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Usnavi was late, which wasn't like him. Of the two of them, it was usually Benny who came strolling in late, apologies already on his tongue for whatever held him up this time. Occasionally he’d spend the whole time walking to wherever they were meeting coming up with increasingly elaborate reasons for him to be late. Sometimes he would just shrug, saying with a wry tone, “Being late is just who I am as a person .”
And Usnavi would smile indulgently, like he'd expected this all along, and wave off his excuses with a laugh, making him promise to pay for their next drink to make it up to him. They always alternated paying, regardless of his lateness.
A small smile crossed his face at the idea of finally flipping the script, wondering if maybe Usnavi would also come up with an outrageously false tale of why he was late.
Benny glanced down at his phone, re-reading the text from Usnavi he'd gotten earlier that day, double-checking the time and then his watch. He was here at the right time, then. He hadn't expected the request to meet up at the club, especially not this late at night. They hadn't been here much since the fight the night of the blackout a few years back and when Usnavi closed the bodega for the night, he usually liked to head some place quiet, somewhere to relax.
With a small shrug to himself, he pocketed his phone, sure that Usnavi would explain once he showed up. Maybe he just needed to let off some steam after a tough day, or maybe he had something to celebrate. Benny would know soon enough, he was sure.
Glancing around, he spotted Usnavi arriving, waved at him to get his attention and smiled wide, glad to see him even if he had just gotten coffee at his bodega earlier that morning. It was always a rush in the morning, even now that he had his own cab service to run. His early morning runs to the bodega had gotten shorter, less time to hang out with his friend now that he had a business to run, rather than being one of Kevin’s employees.
Which put Benny in the odd position of occasionally finding himself missing Usnavi, even when having just seen him earlier that day. He was his best friend, had been so for a long time now, and Benny had come to depend on the time they spent together. Like tonight, whatever plans Usnavi may have for them.
As he drew closer, Benny could tell something was off with the way Usnavi was carrying himself. And as he moved to stand next to him at the bar, his suspicions were confirmed.
Usnavi slipped his hands into his front pockets, shifting forward a little nervously. There were some in the barrio who thought that Usnavi was simply nervous all the time, but Benny had spent years at his side, knew this wasn't true. He could get flustered, certainly, awkward at times, anxious in others. Benny knew those moments well. Well enough that he could see it, know it without Usnavi needing to tell him.
Not in words, anyway.
He told him in the way his voice pitched up, the way his words came out faster when he tried to explain things. He told him in the way he held his shoulders, curled just a little inward, as though trying to hide himself, make himself smaller than how he felt inside. Those moments, those tells, Benny had filed away in his mind, somewhere deep where he secretly hoarded all the information he'd learned about Usnavi over the years.
Which was a lot. Years and years of memories, of
memorizing
, of being his best friend had taught Benny more about Usnavi than he'd let on, than he'd ever admit to knowing, if asked.
Enough to know that he was rarely as nervous as the way he seemed now. Something, a different emotion, one that Benny, for all his time spent watching Usnavi, couldn't identify, flickered across his face. Whatever it was, Usnavi had never looked at him that way before.
For a second, in the low light of the club, Benny almost could have sworn that it was the way that he had looked at Vanessa, all those years ago. The light, the hope, the longing. Before he could look again, the expression was gone, replaced by the slight downturn of his lips, the raising of his eyebrows; Usnavi was nervous, still, but trying to hide it, doing his best to project a casual expression.
Benny couldn't tell if that expression had ever been there or if he'd simply spent enough time wishing he'd see it turned in his direction that any stray emotion on Usnavi's face became love. God, he’d been pining too long.
And quiet too long, it seems. Usnavi had arrived a few minutes ago and Benny had yet to say a word, instead spending his time staring. Amusement filled Benny to see that he was looking at him with concern, trying to tell if he were drunk already.
He knocked back the shot in front of him, only his second of the night, and finally greeted Usnavi, nodding at him with a smile and saying, “So, why the club? It's not our usual haunt.” He kept his tone light, friendly, curious.
“Wanted a drink tonight,” Usnavi responded simply, easily, some of the tension melting from his frame as he flashed Benny a quick smile.
Seeing the truth in that statement, he nodded, waving down the bartender to order them both a shot. Benny slammed the shot back, relishing in the slight burn of the alcohol as it poured down his throat, trying not to stare at the way Usnavi's head tipped back, at the line of his neck as he downed his own shot.
The two of them sat in together in comfortable silence for a moment more, the pounding music of the club behind them barely registering in the bubble they had created for themselves.
Nerves began to show on Usnavi’s face again and Benny waited a few seconds more, trying to judge whether he was going to start speaking on his own.
No, it seemed, from the way Usnavi swallowed, eyes darting to Benny and away to the dance floor a few times. He’d seen this before, of course. Usnavi wanted to say something, but needed some prompting to get it out.
Opening his mouth to ask, Benny didn't get a single word out before he was cut off by a shout coming from the dance floor, someone drunkenly yelling the lyrics to a song that he wasn't sure he'd ever heard before. He glanced back at Usnavi expecting to see the same amusement he was feeling.
Instead, it seemed that shutters had been drawn over Usnavi's eyes, mouth pinched shut tightly, annoyed. A sigh left him and he looked around warily, as though only noticing now how very crowded the club had become.
“Let’s get out of here?” Benny suggested, throwing down the money to cover the tab and to tip the bartender well. A glance over at Usnavi told him now wouldn’t be the time to rib him, even gently, about making him pay because he was the one who was late this time. A shame, really, since Benny wasn’t sure when he’d get the opportunity next. But his best friend was looking almost pinfully out of place amidst the other club-goers, and nodding his head silently towards the door, he placed his hand on Usnavi's elbow, keeping him close as they made their way out.
The club wasn't so crowded, perhaps, that it was entirely necessary, but Usnavi looked at him gratefully so he didn't think he could be blamed for not letting go, for tightening his grip just a little, giving him a reassuring squeeze.
Silence lingered between the two of them once they were outside, falling into step with each other seamlessly, walking the same route to Bennett Park that they'd always taken without even discussing it first.
Usnavi’s text inviting him to the club in the first place had said that he had something he wanted to talk about, and Benny was nearly going to ask about it, but as they drew ever nearer to the park, the tension began creeping back into Usnavi's shoulders and his breathing became more deliberate, an attempt at keeping calm.
Whatever it was, Benny wasn't going to push about it for now. The quiet lasted even as they both sat down on the park bench, Benny leaning back comfortably but keeping a close eye on Usnavi.
The dark of the night was illuminated by the streetlights, the glowing signs, the headlights of passing cars on the nearby streets. Still the silence stretched on.
Knocking his knee against Usnavi's, Benny said, voice soft, a gentle expression on his face, “You know you can tell me, little homie.”
Confusion lined Usnavi’s face before he huffed out a laugh, more exhale than anything and shook his head. “Should have known you'd notice.” For the second time in one night, something he didn't recognize flashed behind Usnavi's eyes. Something gentle, but cautious. As though he’d been hoping Benny would notice, but not sure what it meant that he did, that he always had, always would. And it was again replaced by an anxious expression, but this time Usnavi nodded, a genuine but almost frail smile on his face.
Benny tamped down on the fluttering in his chest, his rebellious heart trying to break free. “Of course I did, ‘Navi. You're my best friend. I'm gonna notice when something's up with you.” Even if he hadn't been studying everything about Usnavi for years, Benny thought, his nerves would have been obvious enough tonight.
Usnavi took a deep breath and exhaled. Again. Again. As though each time he planned on saying something this time and then losing his nerve.
With concern, Benny leaned a bit closer, putting his hand on Usnavi’s shoulder. Usnavi looked not at him, but at his hand, blinking at it as if not processing his touch.
He still wasn't meeting his eyes, still staring instead at his hand on his shoulder when he admitted, voice hoarse, as though the words were being forced from deep inside him reluctantly, “I’m gay.”
It was a whisper, but Benny heard it clearly in the silence between them.
He drew in a sharp breath, hope coursing wildly through his chest, through his veins. That same breath left him in a shuddering exhale and he let his hand drop from Usnavi's shoulder in shock.
As soon as his touch was gone, utter heartbreak and desperation filled Usnavi's eyes, unguarded and raw. Regret filled Benny instantly, knowing what he must have thought, losing his touch right after that admission, and he quickly reached out to grab his hand, lacing their fingers together.
“Like I said, little homie,” just as quiet as Usnavi had been, as intimate, like this in and of itself was a confession, “you're my best friend.” He wanted to say more, to give voice to the millions of thoughts and hopes and dreams running through his head but he didn't have the words, so he let his statement hang there, wrapping his fingers tighter around Usnavi's hand.
And there, just there, was that expression again. The same one from back in the club that had set his heart racing in his chest. Something lovely and pure and real in the way Usnavi's eyes shone bright, in the soft way his lips curled up, open just slightly.
Slowly, so slowly, Benny raised their joined hands to his lips, keeping eye contact with Usnavi as he pressed a kiss to the back of his hand. He let go only to cup his face, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
“ Benny ,” Usnavi's voice was a drawn out, shaky exhale, filled with confusion and wonder and little bit of fear. “Are- are you...”
“Yeah,” he whispered in turn, stroking the pads of his thumbs over Usnavi's cheeks. “Yeah. It's always been you.” Benny leaned in, resting his forehead against Usnavi’s as he closed his eyes, breathing in having him so close.
Headlights passed by in his periphery and he drew in a shuddering breath, reminded of where they were, what they were doing. If he’d learned anything from Julio and José, it was that when the barrio got wind of this sort of thing, and began talking, they talked.
And Benny didn’t want that, not when everything was so tender and new between them. Standing up, keeping their hands intertwined, the two of them started off towards Usnavi’s apartment.