Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Dex, 5:34p: If I get misgendered one more time I'm gonna scream.
Nursey, 5:37p: It was an accident!
Dex, 5:38p: Don't care.]

Despite not being on testosterone, Dex passed more often than not. If not for the fact that they shared a locker room, Nursey would probably never have guessed that Dex was trans. But as it stood, Nursey had been there for Dex's blushing, stuttering coming out speech to the team and for Shitty's follow up 'thank you for trusting us' line, even though Dex hadn't had much choice in the matter. Nursey had seen Dex change from sports bra into binder after practice more times than he could count.

As it stood, Nursey was all too aware his D-partner was trans. He just didn't have a very good understanding of what that meant.

“Dude, it’s not my fault she fucking hates me,” Nursey complained to Chowder.

“He.”

He was corrected by two different voices- one of them Chowder’s, reprimanding but soft. The other, a shout from across the locker room that Nursey could hear steadily approaching.

“Nurse, I swear to God stop fucking calling me that! I don’t need this shit from you right now, and I’ve told you before-”

“I’m sorry! He,” Nursey corrected. “Dude, I’ve only known you were trans for, like, less than a month. I’ll get this pronoun shit figured out, I promise.”

“It’s really not that hard,” Dex glared. “Just stop misgendering me.”

“I’m trying,” Nursey insisted.

“Dex, he really didn’t mean it!” Chowder defended Nursey. “And he doesn’t mess up very often anymore!”

“And I’m sorry,” Nursey added. “Please, can we just move on?”

Dex scowled. “Yeah, that’s easy for you to do.”

“I- look, I don’t know what you want me to do,” Nursey protested. “Why do you hate me so much?” At Dex’s incredulous glare, Nursey hastily added, “beside the fact that I messed up just now.”

“Maybe you should just drop it,” Chowder spoke up. “Come on, let’s get going.” He tugged on Nursey’s arm and dragged him out of Faber and onto the sunlit sidewalk.

"What the hell does- does he want!?” Nursey seethed.

“Nursey, let it go.”

“I know I messed up. I’m not trying to deny that! But I tried to apologize, and Dex won’t even listen!”

“Maybe he doesn’t owe you that!” Chowder suggested. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be easier for all of us if Dex could hate you a little less, but he doesn’t actually have to.”

“It’s gonna be a long four years if he doesn’t.”

Chowder snorted. “You barely know each other! He can’t hate you forever.”
- - -

[Nursey, 1:52p: I dont think i wanted to know how much butter bitty feeds us
Chowder, 1:57p: Don’t tell me please!!!
Dex, 1:58p: Don’t worry, we won’t inflict that horror on you.]

“I’m not going to Murder Stop-n-Shop,” Dex insisted. “Why does anyone voluntarily go to a place you call ‘murder’?”

“Because the other option is a place we call racist?” Nursey suggested. “Which is worse: a place where some unlucky person got shanked or a place where the salesman’s gonna follow me to make sure I don’t steal anything? It’s not hard.”

“But someone died! That place is probably haunted or some shit.”

“You don’t seriously believe in ghosts.”

Dex flushed under the scrutiny. “Well…. No, but I do believe in not taking chances. Just in case.”

Nursey stared blankly at Dex for a long pause. “Right.” He gave up arguing and continued walking, leaving Dex to catch up.

“Hey! I mean it. I’m not setting foot in that place.”

“You don’t have to.” Nursey rolled his eyes. “I’ll grab the stuff Bitty needs, and you can help me carry it back.”

“I’m not gonna stand outside and wait for you.”

“Well, what are you going to do?” Nursey asked. “I’m not turning around. I don’t really care what you have to say about that.”

“Of course not. Why would you care?” Dex muttered. Nursey didn’t bother to let Dex know he’d heard. Dealing with Dex was easier with Chowder around; Nursey couldn’t talk to him without wanting to fight.

When they reached Murder Stop-n-Shop, Nursey didn’t pause to see if Dex would follow him inside. Footsteps echoed behind him, so Nursey assumed that Dex was following despite his reservations. He didn’t have a clue where to start, and Nursey hoped the list Bitty had given them would give him some idea. Unfortunately, scanning through it only made Nursey realize that he didn’t know where anything was.

“Do you know where to find sugar?” Nursey asked hesitantly. Dex motioned to take the list, so Nursey passed it to him.

Dex squinted at the list for a moment. “Let’s just go aisle by aisle,” he suggested.

The two frogs stumbled their way through the shopping trip together, managing to gather Bitty’s ingredients despite barely knowing what they were. By the end, Nursey was exhausted of trying to navigate the store and hoped Bitty would have something waiting for them when they got back. The moment the cashier said “here you are, sir,” and handed the Sin Bin change back to Dex, Nursey tore out of the store and breathed in the humid fall air.

Dex followed behind with a wide grin. Nursey eyed him cautiously, afraid to ask why he was smiling. He’d never seen Dex this happy and didn’t want to risk ruining it.

“Not bad for a murder store, huh?”

Dex rolled his eyes. “I guess.”

“Can’t you admit I was right for once?”

“Can’t you let something go for once? We’re not dead yet. I still don’t trust the place.”

“But it’s better than racism.”

“Well, yeah I guess. Do you have to bring everything back to that?”

Nursey bit back his immediate response. “Alright, white boy, I’m done.”

“I’m-” Dex stopped. “Yeah, you’re right. I am a white boy.” He huffed, letting a sharp-edged silence fall between them.

It lasted until the next crosswalk, where Nursey paused to wait for Dex to catch up. Once they were in step, he moved to cross but was stopped by Dex.

“What are you doing?” Dex asked. “It’s still red.”

Nursey raised his eyebrows. “So?” He asked. “There aren’t that many cars.”

“This isn’t the city, Nurse. Cars aren’t gonna stop to look for pedestrians.”

They waited another 3 minutes, impatient and irritated, before Nursey whined “Can we just go? Why hasn’t it turned yet?”

“I don’t know. You pressed the button, right?” Dex asked.

“What button?”

Incredulous, Dex’s mouth fell open. “You’re. You’re joking.” He muttered under his breath and jammed his fist into the crosswalk button, which immediately lit up with the little walking man. The two carried on, both walking faster in the hopes of getting back to Bitty and the Haus.

Nursey felt relief when the Haus came into view, and he was busy imagining what kind of pie Bitty would have waiting when Dex spoke up.

“It’s… weird when I pass,” Dex said apropos of nothing. “I know I still look like a girl, okay? I know. But I don’t want to, and every time a stranger thinks I’m a guy it’s exciting.”

“What?” Nursey’s mind reeled, his mouth struggling to keep up. “I don’t… what. Why would you even want to be a guy?”

Dex froze, and Nursey immediately regretted everything he’d ever said.

“Shit, please ignore me. Sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that.” They reached the Haus, and Nursey opened his mouth. He wanted to say something to make the situation better, but there was nothing he could think that wasn’t even worse. Nursey gave up, closed his mouth, and went inside without saying another word.

Bitty was a fucking godsend, and his blueberry muffins went a long way toward defusing the tension. Still, there was only so much one baker could do.

Dex wouldn’t look at Nursey, who wasn’t sure whether to be glad for the reprieve. He kind of missed the yelling. Dex was infuriating, but at least when his anger was visible Nursey knew where they stood.

“Either of you know when Chowder’s getting here?” Bitty asked.

“Didn’t know he was coming,” Nursey answered.

“Said he had something to talk about. I wondered if he’d texted either of you, since he seems to be close to you both.” He eyed them sternly as he said that, a clear nonverbal warning.

“Guess that means we have a whole one thing in common,” Dex said quietly.

Bitty looked over sharply. “If you two are gonna start fighting again, you can take that to the living room.”

Dex glared at Nursey. “Fine,” he said. Much to Nursey’s surprise, he grabbed his muffin and walked out of the kitchen. Nursey blinked, uncertain whether he was meant to follow. Bitty sighed but didn’t say anything to encourage either choice.

Then the Haus door swung open, and Nursey heard Chowder’s shout from the kitchen. The choice was made for him, and Nursey wandered toward the door to greet him.

“Oh! Hey Nursey! You guys are both here!” Chowder said excitedly. “And you’re not fighting!”

“Hey C,” Nursey said easily. “How are you?”

“I’m good! Is Bitty in the kitchen?”

“Of course he is.”

“Great! What have you guys been doing?”

“Nothing much,” Nursey shrugged. Dex, contradictory as always, snorted. Chowder’s attention turned toward him, and at once his cheerfulness dimmed.

“You two haven’t been fighting again, have you?”

“Not exactly,” Dex answered. “He sure doesn’t make it easy, though.”

“Dex, chill. I’m not the one with a stick up my ass.”

“You see?” Dex turned to Chowder, who rolled his eyes.

“Stop instigating each other,” he said tiredly.

“I would never,” Nursey said, only a little bit for Dex’s answering scowl.

“You’re a fucking liar, Nurse.”

“Maybe a little. At least I’m not a white boy.”

At that, Dex about screamed. “I don’t know what you have against white boys. I’m sorry I don’t exist to appeal to your sexuality.”

“What does that have to do with anything? I’m pan, anyway.” This wasn’t how Nursey had planned on coming out, but there was no reason for him to hide at Samwell. “I’m attracted to men and women and I still don’t find you cute.”

“Fucking good!” Dex swore.

“Wait!” Chowder cut in excitedly, “are we all queer then?”

Nursey looked over at Chowder, who was rapidly tapping his fingers against each other. Chowder looked between Nursey and Dex, waiting for a response.

“I… guess so?” Nursey hazarded. “I mean… it is Samwell.”

“You’re bi?” Dex asked.

Chowder rolled his eyes. “I’m agender. I just don’t really make a fuss because I use he and they pronouns interchangeably.” When neither of the other frogs reacted, Chowder sighed. “And I’m bi.”

Nursey glanced at Dex. He was hesitant to show his ignorance, but no one offered any explanation. Nursey figured Chowder would be less critical about the fact that he didn’t know, so he asked. “What… does that mean.”

Chowder shrugged, fingers tapping faster. “It means gender’s… ehhhhhh,” he made a long, drawn out noise that sounded distressed. “I’m not cis. I’m not a girl, but I’m also not really a guy.”

“Oh.” Nursey watched Chowder, who pulled out some sort of plastic toy and started pulling at it.

“I didn’t know that was a thing,” Dex admitted. “Cool.”

“Well, now you do.” Chowder’s voice was cheerful but short. Silence fell again, and Nursey had no idea how to fill it. “Anyway, I’m gonna go talk to Bitty now. Please don’t kill each other.” Chowder hesitantly retreated, leaving Nursey and Dex with a worried glance.

“Shitty’s a gender major, right?” Dex asked.

“Um, basically,” Nursey answered. “And law.”

Dex nodded. “Cool.” Without saying anything else to Nursey, he headed up the Haus stairs. Nursey watched him go, not sure what had just happened. After a moment he realized he was the only one left in the living room, so he wandered back to join Chowder and Bitty in the kitchen.
- - -

[Chowder, 4:35p: I don’t think I’ll ever get used to Shitty naked
Dex, 4:35p: I don’t think I want to.
Nursey, 4:38p: I mean, we see him in the locker room anyway?
Dex, 4:39p: The Haus isn’t the LOCKER ROOM Nurse, what is wrong with you?
Nursey, 4:43p: Don’t u alrdy have like. An entire list to answer that q
Dex, 4:44p: Don’t flatter yourself.
Chowder, 4:49p: Would u two shut up
Nursey, 4:52p: Dex is just jealous because I got asked to be a model]

Nursey stared at the poem that had been handed to him, while its author spoke in the background. “I haven’t written a poem since high school, so don’t judge me too harshly. It’s about, um, well it’s kind of about my first kiss? But it’s not a love poem.” The poet, Eve, brushed long hair out of her face. “I went with the silent option cause I’m not really great at. Performing.”

The poem was called “December 19th” and was surprisingly good despite Eve’s lead in. It was a little prosier than Nursey was used to, but it worked well as a written poem and flowed nicely.

On December 19th, I was twenty years old.

It was about starting late, about diving in with no prior experience to guide you.

You never pressured me. But at twenty years old, I’m supposed to know what I want.

Eve was very to the point, in contrast to Nursey’s metaphors and flowery language. It was different, but he liked it. He wrote as much on the page before reading the last few lines.

Will I ever be ready to feel like this?
Sitting on the edge of this bed, standing on the edge of a precipice, you push me gently and I
Fall.

It is December 19th, and I will remember this moment.
For you, it is only Thursday.

Nursey wrote his comments and passed the copy back to Eve, then waited while everyone else did the same. His one poetry class was mostly about the back and forth from the people in it; the professor didn’t tend to jump in as often. When it seemed like the quiet had mostly passed and people were whispering to Eve encouragingly, Nursey stood without waiting to be prompted.

“Hey, I’m next and I’m just gonna read mine out loud. Hang on a second.” He pulled it out of him pocket, folded and folded into a small paper triangle. “I, uh, forgot to give this a title,” he admitted. “If you don’t know by now, my name’s Derek.

“Inhale.
One. two. three. four.
Exhale.

A square, even though it’s only got three sides-
Inhale, hold, exhale.

Food turns to rocks turns to butterflies in my stomach,
Always trying to flap their way back up my esophagus
Past hesitant lips which once breathed into yours
Lips which whispered butterfly phrases down your spine.

These things matter.
A butterfly matters, however small the wind of its wings may seem,
And maybe I don’t feel right trapping them within me
I’ve eaten enough words-
Swallowed apologies and compromises whole-
Surely that’s enough to make up for how empty I’ve become.

One. Two. Three. Four.
This again, breathe again, learn to live in white bleached halls again.
Fruit- the apple in your throat
Grain- your skin against mine
Meat- oh, that one’s too easy
Sugar- always. Sickly and sweet.

You were never my downfall.
I was, I am,
This block in my throat never anyone’s fault but mine.
My lips became a locked gate.
Words meant for you crowded around it, desperate to crawl out,
But nothing escapes, and nothing enters.”

Nursey kept his head down as he folded the page back up, adrenaline pulsing through him. A classroom was more intimate than a stage, and Nursey didn’t know how to write poems that weren’t insanely personal. He wasn’t used to performing for people he knew, to having consequences for the words he flung out.

Some people were looking away, unable to meet Nursey’s gaze. Others stared at him intently, encouraging or pitying or empathizing. Eve smiled when she caught Nursey’s eye and made sure he could see her snapping.

Since Nursey hadn’t printed out extra copies of his piece, classmates scribbled feedback on whatever paper they had on them. He collapsed back into his chair while they wrote and smiled with more confidence than he felt when people approached with compliments. None of the words stuck, his own pulse too loud, but externally Nursey exuded grace and charm, nods and laughter that lasted until the end of their time. The last person to greet him was Eve, who carried not only her own feedback but a small stack of collected thoughts from those who hadn’t wanted to add anything in person.

“Hey, Derek, you look really natural in front of people. I don’t know how you do that.” Eve gave the compliment with a short laugh and said nothing of his subject matter.

Nursey shrugged. “I bottle up all of my emotions so I can be as chill as possible 98% of the time, and then I let it all out via poetry.” It probably wasn’t the best coping method, but as long as he said it with a shrug and a self-deprecating smile no one would ever call him out.

Eve just smiled, the same expression she’d held for Nursey after he’d read his poem. “I know how that goes,” she agreed. “I’m an art major. Mostly photography and watercolor, and a lot of alternative media stuff. I lock myself up in my room and make messy paintings every time my dad calls.”

“I haven’t heard from mine in moths,” Nursey said without remorse. “It’s nice.”

“Lucky,” Eve slid her eyes away and back. “Where are you going next? Do you want to walk together?”

“I was just gonna head back to the dorms, but I wouldn’t mind company.” Nursey tucked the various papers in his bag and stood to follow Eve through the door.

Their conversation carried them halfway across campus and into a small café, where they settled in the corner and ignored their respective responsibilities.

“So this might be a weird question,” Eve said over her strawberry banana smoothie, “but I need a model for this one class project I’m working on. Would you be interested?”

Nursey blinked in surprise. “What does that entail?”

Eve shrugged. “Just a photoshoot. No one else would be there. You pose for a few pictures, I make them look pretty, I get a grade. I can ask someone else if you don’t want to, but you seem like you’d be fun to work with.”

Nursey thought about it for a long moment. “Sounds like fun. When would this be?”

Eve shrugged. “Whenever you’re free. I need this done in the next week and a half, but if you’re free any time during then I can make it work. I’ll pay you with coffee.”

“Chill,” Nursey sipped his caffeinated sugar and swiped open his phone. “I’ll text you the hockey schedule so we can meet up around it.”

“Thank you so much!” Eve stood to leave, and suddenly Nursey could see past her and through the entrance to the building.

“Hey, Poindexter,” he called, startling Dex. His face was flushed red by the time Eve turned around to see who Nursey was talking to.

“Nursey, what are you doing here?” Dex asked angrily.

“Drinking coffee? Nursey responded, wiggling the beverage in the air. “Would it make you more comfortable if I left?”

“Oh, shut up. I was just startled is all. I’m Dex,” he said to Eve. “Sorry for interrupting your… date?”

Eve laughed, while Nursey gave Dex an unimpressed snort. “Dex, this is Eve from my poetry crit. Eve, this is my teammate Dex. He’s obnoxious.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Eve said smoothly. “I’m gonna start driving home, Derek, but it would be great if you could text me when you’re free. If not, I’ll see you in class.” She left Nursey with Dex, an amused grin on her face.

As soon as she was out of earshot, Nursey scowled at Dex. “We’re not dating. She just wants me to model for her project. Chill, would you?”

“Don’t tell me to chill,” Dex snapped instantly. “And...model?” He raised an eyebrow. “What the fuck, Nurse. When I think you can’t get any more artsy and weird.”

“Fuck off,” Nursey retorted. “Why are you here, anyway?”

“Meeting someone,” Dex flushed again.

“Ooh, who? It is a date, right? You’re too red for it not to be. Do I know her? Him?”

“I’m not gay,” Dex said immediately. “It’s none of your business who, and I’d appreciate it if you could leave us alone.”

Nursey debated staying just to spite him, but without Eve there really was no point. “Fune,” he agreed. “But you have to take the aisle seat next roadie. There and back.”

“Fine,” Dex agreed desperately. “Just leave.”

“Anything for you, Poindexter,” Nursey chirped as he graciously vacated his seat, already preparing to text Eve.
- - -

[Eve, 10:48p: Thank you so much for agreeing to help me! Meet me outside the art building at 4pm tomorrow, I’ll show you where to go
Nursey, 3:40p: okay i think I’m here? Based on my friend’s desc
Eve, 3:50p: shit hang on
Eve, 3:53p: yeah i see you!]

“Derek! You came, you actually came oh thank god,” Eve ran up to Nursey and stopped short. “Can I hug you?”

“Sure,” he grinned, opening his arms wide. Eve was the kind of girl who put her full weight into a hug, and she leaned heavily against Nursey for a few quick seconds before pulling away.

“I’ve got all my stuff set up inside, but it’s a little chaotic right now,” she apologized.

“It’s chill. I’ve never known an art student who wasn’t a little chaotic,” Nursey said. Eve laughed, grabbing his hand and tugging Nursey insistently toward the building.

“So how much of your body are you willing to put in front of a camera? I definitely want to get you shirtless from at least shoulders up, but ultimately it’s all up to you.” Eve led Nursey down a long hallway with painted walls. As they got further into the building, the art on the walls got more chaotic and more obscene, murals devolving into political statements and half-formed doodles and inside jokes.

“Uh… shirtless is cool… dunno, I guess as long as I’m wearing underwear?” he said uncertainly. “You’re the artist.”

Eve smiled brightly. “Excellent.” She slowed in front of a large, garage-like door. Eve glanced around for a few seconds before darting to a regular door next to it. “Sorry, I haven’t really done this a lot,” she apologized. “I, um. Have the code somewhere….” she rummaged through her pockets, first her pants and then her jacket. The paper was folded three times, and Eve hissed in victory when she read the number on it.

She punched the digits into the door lock and they were in. Nursey stepped behind Eve into the studio, which was reminiscent of a warehouse with its high walls and lack of natural light. Bright lamps for the photoshoot were set up, as well as colored bulbs that were clipped on and moveable. A long white cloth and several fake flowers were scattered around the floor, taking on the color of the lights that shone on them.

Eve posed Nursey in the middle of it all, cloth draped over his midsection and red and purple lights on his skin. Then she rearranged the flowers while Nursey watched her with interest.

He couldn’t stop laughing when it came time to take the photos, wasn’t sure what to do with his arms or his face. Eve seemed satisfied, though. Aside from a few laughing “Derek, hold still,”s, she never got frustrated when he didn’t know how to follow her directions.They repeated the process a few times with different poses and lights. Nursey never quite felt serious enough to pose properly, but talking to Eve and making faces at the lens was fun.

“We’re all done!” Eve announced cheerfully. “It is… 5:30, and I have to be cleaned up and out of here by 6! Thanks so much for your help!”

“Any time,” Nursey offered. “This was a lot of fun.”

“Really?” Eve looked at him seriously. “Would you be willing to do it again?”

“Yeah? If you’d honestly want me too, I know I’m not great at this-”

“No no no no Derek you’re perfect,” Eve insisted. “Most people freeze up the moment there’s a camera, I love that you’re willing to goof around. You look so natural. And you’re fucking gorgeous. I have another project that’s not for class that I’d love your help with if you ever want to work together again.”

Nursey shrugged. “Yeah, that would be chill.”

“Great!” Eve beamed. “I’ll text you again when I’m actually doing it- or just talk to you in class, I guess.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Nursey agreed.
- - -

[Nursey, 9:43a: You ever look in the mirror and think is that really what I look like?
Dex, 10:12a: Every damn day.]

The moment Nursey woke up, he knew it was going to be one of those days. He sat up before opening his eyes and intentionally looked away so that he couldn’t see his own limbs. Breathing was a labor he didn’t know if he could keep up, and every movement made him far too aware of the space he took up. Fuck it all, he’d been better since coming to Samwell- why did he have to feel like this today?

One step at a time. Nursey made a mental list of the things he had to do before his first class. Item 1: take care of his bladder.

Lists made things easier, made them manageable. Today wasn’t a Bad depression day- he could get out of bed, could think about going to class without wanting to cry. But his bones felt heavy and he felt wrong in his own skin, like maybe this body wasn’t the one he was meant to inhabit.

That feeling only intensified as he caught his reflection in the mirror of the communal bathroom. He meant to keep going back to his room, but found himself stuck in front of the image in front of him. Sometimes he looked at himself and everything was too hard, too stiff; Nursey wanted to be as chill as possible but he wanted to be warm, too. Some days it felt like his body was too big for him, like his bones were too close to his skin and his heart too far from his mind.

He was in his body, but this body wasn’t right and the tattoos helped but Nursey raised his hand to his cheek and wondered if this face was really him.

The bathroom door swung open as someone else came in, and Nursey blinked himself into movement. His hand fell from his beard as he went back into the hall.

Nursey was nearly late to his 9:30, but he managed to make it through. By the time the 3 hour class was over, he could breathe a little easier. He ran to meet Chowder in the dining hall despite knowing he probably wouldn’t be able to eat anything today.

“Hey, C! Poindexter.” Nursey nodded in greeting as he sat down at the table they were eating at. Hanging out with Chowder frequently meant tolerating Dex, a face Nursey had begrudgingly come to accept.

“Nurse,” Dex said evenly, without looking away from his notes.

“Hey Nursey. Wow! You look really different without your beard. It’s good!” Dex raised his head, finally, at Chowder’s chatter. When he caught sight of Nursey’s face, he stared wordlessly.

“Have you eaten yet?” Chowder pushed his basket of fries toward Nursey.

“Oh, no, I’m good,” he shook his head. “Thanks, though. How are you?”

“I’m good!” Chowder grinned, wide. “I’ve been texting Caitlyn- the girl I went to Screw with? She’s from California and she likes the Sharks and her last name is Farmer, which I said sounds kind of like a hockey nickname.”

“That it does. Also, y’know, it makes it sound like she’s a farmer,” Nursey pointed out.

“I guess…” Chowder conceded. “But she’s great! She’s a freshman like us and she’s on the volleyball team and we’re gonna hang out tomorrow after class!”

“So you’re going on another date?” Nursey guessed.

“Um. Maybe? We didn’t really say whether it was a date or not. We’re just hanging out.”

“It’s a date,” Dex said suddenly. “Or at least, Chowder wants it to be one.” He glanced at Chowder as he said it, a grin slipping onto his face, before looking at Nursey again.

“Shut up! Maybe? I don’t know. We’ve been talking a lot since Screw,” Chowder insisted. “Anyway, not the point.”

“That’s adorable,” Nursey said. “Tell us how it goes so we can relay this conversation to her after she becomes your girlfriend.”

“You two are the worst,” Chowder sighed. “I don’t know why I bother with you.”

“Me neither,” Nursey agreed. “I’m pretty awful. RIght, Dex?”

“You said it, not me.” Dex said immediately. “Can’t disagree, though.”

“Is there something on my face?” Nursey asked suddenly.

“What? No.” Dex blinked into self-awareness, eyes suddenly snapping up to meet Nursey’s. “Sorry, you just- you look different without facial hair.”

“Oh. Is it that bad?” Nursey raised his eyebrows, demanding explanation, and Dex just shrugged.

“Sorry,” he said again. Dex looked away from Nursey entirely.

Nursey inhaled, self-conscious and nervous. Shaving had been an impulse decision, but his reflection didn’t look right, and if he shaved his face and tried to look as clean as possible it was almost enough. Or maybe it wasn’t nearly enough, but it helped.

“It’ll grow back, eventually. Gotta have a proper beard when we get to playoffs, right?”

Dex flinched at that. His voice was decidedly bitter when he said “I guess you do.”

The words he wasn’t saying rang loud and clear. Nursey shut up at once, knowing he didn’t want to get into that conversation. Everything always had to be about being trans, with Dex, about being male in ways that Nursey didn’t have to think about. Honestly, Nursey didn’t want to have to think about it; he wished Dex could just live his best trans life and stop talking about it already.

“Don’t worry, Dex, I’m not going to have much of a beard, either. I’ve never been able to grow one.” Chowder said.

Dex smiled. “Thanks. At least I won’t be the only one.” Nursey felt something shift uncomfortably in him, and it wasn’t jealousy, it wasn’t. He loved his facial hair, a lot of times, and he’d always taken pride in his playoff beard, so he wasn’t sure why he felt so weird about it now.

“Are you texting Farmer under the table?” he asked, desperate to change the topic. Chowder turned bright red and set his phone down on the table.

“No! I’m not! You can’t prove anything,” he said as it buzzed, lighting up. Dex laughed and Nursey grinned.

“I see how it is,” Dex said. “You’re gonna start dating Farmer and then ignore us whenever we annoy you.”

Chowder shrugged, picking the phone back up. “I wouldn’t have to if you two would fight less.”

Nursey and Dex slowly shared a glance. “So once he starts dating this girl,” Nursey translated, “Chowder’s never speaking to us again.”

He laughed through Chowder’s anguished denials and ignored the tightness lingering in his chest.
- - -

[Chowder, 7:52p: I have a girlfriend!!! :D !!!
Dex, 7:54p: Whoa congrats
Nursey, 8:02p: did u finally ask or did she
Chowder, 8:05p: Shhhh we had to talk about some stuff first
Chowder, 8:06p: But i think it’s gonna be good!!! And i REALLY like her
Dex, 8:10p: ur both sickeningly adorable already]

“I’m happy for him,” Nursey insisted. “Chowder deserves the best.” He fell into silence after that, staring up at the night sky and ignoring the heaviness in his chest. He’d gotten good at that, lately, which only made him wonder where all these feelings came from. He never used to have this many emotions.

“Have you scouted this girl yet?” Lardo asked, jabbing the blunt in Nursey’s face accusingly. “Facebook stalked her, even? How do you know if she’s worthy of our goalie child?”

Nursey laughed. Of course he knew everything about Caitlin Farmer, Chowder never shut up about her, these days. “Fuck. You’re right.”

“She always is,” Shitty said proudly. The three of them took turns blowing rings out into the air above the Haus, while Nursey wondered idly whether the LAX bros could see naked Shitty when he was on Jack’s bed.

“Who gets to give the shovel talk?” Lardo asked.

“I think Bitty might have dibs.” Shitty pointed out. “Chowder’s basically his adoptive son, after all.”

“Yeah, but do you think Bits is scary enough for that?” Nursey asked. Shitty and Lardo stared at Nursey in disbelief.

“Dude, Bits is, like, terrifying when he wants to be,” Lardo said. “Don’t let his Southern charm fool you, bro’ll bake you a pie and then ask you to spill your darkest secrets. And you’ll do it.”

“That’s some witchcraft shit,” Nursey said distantly. “...you’re right though. Never thought of it like that.” He breathed in, feeling the tightness in his chest loosen as he spent more time on the roof. “How long have we been out here?”

“Time isn’t real,” said Lardo immediately.

“Neither is calculus, but I’ve still got a test in the morning,” Nursey responded.

“It is…” Shitty squinted, concentrating on the stars. “11:40. 43. 11:43pm precisely.”

“How do you know?” Nursey asked.

“I have developed a skill.”

Lardo snorted, pulling out her phone. “It’s 1:18, dumbass, but nice try.”

Shitty shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

“Hm…” Nursey thought for a moment. “Class isn’t until 10… I’ll be fine.”

“Probably shouldn’t take any more hits, though,” Shitty said.

“Fool you for taking a Friday class,” Lardo scoffed.

Nursey shrugged. “Wasn’t this hard in high school.”

“Frog mistake.”

Nursey gave a grunt of agreement. The three lay in stillness for a while longer, and the morning air turned cold against Nursey’s skin. Everything else could wait.
- - -

[Chowder, 8:42p: Anyone want to come see the volleyball game with me?
Dex, 8:45p: Can’t, Bitty asked me to take another look @ his oven
Nursey, 8:48p: Sorry C, I’ve got a date w a shitton of glitter and a high end camera
Dex, 8:50p: What. The fuck.
Chowder, 8:51p: Um??????????????
Nursey, 8:53p: Helping out a friend. She’s an art student
Chowder, 8:54p: Ohhhhh. Have fun!!!]

“Hey, Derek!” Eve called cheerfully from the driver’s seat of her tiny car.

“Hey,” Nursey said back, sliding into the passenger’s seat. Eve looked over at him suspiciously.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“What? Nothing. I’m fine,” Nursey shrugged her off. “How are you? What’s the project?”

“It’s a personal project this time, so we’re not using the school facilities. Makes everything easier for me.” She put the car in gear and set the two of them set off on a path from Samwell.

“My apartment’s like 20 minutes away from campus, and I have a roommate but I think when I converted the living room into a backdrop she decided to spend the weekend with her girlfriend. If she is still there, though, we might have to do your makeup in the kitchen instead of the bathroom.”

“Makeup?” Nursey blinked, suddenly focused on her words.

“Yeah, the glitter,” Eve explained, glancing over at him. “Is that not cool? It’s not like stage makeup, just bits of color. Eyeshadow and cosmetic glitter, mostly.”

“Uh… sure I guess,” Nursey agreed cautiously.

“Cool. Don’t worry, you’ll look killer. And anyway, like I said earlier this is a personal project, so it’s not like it’s going to be under that much scrutiny from anyone at Samwell.”

“Alright. I trust you,” Nursey said.

“I’m honored,” Eve replied, hand over her heart.

Nursey let Eve take over the conversation as they neared her apartment. He was exhausted, despite getting more sleep than usual the night before. Eating was difficult lately, and he bundled himself into a cozy sweatshirt and tried to ignore the unease in his gut. Eve let him disengage without saying anything, although her worried glances told Nursey she’d noticed.

Finally they pulled up in front of a long brown block of apartments, and Eve looked to Nursey when she turned the engine off. “You ready?” she grinned.

“Sure,” Nursey shrugged.

“C’mon, I’ll give you the grand tour.”

Eve’s ‘grand tour,’ it turned out, involved walking up two flights of stairs and being ushered into a cluttered living room. At that point, she simply pointed in various directions.

“Kitchen, bathroom, my room, Mo’s room. Mo, are you here?” she raised her voice, looking expectantly at the closed door. When no response came, Eve smiled. “Great, bathroom’s ours. Let me just grab some stuff.”

Eve disappeared into her bedroom, so Nursey went to the bathroom to wait. It was small, probably too small to close the door with two people inside. The mirror lights were bright and yellow, the shower curtain pale green. Hair dye and toothbrushes lined the far edge of the sink, but it was more organized than most college bathrooms he’d seen.

“Hey, sorry Derek,” Eve reappeared at Nursey’s shoulder. “I would have had this set up already, except I didn’t want to assume Mo would be gone. Do you want a chair? You don’t have to sit on the toilet.”

Nursey shrugged, partly because he didn’t care and partly because there really wasn’t room for a chair. He sat down on the lid of the toilet and faced Eve, who stared at his face with determination.

“I’m gonna start with the eyeshadow, but not all of it’s going on your eyes. You can keep your sweater on or take it off, but whatever you go with is what you’re stuck with for the photos because I don’t want you to accidentally smudge anything later on.”

“I’ve got a white tank top on under this; is that okay?” Eve nodded, and Nursey removed his sweater. He allowed Eve to work, and neither of them spoke for several minutes aside from Eve’s patient instructions to turn one way or another. Nursey closed his eyes, relaxed. He may not have known what Eve was doing to him, but her hands and brushes felt good on his face.

“Do you want to see?” Eve’s voice came from farther away than Nursey expected, and he opened his eyes to see her standing in the doorway.

“Are you done?” He asked.

“Yeah, I think. Might change my mind, though.”

Nursey turned to stare at his reflection in the mirror, uncomprehending at first. He looked… strange. He still looked like him, but slight color changes made a bigger difference than he’d expected in the face he saw every day.

“What do you think?” Eve asked.

“I don’t know,” Nursey said honestly. “You’re the artist, what do you think?”

“I think I want to see you under the lights.” Eve made a face. “I don’t know whether I should add more gold. The gold glitter highlight is a really good look for you. You should try it on your own sometime.”

Nursey looked at the mirror again, picking out the highlight she was referring to from the rest of his face. “Maybe I will,” he said to his reflection.

“C’mon, pretty boy,” Eve dragged him out into the living room.

After Eve turned off the living room lights and started messing with the colored ones, the two got to work. It was as fun as it had been the last time, and Nursey was definitely getting more comfortable posing for Eve. She had fewer specific instructions this time, but the two kept up a constant dialogue as Eve refined what she wanted and got pickier about angles.

“This would be so much fun with paintings. Like, if I did a whole series of people I’d painted on?” Eve smiled at her camera. “Senior showcase material,” she joked, “if I ever get tired of pretty boys.”

“You’d never get sick of looking at me,” Nursey grinned. Eve raised her eyebrows to let him know that she was unimpressed.

“Keep telling yourself that.” Nursey made an exaggeratedly offended expression and held it while Eve held up the camera.

“Do you want any more?” Nursey asked. Eve shook her head.

“I’ve just got to edit these digitally. The fun part’s over. I believe I owe you a coffee?”

“That was the arrangement,” Nursey agreed.

“We can stop and get some on the way back to campus if you want.”

“Sure. Mind going someplace with food? I haven’t had the chance to eat yet today,” Nursey admitted sheepishly.

“Yeah, of course.” Eve carefully put her camera in its bag, then set all the lights back to normal. Nursey tugged his sweater back on, accepted the makeup wipe Eve offered and set to scrubbing at his skin in her bathroom. Most of it came off with surprisingly little effort, although Nursey suspected that some of the glitter would be on his face and collar for a while yet.

“You ready yet?” Eve popped into the doorway, keyring circling her index finger.

“Yeah, I just… should have taken this off first,” Nursey muttered, hand scrubbing under the sweater.

“Need any help?” Nursey shook his head, and Eve waited patiently for him to finish. “You can have that highlighter if you want it. It irritates my skin, and I need to get a different color for me anyway.

Nursey looked at her. “What?”

Eve shrugged. “You’re pretty. It’s the one on the end there,” she pointed at the sink. “You don’t have to take it; if you don’t I’ll just offer it to my roommate.”

“Yeah, okay,” Nursey agreed and pocketed the gold shimmer.

Eve left for the door while Nursey was checking his reflection to make sure he’d gotten all of the makeup off. “C’mon child, I must feed you.”

“Whatever.” Nursey threw out the wipe and followed Eve to her front door. She opened the door and held it for him to walk through first.

“Take better care of yourself.” Eve flicked the side of Nursey’s head gently before locking the door.
- - -

[Chowder, 2:47p: Bitty and Jack met Farmer!!!!
Dex, 2:48p: Bitty AND jack??
Nursey, 2:49p: Yeah, dex, chowder had to bring farmer over to meet his parents]

Nursey grinned at the couple sitting together on Chowder’s bed. Chowder blushed but made no attempt to deny it.

“I thought it was cute how protective everyone is of Chris,” Caitlin offered. “Besides, it was one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. Bitty’s cooking is amazing.”

Chowder looked at Nursey triumphantly, and Nursey had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

“But why was Jack there?” Dex asked. “He doesn’t act like Chowder’s his son.”

“He sort of… stumbled in,” Chowder explained. “I think he wanted to spend time with Bitty.”

And that was something to think about, wasn’t it? The frogs looked at each other, avoiding the obvious answer. Dex opened his mouth to say something else, but Chowder cut him off.

“So Dex. You know Connie Grass?” He smiled innocently at Dex’s responding stammer.

“She’s in my section of calc I?”

“Oh, yeah!” Farmer joined in. “She said you guys went out? How was that?”

“I-I, fine!?” Dex stammered. “It was fine, we had fun. Why, what did she say to you?”

“Not much, she just mentioned,” Chowder shrugged. “Do you like her?” His eyes were bright and excited, so much so that Nursey almost felt bad for Dex.

“I guess? I mean, she’s really cute,” Dex admitted, flushing red. “I’m not, like, in love with her or anything though.”

“Chill, Poindexter,” Nursey laughed. “Not all of us are gonna fall hard right away like these two obnoxious lovebirds.” He raised his eyebrows toward the bed and made a face of disgust.

“Well excuse me for believing in love!” Chowder defended. “I just want us all to be happy.”

Caitlin smiled and leaned her shoulder into her boyfriend’s. “They can’t help being a romantic,” she said to Dex and Nursey.

“And they’re adorable,” Nursey responded, the pronoun awkward and clumsy in his mouth. “The rest of us can’t be so lucky.”

Chowder beamed while Caitlin said “aw, Derek, I think you’re plenty cute.”

“Dude, have you never had a girlfriend before?” Nursey aimed the question at Dex, who was still blushing red.

“Fuck off.” Dex said without heat.

“You haven’t, have you?” Nursey grinned. “Oh my god, you being a virgin explains literally so much-”

“I’m not a virgin, Nurse.” Dex cut him off with rolled eyes. “Sorry to disappoint.”

“Then why is your face always so red?”

“He can’t help it, Nursey!” Chowder spoke up. “Stop chirping each other in my room!”

“Sorry, C.” Nursey glanced self-consciously at Farmer, who looked amused more than anything.

“Are you always like this?” she asked.

“Yes,” Chowder huffed. “They bicker all the time and they usually drag me into their fight and it’s the worst. Tell them how awful they are.”

“You two stress out my boyfriend, and thus are kind of despicable,” Farmer said cheerily.

Nursey laughed, while Chowder looked absolutely delighted.

“Yeah, okay,” Nursey promised, “we can chill a bit.”
- - -

[Nursey, 12:33p: Hey C, r u at the Haus rn?
Chowder, 12:33p: yes
Nursey, 12:34p: great, who else is there?
Chowder, 12:37p: umm i think bitty ransom and holster. And dex might be coming. U ok?
Nursey, 12:38p: Not rly]

Nursey was having a Bad Day. When he got to the Haus, he flung himself onto the biohazard couch beside Chowder and ignored the pit in his stomach that meant he hadn’t eaten yet today. Chowder looked at him with concern, but Nursey didn’t know how to explain everything on his mind. Rather than words, Nursey emitted a long, piteous groan.

Everything was too much.

Nursey didn’t know how to make himself eat or how to make his face look soft enough and he was proud of being black but sick of wondering whether he was black enough, whether his black mom and white Brazilian dad ever really thought about what their kids would be like.

When Chowder asked “what’s up?”, Nursey gave an easy shrug and said “not much, how about you?” As though if he acted chill enough everything else would go away. He did not say another black boy’s been shot and the cops don’t care. He did not say another black boy’s dead and it could have been me. He did not say who am I kidding it’ll always be someone darker I can’t complain and he did not say maybe that SHOULD have been me and he did not say whoa self shut up you don’t mean that shut up shut up shut up be CHILL.

Dex came into the Haus and Nursey debated leaving, not sure whether his intrusive thoughts could handle being near Dex today. But Chowder and Ransom were both there- just because Dex had shown up didn’t mean Nursey was surrounded by white boys- so he shoved everything back in and didn’t acknowledge Dex’s presence. Dex didn’t even look toward him, just threw his bag down and gestured wildly in a burst of orangey anger.

“This one fucking straight boy keeps hitting on me. We’ve had class together literally this entire semester, I have told him and told him that I’m not gay and I’m pretty fucking sure he’s not interested in men either, and he just acts like he doesn’t get it! Like I haven’t told him a thousand fucking times Will is short for William.”

Bity made a noise of sympathy in his throat, and Dex kept going. “If this fucker calls me pretty one more time or gets in my space again, I am going to punch him in the goddamn throat. And the dude is so bougie. Like, I get it, you can afford to take me out despite the fact that you’ve never worked a day in your life. Why do people think that’s a selling point?”

Dex continued ranting, Bitty and Chowder agreeing with him every so often. Nursey stopped listening. It was difficult to tune out the angry yelling, but Nursey was tired and had enough trouble even without another person’s problems and emotions. The last thing he needed right now was a righteous Poindexter.

“Hey, Dex,” Nursey said, decidedly unchill, “Can you maybe tone it down?”

Instantly Dex’s face snapped toward Nursey. “What,” he asked slowly, “is it weird to hear that I can have problems even if I’m a white boy?”

“Yeah, you can,” Nursey agreed. “That doesn’t mean you have to yell about them.”

“Well, sorry for caring,” Dex snapped. “Not all of us can throw money at a problem until it goes away. God, why do cis people always think they’re so entitled?”

“Entitled to what exactly?” Nursey egged Dex on. Bitty glared sharply and Chowder sank into the couch, unhappy. It had been weeks since Nursey and Dex had had a real fight, and Nursey was done holding back. “To walk into a room and instantly make my problems the forefront of every discussion?”

“Sorry I’m not ‘chill’ like you, Nurse, and I actually care about things sometimes. Yeah, I’m gonna talk about the things that suck.”

“And you’ve always been able to! You’ve always been allowed to speak clearly. Even if you’re trans, your voice will be heard just because you’re white.”

“Maybe it’s not because I’m white, Nursey!” Dex yelled, volume finally rising. Nursey felt a tick of satisfaction even as Chowder made distressed sounds. Ransom and Holster poked their heads into the living room, twin looks of alarm on their faces as Dex got louder. “Maybe not every godforsaken problem in your life is because of racism! Maybe everyone at Andover hated you because you’re an awful snob!”

That hit Nursey like a punch to the gut, left him staggering for breath in a way nobody else in the room seemed to notice. Finding his voice, he pushed back, angry. “At least my voice doesn’t get so high I sound like a prepubescent cartoon character every time I get angry, which seems to be every fucking day for you.” Nursey stood to meet Dex, closing the gap between them. “Don’t talk like you know anything about me, Poindexter.”

Dex froze, eyes widening in terror. Someone shouted at them, and Nursey choked on an inhale. “Shit, I’m sorry,” he said immediately. “Dex-”

“I know you’ve got enough daddy issues to fill hundreds of terrible poems,” Dex said viciously. Nursey stilled, unable to believe this was happening. “Do you think he’d listen to you if you were white?”

The room was silent for a long, terrible moment. “Fuck you,” Nursey said finally, his blood cold and his eyes wide.

“You wish,” Dex snarled back.

“Enough!” Bitty shouted, moving between the pair. Despite being the tiny, friendly baker Nursey was used to, he was terrifying. “You boys are not going to fight in this Haus any longer.”

“Then tell him to stop being such an ass!” Dex exclaimed.

“Tell him to shut his mouth!” Nursey screamed.

“You guys both need to stop!” Chowder cried. “Come on, do you know how much it sucks to have my best friends yelling at each other?” Nursey turned to reply, but Bitty cut him off with a harsh glare.

“You two can come back here when you can get along,” he announced. “I don’t care if you’re never friends and I don’t care if you never like each other. You’re not going to set foot in this Haus again unless you can put that aside and have each others’ backs.”

Dex spluttered angrily, then stormed out without saying another word, slamming the door behind him. Nursey, on the other end, curled inward and carefully kept everything he felt away from his face. “See you, C,” he said quietly before leaving. Chowder didn’t meet his eyes, and guilt felt heavy in Nursey’s gut.
- - -

[Nursey, 6:14a: C, I’m really, really sorry
Nursey, 6:18a: that wasn’t cool and I never should have started shit in front of you
Nursey, 7:04a: are we good?
Chowder, 8:01a: This is Lardo. Chowder isn’t speaking to you until you and Dex get your shit together.]

Practice the week after was awful. Nursey and Dex weren’t speaking to each other, they could barely pass to each other, and the rest of the team was watching them with poorly concealed glares. All Nursey wanted was to ignore everything and have a couple hours of normalcy, but even Jack was colder than usual on the ice.

Chowder, his usual source of comfort when shit got rough, was in scary goalie mode every time Nursey got near. Even off the ice, he barely seemed to hear Nursey speak. Nursey couldn’t even take comfort from the fact that Dex was in the same position because Ransom and Holster kept trying to talk to Nursey about the importance of team bonding and supporting your D-partner.

And they were right. Nursey knew they were right. He and Dex fucked up big time, and they needed to fix it. The problem was that Nursey just didn’t care right now.

The moment practice was over, Nursey bolted out of there before Holster could catch him. At least in his classes, everything would be fucking normal and he could go back to not caring what white boys thought of him.
- - -

[Nursey, 2:21p: this has been a weird fucking week, man. How about you?]

Chowder was way, way better at the silent treatment than Nursey had anticipated. For all he gave Nursey and Dex sad puppy eyes when he thought no one was watching, he hadn’t said a word to either of them since the shouting match they’d started at the Haus. It made Nursey realize how much he relied on Chowder; a steady presence to distract him from a funk or force him to socialize. Even hanging out with Shitty wasn’t the same since he’d been banned from the Haus. Nursey hadn’t eaten pie in a week, and he was almost willing to put up with Dex’s angry insults if it meant getting to enjoy Bitty’s cooking again.

God, he really needed friends outside of the hockey team.

Between classes, practice, and working with Eve again, Nursey hadn’t even had time to get bored exactly. He just missed spending time with people he cared about.

“Dude, you’ve been moping all week. You alright?” Nursey looked up to see his roommate watching him in concern.

“Yeah, peachy,” Nursey lied. It wasn’t particularly convincing, but Marc looked relieved to not have to talk to him about it so. Purpose served, in its way.

[Eve, 4:40p: Finished editing!! I emailed u some of them, u should check them out]

Nursey opened his email app to see the photos she’d sent, and then almost immediately scrambled for his laptop. He needed to see more, needed to see better-

And then there they were, open on his computer screen in full color. Eve hadn’t been kidding about the gold. Even so, she had to have done something when she was editing, there was no way he looked like that-

Nursey stared intently at the photos for the next several minutes, a heavy indefinable feeling rising through his chest. He saved them on both his computer and his phone and sent Eve a quick response [they look so good! :000] that didn’t begin to capture how he felt.

[What can I say? U make a good pretty boy]

Nursey watched his phone blankly, thoughts and ideas slowly clicking together in his brain. He looked at the pictures again, his depressive impulse-purchasing tendencies making themselves known. But really, this wasn’t even worth mentioning on the list of stupid shit he’d pulled, and it wouldn’t cost that much.

Decision made, Nursey grabbed his phone and wallet and left his dorm. Stop-and-Shop would sell eyeliner, right?
- - -

[Dex, 12:32a: Nursey it’s been two weeks. We have to talk
Dex, 12:40a: i’m coming to ur dorm]

“Brah,” Shitty said, “Nursey, are you doing alright?”

“Chyeah,” Nursey shrugged. “It’s fine. Chowder’s not actually gonna be able to keep avoiding me. Dude doesn’t know how to stay mad; he’ll forgive us in no time.”

“Okay,” Shitty allowed, but he didn’t look convinced. “Aside from that, though: how are you reacting to everything?”

Nursey held up the bowl he and Shitty had been sharing for the better part of an hour. “I’m not.”

Shitty nodded, and Nursey inhaled deeply from the long tube. He passed the bowl back to Shitty, who took it but held off on taking another hit. “I wasn’t there, but I heard you two said some nasty stuff. You don’t usually let things get away from you like that. I’m worried, brah, what happened?”

“It was just a bad day,” Nursey waved him off. “It wasn’t very chill of me, I know. I just… woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. Like my body was the wrong one and my whole self was trying to jump out of it, you know?”

Shitty stared at Nursey. “Uh, not really,” he said.

“Oh.” Nursey shrugged. “Well, I get like that sometimes. Like, everything just feels off and I can’t figure out how and… it hurts, kinda. It’s like- I dunno, like my hands are too big but I can’t envision them any smaller. Anyway, that doesn’t matter. I just… couldn’t deal with Poindexter on top of that. I snapped. I wanted a fight, so I just… kept pushing ‘til I got one.”

Shitty watched Nursey carefully. If he were anyone else, Nursey would have felt judged. “Brah,” he said finally. “That’s some shit.” He took a long drag and passed the bowl back to Nursey as his exhale clouded the air.

It was a little after 12:30 when Nursey made his way home. He stumbled into bed and closed his eyes, ignoring his phone when it went off. Time was passing strangely, but Nursey could have sworn it was only a few minutes later when the door started pounding.

“Nurse! I know you’re in there, open up.” The door banged a few times, and then Dex shouted again. Nursey ignored it, content to let the knocking grow louder and more insistent until Dex went away.

Dex didn’t stop, though, and Marcfinally stood from his bed and threw the door open. “Derek, deal with your fucking mess,” he demanded. “It’s 1 in the morning. I’d like to watch Netflix in peace.” He went back to his laptop, leaving Dex standing in the wide open doorway. Nursey debated staying where he was rather than addressing his partner, but then he realized Dex could see him and might actually come into his room if he didn’t do something. The idea of Dex in his space jolted Nursey into panic, and suddenly he rushed to the door to block his teammate.

“Why are you here?”

Nursey watched Dex fidget, clearly uncomfortable. “We need to talk Nursey, you have to know that. We can’t- we can’t keep doing this.”

“So talk,” Nursey said, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with Dex.

“I’m sorry,” he said. A pause followed, no excuses, no defenses, no explanations. Dex was being sincere, and Nursey was definitely not prepared to have a sincere conversation with Dex. It was 1am on a Thursday night, and he really wasn’t sober enough for this.

“I’m sorry,” Dex said again. “I crossed a line. I didn’t mean what I said, I was just- I just wanted to hurt you.” He looked at Nursey for some kind of reaction. “Anyway. I’m not saying- What you said wasn’t okay, Nursey. You can’t tell me I sound like a girl. You can’t use the fact that I’m trans when you get pissed off at me.

“But that doesn’t excuse what I did. And you’re right. I’m always mad, and I always sort of assume that everyone else’s life is going better than mine. I’m not used to being out, yet. Not used to talking to people who aren’t from Maine. I’m… adapting. Learning. That not everyone is my brother.” Dex rubbed his arm nervously. “I’m still pissed. I’m not suggesting we have you ever felt like nobody was there forgive each other right now. But we have to get past this. We- we’re partners, and Chowder’s my best friend, and I can’t afford to ruin that over you. So can we just… try?”

He looked at Nursey again, finally looked at him without turning away, and Nursey’s words got caught in his throat. “I’m sorry too,” was easy. “I knew that wasn’t chill. Just wanted a fight.” He didn’t say ‘I forgive you’. They weren’t there yet; one apology didn’t make up for blows dealt. But it was something.

Dex looked at him again, like he was expecting more. Like he was expecting some sort of emotional heart-to-heart right there in the moonlight.

“I’ll tell Chowder we’re chill,” Nursey promised, and closed the door in his face.
- - -

[Chowder, 12:04p: Are you guys rly done fighting???
Nursey, 12:26p: Chyeah. We’re not friends or anything but we’re done arguing
Chowder, 12:28p: !!!!! Want to hang out in my room?
Nursey, 12:30p: Sure]

They didn’t talk about that night. Nursey went to class in the morning, the echoes of Dex’s apology ringing in his ears. By the time Chowder texted, Nursey had just about convinced himself that nothing was going to happen. The text was physical evidence, Dex must have said something to Chowder and trusted Nursey to back him up, and wasn’t that a new and unnerving feeling.

Unsurprisingly, Dex was already in Chowder’s room when Nursey arrived. Nursey and Dex watched each other, with Chowder eyeing them both carefully. Dex looked almost scared as he swallowed and broke eye contact, not saying anything. Nursey threw himself onto the floor and grinned up at Chowder, keeping Dex in the corner of his vision.

“Hey, C. How’ve you been?”

Chowder gave him a flat look. “Awful,” he said dryly. “Or- well, I mean I haven’t been awful because I’ve had Bitty and Farmer and classes, but you guys are my best friends and it sucks to have to be mad at you.”

“Sorry,” Nursey muttered sheepishly.

“What have you guys been doing?” Chowder asked excitedly.

Nursey shrugged. “Shit with my friend Eve,” he summed the events of the past week.

“Working,” Dex said quietly.

“Oh. Okay! My sister’s birthday just passed, and I didn’t actually realize how much I miss her but I called her for like 3 hours the night before. Makes me want to fly out to California just to see her again! But obviously I can’t afford to do that on a whim. I think we’re gonna road trip this summer though! Maybe with Cait; I think they’d get along and plus Cait’s the only one with her own car.”

Chowder’s voice rose in volume as his excitement built. “Dude, you’re getting loud,” Nursey warned.

“Sorry!” Chowder’s face fell for a moment, then brightened.

“It’s cool that you got to talk to her, though. How old’s your sister?” Dex spoke up.

“Oh!” Chowder continued speaking, this time as a more normal volume. “She’s two years younger, but she’s graduating early so she’s almost done with high school. I’m so proud of her!”

“That’s awesome!”

“Cassie, right?” Dex asked.

“Yeah! I want to bring her to San Francisco pride this year, if I can do it without Mom and Dad finding out.”

“You’re not out to your parents?” Nursey asked, surprised.

Chowder looked at him. “No? Are you out to yours?”

“Well, yeah. Mom doesn’t care.” They both glanced at Dex, who rubbed his arm nervously.

“I came out to mine right before moving, but they’re- it’s complicated,” he said uncomfortably.

“Well, my sister knows. And my parents probably suspect I’m bi because they aren’t clueless, but they don’t know I’m nonbinary and that’s not a conversation we’re having. Ever.” Chowder kept going, leaving no room for either Nursey or Dex to respond. “Cassie’s great, though. I’m not sure whether she’s queer or not, but she calls me her sibling instead of brother and she’s covered for me a few times.”

“That sounds great,” Nursey said wistfully. “My sister moved out three years before I went to Andover, so I hardly ever see her in person.”

“Skype is your friend,” Dex said quietly, and Nursey grinned.

“Not always,” he said. “I wouldn’t try Skyping around the Haus, for one. Or around certain dorms at Andover. There are things Sara doesn’t need to see.”

“Lucky for her,” Dex muttered, but he was smiling.

Chowder grinned at both of them, and his sunny beam made everything else worth it.
- - -

[Marc, 12:23p: There’s a giant package here for u I put it on ur bed]

His roommate was still home when Nursey got back to the dorm. Nursey debated not opening the box until he had privacy, but impatience won out. Nursey ripped open the package while sitting on his bed, excited and nervous to see the contents.

The problem with buying makeup in person was that Nursey didn’t have enough confidence yet. He’d been slowly collecting small things, things that were barely noticeable- first a bit of eyeliner, then some lip gloss. Things he could get from convenience stores along with a bunch of other things so the cashier wouldn’t think he was just there to buy makeup. Places he could easily reach without a car, since he wasn’t quite ready to tell anyone else.

The problem with buying makeup online was that Nursey had no sense of moderation.

“What the fuck, dude,” Marc stared as Nursey took box after box from the package and set the contents on the bed. “Is that all for one person?”

Nursey looked up, surrounded now by several brushes and palettes and glittery hues. “Yes?” he answered.

“Who’s it for? And how much did that cost you?”

“Um...it’s for me,” Nursey said hesitantly. “And… like 140? After shipping and shit?”

Marc stared at him then, and Nursey resisted the urge to leave suddenly. It was hard to gage his roommate’s reaction, but he was obviously disturbed. “What… the fuck,” he said finally.

Nursey shrugged and looked away. Even if Marc did say something shitty, there was only a few weeks left before they stopped living together. He just had to figure out where he could go to try out everything he’d just gotten, since he sure as fuck wasn’t about to try anything in the communal bathroom and couldn’t really use the mirror in their room while Marc was still there. He grabbed a bag and started shoving everything into it, mentally cataloging his options. The library bathrooms were usually free, but he didn’t really have a way of ensuring no one walked in on him there. Eve would be willing to help, but she was probably off campus and Nursey didn’t know any of the other art students well enough to ask.

His safest option was probably the Haus, but that would mean revealing this part of himself to his teammates and oh fuck oh fuck he wasn’t ready for that yet.

“Hey, Derek?” Marc cut into his panic. “You know I don’t care whether you wear that stuff, right? I can’t believe anyone would spend that much on it, but you do you I guess.”

Nursey swallowed. “Thanks, bro,” he said, heart still beating too quickly. Then he hefted his bag over his shoulder and walked toward the door. “I’ll catch you later,” he called, already scrambling for breath.

The moment the door closed behind him, Nursey bolted for the stairwell. No one ever used it, this many floors from the ground, making it a good place for privacy. Privacy was definitely something he needed right now; it hadn’t even been a Bad Day but suddenly Nursey itched to just get away from it all.

Nursey leaned against the wall, huddled in the corner of the stairwell. He curled in on himself, pretending he was small enough to fold up, and let go. It was one of those days when everything hit him at once, and stress he didn’t even know was there came out in his panicked state.

Nursey only stayed there for a few minutes before wiping his face clean. Then he dug for his cell phone.

Sara answered on the fourth ring.

“Hey! What’s up, Derek?” Nursey could have laughed from how happy he was to hear her voice.

“Hey, Sara.” He winced at his own voice, which came out scratchy and raw.

“Are you okay!?”

Guilt came at his sister’s worry. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

“Did you do something stupid again?”

“No!” Nursey insisted. “Well, maybe. But not stupid like you’re thinking, it’s chill.”

“Derek, you say ‘chill’ the way you said you were fine when you were 15.”

“Damn,” he laughed. “Call me out.”

“Of course I’m gonna call you out, I’m your sister. What’s wrong?”

Nursey waved her off. “Nothing major,” he told her. “Just… a lot of little things. It’s been building. I miss you.” He sighed a little, but now that he was talking to Sara it was easier to smile.

“I miss you too. But it’s not that much longer until you’re back in New York.”

“I’m gonna pester you every day when I get back.”

“How? You don’t even live with me,” Sara teased.

“You’re not that far from Mom, you can still visit us.”

“Or you can visit me and give Mom some time to herself,” Sara suggested.

“She gets eight months without me, is that not enough?”

“I think she’s hiding something,” Sara said gleefully, “and you’re gonna help me figure it out when you get back.

“What? Why would she hide anything? It’s not like we don’t know she has her own life.”

“I know,” Sara agreed, “she’s just been… kinda dodgy? Lately? She hasn’t been home as often, I know that.”

“Maybe she just has a boyfriend,” Nursey suggested.

“That’s what I thought, but she usually tells me when she’s dating someone.”

“Well…” Nursey stopped. “Yeah, we should figure that one out. God, I haven’t spoken to Mom in like… a month? Maybe more?”

“Does she not know you blew up at Dex, then?” Sara laughed as Nursey moaned miserably.

“Hush. It’s all fine now. She doesn’t need to hear that story.”

“That mean you two are actually getting along?”

“Uh… we’ve reached a compromise,” Nursey said.

Sara snorted. “Right.”

“He’s not too bad right now,” Nursey promised.

“That sounds... uh… fake,” Sara said. “What’s this Dex doing to you?”

“I’m fine,” Nursey laughed. “I just miss you. I miss Manhattan.”

“You sound like it’s your first year away from home.”

Nursey shrugged. “Obviously it’s not, I just… I dunno, been a very different year. It’s one of those days.”

“Well, if you decide to be a dumbass and run back here early, you can always crash with me.”

“Really?”

“I mean I’m not saying you should do anything that stupid,” Sara clarified quickly. “But if you do, yeah. I’ve got you.”

“I’m not going to do anything, Sara. Have a little more faith in me. But what about this summer?”

“I’m not taking you in for the whole summer, but I’ve got some space if you want to crash for a little while, yeah.”

“S’wawsome,” Nursey breathed. “I can’t wait.”

“One month,” Sara promised.

“Yeah,” Nursey agreed. “It’s such a looong month, though. You have to tell me everything I’m missing right now.”

“There’s not that much to tell!”

“You know there is! How’s your life? What are you doing?”
- - -

[Bitty, 11:25a: Pie @ the Haus! You and Dex are welcome to come and get some :)]

Being allowed back into the Haus was great, and Nursey’s new truce with Dex was even better. Well, except for the pie. Nothing was better than Bitty’s pie, which came with the realization that Nursey’s stomach was letting him eat Bitty’s pie.

It was a good day.

Somehow, Nursey and Dex were the first ones to get to Bitty’s dessert despite not living in the Haus. Lardo and Holster came next, each casting wary glances the frogs’ way. Holster mostly looked proud as he grabbed a slice for himself and a slice for the coral reef. Lardo was less forgiving. She glared at them both equally, and left Nursey feeling thoroughly chastised. He kept silent the entire time she was there, letting Bitty take over the conversation while he shared a look of terror with Dex.

When Lardo left, finally, she gave Nursey one last warning look before disappearing.

Nursey swallowed. “Thanks for the pie, Bits. I’m gonna go sit outside for a bit. Enjoy the weather.” He quickly made his escape and sat on the Haus steps, staring at the LAX house across the street.

His thoughts drifted lazily, ideas that he would need to write down later. Only a few bites of pie were left, and Nursey was torn between scooping them up and savoring them.

The front door opened. Nursey looked up to see Dex towering over him. Dex looked down hesitantly, Nursey shrugged, and the two boys settled on the porch in strange companionship. Dex stretched his legs out next to Nursey’s, carefully not looking at him.

“Jack and Bitty were talking. I felt a little awkward in the middle of that conversation, so I figured I’d come out here.”

Nursey grunted in agreement, smiling a little at their friends’ obviousness. “Hey, I keep meaning to ask. Why are you so fucking tall?”

Dex looked sideways. “I’m the same height as you.”

“Exactly.”

Dex waited a little longer, but Nursey didn’t add anything. What was there to say? Time stretched on, and he regretted blurting out such a stupid question when at last Dex shrugged.

“Got lucky, I guess,” he said finally. “I dunno, I was always just… the really tall redhead with big ears.” His voice was bitter.

Nursey hummed in sympathy. “Laundry list of the things they made fun of in high school?”

“More or less,” Dex agreed. “That and being androgynous. Joke’s on them, though; I was a boy all along and they were secretly validating my gender.”

Nursey laughed, and then his laugh turned to a grin at Dex’s pleased flush.

“Ah, the good ol’ days,” Nursey muttered. He scooped up the last few bites of pie and held them in his mouth.

“So…” Dex coughed nervously, pitching his voice lower. “So,” he started again, “this is… maybe not my place to say? But… you know Chowder’s on the spectrum, right?”

“Duh,” Nursey said, swallowing, “Dude’s not exactly subtle. Not that that’s bad!” Dex rolled his eyes.

“Obviously. Just, can you try not to tell him to shut up so often?”

“What?” Nursey stared at Dex blankly.

“Volume control,” Dex explained. “Obviously he doesn’t have it. But when he gets loud and you point it out- I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but. He kind of freezes up?”

“I don’t tell him to shut up,” Nursey insisted.

“I think that’s what he takes it as, though,” Dex said. “Or- I don’t know. I think he gets frustrated? I dunno, Nurse, he just reacts weirdly when you tell him to be quiet. All you have to do is, like, follow it up with a question about the Sharks or some shit.”

“Gotta love C’s dedication to his special interest,” Nursey said absently, digesting Dex’s words.

“You really do,” Dex said. The door opened behind him, and Lardo looked surprised to see them there.

“Well, well, well,” she said, leaning against the doorframe. “Boys.”

“Lardo,” Dex said, scrambling to his feet.

“‘Sup, Lards,” Nursey said calmly, as though he hadn’t come outside in the first place while fleeing from her.

“I see you’ve decided to get along.” She looked critically at them both.

“Yeah,” Dex agreed. Nursey said nothing, forcing himself to stay chill.

“Good.” Lardo smiled, and Nursey got the feeling that she knew just how intimidating she was. “See you later, boys.” Dex practically dodged to get out of the way as Lardo sauntered down the steps, casually flipping off the LAX house as she left.

Nursey couldn’t help but chuckle at Dex’s nervousness, no matter how hypocritical it was. “Chill, Poindexter,” he said because he could.

“Shut up, Nurse,” Dex snapped. “Your chill is fake as hell. It has to be.”

“Yep,” Nursey agreed easily. “And yet, you’ll never see me without it.”

Dex glared harshly at that. “Bye,” he said pointedly, then disappeared back into the Haus. Nursey reached for his plate to follow, but realized that Dex had taken it with him.

“Thanks, Poindexter,” he called, aiming for sarcastic but accidentally sounding sincere.
- - -

[Nursey, 5:38p: Yo Poindexter I heard u kno Jacob from my BioA class
Nursey, 5:38p: Green hair, paints his nails?
Dex, 5:43p: Oh my god I hate you so much.]

“What exactly did he tell you?” Dex asked, resigned.

“He said you guys went out a couple weeks ago,” Nursey grinned, teasing Dex. “C’mon Poindexter. Why didn’t you tell us you had a date? When’s the last time you got some action?”

“Fuck off. Just because I don’t tell you about it doesn’t meant I don’t date,” Dex said grumpily. “It’s none of your business.”

“Does that mean you want us to stop asking?” Chowder asked nervously.

“No, it means I want to know what Jacob told you,” Dex said, poking Nursey with his foot.

“Nnnnnnnnnngh,” Nursey moaned.

“C’mon, Nursey,” Farmer said from her spot in the grass, leaning against Chowder. “You can’t bring it up and then not tell us.”

“Why should I share what I learned second-hand when we can hear from someone who was actually there?”

“Because I don’t feel like sharing,” Dex said firmly.

“Fine.” Nursey sighed and sat up to face his friends. “He said you… went off campus, presumably because you didn’t want to risk being seen by your wonderful teammates. I’m assuming you drove, since you’re a control freak and how many freshmen do you know who have their own cars.”

“I have a car,” Farmer pointed out.

“And between the two of you, I need never learn to drive,” Nursey said appreciatively.

“I still can’t believe you don’t even want a license,” Dex complained.

“Come to Manhattan,” Nursey said. “See what your license does for you then. Anyway, did I get anything wrong?”

“That’s not everything Jacob told you,” Dex said with certainty.

“Well, no... “ Nursey trailed off, unsure how much he should say. “It’s not really my business, though, right? I mostly brought it up cause I was surprised you’d date a dude.”

Dex shrugged. “It’s... complicated. And I definitely don’t date straight dudes.” He jabbed Nursey with his foot again. “If you already know something, then I don’t care if Chowder and Farmer hear it. I just want to know what you heard.”

Nursey squirmed away from Dex’s foot. “Jacob said the date was alright, but you didn’t seem that into it. And that you’re really good in bed.”

Dex stared blankly. “In… in bed,” he repeated.

“So to speak?” Nursey’s voice rose uncomfortably. “Look, I’m not gonna judge.”

Dex groaned and fell dramatically backward, covering his face with his arm. “I hate you.”

“Chill, Poindexter. There’s nothing wrong with liking sex.”

“Shut up.”

“Far be it from me to kinkshame a fellow D-man, even if he does like biting way too-”

“I hate you,” Dex said loudly to cover up Nursey’s words. Behind him, Chowder and Farmer were laughing wildly.

“C’mon, Dex, that’s not that bad,” Farmer grinned.

“It’s not,” Dex agreed. “But this is so not how I would have wanted to start this discussion.”

“Oh? So how would you have started it?” Nursey smiled. “Would you perhaps have gone ‘hey guys, so it turns out I’m gay too.”

“I am not gay,” Dex rolled his eyes. “I’m… something. It’s complicated and also not your business. If I’d started this conversation, I would have said literally anything that didn’t start with gossip from someone I’d slept with.”

“You know, that’s completely reasonable,” Farmer said.

“Nursey, you owe Dex something embarrassing,” Chowder said.

“What?” Nursey stared at him.

“He embarrasses himself every day,” Dex said. “That’s hardly fair.”

“As long as you don’t fight about it,” Chowder shrugged. “Instead of getting mad, you can just get even.”

Dex looked over at Nursey. “I’ll collect on that… later,” he promised. “Right now I have to go to a review session for calculus. I’ll catch you later.” Dex stood and stretched, then waved goodbye.
- - -

[Chowder, 4:54p: I got Jack’s Dibs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :DDDDD
Dex, 4:57p: Holy shit congrats
Nursey, 5:23p: Grats broooo]

With only two weeks left in the semester, Nursey was determined to wear makeup in public without being afraid. That was the point of coming to Samwell, wasn’t it? Except that he couldn’t actually make himself stop wondering what other people thought of him, couldn’t chill enough to just… not care so much.

So, caring. That was new. But he had to do it anyway, right? So it was time to be brave.

The first couple of times he wore makeup around the Haus, it was subtle. The first couple of times, no one noticed. Eventually Nursey got calmer, braver, and made bolder moves.

It was the gold shimmer Eve had given Nursey that did him in, eventually. He’d managed to forget he was wearing it by the time Shitty, in the middle of a Smash Bros. match against Ransom, said, “brah, you are rocking that look.”

“What look?” Ransom asked without looking away from the screen. “Are you just trying to distract me because I’m murdering your puny Wii trainer-”

“It’s not my fault random has it out for me!” Shitty protested as his avatar died for the second time. “Anyway, I meant Nursey.”

“Wait, what?”

Nursey sat on the arm of the couch while Ransom’s character worked on kicking Shitty’s poor trainer off the map yet again. When the inevitable occurred, Ransom gave one shout in Shitty’s face before turning to look at Nursey. Nursey was watching Lardo’s Snapchat story and refused to look up.

“I’m so proud of you,” Shitty said, clapping him soundly on the back. “Defying gender norms and proving that men can totally look pretty if they want to.”

“Uh… yeah,” Nursey said stiffly, far too aware of Lardo and Dex poking their heads through the doorway to see what all the fuss was.

“Shits, what are you on about?” Lardo called, and Shitty grinned in a way that actually scared Nursey a little bit.

“This beautiful frog has decided that his unnaturally gorgeous face wasn’t enough of an advantage over us regular humans.”

“Shitty, chill,” Nursey commanded. “It’s just some highlight and eyeliner. Not a big deal.” All eyes turned to him at that, like some weird 3-way staring contest where Nursey wasn’t sure who he was supposed to stare back at. Naturally, his eyes fell on Dex. At this point Nursey was so used to being judged by Dex that he may as well get the worst of it over.

Aside from surprise, Nursey couldn’t read anything on Dex’s face. Lardo, however, nodded appraisingly and said “looking good, Nursey.” Her approval seemed to shift the awkward tension away. Ransom leaned across Shitty for a congratulatory fistbump.

“Oh, wow!” Nursey hadn’t even realized Chowder was there, but he came barrelling toward Nursey like the excitable puppy he was. “That’s so s’wawsome! When did you learn to do that?”

Nursey shrugged. “Still figuring it out. My friend Eve sort of- uh. Inspired me?” HIs voice became uncomfortably high at the end of that sentence, and Nursey winced. Be chill. “You want to try?”

He was mostly joking, the way Nursey always did when he was nervous. Chowder’s face lit up when he said it, though, and it wasn’t like Nursey could take the offer back.

“Yeah!” he said enthusiastically. “That’s- that’d be so cool!”

“Oh. Well,” Nursey shrugged, far more nonchalant than he felt, “I don’t have any stuff here, but we could. Plan a time.”

“How much makeup do you have, Nurse?” Dex asked from the doorway he was still leaning against. “That shit’s expensive.”

“You know what, Poindexter-” Nursey turned to see amusement on Dex’s face, not spite. “I don’t have to tell you that.”
- - -

[Dex, 2:47p: So how does Samwell’s resident pretty boy feel about being in the Swallow?
Nursey, 2:47p: Feeling pretty loved, Poindexter ;) ]

“Knock, knock,” Nursey said aloud, pushing open the door to Chowder’s room.

“Who’s there?” Chowder responded from his bed. He sat cross-legged in an off-shoulder shirt that Nursey assumed belonged to Farmer. It looked soft.

“Hey, C,” Nursey grinned. “Okay, so I’m just gonna say this first: my roommate kinda freaked when he saw my shit. Please, don’t judge.”

Chowder rolled his eyes. “I already know you have no self-control and blew enough money to make Dex implode if he found out. C’mon, Nursey, I know you by now.”

“Excuse me, I have lots of self-control!” Nursey insisted. “And Poindexter is going to implode no matter what, so that’s a biased measurement.”

“Uh huh,” Chowder said. “So what completely unrelated thing were you warning me not to freak out about then?” Chowder graciously Nursey time to hesitate before his expression turned smug.

“Why does Bitty still think you’re innocent?” Nursey complained, slinging his bag onto the floor. “You’re a menace, C.”

“Let him believe what he wants,” Chowder shrugged. “Quit staring awkwardly and get over here.” Chowder indicated the space in front of his crossed legs.

“Jeez, alright,” Nursey fake groused. He pulled a smaller bag out of his larger pack, all of his makeup awkwardly squashed together inside. “How does Farmer feel about you inviting other people into your bed?”

“Oh, shut up Nursey,” Chowder laughed. “Farmer and I have a relationship based on trust and communication. She’s not gonna get jealous of someone from the team.”

“What, you wouldn’t date one of us? Holster will be so hurt.”

“Holster can deal with it,” Chowder said. “Can you honestly imagine dating someone else from the hockey team?”

“Well…” Nursey thought about it. “I mean, I can think of a few other guys who’ve probably thought about it.”

“Jack’s about to graduate,” Chowder pointed out. “He and Bitty hardly count.”

“Fine,” Nursey gave in. “What about Ransom and Holster?”

“What about them? Ransom’s dating March from Farmer’s team.”

“Is he?” Nursey stretched out his legs, leaning them against Chowder’s. “Still, you can’t tell me those two haven’t thought about dating. Not with how vocal Holster is about being bi.”

Chowder shrugged noncommittally. “Maybe. Maybe they decided it wouldn’t work out. Everyone on the team already spends so much time together, and we have so many of the same people in common. I think it’s good to have friends outside of that.”

Nursey nodded. “I get that. God knows, after all the stupid shit the team’s seen me do at Kegsters, I’d want to be able to start fresh with someone I was dating.”

“Someone who hasn’t seen you after your 10th shot?” Chowder chirped, “Or someone who hasn’t seen you completely sober around Dex?”

“Alright, so the makeup!” Nursey said loudly, followed by, “Why are you never this mean around the team?”

“Cause you and Dex usually have it covered,” Chowder replied. “What do you have?”

“Um… stuff,” Nursey said uncertainly. He and Chowder pored over the pile, pulling out everything that looked remotely interesting and ignoring the ones clearly meant for Nursey’s skin tone. They amassed a small, glittery pile with all of Nursey’s unnatural blues and greens.

“You are...entirely too predictable,” Nursey said quietly.

“You need more glitter,” Chowder declared.

“I can get craft glitter,” Nursey offered. “I’d wait until after your makeup’s already done, though.”

Chowder placated, Nursey focused on keeping his friend still. Chowder kept his hands in his lap; although Nursey could see them fidgeting relentlessly, his upper body stayed still. Nursey kneeled in front of him and leaned in, hand on Chowder’s face to keep him where he wanted as he brushed over his eyelids.

“What are you doing?” Chowder asked curiously.

Nursey answered honestly. “No idea. Gonna see how much of this pile I can actually use at the same time. Probably should have started by filling in your eyebrows.” Chowder raised said brows in reaction, prompting Nursey to hiss at him to hold still.

“That tickles.” Chowder wrinkled his nose as he complained, and Nursey sat back in frustration.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked.

“No, I do! I’m just not used to having stuff on my face,” Chowder insisted.

“Does it bother you?”

“Umm… maybe a little? I’ll let you know.”

“Alright,” Nursey leaned in again slowly, aware he could feel Chowder’s breaths under his hands.

“Why are you so warm?” Chowder laughed when Nursey pulled away. His fingers were tapping faster now, dancing along his crossed calves.

“Dunno, I just produce a crazy amount of body heat,” Nursey shrugged. “Don’t open your eyes.” He leaned back to rifle through the pile, mentally mapping out what he was going to do.

“Hey, so Dex said something the other day,” Nursey said casually. He stifled a laugh when Chowder tried and failed at not looking too intrigued. “Does it, like, bother you when I ask you to be quieter?”

Whatever Chowder had been expecting, that wasn’t it. He paused like he was thinking about it carefully. “Did Dex tell you it does?”

“Sort of,” Nursey admitted. “He made it sound like I was telling you to shut up in the middle of conversation, which I’ve never meant to do, but… I wanted to make sure we were cool.”

“Oh,” Chowder said in a small voice. “Um, can I open my eyes?”

“Yeah, of course.” Nursey leaned back on the bed, giving his friend some space.

“Okay, so.” Chowder inhaled, watching Nursey intently. “I’m autistic. Obviously. And I’m really bad at social cues. Um. And volume control. And new foods. And some other things that I don’t want to get into right now.

“Anyway, um. A lot of people tell me to talk less? If I’m too loud or if they just don’t want to hear about the Sharks anymore. It’s not a big deal, but I also ask a lot of questions sometimes when I just... don’t get things. And I’ve had a lot of people think I was wasting their time or being stupid or something. I don’t know. But the volume thing didn’t help, especially when it’s like a teacher or my parents not understanding why I don’t get stuff I’m supposed to.

“And also I didn’t know I was on the spectrum until high school, so. I’m fine when you tell me to be quiet; you’re my best friend and you’re one of the only people I can talk to without being like ‘what do you really mean.’ But I’ve just had… seriously a lot of people tell me to be quiet, and sometimes I’d only get like 3 words out and then it felt like people wanted me to shut up, so. I kind of automatically think that’s what everyone wants, sometimes.”

Chowder trailed off, then leaned away from his bed to grab a tupperware container from his desk. He lifted the lid and stuck his hand into teal sand.

“I didn’t know Dex had caught on. Don’t worry too much about it- I’ll talk to him. Like, yes, I have that problem in general, but I don’t have that problem with you. Or Dex or Farmer. Or Lardo.”

“Oh.” Nursey felt guilt churning in his stomach despite Chowder’s reassurances. “Sorry if I’ve ever said anything. If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”

“It’s fine!” Chowder stretched his legs out across Nursey’s lap as he scooped handfuls of sand and let them fall back into the tub. “When did Dex say something to you?”

“Uh… after the fight,” Nursey swallowed. “We were at the Haus and I.... Don’t know what to talk about with him, so we started talking about you.”

Chowder grinned. “That is really sweet and really sad. You have so much in common!”

Nursey rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.”

“Oh, come on!” Chowder exclaimed. “You have hockey, Samwell, being queer, literally anything related to the Haus or the team. Including me, I guess, but I’m not the only thing!”

Nursey shrugged, not willing to discuss it.

“You guys are getting along a lot better,” Chowder pointed out.

“I know,” Nursey admitted. “It’s… weird.”

Chowder sighed, exasperated. “Whatever,” he gave up. “You should go back to making me pretty.”

“You’re always pretty,” Nursey promised. “Even with your zebra brows.”

Chowder grinned. “That’s true,” he declared. He folded his legs back under him, teal sand deposited in the middle.

“Alright. What are you okay with?” Nursey rifled through the pile. “I’ve got… lipstick? I don’t think the eye stuff’s gonna work.”

“Mmmmmaybe not,” Chowder conceded. “Lipstick sounds… heavy? Will I be able to feel it?”

“There’s different kinds. And lip gloss?” Nursey suggested. “We could try that?”

Chowder nodded eagerly, and Nursey grabbed the translucent tube. Chowder managed to hold still for long enough to let Nursey apply it, eyes closed and lips open. Then Nursey sat back, studying the minor changes he’d made on Chowder’s face. “Okay,” he said decisively, “I think we need glitter.”

Chowder nodded seriously. “Of course we do! I even wore this outfit for the occasion!”

Nursey raised an eyebrow. “Are those Farmer’s clothes?”

“Of course not,” Chowder scoffed. “She helped me get them, though. They’re the only really fem clothes that I have right now. It’s still hard to find stuff that’s, like. Comfortable. Farmer’s soooo supportive though! I really love her!” He looked at Nursey with wide, eager eyes, and Nursey swallowed.

“Um, that’s. Wow,” he tried. “Holy shit? I’m happy for you, man.”

Chowder beamed. “I’m so excited for this summer. Cassie’s gonna meet Farmer, and we’re gonna try shopping together at thrift stores and stuff. I’ll Skype you a whole bunch!”

Nursey laughed, leaning back and letting the wall take his weight. “That sounds great,” he said wistfully. “So are you, like… trying to be more, uh. Feminine?”

Chowder looked at Nursey intently, then shrugged. “Gender’s fake,” he said decisively. “I don’t know if I want to be feminine, exactly, but I don’t want to be more masculine.”

“Softer,” Nursey supplied, touching his own jaw.

“I guess,” Chowder gave a one shouldered shrug. “I like being glittery. And I’m not sure how much it really matters to me, yet, but I know you guys all still see me as a guy.” Nursey looked at him, startled.

“We do? I mean… how are we supposed to… you said you were okay with male pronouns, right?”

“I am.” Chowder sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Are you trans?” Nursey asked suddenly. “Like Dex?”

“Not like Dex.” Chowder said firmly “I don’t know. I guess, technically… Maybe. But I don’t really….” He trailed off uncertainly. “I’d technically be transfeminine, right? Except like I said, I don’t really want to be feminine. I’m not sure I even understand what gender’s supposed to be enough to know whether it’s me.”

Nursey nodded slowly. “Yeah, I totally get that. I mean, I’m cis but…. Some days I don’t think I know how to be a man.”

Chowder’s intense stare was back. For a long moment, Nursey thought Chowder was going to say something and pretended not to be watching him back. Whatever was on Chowder’s mind, Nursey didn’t think it was what he decided to say next.

“Dex has a lot more shit to deal with, but at least he knows who he is.” Chowder closed his eyes and sat improbably still.

“I dunno if I agree,” Nursey said. He placed his hand on Chowder’s knee. “White boy seems like a walking crises to me. Did you know he liked guys before the whole Jacob thing?”

Chowder shrugged. “Does it matter?”

Nursey paused, trying to organize his thoughts. “He made such a big deal about not being gay. It was just… weird. To hear that from another guy.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to be out,” Chowder pointed out. “He could have had a reason for not wanting us to know.”

“But we already knew he was queer! That wasn’t outing him.”

Chowder stared at Nursey, unimpressed. “Oh, we’d already found out he was trans. That makes it totally okay that you found out details about his sex life from some guy he went out with one time.”

Nursey withered. “I...didn’t think about that,” he said quietly. “Is he mad?”

“I don’t know! Dex and I don’t actually talk about his sex life,” Chowder said. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this, anyway? Aren’t you bi, too?”

“Pan, actually,” Nursey corrected.

“What’s the difference?” Chowder put the lid back on his tub of sand and set it down on the desk.

“Bi means two. Like, man and woman.” Nursey drew a line through the air, hands on either end of the supposed binary. “I just… don’t care about gender.”

“I’ve also heard bi as ‘same and other,’” Chowder said.

“That’s almost worse!” Nursey said. “Like. When I like a guy I don’t go ‘yeah, this person is the same gender as me and I’m into this kinship we both clearly have over gender.’ I mean, look at me Chowder. Just because I’m the same gender as… like, Dex, or Shitty or Jack, doesn’t make us ‘same’ any more than me and Lardo.” Nursey’s hands moved wildly through the air, and Chowder smiled.

“I mean… I guess gender is pretty individual,” he said. “But also, Nursey, not to push, but…” he trailed off.

“What?” Nursey asked, trying not to feel self-conscious.

“Have you ever thought you might be nonbinary?” Chowder looked curiously at Nursey, who couldn’t help the nervous laughter bubbling through his chest.

“No? I mean, I know I’m not great at performing masculinity, but that doesn’t mean I feel like I’m not a man.” Nursey felt he was doing a poor job of explaining, but he couldn’t find the words he needed. Luckily, Chowder didn’t question him further and seemed to take his answer at face value.

“Okay,” he accepted. “Where do you keep the glitter?” The subject change was far from seamless, but both frogs fell onto the same page in their eagerness to put Chowder’s question behind them.

“Oh, it’s uh. Not here. Do you want me to run to my room?”

“Nah,” Chowder pushed himself from the bed. “Mine’s in the closet. Hang on.” He disappeared into the pile of food and clothes for a moment before emerging with a 10oz container of silvery-white glitter. “Are you ready, Nursey?”

“Ready for- ah!” Nursey raised his arms in laughing defense as Chowder enthusiastically shook glitter out onto his friend and the bedspread. “You’re supposed to be glittering yourself,” Nursey insisted.

“I am!” Chowder laughed as he upended to container on himself. “Don’t worry, I have enough for us both.”

“Why d’you think I’m worried?” Nursey teased happily. Chowder danced around in his own bedroom under a glitter shower before freezing suddenly. He turned to Nursey with comically wide eyes.

“Frog roadtrip!” he exclaimed. “C’mon, we’re moving out in like… two weeks. Last chance to go out before everyone’s freaking out about finals!”

“I think Poindexter’s already freaking out,” Nursey said snidely.

“We won’t know unless we ask!” Chowder grabbed Nursey’s arm, glitter still tucked under his arm, and hauled his friend to the door. “Let’s see if he’s free.”

“Checking on Poindexter, my favorite activity,” Nursey groused, but he came along willingly, smiling as they went.

“You two are gonna be friends by the time Jack and Shitty graduate,” Chowder promised.
- - -

[Dex, 8:37p: I cannot believe you two. i'm gonna have glitter in my bed forever now
Nursey, 8:43p: It's only your bed for two more weeks
Dex, 8:39p: It's in my sheets!
>-<((( ('ww'), 8:41p: :DDDDD
Dex, 8:42p: It still needs more teeth
>--<((<((( ('www'), 8:45p: better?
Nursey, 8:47p: I cant believe u 2 are doin ascii shit instead of just using emojis
>--<((<((( ('www'), 8:48p: the dolphin emoji is not a shark nursey!!!!!!!
Dex, 8:49p: yeah nurse how could you betray him like this
Nursey, 8:49p: Watch ur mouth or i'll bring more glitter
Dex, 8:50p: At this point i doubt more will make a difference
Dex, 8:52p: Anyway I have work in the morning so goodnight guys
>--<((<((( ('www'), 8:54p: Goodnight Dex!!!
Nursey, 8:57p: Sleep tight, Poindexter]