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Hajime wakes gently, that day. It's like one moment he's asleep (never deeply, never for long) and the next his eyes just slide open.
It's a thing that happens to him, not his choice.
These days it feels like nothing is.
He’s not sure how long he lies there, unmoving, staring at the ceiling and the one sliver of light that’s cutting across it, from where the blinds won’t close properly.
The light’s white, artificial. Street lamp, from outside.
It’s still dark, but his eyes are adjusted to it. Everything looks gray, like this.
Everything feels gray, too.
There’s a crack in the ceiling, by the lamp. Small, but there.
There’s movement beside him, and warmth.
Maybe not everything’s gray.
~
Tooru couldn't be gray even if he tried. He's radiant, full of color and life and drive.
His colors are dull to Hajime now, muted.
Everything is.
But at least they're still there.
Funny, how even when he hates everything, he can never hate Tooru.
Yeah, everything. Most of all himself.
He turns his head, just a little.
Tooru is facing him, features relaxed as he sleeps. Calm. It reminds Hajime of long ago, far away, when they'd huddle together under the covers of a bed that was growing too small, every touch electric, whether intentional (pinkies hooked together, foreheads touching, lips brushing hair) or accidental. It reminds him of watching Tooru rest - not on purpose, really, but somehow, for all his insomnia, whenever they were together Tooru was always the first to fall asleep, leaving Hajime to stare at his face in the dark and wonder what he'd be dreaming.
He still wonders that, sometimes - what's going on in your head?
It's still fear that brings on those thoughts, now. And doubt. Are you thinking about me, too became do you still love me? Are you sure it's not too heavy, this weight that comes with me?
How are you still here, relentlessly loyal, when the world is out there, waiting for you?
The world isn't waiting for Hajime.
~
He doesn’t know how much time passes before Tooru stirs, eyebrows drawing together as he opens his eyes.
Hajime blinks back at him - he's too slow to turn away, and what does it matter? Tooru already knows about the darkness Hajime carries. He knows about the weight, the pain, the fear. He knows that slow is the only thing Hajime can manage sometimes.
Most times.
“...hey,” Tooru whispers, and his eyes soften.
How is there so much love left in you? How do you give and give and give?
Hajime feels empty, then. Tooru deserves more than this.
“...hey.”
He must hear something in his voice, something Hajime isn't putting there on purpose, because something shifts in his expression. Subtle, sure, but Hajime is so close, of course he sees. He's always watching for these shifts, watching, waiting, dreading.
Tooru is good at hiding when things are hard on him.
“...you're worried,” Hajime whispers. He kind of sounds like he's about to cry.
Tooru doesn't answer right away. He inches closer, question in his eyes, is this okay?
Hajime is too tired to push him away. He doesn’t know if he wants to. He doesn't know anything, really, except that it's gray and Tooru, Tooru deserves-
Maybe he's crying already, because Tooru's eyes go even softer, and the next thing Hajime knows, he's got Tooru's arms around him.
“Hajime,” he says, and he sounds so wrong then, so soft and gentle and caring, Oh, love, I’m here, what’s wrong-
There’s nothing Hajime can say. There’s nothing wrong. Everything. It makes no sense and Tooru deserves-
“I’ve got you,” Tooru says, and Hajime is helpless but to bury his face in Tooru’s shoulder, bring his arms up around him and hold on.
Let go, let go, let him go-
“It’s okay,” Tooru whispers, even though he knows nothing is. Hajime can’t even shake his head- He bites his lip until he draws blood, refusing to let out the sobs in his throat, the pain in his heart.
He bleeds sadness everywhere, washes it out with his tears, and there always seems to be more behind it. And Tooru is always there to catch him, this stupid, brilliant, beautiful person that somehow won’t leave, no matter how bad it gets.
Sometimes Hajime wishes he would.
He wishes it now, even though his arms are the only thing that feels real, his voice is the only thing that brings solace.
“Why,” Hajime manages, before his throat clamps up. He doesn’t know where he’s going; why are you still here, why won’t you give up on me, let me go, let me go, it’s better this way, you can go-
“Because we’re still here,” Tooru says, like that answers all questions Hajime could possibly have wanted to ask, steady and sure.
“But why,” Hajime chokes, and it’s boiling over, spilling out, “why are you so... h-how can you believe in me w-when I’m so br- so broken-”
He feels Tooru take a breath, feels him rise against his own chest, feels the determination in his grip and the fire in his veins, always burning, always fueled and sure, constant, warm-
“Because I love you, Hajime.” Hajime hears you’re not broken in his tone, but he’s glad he didn’t say it, because Tooru knows it’s a lie. He’s shattered, and every time he picks himself up it feels like he’s losing some of the parts that make him whole. Brittle, shaky, fragile.
That won’t fix me.
“I know I can’t cure you,” Tooru whispers. “But I made a promise, remember? I’m always, always, always here.”
Hajime struggles against his grip, finding strength in indignation, “I’ve broken- I’ve broken every promise, Tooru, yours don’t bind you-”
Tooru cuts him off with a kiss, brief and unexpected - Hajime’s lips burn when he pulls back, ignited, too sharp, too real.
“I’m not here for promises,” Tooru says, and his gaze pierces right through Hajime’s pathetic walls, right into his core. “You. Only you. I know you. I can’t fix anything, but I’m here and I won’t leave.”
Hajime lets out a frustrated sound, then, and tries to push him away, “you should, you should go, where I can’t drag you down-”
Tooru makes a noise that's almost a laugh, so unexpected and out of place that it kind of throws everything off-balance. Hajime loses every train of thought in that second, blank, terrified-
“That's not how it works,” he says. “Hajime - nothing has changed. You're still you, and I'm still me. I still love every piece of you, even if you can't see it right now.”
He shifts, moves closer, and Hajime doesn't have it in him to push anymore. It’s coming back; you deserve better, better, better-
“And I'll be here, and fight with you. I don't need a reason beyond that.”
Hajime feels fresh tears on his face now, frustrated ones. “You’re so stubborn and s-stupid, you-”
Tooru laughs again, humorless and brief. “I am. But that's okay, you always knew that. Doesn't change that I'm always gonna be happiest with you. And I'll be here to give you anything I can.”
Happiest with you.
God, it's so stupid, so incredibly, unbelievably, inconceivably stupid-
Hajime doesn't realize he's sobbing until Tooru's pulled him to his chest again, doesn’t feel his shoulders shake and his throat go raw from choking out broken sounds until it's already happened.
It's like he's looking at himself from the outside, at how pathetically he's clinging to Tooru, the only thing that feels real, even here, in this place they've made their home.
It takes him a while to place what he's feeling; he's always feeling everything at once or nothing at all, it's feeling, no name to it, not until he's cried and cried and cried, not until there's nothing left to give and he's drained and the sun hasn't even come up yet but he's already so tired, he just wants to lock the door and hold Tooru close and melt into him and never let him go - and it's so strong then, overwhelming, everywhere, the love and the gratitude and the mind-numbing relief-
And through everything, Tooru.
His arms, strong and sure and holding him, holding him, his lips pressed to Hajime’s forehead, murmuring words Hajime can’t hear over the roaring in his ears, and his heart that’s hammering in his throat, and his breaths that sound too loud to be quite right-
Unconditional, that’s what this feels like.
Hajime doesn’t deserve-
“I’ll love you even when you can’t,” Tooru whispers, “that’s what I’m here for. You’re most important, and that means all of you. Even- even the heavy things that are harder to overcome.”
This time Hajime is the one to let out a bitter laugh. “There’s no overcoming- ”
“I know,” Tooru says, and something in his tone makes Hajime pause. Do you?
“I know,” he repeats. “I know, but- as stupid as it sounds, there’s going to be better days. We can make this better. And I’ll fight for that. As long as I have to.”
“Why,” Hajime asks again, it slips out before better judgement, because what is Tooru supposed to say to that?
Tooru runs his hands over Hajime’s back, and Hajime already feels himself exhaling in a long sigh - everything’s grey, but Tooru has color. Tooru is real.
He can’t see the color, but he knows it’s there.
“Because I’ve been gone on you since day one,” Tooru whispers. “Because you’d do all that and more if it was me - and I know, because you have.”
“You don’t owe me-”
“I know.”
And he argues, even though he’s got nothing left, because Tooru is being stupid-
“Tooru - Tooru, there’s s-so much out there for you, so many opportunities, so why-”
“You,” Tooru says simply. “You’re not stopping me from living my dreams, Hajime. You’re part of them.”
“But-”
“Enough,” Tooru says. Enough.
It makes no sense. Hajime knows Tooru isn’t stupid, and he knows he’s not unaffected by all of this, he knows how difficult he is and how heavy the burdens he’s made them both carry, and yet-
“Stop,” Tooru says, like he can hear Hajime’s brain whirring out of control.
“...I can’t,” Hajime whispers, and even to his own ears he sounds terrified.
Tooru watches him, brushing up with one of his hands until he’s passed Hajime’s shoulder and can cup his jaw. His fingers feel so certain, Hajime doesn’t know what to do with himself, he’s lost, lost-
“I won’t stop, either,” Tooru says. “No matter what you say. I won’t leave you behind.”
And it’s those words, more than anything, that stick. It’s those words that Hajime can believe, when everything else feels like smoke and mirrors.
Can you see me? Can you hear me?
“Oh,” he says, barely aware the sound passes his lips. He’s got no more tears, though he feels the pressure, like he wants to cry but can’t.
Tooru smiles. Warm. “...think you can get up today?”
I won’t leave you behind.
It’s somehow stronger than “forever.”
It’s a choice.
“I’ll try.”