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1. From the moment he met John, Sherlock knew he'd be just like the others.
See, there was a time in Sherlock's life where he was loved by everyone: his family, his peers, teachers, family friends, and to some extent, even strangers. Contrary to popular belief, Sherlock had friends growing up. Sherlock was outspoken and charismatic. He could wrap anyone around his finger. He could be human and down to earth. He could make a whole room of strangers laugh; at a joke or at someone's expense. He was a fine specimen. Almost worshipped at his stuck up, private school. He could fit into any crowd as if he'd known them all his life (which, to be fair, he usually could deduce most of anyone's lives in under a minute). With his easy charm and bright personality, many of his peers longed to be his friend or closer.
Which was a problem.
From people he'd never held a conversations with, people he'd only caught brief glimpses of in school hallways, to his closest of friends Sherlock Holmes was easy to catch feelings for. And boy did plenty of people fall quick.
At first Sherlock thought it was cute. He was fascinated with watching the stages of crushing on him unfold. With close friends, it was slower, sometimes even undetectable until the feelings were strong and obvious in actions. Many of his friends didn't find themselves falling for him until after they'd been acquainted for some time. With strangers, it was a distinct longing. Sometimes the longing was simply to know Sherlock, but most of the time it was a longing to hold him and love him. Sherlock kept note of all people that crushed on him, observing the changes in their behavior.
But by secondary school, Sherlock realized he never ever felt this way about anyone. He never had crushes. He never longed to hold hands with a boy he only ever saw between classes. He compared his behavior to that of his peers and discovered something drastic.
Sherlock was easy to love, but he didn't want to be loved.
2. Within the time it took John to move in, Sherlock already saw the subtle changes in his body language and word choices unfurl.
Before the end of year 9 Sherlock's attitude towards the crushes did a perfect 180 degree turn. He hated them. He despised that people felt any sort of attraction towards him. He loathed that he could finally meet the very best friend, only to find out this person wanted to get close to him to get him to fall in love with them. People would read his favorite books to have something in common. Then they'd let him vent to them about how annoying Mycroft was or how he felt like his parents were disappointed in him. They'd let him confide in him. They'd let him pour his heart out to them just to show Sherlock how amazing and perfect they are. I'll listen to your problems, they revealed, I'll get you to trust me just on the off chance that you'll fall head over heels for me! There's no way to even describe the betrayal.
All Sherlock wanted was friends. All he got was assholes who wanted to fuck him. All he got was people turning their backs on him when he revealed that he didn't feel romantic or sexual attraction. All he got was isolation. All he did was turn people away after this.
3. Even after Sherlock's constant intruding and scathing deductions, John still came back for him.
Sherlock stopped holding his deductions back from his peers when the affection became too much. He would completely dissect utter strangers to keep everyone away from him. He told himself he'd rather be hated by all than loved by one. There was no way he could take one more heartless human falling for him.
The sight of other couples disgusted him. Which is why he exposed dark secrets they'd hidden from each other to betray those people as he'd been. Being the object of anyone's positive attention was irritating. His skin crawled when he felt longing eyes raking his body. Sweet smiles made bile rise in his throat.
One person.
One person was all he needed. One friend that just wanted companionship or an intelligent conversation. He was tired and bored of emotions such as love and affection.
4. When Sherlock knew, he couldn't help but feel fucking contemptible.
Sherlock felt like the manipulative one this time. With his whole being he loved John. He just didn't love John.
Everything John did for him was out of love. From making his tea to shooting a serial killer. John's love was a whole new type of love. It was complex. Sherlock didn't understand it.
He felt like he abused John's tolerance. John gave Sherlock his life, and Sherlock couldn't give anything back.
God, Sherlock wished he could love John. He wanted to with every atom in his body. He wanted to be everything John required in life. He wanted to return to John what he'd given up for Sherlock. He wanted to deserve John's love. But he didn't. Because he could never love John back. He never will love John back.
The fact that John loved him made his shoulders sag when he wasn't looking. It made his legs weak when John made him dinner. It made his throat tighten when John tackled an armed assailant during a case. It made his eyes burn when Molly told him how lucky he was to have John.
It made Sherlock hate himself. Sherlock cursed the world for infecting him with such a disastrous inability to love. Sherlock cursed the world for sending John Watson to him. John deserved someone who loved him, not some sociopath with an incurable disorder.
Sherlock longed to look at John the way John looked at him. He longed to give John the world as John had given him. He longed to feel his pupils dilate when he looked at John. He can't live his life knowing this perfect man wanted only him when he'd never get him.
5. John was trying to move on.
And it was killing them both.