mrs. Teevee turned to Spike. “You think this is funny?” she said to him. “It’s your fault my son is gone! You made him do it!”

“I didn’t make him do anything! He volunteered!”

Mrs. Teevee got up in Mr. Teavee’s face and said, “Your son is the rudest, nastiest little monster I’ve ever seen! I suggest you keep him on a tighter leash, because you clearly haven’t been doing a good job raising him so far!”

“Hey, listen, lady!” Mr. Teavee said. “My son may not be perfect, but yours sure isn’t, either! As I recall, my son wasn’t the one to strangle another kid.”

“No, but your son did punch my son!”

“Only because your son punched my son first!”

Genie and Johnny looked at each other. They both had enough of this nonsense.

Genie said, “Madame Teevee, your son is not gone. Come watch the screen.”

Mrs. Teevee walked up to the TV set and called, “Mike?” The screen was still blank. “Why is it taking so long?”

“There’s definitely something coming through,” Genie said, turning the knobs on the device.

“Is it Mike?”

“Well, it’s hard to tell, but I—”

Mrs. Teevee wailed. Her son had appeared on the TV screen, but he was only a few inches tall.

“Look at me, everybody, I’m the first person in the world to be sent by television!” Cowboy shouted from within the TV, flailing his arms. “Wow, what a wild trip that was! It’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me! Am I coming in clear? Hey, Mom, I said, am I coming in clear?”

“See? Told ya it could be used as a teleporter,” Spike said.

“Yeah, but he’s completely shrunk!” Mrs. Teevee yelled.

Spike said, “Well, yeah. Didn’t you see what happened to the chocolate bar?” He turned to Genie. “You’re gonna have to fix that flaw if you want to make this a proper teleporter.”

“Wonkavision is not intended to be used as a teleporter,” Genie said.

“Wow, that was something,” Cowboy said, stepping out of the screen and climbing down the television set. “Can I do it again?”

“No, there’ll be nothing left!” Mrs. Teevee said.

“Don’t worry about a thing, Mom; I feel fine! I’m famous! I’m a TV star! Wait till the kids back home hear about this!”

Mrs. Teevee picked up Cowboy with her fingers. “Nobody’s gonna hear about this!”

“Where’re you taking me?”

Mrs. Teevee put Cowboy into her purse.

“I don’t wanna go in there!” Cowboy yelled.

“Be quiet,” Mrs. Teevee said.

“Can’t you send him back the other way?” Spike asked.

“What do you mean ‘the other way’?” Genie returned the question.

“You know, there was a way to make him from big to small. Isn’t there a way to send him from small to big?”

“No, that’s not how this works; there is no ‘other way.’”

“Well, shoot. Glad I wasn’t the one who tested it out,” Spike snickered.

“Then what’re we gonna do about him?” Mrs. Teevee asked.

Genie took Mrs. Teevee’s purse and said, “Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic, so I think we’ll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick.” He leaned down to one of the Oompa-Loompas. “To the Taffy-Pulling Room. You’ll find the boy in his mother’s purse, but be extremely careful.” The Oompa-Loompa took the purse.

“T-t-taffy-pull—” Mrs. Teevee stammered. She saw the Oompa-Loompa whisper something in Genie’s ear. “W-what’s he saying?” she asked.

“No, no, I won’t hold you responsible,” Genie said to the Oompa-Loompa.

Mrs. Teevee fainted, and Mr. Teavee caught her in his arms.

Genie leaned over to Mrs. Teevee and said, “And now, my dearest lady, it’s time to say goodbye.”

Mrs. Teevee moaned.

“No, no, don’t speak,” Genie said. “For some moments in life, there are no words. Run along, now.”

Mr. Teavee pushed Mrs. Teevee forward, and two Oompa-Loompas caught her and dragged her out of the room.

“Adieu, adieu. Parting is such sweet sorrow,” Genie said.

The Oompa-Loompas in the room started gathering around to sing another song,

“Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo

I’ve got another puzzle for you!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Da-Dee

If you are wise, you’ll listen to me!

What do you get from a glut of TV?

A pain in the neck and an IQ of three.

Why don’t you try simply reading a book?

Or could you just not bear to look?

You’ll get no,

You’ll get no,

You’ll get no,

You’ll get no,

You’ll get no commercials!

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Da

If you’re not greedy, you will go far!

You will live in happiness, too,

Like the

Oompa

Oompa-Loompa-Doompa-Dee-Doo!”

“Well, what did greed have anything to do with it?” Johnny said.

“Huh?” Genie said.

“In the Oompa-Loompa song, they said, ‘If you’re not greedy, you will go far.’ That little boy’s problem wasn’t that he was greedy; it was that he watched too much television. And television in the 70s, no less. That stuff will definitely rot your brain.”

“I’m a trifle deaf in this ear; speak a little louder next time,” Genie said. “Now, come on, there’s people waiting for us outside. We must move along.” Genie led Johnny, Spike, and Mr. Teavee out of the Wonkavision Room.

Chapter Text

Genie, Johnny, Spike, and Mr. Teavee all exited the Wonkavision Room, took off their white coverall suits, and set them back on the coat hangers. They reunited with Nut Case, Rupert, Choccy, and 2005 Grandpa Joe in the hallway just outside the room.

“Great, now that we’re all together again, shall we move on with the tour?” Johnny asked.

“Wait a minute,” Genie said. He glanced at the three children who were still remaining. “Where’s Charlie?” he asked.

“What do you mean? Charlie’s right here.” Johnny pointed to Choccy.

“No, no, I mean where’s my Charlie? Turtle, I believe his nickname was.”

“Oh, him. Didn’t I tell you? He was eliminated a few rooms back.”

“He what?!” Genie yelled.

Johnny said, “Yeah. He drank one of those floaty drinks with his grandpa and they floated up into the ventilation system. Luckily, we were able to stop the giant fan before they were cut to pieces.”

“Oh, no. No, no, that wasn’t supposed to happen! Damn, if it hadn’t been for that giant peach!”

“Wait, what do you mean that wasn’t supposed to happen?” Spike said. “Are you saying you had all of this planned out?”

Genie said, “Listen, this whole tour was supposed to be a test to see who would become the heir to my entire factory. The last child remaining would be the one I would choose to be my heir, and that child was supposed to be Charlie. But now look. I’m left with three children, all of whom aren’t even from this dimension. I can’t choose any of you to be my heir.”

“If you’re supposed to pick the last remaining child to be your heir, that would be Cowboy,” Johnny said. “He was the last kid from this dimension remaining on the tour.”

“Are you kidding? I don’t want him as my heir! Would you?”

“No, of course not.”

“Exactly. Charlie was the obvious choice,” Genie said. “I knew he might’ve gotten into a little trouble in the Fizzy Lifting Drinks Room, but he wasn’t supposed to be eliminated there! That’s why I gave out the gobstoppers; it would’ve given him a chance to redeem himself.”

“Okay, so things didn’t go exactly according to plan, but so what? If you want Turtle as your heir, no one’s stopping you,” Johnny said.

“You’re right. We just have to find him. Would you please hand over the Oompa whistle?”

Johnny pulled out the whistle from his coat pocket and gave it to Genie.

Genie blew on the whistle, and an Oompa-Loompa came rushing to his side. “Do you know where Turtle and his grandpa are currently located?” he asked the little worker.

“Last I heard, they landed in the Marshmallow Room,” the Oompa-Loompa said.

“Got it. Thank you.” Genie dismissed the diminutive man. “Come along, everybody. It looks like we’re going to have to take a little detour.” Genie opened up a hidden doorway in the hallway, and behind it was a set of double doors. Genie pressed a button on the wall, causing the double doors to slide open. Behind the double doors was the rocket-like Wonkavator. “We’ll take the Wonkavator,” Genie said, opening the door to the contraption.

“Yes, I’m already quite familiar with this invention of yours,” Johnny said as he got in.

Once everyone was in, Genie closed the door. With eight people inside, it was quite cramped.

“Spike, get your elbow out of my face!” Nut Case said.

“Well, sorry, but I’m getting squeezed by three grown men in three different directions. I don’t have anywhere else to put it.”

“I do apologize, Michael,” Rupert said.

“We’re just like a bunch of little sardines in a can, aren’t we? Ha ha!” Johnny said.

“It certainly smells like sardines in here,” Spike said.

Genie pressed a button that was labeled “MARSHMALLOWS.” The Wonkavator started rattling around violently, then it shot to the right at an incredible speed.

As the Wonkavator blasted off toward its destination, Choccy asked Genie, “Mr. Wonka, if we’re going to go rescue Turtle right now, what does that mean for the other children? Are they going to be all right?”

“My dear boy, I promise you they’ll be quite all right,” Genie answered. “They’ll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. I’m sure we’ll even see all of them later today. But I have to make sure Turtle is all right, because I hadn’t anticipated that he’d float up into the vents.”

Spike said, “So, let’s just get this straight—you had anticipated everything else that happened on the tour? Maybe even planned for it?”

“You should open your mouth a little wider when you speak,” Genie said.

“And I’d like to know a little bit more about this gobstopper plan you had,” Johnny said. “You said it was a way to give Turtle a chance to redeem himself if he got into trouble with the Fizzy Lifting Drinks. How so?”

“Well, he hopefully would’ve given the gobstopper back to me instead of betraying me and giving it to Slugworth. You see, I hired this man named Wilkinson to impersonate Slugworth—”

“You did plan all this out, didn’t you?” Johnny said.

“You didn’t?” Genie asked.

“No. Seems like an incredible waste of time and effort. And anyways, what would’ve happened if Turtle never gave you the gobstopper back, and one of those rotten kids gave their gobstopper back instead? Would you then be obligated to choose them as your heir?”

“Well, no… not exactly, but… Listen, I’m not going through with that plan anymore, so just forget about it. I’m selecting Turtle as my heir, and that’s that.”

The Wonkavator stopped abruptly, as they had arrived at their destination. Everyone stepped out of the contraption and into the Marshmallow Room.

In the center of the room was a large vat used for mixing marshmallows, and two people were currently being helped out of the vat by several Oompa-Loompas. The two people happened to be Turtle and his Grandpa Joe, and they were both covered from head to toe in marshmallow goo.

“Charlie!” Genie said. “There you are! Thank goodness you’re all right!”

“Yep, just a little sticky is all,” Turtle said.

“Oh, I could hug you right now… but I won’t, because I don’t want to ruin my suit. How ever did you end up here?”

“Well, I… I guess I…”

1971 Grandpa Joe answered, “I might’ve encouraged Charlie to drink some of your special soda. We both started floating up and up until we went up into the vents. Then we, uh… expelled some gas, and we came down again, and the vent we happened to be in at the time was positioned right above this vat of marshmallow cream here.”

“I see. Well, there are certainly worse places you two could have fallen into,” Genie said.

“Oh, Mr. Wonka, I’m so sorry for what I’ve done,” Turtle said. “I know what I did was a terrible mistake. I wish I had never taken a drink of that soda at all.”

“Oh, my dear boy, there’s no use in grieving over the past… because you’ve won!”

“Huh? I don’t understand. What did I win?”

“The contest, of course! Why did you think I sent out the Golden Tickets?”

“Oh! But how come I won? What did I do?”

“You simply were yourself. I’ve decided I like you the best out of all the ticket winners, so you won!”

“Wow, that’s great! Thank you, Mr. Wonka, I’m honored! But what happens now that I’ve won?”

“Here, how about we get you and your Grandpa Joe cleaned up, and I’ll tell you all about it on the way.”

“Um, so what about the rest of us?” Johnny asked. “What do we do now?”

“Oh, yes. You can go back to your suites for now,” Genie said. “We’ll be holding a party tonight in the Chocolate Room. The Oompa-Loompas will give you more information soon.”

“A party? Here’s hoping it’ll go better than the dinner last night,” Mr. Teavee said.