Chapter Text
WEDNESDAY
1:45 PM
From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: dude who decided to put condoms in the refrigerator
Enjolras: Courfeyrac, I am busy.
Courfeyrac: was it r?
Courfeyrac: i bet it was r
Courfeyrac: it was r last time
Courfeyrac: shit i wasnt supposed to tell you that
Courfeyrac: enjolras?
Enjolras: Why did Grantaire put condoms in the refrigerator?
Courfeyrac: SO I HEAR YOU HAVE CLASS RIGHT NOW ILL STOP BOTHERING YOU HAHA
1:52 PM
From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: do you have a will?
Grantaire: well
Grantaire: that depends on who you ask
Grantaire: and whether they believe in determinism
Grantaire: i mean do you believe things are just meant to be?
Grantaire: and does it matter whether or not you have free will?
Grantaire: does mankind suck because theyre meant to suck or does mankind suck because people choose to suck?
Courfeyrac: um
Grantaire: or is this one of your inspirational things again?
Grantaire: are you going to start yelling at me about putting my mind to things
Grantaire: because i can assure you, putting my mind to things is not on my agenda
Grantaire: my mouth on the other hand....
Grantaire: fuck
Courfeyrac: are you drunk?
Grantaire: so do i have a will?
Courfeyrac: we’re not done with this conversation i’ll have you know
Grantaire: why am i not surprised
Courfeyrac: i initially planned on warning you that enjolras might know about the incident with the fridge
Grantaire: what
Courfeyrac: but since you have such little concern for my suggestions i will not do so
Grantaire: what did you do
Grantaire: courfeyrac?
Grantaire: did you turn off your phone?
2:02 PM
From Grantaire to Combeferre, Grantaire’s phone.
Grantaire: hey text courfeyrac for me?
Combeferre: You’re lucky I’m on break.
Grantaire: oh i know
Grantaire: contrary to popular belief i do listen when Enjolras rants at me
Grantaire: or at courfeyrac
Grantaire: or at anyone actually
Grantaire: i just choose to ignore everything he says afterwards
Grantaire: except for that one time he went off on a boxers vs briefs tangent
2:04 PM
Grantaire: but moving on
Grantaire: courfeyrac
Combeferre: Anything you want me to ask him in particular?
Grantaire: just find out if his phone is on
Grantaire: without asking him if his phone is on
2:05 PM
From Combeferre to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Combeferre: What did you do?
Courfeyrac: did r send you?
Courfeyrac: that bastard
Combeferre: Not Grantaire, actually.
Courfeyrac: if it was the condom it wasnt me, i found it
Courfeyrac: ask enjolras
Courfeyrac: if it was the laundry thing no comment
Combeferre:
Courfeyrac: combeferre
Courfeyrac: combeferre was that a mistake
Courfeyrac: combeferre did you mean to send that
Courfeyrac: combeferre
Courfeyrac: COMBEFERRE
Courfeyrac: COMBEFERRE WAS IT YOUR LAUNDRY IM SORRY
Courfeyrac: PLEASE DONT KILL ME I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR
Courfeyrac: THERES GOING TO BE ANOTHER SPICE GIRLS REUNION SOON I CAN FEEL IT
2:09 PM
From Combeferre to Grantaire, Combeferre’s phone.
Combeferre: His phone is on.
Grantaire: thanks
Combeferre: If you kill him, try not to get blood on the books.
Combeferre: Literature shouldn’t have to suffer just because Courfeyrac exists.
Combeferre: And please make sure to rob him first--bastard owes me twenty dollars.
2:11 PM
From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Grantaire’s phone.
Grantaire: what do you mean enjolras knows about the fridge thing?
Courfeyrac: R THANK GOD SAVE ME COMBEFERRES GOING TO KILL ME
Courfeyrac: R
Courfeyrac: GRANTAIRE
Courfeyrac: GRANTAIRE
Courfeyrac: GRANTAIRE
Courfeyrac: MOM
Courfeyrac: MOM
Courfeyrac: MOM
Courfeyrac: MOMMY
Grantaire: STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TELL ENJOLRAS YOU VOTED REPUBLICAN BECAUSE YOU THINK MITT ROMNEY IS HOT
Courfeyrac: you are a dirty filthy liar
Grantaire: problem?
Courfeyrac: shut up. i just think he looks very good for a man his age
Courfeyrac: it’s in the eyes
Courfeyrac: they still shine
Grantaire: oh yeah they shine bright like a bigot
Courfeyrac: fuck you now i want a baguette
2:13PM
From Courfeyrac to Marius, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: hey are you busy?
Courfeyrac: can you bring me a baguette?
Courfeyrac: im hungry
Courfeyrac: please?
Courfeyrac: marius?
Marius: Why am I friends with you again?
2:14 PM
From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: BUT MOVING ONTO OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES: COMBEFERRE
Courfeyrac: GRANTAIRE HELP
Courfeyrac: I WILL SEND YOU A CLOSE UP OF ENJOLRAS’ ASS IN LEATHER PANTS IF YOU STOP IGNORING ME
Courfeyrac: PLEASE
2 :15 PM
From Grantaire to Combeferre, Grantaire’s phone.
Grantaire : is he yelling at you too ?
Combeferre: Sadly.
Grantaire: i think im going to let him suffer
Combeferre: Wise.
Grantaire: you know what could make this worse?
Combeferre: What?
Grantaire: apollo
2:17 PM
From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Enjolras: What did you do to my laundry?
2:29 PM
From Bahorel to Combeferre, Combeferre’s phone.
Bahorel: Combeferre?
Bahorel: Why did Courfeyrac just call me asking about having a will drawn up?
Combeferre: Are you really asking me this?
Bahorel: Good point.
5:25 PM
From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: youre awful
Combeferre: We’re sitting right next to each other.
Courfeyrac: i was seriously afraid for my life
5:26 PM
From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: youre awful
Grantaire: caught on, have you?
Grantaire: but question
Grantaire: why did you put glitter in Enjolras’ laundry?
Courfeyrac: ...
Courfeyrac: do you really want to kno?
Grantaire: yes
Courfeyrac: really?
Grantaire: no
Courfeyrac: fuck you
5:45 PM
From Enjolras to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Enjolras: I am currently in your bedroom.
Enjolras: There is a lighter in my right hand.
Enjolras: And your My Little Pony blanket is in my left hand.
Enjolras: What. Did. You. Do. To. My. Laundry.
Courfeyrac: um
Courfeyrac: remember how i said someone had stolen all your clothes?
Enjolras: Yes.
Courfeyrac: it wasnt so much that your clothes were stolen
Courfeyrac: more like i accidentally gliterified them
Courfeyrac: enjolras?
5: 50 PM
Courfeyrac: enjolras?
5:55 PM
From Courfeyrac to Éponine, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: please distract enjolras so he doesnt come to kill me?
Éponine: no
6:00 PM
From Jehan to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Jehan: Courfeyrac, what did you do?
Courfeyrac: that would depend on why youre asking
Jehan: I think you broke Enjolras
6:01 PM
From Courfeyrac to Enjolras, Enjolras’ phone.
Courfeyrac: there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened, enjolras
Enjolras: Not interested.
Courfeyrac: it was an accident
Courfeyrac: but remember how we agreed to dress up as the powerpuff girls for halloween?
Enjolras: No.
Courfeyrac: okay but r was wearing really tight pants that day
Courfeyrac: youd remember otherwise
Enjolras: Courfeyrac.
Courfeyrac: i bought a bottle of glitter for the costumes
Courfeyrac: and I may have gotten it confused with a bottle of laundry detergent
Courfeyrac: and attempted to do laundry using glitter
Courfeyrac: enjolras?
Courfeyrac: are you coming to kill me?
Enjolras: Run.
6:05 PM
From Grantaire to Enjolras, Grantaire’s phone.
Grantaire: are you going to kill courfeyrac
Enjolras: Maybe.
Grantaire: because you look like youre going to kill courfeyrac
Enjolras: Are you stalking me?
Grantaire: i saw you looking murderous from my room when you got back
Grantaire: asshole
Grantaire: but seriously
Grantaire: if youre going to kill courf can i watch?
Enjolras: I’ll even let you help.
Grantaire: perfect
Enjolras: AFTER YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE CONDOMS THE FIRST TIME
Grantaire: i have no idea what you’re talking about
Enjolras: God damn it, Grantaire, my grandmother was the one who found them.
6:07 PM
From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Grantaire’s phone.
Grantaire: where are you
Courfeyrac: im not talking to you
Courfeyrac: it has come to my attention that by telling you i was not talking to you i was in fact talking to you
Courfeyrac: so starting now
Courfeyrac: now im not talking to you i mean
Courfeyrac: not literally
Courfeyrac: as soon as i hit send
Courfeyrac: as soon as i hit send on this message
Courfeyrac: as soon as your phone makes that stupid shwoop noise
Courfeyrac: it’s a really odd noise i wonder who came up with it
Courfeyrac: probably steve jobs
Courfeyrac: you know i never got the whole apple thing
Courfeyrac: like why not bananas?
Courfeyrac: i like bananas
Courfeyrac: they have potassium and are phallic shaped
Courfeyrac: hipsters wouldnt be that into apple products if they were banana products
Courfeyrac: so if you think about it, steve jobs is probably the one to blame for hipsters
Courfeyrac: hes like the nerd that launched a thousand hipsters
Courfeyrac: only with more hipsters
Courfeyrac: but that would ruin my pop culture references
Courfeyrac: shit this was probably steve jobs’ plan all along
Courfeyrac: although i am confused as to why hed want his army to wear shutter shades and skinny jeans
Grantaire: courfeyrac you wear shutter shades and skinny jeans
Courfeyrac: shut up
Grantaire: and hes dead
Courfeyrac: cant i mock him if hes dead?
6:10 PM
From Courfeyrac to Cosette, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: hey youre a good person
Cosette: My answer to that question depends on whether you got arrested for indecent exposure
Cosette: Again
Cosette: Because I do not have money to bail you out again courfeyrac
Courfeyrac: oh ye of little faith
Courfeyrac: i forgot my pants one time
Courfeyrac: why must you all throw that in my face?
Courfeyrac: but thats not the fucking point
Courfeyrac: the point is how long does someone have to be dead for before you can mock them?
Courfeyrac: cosette?
Courfeyrac: cosette youre killing me
Courfeyrac: cosette come on
Courfeyrac: cosette i need you
Courfeyrac: HELP ME OBI WAN KENOBI
Courfeyrac: YOURE MY ONLY HOPE.
Courfeyrac: you would be leia though.
Courfeyrac: does that make marius han?
Courfeyrac: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
6:14 PM
From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.
Courfeyrac: if all of us were in star wars, who do you think id be?
Courfeyrac: i think id be han
Courfeyrac: wait im not talking to you
Courfeyrac: nvm
6:15 PM
Courfeyrac: but think about it.
Courfeyrac: me
Courfeyrac: han solo
Courfeyrac: harrison ford
6:16 PM
From Grantaire to Enjolras, Grantaire’s phone.
Grantaire: so killing him is looking pretty great right now
Enjolras: Again.
Enjolras: Condoms.
Grantaire: whats the big deal?
Enjolras: My grandma found those!!!
Grantaire: well at least she knows youre being safe
Enjolras: Yes, and she then proceeded to give me The Talk.
Grantaire: whats so bad about that?
Enjolras: I had to listen to my grandmother talking about how important it is to please your partner for over thirty minutes.
Grantaire: did she tell you about blowjobs?
Grantaire: because it never hurts to know about blowjobs
Grantaire: it’s an important life skill to have
Enjolras: Who told you I don’t know about blowjobs?
Grantaire: wait what?
Enjolras: What?
Grantaire: i want to know what you know about blowjobs!
Grantaire: tell me all about blowjobs!
Enjolras: Is this really necessary?
Grantaire: BLOWJOBS
Enjolras: CONDOMS FIRST.
Grantaire: …
Enjolras: PLEASE DON’T TAKE THAT OUT OF CONTEXT!
6:19 PM
From Grantaire to Courfeyrac, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Grantaire: i need you to steal Enjolras’ phone
Courfeyrac: i thought you werent talking to me
Grantaire: no that was you
Grantaire: not talking to me
Grantaire: about how youre not talking to me
Grantaire: by talking to me
Grantaire: this is worse than inception
Courfeyrac: WOOOOOOOOOOM
Grantaire: i see you more as chewbacca tho
Courfeyrac: take that back
Courfeyrac: i dont have nearly enough hair for that
Courfeyrac: and even if i did my hair is far superior to chewie’s
Courfeyrac: my hair is far superior to most people’s tbh
Courfeyrac: wait is this why everyone is always courfeyhating?
Courfeyrac: because you all wish you had hair as nice as mine?
Courfeyrac: are you all jealous because one day i shall grow my hair out like merida’s
Courfeyrac: stay single forever
Courfeyrac: let my hair flow in the wind
Courfeyrac: as i ride through the glen
Courfeyrac: firing arrows into the sunset
Grantaire: i worry about you sometimes
6:23 PM
Courfeyrac: but why do i need to steal enjolras’ phone?
Grantaire: are you really asking me this question?
Courfeyrac: im inquisitive
Courfeyrac: sue me
Grantaire: Enjolras may have accidentally offered to give me a blowjob if i brought him condoms
Grantaire: i need you to screenshot our conversation so i can frame if for the future
Grantaire: maybe hang it on my bedroom wall
Grantaire: or put it on the ceiling
Grantaire: right above my bed
Grantaire: so it’s the first thing i see when i wake up
6:30 PM
Grantaire: so will you?
Courfeyrac: did you just touch yourself?
Grantaire: ..
Grantaire: no
Courfeyrac: …
Grantaire: courfeyrac focus
Grantaire: i need all your stealth
Courfeyrac: i am very stealthy
Courfeyrac: cynic grantaire across the hall
Courfeyrac: whos the stealthiest of all
Grantaire: …
Courfeyrac: …
Grantaire: thou, o courfeyrac, art the stealthiest of all
Grantaire: god i hate myself
Grantaire: please just steal the damn phone?
Courfeyrac: whats in it for me
Grantaire: what do you want to be in it for you?
Courfeyrac: say im han solo
Courfeyrac: say im harrison ford
Courfeyrac: say i’m the new harrison ford
Courfeyrac: say im the new better harrison ford
Grantaire: i hate you
Courfeyrac: bc im the new better harrison ford?
Grantaire: bc youre the new better harrison ford
Grantaire: are you happy?
6:32 PM
From Courfeyrac to Combeferre, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: remind me to add ‘my friends like to refer to me as a newer better harrison ford’ to my resume
6:35 PM
From Grantaire to Enjolras, Grantaire’s phone.
Grantaire: you know if ppl were to see our conversation sans context theyd probably get all sorts of ideas
Grantaire: enjolras?
Grantaire: did i break you?
Grantaire: i just mean usually when people send me shit like ‘condoms first’ as a reply to blowjobs sex is going to happen
Enjolras: How can you say things like “sans context” and still use horrible chat-speak?
Enjolras: Excuse me?
Grantaire: you saw nothing
Grantaire: nothing to be seen there
Grantaire: nothing at all
Grantaire: maybe you dreamt it
Grantaire: maybe you hallucinated it
Grantaire: maybe youre about to have a caffeine overdose
Enjolras: Fuck you, I’ve only drank five cups of coffee today.
Grantaire: ooooh thats healthy
Enjolras: That’s rich, coming from you.
Grantaire: youre just jealous because i can actually go through more than two hours without a cup of coffee
6:43 PM
Enjolras: i did it r i have the phone
Enjolras: this is beautiful
Enjolras: you are my idol
Enjolras: i want to marry that conversation
Enjolras: and have its little innuendo babies
Enjolras: fjeoiawf
Enjolras: lkejoqiwppj11204730
Enjolras: random french nonsense
Enjolras: hey
Enjolras: was that french?
Enjolras: this is so
Enjolras: cOOOOOOool
Enjolras: voulez vous coucher
Enjolras: ‘
Enjolras: ‘Mmmmmmm
Grantaire: courfeyrac?
Enjolras: heLO
Enjolras: ‘
Enjolras: !!!!!!!
Enjolras: soooo
Enjolras: how much would you pay me for enjolras selfies?
Enjolras: how much would you pay me for enjolras naked selfies?
Enjolras: help me grantaire hes fjoidmvfngfscmvffnd
Enjolras: joiefvnd vfgewfdcsjnvfecdsn ffsdckx
Enjolras: I will kill you bogeijdsv
Enjolras: eeeeeeeee
Enjolras: Courfeyrac is dead. You are next.
6:57 PM
From Combeferre to everyone, Combeferre’s phone.
Combeferre: You are all grounded.
12:04 PM
From Courfeyrac to Grantaire, Grantaire’s phone.
Courfeyrac: no but really
Courfeyrac: wouldnt i be han solo
12:05 PM
Grantaire: go to bed, courfeyrac
12:35 PM
From Courfeyrac to everyone, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: BUT WHY WERE THERE CONDOMS IN THE FRIDGE?????
12:45 PM
From Courfeyrac to everyone, Courfeyrac’s phone.
Courfeyrac: AND WHY IS THERE ANOTHER CONDOM UNDER MY PILLOW?