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Sometimes, there comes a point where you're lost and you have no idea what to do. You know life keeps going and everyday is passing by so quickly, but to what means. When the void that is your life feels endless and it feels like the cycle has no out, what do you look towards? Every day is a new day, a relatively similar routine with each rising sun, but it is moving, it's all going forward, your friends, your family, your world, but not you.
You're stuck in every sense of the word. Stuck in your past, your memories, your pain. Stuck in your future, your hope, your disdain. So what do you do when you're stuck? When your thoughts go on and on and on and every one of them seems pointless, what do you do then?
That's what Kara is trying to figure out as her thoughts drone on, floating in the sky where the stars look brighter and the void ahead matches the void within. She doesn't know how she gets out of this, how she moves forward, but she knows she wants to, she knows she needs to and for now that's enough. For now, she doesn't need to know where she's headed just that there is someplace else she needs to get to and eventually she will find a way to get there.
That's the small flame that has not yet been extinguished, burning through every storm that's come her way. The flame that was injected into her very bones by all that she's lost. It's barely there, but it is there, insignificant yet just bright enough to be felt. That flame burns inside Kara fueling her with purpose. For now, she's okay and maybe one day she can have more than just feeling okay. Maybe one day something more will come her way and maybe this time it'll stay.
Isn't that the issue? Having something more that won't ever go away. Something so permanent, so fully present and so fully encompassing, that its affect can never fade. A comforting permanence that just always is. That's what Kara craves, to find that in someone. To feel whole again, to drag herself from the emptiness she's slowly drowned in with every partnership friendship, relationship. Relationships that's either left a more vast, gaping hole with existence or relationships that were unwillingly torn from the tendrils of her heart.
How can Kara pour these thoughts out onto anyone? She knows if she needs Alex, she'd be there, she'd bear the burden, she'd sacrifice her relationship with Maggie, she'd go past the ends if the Earth for Kara, but she deserves better. Alex has suffered, she's sacrificed, she doesn't need to anymore. No, Kara wouldn't add anymore weight to Alex's shoulders. That was out of the question and so she kept up her smile and pretended her insides didn't tear her apart day by day. Pretended that her thoughts didn't run endlessly until exhaustion became an understatement, pretended her heart didn't feel poisoned and vacant with a violent heartbeat that felt so insignificant and silent, pretended she still had a joy within that matches the superficial smiles that she's learned to perfect. Pretended she saw purpose in everything that has become routine.
Kara pretended, pretended, pretended. She was tired of pretending, yet she couldn't stop. She was the hero, she does the helping, she solves problems, she doesn't create them. She won't let her emotions explode and cause a mess for someone else to clean up, not this time. Not when everyone was so happy. So content with the quiet nature of National City where impending doom was not yet knocking on the door. This break from insanity and evil plans is always short-lived , so Kara can't afford to ruin it for her friends. For James and for Winn who are working together and trying to do something great, for Alex who has finally found herself and found Maggie showing a sort of lighthearted joy Kara has never seen from her, for J'onn who carries his own burdens and has finally found a person to share it with in M'gann.
They are all somewhere, somewhere they have found that they belong and someone who they belong with. Kara won't spoil that, not when it's as simple as her feelings and she can go on.
That's why she finds herself in front of CatCo again, ready to face the day. She walks in to hear Snapper snap as he does, some sort of insulting, constructive criticism at his tongue. She walks in to bustling reporters and breaking news and takes the yellow folder that holds her assigned articles, making her way to her desk. A puff piece here and there, even her job as a reporter has started to feel mundane and her sheer disinterest in everything that surrounds her leaves her feeling irritated. She finishes up her articles, writing all day, until the sun has set and it's time to call it a work day before her brain explodes. Just as Kara was placing her last items in her purse before walking off she hears her phone ring and sees a call coming in from Alex.
She quickly answers, placing the phone to her ear with a "Hi Alex"
"There's my baby sis, what're you up to? It's been days since we've talked, I mean, past the few words I get out of you at the DEO. What has you too busy for your precious sister?"
Kara feels the irony of such a question so sharply she wants to burst. Too busy? No, not Kara, but she'll play along. She has to.
She lets out a sigh, "oh, it's just work. Snapper assigned a few pieces to me last week and the deadlines are coming up back to back along with the new pieces he just handed me today. It's just a lot."
"Oh well, can't help you there, but having a lot of assignments is good right? Means he likes your writing, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, it is, it does, it's just stressful. At least the city has been pretty quiet outside the usual house fires and small time thugs."
"Yup, kind of makes me feel we're due for some horrible, evil mastermind to drag through and declare ownership of the Earth. It's been a while."
Kara laughs, "Yeah, don't jinx it Alex, I think I'm just fine with the quiet. Let's enjoy it while we can."
"No arguments there."
A comfortable pause hung in the air before Kara continued, "How's Maggie?"
"She's great! We're both happy and just everything is perfect right now. I've never been so excited to live my life and Maggie just gives me that excitement without having to do much of anything. I'm lucky to have her around."
Kara genuinely smiles as her sister speaks. She's so proud of Alex. Proud that she found who she was, was able to accept it, and was brave enough to share it. She would give anything to keep seeing Alex this happy, seeing her sister finally fall into her place and have the puzzle pieces of her life coming together to form a beautiful picture, was all Kara wanted to see. It's all she needed to see to know pretending is worth it.
She replies to Alex, with amusement in her voice " And she's very lucky to have you. I'm so happy for the both of you."
"Thank you, Kara, I really do miss you, you know you're welcome to come by at any time? We'd live to have Supergirl grace us with her presence. " Alex says the last sentence with a joking tone and a chuckle.
Kara waves her hand through the air dismissively, "Yeah, yeah, I know, we'll plan for something soon, maybe a game night with Winn and James too. I'll let you know."
"Okay, sounds good, I love you Kara." Alex admits, feeling as though Kara needed to hear it.
"Love you too Alex, say goodnight to Maggie for me."
"Will do, goodnight." With that, the phone call ends and Kara is already almost home, choosing to walk and waste time before she has to dive into another sleepless night of restlessness.
She makes her way to her apartment and realizes it's already past nine o'clock, wondering where the day had gone. She had woken up at five and felt exhausted now, but knew sleep wouldn't come. Kara changed into comfy pajamas and got ready for bed before heading to the couch to watch TV, hoping it would help her nod off. She turned on the Nature channel, loving the different types of animals that she always learned random facts about.
Not five minutes into watching TV Kara's phone let out a buzz and chime, signaling a text. She expected a text from Alex asking about the vague plans Kara suggested for a get together, but is surprised to find a message from none other than Lena Luthor.