Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

He doesn’t think much of it at first. It’s just a stupid crush. Henrik is attractive and definitely Tarjei’s type but that’s all there is to it, just a gay boy crushing on his straight co-star.

It builds up slowly, slow enough for him to brush it under the carpet and blame it on the fact that he spends about thirty hours a week making out with Henrik. For work. Tarjei keeps it purely professional.

Until he’s home. Only in the darkness of his bedroom, with a hand down his sweatpants, does he let himself be a loittle unprofessional. Eyes closed and door locked, he thinks of Henrik’s hands down his chest, lips on his neck. He remembers the scene from earlier, how hard he had to focus not to get lost in the moment. Tarjei gets lost now, lost in his fantasy and when he tips over the edge, it’s with Henrik’s name on his lips.

It’s just a crush, even when they’re in Marlon’s room and Henrik’s sat on the floor explaining what a chemical equilibrium is (which he somehow remembers two years post-graduation). Tarjei’s definitely not listening to the conversation and maybe he finds himself staring at the way Henrik chews on his pen, but it’s fine. Everything is perfectly under control.

He tries to ignore the fact that Henrik is constantly at the back of his mind or that his bedroom begins to fill up with items that he takes from him on set. It gets cold when they’re filming late and Henrik’s always wearing way too many layers, always offers one of them to Tarjei. They’re too big for him, sleeves covering his hands and hood going over his eyes but he likes it. He mostly wears the hoodies to bed, Henrik’s cologne comforting and familiar as he falls asleep.

It’s just a crush.

It’s not just a crush.

He finds himself in Isak, blurring the line between what’s real and what’s not. This feels real to him. The man in front of him, with his deep blue eyes and his messy hair, he’s real and he’s beautiful and Tarjei feels it all the way down to his toes. He doesn’t exactly know when it happened or how he lost control, let it become something bigger than him, but there’s no going back now.

They’ve been filming all day, just them in a hotel bed, inches from one another when the realness of it all hits Tarjei in the face. He’s safe. In Henrik’s arms, with his fingers in his hair, he feels safe and he never wants to leave this bed.

They film the dialogue first, keeping the make out scene for the end. He’d almost forgotten about that. Julie asks for raw, she wants lips down his chest, she wants sexy and that’s easy. He doesn’t have to act like he wants Henrik because he needs him. Desperately. What’s hard is remembering that it’s not real, that this is Even touching Isak.

He somehow manages not to get hard, even with Henrik’s lips so close to the waistband of his jeans and heads straight home once they’re done filming. It’s late, a little dark, and Henrik says something about going out for drinks but Tarjei isn't old enough nor is he in any shape to go anywhere with him. So he goes home and shuts his phone off, thankful that they won’t have to film for the next couple of days so he can try to get his shit together.

He doesn’t leave the house for three days, spends most of his time playing video games and writing. Writing helps him clear his mind. His phone’s dead under a pile of clothes somewhere and he can’t be bothered to find it. It feels nice to disconnect a little.

He skips school on monday, hoping for one last day of freedom, but Marlon shows up at the door around noon. He’s got a six pack of beer so Tarjei lets him in, thankful that his parents are at work all day.

“Did you lose your phone or something man? David and I tried to text you all day yesterday.”

“I forgot to charge it”

“You missed a sick party, Sacha tried to hook up with this twenty-something girl and she was just not having it. It was hilarious.”

Marlon opens a beer as he starts on a very detailed summary of what Tarjei missed the night before. He’s thankful for the distraction, lets himself fully relax for the first time in days. It feels good and for a moment, Tarjei almost forgets about Henrik.

Almost.

They’re on their third game of fifa, four beers down when the room goes quiet and Marlon glances over at him.

“You like him don’t you?”

Tarjei lets out a breath because, of course he knows, he’s never been very subtle about anything.

“I feel like such a cliché. It’s so stupid. It’s like when you’re eight and you think you’re in love with the girl who sits next to you because she let you use her nice markers. It’s his job to like me, he probably goes home and talks shit about how bad of a kisser i am”

“First of all, I’m sure he doesn’t talk shit about you” Marlon says, fishing out a blunt and a lighter out of his pocket. “Second of all, you can’t choose who you fall in love with. Remember that time in ungdomsskole? When I was in love with our English teacher?”

Tarjei laughs loudly at that and takes the first hit, head tilted back as he blows out the smoke. “You’re an idiot”

“Made you laugh though, didn’t I?”

This feels familiar, they’ve filmed this exact scene so many times except today the bottles aren’t filled with water. There’s so many drinks and Tarjei’s not sure how they’re going to make it to the actual party later.

But he likes this, likes being surrounded by the people he cares most about and just chilling. It’s nice and there’s no one Tarjei would rather spend his birthday with. Well, maybe there’s someone.

“Where’s Henrik?”

“We didn’t invite him.” David says, handing him another beer. “It’s your birthday, no moping around over him”

“I’m not moping!”

“Ya okay” Marlon walks out of the kitchen with a box of pizza, rolling his eyes. “You need to fuck someone and just get him out of your head, for like a night. Just one night at least. That’s not ridiculous”

Maybe they’re right. Maybe what he needs to get over Henrik is just to get with someone different. He agrees to it, kindly declines when Carl volunteers to be the one he hooks up with. If he’s gonna get over a castmate, he probably shouldn’t hook up with another one.

They all pile up into a cab and Tarjei’s already buzzed, his body feeling a lot lighter and his confidence through the roof. He’s gonna do this. He’s gonna pick up someone and get Henrik out of his head.

It doesn’t take too long for him to find someone. After two rounds of shots he finds himself dancing with a tall blond, blue eyes and he’s thankful that his friends don’t comment on the fact that he looks a little bit like Henrik. Just a little.

He has a type.

The guy, Tarjei doesn’t know his name and doesn’t care to ask, is grinding up against him when Henrik walks in. His hair is messy and he’s wearing the denim shirt that Tarjei loves so much. The guy’s lips are on his neck and Tarjei feigns a groan, eyes on Henrik. That’s when he sees her.

Lea.

Tarjei doesn’t mind her, she’s a nice girl and she’s been friends with Marlon for so long but he minds her with him. He minds the way he looks at her like she’s magic, like he would give his life for her.

His mind spins a little out of control. Too much alcohol, too many feelings he doesn’t want to have and suddenly he’s pushing the guy off of him because fuck that. He’s not Henrik, he’s never gonna be and Tarjei doesn’t wanna deal with that. The guy looks pissed and Marlon is at his side almost instantly.

“You okay?”

Tarjei takes Marlon’s shot out of his hand and tosses it back, glancing over at Henrik who’s got his arm around Lea, smile brighter than the sun.

He wants him. He can’t have him.

He sits alone at the bar with his beer but he’s not moping. Okay, maybe he’s moping a little but it’s his birthday and he’s allowed to do whatever he wants.

Two beers later, he feels a familiar hand on his back. Warm and heavy, safe is the first word that comes to mind. He doesn’t have to look to know who it belongs to.

“Halla birthday booooy”

“Haaaaallaaaa”

It’s weak.

He's pretty sure Henrik can tell he's not his usual cheerful self but before he can ask what's wrong, David's at his side switching his beer for a glass of water. They're being overprotective, overbearing even and Tarjei pouts.

"Neeeeei! Give it back"

"I think you've had enough for tonight"

He hears David say something to Henrik. It sounds like I got this, but it's not loud enough for him to decipher. Henrik walks away with one last pat of his back and Tarjei glances over with a little whine.

He wants another drink, he wants to forget Henrik's name and the way he makes him feel. He takes a sip of water, with David's encouragements, but his heart hurts and he definitely doesn't want to party anymore.

They end up leaving early. The guys don't let him say goodbye to Henrik and maybe that’s for the best. Instead, they take him back to Marlon’s place and spend the rest of the night smoking.

It’s maybe 4 in the morning and he can’t sleep. Everyone else is passed out, the room quiet safe from Sacha’s snoring and Tarjei’s still feeling a little hazy.

He’s gonna regret it in the morning, all of his senses tell him so, but he’s too far gone to care anymore. He pulls up the Jodel app on his phone, takes a messy selfie and off it goes. Into the world for everyone to see.

The last thing on his mind when he finally falls asleep is Henrik’s face, comforting and close like the way he wishes it was.

Tarjei wakes up with a headache and an uneasy feeling about last night. Vague memories of a guy who looked like a cheap version of Henrik and heartbreak. That’s the feeling. Heartbreak. First day of being eighteen and there’s a hole in his chest the size of grand canyon.

He leaves for set a little early, doesn’t want to wait for the guys to wake up and frankly, he needs to be alone for a bit. Simmer with these feelings and throw himself into Isak, forget about Tarjei for as long as he can.

He’s expecting to have the yard to himself but Henrik's already there, two iced coffees in hand. Tarjei’s heart skips a beat, butterflies in his stomach. He loves him.

So much for simmering his feelings.

"Halla!" Henrik smiles, glowing. "I stopped by the shop before, thought you might need it after last night”

“Tusen takk” He doesn’t know what else to say and takes a slow slip instead. Little bit of vanilla and almond milk, exactly how he likes it. He looks up at Henrik from under his sunglasses and considers commenting on it but he doesn't get a chance.

"So you're looking for a girlfriend huh?"

Tarjei coughs and blinks at him a little, he's not quite sure where or what Henrik is talking about and he's taken back by the question. It's a little blunt and Henrik seems to pick up on his confusion.

"Jodel? Fans posted your confession on twitter"

Tarjei goes red and looks down to his shoes, chews on the straw a little. He’d forgotten about that.

"I'll help you find a nice girl. Lea has hot friends"

"Kjaereste" Henrik raises his eyebrow at him, so he continues. "It didn't say girlfriend, it said kjaereste. No specifics."

There's a silence, Henrik says oh under his breath. "Lea has hot guy friends too. So do I"

From afar, Tarjei can see Marlon and Sacha are walking over to the set and he wishes they’d walk faster, stop this conversation before it gets too far. He doesn't want Henrik to help him find someone, he just wants /him/.

"What's your type?"

You, he thinks. He doesn’t have to think too long for an answer because the boys come up to them and change the subject. Marlon slings his arm around his shoulders and glances at him with a worried look. Tarjei smiles at him.

He’s fine. He’ll get over it.

Every weekend is the same. Henrik takes him on double dates with a bunch of his friends and Tarjei goes along with it, thinks maybe it’ll help him get over his feelings.

It doesn’t.

He mostly just spends the night sitting at the table and pretending to be interested in whatever the man of the night is talking about. He’s an actor, it’s not too hard for him to pretend.

What’s hard is watching Henrik with Lea. Watching his eyes light up when he’s looking at her or his hand grazing her bare shoulder. He wants to be loved like this, wants to feel wanted.

He’s met around seven guys by the time he finally finds the courage to tell Henrik he needs to stop. He can’t take it anymore.

“Can we chill on the dates?”

“I thought you said you wanted to find someone?” Henrik looks at him confused.

“It’s just not working, it’s fine” His voice is a little shaky and he tries to steady himself.

“Come on, you’ve met so many guys. There has to be SOMEONE you clicked with”

"Nei, I huh. I already like someone" He regrets those words as soon as they come out of his mouth because Henrik sits closer to him, Tarjei can feel his breath on his face.

"Do I know him?” Henrik looks like a kid on christmas, his eyes crinkling at the sides from his smile.

Tarjei stares at him jaw slacked and he watches as Henrik's gaze travels from his mouth to his eyes, back down to his mouth.

There’s a silence and he can see him slowly piecing everything together. Henrik must be replaying the timeline in his head, trying to make sense of it all.

Tarjei wants to sink into the ground and disappear forever.

"I'd prefer if we never spoke about this ever again"

So they don't.

Henrik tries to reach out a couple of times, invites him to parties or dinner but Tarjei doesn't answer. He's already embarrassed himself enough to last centuries and he doesn't need to spend more time with Henrik then he has to.

They only see each other at work and eventually their relationship fades into nothing. He doesn't let himself think of Henrik, stores the pictures on his phone into a folder in his computer so he doesn't have to look at them every day.

There are dreams, sometimes. Those he can't control and he finds himself waking up with watery eyes and his heart in his throat but they become rarer, more sparse.

The feelings are still there but he's able to push them far enough down Henrik becomes a distant thought, almost like a figment of his imagination.

Two strangers, worlds apart.

Tarjei decides not to go to the cast party. He's already given everyone his goodbyes and if he's being completely honest he doesn't think he should be around Henrik when alcohol is involved. Or anytime really but especially then.

He's sad anyways and crying in public if it's not for work is not something he particularly enjoys. It’s moments like these that he’s happy he doesn’t have social media. He’d definitely be looking at everyone’s stories if he did.

He’s in bed reading the script to a new project he’s about to start working on when his phone vibrates next to him.

Should’ve turned it off.

MARLON LANGELAND
[photo]
[photo]
Henrik just left so you can stop by now

TARJEI
that hat is hideous

MARLON
cool. so that means you're on your way?

TARJEI
ja, whatever

MARLON
there's a lot of beer

TARJEI
*cheetah running gif*

Tarjei is almost thankful when Skam ends. He finally gets to turn the page on this chapter of his life and focus on other projects.

He takes on a lot of them. The busier he is, the better he feels. If he’s got so many things to think about, there’s no space for heartbreak. He keeps himself busy, juggling his time between school and acting jobs but he never gives himself time to heal. There’s still a hole in his chest, keeping him awake at night, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

Last he hears of Henrik is before he moves to Denmark. He invites the whole cast to a goodbye party at his place and promises an evening full of beer and good food. Everyone’s gonna be there, a reunion of the skam family and the group conversation on facebook is blowing up his phone. Tarjei removes himself from the chat, removes himself from the event and closes his laptop.

He gets a text on the night of the party.

HENRIK
Come by tonight. Please?
Miss you x

He doesn't go.