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The world was too much for Isak today. It felt like someone looked at the dials for life and turned them all up to 1000%.
The colours are almost blinding, the noises near deafening, and worst of all the feeling of everything touching him is making him want to pull his own skin off.
He hadn’t felt too bad this morning. More than anything he had felt relieved that the mock exam he had been most worried about was over and that he’d recovered from all the Red Bull he’d drunk the day before.
But then the anxiety crept back in.
He had half a dozen more mocks to do as well as assignments to write and he and Even needed to look at their food budget and plan their next week’s meals and-
Nope, nope, nope.
He didn’t even pick up his rucksack as he made his swift exit from the table outside where he had been trying to eat with the boys. It’s such a nice day, we should eat outside, Mahdi had said and so that’s what they’d done and Isak couldn’t even manage that today.
His sandwich simultaneously felt like tar and drier than a cracker in his mouth. He spat it out into a bin as he made his retreat to the first quiet place he could think of.
He locked the toilet cubicle door behind himself and slumped down on the toilet seat, sucking in ragged breath after ragged breath trying to get his shit together. He could feel his hands trembling as he unbuttoned his over shirt and tugged it off.
He buried his face in it, effectively blocking out all the light. Plunging himself into darkness immediately felt like it took half the pressure off his lungs.
Thankfully, no one else was in these particular toilets so the only noise touching Isak’s ears was the muffled sounds from other parts of the school that travelled through the vents. It was almost like being underwater.
So much better than being outside, where everything was so loud that Isak felt like each individual sound rattled his teeth and vibrated violently through his bones.
Slowly, Isak felt himself start to calm down.
He kept the material of his shirt tightly over his face, slowly breathing in and out the familiar smell of the detergent Even liked to use, and rested his forehead on the cool tiles of the bathroom wall.
His skin felt about a hundred degrees. He was only wearing his jeans and his vest now, but all Isak could think about was shucking his jeans off to free himself from the fabric that felt too confining and too much against his hypersensitive nerves.
“Isak?” He could feel the reverberation from Even’s voice in the wall. It was oddly comforting.
“In here.” Isak mumbled. He wasn’t sure if his voice carried through the shirt he was still buried in, but he was too tired to care.
“Can I come in?” Even’s voice was closer now, but Isak didn’t want to uncover his eyes yet. He wasn’t ready to be bombarded with the overwhelming visual stimulus that was his Adonis of a boyfriend. It felt like too much effort to even talk, so Isak just stuck his hand out and blindly groped at the cubicle door until he found the lock and slid it open.
He felt like such a twat. He was huddled up alone in a toilet with his face hidden in his plaid shirt and his heart hammering almost painfully in his chest.
All because his stupid brain had been turned up to 1000%.
“Can I touch you, Issy?” It sounded like Even was kneeling in front of him, which Isak thought was a terrible idea in the school toilets. He shook his head minutely, guessing Even was watching him, and pressed the shirt harder against his closed eyes in embarrassment.
“It’s okay, Is, it’s okay.” Even murmured, and the slow and low sound of his voice helped calm Isak’s racing heart. “It’s okay for it to get too much, sometimes. No one’s judging you.” Even promised. Isak knew the words were meant to be comforting, but they just made his heart hurt even more.
“It’s stupid, Ev.” Isak muttered into his shirt. “It’s stupid that you have to whisper in here. It’s stupid that being in my jeans right now is killing me. It’s stupid that I don’t want to take this stupid shirt away from my eyes because I can’t-”
“Isak.” Even’s voice was so firm that Isak’s voice died in his throat midsentence. “It’s okay that you get sensitive sometimes. I know it must suck, but no one’s judging you for it. We’re here for you, baby. You just need to say the word and we’ll do whatever you need us to.” Even seemed to hesitate at that.
“What do you need from me right now, Is?” Even asked gently. Isak wished he could ask Even to just wrap him up in a hug and kiss his forehead and turn his brain down, but he knew if Even hugged him when he felt like this that it would feel like being in a vice and those familiar chapped lips would feel like sandpaper against his skin.
“I- I want to go home.” Isak stuttered. He had three more lessons after lunch ended, but he couldn’t do it. He needed to go lie somewhere quiet. Somewhere safe. Somewhere that wasn’t going to stimulate the fuck out of his sensitive brain and have his heart racing like a hummingbird having a heart attack.
Somewhere like their bland white flat.
“I’ll take you home then, angel.” Isak could hear Even standing up.
“That sounds like a bad pick up line.” Isak tried to joke, getting a quiet chuckle from Even.
“Like I need to use a pick up line on you to get you home anymore!” Even teased. Isak just rolled his eyes behind his closed lids. He took a deep breath and lowered his shirt, his eyes still squeezed tightly shut as he shrugged the shirt back on. He opened his eyes slowly, and was relieved to find that things didn’t feel as grotesquely bright as they had before.
Even was stood a few inches in front of him, a sympathetic smile on his lips and Isak’s rucksack slung over one shoulder and his own balanced on the other.
“You want my sunglasses to go home with?” He offered.
Isak didn’t think he’d ever been as in love as he was right there and then stood in a toilet cubicle.
“Please.” He nodded. Even took the sunglasses from their perch on top of his head and slid them onto Isak’s nose easily and Isak pretended to strike a pose, pouting up at Even.
“Very stylish.” Even laughed, backing out of the cubicle so Isak could get out.
“I’m the most stylish.” Isak nodded, as if it wasn’t clear as day that between the two of them Even was the one who looked like he walked straight off the catwalk.
They stood next together, so close their arms were almost touching, looking at the bathroom door.
“You ready?” Even asked and Isak took a deep breath, ready to face the onslaught.
“No. But the sooner we go the sooner we get home.” Isak was learning, slowly, to be honest about how he was feeling and he was pleased to say that it wasn’t as terrifying as he had always thought it would be.
Even nodded, knowing that feeling of the sooner the better all too well, and he and Isak walked out of the toilets together. Even weaved his way through the crowds of students moving to their next class so that he cleared a path for Isak, allowing Isak to walk behind Even and not be jostled by passing students.
Isak was incredibly grateful for that.
Once they made it outside the noise died down a lot, which helped ease the frantic pace Isak’s heart was beating out. They walked to the tram stop without saying anything, content to walk side by side in the early summer sun (although Isak would have much preferred a cloudy day today).
Thankfully they didn’t have to wait too long for a tram, and they were home within the hour. While Isak frantically tore his clothes off, Even closed their blinds and pulled the duvet up the bed so Isak had something to lie on.
In other circumstances Even might have laughed at the trail of Isak’s clothes leading from the front door to their bed, but the sight of Isak curled up exhausted on the middle of their bed in nothing but his boxers and his face mashed into the mattress was too sad to warrant any humour.
“You got a headache, baby?” Even murmured and Isak nodded silently. Even went into the kitchen and got Isak some painkillers and some water and made him sit up to take the pills. Isak flopped back down almost immediately and curled up on his side.
Even couldn’t help but notice that the backs of Isak’s knees were both scratched red from where he’d been itching at the offending fabric. Fabric that usually didn’t cause him any strife, seeing as Isak was careful about what clothes he bought.
Even wished so badly that he could do more when Isak felt overwhelmed. He wished there was a way to turn down his boyfriend’s anxiety, seeing as that was almost always what triggered his hypersensitive episodes. He wished that Isak wasn’t the sort of student who worked themselves to death to maintain their grades.
He wished a lot, if he was honest. Mostly he wished that he could make everything better.
“Get some sleep, Issy, you might feel better afterwards.” It was killing him not to be able to touch Isak when he looked so desperately lonely, but he’d never do anything that would cause Isak pain. He had made that mistake once, of trying to touch Isak when he was feeling like this, and the way Isak had shuddered and yanked himself away was seared into Even’s memory.
“Wish you could sleep here with me.” Isak mumbled, looking at Even through half closed eyes.
“Later.” Even promised, watching the exhaustion slowly take Isak over. “Later, I’ll cuddle you like you’ve never been cuddled.”
At that, Isak smiled.
“My boyfriend, the master cuddler.” His words slurred a little with sleep, but they warmed Even’s heart.
“You just wait.” Even nodded, watching as Isak’s eyes fluttered closed. “Sleep tight, baby.” He wanted to badly to kiss Isak’s forehead, but he refrained.
There would be plenty of time to smother the love of his life with kisses and soft touches after he no longer felt like the world had been set to maximum volume.
It wasn’t the end of the world.
After all, Even would wait an eternity for Isak.