Archive of Our Own ^beta

There was something about summer in Shady Creek that Bram loved. This was only his third one, but the way the sun touched his skin and the grass felt under his bare feet made Bram fall in love with it more every year.

The sun was directly above them in the sky and there wasn’t a single cloud around to hide them from it. Bram wiped his t-shirt sleeve against his forehead. He dribbled the soccer ball sideways past Garrett and kicked it towards the makeshift goalposts set up in Garrett’s yard. The ball clanged against the post and launched into the net.

“Damn, Greenfeld,” Garrett said, staring towards the goal. “You leave me here for two weeks and suddenly you’re captain of the team next year.”

Bram laughed. “It was ten days, and they’d never have a captain that wasn’t a senior.”

He watched Garrett jog across the grass and retrieve the ball. Garrett was also barefoot, and Bram watched the way he rolled the ball backward to dribble it on his knees. He watched an easy smirk form as he balanced the ball on his knee.

Bram wondered what Garrett would say if he told him. If he opened his mouth with no segway and said those two little words.

I’m gay.

Bram knew exactly where thoughts of coming out came from. Seeing his step-mother’s side of the family had Bram reliving the awkward crush he had when he was younger, and in turn had him thinking about the gay thing. The Coming Out thing .

As if it wasn’t something he already thought about enough.

Garrett passed him the ball and Bram caught it under his foot. “You’d make captain before I would in a heartbeat,” Bram told him.

Garrett laughed. “Dunno, bro. Your grades are better. If Mr. Wise’s AP English class is as bad as all the upperclassmen say, I’m going to be studying from the bench all season.”

“You got in?” Bram asked excitedly.

Garrett grinned. “I just found out yesterday. I think I made it by like one percent.”

“Dude, that’s awesome,” Bram said, holding out his hand to fist-bump Garrett.

When Bram was ready to come out, Garrett would probably be the first one he would tell. Since the moment Bram started at Creekwood High, Garrett had a way of dragging him out of his comfort zone and generally being a great best friend. For now, Bram was okay with the secret being just his. He itched to write his feelings down, but he couldn’t risk his mother accidently cleaning his room and finding his secret before he was ready to share it. Even if he wrote it on his computer, there was a chance she would see it in his saved files.

Bram looked up and laughed when he saw Garrett on his phone.

“That’s why you’re losing right now,” Bram called to him.

Garrett grinned as he typed. “Eisner’s on his way over.”

“Cool,” Bram said, abandoning the ball. Garrett seemed like he was ready to take a break and Bram was right there with him. He pulled up the front of his t-shirt to fan himself. Garrett’s was on the ground near them, and he picked it up to wipe his own forehead, before pulling it back over his head.

“I think he’s bringing some friends,” Garrett added.

Not cool.

Bram knew exactly which friends Garrett meant. If his step-mother’s cousin was the reason Bram first realized he was gay, then Simon Spier was the final checkmark, confirmation stamp, seal of approval.

He looked down to the giant ring of sweat that stuck out horridly on his gray shirt.

That would impress Simon.

Bram followed Garrett around to the front of his house when they heard Nick’s car pull up. Sure enough, Bram’s stomach twisted in knots as Simon climbed out of the back seat. Their other friend Leah sat in the front.

The worst part was that Simon had no clue how adorable he was. He hid behind thick glasses and a sharp, cynical sense of humor, but Bram paid attention. Behind his glasses were some of the most amazing gray eyes Bram had ever seen, and behind his cynical attitude Bram knew Simon was a fiercely loyal friend.

Bram averted his eyes from Simon and looked to Nick.

“Hey, Greenfeld,” Nick said, fist-bumping him. “How was Savannah?”

Bram shrugged. “It was okay; I’m glad to be back.”

He had to look again.

Simon stood close to Leah and Bram could tell that they both felt uncomfortable. Bram wanted to say hi to him – they sat at the same lunch table, it wouldn’t be completely out of left field – but the ring around his neck definitely wasn’t dry yet, and Bram quickly felt his mind trapping himself.

He was used to this by now. Every time Bram was around Simon or any other cute boy, his brain decided to shut off. It was bad enough he had to spend nine months out of the year stuttering around Simon Spier; he shouldn’t have to in the summer too.

Not that seeing Simon when he wasn’t expecting to wasn’t also kind of awesome. His hair looked like it hadn’t seen a clippers all summer, and it hung over the edge of his glasses in a completely adorable way. His hands were in his pockets, and he tapped his thumbs against his shorts.

Simon looked up to him and, after a few moments of eye contact, gave Bram a polite smile. Bram tried to return it, and looked away when Nick and Garrett started towards the front door. Garrett led them towards his living room and grabbed one of the PlayStation controllers to turn the console on. Bram took the chair that was off to the side of the rest of them so there wouldn’t be a chance that Simon would sit down next to him and smell him. He pretended to look interested in what Garrett was doing while he watched Simon and Leah squeeze into one of the other chairs.

Maybe they were a thing, and that’s why they stuck so close together. Bram really, really didn’t have a chance.

“Have you played Until Dawn yet?” Garrett asked Nick. Nick shook his head and set Garrett off immediately into an elated ramble about how great it was. Leah even joined in and harassed Nick about it, to the surprise of Garrett.

“How many of them did you save?” Garrett asked her.

Leah smirked. “All of them.”

“No way,” Garrett said. “Even Matt?”

“You can’t –”

“Guys, spoilers,” Nick said, mashing a few buttons. Simon laughed at them and Bram looked down to laugh quietly to himself.

After getting Nick all ready, Garrett dropped onto the couch adjacent to Bram. When everyone else was watching the screen, Bram startled when Garrett leaned over and nudged him.

“You okay, bro?” Garrett asked quietly.

It was like Simon was the sun and Bram couldn’t help but look. He only gave himself a second to watch the way Simon’s bright eyes stared at the gameplay, and only one more to look at the way his fingers tapped nervously on his bare knee. Bram imagined what it would be like if he was in Leah’s spot; if he was sitting with his knee pressed against Simon’s or even holding Simon’s hand.

A wave of loneliness crested in his gut. He knew his thoughts would not be reciprocated.

Bram tore his eyes away and looked at Garrett. “I’m fine, yeah.”

“Wow, great job, Nick, you already killed two of them,” Simon said suddenly. Bram looked up to the screen and watched the animated deaths, before looking back to Simon.

Simon looked right back at him, smiling brightly and happily, just like the sun. Bram quickly looked away; he already felt like his crush was obvious, and he didn’t want to make Simon uncomfortable by staring.

“Hey, did you guys see what someone posted on The Tumblr today?” Leah asked. She had her phone in front of her and a small smirk played on her lips. In an overly-exaggerated southern accent, she read: “’Everyone knows you slept with Dan, Jessica, stop vague-posting on here. Todd doesn’t care.’” Leah grinned. “Brutal.”

“That page is so depressing,” Nick said, pausing the game.

“But so freaking addicting,” Simon added with a grin.

Nick rolled his eyes. “Anyone else want to play? Greenfeld?”

Bram darted his eyes away from Simon, not realizing he’d been staring again.

“I – I’m fine.” His voice cracked from not using it.

Nick offered the controller to Simon, to which he got sharp, startled laughter. “Unless you want your whole squad dead before dawn don’t ask me to do anything.”

Bram looked down to his hands and smiled again.

“Come on, Spier,” Garrett said, “give it a go.”

Bram looked at Simon and saw his smile falter. He had the urge to punch Garrett in the shoulder for being a douche; he knew Garrett thought he was being funny, but Bram could see that Simon was already uncomfortable.

Leah spoke before Bram could act. “Give it to me,” she said, leaning forward. “You missed like four clues in the tutorial.”

With Garrett’s focus back on the game, and now Leah, Bram looked to Simon again.

The word ‘crush’ was very appropriate terminology. It was like a constant weight rested on your chest and like you were drowning all at once. There was this small part of you that got to be all crazy happy when the cute boy looked across the room and noticed you smiling, but when you realize he’s just being nice, that weight comes back even worse.

And it was lonely. Bram knew he could probably count the number of out queer students at Creekwood High on one hand, and he wasn’t actually acquainted with any of them.

Bram looked back to Leah, an idea slowly forming.

Later that night in the sanctity of his own bedroom, Bram pulled up the creeksecrets Tumblr submission page. He worked for over an hour to put his feelings into words, typing and deleting until his post sounded okay.

He completely understood the vanity of something like this; the idea of calling into the void to find someone to relate to, without having to actually put yourself out there was really a perfect solution. And the idea that someone might relate to what he was thinking and reach back? That was pretty amazing too.

For either reason, Bram closed his eyes and - before he could over think and talk himself out of it - submitted his deepest personal thoughts into the void of their school’s gossip rag.

When he opened his eyes and saw his words out for the world to see, he exhaled slowly. Even if he didn’t get any likes or replies, at least his feelings weren’t just thoughts twisting in his own head anymore.

Bram scrolled idly through the Tumblr for a while, reading but not really absorbing the words on the screen. People complained about school starting back up, celebrated the start of football season, and quoted unrelated random bible phrases.

After finding nothing interesting about anyone he cared about, Bram scrolled back to the top of the page. He read over his post one more time before the bottom corner caught his eye.

1 note.

Someone already read his post.

Hands shaking, Bram clicked the note to see the detail.

Someone commented, just one word.

THIS.

While Bram stared at the four capital letters, another response to his post appeared.

[email protected]

It was a person. A real person with a real way to contact. Someone else that went to Creekwood High that wanted to talk to Bram about being gay.

Maybe he wasn’t so alone after all.