Work Text:
Jeremy had three things on his mind.
One, the conversation he just had with Rich. Rich, who somehow noticed how Jeremy was struggling. Rich, who had pulled him out of the hall and he took Jeremy outside where they sat on the bleachers for awhile. They really didn’t talk all that much, but it made Jeremy feel much less alone.
Two, the conversation he was about to have with Michael. Rich told him to open up to Michael and Jeremy was hesitant. It would really hurt if Michael blew him off again, like he did the last time Jeremy tried to talk to Michael about the SQUIP. Jeremy could already feel an arrow twisting in his stomach as he thought about meeting with Michael.
Which leads to the third thing on Jeremy’s mind. A small slip of paper that he had written a few notes on, then folded several times and shoved into a pocket of his jeans. It was a huge weight in his pocket, pulling him down. Every time he thought about it, a stone dropped through his heart and landed in his right-hand jean pocket.
There were three things written on this note. All of them were things he needed to remember to bring up with Michael, each one separate yet intertwined with all of the others. He knew he wasn’t articulate enough to properly explain any of it, so he was left with the hope that Michael would know him well enough to understand.
I still hear the SQUIP
This one was the simplest, and would probably be the easiest to explain. Jeremy had this note written with clear, concise, print handwriting. Jeremy’s mind had formed some image of the SQUIP that was somehow less helpful, yet more powerful. This version of the SQUIP was more destructive, and able to crush Jeremy with only a few words.
There was no help with math homework, no tips on how to be cool. Instead, he had the voice of a computer in his head that only existed to tell him everything he was doing wrong. Even though Jeremy was sure it wasn’t a real SQUIP, it still managed to convince Jeremy that telling Michael what was really going on would only damage their friendship.
You ignored me.
This one was underlined once and was a little sloppier. This was really the reason Jeremy was never able to fight back against the points his SQUIP brought up about Michael. How Michael would never really want to hear it, and how their friendship was never about emotional over-dramaticism.
At least that’s what the SQUIP said when Jeremy tried to tell Michael what was happening to him, only to be interrupted by Michael shoving a video game controller into his hand.
I ignored you.
This was underlined several times and circled in red ink. The words themselves bled with guilt and smudged along the paper.
Jeremy couldn’t get past the fact that, in his exploits to become popular, he had left his best friend in the dust. Stomped over him, in fact. And he could blame it on the SQUIP all he wanted, but the truth was that on the night of the Halloween party, Jeremy blew off Michael without the influence of any supercomputer in his head.
He had to live with it, but at least he could apologize properly, right? Especially since Jeremy had been avoiding Michael and his questions lately.
He wasn’t able to articulate any of this properly, but at least the note in his pocket would make sure he wouldn’t forget to mention anything.
And if he was being perfectly honest, the note was a sort of crutch. It was a crutch he needed so he wouldn’t start listening to the SQUIP, or whatever that voice in his head was. It couldn’t be the actual SQUIP, but some sort of aftershock or ghost. At least with a note, Jeremy could remember what he wanted to say without the influence of the SQUIP.
That was the plan, anyway, as Jeremy walked into the coffee shop where he was supposed to meet Michael. His fingers gripped the note in his pocket as he swept the room for Michael’s familiar hair and backpack.
Michael was already there, sitting at a small table in the corner. There were two cups already on the table. Jeremy walked over.
“Hey,” he said.
Michael looked up from his phone. “Hey, yourself.”
Jeremy sat down. He gestured to the coffee nearest him. “That for me?”
“Yeah.” Michael sighed. “Why’d you want to meet here? I can think of a million cooler things we could be doing,” he said, slouching back into the cafe chair.
Jeremy pulled the note he’d been gripping tightly out of his pocket. He unfurled and unfolded it, then pressed it flat on the table, careful not to let any of his writing show. “Because I— I…” Jeremy gestured helplessly, “I have a list,” he said, as if that clarified anything.
“Confusing and vague,” said the voice from the back of his head. “You sure you don’t need my help?”
Michael gave Jeremy a look of concern. “A list? Of what?”
Jeremy felt his shoulders relax. “A list! A list of things I needed to tell you.”
Michael sat forward in his chair. “Well, start at number one, then.”
Jeremy nodded, keeping his head down as he looked back at his list. “Right, number one. Uh…” he trailed off, staring at his own handwriting.
It seemed out of order, now. The list he had wrote to keep his thoughts organized, it didn’t quite seem right. He couldn’t really explain that he was still hearing the SQUIP without first bringing up that night Michael seemingly ignored Jeremy.
“Quit while you’re ahead, Jeremy. Michael won’t want to see you after you tell him the truth. And honestly, I can’t blame him.”
Jeremy shook the SQUIP’s voice from his head and looked back at Michael. “Okay, first of all, this stuff I tried to tell you before, but it didn’t work.”
“What do you mean? I want you to tell me things.”
“Not always.” Jeremy took a shaky breath. “I, uh, I tried to tell you this once before but all you wanted to do was play video games.” Jeremy folded his note into a tiny square. “And that really sucked ass because I was trying to tell you about the second thing on my list but it was like you didn’t care.” Jeremy unfolded his note back into a flat sheet that he pressed to the table again.
Jeremy looked up to see that Michael had become strangely sobered.
“What?” Jeremy asked, suddenly defensive.
Michael raised his hands in mock surrender. “Nothing. It’s just that—” He sighed, and pushed up his glasses. “I didn’t know you wanted to talk about the school play.”
“Didn’t want to talk about the play? Why else would I—” Jeremy’s voice cracked. He coughed slightly. “Why else would I have brought it up?”
"I don’t know, honestly, I thought you needed a distraction.” Michael sighed. “I thought you were asking for a distraction. I never wanted you to shut me out.”
Jeremy was silent. He didn’t know what to think, much less say. He had spent the past week letting everything convince him that Michael didn’t want to hear about his problems, and now Michael was telling him that it was all a big misunderstanding?
“What’s number two?” Michael prompted.
Jeremy hesitated. He waited for the SQUIP to pipe up, to tell Jeremy off for opening up, but he heard nothing.
Michael waited patiently.
“I still hear the SQUIP,” Jeremy said. “He’s not really there, but I hear him telling me everything I’m doing wrong, and sometimes I see him out of the corner of my eye but when I look he’s gone, and—”
Michael drew in a sharp breath. Jeremy stopped talking.
“Well, that was a colossal failure. He’s got nothing to say to you.”
Jeremy broke eye contact with Michael. No, he told his SQUIP, he just needs a second to process.
“You tried to show him everything I’m trying to help you get rid of. Everything uncool. Of course he doesn’t want to say anything to you.”
“Jeremy?” Michael’s voice sounded timid. That was weird.
Jeremy looked up.
“Are you hearing him right now?”
Jeremy shuddered slightly. “I—yeah. Yeah, I’m hearing him.”
Michael gave him a small, reassuring smile. “Okay. Okay.”
“Okay,” Jeremy repeated. He felt lighter, as if there was no longer an anchor in the back of his mind.
“And the third thing?” Michael asked.
Jeremy lifted the note shakily. He handed it over to Michael. “See for yourself.”
“I ignored you,” Michael read. He looked up at Jeremy. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’ve been a terrible friend. It means that I didn’t have the SQUIP on that night of the Halloween party. It means I told the SQUIP to help me ignore you by blocking you from my field of vision,” the words were spilling out faster than Jeremy could stop them, “It means I walked all over you, and it means I have no idea why you still care about anything I have to say right now.”
Michael pulled back from the table. He pulled back from Jeremy. “Is that why you didn’t tell me that you hear the SQUIP?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Jeremy really needed to stop chickening out and just say what he meant. “I mean, it’s complicated and I don’t know how to explain it.”
A stillness stretched between them. Jeremy found himself exhaling and pushing his coffee forward. He felt sick.
“I’ll start.”
Jeremy looked up at Michael. “What?”
Michael was looking directly at Jeremy now. “I honestly didn’t know everything that was going on with you. I’m sorry for pushing you to tell me things you weren’t ready to tell me after I already blew you off when you tried to tell me.”
Michael was beginning to blur in Jeremy’s vision. Jeremy realized he was gripping himself tightly and forced himself to unclench his hands and lay them flat on top of his knees.
“...you’re still going through a lot, and I want you to know I’ll be your buddy through it—whether or not you want to tell me.”
A dam broke in Jeremy. His whole body shuddered and he collapsed in on himself. His hands were raised to his face and he felt hot tears roll down his cheeks and hit his fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out and Jeremy was powerless against the wave of emotion tearing through him. “I’m so—so sorry, god, you didn’t deserve the way I treated you and you still—”
Jeremy found himself glancing at Michael for half a second before he pulled his gaze away.
“God, this is embarrassing,” Jeremy said, frantically wiping away the tears and pushing himself out of his seat, “I should just—”
Michael rushed forward and Jeremy suddenly found himself enveloped in a warm embrace. He stood there, shocked, for a moment, and then he relaxed and collapsed into Michael’s shoulder. Somehow, he didn’t feel the eyes of the other customers in the coffee shop. All he felt were the warm arms wrapped tightly around him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into Michael’s hoody, “I’m so sorry for everything—”
Michael only held Jeremy closer, pressing his hand against Jeremy’s hair and stroking it gently. “I forgive you. It’s okay.”
Jeremy believed it. For the first time, Jeremy believed that everything would be okay. He and Michael would be okay. He would be okay at school. He would be okay at home. Maybe not now, but he would get there.
It’s okay.