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Dinner that night was a simple joy. It was hard to believe that ordinary ingredients like chicken, peas, and carrots could make something delicious like a chicken pot pie. When the timer beeped, Grandmother Maria shuffled slowly towards the oven. Pulling down the door and checking the pot pies. Leaning her nose a little closer into the heat, breathing in the buttery scent of the crust. Donning on a kitchen mitt, Maria delicately balanced the pie pan and placed it on the counter by the sink. The savory wafts were enough to lure Licht from his bedroom. His hair pulled back into a bun with two chopsticks sticking out. A fashion statement of some sort, but it actually for a hair tutorial. His glasses fogged up as soon as he got close enough to sniff the pot pies.
Slight drool running down his mouth, and he affectionately asked his grandmother if he could take a little nibble. Maria had one of her chuckles. Her movements stiff, but Maria managed to open the drawers and gather some forks and spoons for tonight’s meal. After helping his grandmother set the table, Licht went through the back door by the kitchen, whistling for Shadow and Blinky. If Shadow came, Blinky was soon to follow. If Blinky came, Adele wasn’t too far behind. Like clockwork, everyone came to the back door. Shadow, followed by Blinky, and followed by Adele. Twigs caught in her hair and her little dress had seen better days without mud.
Licht teased that he was going to hose Adele off, and the little girl hid behind Shadow. Offering Blinky as a sacrifice. The fluffy chicken reared her head back, prepared to peck if Licht’s hand got too close to the outdoor hose.
“You’re so easy to tease.” Licht rubbed his nose with his knuckles, a familiar smile capturing Adele’s gaze. Licht crouched down, standing on his tippy toes and with arms stretched out. Adele ran into the embrace, and Licht simply scooped her up and took her inside. Shadow wagged his bushy tail as he followed after them, and Blinky clucked her way in. Bobbing her head and wiping her little feet on the place mat. Pecking Shadow when he didn’t do the same.
Already, Maria had the drinks out. Cranberry for herself, water for Licht, a juice box for Adele, and a sports drink for Leonhard. Speaking of Leonhard, where was the boy? While Maria helped wash Adele’s hands, Licht texted Leonhard. Dinner. Where are you? No response. It always took Leonhard a few minutes to respond back, but Adele needed to eat early to sleep early. She had a little choir concert tomorrow and speaking of that, Leonhard had to show up. The basketball maniac couldn’t use practice as an excuse this time. Licht tried calling, but Leonhard didn’t pick up. Where was his older brother? Today was Wednesday, jogging day. When did Leonhard leave? About an hour ago. It was getting dark. He was probably by the corner.
Out on the front porch with the dancing fireflies, Licht waited. Surfing on his phone, commenting to a few people who enjoyed his makeup tutorials. Scrolling back and forth across his feed, answering a few questions along the way. Dispelling haters, the usual. Licht clipped his glasses at the front of his t-shirt, chin rested over his palm. Scanning the corner of the street before it rounded into another neighborhood. Right on cue, familiar footsteps approached. By now, Licht recognized his brother’s jogging footsteps. Turning on his phone’s torch light, Licht flashed it into Leonhard’s eyes as the athlete sprinted the last few meters and collapsed into the front yard. Rubbing grass stains across his stomach and knees.
“You need to stop running shirtless.” Licht came over and nudged Leonhard with his flipflop. “You’re going to get skin cancer.”
“You get cancer from everything,” Leonhard mumbled, fanning himself with his hands. Light-headed, Leonhard wiped back his bangs. Feeling his heartbeat, counting it, and punching his fist into the air. Licht wiped off the bit of sweat that splashed onto him.
“Grandma made chicken pot pie.”
“Did she?”
Licht scratched the top of his nose with his middle finger. “Look, you’re already late for dinner, and we’ve been waiting. Come on.” Licht reached his hand out, and Leonhard took it. Even though his older brother was gross and sweaty, and Licht wrapped Leonhard’s arm over his shoulder so that the athlete had some support as he shuffled up the patio steps and into the house. Licht plucked the sweat towel from the coat rack and tossed it over Leonhard’s head. Yanking off the dirty shoes and socks was a challenge, but it was the least Licht could do while Leonhard was out of it. The air conditioner felt so good over his skin, clearing the fog in the athlete’s mind when he smelled the chicken pot pie in the kitchen.
Maria was cutting some apples for dessert while Adele mused on her iPad. Pulling up a webcam chat with Kai and Bruno, those eccentric university students.
“Hi Kai! Hi Bruni!” Adele waved and showed them tonight’s dinner.
“All of you eat like royals when we’re not around,” Bruno teased, showcasing a ramen cup that he was finishing. In the background, Kai was boiling water for his third serving.
“Royalty? Please. It’s home-cooking.” Licht stood behind Adele, giving a cheery salute to his older brothers. Managing to hide his smile when he saw the ramen cups, but Bruno called him out on that. You couldn’t hide anything from Bruno.
“Adele, are you eating your veggies?” Kai popped up from behind Bruno, holding a carrot up close to the camera. Adele nodded, claiming that she was eating more veggies now because Kai wasn’t at home to remind her. That was enough to make Kai smile. Just simple joys like that were enough. Adele even promised that she was going to start eating onions by the time Kai and Bruno come back for the holidays.
“Onions are different. Are you sure you can handle it?”
“If onions are like carrots, I’m sure I can do it, Bruni!” Adele mimed herself snapping a carrot with her teeth, and Kai and Bruno applauded at that.
“Fun and all, but how’s university kickin’ y’all?” Licht rested his chin on top of Adele’s head as Bruno mentioned a few classes and some homework that he was finishing. Kai was quiet, but he showed a few notes that he took. Meanwhile, Leonhard finished his first glass of sports drink and was pouring himself another. Looking through the fridge for his favorite kind while Maria placed the bowl of apples at the center of the kitchen table. Looking at the iPad screen and reminiscing of how small Kai and Bruno used to be but now, they were big boys at a university.
“It felt like only yesterday when you two first came home from the hospital.” Dabbing her eyes softly, Maria sighed before interrogating her grandsons. Were they eating okay? How were their studies? Were they making friends?
Leonhard heard it all as he took his seat at the table. Bruno greeted his little brother, asking Leonhard how was basketball? The boy merely shrugged as he poked his pot pie with a fork. Not much, there was a game coming up and the coaches were working them hard. The usual.
“Keep it up, Leonhard. I’m sure you’ll get into a good university with a sports scholarship.”
“Whatever.” Leonhard barely looked at Bruno as he carved himself a bite of pot pie. Dinner was held off long enough, so the webcam call ended early and everyone ate. Squishy peas gushed in Leonhard’s mouth, but he was past the age of spitting out his food. Maria worked really hard on making this dinner, so Leonhard guzzled down the greens and carrots and savored the chicken and pie crust last. Licht waved his fork while he talked, gushing about how he met another milestone on his YouTube channel. Wondering what kind of video he should do next to celebrate.
Maria suggested a vlog so that Licht can be comfortable with his fans. Adele munched through her peas and carrots before reminding Licht that she had a choir concert tomorrow evening. Upload a video of that. Not a bad idea.
“What do you think, Leo?” Licht asked.
Leonhard pushed back his seat, gathered his plate and utensils, and placed them in the sink.
“I’m really tired so I’m going to shower first. Okay?”
“Have some apples, sweetie.” Maria picked up the fruit bowl, but Leonhard shook his head. He had some homework to finish. Math stuff. He wore an apologetic look before escaping up to the bathroom. Closing the door softly and Leonhard’s face fell back to its usual look. Pursed lips and a dazed look. The sweat towel, that hung over his shoulders, slipped onto the tile floor as Leonhard splashed water up to his face. He wiped the mirror with his hand and really looked at himself.
Was that an athlete staring back at him or something less? A few years left before college, was he even ready? There were so many things to do. Prep essays, prep classes, and figuring out what he wanted to do. At any given moment, did someone know what they really wanted to do? Or, did someone influence them? When Leonhard was a freshman, he wanted to be a basketball player. Swish in points and hear the audience chant his name when things got tight. His career-planning teacher told him to pick something reasonable. What if he got hurt? What if he tore a muscle and had to be benched? What would he do then?
Leonhard looked into his reflection's eyes. Were those the eyes of an athlete or a child? In all honestly, Leonhard just saw himself. He just saw a sweaty teen who needed to sleep more. The whole idea of being able to see a person’s soul through their eyes was a lie. Leonhard saw nothing. He felt nothing. Leonhard took a shower and climbed into his bed without drying his hair. Staring at the sports posters lined across his walls.
Kai was an athlete during high school, but now he was studying to be a vet. Bruno was a star tennis player He originally joined the club to be a student manager, but he ended up being one of the best players because of a chance opportunity. Now, Bruno was following under Father’s footsteps, majoring into business. Learning the ropes behind the marketing field. Father took photography classes during high school, and he used bits of what he learned to be a successful marketer on his company’s team.
Here was Leonhard. He had something that he was passionate about, but what did he want to do? Frankly, it was kind of shitty that school forced students to figure out their lives so early in the game. This was the age where teens were discovering themselves, and now they had to decipher their future. Bullshit.
Leonhard pinched his wrist. He needed to stop cursing. What if he muttered something and Adele started using the word? Even though Lict was younger than him, the boy would have Leonhard’s head displayed on his YouTube channel if Adele ever learned a curse word. Being mounted for display was nowhere close to Leonhard’s preferred future, and he wanted to keep it that way. But even so, what was he going to do? He didn’t know who he wanted to be.
“Leo?” Licht opened the door. Leonhard hid under his blanket, and Licht simply rolled his eyes. “I see you half-naked every time you finish a jog. Seeing you in clothes doesn’t faze me anymore.”
“You knock and ask for permission before you barge in.” Leonhard poked his head out from under his blanket. Licht sat on the edge of the bed, curling his bangs with his finger.
“Yeah, but you’re not the type of person that closes the door.” Licht glanced down at his brother. His glasses slid down to the tip of his nose as those bright blue eyes glistened behind curled bangs. “What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“Adele has a concert tomorrow. Gonna show up?” Before Leonhard could respond, Licht grabbed his brother’s wrist. Despite how fruity Licht looked most of the time, the boy had a tough grip and a strong arm to match. Yanking Leonhard up with ease. “If you tell me you have practice--”
“I don’t.”
“Adele wants you there.”
Leonhard met Licht’s gaze, sharply. The younger brother wasn’t looking at Leonhard anymore. Inspecting his nails and admiring them under the bedroom light.
“She joined choir because you inspired her to keep singing.”
“I don’t sing.”
“You sucked at basketball, but that didn’t stop you from getting better,” Licht mumbled. “The point is: Maybe instead of going through teenage angst or whatever, start noticing the people around you. Pull your head up and find something to be happy about. Okay?”
Those words danced around in Leonhard’s mind, but the athlete managed to sink back into reality. Just in time to catch the basketball that Licht passed to him from the other side of the room. In Licht’s weird way, he tried to help. However, this crisis juggling in Leonhard’s head wasn’t teenage angst. He wasn’t lashing out at anybody. He wasn’t purposely causing others to feel sorry for him. Leonhard just needed to practice. Train more and be the best athlete and older brother that he knew that he could be. That wasn’t teenage angst. This was growing up. More responsibilities, more thoughts about the future, and more time to discover who you were.
Licht was still kind of young, but he needed to think about these things too. It didn’t matter about how many subscribers he had on YouTube. Licht needed to work hard and study well instead of screwing around for an invisible audience. As his older brother, Leonhard felt that he needed to do something. Didn’t Bruno or Kai ever felt like this? Come to think of it, Kai was sort of aloof about his future and he wanted his siblings to have the freedom to discover and learn things on their own. And if they had a question, Kai would alway be there to answer to the best of his ability. Bruno was a little different, but he acknowledged that if you did what you had to do, you’ll know what you want to do. Leonhard didn’t know what to do.
He wanted to be an athlete, but people were telling him to be reasonable. So, Leonhard tried. He tried to find something that interested him. Math was a bore, science was a hit-or-miss when it came to jobs, anything literature-related or anything that dealt with humanities was a lost cause, and wearing a stuffy suit for a business meeting didn’t suit Leonhard. He thought about joining the army, marines, or being a pilot. He thought about risking his own life to save so many more, but a selfish part of him wanted to keep living. What should he do?
Would Kai or Bruno understand him? He doubted that his Grandmother would. Maria was from a totally different generation. What she dealt with as a teen was vastly different from today’s youth, and Leonhard would just find himself in never-ending circles if he asked. What about his Father? No, his Father was busy with work. Leonhard knew better than to distract him, but he needed someone to talk to. Not Adele, she was too young. Not Shadow, he was a dog. Not Blinky, she was a chicken. Any trusted adults? Leonhard had his coaches, but he wasn’t on good terms with them at the moment. Since he was doing poorly in Math, he had to miss afternoon practices in order to take tutoring sessions. Education was important, but the team was important too.
Leonhard was the Ace. He was putting down the team, and he tried so hard to do better but the grades kept slipping. By now, the coaches were probably debating whether or not let him go. And if he was cut, what would he do then? Leonhard had no interest in other sports, so should he keep running. Keep training every other day even though there was no team or coach to see his progress? What kind of life was that? Life was so...weird.
Leonhard didn’t manage to sleep that. He got a few winks in, but his eyes were red in the morning. His Grandmother was concerned, asking Leonhard if he wanted to stay home to get more rest. Adele promised that she would sing her hardest during tonight’s concert so that Leonhard would feel better. Leonhard cracked a smile before sipping orange juice. Stiff as a board when Licht came into the kitchen. The boy chirped that he couldn’t wait to see little Adele sing. Adele sang a small preview, and Licht whistled and cheered. Leonhard managed to loosen up as he ate some toast.
“Now you take a good nap, sweetheart. I’ll come up with soup and crackers a little later, okay? Just get better for us.” Maria kissed Leonhard’s forehead and helped him up the stairs. In the end, Leonhard helped his Grandmother up the stairs. Maria leaned against Leonhard’s doorway while the latter curled under his blanket. “Do you need some water?” Leonhard shook his head. “Do you need the heating pad?” Leonhard shook his head. Maria thought of some more things, and Leonhard shook his head at all of them.
“I’m going to take my nap now,” Leonhard mumbled.
“Okay, Leonhard. We all hope you get better.”
“Grandma?”
“Hmm?”
This was Leonhard’s chance. He had to ask his Grandmother, but was he going to word this? Why was talking so hard? Just a few words. Just a question, but Leonhard’s throat closed up. He couldn’t say anything. Licking his lips, Leonhard shook his head before resting it over his pillow. His Grandmother closed the door softly, leaving Leonhard all alone. A few minutes later, Leonhard heard footsteps approaching his door.
“I know you’re not sick.” It was Licht’s voice. “Look, you probably think that I don’t know what I’m talking about. You probably think I don’t understand.” A crack in his voice. “I’ve learned from experience that hiding what bothers you hurts so much more than talking about it. Just throwing that out there.”
With that, Licht was gone. The kid really did have a strange way of helping. So, what did Leonhard want to do? Perhaps, what could he do? He could just stay in bed, pretend to be sick and show up at Adele’s choir concert with a fake smile. Or maybe, he can go run. Whenever Leonhard was lost, running...Somehow, it made his thoughts clear. Somehow, he was able to understand where he was coming from and why he was acting the way he did. About an hour later, Leonhard slipped out of the house when his siblings were gone and when his Grandmother was distracted by the TV. Quickly tossing a paper airplane-note into the kitchen so that Maria would know where her grandson was out jogging.
Slipping into his shoes, Leonhard went out. It didn’t matter where he was going, but the journey was good enough. These quick feet took Leonhard all around the city. Through neighborhoods, by schools, through parks, and along restaurants. With the loose change he had in his shorts, Leonhard bought himself an energy drink and a packet of jerky. Enjoying the light meal on the side before continuing his run. At some point during the day, his body was on autopilot. Slowing down, Leonhard allowed himself to think.
Who did he want to be? For sure, he wanted to be Leonhard. Just Leonhard. Deep down in these twisted thoughts, running was the one escape-line Leonhard could trust. It was a simple joy that only family and love could replace. Other than that, as long as Leonhard could run, he could go anywhere. Be anywhere in the world if he wanted to. Without running, it was as if someone chipped a piece of him off. Now, how could he translate running into a job? Leonhard knew that he couldn’t run forever. It was impossible because sometimes, you wanted to stop and admire the roses. Sort of cliche, but this extended-jog did take Leonhard back to school. Classes were out. Buses took off and afternoon activities galore. Leonhard had an hour or two before going home, so he decided to go to stop by for a bit.
It was a miracle that no one stopped him. Leonhard would’ve stopped anyone that looked like him, but he looked like someone from track and field. Weren’t track and field on a road-detour today? Possibly . Lady Luck was on his side, so Leonhard took a chance. If he had gone to school today, his lunch period would’ve been crammed with Math equations and scenarios. His pissed-off teacher hovering over his shoulder, wondering where he failed in his teaching. Sorry but not-sorry to the teacher, however; Leonhard was in one of his strange moods. Something about today’s run made him... almost happy. As if he was able to successfully escape from his feelings. In that case, attending a thirty minute tutor session before going home wasn’t a hassle.
Trooping upstairs, Leonhard rubbed his shoes together when he stopped in front of a Math classroom. This wasn’t his teacher’s classroom, but Leonhard was sure that whoever was on the other side was probably kind enough to help out a failing student. He knocked.
A soft voice called out, “Come in.”
Leonhard looked around when he got inside. Unlike the other classrooms, this one had a legit chalkboard with equations and cute little magnets to hold up unnamed work. There were a few punny signs up, and almost every teacher had a few for wandering eyes. At first, Leonhard thought he was alone until he noticed a little boy behind the teacher’s desk. The kid looked up at him, a flip phone in his hands. Oh God, please don’t call the cops on me. Leonhard approached the boy slowly, meaning no harm.
“Is your Dad or your Mom here?”
The little boy pouted. When Leonhard got closer, he realized that the “little boy” wore a vest and tie with some slacks. A little name tag clipped right next to his tie. Mr. Heine Wittgenstein. Leonhard squinted. Wait a minute... Mister? No, this was a joke.This kid was the...
Mr. Wittgenstein tilted his glasses up and scooted his seat towards Leonhard. The student held back a laugh. The poor teach could barely touch the floor with his toes. As if he heard Leonhard, Mr. Wittgenstein commented, “I’m a grown man, and I could easily be your father.”
That slapped some sense into Leonhard as the boy shrunk a bit to meet the teacher. “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”
“You must be Leonhard.” Mr. Wittgenstein hopped off his seat, head hovering just below Leonhard’s belly button. Damn, was this real a grown man?! The Math teacher reached out for a handshake and out of the goodness of Leonhard’s heart, he shook the Mr. Wittgenstein’s hand with two fingers. Okay, he didn’t want to smear his sweat onto the teach. That would be rude, but Leonhard could’ve handled the situation better. Look at him. He was just a sweaty teen who bothered to put on a shirt before he ran this morning. And here he was, sweating bullets in front of a very short Math teacher.
“I’m here to makeup a tutoring session,” Leonhard mumbled. “I was sick today.”
A glare from the classroom lights reflected off of Mr. Wittgenstein’s glasses. “You seem very healthy if you ran here.”
“Figured that I should show up for a quick lecture.” Unsure of where to sit, Leonhard sat on the floor. Mr. Wittgenstein flipped through some papers left behind by Leonhard’s Math teacher. Eyebrow raised at the interesting score on a recent test. Leonhard fidgeted. “I didn’t do good on that one.”
“Were you nervous?”
Best to change the subject. “Why are there letters in Math? If I wanted letters, I could’ve-- you know …” Leonhard’s voice trailed off. What he was doing? He came here by choice to get tutored. Now Mr. Wittgenstein probably thought he was an angsty teen. Damn it. However, Mr. Wittgenstein went along with it, folding his arms and lost in thought.
“I often ask myself that same question. Why do we introduce a challenge to something we’re already used to? I guess that’s the definition of a ‘challenge’.” Mr. Wittgenstein showed Leonhard his grade, and the boy averted his eyes. Another poor score to add to the list. “You did a good job.”
Does he need a stronger prescription?!
“You’ve improved since the last test by fifteen points. That’s a victory.”
“A poor victory,” Leonhard spat out. “I didn’t know what I was doing.”
“Really?” Mr. Wittgenstein asked Leonhard a few simple questions. He asked Leonhard what would be his first approach to the solution, and Leonhard rolled his eyes. He gave his answers, but they were probably all wrong. At least now Mr. Wittgenstein will have a better sense of who he was dealing with. Expecting a letdown, Leonhard perked up for a peculiar surprise. “If you applied that same thinking to this test, your score could’ve been in the eighties.” There was nothing dishonest in Mr. Wittgenstein’s tone.
“Teach, you gave me simple questions.”
“Whether the problem is hard or easy, it all boils down to a simple solution.” Mr. Wittgenstein flipped through Leonhard’s test and showed the boy where he went wrong. “From what I could see, most of your mistakes are simple ones. A forgotten variable, forgetting the negative sign, and mixing up one formula for another. These are common mistakes that can be fixed and for the most part, you are aware of what you’re doing.” Watching Leonhard, Mr. Wittgenstein added, “You’re not stupid.”
“Who said I was?” Leonhard blurted out.
“I think that person would be you,” Mr. Wittgenstein said, simply.
“Why would I--?”
“Because I imagine that you sometimes call yourself those negative terms in order to justify your failures.” There was nothing cynical about Mr. Wittgenstein’s tone. Almost as if he was speaking as a friend than an impartial teacher.
“How would you know that?”
A quick whistle escaped between Mr. Wittgenstein’s teeth. “I used to think like that when I was younger, so it stuck around.”
“I don’t think you would be hired as a teacher if you were stupid,” Leonhard commented.
Mr. Wittgenstein shrugged. “I don’t like using that word. ‘Stupid’ has the impact that it has because society associates it to failure. However, failures often teach us the best lessons that aren’t covered in a classroom.”
“So teachers are like students then?” Where was Mr. Wittgenstein going with this example?
“I think we’re all students, no matter the occupation. That’s the mystery behind growing up. There’ll always be something that you won’t understand, so you ask others for their viewpoint on the problem ahead.”
“Let’s just say that this problem can influence your future. What then?” Leonhard watched Mr. Wittgenstein carefully.
“Have a plan. If something fails, have an alternative to fall back on.”
Definitely not the answer Leonhard was looking for, but it was better than the others he had heard in his past. Leonhard ended up having a discussion about careers with Mr. Wittgenstein. Freaking out when he realized that he wasted the Math teacher’s precious time around an hour later. Mr. Wittgenstein didn’t mind. He was happy that he helped Leonhard’s problem in some way but as a teacher, Mr. Wittgenstein suggested that Leonhard should talk with his family about this. Be open with them and let them know about these things. More chances that not, Leonhard probably knew someone who went through the exact same thing when they were young.