Chapter Text
Kara looks absolutely miserable when she comes in for after work training.
This is confusing, because Susan distinctly remembers the younger woman practically skipping out that morning after their early session (the agent is almost positive she was floating a little), ecstatic that she and Maggie were having lunch today.
Ah. Of course. Maggie.
There had been a smallish honeymoon period for the reporter and the detective, when they could barely keep their hands off each other in public (poor Winn tried so hard to pretend he didn't know, waiting for them to tell him so he could be cool and supportive) and they were all smiles and good cheer. But then something had changed. They had finally, after more than a year of dancing around the subject, started to talk about Alex.
Susan knows this because she and Maggie, after some awkward (and personally excruciating) fits and starts, are finding their footing at being friends again.
THOUGHT: Sometimes she and Maggie are spending time - usually when the smaller woman is fighting with Kara, but sometimes (33% of the time) just because - and they will share a look and Susan remembers suddenly that her friend knows what she sounds like when she's climaxing, that she knows what Maggie feels like when she's coming down, and she can't help but blush with both shame and a deep sort of longing.
THOUGHT: Sometimes Kara will look at them both and smile a small, strange smile, like she knows a secret, and Susan thinks the blonde knows exactly what went on with Maggie and her. It is confusing.
THOUGHT: Sometimes (more often than she is comfortable admitting) Susan is jealous of what Kara and Maggie have. When the two of them hold hands or lean into each other casually or when they are in the field and communicate with just looks. Susan wants that; Susan misses that. But she also wants them to have it - wouldn't want it at the expense of either of their happiness.
THOUGHT: She has come to care for the superhero - as a symbol and as someone who is important to people she cares about and also as a person she cares about in and of herself (hard not to, regardless of how complicated that is) - but she has been feeling a strange sort of ache lately whenever she and Kara are around each other. Something that hits her low in the chest whenever the blonde is around, like the memory of something lost but also forgotten (an echo) and it is hard not to push her away in response.
THOUGHT: It doesn't help that she misses Maggie now that they are together, though she doesn't really blame Kara for that even in her secret heart of hearts.
THOUGHT: She has been meaning to take a short vacation - nowhere remote, but maybe to visit family. It's been too long since she's had a chance to speak in her first language and she misses the sun on her skin and the sand beneath her toes. Maybe in a few weeks, so she can transition Kara to someone else for training...
THOUGHT: The idea of someone else taking over Kara's training leaves a bad taste in Susan's mouth. Not that she doesn't have faith in her colleagues, it's just that... Just that...
"Are... are you alright, Kara?" Susan asks, not sure if she wants an answer.
"Yeah..." the blonde replies, looking like someone has thrown her entire stash of potstickers in the trash. "I will be. Just..."
She shrugs, looking at Susan sheepishly.
"Fight with Maggie?" the agent asks, mentally steeling herself.
She will be supportive and attentive - she owes Kara that much at the very least, considering how selfishly she has allowed herself to act in the past.
"Yeah. It-it wasn't her fault," Kara says, quick to defend. "Not really."
Susan can't help but smile a little. She nods to urge Kara to continue, even as she begins their warmup.
"Computer, kryptonite lights to 78%."
Kara mirrors her movements, barely needing to pay attention at this point.
"I... we were talking..." the Kryptonian begins, trailing off for a moment.
"About Agent Danvers?" Susan offers.
Kara nods, swallowing hard (Susan doesn't know if it's because of the lights or emotion, but either way she is not a fan of the almost ill expression on the younger woman's face).
"It's just hard, y'know? We spent so long not talking about Alex, and now that we want to, we don't know how."
"Not... uncommon," Susan allows, getting into position for a partner-stretch. "These things take time, ma'am." Kara gives her the stink-eye as she grins. "Supergirl."
"I know. Really, I know. It took me... a very long time to be able to even begin to articulate what I was feeling about Krypton. But, this is different. We get so angry and we hurt each other, without meaning to..." she trails off, biting her lip hard enough that it turns the red of broken capillaries.
The sight makes Susan ache. She knows what it means when someone does that - has been there herself - and Kara shouldn't ever be made to feel that way.
They are silent for a time, as they finish off their stretching and begin to go through the first round of exercises.
THOUGHT: Without the kryptonite lights, everything they do as warm up would be pointless. With the lights, Kara sweats and huffs and shakes like any recruit.
THOUGHT: It takes all of Susan's strength of will to keep her breathing even and her body steady, because even though Kara is weakened by the kryptonite, she is still healthy and vital and strong. She's never been damaged - or rather, the sun allowed her to immediately heal the damage, unlike her human colleagues (unlike Susan). Susan, whose ribs and leg and back ached when she wakes, even if it is dull and distant, whose joints lock up with the cold or the rain, and whose muscles spasm hard enough that she bruises sometimes.
THOUGHT: She knew that Kara actually took a lot of damage - and that she felt it all, even though her body repaired it almost instantaneously. Susan had been briefed by J'onn when she was asked to be responsible for the blonde's training. At first, much to her shame, the idea fascinated her. The idea that Kara wasn't dulled but rather heightened when it came to experiencing, well, everything. Quickly though, her academic (and also slightly personal) interest transformed into horror, the first time she ran the Con and watched Supergirl get pounded into the pavement. The sounds of pain she made haunt Susan even now.
THOUGHT: When Supergirl goes to save Maggie and James from Intergang, Susan is on Con and has to listen to her bones break and the young superhero scream in agony. She lasts long enough to oversee the securing of the warehouse before she excuses herself and runs to the locker room. She vomits so violently that she has a panic attack. When she gets home she takes her sterilized blade and adds a little hash mark to the very small collection of scars on the side of her left foot - things she can never atone for - for daring to ever be jealous of Kara's ability to feel so acutely.
THOUGHT: She knows J'onn gave her this assignment as a way to help her work through her own feelings about Agent Danvers' death. He most likely hoped giving her the chance to protect her sister would be enough to ease the solid band of steel that tightens around her chest whenever she remembers that she was running the Con for Alex, that she let Alex die like she let Val die. He... isn't wrong. She worries though that the relief of guilt is her becoming more numb and not actually her working through her grief.
THOUGHT: Alex Danvers was the closest thing Susan had to a real friend since Val died. She misses the other agent everyday, like one misses a tooth knocked out in a fight.
THOUGHT: Even weakened as she is, Kara's fists are like bricks when they strike, the kryptonite not able to take away the strength already stored from the sun.
"Tell me about what happened," Susan prompts as they move from conditioning exercises to throws.
Kara looks unsure, biting her lip like she thinks talking to Susan is a bad idea, completely distracted.
The agent uses this to her advantage, wordlessly taking Kara down like a 5'8" sack of potatoes.
The blonde grunts as she hits the mat on her side, hard. Any harder and the dark haired woman could have fractured her hip.
Susan knows that without her healing factor, Kara would be incredibly sore probably for days. She gentles the move at the last second though, guiding Kara down so it smarts but doesn't truly hurt her, even though it would teach her to pay attention, to not trust so easily.
"I... don't think I can talk about this and train," the blonde groans, rolling over and struggling to her feet.
She rubs at her hip and pouts a little, and Susan can't help the small, reassuring smile that curls the corners of her mouth.
"Okay Supergirl," she agrees, switching gears immediately. She more than anyone will never force someone to speak if they aren't ready. "We're going to be introducing a new classification of techniques to your training, starting today."
Kara perks up, rocking from heels to toes to heels again, clearly interested. She smiles hopefully, practically batting her eyelashes.
"Flying?"
Susan chuckles and shakes her head, her grin now a little bit evil. "Weapons."
Kara deflates a little, breath coming out in a snorting sort of sigh through her nose.
The agent knows well how much the younger woman hates weapons, how she'd rather use her fists and words and charm. But, she will not let Kara go out there without full knowledge of all of her tools and options if she can help it.
THOUGHT: Kara could end up without her powers in the field - it has happened more times than Susan is comfortable with.
THOUGHT: She knows that Kara views using weapons as cheating, unfair somehow. She'll have to break her of that instinct if her training is to be effective.
THOUGHT: The next few weeks are going to be hell on Kara - Alex's birthday is coming up soon - and Susan knows that means there will be even more fighting between the lovers.
THOUGHT: She'll have to remember to pick up coconut milk to make ice cream. Fresh non-dairy ice cream always puts Maggie in a better mood, which tends to shorten the length of time she and Kara are on the outs.
THOUGHT: She is running low on groceries, has been ordering in a lot more lately. It is indicative of an on-coming downturn - a depression. She has to remember to make an appointment with Dr. Chase.
THOUGHT: It's not that she falls into morose moods, it's the opposite. On good days, weeks, months, it takes a lot of energy to feel things consistently, to experience emotion as it comes and not as some sort of delayed after thought. When she... spirals, the struggle is almost impossible to win. She finds herself apathetic, completely incapable of connecting to the now - a sort of floating, limbo state. It is a miracle if she remembers to eat, she can't feel the hunger or her body anymore than she can feel her emotions. When she comes back to herself, it is frightening.
THOUGHT: She wonders what could have triggered this spiral. Nothing has changed lately, not really.
They start slow, with disarming techniques for knives. Kara does remarkably well, relaxing a bit and allowing herself to get into the training. So well that Susan decides the younger woman deserves a break.
"Let's call it a day, Supergirl."
Kara looks confused, almost hurt.
"Is... did I do something wrong?" She asks, eyebrows drawing together, biting her lip.
Susan smiles with a warmth she can barely feel, but not for lack of stimulus.
"No. You've done well. Even better than projected, which is impressive considering I am in charge of the training program." Kara blushes a little, ducking her head like she is feeling equal parts proud and shy, and the warmth becomes easier to feel. "You deserve a break."
"Oh. Well... I didn't have any plans later."
Right. Because she and Maggie are fighting.
Susan realizes the extra alone time might not be the reward she intends.
"If you want, I've the evening free. I was planning on going home early and working on my gardening."
Kara looks so hopeful that Susan has to hold her breath for fear of making an inappropriate noise. The blonde could melt the iciest of hearts - could wring blood from a stone with those baby blues.
"Oh I, I don't wanna impose ," Kara murmurs, fidgeting in a way that makes it seem like she would literally levitate at the chance to spend time...
"I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it, ma'am," the agent says, smiling when Kara rolls her eyes.
"Again with the ma'am - always with the ma'am," she grumbles.
They don't speak during their cooldown, or in the locker room as they shower and change, but Kara practically skips next to her as they make their way to the parking garage. They chat idly in the car, and Susan lets Kara fiddle with the radio. She never lets Maggie do that, but Kara likes to sing under her breath to the songs she likes and it is sweet to see her relax like that.
"Pardon the mess," Susan says as she opens the door, suddenly painfully embarrassed at the state of her apartment.
The feeling is gone almost as she says the words, but it is sharp enough to leave a lasting little pulsing ache.
The garbage is full (she hasn't taken it out for almost a week), as is the fridge (mostly of half eaten take out), and she has been neglectful about keeping her dirty socks and shirts confined to her room.
"Please. I've been best friends with Winn for years," Kara assures, waving away her concern. "There's nothing you can possibly do to scare me."
Susan snorts, opening the door and leading the way into the apartment. Kara has been over exactly twice, both were times Maggie needed collecting. The agent regrets not inviting her over under better circumstances - she does consider Kara a friend, even if they have a relationship that is mostly centered around work - and promises herself she will.
She scoops up rogue pieces of clothing as she leads the blonde inside, letting the taller woman flick on the lights. With a smooth turn she tosses the laundry into her open bedroom door and closes it.
"So..." Kara trails off, clearly feeling awkward.
Susan is still moving, not allowing that stilted mood to gain hold.
"Dinner?" She asks, walking over and physically leading Kara to the couch.
The superhero smiles gratefully and nods.
"I could eat."
Susan doesn't ask what, just takes her phone out of her pocket and opens the delivery app.
THOUGHT: Chinese food is always a crowd pleaser.
THOUGHT: She and Kara have similar taste in takeout, though while the blonde swears by potstickers (who doesn't, they are amazing), Susan prefers scallion pancakes. She likes the way they flake, the way they practically melt in her mouth, the greasy residue they leave on her fingers after they are done. She likes dunking them in dumpling sauce and wrapping them around sweet and sour chicken, the salt and the sugar chasing each other around her mouth and fighting for dominance.
THOUGHT: The fact that she still thinks she will enjoy tasting the food is a good sign.
THOUGHT: She should take out the trash before dinner arrives. While she can't really smell it, she is sure Kara's sensitive Kryptonian nose is being assaulted.
THOUGHT: If she orders extra, she won't have to worry about breakfast.
THOUGHT: Maggie will no doubt call Kara before long, so she doesn't have to worry about ordering extra for the other woman. (She will anyway, so she can take it home with her.)
THOUGHT: She'll order Maggie's favorite too, because if she knows the detective she will not have even finished her lunch, too wrapped up in the fight and work.
Susan lets Kara tap in her order first, then adds her own and Maggie's, and two extra orders of potstickers for good measure.
Kara wanders the living room, gravitating to the bookshelf first, where she looks at the books over the top of her glasses and gently trails her fingers across well worn and new spines alike. She makes appreciative noises as she does, but otherwise doesn't comment.
Next to the bookshelf is a framed drawing. Bold black lines, crisp white geometric erasure marks, and what looks like splatters of paint (it's an effect, everything done in charcoal). Written along the bottom of the page, in small precise letters, are the words: FREE WILL .
"This is..." Kara tilts her head, examining the 16x20 page again. "...yours? You made this?"
Susan makes a vague sound of confirmation in her throat, using her friend's distraction to tidy up a bit.
"Susan, this is... really evocative!" Kara breaths, turning to look at the agent with excitement. "Are there more?"
"Some. One in the bathroom. A few works in progress in the bedroom," Susan allows, not sure how to feel about the eager look in the other woman's eyes. "Mostly I destroy them when they are done, or give them away."
"Destroy... them?" Kara asks, blinking and nodding as she takes a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I definitely get that. When I first... I had to unmake a lot of the stuff I drew and painted at first. It was all about home, and, you know." She shrugs a little, frowning.
"I don't really keep a lot of things," Susan offers, taking a seat on the couch.
It's true.
She has a small bookshelf with exactly 30 books on it (10 hardcover, 20 paperback), and there are three books in the bedroom, one in the bathroom, and two in the kitchen for a total of 36 books in the house.
THOUGHT: All but three were gifts from family, and the remaining three were gifts from Val. She has a kindle she bought herself six years ago, and visits the library on a weekly basis.
She owns 10 dvds, and two VHS tapes.
THOUGHT: These were mostly gifts from her siblings over the years. She owns an AppleTV, and plays old monster movies in the background when she cooks, nature and science documentaries while she cleans, and popular television shows while she folds laundry.
She doesn't have any CDs or cassette tapes, preferring digital files, though she DOES own a turntable and 16 vinyls. The turntable was a gift from her father, along with 4 of the vinyls (the Isaac Hayes, the Ismael Rivera, the Donna Summer, and the Willie Colón). Alex had given her a rerelease of Combat Rock by The Clash when she had seen her original pressing of Too Tough To Die by The Ramones. The Prince and The David Bowie were from Val when she found the courage to come out as bisexual.
THOUGHT: She likes to play records on her days off, while she draws or while she exercises. She likes to breathe in the sounds of the imperfections in the disks as she goes to that special place where it's okay that her mind and her heart are empty.
She has enough dishes for four place settings, color coded black, white, red, and blue, though she only ever uses once set (the blue, which is a deep navy color). Val used to use the black, and when Maggie stays she takes the white.
THOUGHT: She never uses the dishes when she gets takeout, except for utensils, because nothing is worse than a hot, soft plastic fork in her mouth when she's eating.
THOUGHT: Growing up in such a large family, smack dab in the middle, made Susan less precious about owning physical things. She rarely had new clothing, books, toys, or beds. The first time that she had slept alone was when she went to a sleepover at a friend's when she was 9 and they gave her the couch.
THOUGHT: She had lived at home in college to save money, and gone into the Army right after graduation. The first time Susan had her own room was when she moved to National City to work for the D.E.O. She hadn't slept right for months, unused to the quiet - to the solitude.
THOUGHT: She hasn't been back home since Val died - hasn't known how to relate to her family and the noise and the chaos face to face - but she calls at least once a week to talk to her parents, and emails with her siblings regularly. She has never mentioned Maggie (or Kara or Alex or anyone even remotely relates to work) and wonders what her family would think of the situation.
"You're... You're really good Susan," Kara compliments, then looks down briefly, a little embarrassed. "I always hate when people say that, it sounds kinda empty. But, I mean, you are skilled. And, and precise, and intense."
Kara's words are sweet, and if Susan was in a better mood (capable of being in any mood) she would feel proud. The Kryptonian is an accomplished artist herself, and the appreciation is sincere.
"Thank you," she says, smiling a small, polite smile. "Coming from you that means a lot."
There is a buzz at the door, and the food is there, and there is little time for conversation for a bit.
(Susan is relieved, isn't sure what to talk to Kara about until she is ready to open up about the fight.)
As they finish, Susan clearing the empty containers and taking the forks and reusable chopsticks to the sink, Kara spies a small stack of boxes under the quiet television, in the small entertainment center.
"You have Go?" She coos, clearly pleased, and scampers to the games.
Susan can't help but grin.
"It was a gift from Director Henshaw," she explains, making quick work of washing the few dishes.
Carefully sliding the box out from beneath the few others - a nice chess set her mother got her for her 13th birthday, an old copy of Parcheesi that belonged to her oldest brother before he outgrew games, and bilingual Scrabble (Spanish & English edition) Alex had given her when she got her for the Holiday Gift Exchange one year - Kara turns, clutching it to her body gently.
"Can... can we play? I know we were gonna garden, but... Just, for a little while?"
Susan feels real affection, soft and warm, well up and settle in her stomach.
"Yes," she says, voice a little strained so that she has to clear her throat. "Of course we can play, Kara."
The look of pure, uncomplicated adoration she gets from her friend transforms that warm feeling, making it feel like it might not fade away in a few seconds like almost everything else.
They set up quickly, Kara taking the black stones automatically. Susan puts on a record - Miles Davis - and settles across the table, reaching into her bowl to take two white stones.
They play for an hour, almost completely silent.
Susan only gets up twice, once to flip the record and once to change it, putting on Violeta Parra (Kara seems to like it, humming along even though she's never heard any of the songs before).
THOUGHT: J'onn aside, Susan hasn't played Go with another person since the last time she went home. Her mother and father were both good (her father was a little better but let her mother win half the time so she wouldn't lose interest) and they had spent rainy days indoctrinating their children. Susan's oldest brother and second youngest sister's were prodigies, and they had a permanent scoreboard in the family room at the Vasquez house.
THOUGHT: Val and Maggie weren't much for the game, though Val had been an avid card player (it got her into and out of lot of trouble), and Maggie played a solid game of Checkers and a decent game of Parcheesi.
THOUGHT: Kara is always lovely, but there is something especially beautiful about the way she concentrates on her next move. Like she forgets to put on an act - to be the perky, happy girl next door and lets her intelligence stretch and flex, giving a glimpse of the heir to the great Houses of the mind that she would have been.
THOUGHT: J'onn had urged Susan to associate with Kara outside of work, and while she knows she can't (shouldn't), it gets harder everyday not to.
THOUGHT: It has been 238 days since Susan consorted with anyone other than Maggie, J'onn, and now Kara outside of work. Maybe that is causing her spiral. Tomorrow she will go out and find someone to spend a few hours with. Maybe that will help alleviate some of the ache she gets when she looks at her friends. Friend. When she looks at her friend -singular. When she looks at Maggie.
THOUGHT: The scars on her ribs and her back and her scalp tingle, just this side of pain, like they are raw and newly healed. She thinks it is just a reaction to being tired, but the vulnerable feeling in her chest tells her it may be something else.
THOUGHT: She definitely has to make an appointment with Dr. Chase. Her life is becoming more complicated than she likes, as if being part of a top secret alien hunting shadow government organization isn't complicated enough.
They play in a rhythm, like they are dancing, the steady but thoughtful clack of the stones being placed their beat. Kara smiles just as wide when Susan advances as when she falls behind. The give and take is in no way tentative, but rather sure and full of mutual respect. Intimate.
Maggie's phone call shatters the quiet, plowing into the soft strains of guitar and tapping of Kara's fingers on the table.
They both look to Kara's phone, both look guilty, having forgotten all about Maggie even if it was just for a little over an hour (one hour, seven minutes, nine seconds to be precise).
On the third ring they look at each other and Susan raises an eyebrow, a heavy feeling in her throat and gut.
Kara answers, turning away a little as she does.
"H-hey Maggie. Hi." Susan can see her slump a little, but also can just make out the little smile the curls the corners of her mouth - relief. "Yeah. Yeah, I'll come home and we can talk. No. Yeah, she ordered us dinner. Yes you too. No, it's okay, I'll come to you. I think she probably wants her place back." A pause and Kara sighs, happy. "I love you too."
She hangs up and turns back to Susan, apologetic smile in place. Susan waves her coming apology off, standing a stretching.
"We can finish another time," she assures, cutting Kara off and planning never to play Go with her again. Too intense. Too evocative. Too intimate. "Go be with Maggie. Make sure she's fed. And, get some rest . You still have training in the morning."
Kara smiles and gets up too, moving to hug Susan tight. She's warm, like she is running a low grade fever (normal for Kryptonians) and Susan fights not too relax too much into the embrace.
"You're wonderful, you know that?" Kara asks, kissing her softly on the cheek before pulling back.
Her smile crinkles the corners of her eyes and it makes Susan's stomach tighten a little.
"If you say so, ma'am."
The scowl she gets for calling the blonde "ma'am" is priceless.
"Don't make me take that back," Kara threatens.
Susan smiles now, chuckling a little.
She helps Kara get the food and her bag together, stands at the door as the younger woman lingers.
"Anything wrong?"
Kara looks nervous again, pursing her lips and fiddling with her glasses.
"We... we're friends, right Susan?"
"I... yes Kara, we're friends." She doesn't know what to say, how to explain that things are so complicated that terms like 'friends' almost have no meaning. "Why?"
"I just, I want you to know that I, that we - Maggie and I - we care about you. That you are important to us, and that we are grateful for you," the blonde says, nodding earnestly.
"All... right. I care about you both too."
Kara opens her mouth, looks frustrated and like she wants to say something else, but sighs and blinks hard, face going back to pleasant and affectionate. She moves and hugs Susan again instead, seems to draw strength from the contact.
"See you tomorrow, right? Bright and early?"
"Eight a.m., Supergirl. Don't be late."
Kara nods and pulls away, disappearing at a speed just a tad too fast to be strictly human.
When she's gone, Susan closes and locks the door, leaning back against it stoically for a moment, forcing the swirl of confused and confusing feelings in her torso to settle.
She walks to the table, examine the board as it stands. Kara was at an advantage currently, but one move and Susan would have changed the tide. They were almost perfectly matched, balanced.
She can't bring herself to take the board down then, so she leaves it, sitting on the couch and shooting off a formal request email to HR to set up an appointment with Miriam.
The board and the warm feeling playing with Kara brought stays with her for a while. Days. Longer than most things. They last until the next time she sees Maggie and Kara together.
They're happy, smiling, pressed close at the hip as they speak to James and Winn.
She is happy for them. That much is absolutely true. Seeing them comfortable and close feels good. But, the her own little pocket of SOMETHING dissolves back into the familiar, almost comforting emptiness.
(She feels guilty, think this means that there is some part of herself that doesn't want them to be happy and is appalled.)
THOUGHT: Kara and Maggie have a lot to work through, but they are happy.
THOUGHT: Kara and Maggie are good together.
THOUGHT: She has no business developing feelings for Kara, in whatever capacity she is capable.
When she gets home that night, she methodically and calmly cleans up the board, one piece at a time, playing their game backwards almost.
THOUGHT: She needs to take a vacation. To get away from Maggie and Kara and their seemingly inescapable orbit.
THOUGHT: She should go home.
She puts the stones in their covered bowls, and packs them and the board away, sliding it back into its place at the bottom of the small stack of games she no longer plays, because she has no one to play with anymore.
THOUGHT: She can’t go home.
THOUGHT: She’s forgotten where that is.