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There were always those eyes. Those eyes he knew so well. They held so many emotions – a universe of one boy. Sugawara Koushi.
Those eyes constantly appeared in his dreams at night. They looked at Daichi, sometimes with one strong emotion, other times with a full range of them. It was too much and too little at the same time because he was searching – always searching – for something he couldn’t name. All he knew was that it was something intangible, more than a thought, more than a feeling. And then Daichi looked in those eyes several times per day, looked at Suga. He couldn’t keep his gaze too long, though.
Dots as planets, sparks as stars. Something that not just anybody could see. Something that strangers were not even allowed to see.
Probably Daichi saw it all only because Suga let him. He was just lucky. He wouldn’t change anything even if his own feelings confused him.
At times, Daichi wished he could translate everything he saw and felt into words. He would say those words in a way, which would convey what he yearned for.
He would find the words he needed and say them when he was ready.
***
Daichi hated seeing sadness in Suga’s eyes. Sugawara could also hide it well. He would smile pretending to be all cheerful as usual but when he thought that nobody could see him he looked sad, melancholy written all over his face. Then someone would call his name and he would put on that smile again snapping back to reality from his thoughts.
There were always many thoughts in that head of his. Just too many of them sometimes. Those people who knew Suga well enough, however, always remembered that. What Daichi disliked the most was that Suga even felt the need to hide his emotions from his friends, especially when all he really needed was a word of reassurance.
When they lost the game at the end of the second year of high school, they all felt crushed. They cried and blamed themselves, deciding later to practice harder. They all needed to improve. Afterwards, Daichi could see disappointment in Suga’s eyes that didn’t go away when he smiled. He was disappointed with no one but himself, always overthinking everything. Daichi needed to remind Suga he was not alone. Third years left but they still had a chance – the whole year ahead.
When Kageyama replaced Sugawara, at first Suga felt guilty about not being able to be the one who could help his teammates – his friends – win. After all, they wanted to do it together – Asahi, Daichi and Koushi, even though there were other worries besides the volleyball club. Daichi wanted to say so much to him, then, so much more than he really said.
Don’t let yourself feel empty – a lonely planet among dark shadows. Don’t let the darkness swallow your light, extinguish your stars.
Usually Suga didn’t lack self-confidence, he was strong and skillful but sometimes he needed a reminder and Daichi was damn ready to give it to him. He wanted Suga to know, he wanted him to remember.
You’re more than you think. I see it. Please, see it, too.
***
There were those eyes again. There was that face and a slowly formed smile.
Daichi felt lost and found, warm and exactly where he should be. Everything was falling into place. There was movement all around him – stars sparkling, comets flying, planets moving. He was looking at the boy in front of him, feeling utterly mesmerized. It was Suga — his whole world, that hidden universe in a dream. It was all Daichi saw every time he let himself really look at Sugawara. All that space around them here — it was Suga, Suga, Suga.
Koushi.
It took his breath away and next thing he knew he was falling. He plunged into darkness and opened his eyes.
Daichi was looking at the ceiling, nothing more. He woke in the middle of the night, it was dark but he didn't feel like falling asleep any time soon. There were many thoughts racing through his mind with his dream still fresh in memory.
"Fuck." It was the only word he whispered in the silence of his room.
***
It had been a month already.
To tell the truth, he freaked out at first. They had always lived in that rural town where people told their children about some so-called rules of this world and were quite strict about it. Traditions, they said, were everything they could built their life on.
Daichi always had his doubts when it came to some of those traditions. He preferred to have his own beliefs regarding life and love. He believed he was somewhat independent and free from opinions of others. Still, he had never expected to develop feelings for one of his friends.
Why Suga, though? Just why him?
Then the more Daichi thought about it, the better he understood that it was so logical. It totally made sense that he would eventually fall in love with Koushi once he got to know him better. How could he not?
Suga was attentive to others, to their feelings. He was always there to listen, being compassionate and kind to his friends and teammates. He wasn’t naïve, nor was he selfless. He was devilishly clever and cunning – a perfect mix for a tease. Suga had his goals and tried to be better, to do something more — always something more. He wanted to live with no regrets.
Each planet keeps different memories. Feelings are kept in stars, their light reaches everywhere in the universe, although there are still some dark patches. People say when one star dies, the black hole appears. There are always death and birth – old stories and new ones, past and current experiences, as well as different mysteries.
Yes, it was logical and probably was bound to happen. The realization was sudden but the whole process – from liking to loving not only as a friend – was not. It was slow and took a great deal of time.
Some stars shine brighter than others. You don’t get to see all of them and all the planets right away but you want to be there, to see more. And so you stay, hoping the universe will be merciful to you.
Initially Daichi felt a little bit guilty. Was he ready to share his thoughts? He didn’t want to involuntary drag Suga into some sort of embarrassing situation. Wouldn’t it be better to avoid it? Usually he didn’t avoid things – it was like running away and didn’t sit well with him. He couldn’t – he wouldn’t do that.
Sometimes during your travel, you look at the stars before you and familiar words come to you. “Live with no regrets”.
***
There would never be the right time – Daichi knew that. He could spend forever waiting for that moment of inspiration so many people dreamed about getting – the moment when all the right words seemed to leave your mouth on their own. That sounded like a good fantasy, albeit also sort of sad. There wasn’t any magical right time but there were wasted opportunities, regrets.
On a late autumn day, Daichi decided to tell Suga. He waited until after practice when they went home together. It had already started to get dark, the air was chilly and brown leaves were crispy under their feet. They were walking slowly, occasionally talking and enjoying little moments of silence.
Daichi felt confident enough when they left school grounds. He was nervous now. He thought he had a lot of words to say but he couldn't fit all of them together in his head. He needed to start talking already. Suga was smart and perceptive; he would notice the newly formed tension pretty fast.
“Actually, there has been something on my mind for a while now.” Daichi fiddled with the strap of his bag, looking at the ground. Oh god, he was so fidgety.
Sugawara just hummed, indicating he was listening. When Daichi hesitated to continue talking, Suga looked up at him and raised his brows questioningly.
“My, my! Daichi, is it that kind of talk?” Suga teasingly smiled, although something about it was off, but Daichi didn’t really notice, too lost in his own thoughts.
He imagined many ways to say it all. There would be a short speech; he would say a few words about Suga's personality, about all the moments they were together. It would be like explaining all the reasons to love Koushi. Then he would finally confess. Simple and straightforward.
Suga wouldn’t hate him, Daichi was sure of that. It was hard to imagine himself falling in love with someone who would hate people for loving them. Still, everything could just become weird between them.
"What's up?" Koushi's voice became more serious, he sounded concerned. They slowly came to a stop not far away from the corner where Suga usually turned to get to his house. Daichi took a deep breath and finally looked at him.
He was so calm before. He thought it through, so why was he like that now?
A new star can be born or the old one can become brighter. Everything starts with something.
“I like you.” Daichi said, initially wanting to whisper but gathering all his inner strength to say it straight and clear.
There, he said it. No short speeches, only the last but most important part. He felt the need to elaborate, though.
"Like in romantic kind of way. Not just, you know…” And after those additional words Daichi decided it was time to shut his mouth and maybe hear an answer.
He wanted Koushi to understand that he was sure about this and didn’t feel ashamed. At least he didn’t want to feel guilty or apologize for his feelings.
Daichi thought the hardest part of this would be saying those words, but waiting seemed to be worse. Suga’s eyes – those ever-haunting eyes – widened a bit in surprise and it seemed that he even stopped breathing. He didn’t move. He didn’t say anything. He just stared at Daichi.
It made Daichi want to turn away or make an apologetic face or laugh awkwardly and say something like “sorry for the surprise”. He actually felt mortified by the silence.
Daichi was afraid of black holes, of those graves where stars lied.
Uncertainty makes time go slower, even when somehow it feels like everything is happening too fast. You can only believe that eventually you will reach your destination.
“Say something.” There was a slight tremble in Daichi’s voice and if it sounded like a plea, he didn’t care.
“You,” Suga started, then stopped and straightened before speaking again, “You haven’t asked the question.”
"Wha-" Daichi was baffled by this answer. He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Did he say something wrong? For a few seconds, he just stood there speechless, replaying the whole situation in his head, and then it hit him, the idea what it was about. "Question... oh, right."
What did Daichi expect? He was all about confidence and certainty, yet he didn't actually think about anything more than stating a fact. He didn't really believe there would be a possibility of getting some sort of positive answer so he opted for not getting anything at all. Sort of. What a mess his head was.
Do you like me in that way?
Will you stay by my side?
Will you be with me?
Will you?
Daichi was silent for a few moments before speaking again. "Will you, uh, will you go out with me?"
Wasn’t it what people usually asked after their confession? Did they all feel hopeful?
Everything starts with something.
Suga nervously chewed on his bottom lip while everything in Daichi's head screamed at him to calm the hell down.
“If you’re not ready to answer-”
“Yes. My answer is yes.”
Later that evening, when Daichi was already at home in his bed, he still couldn’t quite understand how something unexpected sometimes met expectations you thought you didn’t have.
***
There are certain things in life that you have always wanted but still need time to get used to – look however long you want without hiding, kiss when and as long as you want, simply touch more. Daichi loved the mere fact that he could do all those things with Suga but it took some time to get there.
It took some time to let hands linger longer, to let them freely slide over skin; some time to plant a kiss on other’s cheek, nose, lips – all that without thinking too much before or afterwards, imagining that they overstepped some boundaries.
It wasn’t a smooth process, when was it ever? And when was Daichi ever smooth? At first, it was filled with anticipation, little awkward silences, search for non-verbal signs and thoughts about their own too clammy hands and bumping noses on both sides. Sometimes Daichi touched and kissed on impulse, other times he thought too much until he internally said ‘oh, to hell with it’ before doing anything.
First few days they laughed at their own awkwardness and it somehow made it all easier because more often than not uncertainty seemed like a really silly thing to have after all that time they knew each other and after their confession and especially after they both agreed they were comfortable with certain things.
Daichi liked making Koushi laugh. Sometimes he said awful pick-up lines to Suga just so they could laugh and tease each other.
Daichi started saying everything he wanted but hadn’t during quiet moments.
There are so many stars, so many planets, so many ways. Let me stay, I have so many words I want to whisper in your ears.
Becoming closer felt natural, yet they took their time to get used to the absence of the limitations each of them build for themselves in the past – breaking those was simply delightful.
***
I’ll whisper, I’ll say it loud.
Hot summers, buzzing insects, naked arms and legs, juicy watermelons, people whining about it being too hot, joyful laughter, secret mischievous smiles, road trips and stolen kisses – Daichi loved those.
Constellations. Old and new ones.
Days spent together, nights with tangled legs under cool sheets.
Brown eyes with stars and planets. Hearty smiles.
I always steal looks at you, you know. I travel in this universe.
Dishevelled hair. Even breathing or panting and racing heartbeats.
And it’s you, it’s you, it’s you–
“You’re beautiful.” Daichi whispered it or more like breathed it out. And he would repeat it again because he desperately wanted Koushi to believe in it.
Because you’re more than you think.
There were other words whispered along with the kisses on the shoulder, pressed into the skin in an attempt to make them eternal. And Koushi answered.
They shared truths they already knew.
Dots as planets, sparks as stars. We’re here.
On calm and almost silent nights they slept peacefully.