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“Ari?”
“Yeah?”
“We need to talk.”
Cue panic filling his entire being. Usually he would just groan as he awaited a scolding from his parents. But this wasn’t his parents. This was Dante, his boyfriend, and his serious tone had Ari freaking out.
With his tail between his legs he walked up to Dante who was sitting on the bed.
Dante was observing him. “You look worried.”
“Do I?”
“Yes.” Dante smiled gently as Ari settled down in front of him. “I don’t bite, you know.”
“Maybe you don’t, but that tone you’re using certainly does.”
Dante frowned. “Did my tone scare you?”
Ari shook his head. “Can you just get to the point?”
“So touchy.”
“I’m freaking out here.”
“Okay, okay. I just thought we should talk about sex, s’all.”
“Sex?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Dante looked a little nervous now, though that was nothing compared to how Ari felt. “We’re a couple, right?”
“We are.”
“And we’re teenage boys, right?”
“Last time I checked.”
“Well, you’d think sex would be a bigger part of a teenage couple’s lives.”
Ari didn’t reply now.
“I just think we should talk about why it seems like you have zero interest in sex, s’all.”
Ari felt like he was drowning as another wave of panic hit him. It was kind of funny how you could drown just like that without even being close to water.
“Why does it matter?” Ari asked in order to win some time to gather his thoughts.
“I think it’s good to know where we stand on this, both as a couple and as two individuals.” Dante tilted his head at him. “Because if it’s not something that you want I want us to be able to talk about it and to come up with ways to deal with it. I’m not going to force you to have sex with me.”
Ari’s face was on fire. “That’s good to know.”
“Do you understand why I’m bringing this up?”
“Technically.”
“And?”
“And I don’t like it.”
“I know you don’t like talking about things like this. Trust me, I know. But it’s something we need to discuss.”
“Dante…” Ari trailed off, still not entirely sure what to even say let alone how to react.
“I’m not saying we should have a two hour long discussion,” Dante was quick to assure him. “But a ten minute one maybe? Just try to figure out what you want and what I want and what we should do about it.”
Ari covered his face with his hands. “Just give me a sec. I need to make my brain stop freaking out so that it can tell my heart to stop freaking out.”
Dante didn’t reply and Ari was grateful for that. He knew why Dante wanted to talk about this. He’d practically been expecting it to happen sooner or later, but it didn’t make it any easier. Rather than being surprised by the subject his mind had spent weeks building it up, and now that the conversation was happening he wasn’t sure which one of his worst case scenarios was about to come true.
God, why couldn’t he just be normal.
He met Dante’s eyes, and it all hit him like a tidal wave.
Ari didn’t wake up one day with the realization that he was different. It had crept up on him, gradually making its presence known, and by the time he was aware of things it was too late to try to remember when it had started. All he knew was that it was happening.
He’d been 15 the first time he’d been able to put a name to it, and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t hit up the library with the sole purpose of finding out what the fuck was going on with him. Stumbling over the word asexual had been life changing, and while he had still been feeling heavy he’d left the library with a different mindset. He wasn’t broken. Had never been broken. He would never be able to explain just how relieving that knowledge had been.
Now, with Dante looking at him with feigned indifference, Ari wasn’t sure that Dante would like his answer. It was no secret that Dante enjoyed the pleasure that things like that brought, and while Ari knew that asexuals could be into masturbation too it didn’t take a genius to figure out that Dante had wanted them to take it all a step further for ages now. In the midst of all his internal panic, he was grateful that Dante sought for his consent.
But lord was he terrified of what he was about to confess.
Avoiding Dante’s eyes, Ari adjusted his position so that he was sitting cross-legged. His heart was still beating too quickly, too hard, too loudly. It was a miracle he could even think.
“I don’t want to have sex with you.”
Okay, apparently he couldn’t think, or else he wouldn’t have said it all so bluntly. Hurt mixed with something like offence swept across Dante’s face, and while it was gone within a second Ari had seen it, and it had broken his frantic heart.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said quickly, desperately. “It’s not you. It’s everyone.”
Dante tilted his head, his calm, fake or not, helping Ari fight his own panic. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I don’t want to have sex. I’m not attracted to people like that.”
“So you’re asexual?”
Ari’s head had never snapped up so fast. “You know about asexuality?”
“Of course I do.”
“But no one knows about it.”
“I might’ve done some research when I realized that you didn’t seem into me like that,” Dante admitted. “Trust me when I say it was for selfish reasons, though. I wanted to see if there could be other reasons than you simply not liking me enough.”
“You know I like you.”
“I do, but I got insecure.”
Ari sort of comforting Dante was not how he’d imagined this scenario ending, but he reached for Dante’s hand anyway. “I haven’t made you think I don’t like you any other times, have I? Since we got together, I mean.”
“Nah. It was only that once, which freaked me out a bit.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, it’s not your fault you’re asexual. I’m just glad you’re aware of it. I read that asexual people usually think that they’re broken before realizing.”
“We do. Or well, I did.”
A sadness found Dante’s face now. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
“It’s fine now. I’m glad you’re taking this well.”
“I would have no right to take it any other way.”
“Not everyone would.”
They fell silent, but their hands were still clasped. Dante’s thumb was caressing Ari’s skin, and Ari’s heart finally calmed down. He knew the conversation wasn’t entirely over, because they needed to discuss boundaries and what not, but for now he was content in just looking at Dante, then looking at their hands, and then looking at Dante again, who was grinning slightly at his flickering gaze. Ari sent him a timid smile back which only grew when Dante leaned closer to rest their foreheads together.
“We should probably talk this through,” Ari mumbled, but Dante just shushed him.
“Later,” he replied, letting go of Ari’s hand to grip Ari’s knees to keep himself from falling forward in case Ari leaned back. “I think we’ve had enough serious conversations for now.”
Ari would never admit just how relieved those words made him, so he only put his own hands on Dante’s shoulders, letting his fingertips graze the tender skin of his neck.
Dante shivered. “That tickles.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Be careful, Ari. I’ve got your knees in my grip.”
A beat, a consideration, and Ari started wiggling his fingers just as Dante squeezed, both of them bursting out into ticklish laughter. Things were good for now.