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„That agony rune…it made me relive memories I spent centuries trying to forget.”
Magnus didn’t say much after that. Alec didn’t either. They just sat there, next to each other, each of them lost in their thoughts.
After a while, though, Alec tried again.
“Magnus, what happened at the Institute…I…I didn’t…”
Magnus cut him off with a slow wave of his hand. “It’s okay, Alexander. You didn’t know it was me.”
“But I should have. I should have believed you right away.”
Magnus’ silence was more than enough for an answer. Alec sighed and buried his head in his hands. He felt so stupid. He should have known, must have known that it had been Magnus all along. Especially after Magnus told him about their Tokyo trip – nobody knew what happened that night, they had agreed to not tell anyone about that hotel terrace and instead agreed on making it a place where they could go when things got too much at home. Alec had kept his word, and he was sure Magnus had. So, there was no possible way Valentine could have known those details.
None.
And yet, Alec had still hesitated. Put all the signs that it had been Magnus – the gestures, the soft tone is his voice, the way he’d called him Alexander, the fear in his eyes when Imogen had sentenced him to death, freaking everything - aside and let the Inquisitor tell him what to do. Had acted like the loyal puppet of the Clave he was supposed to be instead of spending a single second actually thinking, considering all the signs and how weird “Magnus” had acted earlier that day, and maybe put two and two together.
Looking back, Alec felt like punching himself into the face for being so stupid. He should have known the second “Magnus” had acted so strange on the phone, but he had ignored the signs.
And now the man he loved more than anything wouldn’t even look at him and it was his own fault.
“I can hear you blaming yourself from all the way over here. Stop.”
Alec’s head jerked up. He turned over to look at his boyfriend and was surprised to find Magnus looking back at him. His usually so soft brown eyes were incredibly hurt and sad, but still, he was looking at him. That was more than Alec had gotten for the past two hours since they’d said goodbye to Jace and Magnus had disappeared into his bedroom for a nap.
“I can’t”, Alec admitted in a strained tone. “It’s my fault she treated you like that. I should have stopped her.”
Magnus’ voice sounded incredibly tired when he answered. “You did what you had to. What all your training and experience in the field taught you to. You did not know it was me.”
“Yeah”, Alec grumbled, looking away from Magnus and starting to play with the hem of his sweater. “Except you told me it was you. Multiple times. And I still ignored you.”
Alec startled a bit when Magnus’ hand on his wrist stopped him from fidgeting with the fabric. He looked up again and found Magnus still watching him, only that his eyes were now not only hurt and sad, but also…annoyed?
“Alec, stop. I’m not blaming you, okay? I could never.” The tiny bit of anger was now also clearly audible in his voice. Magnus closed his eyes and shook his head, like he wanted to get something out of his mind and then looked back to Alec. “Look, there’s nothing that will change what happened. Let’s just…let’s just not talk about it right now, okay? I’m exhausted.”
Alec frowned, but then nodded. Deep down he knew that they were far from done talking about this, but for the sake of how exhausted Magnus looked and acted, he stopped himself from bringing it up again. His own guilt still wavered inside him, but he would deal with that later, maybe sneak in an hour at the training room at the Institute the next day. Now was not the time to think about himself, not when his boyfriend was feeling so bad. So he pushed his doubts aside, stood up and held out his hand so he could pull Magnus up from the couch. “Yeah, okay. Let’s get you some sleep then.”
_
Magnus had excused himself to the bathroom, so Alec took care of the mess the fight with Valentine had left behind. He cleaned up the puddles of spilled potions on the floor and put the rest of the broken jars and bottles into the trash can, then took out the trash altogether. When he came back into the loft, the bathroom door was still closed and the warlock was nowhere to be seen.
Alec walked over to the door softly knocked twice. “Magnus?”, he called out through the wood, “are you done?”
He didn’t get any response. Alec knocked a couple more times, but when the bathroom still stayed silent, he got worried. “Alright Mags, I’m coming in”, he announced and then slowly turned the doorknob until the bathroom door sprung open.
What he saw when he entered the bathroom made his body flood itself with worry and guilt. Magnus was standing at the sink, shoulders hunched, eyes closed and hands gripping the edge of the sink so hard his knuckles stood out against the skin. His usually so soft and warm face was pulled in a mask of pure pain, his eyes were pressed shut and his lips were pulled into a tight line. Magnus still didn’t say anything, but Alec found out the reason for that soon enough: his shoulders were heaving with muffled sobs he was desperately trying to hide.
Alec had tried to be understanding and give Magnus some space, he had really tried. But seeing his boyfriend so obviously miserable, with the tell-tale streaks of drying tears on his beautiful face, made him throw everything he’d done earlier over board. Instead of thinking too much whether this would upset Magnus even more, Alec just acted without second thought. With two long steps, he closed the distance between him and Magnus. He stepped behind him and immediately wrapped his arms around the warlock, pulling him into a warm embrace. Alec placed is chin on Magnus’ shoulder, and turned his face to the side, pressing his lips to the warlock’s cheek for a moment. “It’s okay”, he mumbled, “you can let go, Magnus. I got you.”
And those few words were all it took. A second later, Magnus was no longer facing away from him. Far from it. He turned around in Alec’s arms and crashed against him, burying his face in the crook of Alec’s neck and letting his hands rest on Alec’s chest, gripping the fabric of his sweater tightly.
In response, Alec only tightened his embrace and pulled the warlock flush against him. He let one of his hands wander to the back of Magnus’ neck, his thumb stroking the soft skin there. The other stayed tightly wrapped around Magnus’ back, keeping him in place, holding him steady.
Alec didn’t know how long they stood there, Magnus wrapped tightly in his arms and melting into the warmth of Alec’s body. Magnus’ breath was shaky and Alec heard him sniffle against the fabric of his sweater a couple of times, but he didn’t comment on it. He just kept mumbling soft words of comfort into Magnus’ ear and hugged his boyfriend tight, offering him all the love and comfort he could.
In a way, it felt like after the attack of the rage demon on the Institute a few months prior, only with reversed roles. Back then, no words in the world could have helped Alec, no matter how well-intended they might have been. He had not wanted to listen to anyone, had not wanted to see anyone except for Magnus. Magnus had understood that and just welcomed him with open arms, without many questions, he had let him cuddle up against him and shut the world out.
Looking back, Alec realized that this very moment, Magnus’ selfless act of love and affection, had been the first step to recovery for himself. And now it was his turn to return the favor.
It took Magnus a while until his breathing evened out. When he’d calmed down a bit, he moved his hands from Alec’s chest back around his back, hugging him close and breathing in the familiar scent of detergent and a hint of cologne. Silence encased them, but this time, it was not the uncomfortable kind from earlier. Far more, it was the one where you felt like the other was about to say something. So Alec waited for Magnus to make a move, trying to tell him without using words that he would be here to listen to whatever Magnus wanted to talk about.
He didn’t have to wait long. Magnus took a deep breath and then began to talk. “They made me remember the day my mother died”, he said, voice still thick from crying. “I have tried to forget that day for hundreds of years, and all it took was a single rune to bring it all back. I didn’t even realize that those memories were still so intense.”
Alec started running his hand up and down Magnus’ back when he thought of an answer. “How were you supposed to know? You’ve had to be so strong for all those centuries, you didn’t get the chance to process”, he answered, his hands running up and down Magnus’ back, drawing patterns over the tense muscles.
Magnus sighed deeply. “Yeah…I guess I didn’t get a chance to choose anything else, did I?”
Alec let his hand travel from Magnus’ neck to just below his chin, nudging his face upwards so the warlock would look at him.
“No. No, you didn’t. And yet here we are, and that’s what I admire most about you”, he said, taking a deep breath for what he was about to say. “You’ve never had it easy in your life, I think no one has had a harder path than you did. It would have been so easy for you to…drift off into the dark, and still, you chose not to.”
Alec smiled softly and cupped Magnus’ face in his hand, his thumb slowly caressing his cheek. “And now look who you are – a respected downworld leader, one of the most powerful warlocks of all time, and the strongest, most caring, compassionate person I know. You’ve overcome so many obstacles and now you’re going to overcome this, too. I know you can”, he said, holding Magnus’ gaze the entire time.
Magnus smiled, his eyes showing how tired he was. “Well you sure give one hell of a pep talk, Alexander.”, he mumbled, then leaned up a bit to kiss Alec softly. “Thank you for being there for me”, he added, mumbling the words against Alec’s lips.
Alec smiled at his boyfriend, relieved that a bit of his positivity had come back. “Anytime”, he retorted and leaned down to kiss Magnus once more. And this time, he didn’t hold back anymore, just poured everything he had, all the love and the worry and the happiness that Magnus came back to him, into the kiss. He felt Magnus gasp against his lips and then one of his boyfriend’s hands travelled up his back, landing on the back of his neck and pulled him in, pulled him closer. The kiss and Magnus’ gentle hands made goosebumps spread over Alec’s skin and his heart beat ever faster against his chest. It was one thing to nonverbally pour his heart out to someone, but it was a whole other thing to get the same in return. And apparently, Magnus was not in the mood for holding back anymore either.
When they broke apart, both of them were a bit short of breath, but Alec still laughed when Magnus barely managed to stifle a yawn. “Nice to know that I’m boring you, babe.”
Magnus just rolled his eyes. “It’s not…. it’s not you”, he said through another yawn. “I’m just really, really tired.”
Alec felt his lips pull into another smile, just because he was relieved that the mood had lightened a bit. He leaned down to peck Magnus’ lips once more and then stepped away from his boyfriend and pushed him towards the sink. “Let’s get you some sleep then. But first I would recommend you take off your makeup. You’re starting to look like a raccoon”, he chuckled, ducking away immediately but still unable to escape from Magnus lightly slapping his arm.
“You are lucky I love you, Alexander, because otherwise I would have cast a very, very unpleasant spell on you by now for that rude comment”, Magnus muttered under his breath and then turned towards the mirror. “Now hand me my makeup wipes so I can get rid of this mess.”
Alec smirked. “Must be my lucky day.”
He watched in comfortable silence as Magnus started washing off the remains of the classy black makeup look. Even after all those months they had been dating and the many of nights he’d spent at Magnus’ place, he still felt kind of special that Magnus let him see him like this – with his guard down, vulnerable, letting him witness his true self without any of his protective wards. Most people got to know Magnus as the flamboyant, confident High Warlock who didn’t fear anything except a boring party without any alcohol. They didn’t realize that this was only a façade Magnus put up every day, just to hide who he really was so nobody could hurt him.
In here, in his apartment, when he was only with Alec, he let these guards down so he could just be Magnus, with all his flaws and insecurities. And for all Alec loved Magnus’ entire character – it was probably this more calm, vulnerable side of him that he loved the most. In the past couple of weeks, he had been able to enjoy this side of him more and more often. Alec would be eternally grateful for Magnus trusting him enough to let his guards down like that.
When they lay in bed a few minutes later, Magnus curled up against his side, with Alec’s arm wrapped around him and already peacefully asleep, Alec thought that Magnus had been right earlier. What the warlock had been through the past two days had been terrible, and it would probably take a lot of time for the two of them to overcome it. But there was nothing he could do about that, nothing that would change what had happened. Right now, all he could do was be there for Magnus and make sure that he recovered as best as he could.
And if the road to recovery started with making sure his warlock got a good night’s sleep after all he’d suffered through, then so be it.
Everything else could wait until tomorrow.