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Next time, you think, because there will most definitely be a next time, you'll bring a cushion to sit on. Maybe you'll alchemise one specifically for this purpose. Maybe you'll make sure it doesn't clash with the rest of the decor, because you can't think of anything worse than a cushion meant to keep your ass from freezing off clashing with the load gaper.
Rose doesn't appreciate the humor.
Although, not even you would want to put up with your bullshit if you were preoccupied with puking up everything you've eaten in the last forty eight hours.
You sigh and reach up to flush the gaper again when it looks like Rose is done hurling for the minute. She makes a kind of whining noise, and all you can do is brush her hair back when she leans over to rest her cheek on the seat.
ROSE: Why you?
DAVE: its gotta be hella embarrassing to blow chunks like this in front of your alien girlfriend
DAVE: besides i had nothing else on tonight
DAVE: theres only so many times a guy can rewatch every episode of south park you know
ROSE: Thanks.
DAVE: hey what else are brothers for if not taking photos of you at your worst
ROSE: Hnnng.
DAVE: relax i only took one and you look hells amazeballs in it
DAVE: itll get you all the bitches
She retches again and lifts her head slightly. It's a false alarm though and she settles back down on the edge of the load gaper, one hand under her cheek and the other clutching at the seat as if for her life.
You know it's got to be bad this time, you haven't had to do this for weeks. You run a hand over her back, slowly, patting between her shoulder blades on-beat with time itself because she needs some stability right now and that's all you can think to do. You're not going to ask what started her drinking at eleven in the morning, not that she'd known it was eleven in the morning. Even if you did, you know she'd lie. Lie upon lie has been a running constant for the last few months with her, each worse than the last. She'd had a headache. She Saw something she didn't want to See. She was nervous about meeting your mom.
Each time, you'd told her that it was okay, but you're starting to think that there's no benefit in lying to a liar.
ROSE: S'th tmm?
DAVE: the time
ROSE: Mmm.
DAVE: its after four but not quite five
DAVE: thats all youre getting
ROSE: Imm dyinnn.
DAVE: nah this ones all on you
DAVE: sorry no convenient god deaths here
DAVE: just some good old fashioned mild alcohol poisoning
ROSE: Cull me thennnn.
DAVE: hell fucking no
DAVE: thats a hell to the no with a capital h
DAVE: partly because i aint gonna be responsible for that
DAVE: but maybe theres a lesson in this shit
ROSE: Don micksh boozes.
DAVE: yeah thats exactly the lesson here
DAVE: oh god okay here we go again
It's a close call but you manage to snatch up most of her hair before it ends up in the bowl. You've got a pretty strong stomach - probably because Bro took you to see shit like Hostel in the theatre when it came out - but after sitting with Rose while she pukes over and over, you're starting to feel queasy. On one hand, it's just vomit. On the other, it's your sister who's on the verge of sending her stomach up and out into the load gaper, along with the bottle and a half of space moonshine she's had in the last few hours alone.
Oh fuck, now she's crying. Shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit.
You'd take her ralphing on your cape over crying any day. You're never really prepared when someone starts crying. One time back in the second grade some girl had burst into tears because her grandpa died and it had been the most awkward thing you'd ever had to sit through, and hell, you barely even knew the girl. Right here and now though, it's your ectosis that's sobbing into the toilet because she can't even see straight and you have no fucking idea what to do. She's trying to say something but she was already so drunk when you found her that she was hard to understand well over an hour ago; her body has only absorbed more of the alcohol since then and you're honestly not sure how she's still conscious.
You don't tell Rose any of this.
She's trying to speak but you can't understand her, so that's what you tell her. You don't know what she's trying to say but she'll be okay. It'll be over eventually, just like it has been every other time you've done this for her. You hold back her hair and comfort her while she blows chunks for an hour, then she's fine. She's not dying and anyway, if she is, it's no big deal. Death doesn't really mean anything out here. She starts crying harder then, her whole body trembling because every time she thinks it's over, another wave of nausea hits and the heaving starts up again even though her stomach has been empty for the last eleven minutes thirty four seconds.
DAVE: look rose all im saying is if you die well you die and youll be back in an hour
DAVE: hungover but alive
DAVE: death means fuck all out here you know that
DAVE: i wonder what happens if we hit a dream bubble while were dead
DAVE: like if you kick the bucket in ten minutes and we hit the right bubble in fifteen
DAVE: would you be there or what
DAVE: like all im saying is do you think god deaths work like all the other deaths around here
DAVE: because we know dying isnt even dying its just going to hang out in a parallel universe
DAVE: full of other dead people but whatever
ROSE: Daaaaave…
DAVE: okay okay ill shut up
DAVE: im just thinking out loud here
DAVE: oh fuck okay spilling your guts again sure
It's hard to find a comfortable position on the floor of a load gaper stall. You're shifting around to try and get some feeling back into your legs without dropping your hand from Rose's hair, when you hear footsteps behind you. The initial panic that it's Kanaya come to find her girlfriend wears down when you realise the footsteps are following the wrong beat. Kanaya's got a lighter step, but each footfall is clear and distinct and even when she's running you could almost use her as a metronome. The steps behind you are more of a shuffling and scraping, more familiar than Kanaya's and, surprisingly, more reassuring right now.
DAVE: hey give me a hand here
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THIS?
DAVE: shes sick
DAVE: look i need a hand and your hands are right there
DAVE: just get in here and hold her hair okay
KARKAT: WHAT, AND TOUCH HER? YOU WANT ME TO SOMEHOW CRAM MYSELF INTO THAT STALL, GRAB LALONDE'S HAIR, AND NOT EVEN QUESTION WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
DAVE: what do you mean question whats going on here
He looks like he's about to say something and after eight seconds of silence you raise an eyebrow, almost daring him to ask the question. Another eleven seconds and you break the silence yourself, because he's done a good enough job biting his tongue for that long.
DAVE: are you fucking kidding me
DAVE: look we can talk about the fact you still dont believe in the concept of siblings later
DAVE: but right now i need you to either get in here and hold her hair
DAVE: or you can go and find all the other shit i need but youll have to get a pen because theres about six things on the list
KARKAT: FINE. WHAT DO I DO?
DAVE: dude you literally stand here and hold her hair
DAVE: thats it
KARKAT: YOU WEREN'T JOKING ABOUT TOUCHING HER.
DAVE: im not asking you to grope her tits
DAVE: youre holding her hair so she doesnt upchuck on it
KARKAT: KANAYA WILL CLAW MY FUCKING FACE OFF.
DAVE: look if this is a weird troll girlfriend being overprotective thing we can talk about that too
DAVE: but seriously bro its not a big ask
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE. WHATEVER.
DAVE: just dont claw her face off
KARKAT: I SAID FINE.
DAVE: karkat
KARKAT: WHAT?
DAVE: theres this idea right
DAVE: that no two objects can occupy the same space
DAVE: i dont know how it works out here where time and space are weird as fuck but im talking regular time and space rules
DAVE: scientists said so
DAVE: as in theres no conceivable way for two pieces of shit to be in exactly the same place at the same time
KARKAT: IS THERE A POINT TO THIS OR ARE YOU JUST DEFECTIVE TODAY?
DAVE: i cant leave the fucking stall while youre standing in the doorway you colossal douchebag
KARKAT: YOU REALISE YOU JUST CALLED YOURSELF A PIECE OF SHIT, RIGHT?
DAVE: i do
DAVE: but i also called you a peice of shit in the same breath so it felt like a fair trade off
DAVE: just get in here and hold her hair would you
It's more of a challenge than it should be to trade places with Karkat. He shuffles into the stall on Rose's other side as you shuffle out, somehow handing over the fistful of her hair; he doesn't let it drop straight back into the her face, which is admittedly more than you'd been expecting. He looks some kind of annoyed, until Rose drops her head into the bowl again and jerks his arm forward unexpectedly. Yeah, now he definitely looks pissed.
KARKAT: ARE HER LOOKSTUBS LEAKING?
DAVE: yeah shes been crying for a while now
KARKAT: WHAT DO I DO?
DAVE: just keep holding her hair
DAVE: if she pukes in it ill have to wash it
DAVE: and i dont really want to do that today
KARKAT: WHY NOT?
DAVE: because if shes awake shell cry and bitch at me
DAVE: and if shes unconscious i cant exactly tell if im getting water up her nose or whatever
DAVE: dont ask how many times ive done this already
KARKAT: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU DONE THIS ALREADY?
DAVE: dude i just said dont ask
DAVE: i dont know anyway
DAVE: she hasnt been this plastered in a few weeks i guess
DAVE: she dialled it back a notch after she died last month
KARKAT: WHY DO HUMANS DRINK YOUR SOPORIFICS IF THEY KILL YOU?
DAVE: they only kill you in excess
DAVE: like if i ate sixty bags of doritos and nothing else id probably die
KARKAT: DORITOS HAVE FUCKING SOPORIFIC EFFECTS???
DAVE: seriously bro
DAVE: have you ever been stoned on doritos
KARKAT: WELL I'M SERIOUSLY QUESTIONING IT NOW.
DAVE: you havent
DAVE: look her thinkpans just fucked right now
DAVE: will it stop being fucked one day
DAVE: who knows
DAVE: but right now shes convinced this is a good way to forget all her fucking problems
KARKAT: WHY?
DAVE: because its a good way to forget all her fucking problems
DAVE: she wont remember jack when she wakes up
DAVE: okay move
Rose reaches up with a groan because you've probably pulled her hair back too tightly but like hell you're going to let her puke on it now. You swat her hand away and try to loosen the hair tie, but from the sharp cry of pain she lets out you figure you've only made it worse. You ignore her and slap on a headband as well, only just managing to avoid crushing her ears beneath the ends of it.
When you slide back down to the floor beside your sister, Karkat does the same just outside the stall. He kind of hovered around for a few seconds while you fixed Rose's hair but now you're all sitting on the ground he passes the damp cloth he's been holding for you.
You manage what could almost be called a grimace as thanks.
Rose squirms as the cool washcloth presses against her forehead but between the hand there and the one on the back of her neck, she's not going anywhere. With the fabric settled on her head, you reach up to flush the load gaper again. She clumsily wipes the spray off her cheek and lets her hand drop back to the floor; you sigh because she could be like this for the next hour. Your hand slides down to rub circles on her back again, but you stop when she makes an irritated noise in your general direction.
ROSE: Mmm ohkey nmww…
DAVE: youve been blowing chunks forever
ROSE: Donnnn.
DAVE: last time you said that you spewed your guts up down the back of my shirt
DAVE: im not moving you until youre unconscious
ROSE: B'mm cooold.
DAVE: i give no fucks rose
DAVE: i left them back at the green sun
DAVE: my fucks were checked at the meteor door
DAVE: throw it all up then pass out
DAVE: you know the drill
ROSE: Who's therrr?
DAVE: no one
ROSE: Lieeeemrph.
DAVE: its just karkat
DAVE: hes probably here because hes been messaging me for like two hours
DAVE: and without a reply he thought i was dead
DAVE: because everyone knows i never really shut the fuck up
DAVE: step in if im wrong here bro
KARKAT: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT. I MEAN, FOR ONE THERE AREN'T THAT MANY PLACES FOR ANYONE TO BE ON THIS FUCKING SPACE ROCK, BUT THE PUDDLE OF PARTIALLY DIGESTED FOOD AND SOPORIFICS ON THE COMMON ROOM FLOOR SUGGESTED SOME HOOFBEASTSHIT LIKE THIS WAS GOING ON.
DAVE: yeah shes cleaning that up tomorrow
DAVE: im not doing it again
KARKAT: IS THAT AN ATTEMPT TO HAVE HER LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS SORRY EPISODE?
DAVE: dude i told you she wont remember jack shit in the morning
DAVE: shes that god damn wasted this is like some superfluous information for her brain
DAVE: none of this is sinking in to her thinkpan
DAVE: like tell her whatever the fuck you like
DAVE: she aint gonna repeat it
KARKAT: THAT'S THE REASON SHE DOES THIS THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: i think so
DAVE: tomorrow shell wake up with a hangover and thatll be the end of it
DAVE: no questions asked
DAVE: shell assume she said something stupid
DAVE: wont remember what
DAVE: wont remember this
KARKAT: WON'T REMEMBER THAT I DECIDED THIS WAS THE BEST MOMENT TO TELL HER THAT YOU AND I ARE ESSENTIALLY IN A MOIRALLEGIANCE AND THAT SHE LOST HER FUCKTARDED SHIPPING BET?
DAVE: dude
DAVE: extreme bros okay
DAVE: but yeah
DAVE: whatever
You realise that your sister hasn't taken another dive into the bowl for a few minutes and that sure, maybe her stomach is empty enough now her body has quit trying to expel everything she's ingested lately. With a hand over the washcloth again so it doesn't fall, you guide her back from the toilet and rest her head on your crossed ankles because that's got to be slightly more comfortable for her than lying on the floor. She stares up at you, her eyes more bloodshot than ever and still sobbing, but she doesn't say anything. You remove the headband from the top of her head and toss it aside because you know you've put it on wrong, but that hadn't really been a major concern at the time.
While you're stroking her hair back in time with the song stuck in your head, you feel Karkat's shoulder bump against yours.
KARKAT: ARE YOU OKAY?
DAVE: peachy fucking keen
KARKAT: THIS IS A BIG THING TO DO FOR SOMEONE, ISN'T IT? EVEN IN YOUR CULTURE.
DAVE: i guess
DAVE: like its basic fucking decency to make sure someones not dying
DAVE: but most of the time you probably just check theyre breathing and if they are theyre fine
DAVE: and yeah a year back it was fucking hilarious when she got like this
DAVE: now
DAVE: i dunno
DAVE: i sure as fuck cant stop her from doing this shit in the first place
DAVE: but i can step in before it gets too bad
DAVE: maybe i shouldve stepped in eight months ago
DAVE: too late now
DAVE: going back to change that would create too many doomed timelines
DAVE: this is shit she has to sort out on her own
DAVE: no
KARKAT: WHAT.
DAVE: hell no
Before he can say anything else, and before he can get his hand within six inches of your body, you swat it away and plant your own hand over his entire face.
DAVE: no
DAVE: i aint in need of any paps right now
DAVE: hands to yourself
DAVE: we clear
KARKAT: YOU DO REALISE THE COMPLETE FUCKING HYPOCRISY IN YOUR REQUEST, DON'T YOU?
DAVE: this isnt a pap
DAVE: this is a get the fuck away from me warning
KARKAT: WHATEVER. FINE, JUST GET YOUR PRONG OFF MY FACE, I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE PROPERLY.
DAVE: are you going to keep your hands on your side of the stall
KARKAT: THAT DEPENDS ON IF YOU START LEAKING OCULAR DISCHARGE LIKE LALONDE. IF THAT HAPPENS, I MIGHT HAVE TO STEP IN.
DAVE: no hands
DAVE: no
KARKAT: OKAY, OKAY.
DAVE: damn fucking straight
ROSE: Arrrr yalll bein homomos?
KARKAT: DID SHE JUST???
DAVE: i think she did
DAVE: its kind of comforting to know shes capable of riding my ass about the yall thing even when shes half a shot away from death
KARKAT: NOW IS PROBABLY A GOOD TIME TO GET YOUR FUCKING HAND OFF MY FUCKING FACE YOU INCOMPETENT NOOKSTAIN.
You do as Vantas says and remove your hand from his face because yeah, it's been there so long now that it's definitely straying into weird territory.
You slap his cheek before you return it to your lap, though.
KARKAT: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
DAVE: mostly because youre an asshole
KARKAT: WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A PAP?
DAVE: no it was a slap
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE?
DAVE: ive slapped a lot of people so im pretty sure i recognise a slap when i see one
KARKAT: IS THAT BECAUSE YOU FIGHT LIKE A HUMAN FEMALE OF TWO SWEEPS?
DAVE: oh burn
DAVE: seriously harsh there man
DAVE: you know my strife skills are rad
DAVE: hell if im gonna recover from that one anytime soon
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE.
You shut the fuck up.
Rose is shifting in your lap, trying to roll onto her side to get comfortable. Poor girl doesn't even know she's lying on the gaper block floor. You remove the washcloth from her head and palm it off to Karkat then push Rose up so she's sitting, supported by your hands on her shoulders. She stays mostly upright while you stand and when you reach down and hook your hands under her armpits, you notice that Karkat is gripping her upper arm as well; he lets go when you nod at him, and haul your sister to her feet.
She stumbles and her legs almost give way but Karkat ducks aside and you manage to walk her out of the stall without any real incident.
DAVE: if you throw up on me
DAVE: im leaving you on the floor next time
ROSE: Mmrhmm.
You turn her in your arms and quickly, so you don't have to look at her blotchy face, you grab an arm in one hand and her waist in the other, and lift her up into a fireman's carry. She hangs like a deadweight over your shoulders and the arm you're not holding grasps your shirt in a loose fist, as if she's bracing for the next inevitable fall.
DAVE: can you get the door
KARKAT: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HER?
DAVE: my block i guess
DAVE: i dont really want to drop her off with kanaya like this
DAVE: all heres your drunk ass matesprit she should be okay in a day have fun
DAVE: considering the goal was to keep kanaya out of it
It's a toss-up between risking the transportalizer and taking the long way back, but considering you know what it's like exiting one of those things at the best of times, you figure it's probably better to take the extra two minutes to get to your block.
You turn right. Karkat's following you, hands crammed into his pockets as he shuffles along. You're willing to bet that if you asked why, he'd say that someone has to open the next door you come across. Although, if he just said he was bored because he's literally done everything it's possible to do on the meteor three times over, you'd take that as a legit response. You've done everything there is to do on the meteor three times over as well.
Three years is a long ass time.
He opens the door to your block, like you thought he would, without you asking. You drop Rose from your shoulders and onto your bed and she rolls straight onto her back. With a sigh, you tip her up onto her side and prop a few pillows behind her back to keep her that way. After a slight hesitation you do lift the blankets up as far as her waist because knowing your luck she'll get tangled in them and throw up everywhere in an hour. That's got to be more comfortable than the gaper block floor, no matter what angle you look at it from.
You kick a bucket over from under the desk, just in case, because you can always hope that she'll realise it's there. Quickly, you usher Karkat back into the hallway and lock the door from the outside before he can give you another shitty lecture about your equally shitty decor.
KARKAT: WHAT NOW?
DAVE: now she either drops dead or sleeps it off
DAVE: either way shell be fine in the morning
KARKAT: COMMON ROOM?
DAVE: theres vomit on the floor in there
KARKAT: FUCK. LAB?
DAVE: again seriously
KARKAT: ROSE'S BLOCK?
DAVE: her block is kanayas block
KARKAT: DIDN'T SHE HAVE HER OWN?
DAVE: they just moved it and combined blocks
KARKAT: WHY?
DAVE: its what humans do
DAVE: well the matesprits and the poor as fuck college kids do
KARKAT: WELL FUCK, I DON'T KNOW. I ALCHEMISED ANOTHER STACK OF ALTERNIAN NOVELS LAST WEEK IF YOU WANT TO READ ONE.
DAVE: whatever
DAVE: okay
DAVE: when did we last have storytime anyway
KARKAT: I MEANT THAT THEY'RE THERE IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING NEW TO READ.
DAVE: dude do you think i somehow learnt to read alien between like a month ago and now
DAVE: seriously
KARKAT: FINE. BUT IF YOU START BULLSHITTING ME WITH YOUR PAIN IN THE ASS SIDE NARRATION, I'LL BE THE ONE TO THROW UP ON YOUR BED.
DAVE: youd go out of your way to put the book down
DAVE: leave your block
DAVE: go all the way to my block
DAVE: and throw up there
DAVE: do you guys even vomit
KARKAT: IF THE NARRATION IS SHITTY ENOUGH.
DAVE: i can make it that shitty if you want
KARKAT: YOU KNOW HOW I EXPLAINED TO YOU AT HUMAN CHRISTMAS THAT, AT A VERY BASE LEVEL, PART OF MY ROLE NOW INVOLVES GOING TO WHATEVER LENGTHS IT TAKES IN ORDER FOR YOU TO REMAIN ALIVE AND UNHARMED?
DAVE: something like that
KARKAT: SOMETIMES I THINK IT'S BETTER TO KILL YOU MYSELF TO STOP YOU FROM GETTING INTO SHITTY SITUATIONS FOR AN HOUR AT A TIME.
DAVE: is that allowed
KARKAT: I DON'T KNOW.
DAVE: and man
DAVE: you gotta remember that if im annoying enough it might count as a just death
KARKAT: AND THAT IDEA IS WHAT KEEPS ME AWAKE DURING THE SLEEP CYCLE.
DAVE: seriously
KARKAT: NO.
DAVE: harsh
DAVE: youre just all about the harsh burns today
KARKAT: IT'S A TALENT.
DAVE: mad skills
KARKAT: MAD FUCKING SKILLS.
DAVE: …
KARKAT: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT.
DAVE: hey i just gotta exercise my mad skills
DAVE: or one day you wont even get pissed at me
DAVE: and then where would we be
KARKAT: MY MISTAKE FOR THINKING THAT THIS WAS JUST MORE INANE BULLSHIT AND NOT AN ATTEMPT TO FINALLY GO BLACK.
DAVE: did you just
KARKAT: HA FUCKING HA.
DAVE: are you fucking kidding me that wasnt even funny
KARKAT: THAT WAS SOLID FUCKING GOLD.
DAVE: no way man
DAVE: six kinds of unsettling as fuck
DAVE: but a shittily executed joke
He stares as you flop down face-first into the pile. It's as uncomfortable as ever but you've just spent the last two hours looking after Rose and you're exhausted. You're not even sure if it was really two hours. It's five thirty six now, no, thirty eight, no, fuck, it's forty three, so yeah, about two hours. You haven't been keeping track. Was it two or three when you'd first ended up in the common room? Somewhere closer to three.
As you breathe in the stale, recycled air, time finally falls back into place around you and the ticking, the familiar yet simultaneously infuriating and comforting ticking of time, takes hold and brings you back down to earth. To meteor. Whatever.
The pile shifts as Karkat sits down beside you.
KARKAT: SO DO YOU WANT THE ONE ABOUT THE DOUCHEKNUCKLE WHO TAKES 600 PAGES TO REALISE HE HATES HIS MATESPRIT, OR THE ONE ABOUT THE VIOLENT LOWBLOOD WITH A HIGHBLOOD MOIRAIL?
DAVE: which one is less confusing
KARKAT: THE SECOND. IT'S PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD ONCE YOU KNOW THAT IT'S RARE FOR THE LOWBLOOD TO BE THE VIOLENT ONE.
DAVE: okay
DAVE: hit me with your classic troll literature
KARKAT: THIS ISN'T CLASSIC LITERATURE. IT'S TRASH. THE KIND YOU FIND AT LONG DISTANCE TRAVEL HUBS SELLING FOR LESS THAN THREE CAEGARS.
DAVE: so trashy romance novels at airports are a trans universal constant
DAVE: good to know
KARKAT: CHAPTER ONE. THE SUN HUNG LOW IN THE SKY; A YOUNG TROLL FOUND HERSELF STUCK OUTDOORS, TOO FAR FROM HER HIVE TO MAKE IT BACK BEFORE NIGHTFALL.
DAVE: oh shit
KARKAT: SHE KNEW THAT IF SHE WAS LATE AGAIN HER LUSUS WOULD END HER LIFE PREMATURELY. THEY HAD ARGUED MORE THAN ONCE BEFORE ABOUT THIS AND HOW IT WAS WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR SOMEONE IN HER POSITION TO BE SNEAKING INLAND DURING THE DAY. AS SHE HAD ENTERED HER SEVENTH SWEEP, A MERE WIGGLER FOR ONE OF HER BLOODCASTE, HER LUSUS HAD GONE FROM GENTLE CREATURE OF THE DEEP TO SOMEONE MUCH MORE DEMANDING, EXPECTING THE YOUNG TROLL TO COMPLETE MORE AND MORE TASKS FOR HER. IT WAS FOR HER OWN GOOD, SHE HAD BEEN TOLD. THE TASKS KEPT HER OCCUPIED AND OUT OF TROUBLE. IF ONLY HER LUSUS HAD KNOWN SHE WAS THE ONE KEEPING ANOTHER SAFE.
KARKAT: THAT WAS A PLOT POINT, ASSHOLE. I HOPE YOU GOT THAT.
DAVE: girls gone wild
DAVE: lusus is a bitch
DAVE: shes got a sparklebro of her own
DAVE: keep reading
You were listening at the beginning, sure, but you dozed off at one point, probably near the end of the first chapter because the next thing you know, your phone is vibrating in your pocket and Karkat is narrating something about a dude bitchslapping his auspistice and you don't know when the dude even turned up in the story.
Rolling over on the pile, you work your phone out and squint at the screen for longer than you should. You can't bring the screen into focus, and just drop the smartphone back down on your chest with a sigh. You'll give it a few minutes, closing your eyes again in the meantime.
The weight next to you shifts but Karkat doesn't pause the story. He stands up and switches off the light and continues to read somehow because oh yeah, trolls are nocturnal anyway, aren't they? It's all one seamless movement and he drops back beside you again, still not having skipped a word.
At the end of the next sentence he flips the book over his knee and reaches over to pick up your iphone.
DAVE: hey
KARKAT: WELL ARE YOU GOING TO READ IT IN THE NEXT HALF AN EARTH HOUR? I DON'T THINK SO. WHAT IF IT'S IMPORTANT?
DAVE: in case you havent noticed
DAVE: were in outer fucking space
DAVE: nothings been important for two and a half years
KARKAT: IT'S KANAYA.
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: give it
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T SEE.
DAVE: yeah well the screen has a built in light
DAVE: thats science for you
DAVE: fucking lights in everything these days
KARKAT: YOU KNOW THAT IF I GIVE THIS TO YOU RIGHT NOW, YOU'LL BLIND YOURSELF FOR THE NEXT TEN MINUTES AND BLAME ME FOR IT.
DAVE: probs
KARKAT: SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN ROSE.
DAVE: yeah ive seen her
DAVE: look give it here would you
KARKAT: YOU CAN'T FUCKING SEE IT.
DAVE: i can fuckin try
DAVE: are you pretending to be me
DAVE: dude cmon
DAVE: just give it here would you
KARKAT: NO. I JUST TOLD HER THAT ROSE IS ALIVE AND SLEEPING.
DAVE: im logged in on that thing
DAVE: stop being a fuckwit and give it here
KARKAT: NO.
He presses down on the top button and the phone screen goes black. You hear a clatter and assume he's tossed it off to the side of the pile.
DAVE: if you just broke that youre using your own grist to alchemise me a new one
KARKAT: IT'S NOT BROKEN.
DAVE: how would you know
KARKAT: BECAUSE I CAN SEE IT'S NOT FUCKING BROKEN.
KARKAT: LOOK, DO YOU WANT ME TO START OVER OR KEEP READING FROM HERE?
DAVE: fuck if i know
DAVE: just keep going
DAVE: ill figure it out
DAVE: what did i miss?
KARKAT: JUST THE ENTIRE FIRST ARC OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
DAVE: so nothing interesting then
DAVE: have you been doing the voices
DAVE: i hope youve been doing the voices
KARKAT: YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP. WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
DAVE: all the fucking difference in world man
DAVE: hows my subconscious supposed to get all emotionally invested
DAVE: when the characters are as flat as a fucking kansas trailer park after a tornado
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A KANSAS?
DAVE: its a state thats as flat as roses chest
KARKAT: THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN SHIT. IF ANYTHING, IT RAISES MORE QUESTIONS THAT I DON'T WANT ANSWERED.
DAVE: like what
KARKAT: LIKE WHY THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOUR ECTOSISTER'S RUMBLE SPHERES.
DAVE: because it was a fucking joke
DAVE: and it was hilarious
KARKAT: SHOULD I JUST KEEP READING THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A NOVEL?
DAVE: are you going to do the voices
KARKAT: YES, DAVE, I'M GOING TO DO THE FUCKING VOICES BECAUSE CLEARLY, LIKE A WIGGLER, YOU NEED CONSTANT AMUSEMENT TO KEEP YOU OCCUPIED.
DAVE: you just get me man
KARKAT: OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP. OKAY, SO. DID YOU GET THE PART WHERE THE LOWBLOOD FOUGHT WITH HIS POTENTIAL KISMESIS AND WHEN THEIR AUSPISTICE STEPPED IN, HE HAD HIS THINKPAN SMASHED AGAINST A ROCK?
DAVE: is this even the same story
He makes a big show of sighing exasperatedly and even though you can't see it, you know he's thrown in an over-dramatic eyeroll for the hell of it all. But despite your bullshit he's reading again and yeah, you definitely didn't hear the part about the rocks because someone's bleeding and you don't know why.
It's a challenge to move silently but you had an entire childhood to perfect these moves. Shifting slowly down the pile, slightly off to the side, you twist a leg around so that your toes have at least some solid ground beneath them. Then, when you hear the sound of a page lifting, you dive forward and over the troll, scrambling for your phone.
KARKAT: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING NOW YOU IMPATIENT HOOFBEAST'S ASS???
DAVE: taking back whats rightfully mine
KARKAT: YOU COULD HAVE JUST ASKED.
DAVE: i did and you were all
DAVE: oh no yall cant have that right now
DAVE: no point if you cant see shit on the screen
DAVE: let me just tell kanaya her matesprits sleeping
DAVE: and not fucking explain why
KARKAT: THIS IS IT, ISN'T IT? THE MOMENT YOU FINALLY LOSE YOUR MIND. AFTER ALL THE COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THESE LAST TWO AND A HALF EARTH YEARS, WHICH - MIGHT I ADD - INCLUDED MEETING MY DANCESTOR WHO NEVER FUCKING STOPS INSULTING PEOPLE WITH HIS BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS DISGUISED AS HELP, WHICH IS HONESTLY ENOUGH TO SEND ANY SANE TROLL KNOCKING ON THE DRONES DOOR WITH EMPTY QUADRANTS. THAT SHIT HAPPENED. REMEMBER THAT TIME HE ACTUALLY LOCKED US IN A ROOM AND LECTURED US ABOUT HIS FUCK BACKWARDS SOCIETY AND HOW IT WAS CLEARLY BETTER THAN ALTERNIA *OR* EARTH?
KARKAT: ALL THAT HAPPENED, AND NOW, THREE MINUTES WITHOUT YOUR FUCKING PRECIOUS COMMUNICATOR ON YOUR PERSON, YOU'VE GONE BATSHIT INSANE.
KARKAT: NOW GET THE FUCK OFF ME BEFORE I LITERALLY KILL YOU.
You reach up and blindly slap him across the face.
DAVE: now that was a pap
KARKAT: THAT WAS DEFINITELY A SLAP.
DAVE: extreme pap
KARKAT: THAT'S IT.
You hear the slight woosh that accompanies the decaptchaloguing of his sickle. Okay, so you're toast. It's a hard choice on what move to take next because your phone can't be far and you're still fumbling around for it but yeah, you need to deal with this situation because you're not exactly armed right now. It's a stab in the dark but you punch upwards with your free hand as the one on the floor closes over your iphone. Fucking success right there, but you're too tired to deal with much more of this shit so instead of dragging out what could - and probably would - go on for the next fifteen minutes, you twist around and punch up again, phone still in your fist.
He attacks. Your free hand darts forward and knocks the weapon out of his hand and hell yeah, that was not fucking bad for a literal shot in the dark. Okay, you didn't think this all the way through because now he's probably pissed so you reach up to slap him again because hey, it works sometimes.
KARKAT: NO. HELL NO.
DAVE: okay what the fuck man get your hands off
One day, you figure you'll work out how to get a pap in without it being weird. But for now, while it's still weird as fuck to get all up in your bro's face to stroke his cheek or whatever, a slap will have to do. It seems to have some effect, some of the time, and you figure that's because it's still hands on faces.
It's not working this time.
DAVE: what the fuck man
DAVE: look truce or whatever im fucking wrecked
KARKAT: THEN CALM DOWN AND GET YOUR HAND OFF MY FACE.
DAVE: only if you calm the fuck down and get your hand off my face
Okay sure, you're well aware this situation is probably ridiculous and if you didn't just want to sleep for the next three months you'd be laughing at it right now. You're about to give up, to try again for a truce, and you're trying to figure out whether to call it before or after you drop your hand because there's too many variables here and fuck, his hand has been on your face smudging your glasses for twenty six, no, twenty nine seconds now and to give up would just earn you an unnecessarily hard slap. It's a hard decision.
Kanaya makes it for you when she enters Karkat's block, her night-light mode activated.
KANAYA: Should I Come Back Later Or Would You Both Rather I Interrupt Now
KARKAT: YOU'RE NOT INTERRUPTING ANYTHING.
KANAYA: Why Is Dave Lying Across Your Lap
KARKAT: THE FUCK IF I KNOW. ASK HIM.
KANAYA: Dave Why Are You Lying Over Karkats Lap
DAVE: because this douchebag took my phone right
DAVE: pretended to be me when you hit me up earlier
DAVE: and wouldnt give it back
KANAYA: So You Deposited Yourself Across His Lap
DAVE: yeah it seemed like itd be more effective than asking for my phone back
KANAYA: I See
DAVE: im lying kanaya
DAVE: im about to claw his face off
KANAYA: So I Did Interrupt Something
KARKAT: NO. FUCK. NOW HE'S LYING.
KANAYA: Yes I Can See That
KARKAT: OH FOR - GET OFF YOU IRRITATING SACK OF SHIT.
You take the knee to your kidney as a sign that yeah, now is about the time you should be moving unless you really do want your throat cut. So you withdraw your hand and slide back down onto the pile, sort of twisting around to stand up in the still mostly dark room. You tuck your phone safely back into your pocket and wave over your shoulder, brushing past Kanaya on the way out of Karkat's block.
DAVE: im just gonna check up on rosie
DAVE: ill come find yall later
KARKAT: TIRED, MUCH?
You flip him off as you leave, ensuring that your middle finger is the last thing they both see of you.
She's awake by the time you arrive in your block. You can't get time to fall into place and have to pull out your phone to check the clock; it's after ten. With a snort, because that means Karkat was reading aloud for four hours or he only started reading aloud again when you woke, you toss the iphone onto your desk, climb over Rose, and wedge yourself between her and the wall.
DAVE: so are you coherent yet
ROSE: What did I drink?
DAVE: everything
DAVE: you threw up on the common room floor so i left that for you to clean up
DAVE: then you spent another two hours hurling on and off
ROSE: Why does my scalp hurt?
DAVE: yeah thats probably my fault
ROSE: Sorry.
DAVE: no youre not
DAVE: i get it though
ROSE: Thanks.
DAVE: kanayas looking for you if you can walk
DAVE: you might want to brush your teeth first though
DAVE: because youre fuckin nasty
ROSE: Thank you for the vote of self confidence, dear brother.
DAVE: what else am i good for seriously
ROSE: Not much.
DAVE: that is exactly right rosie
DAVE: useless motherfucker reporting for duty
DAVE: dont expect me to get shit done because youll be hella disappointed
ROSE: Can I use your ablution block?
DAVE: the one down the hall
ROSE: Yes.
DAVE: okay so the three gallons of moonshine didnt kill you sure
DAVE: but that ablution block has never been cleaned
DAVE: ever
DAVE: im pretty sure ive created life in there
ROSE: I'd rather that than see Kanaya like this.
DAVE: wow way to make it obvious youve got the hots for her lalonde
ROSE: Game changing information I've let slip there.
ROSE: Thanks.
DAVE: whatever
She slips your shades off as she sits up, moving them to the desk beside your phone. You're almost grateful for the gesture because it means that as she leaves, unsteady on her feet, and switches off the light, you don't need to fumble around for the perch yourself.
It's quiet, you're alone, and no one's dead. There's a successful combination for getting a fucking nap in if you ever heard one, and it's the best idea you've had all week. What a fucking start to 2012. Maybe when you wake up, it'll still be 2009. You'd be mostly okay with that, maybe. But only mostly, you realise.
Fuck existentialism in the ass right now, you need to sleep.
When you wake, you consider the possibility that you're back in Houston. It's hot, too hot, and you feel almost like the air is too heavy and you can only draw in a shaky, humid, breath. It's dark though, there's no sun in the sky hanging low about three miles from your respiteblock window. Definitely not Houston, definitely still meteor. You drag the cushion off your face but its been covered by a blanket so you push that aside as well, then finally you can take a deep, cool, breath.
You don't need to ask the question anymore. A month ago you might have, probably would've retaliated somehow, but here and now you just let yourself slide off the bed and down to the floor, where you flop yourself over and onto the lowest part of the pile there.
KARKAT: WHAT TIME IS IT?
DAVE: after eleven thirty
DAVE: eleven fifty two
DAVE: that feels right
KARKAT: YOU SLEPT FOR HALF THE WAKE CYCLE AS WELL AS LAST SLEEP CYCLE.
DAVE: about fourteen hours yeah
DAVE: the blankets dont go over faces though
DAVE: just a heads up
KARKAT: THAT WAS DELIBERATE.
DAVE: you deliberately tried to suffocate me
KARKAT: NO, I HAD THE CEILING LIGHTS ON BEFORE.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: thanks man
KARKAT: BACK TO THE MAIN FUCKING ISSUE HERE THOUGH.
DAVE: attempted murder go on
He ignores your comment but the punch you're expecting never comes.
KARKAT: YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OUT IF YOU KEEP DOING THIS SHIT.
DAVE: what sleeping for fourteen hours at a time
DAVE: i gotta say i think youre wrong there
KARKAT: YOU ONLY SLEPT FOR FOURTEEN HOURS BECAUSE DEALING WITH LALONDE'S SHIT REDUCED YOUR PANPOWER TO ZERO. ADD IN THE NAP YOU TOOK WHILE I WAS READING AND YOU'VE MISSED ALMOST AN ENTIRE LUNAR CYCLE.
DAVE: so i needed a good nights sleep
DAVE: big fucking whoop
KARKAT: HOW MANY OTHER TIMES HAVE YOU HAD TO DO THAT SHIT?
DAVE: i dont know
DAVE: some
KARKAT: IT'S NOT YOUR SHIT TO DEAL WITH.
DAVE: she my fucking sister
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: look i get the sibling thing is hard for you to understand
DAVE: but as long as im alive and rose is alive and john and jade and our kid parents are alive in this new session
DAVE: the concept of human siblings will still be a thing
DAVE: youre all solitary creatures i get it but theres got to be a blood thing right
DAVE: like the mutant bloods feel something towards other mutant bloods
KARKAT: CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT ASTRONOMICAL ASSWIPE.
DAVE: shut the fuck up and let me finish
DAVE: whatever blood color you want to use here
DAVE: like do they feel drawn together or to look out for each other or something
DAVE: like if a rustblood was walking down the street and saw another rustblood theyd be like oh hey man whats up
DAVE: but they wouldnt even look twice at someone from another caste
KARKAT: THAT'S JUST YOUR STOCK STANDARD HEMOSPECTRUM BULLSHIT.
DAVE: i gotta look out for her man
DAVE: shes all ive got left
DAVE: im all shes got
DAVE: her moms dead my bros dead
DAVE: kid mom and kid bro wont be the same and she knows that as well as i do
DAVE: im not about to let her kill herself over and over because she knows it
KARKAT: THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD FOR YOU, BUT IF YOU KEEP IT UP, AT THIS LEVEL, YOU'LL BE THE ONE THAT ENDS UP PERMADEAD AND THAT'S NOT FUCKING HAPPENING.
DAVE: aw shucks man you do care
KARKAT: OF COURSE I FUCKING DO YOU SHITMONGERING BULGEMUNCHER.
You let his last comment hang in the air for a while, partly because you don't know how to respond and partly because you don't want to respond. You get what he's doing. You get that, somehow, in this not quite Alternian and not quite Earth space in the middle of paradox space itself, whatever this is, it's kind of what you both need.
You don't bring up the fact that, at some point, he's started absent-mindedly running his claws over your scalp.
You're still tired though, that's got to be it. You spent hours yesterday looking after Rose and even now you can't help but wonder if she found Kanaya okay, cleaned up the vomit pancake in the common room, if she's already started the cycle over again so you'll need to bail her out again in three hours. God, you hope she's taking a break. You need a break. Yeah, it was the first time she'd been that wasted in weeks, but that wasn't long enough - before that she'd been in an almost constant state of wasted for eight days and you'd been glad when she died at the end.
A sharp claw pinches at the skin behind your ear and you open your eyes at the warning. He's not going to let you go back to sleep any time soon, not until the end of the wake cycle. Probably not until you've had something to eat, either, and a bag of Doritos won't count. You give a pointed look, one that makes it clear youre still awake but you don't plan to move any time soon. A faint pop precedes the skimming of pages as he decaptchalogues a novel and flips it open on a knee.
DAVE: just to satisfy my own twisted as fuck curiosity here
DAVE: because i am nothing if not a martyr for knowledge
DAVE: youre secretly trembling in your turtleneck because this is the single most disgustingly romantic moment of your otherwise shitty life isnt it
KARKAT: CHAPTER FOURTEEN. PAY ATTENTION, ASSWIPE. IT GETS DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW HERE UNLESS YOU'VE UNDERSTOOD THE FORESHADOWING FROM SIX CHAPTERS AGO.
The claws are still there, scratching almost on-beat with time itself.
You don't ask how.