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"Of course I'm not okay." He sighed, shrugging his sister's hands off of his shoulders and going back to sit on the bed which he had hardly left over the past couple of weeks.
"Then talk to me, please.. I don't understand what happened." His sister is frustrated, he can tell, and annoyed at him for not opening up. Alec isn't sure if Izzy is simply curious or genuinly worried about him.
"I'm an idiot, now will you just leave it alone?" He asked harshly, the lack of energy taking away from the seriousness in his voice. He is far too tired for this, far too tired for anything anymore.
"No I most certainly will not." His sister huffed at him, a light frown on her face as she strode over and sat opposit him on the bed. His sister was always graceful and it baffled him that she could look so devine even just sitting crosslegged on his bed. "Why are you an idiot?" She asked when she had gotten comfortable and Alec felt a sudden pang of sadness wash over him. The reason he didn't like talking or opening up to anyone is because he hated crying, hated being weak infront of anyone. Memories of Magnus flashed through his mind and the burning lump in his throat had returned again.
"I made a mistake." He sighed, his voice basically a whisper to avoid letting on that he was biting back tears and struggling to keep it together. He saw it right away, the way his sister's eyes softened and her dark brown eyes looked at him with sorrow instead of stubborness.
"I'm not dad, okay? You can talk to me." She told him in a whisper and he nodded slowly, not caring that a tear escaped his eye. She was right, it was just Izzy and he could talk to her.
"I was so scared of losing him.. I messed it all up." He told his sister, his voice breaking in the last few words. He took comfort in her hands taking both of his as more tears fell. He could tell she wanted to ask a million questions but she kept quiet, waiting for him to tell her instead.
"I talked to Camille.. Asked her if there was a way for me to become immortal without becoming a vampire. There isn't.. but she told me there was a way to make Magnus mortal." The words were painful leaving his mouth and more tears fell. He had been such an idiot, so blind from jealousy and posessiveness that he had considered the unforgivable. Izzy tilted her head lightly and sighed sadly.
"Oh Alec.. you didn't.." She practically cooed and that was enough for the older shadowhunter to break into tears. Izzy didn't waste a second before pulling him closer into a warm embrace, rubbing her brother's back slowly.
"I don't know what I was thinking.. I wasn't thinking. She made it sound like no big deal and he would never know it was my doing.. But of course he would because it's Magnus and he knew and I'm such an idiot." Alec never cried, never broke.. never let anyone see him hurt; but this was different and they both knew it as Izzy just held him close and let him break for the first time in years. Magnus had grabbed his heart and changed his life in so many ways and now when it was over.. Alec could hardly breathe without the warlock.
"Alex.. why didn't you talk to me.. or at least someone?" She whispered sadly as they pulled back, Alec's eyes were burning and he guessed they were red and swollen already. He wasn't sure Izzy had ever seen him cry, not even when Max died, Alec had always taken the role of the strong, supportive one whenever tragedy hit.. It felt good to be the one breaking for once.
"I thought I had it under control.. That I knew what I was doing. Now it's like.. it's like I can see clearly again and I am so horrified by what I was going to do." Alec ran a hand through his messy hair, only then realizing he was shaking violently and tears still falling from his eyes. He had this stone in his chest that made it hard to breathe, a sadness pressing down on his shoulders that he couldn't shake off.
"Camille almost took his life away and now.. now he never wants to see me again." He cried, shaking violently and gasping for air, making his sister pull him into her arms again. He must be scaring her terribly but he couldn't stop now.. he couldn't get himself to stop now, the sorrow was too powerful.
They stayed on the bed for a long time, Isabelle holding her sobbing brother and Alec gripping his sister with all his might, holding her as if she was the only thing keeping him together.. maybe she was.
"It's okay, Alec.. It's okay. He'll come around, you'll see. Magnus loves you so much and sure, he's hurt right now but.. He won't be able to stay away.. you'll see." Her soft, whispered words were mildly comforting to him but he knew she was wrong.. Magnus would not come around. What Alec did was unforgivable and now he had lost the love of his life.. forever.
"He won't come back.. I lost him." He whispered, his voice rough and bitter as he pulled away from his sister. His blue eyes had turned distant and his face was slack as he rubbed the tears away with his sleeve and stood up from the bed. "I screwed up badly and this is what I deserve." He spoke steadily, squaring his jaw and doing what he always did; swallowing down the pain and focusing his energy on more important matters than moping around.
"You were always right, weren't you? Hearts are breakable and needs to be shielded.. locked away and never used." He spoke, his voice almost sounding dead, even to his own ears and he sighed softly, tensing up his shoulders and shrugging his jacket back on.
"Alec.. no, I was wrong.. You need to let someone in." His sister jumped off the bed and walked over to him, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to turn and look at her. "Being alone is worse than being heartbroken." She told him sadly and they stood there for a while, their eyes locked in a silent conversation until Alec shrugged her off and picked up his bow and quiver from the chest in his room.
"I have you and Jace.. that was all I ever needed." He explained, the words true for the most part and he smiled weakly at Izzy before grabbing his seraph blade and heading towards the door of his room. "We need to leave, Iz. The sun is going down.. Broken heart or not, I need to be strong tonight. Come on.." He opened the door and Isabelle only hesitated for a second before following him out and meeting Jace downstairs before leaving the Institute. Tonight there was a war and no one would take it easy on Alec for being sad, tonight he needed to be strong and he had Izzy and Jace by his side.. His family.