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His hands burned from battle, callous and sore, overused limbs aching with each clash of the scratched keyblades, metal striking metal endlessly. His veins had long since pumped with adrenaline yet he didn’t falter, hands quick to raise in a block or downward strike if needed, though he still hadn’t gotten used to the blade in favour of his twin chakrams. The heavy, awkward thing that was a keyblade didn’t quite twist in his hands like he was used to, and he’d broken many windows trying to adapt.
He absent-mindedly wondered how Roxas had ever easily wielded two of the godforsaken things.
It was well into the early hours of the morning, the stars twinkling against the dark night sky when they were interrupted by the three fairies, surprised that they were even awake, never mind sparring. More often than not they’d not get caught, finding the sun had risen before they stopped.
They were quick to shoo them out of the training room despite their many protests.
If anything, Axel was disappointed. He liked the distraction, and he had to admit that Kairi was a rather interesting sparring partner. At first she moved clumsily, focusing her attacks on brute power and easily getting struck down or knocked off balance. With each session she appeared to take note and analyse his moves, transferring it into her own, becoming quick and nimble yet able to pack a punch.
While Axel liked to train as a distraction, it was clear Kairi wanted to be better. It was no secret that she was often left behind due to inexperience. It was hard to miss how dejected she’d appear when Sora or Riku left on another mission, though she’d always want to spring into training, pushing herself harder to prove just how capable she was the minute she’d be given a chance.
It was easy to see how they could get lost in sparring when they were so alike, so in sync, yet so different. In another life he could imagine them as best friends. It was a shame that he hadn’t always been on their side.
Reluctantly Axel summoned a portal for the two to walk through, taking Kairi’s hand as they traversed back to Destiny Islands. Yen Sid didn’t vouch much for his preferred use of travel but he wasn’t quite ready to revert to gummi ships and walking.
Not when he could just use a tiny bit of darkness to move around.
After a stretch of silence between the two, nothing but the crash of the waves filling his ears, he bid Kairi goodnight and decided to take a walk along the beach before heading back to his empty abode. Kairi instantly noticed something was wrong, her expression giving that much away, but didn’t pry. She knew he needed his space.
The gentle sway of the breeze always did help to numb his thoughts.
Tonight they weren’t exactly quiet. Like always, they revolved around a blonde that was no longer by his side, an empty set of numb space. If he closed his eyes, he could just imagine the kid smiling along next to him, sea salt ice cream in hand, their worries few to none.
Nothing but an illusion, as always. The soft spikes he’d crave between his fingers were just a figment of his imagination, the scarred skin nothing but a reflection of his own.
Maybe that’s why he’d cling to his newfound friendship with Kairi so much. She reminded him of something, or someone, he’d long forgotten, the memories stashed deep under where he couldn’t quite reach, nor begin to remember what he’d forgotten. Just like Sora held a faint glimmer of Roxas’ soul, he could sense the same within Kairi, a tiny spark of something he didn’t even know existed.
Not that he’d know if the knowledge presented itself. It was quite possible the memory was best left forgotten, stashed deep where it could neither cause pain or happiness . Sometimes, lying in bed with nothing but the moonlight to illuminate his surroundings and his breathing to keep him company, he wished those treasured memories with Roxas were forgotten too. Maybe then he’d stop berating himself over something that was long dead and gone.
Roxas was long gone. He should’ve gotten that into his thick skull by now. He’d done the right thing, done what needed to be done and accepted his true self while doing so.
Roxas was never supposed to exist in the first place. Surely that should be enough for Axel to just let him go. He needed to let him go.
Thoughts of the blonde were practically tearing him apart.
It wasn’t long before he found himself standing outside his small little cottage, one that had been kindly gifted to him. He had no home in Radiant Garden any more. Saïx was his enemy now, his once best friend a pawn of Xehanort’s game. He was like a Nobody all over again, in some ways. Lost, with no purpose, nothing to really keep him grounded.
Swimming deep in his thoughts again Axel missed the fact that his door was unlocked and the lights inside were lit, a faint source of magic shimmering through the air. As his eyes cleared and surroundings settled in, his eyes laid on the intruder and his breath caught in his throat.
The familiarity shocked his brain out of any coherent words, eyes taking in every detail he could out of fear he would dissipate in front of his eyes, a shimmering vision his desperate mind made up out of loneliness. He wouldn’t doubt it.
“... Roxas?”
The boy cocked his head to the side, frowning slightly, his blonde spikes shifting slightly as he did so. “ Uh, no, sorry. My name’s Ventus. Though Sora did mention you might refer to me as... Roxas? … You’re not the only one. ”
Axel shook his head to the side, closing the gap between them two with a couple quick strides. “You look… exactly...” His eyebrows furrowed, taking an unsteady breath as his mind tried to catch up, to make sense of this situation. “I...”
In retrospect he shouldn’t have reacted the way he was about to. He was desperate, lonely, the image of Roxas sending each of his emotions into overdrive and all he could think about was him, standing there right in front of his own eyes and breathing and talking-
His desperate lips crashed against Ventus’, hard, seeking any solace he could in trying to numb the ache that just wouldn’t leave. Surprisingly the boy didn’t take long to register what was happening and began to reciprocate the action, their tongues clashing together in a spur of heat, arms twisting over his neck and legs straddling and god even their heights are the same-
Axel broke the kiss, eyes wide and panicked, beginning to cloud up with unshed tears at the emotions which were running through his head. He was panting, partly because of their brief exchange but also because it was just too much.
“You’re not… the same...” His expression turned distressful, blue eyes staring back at him, sorrowful and full of pity. Roxas used to have the same look.
Without a word he shoved Ventus away, quite abruptly, and disappeared into a portal behind him, darkness seeping around his being, mirroring his pain. He exited seconds later at the one place he could just think.
The clock tower.
As always the sun was setting against the hills, multi-hued clouds floating by in the slight breeze. It had a calm, tranquil setting, the complete opposite to what Axel was experiencing. He couldn’t breathe, he felt like suffocation was limiting his every move, his heart practically aching. To put it bluntly, he was a mess.
Axel let himself slide to the floor of the tower, propping himself up against the brick wall, his arm propped up on one of his legs. He let himself be lost in staring at blank space, willing his body into numbness, letting his mind wander.
Roxas was beside him again. Whole. Real.
He wished.
Axel let himself be played, his head twisting to the side to study the blonde sat beside him. Roxas turned to look at him too, his lips splitting into a wide grin, eyes closing in happiness. He’d stare at that smile all day if he could. Ventus couldn’t compare to Roxas – he saw that now. Plain blue eyes couldn’t match the brilliant sparkle Roxas had within his own eyes, the fierce determination yet loyal soul.
“What’s up, Ax?” The ghost asked. Axel wanted to live in that moment, hear his name be repeated over and over. He let his eyes fall back to the sky, staring at nothing once again.
“I’m fine.”
Roxas scoffed. “No you’re not.”
“I have to be.” Axel’s voice cracked as he spoke, his eyes slipping shut. He repeated himself in a firmer, harsher voice. “I have to.”
“It’s okay to be weak.”
“No it’s not. I’m not weak.” Axel shook his head. “Not weak.”
Roxas didn’t reply. Axel didn’t want to open his eyes in fear he’d be gone, he’d be left alone again. He couldn’t even admit to a figment of his imagination that he was weak. Lost and adrift, his emotions a mess that he just couldn’t decipher. Only mindlessly training could he ever escape from them, and right after would he just be launched back into the pain, his only dreams a replay of their last moments, abandonment etched into his memories. He’d wake up in a cold sweat, unable to breathe, seeing Roxas disappear, or witness him forget Axel’s whole existence again, or run away, again.
The worst was saying goodbye up on that clock tower, watching his love fade and know he was completely gone. Practically dead to the world, out of reach yet so close.
“I’m sorry.”
The last words Axel would ever hear muttered upon those lips. With that he was gone, nothing more than an empty space in the chill air.
Maybe if he just sat on the clock tower he’d never have to open his eyes again, never have to deal with the harsh reality that everyone he ever cared about was gone.
Wouldn’t that be a wish come true.