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She didn’t feel herself losing control of the car until it was too late. She’d just hung up the phone so there was no one to call out to for help. The music was back on, Andy Williams she thought, and it seemed really loud as the car slid forward in the dark. Erin gripped the wheel, pressing down on the brake pedal though she was almost positive that was the exact opposite of what she should do.
And then came the impact. The air bag popped out of the steering wheel and everything just went black. Was she dead? Was she going to wish she was? Erin had no idea where she was; it was just a dark road on the way home. It might be the last place she ever saw.
“Erin? Erin, can you hear me? Erin?”
Someone was calling her name. The voice was far away and unfamiliar, though comforting at the same time. Erin felt herself coming out of the darkness. Soon she was looking at a man’s face.
“Hey, there you are.” He caressed her cheek and smiled.
“I'm not dead?” she asked.
“You're not dead. But I think we should probably take you to the hospital to have you checked out.”
“No, no, I hate hospitals.” Erin groaned as she pushed the deflating air bag out of her way. She was still strapped in, thankfully, but almost every part of her body ached.
“I know you hate hospitals but this is a rather serious crash.” The man said.
“I don’t have a scratch on me.” She protested as blood trickled down from her forehead. That statement needed amending. “I hardly have a scratch on me.”
“I’ll make you a deal. We’ll go inside and get you cleaned up. I’ll look after you for about an hour but if things don’t look right we’re going to the ER no arguments. Deal?”
“What?” Erin looked at him. He was handsome for sure but she wasn’t going anywhere with a stranger. The man could be a serial killer for all she knew. She wasn’t born yesterday; wasn’t falling for the Good Samaritan routine. “I need to call 911…I need to call AAA. Thanks for your help but um, I have it under control.”
“AAA won't bother coming to your front door.” He said. “We’ll have the car towed in the morning.”
“What?” she repeated her first question. Then she tried to get out of the car. The cry of pain was completely involuntary when Erin first tried to move her limbs. She could see the look of pain on the man’s face. At least he wasn’t feeling what she was feeling and only reacting to it. “What are you talking about?”
“Let me help you out of the car.” He reached across her and unsnapped the seatbelt. “We’ll go inside, get you some tea and work everything out from there.”
“I need a cigarette.” Erin touched her head, blood came back on her fingers. “Oh God.”
She let him help her out of the car. Erin was unsteady on her feet but the stranger kept her upright. One thing she knew was that she wasn’t going into the house with him. How she would fight him off, Erin had no idea. She’d start screaming at the top of her lungs if it came to that. Where were they even? She crashed right into a pole but no one came out to check on her welfare but this guy.
“I guess you can have one of those inside as well. The kids aren't home so…”
“What kids?” she asked. “You have kids?”
“We have kids.” He said.
“We who?” Erin looked at him. She didn’t have kids and she didn’t know him so if he had kids it was none of her business really. Where was her cell phone? Hopefully it wasn’t destroyed in the crash.
Maybe Good Samaritan guy would let her borrow his. “I don’t want to be too much trouble to you. Do you have a cell phone or something? I'm not entirely sure where I am but I can call a friend and get a ride. You could give directions right? Some people are bad at it but just throw out some landmarks and he’ll find the place.”
“What's your name?” the guy asked her. His tone was really weird and made Erin tense.
“Why do you want to know my name?” she replied.
“What's my name?”
“Is this a riddle? I have no idea what your name is. Look, I appreciate your help but maybe you should just go back into your house and let me handle this. I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable. Just because I've been in an accident doesn’t mean I intend to let you victimize me. Just let me go.”
She shrugged him off of her, nearly falling to the ground. There were patches of black ice everywhere. Once again, the stranger kept her from hitting the ground. Erin moved away from him, pressing her back to the back door of the car. It was cold out there and her coat was somewhere in her smashed up Beamer.
“You're shivering and we need to go inside. I'm going to call Jason…he can give you a thorough look over if you refuse to go to the hospital. But obviously something’s wrong because it seems as if you don’t even know who I am.”
“I don’t.” Erin shook her head.
“Your name is Erin Strauss.” He said. “Mine is David Rossi. We’ve been married for a decade and have four children.”
“Oh my God,” Erin laughed. It hurt her head but she laughed anyway. “That’s the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. I would never have four kids. We are not married.”
“Your favorite song is Coming Around Again.” He went on. “Your parents are Erich and Joanna; you have a brother named Sam. You graduated from Barnard College. You're a workaholic. You smoke Marlboro Milds and drink too much coffee. You don’t like sheets because they don’t hold in warmth. One time, when we went to Myrtle Beach…”
“I don’t want to hear anymore.” Erin held up a hand. “I don’t know you and you won't convince me that I do. OK, you seem to know me and that’s really strange but I don’t…”
And down she went.
***
“Don’t touch me!” Erin exclaimed, shrinking back on the couch. She’d come to and there he was, over her. It seemed like now she was in his house. She wanted to jump up and escape but everything was sore and her head hurt. “Please just get away from me.”
“I'm going to sit over here.” The man sat down on the chair next to the couch where she lay. “I’ll sit here, you'll lay there, and Jason should be here any minute. I already called him.”
“Who’s Jason?”
“He’s our friend, Erin. And he's a doctor…he’ll take a look at you and see what’s going on.”
“I know a doctor named Jason.” She said, sitting up some. The man put pillows behind her head and a compress on her forehead. This was a pretty gentle kidnapping so far but Erin wasn’t putting her guard down.
“We both do.” He said.
“I don’t know who you are.”
“I'm starting to realize that.” He sighed. “Can you tell me the last thing you do remember?”
“I was on the phone with Kirk…”
The doorbell rang, interrupting Erin’s story and scaring her to death. Dave got out of the chair. He held out his hands.
“Don’t run away. I'm sure that’s just Jason; he's coming over to give you a look. It’s going to be OK, baby, I promise. Please just lie still.”
Erin was about to let him know that first and foremost she was not his baby. Something about the way he said it was strangely comforting. She slid down more onto the couch. While the man was away, Erin looked around the room some.
Her eyes were blurry—where were her glasses—but the house seemed cozy. There were pictures everywhere; she made out her own image in some of them. How could this be happening? She wasn’t married and this was not her home.
How hard had she banged her head in that accident? Straining to hear, Erin made out two voices in the foyer. She knew they were talking about her. She wanted to know exactly what they were saying.
“Hey there.” Jason Gideon walked into the room.
“Oh Jason, thank God you're here.” Erin sat up too quickly, half fainting and half wrapping herself in his arms.
“I'm going to try to do my best to deal with the fact that you remember your ex but not me.” Dave sat back in the chair.
“He’s not my ex.” Erin said.
“I'm not her ex.” Jason said at the same time. Then he looked back at Erin. He put his medical bag by his feet. “Can I ask you a few questions?”
“I guess so.” Erin nodded.
Jason made her lie back on the couch. He asked Dave if he could sit on the wood and marble coffee table. Some of the furniture in the house was antique and some was just old. Jason didn’t want to break anything.
“What's your name?”
“Erin Camille Strauss.”
“And your date of birth?”
“February 18, 1967.”
“What are your parents’ names?”
“Erich and Joanna Strauss.”
“What are your children’s names?” Jason asked.
“I don’t have any children.” Erin shook her head.
“Tell me the last thing you remember before the accident.”
“I was on the phone with Kirk; we were talking about a case in Jackson, Mississippi. When I hung up the phone the radio came back on, playing Christmas songs.”
“I'm sorry to interrupt but what's today’s date?” Jason asked.
“Its December 20, 2012…today is Thursday.”
“Alright, so you were listening to Christmas music?”
“I wasn’t listening to it. The radio came on automatically when the call ended. I was actually going to turn it off but that’s when the car must have hit an ice patch. I felt it spinning out of control. I tried to stop but knew that I couldn’t really. I thought I was going to die. I remember, I think, the impact and blacking out. When I came to that man was standing over me.” She pointed to Dave. “He says he’s my husband.”
“Have you ever been married?” Jason asked.
“No. Look, I wasn’t even supposed to be on this road. I was heading back to DC; I live in Washington, DC. I don’t even know where I am right now but this is surely not my house. The damn exit was closed and I had to get off the freeway. I got a little turned around trying to find my way back to the next entrance. It’s dark as hell around here…who wants to live where it’s so dark.”
“But you know me?” Jason asked.
“Of course I know you.” Erin replied. “I've known you forever.”
“Would you believe me if I told you that that man, David Rossi, is your husband?”
“I'm not married.” Erin said through clenched teeth. “I don’t know what kind of game you're playing Jason, but it’s not funny. I just want to go home.”
“You are home.” Dave said gently. He had no idea what was happening but the pain her voice nearly killed him. It was clear she was distressed. Knowing that she felt confused and scared but that he could do nothing about it made him want to punch things.
“Dave, could you go and put on some water for tea? I think a nice cup of chamomile will calm Erin down. I'm just going to take her blood pressure and do a topical examination to make sure she doesn’t have a concussion. I saw the car outside; that impact was bad.”
“Sure.”
Erin sat up slowly when he left the room. She took both of Jason’s hands in hers and looked him deeply in the eye. She had tears in her eyes.
“I don’t know what’s going on.” She whispered.
“Neither do I. You are married, Erin. You're the married mother of four and you’ve just been in a car accident. There is a medical condition called a dissociative fugue state.”
“I know what that means. I think I know what that means. Everything is a little confusing right now. Maybe I'm in a universe where fugue state means something else completely.”
“A dissociative fugue state is when the patient has no memory of certain events in their lives, usually triggered by a traumatic event. It can last anywhere from hours to months.”
“Months? I'm not going to remember who I am for months.”
“That’s not what I said.” Jason’s tone was gentle. “I think that you need to relax. I know it’s not easy and I'm asking a lot. But you know me, and you trust me right?”
“Yeah.” Erin nodded.
“This is your home, at least for the night. Dave is a good, trustworthy, wonderful guy and he loves you. He’ll take good care of you. I'm not seeing signs of a concussion so I don’t think sleeping will be an issue. There’s no aphasia or vomiting, though you did pass out earlier. I don’t think it’s strange for someone to faint after being pulled from a wrecked car. You know who you are and what day it is. In the morning, it’s easier to see the roads then, Dave will take you to the hospital and they’ll give you a more thorough exam.”
“You're a psychiatrist.” Erin said.
“I am. I have a medical degree.”
“I wasn’t questioning your abilities, Gideon. I was checking to make sure you are who I think you are. How did we meet?”
“We both attended George Washington University. I was interning at the hospital after medical school. You were getting a Master’s degree in Social and Behavioral Sciences.”
Erin let out a sigh of relief. There was at least something that was still real. She had to figure out the rest but it felt as if someone let all the air out of her. Though the idea scared her witless, she could probably fall asleep right there. Soon her “husband” was walking back into the room with a cup of tea.
“Its chamomile.” He said, sitting it down in front of her.
“Thank you David.” Then she gasped.
“Are you alright?” Jason and Dave asked at the same time.
“I call you David.” Erin put her hand on her mouth as if she didn’t know where the name came from. “People call you Dave but I call you David.”
“You’re the only one but I never once minded.” He replied.
“Thank you for the tea.” Erin looked at her lap when she said it.
She sat still while Jason examined her. He checked her eyes, her ears, her blood pressure, heartbeat, lungs, and pulse. Then he had her lie down and he checked to make sure there were no internal injuries. He asked a few more questions about her recent past and some about things that happened a long time ago. Before she knew it, Jason was hugging her and saying goodbye. Erin wanted to stop him but she just let Dave walk him to the door. Then she and the stranger were alone.
“I'm going to make up the guest room for you.” he said. “You should be comfortable in there.”
“I’ll just sleep on the couch.” She said.
“You’ve been in a car accident; please. You need to be in a comfortable bed and to get a good night’s sleep. I'm sure by morning you're going to feel as if you kick boxed with a moose.”
“I don’t have my cell phone, I don’t have my purse. I need all of my things.”
“I’ll go back out to the car and see what I can retrieve.” Dave said. “I’ll do it as soon as I clean up the guest room. I know this isn’t easy for you, baby…Erin…” he sighed. “I can't imagine what you're going through right now. But you're safe here and I'm going to do ask that you do your best to relax. I’ll be right back.”
“David?” the sound of her voice stopped him as he walked out of the room. “Jason said I'm the mother of four. Is that true?”
“Yes.” Dave nodded.
“Where are my children…our children?”
“The kids are with your brother.”
“I don’t have a brother.” Erin shook her head. “Are you telling me that I have a brother here?”
“I'm sorry, Sam is your cousin.” Dave said. “You two were raised together so you always introduce him to everyone in your life as your brother. Do you remember Sam Kassmeyer?”
“Yeah.” Erin nodded. Sam was her cousin. They hadn’t been raised in the same house but the same family. Their fathers were first cousins, practically brothers. It didn’t surprise her that they were close. They used to be a long time ago. It looked like wherever Erin was, they were again.
“I’ll be back.”
“OK.”
Erin wasn’t even sure she wanted to drink the tea. Jason said she could trust the guy but what if there was something in it. She sipped it; it was still really hot. So she left it on the coffee table and got up to look around the room.
The living room was large but didn’t look lived in. There were pictures on the walls and on the mantle so Erin paid them special attention. She was in them with a man she didn’t even recognize. She looked so happy with him.
None of their four children looked anything like her or David Rossi. Maybe they were adopted. Maybe they were just his kids. Maybe she was going to wake up any minute and none of this would be real.
“Oh shit, Mudgie no!”
She heard Dave before she saw him. Erin turned in time to see a large brown dog coming toward her. She let out a bloodcurdling scream but that didn’t stop the attack. He came at her full force, nearly knocking Erin to the ground. Dave was right on his heels, pulling him away by the collar. Erin stumbled back and fell into a chair.
“What the hell?”
“Heel Mudge, just heel. C'mon boy, heel. I'm so sorry; he loves you.”
“I have a dog too.” Erin put her hand over her rapidly beating heart. There was no way she was going to make it through tonight. Why worry about being murdered when there was a giant dog to maul her instead?
“Yes, his name is Mudgie and I'm so sorry.”
“Where did he come from?”
“I put him upstairs after I got you in the house.” Dave replied. “He adores you and I knew he wouldn’t let you rest. He senses when Mommy needs him.”
“Mommy? Please don’t call me that.”
“Right. You call yourself that by the way.” He said. “I couldn’t make it up if I tried.”
“Well let’s just not and say I did. How about that?”
“Sure, Erin. I'm going back upstairs and I'm taking the dog with me. He won't bother you anymore tonight. I'm sorry.”
“I just want to go to bed.” She said. “The tea was a lovely gesture but I think tonight’s events call more for Jameson’s and a couple of Aleve. You want to have a drink together?”
Dave smiled, turning some so Erin couldn’t see him.
“What?” she asked.
“That just reminded me of the first night we met; I'm sorry. I need to take Mudgie back upstairs.”
“Where do you keep the liquor?”
“It’s in the dining room, in a cabinet.” Dave replied. “There’s a drawer under the cabinet. Open the drawer and the key is in a little pouch under the drawer.”
“Wow, that’s a bit 007.”
“You get creative when you’ve got four kids.”
“Oh, right, OK. Do you want a drink?” she asked.
“Yes. I’ll be right back.”
Erin nodded and watched him go. Then she went to the dining room and grabbed the whiskey.
***
“And to girls who love whiskey.” Dave held up his tumbler.
He'd convinced her that straight whiskey probably wasn’t the best idea given all that happened tonight. He heated Erin’s chamomile tea and added half a shot. As they retired to the den, Dave also gave her two Aleve, a glass of water, and the secret pack of Marlboro Milds from the first kitchen drawer.
“So I married you?” she got comfortable on the couch and lit her cigarette.
The den was more lived in than the living room. There was a huge television mounted to the wall. A game console lay on the floor beneath it. There were books, DVDs, and even a few scattered articles of clothing. It wasn’t messy enough to offend Erin, she had friends with kids, but it was definitely organized chaos. If one had four kids and their house didn’t look like it, something was wrong.
“You married me.” Dave nodded.
“When?”
“August 23, 2002; we had a Friday night wedding. It was a low key but lovely event. It was the third anniversary of our first date. I think you chose it so I wouldn’t have to remember a new anniversary date. I assure you I’d never forget.”
“It’s my second marriage?” Erin asked. Who knew if Eli even existed in this world she found herself in? She wouldn’t shed any tears if he didn’t.
“Yes, you’ve been married before.” Dave replied grinning. “And so have I.”
“Why are you grinning like that?” She tried but the look on his face made her smile too.
“I've been married a few times.”
“What's a few?”
“You're my fourth wife.”
“Jesus!” Erin laughed so hard she nearly choked on cigarette smoke. It made her head ring so she stopped. Boy did she know how to pick them. Wife number four…that was insanity. “Where did you even find the time?”
Dave shrugged and laughed too.
“I love you madly, Erin. I know you don’t remember it right now and that concerns me a lot. I would never pressure you to say or express something you don’t feel, but I love you. I've probably loved you since the first day we met.”
“How did we meet?” she asked, understanding what he was saying but not feeling it. That made her feel guilty and then mad at herself for feeling guilty about hurting a man she didn’t even know a few hours ago.
“We have a mutual friend, Blythe Dresden.” Dave replied.
“I don’t know her.” Erin shook her head.
“She's the lead character in the suspense series I write.”
“You're a writer?”
“Yeah.” Dave nodded. “I worked in the Bureau for nearly 20 years, leaving when I saw more lucrative offers in the private sector. I had no idea that writing would come easier to me than almost anything I've ever pursued. For years it was non-fiction, true crime I guess they call it. Then a fiction idea came to me. I reached out to Kirk Douglas and he put me in touch with you. The rest is history.”
“I’d love to read your books.” She said.
“You already have but I surely won't object to you doing so again.” He smiled.
“Our kids look nothing like us.” Erin changed the subject. This man had written a whole series of books about the woman he loved and that woman was her. She knew what it was like to have someone disappear from your life without your consent. Erin also knew she couldn’t pretend to be someone she wasn’t to make Dave feel better. That wouldn’t be good for either of them.
“They're adopted. We had some trouble getting pregnant. You tried fertility drugs for a while but the side effects weren’t good for you. Then we…” Dave sighed. “Our children are adopted.
“Aaron came first, he was five when we adopted him. He just turned 13. His nickname is Hotch but you always call him Aaron. We adopted Emily about a year later. She and Hotch were born three weeks apart; Emily is older.
“We call them our twins. Most people think they are…they're amazing kids. Four years ago you thought you might be ready for an infant. We found Penelope instead. She was barely three and you fell head over heels. She and Derek were a package deal.”
“Are they related?” Erin asked.
“No. He was six and they got very close in the group home where they lived. Both were orphans and she refused to leave him. You thought four kids might be your breaking point but you did it anyway. You’ve always found enough room to love them all to pieces.”
“Am I a good mother?”
Erin never had children. She was busy working and moving up the FBI ranks. There were times when she thought she regretted that decision but there was little to do about it now. There would always be younger people in her life to mentor, teach, and love. It wasn’t quite the same but it fulfilled some part of her.
“You're a wonderful mom.” Dave sipped his whiskey. “You work a lot and do miss some things. The kids understand; they're crazy about you.”
“I just wish I could remember.” She said.
Taking one last inhale of her cigarette, Erin smashed it in the ashtray. She also drank the last of her now lukewarm tea. It was time to get some sleep. There was a chance that she would wake up tomorrow back in her real life. This was all just a dream. Maybe that car accident injured her badly and this was where her mind took her. Erin said a silent prayer that when she woke up from the coma she would have no memory of what might have been.
“I know you're exhausted.” Dave said. “C'mon, I’ll show you to the guest room.”
Nodding, Erin took the pills and drank down half the water. She was a little steadier on her feet but her head still swam. She followed Dave through the first floor and up the stairs. They walked into the room together. It was painted blue with plain wood furniture, a full sized bed, and a blue area rug on the hardwood floor. On the walls there was lovely black and white photography; Erin thought it might be old Hollywood film scenes. There was a framed black and white movie poster for The Artist above the bed.
“I brought a few memories in here.” Dave said as Erin turned down the bed. “I thought it might make you more comfortable. There's a picture of you and your mom, the kids, and a picture of us. I don't know; I thought it could help. Your purse is in the chair. I found your cell phone in there.”
“Thank you.” Erin walked across the room and grabbed it. She’d sworn that she carried her black Prada today but this was a Kenneth Cole tote. Her brain was so scrambled that Erin wasn’t sure what was what.
“There are pajamas in the top dresser drawer.” Dave said. “The bathroom is right next door if you want to freshen up before bed or use the bathroom in the middle of the night.”
“I appreciate it. I truly appreciate you pulling me out of that car. I may not know everything that’s going on right now but I do know that.”
“You're welcome.”
Dave didn’t know what else to do so he just nodded. He put his hands in the pockets of his black track pants. He didn’t want to touch her and make Erin uncomfortable. They probably both needed to feel each other but everything was too overwhelming at the moment.
“I want to hug you.” he said in a low tone. “I want to hug you so badly because I'm just grateful that you're still here with me. I could’ve lost you tonight, Erin…I could’ve lost everything.”
“Do you wanna go on the count of three?” Erin asked.
“Seriously?” Dave raised an eyebrow.
“I'm going to sleep David. Who knows what the world is going to look like when I open my eyes again. Why the hell not?” she opened her arms. “One, two…”
***
It was a little girl; a little girl with blonde pigtails. She wore light gray corduroys stuffed into a pair of sparkling pink boots. She also had on a pink turtleneck with three ladybugs across the chest. The big brown dog was with her…they were practically the same height. The little girl was drinking a juice box and looking at Erin with her head tilted.
“Penelope.” Erin said in a drowsy voice.
“You remember me now?” she asked. “Daddy said you bumped your forehead and forgot me.”
“I had an accident, yes.”
“So we’re not gonna see Santa today? You promised as soon as the bad guys went to jail that we’d go. It’s almost Christmas; I have to show him my list. You promised.”
“Well, I…”
“PG, you're totally not supposed to be in here.” A boy came into the bedroom. Erin recognized Derek immediately. “Dad said we had to let her rest.”
“But we’re sposed to see Santa today.” Penelope said. “Mommy promised.”
“You don’t wanna be dragged around the mall when you're sick.” The ten year old put his arm around her and started walking out of the bedroom. The dog followed. “We’ll go and see Santa soon; we’ve never missed a year.”
Derek turned to look at Erin, mouthing the ‘I'm sorry’ as he walked out with Penelope and closed the door. Erin sighed and ran her hand over her face. OK, she was still in the suburbs. She was still the mother of four…nothing had changed.
Reaching for her bag, which was on the nightstand beside her, Erin grabbed her cell phone. The wallpaper was a sunset. It wasn’t the night before, before the accident. She opened her contacts and began scrolling through. There had to be someone on the list who remembered who she used to be.
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Hi Sam.” Erin tried not to burst into tears when she heard his voice.
“Dave and I talked a little bit when I dropped off the kids this morning.” Sam said.
“I need you to do me a really big favor.” Erin said. She groaned as she propped up the pillows and sat up some. “I need you to take me home.”
“You're at home. You're at home, right? Where are you calling me from, Erin?”
“Everybody thinks they know what's best for me. It’s even more so after this accident. I am an adult. I need you to come, pick me up, and take me home.”
“Where do you want to go?” he asked.
He'd known Erin all her life. She was headstrong and as stubborn as they come. If she said she wanted to go home, Sam would take her home. Maybe a trip somewhere would jog her memory and this dissociative state would just end. It was four days before Christmas…he didn’t think the family could take any more excitement. Sam was sure that Erin couldn’t.
“I have a luxury condo in the Watergate East building in Washington, DC. It has an amazing view of the Capitol and the Washington Monument. There's a man I've been seeing for over a year. I'm busy so its casual but it’s been good for the both of us. I don’t have a husband. I haven’t adopted kids, damn sure don’t have a dog, and I really hate the suburbs.”
“OK. OK Erin, I’ll take you where you want but just stop talking like that.” Sam said. “You may not remember your children right now; I know you had a bit of a trauma. They remember you though. They're trying to understand that you're injured and confused. But they will never forget that you said you don’t want them if they overhear. So please don’t say it again.”
Erin nodded though Sam couldn’t see that on the other side of the phone. He was right. They weren’t her kids but they were kids. Kids were smarter than most people gave them credit for. They could also be really sensitive. Erin would’ve been devastated if she ever heard one of her parents say that they didn’t want her.
“Can you pick me up in thirty minutes?” she asked.
“I can be there in about an hour.” Sam said. “That should’ve give you time to shower and have some breakfast. Dave makes amazing waffles…enjoy some.”
“I’ll see you soon, Sam.”
She hung up the phone, dropping it back in her bag. Getting out of the bed wasn’t easy but Erin got it done. She did a few head to toe stretches, doing her best to ignore the stiffness. There were bruises on her body but she ran in place, did a few jumping jacks, and then more stretches.
When she opened the door, Erin looked both ways to make sure that no kids were around. The hallway was empty. She crept along the wall to the bathroom. Once inside, she closed and locked the door.
The room was clean but it was clear they had kids. Superhero toothbrushes and mouthwash cups sat on the counter. Inside the large bathtub was a rubber ducky, a doll, and a battleship. There was a stand up shower so Erin would use that. Dave left her a note on top of a towel and some toiletries. ‘This is all you need for a hot shower. I put some clothes for you in the guest room dresser and your boots are beside the dresser. There's breakfast whenever you want it. Love you, Dave’.
Erin folded the note, putting it to the side so it wouldn’t get wet. She undressed and stared at herself in the mirror. Erin Strauss was a 45 year old woman so no matter how much she worked the signs of her age would show. The gray hairs were more plentiful…she dyed it. Some things started sagging and fat stayed where it never had before.
She jogged two days a week, took a Zumba class, and got massages and facials once a month. At least the Erin she knew did those things. For all she knew this Erin ate pizza every day and liked Van Halen. Using all the strength she had left, Erin fought punching and shattering the mirror. She pulled her hair back and got in the shower.
000
“Are you OK, Mommy?” Penelope got up from the table and ran to Erin.
“It’s going to take some time, Penelope.” She patted the little girl’s back.
“I saw this episode of Criminal Minds where this dude bumped his head during a car accident.” Derek said. “He no longer recognized his family and slaughtered them cuz he thought they were pod people.”
“Oh God.” Erin said.
“No one is getting slaughtered.” Dave said waving a spatula at his son. “And you're not supposed to be watching those kinds of TV shows.”
“I'm at a precious in-between age.” Derek said. “I've outgrown the shows of my childhood but haven’t arrived at my teenage years.”
“If you want to, young man, no more Criminal Minds.” Erin said.
“Yes ma'am.” Derek went back to his breakfast.
“Penelope, finish your breakfast before it gets cold. David, where are…?” it would take forever to get all the names straight. Erin was going to have to write things down.
“Emily is doing the last of her Christmas shopping. Ursula and Rachel took her to the mall. Hotch is walking the dog; he’ll be back in a few minutes. Do you remember Ursula and Rachel?”
“Yes.” Erin nodded. She walked closer to Dave but didn’t step into his personal space. “I need a cigarette.”
“They're in the first drawer. You probably need breakfast more than that. Does waffles and bacon sound alright?”
“That sounds heavenly. I feel like I haven’t eaten in days.”
“Today is going to be a busy one for me. I need to take the kids to the mall. If Penelope doesn’t see Santa there will be blood. The boys have last minute gifts to buy. I want you to stay home and rest. Unless you feel like you need to go to the hospital. I’ll call Jason to take you.”
“Penelope told me that she was promised Santa Claus.” Erin said.
“She was.” Dave nodded.
“You take the kids. I called Sam because there are some things I need to do today. I don't know if he feels like chauffeuring me around so I’ll ask nicely.”
“Baby, it’s a bad idea to overdo it right now.”
“I’ll be fine.” She said.
“Please don’t be stubborn about this. That accident last night could’ve been much worse. They towed the car away today. It’s going to have to be replaced; the grill and hood are practically in the front seat. I don’t even know how I pulled you out of there after I saw the front grill. You may be having memory problems but it’s better than losing you. We’ve faced plenty of challenges; we’ll face this one.”
“Where should I smoke this?” she asked holding out the cigarette. Erin didn’t even know how to respond to what Dave said.
“The back deck is fine. The temperature is higher today but it’s still cold and rainy. You should get a jacket.”
“I'm going to need you to stop telling me what to do.” Erin said.
“I'm sorry.”
She went through the sliding glass door. It was cold though not as cold as it had been over the past few days. The rain fell light but steady. Erin inhaled through her nose and out of her mouth. She did it again before lighting the cigarette.
Erin looked around the yard; checked out what she could see of the neighborhood. She still didn’t even know what city she was in. It surely wasn’t Washington, DC. Erin shook off the thought. She smoked her cigarette down before stomping it under her boot.
“I didn’t mean to be snappish with you.” Erin said when she walked back into the kitchen. “This is hard for all of us, not just me. I know you want your wife back and your kids want their mom.”
“It’s alright, Erin. Your breakfast is ready. Derek and Penelope went to get ready for the mall.” Dave went into the cabinet to get a plate.
“And Aaron isn’t back from walking the dog?”
She might not have known him but in her line of work she saw kids disappear every day. Surely a 13 year old boy didn’t want to be watched like a hawk but they lived in a crazy world.
“I'm here.”
He was tall for his age with raven black hair and hazel eyes. There was concern etched on his face. He looked at Erin; seemed to look right through her.
“Your breakfast is in the microwave, kid.” Dave said.
“Thanks. Are you alright, Mom?”
“Um…” she smiled some. That was a name that she’d never get used to hearing. “That’s a tough one to answer at the moment.”
“We got here this morning when they were pulling the car away.” Hotch turned the microwave on. “It was smashed up bad.”
“Luckily, Mom’s head is rock hard.” Dave tried to smile. He handed Erin her breakfast plate.
“What he said.” She went over to the table. Hotch joined her a few minutes later.
“We’re going to the mall soon, Aaron. Don’t scarf your food down but don’t dawdle.”
“There's going to be a billion people there.” Hotch poured syrup on his waffles. “Let’s not and just say we did.”
“I say that all the time.” Erin said. Her tone was surprised.
“Where do you think I got it from?” Hotch smiled before stuffing waffles into his mouth.
He had really deep dimples that reminded Erin of her father. Aaron Hotchner and Erich Strauss looked nothing alike except for the dark hair and dimples. Still, Hotch had a lot of the same mannerisms. It really threw her for a loop. The last thing she needed was more loops.
“Hello, hello!” Sam’s voice bellowed throughout the downstairs before he walked into the kitchen. “I know you guys just saw me but I’ve been summoned.”
“Sam.” Erin’s fork clattered against the plate when she dropped it. She got out of her chair, rushing into her cousin’s arms.
“I'm so glad you're alright.” Sam didn’t want to hold her too tight. He fought the urge to squeeze her, sure that she was still in pain.
“I'm so sorry.” She whispered.
“What are you sorry for?” Sam caressed her face. Erin had tears in her eyes.
“I'm sorry that I let us lose touch. I'm sorry that I put work ahead of family. I will never, ever let it happen again. I promise you that. I know I've made promises before and broken them but I mean it this time.”
“Alright.” Sam stroked her hair. “I believe you. Sit down and eat your breakfast, and then I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”
Erin nodded and went back to the table.
“Please tell me that you and Jessie are married.” She said.
“We've been married for nine years.” Sam said. “Every day together is more adventurous than the day before.”
“And you have children?”
“Michael and Penelope are the same age and little Lily is three.”
“Uncle Mike is doing alright, isn’t he?”
“Yes.” Sam nodded. “He still lives in New York but Jess and I have been trying for years to get him here. There's been a lot of push and pull. He’ll be here tomorrow for a week or so for Christmas.”
“Push and pull…I know that well with parents.” Erin managed a smile. “He and Daddy can be just alike, even when they're claiming not to be.”
“So true.”
“There's orange juice in the fridge Erin.” Dave said. He was loading the dishwasher. “You can take one of Penelope’s juice boxes for on the go.”
“That’s perfect, thank you.”
“I’ll take your plate, Mom.”
“Thank you Aaron. David, where’s my coat?”
“It’s in the front closet. Do you know when you'll be back?”
“No.”
Erin didn’t say anything else. She took the juice box from him, grabbed the cigarettes from the drawer, and rushed out of the house. Halfway off the porch she realized she left her purse in the guest room.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Take your time.” Sam said. “You don’t need to be rushing around.”
“No, I want to get out of here. I'm not taking any more time.”
***
Erin jumped when she felt someone touch her shoulder. Turning, she looked at Emily. The teenage girl looked tentative; her hand was still hanging in the air.
“You scared me.” Erin said.
“You're missing all the good stuff.” Emily said. “Dad is making cocoa and the cookies are almost done. You have to help with the tree. Maybe doing some family stuff will help jog your memory.”
“Yeah, maybe it will.”
She went inside and Erin stared after her for a few minutes. Then she did the same. When she first saw Emily late that afternoon, the most noticeable thing was the small diamond stud in her nostril. The teenager wore thick black tights, a thermal shirt, and an oversized Morrissey tee shirt. Her long, black hair was parted in the middle and concealed some of her face.
She also wore a pair of devil’s horns festively painted red and green. On her feet were heavy, black Doc Martens boots that she’d drawn flames on with a silver Sharpie. Erin thought of Violet from The Incredibles when she looked at her daughter. Then she spoke low to Sam.
“I couldn’t have approved of that nose ring.”
“You did, and even took her to get it.” Sam said.
“You can't be serious? What kind of parent lets a 13 year old get a piercing?”
“The two of you made a deal. If Emily got all A’s on her first report, and no teacher infractions, then she could get it for Christmas. She backed up all her requests with evidence of small concessions for teenagers leading to more positive behaviors. You took her last week after report cards came out. I think you respected her approach.”
“Are you sure I didn’t bump my head before this accident?”
It was an eye-opening afternoon for Erin Strauss. She had Sam take her immediately to Washington, DC and the Watergate East building. On the ride there she found out that she and David Rossi settled in a nice, quiet residential neighborhood in Fairfax, Virginia.
“Do I love him?” Erin asked.
“What do you mean?” Sam glanced at her.
“Do I love David? Do I really love him or do I just pretend?”
“Of course you love him. You two can be polar opposites in some ways but you fit so well together. You bicker and laugh and love. Your kids are great kids and you're raising a good family. You work too much but I won't call the kettle black because I do as well. It’s been better since Dave retired a few years ago. Now the kids always have one parent home.”
“He told me that he was a writer.”
“He's a good writer.” Sam nodded.
Once at the condo building, Erin asked the security desk about who lived in 403. At first it caused some concerns but she showed ID to prove who she was. She was told that the tenant had been renting the condo for two years and was a relatively quiet federal employee with two kids. Erin had been renting out the owned unit for nearly a decade, since she moved out to get married.
“Are you sure?” Erin asked.
“I don’t know what you mean ma'am.” The woman at the desk replied.
“The condo has been rented for nearly a decade since I left to get married?”
The woman looked at Sam, looking for some kind of explanation of what was happening. Why would the woman have to ask all these questions about a condo that she supposedly owned.
“She was in a car accident recently.” Sam said. “She's been suffering memory problems.”
“There have been three different tenants and no real problems.”
“Thank you.”
Erin didn’t want to cry but the tears fell down her face as they walked out of the building. Sam put his arm around her, pulling her close. She clenched her hand into fists, having no idea how to move forward.
“What am I supposed to do now?” She was nearly sobbing. “How can someone else be living in my home? I'm homeless and it’s Christmas.”
“No, you live in Fairfax.” His voice was firm but gentle.
“I don’t remember them, Sam. I don’t remember getting married and adopting four kids. I'm either the worse woman ever or this is not my life. They deserve their mother. I'm not that woman.”
“Maybe the life you thought you had wasn’t your life.” Sam said.
“But that makes no sense. I remember everything about it. I remember what was happening just a few minutes before my car hit that pole. It’s so vivid, so real, but everyone keeps telling me it’s not real. I'm not crazy…I feel crazy but I'm not crazy.”
“Christmas is in four days. I know that what I'm asking isn’t easy but it might be in your best interest to relax for a while. Your memory isn’t going to come back if you keep fighting every little thing. You were in a car accident and took a vicious knock on the head. What you should be doing is relaxing, letting your husband wait on you hand and foot.
“Your parents will be here soon. I'm going to be here. Jason, Ursula, and Kirk are going to be here. Those people love you every much and will help you get through this. Go home, look at videos of your family, read your husband’s book, have a conversation about your first date. At the very least you know you won't be murdered there.”
“I was with you Sam.” Erin said. “I was almost completely with you until you mentioned murder. Why did you have to bring up murder?”
“I'm sorry.” He tried to smile. “No murdering will take place; cross my heart.”
“Can we drive around for just a little while? I know you need to get back to your family but…”
“You're my family too. Jessie understands, she’s just as worried about you as everyone else. We’ll drive for a bit, stop and get some lunch; you can ask me as many questions as you want.”
“I have a lot of questions.” Erin slipped her arm in his as they walked back to Sam’s car.
“It’s alright, we have time.”
Erin suspected that might be true. What if this dissociative fugue state lasted forever? It was rare but considering Erin never thought it would happen to her, anything was possible. What if she ended up remembering everything and Sam was right? What if the life she thought she led that was all a fantasy?
It didn’t seem this life and that one were so much different. Minus the husband and four kids of course. It was definitely a whopping difference but didn’t Erin owe it to her family to at least try. Didn’t she owe it to herself?
000
“Are you trying to get me drunk, David Rossi?” Erin asked, not even sure where the question had come from. Something in her belly told her that she’d asked it before.
“According to you I'm ten times more attractive when you are.”
Erin smiled just as Penelope gasped. She looked at the little girl, who was giggling and pointing.
“Look up, Daddy.” She said.
“Aww, c'mon guys.” Dave looked up and saw the mistletoe. Erin looked up too. “Who put this there? None of you are tall enough.”
“The Christmas fairy.” Hotch replied.
“More like the Christmas gremlin.” Erin said.
“You have to kiss.” Emily said. She was picking through a box of ornaments. “It’s part of the Christmas law…or something.”
“I'm just going to kiss your cheek.” Dave spoke low to Erin. “They’ll never leave us alone if I don’t.”
“OK.” Erin nodded.
Dave kissed her cheek. She caressed his face, leaning in to kiss his mouth. Derek wolf whistled as they kissed under the mistletoe.
“Yay!” Penelope cheered.
“What was that about?” Dave said as their lips came apart.
“I just…I wanted to see if…I'm sorry.”
“Never apologizing for kissing me.” Dave shook his head and pressed his forehead on hers. “That’s what I'm here for. OK guys, where’s Mom’s favorite ornament? She has to put it on the tree.”
“I found it.” Hotch walked over and handed Erin a Christmas ornament.
Erin sipped her cocoa before looking at the ornament in the palm of her hand. It was a sled but it was also a picture frame. Inside was a picture of her four children. She wasn’t sure but it looked as if the picture was taken right after they adopted Penelope and Derek. The seven year old was just a toddler. Derek had a big afro. Emily, who was probably nine, had pigtails, and Hotch wore glasses.
“Look at you guys.” She stared at the ornament for a long time and then at the kids. “You were totally adorable.”
“Were?” Hotch asked. “Ouch.”
“Well, you know what I mean. I know why this ornament is my favorite.”
“You get to put it anywhere you want on the tree.” Dave said.
He watched her as Erin approached the Christmas tree. Though it was artificial, the tree was nearly seven feet tall. Three years ago the family picked out a “Manitoba blue spruce” and loved decorating it. Colored lights were strung from top to bottom.
This year the kids chose silver garland to wrap around it. And then there were all the ornaments. Some went back to Dave’s childhood. Some of them were from his wife’s as well but Erin hadn’t gotten close enough to see until now.
“I think I’ll put it right here.” Erin hung it on a limb close to the top. “What do you think?”
“Awesome.” Derek smiled.
“We’ll do reindeer, then cookies, and watch The Grinch.” Dave said.
“Should the kids have cookies before dinner?” Erin asked, looking at her husband. “It'll ruin their appetites.”
“No it won't.” Emily shook her head. “We’re always hungry.”
“It’s a Christmas ritual. The pizzas are still in the oven. We’ll have dinner while enjoying the movie. Em, do you have the reindeer bag?”
“Yep.” She held up a gift bag.
“What's this?” Erin asked.
“We each pick a reindeer to put on the tree.” Hotch said. “You and dad pick two since there are nine reindeer.”
“Rudolph!” Penelope exclaimed as Erin counted the reindeer in her head.
“Of course. How could I forget Rudolph?”
“It could be cuz of the bump on your head.” Penelope replied.
Derek laughed despite himself, putting his arm around his little sister. Dave smiled too.
“I’ll pick my reindeer first and then we’ll pass the bag around.” He said. “Does that sound good guys?”
The kids nodded and they all gathered around the bag. It was on the table right next to the now empty cocoa tray. The Christmas tree was almost done. There was more to do before the big day came. It wasn’t going to be the easiest with Erin not feeling well but that made Dave want to make it even better.
The kids needed to focus on something happy and his wife needed to focus on the children. This was the season of miracles. He already had one, Erin had survived that accident. Dave didn’t think he had a right to ask for another. But he would anyway and wish for her to come back to them.
***
“I don’t know what you're so tired for, you had an easy day.”
Mudgie looked at her, made a noise in his throat, and then went back to sleep. It was late but Erin felt as if she was getting some kind of second wind. She didn’t know how since she’d been on her feet all day. They were turning the house, which was still new to her, into a Christmas wonderland. The inside decorations, the outside decorations, and preparing to overdose on Christmas films. Dave was also working on the menu for Christmas dinner. It seemed to be a lot of food; Erin wondered just how many people would be there this year.
“I thought you could use a snack.” Dave walked into the den. He had two small plates and a glass of wine. When he put them down on the table, Dave went to the liquor cabinet and poured himself a tumbler of whiskey.
“A snack?” her tone was incredulous. “I don’t think I can eat another thing.” She smelled the food. “What is it?”
“Its ham and Swiss wrapped in a croissant and baked. The kids love them; a quick meal when we’re really busy.”
“I'm probably going to eat this.”
“The wine is Riesling.” Dave said.
“Thanks.”
“Your parents are going to be here tomorrow.” Dave sank into the chair close to her. “Christmas is going to be a bit of a circus so I should apologize beforehand. We kinda volunteered to do it all this year.”
“Should I ask?”
“It’ll be your parents, Sam, Jessie, and their kids, us, Jason, Nora, Ursula, and Rachel.” Dave replied.
“Oh wow, we are doing it all. I don’t even know if I have Christmas gifts ready.”
“They're all on the top shelf of your closet in the master bedroom. You’ve been finished since Halloween. I was still buying stuff this afternoon.”
“I hope I tagged them.” Erin laughed some. “Or no one will be getting a thing.”
“Your parents are going to need to sleep in the guest room.” Dave said. “I’ll be happy to crash in the den while you sleep in the master bedroom. The sectional is comfortable.”
“I don’t want to put you out, David.” She ate some of her croissant. “This is your house…that’s your bedroom.”
“It’s our bedroom. I just want you to be comfortable.”
“Maybe we can stay in there together? I doubt it would be the worst thing in the world.”
Erin wasn’t sure she was going to say it but felt compelled. If they were married, if this was her life, then she needed to start living it. From all accounts, she was in love with this man. It wasn’t that Erin would jump on him and demand her wifely due. She just wanted to feel something.
There was the slightest tingle in her belly tonight when she took a chance and kissed him. The way he touched her face made her breathe hard. It had only been one day. If this was Erin’s new life all of it would take time to get used to. She wouldn’t be able to do that hiding from her family.
Soon the holidays would be over and she’d be back in Quantico working. There would be school for the kids and presumably writing for Dave. Life went on; she needed to roll with it. Erin was a strong, smart woman and she could do this. If she had it all in this life, taking advantage of it was the best thing to do.
“I want to say yes.” Dave said. “I'm just not sure it’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Sometimes I have problems keeping my hands to myself. I'm crazy about you, you're crazy about me, and we have an active intimate life. As I said, I just want you to be comfortable.”
“How about I tell you to keep your hands to yourself or I’ll break them.” Erin said.
“You’ve done that in the past…it mostly works.”
“Good.” She smiled and drank her wine. “I'm not sleepy though I know I should be. I was thinking that maybe I could look at some photo albums or something. You were taking plenty of pictures tonight so I'm sure we have some.”
“They're all in the cabinet under the bookshelves. We have a lot of them. There are also plenty of flash drives with pictures on them in your nightstand drawer.”
Erin got up and went over to the bookshelves. She opened the cabinet, taking the first two albums on top of the pile.
“They're in order.” Dave said. “That’s one of my quirks.”
“In order how?” Erin sat on the couch and opened the first one. It was a strip of black and white photo booth pictures.
“It’s in chronologically order; basically from our third date on.”
“Our third date was a photo booth?” she showed him the picture.
“We went to the movies and saw American Beauty. There was a photo booth at the theater and you got really excited when you saw it.”
“I love photo booths.”
“I know.” Dave nodded.
“My hair looks great in this picture.” She said, pointing to a picture of them in the park with the dog.
“Your hair always looks amazing.” He stood, stretched, and then picked up his tumbler from the table. “I'm going to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be busy. I'm picking up your parents at Dulles and then there's the last trip to the butcher for everything we need.”
“I can help…I can pick up my parents. I'm feeling better; I'm sure I can drive. I actually know where Dulles is.”
“It’s fine. You can stay here with the kids, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.” Erin shook her head. “Oh my God, look at this.”
“What?” Dave moved over to the loveseat and looked down at the photo album. It was a picture of the two of them, Dave standing in front of Erin. She leaned on him, her arm around his chest. They were both dressed in formal wear and the smile on her face was bliss. “That was your 35th birthday. Jason gave you a surprise dinner at DC Coast. We’d been dating for six months. I knew then that I wanted to marry you.”
“It’s a feeling you should’ve been used to having.” She looked up at him, unable to stop the grin that spread across her face.
“You're really funny.” He gave her arm a friendly poke. “At that point you only knew about my first wife. I wasn’t hiding but it wasn’t the easiest thing I ever told you.”
“You look good in a suit.” Erin ran her fingers over the picture before turning the page.
“I really do.” Dave bent and kissed her lips. “Goodnight. Oh hell, I'm sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for kissing me. That’s what I'm here for.”
He smiled. When he took Erin’s hand in his, she squeezed it. She wanted a hug, to hold him even though she hardly knew why. Erin suppressed the feeling, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes.
“Goodnight, David.” She slipped her hand out of his.
***
“I was a very busy women but I always made sure I had to time to clean and fold your clothes. Laundry was one of the few things your father was horrible at.” Joanna Strauss laughed. “I found it relaxing. It was better than being hunched over a typewriter or having to blah blah blah at some party.”
“Mum, you had a glamorous life, at least I think you did. Are you trying to tell me that you got more joy from folding my clothes? I may have took a bump on the head but that’s a little unbelievable.”
Joanna Strauss was a writer. For years she was part of the New York fashion and lifestyle scene writing for a variety of magazines. She was half-French, half-British and had grown up in the world of the elite and powerful. When that got boring, in the mid-80s, she wrote a series of glitz novels under her maiden name Joanna Kane. They made millions of dollars, a few TV movies, and she became a household name. Erin couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“My life was quite glamorous, and I loved it.” Joanna said. “But you were my baby. You were home, always so cuddly and warm. I didn’t have to come up with any intriguing conversation to make you happy. I could always be me…I could be mommy. I would never negate all that I've done. But being with you, and your father, made me the happiest.”
“Well, there was just one of me.” Erin said. “There are four of these guys.”
“At least Aaron and Emily can fold their own clothes.”
“Why did David and I adopt four kids?” Erin asked. “He told me that Derek and Penelope were kind of a package deal, but why didn’t we have children of our own?”
“You have no memory of that?” Joanna asked.
“I have no memory of anything.” Erin shook her head. “I try. I try so hard to grasp something, but its only darkness. I've never been more frustrated in my life.”
She sat down on the bed, still holding Penelope’s undershirt. She’d gone through pictures and looked at videos. Erin stayed up late and looked back on an entire life. Still nothing jogged the memories. It wasn’t as if her mind was foggy, like when she couldn’t remember a word or something she was trying to say. Nothing was there of the people who were supposed to be her family.
“Are you sure you want to talk about it?” her mother asked.
“Of course I do. I have to know; I have to know about my life. How can I remember you, Daddy, Sam, Jason, and not the man that I love so much? Why is one long memory gone but everything else is there? It makes no sense to me. I want to talk about it as much as I can.”
“You actually got pregnant before you and David got married.” Joanna replied. “You had a miscarriage at nine weeks. You had a second miscarriage after you’d been married for about two years.”
“Damn.” Erin closed her eyes.
“After Aaron lived with you guys for three months you found out you were pregnant a third time.”
“I must have been mortified.”
“You were nervous but quite hopeful. That hope grew when you got through the first trimester healthy.”
“I don’t know if I want to hear anymore.” Erin held up her hand. She didn’t have any biological children so something happened. Maybe no longer having those memories was a good thing. “I'm sorry Mum.”
“What are you sorry for?” Joanna sat next to her.
“Making you have to relive those things because I can't.”
“I'm here to help in whatever way I can.” Joanna squeezed her hand. “I'm sure this isn’t easy; I can only imagine. But your dad and I have your back 150%.”
“We should finish this laundry.” Erin tried to smile, standing up from the bed. “Daddy probably has his hands full downstairs.”
“He's playing Trivial Pursuit Kids with Penelope and Derek.” Joanna said. “I'm sure he’s getting his ass kicked.”
“Is he still a college professor?”
“He used to be before he retired; twenty years as head of Columbia’s Political Science Department. He also loves losing to his grandkids.”
“There's a part of me that almost thinks he was happier to see them than me.” Erin folded corduroys and then matched up several pairs of knee socks. Her youngest child definitely had an interesting sense of style.
“Well Erich and I only had one child.” Joanna said. “We never really regretted that decision but Erich was always concerned that you would have all of our hopes and aspirations thrust upon you. He wanted grandchildren but didn’t want to make you feel as if you had to have kids if you didn’t want to. You took your time, which was fine. Your father is the happiest grandpa in the world. I'm no slouch as a grandmother either.” She smiled.
She put her arms around her daughter and squeezed a bit. Joanna was so glad that Erin was going to be OK. The accident was scary, the memory loss a bit scarier, but she was still there. Erin was a fighter and would get through this. She would continue to be a good daughter and a good mother and a damn good FBI agent.
Joanna had little doubt about that. It would take time for her to get used to her role in the family. She could see the wheels in her daughter’s head turning, figuring out ways to embrace the new things she was learning. Her mother was going to hold her hand and have her back for every moment.
“I'm really glad you're here.” Erin held back her tears. It had only been two days but she’d cried way more times than she was comfortable with. “I don’t know if I could go through this alone.”
“You're never alone, sweetheart. It’s going to be such a wonderful Christmas. Promise me you’ll stop whirling around for just a few minutes; sit back and enjoy it.”
“I promise.” Erin nodded. “Cross my heart.”
***
“Knock, knock.” Erin tapped on Emily’s bedroom door, which was nearly closed. Then she walked in. “I just wanted to say goodnight to everyone. What are you listening to?”
Emily had one ear bud in and the other lying on her bed. Even though she was in pajamas, the teenager still had on the red and green devil horns. Her black hair was in two plaits. She sat up on her elbows, looking at her mother.
“Hey Mom.”
“Hi. What are you listening to?”
“The Carpenters.” She replied. “First I was listening to their Christmas album but then I just needed a little Rainy Days and Mondays. You know?”
“I do know that feeling.” Erin nodded.
“I'm glad you're here though. I need to find a way to wrap Zoe’s present without her figuring out what it is.”
“What did you get for her?”
“I got her a journal.” Emily pulled it out of the nightstand drawer. “Plus I bought this cool pen at the engraving store with her name on it. The pen is ruining the wrapping.”
“If we put it in a gift box stuffed with tissue paper so it won't move around,” Erin saw on the bed and held the journal. “Then you can wrap it rectangle shaped. Zoe will never know. I'm sure Dad and I have a few left over.”
“Thanks Mom.” Emily tried to smile but came up a little short. “Can I ask you something?”
“OK.”
“Now that you don’t know who we are, will you just leave and start a new life somewhere else? Zoe’s dad had a total midlife crisis and cheated with some lady who works for the DNC and she's like 30. Now her parents are getting a divorce. Her dad has some kind of Italian sports car and a brownstone in Georgetown. Her mom is super angry about the whole thing. She said she's going to take him for all he's worth so there's no money left for the girlfriend to spend. It sucks so hard for Zoe being in the middle of it.”
“I'm not going anywhere.” Erin shook her head. “It’s only been two days Emily…I'm sure my memory will return. I may not get it all back but I won't forget everything forever.”
“Do you really believe that?” Emily looked at her. “You don’t have to talk to me like I'm Penelope’s age. I can handle it.”
“You're 13 years old. There's nothing you need to handle except trying to guess what you're getting for Christmas and keeping your grades up after the break. Please don’t make me regret that nose ring more than the me who doesn’t remember already does.”
“I'm being serious; what if you never remember us.” Emily pressed the issue. She just couldn’t understand how her mother would want to live a life that she had no memory of. What is she’d wanted to go for a while and this was just the excuse she needed?
“I can't promise that all my memories will return.” Erin said. “But I promise that I will always be your mom. We’ll make new memories and have new adventures. What other choice do we have?”
Erin wondered now if her marriage was as good as everyone said it was. Often people put on masks in front of their friends and loved ones. Her first marriage failed miserably. She surely wouldn’t want her second to do the same, especially with four kids involved. Those kids were there every day and saw the inner workings of Erin’s personal life, even if she tried to hide it from them.
Was Emily so scared that her mother would go because she had a good reason to? Were there unsightly monsters under the shiny rock that was the Rossi-Strauss marriage? Asking a 13 year old such a thing, even vaguely, was irresponsible. Erin would talk more about it with her mother and best friend Ursula when she got the chance. They wouldn’t lie to her and even if they tried, she would know.
“Tell me something about your brothers and sister. Maybe hearing about them will jog my memory.”
“Hotch has a girlfriend.” Emily said. “He tries to pretend he doesn’t but they text all the time. Her name is Beth; she's nice. She's in our class at school. Derek is my hero…he's the best little brother ever.
“He’s funny, kind, and really brave. That’s the kind of kid you always want on your team. Penelope is a typical seven year old. She wears lots of sparkly clothes. She loves Ramona Quimby books and wants to be a witch when she grows up like Minerva McGonagall. I guess that’s all.”
“What about you?” Erin asked.
“What about me?”
“You haven’t told me anything about you.”
“You asked me to tell me something about my brothers and sister.” Emily said.
“Are you always so…?”
“Mmm hmm, usually.” The teenager nodded.
“I remember that it wasn’t always easy to be a teenage girl.” Erin said. “It wasn’t that long ago for me.”
“Ugh Mom,” Emily pretended to swoon as she rolled her eyes. “Please don’t. Please, please, please don’t. Have mercy on me.”
“You were worried that I would leave you guys.”
“Zoe just didn’t see it coming. It’s all so out of control. She knew her parents weren’t happy people; we talked about that. Next thing you know, her dad is packing boxes.” Emily shrugged. “It’s a concern.”
“Can I have a hug?” Erin asked. She had a feeling that they could both use one.
“I love you, Mom.” Emily put her arms around her.
“I love you too.” Erin kissed her forehead.
“You don’t even remember me. How do you know that?”
“You're my daughter. How could I not love you with every fiber of my being?” she kissed her again. “You need to get some sleep. I'm sure the next few days will be crazy around here.”
“The past few had their moments.” Emily said. “Will you help me wrap Zoe’s gift tomorrow? We’re going to hang out after brunch and I want to give it to her then.”
“Sure I will. How are you getting to Zoe’s?”
“You were supposed to take me.”
“I'm feeling better now, mostly, so I’ll take you. Nan will go with us so I don’t get lost.”
“Good plan.” Emily smiled. “She knows her way around town and Zoe doesn’t live too far.”
“Alright. Goodnight, Emily.”
“Goodnight, Mom.”
Erin walked out of the room, pulling the door up like she found it. The house was quiet as she stood in the middle of the hallway. Her parents occupied the guest room now, sound asleep or close to it. She could either go downstairs to sleep on the sectional or walk into the master bedroom.
Erin had been the one to suggest they share a bed. She wasn’t sure how to back out now. She wasn’t sure she wanted to back out. There seemed to be no way of doing any of this without hurting Dave and their kids. They would all need to sit down and talk soon. The holidays were just so insane even when things were normal.
The holidays with a wife and mother of four suffering from a dissociative fugue state was nothing short of a disaster. Erin took a deep breath, her hand falling on her stomach. The butterflies were going nuts and she doubted there was any way to stop them. She walked down the hall, feeling the carpet beneath her fuzzy slipper socks. When Erin came into the bedroom, she found it empty. Not completely empty, Mudgie the dog was asleep on the bed.
“David? David, are you here?”
“I'm here.” He poked his head out of the bathroom.
“Oh, I…I didn’t even realize…” Erin exhaled as her shoulders slumped. “I'm past exhausted.”
“I'm sure you are. It’s time to get a good night’s sleep.”
“Which side of the bed is mine?” she asked.
“The side our dog is currently enjoying. I’ll be right out; I’ll move him for you.”
“No,” Erin shook her head. “I think I can handle it. Let me handle it, OK.”
“OK.” He smiled and went back into the bathroom.
Erin walked over to the bed, which was huge, and looked at the sleeping retriever. He could take up a lot of space and didn’t mind doing so.
“OK Mudgie, its Mudgie right? Time to get up. C'mon Mudgie.”
He opened his eyes from his nap. He looked at Erin, really seemed to be looking at her as if trying to gauge what she was thinking or feeling. Then he got up and went to the bottom of the bed. It wasn’t going to take long to get right back to sleep.
“Good dog.” She smiled.
“You’ve had him in the palm of your hand since the day you two met.” Dave came out of the bathroom dressed in pajamas pants and a U.S. Marines tee shirt. “You always said you weren’t a dog person.”
“I'm not. Is he allowed to sleep in bed with us?”
“Yes, in fact you usually insist on it. If he hasn’t found his way into one of the kids’ rooms that is. I try to put him on the couch but mommy has his back.”
“This bed is huge.” Erin said. She climbed over his side and onto hers, closest to the wall. “I'm sure the three of us can…why are you looking at me like that?”
“That’s one of your things.” Dave replied.
“What's one of my things?”
“You climb over the bed from my side to yours. I remember the first night we were together and you saw the California king size and all you could do was laugh. You dove onto it as if we were a pool. Since then, never once, have you walked to your side of the bed and climbed in. You always come from my side. You even climb over me sometimes.”
“It’s so unfair that you have all these great memories of me and I don’t have them of you. I know that’s not your fault.” Erin quickly clarified. “Still, I wish…”
“It’s going to come back.” Dave walked over to the bed but didn’t sit down or get in.
“How can you be so sure?”
“I have faith.” He sat down, still looking at her. “I love you and I have faith. You're being a good sport about it; I don’t mean that in a condescending way either.”
“Can I ask you a few questions since the holidays aren't going to last forever?”
“Sure.”
“When am I scheduled to go back to work?” Erin asked.
“January 7th. You wanted to spend time with the kids during their school break. I canceled all writing for next week so we could squeeze in a few family things. We were only able to schedule two things. Turns out our kids have busier lives than we do.”
“Are Emily and I close?”
“Yeah.” Dave nodded. “You can butt heads, your personalities are quite similar, but you are close. When I came back from my book tour in the middle of September, I walked in the house to see that you guys had successfully started up the gas grill. You were making steak and shrimp kabobs and singing every song on the Tapestry album. I was glad I got to see that.”
“I'm going to um, talk to Ursula and Jason and I want to be honest with you about that. I'm going to talk to them about our marriage and that’s probably going to be weird but I can't do this on my own. And since I'm the only one here who knows nothing I have to speak to those who do. I hope that doesn’t make you too uncomfortable.”
“I have nothing to hide where our marriage is concerned and neither do you Erin. I want you to do whatever you need to where your memories and feelings are concerned. Do you want to make a pillow barrier?”
“Is this sleep away camp?” she asked smiling.
“Cut me a break, will you?”
“I don’t think so, Agent Rossi. Damn,” she put her hand on her stomach. “There it is again.”
“What? Are you alright?”
“I say something or I think something and I get this feeling in my belly. I can't really describe it, it’s like this pull. I don't know,” Erin shook her head. “It’s time to call it a night. We don’t have to do the pillow barrier. C'mere.”
She leaned over on the bed and Dave met her halfway. Erin softly kissed his lips, stroking his cheek.
“Goodnight.” She whispered, still close to him.
“Goodnight, baby.”
Dave drew her into another kiss, a passionate kiss. Erin wrapped her arms around his neck. She whimpered when he pulled her to him, her body pressed against his. He felt so damn good; familiar, hard, soft and warm, he felt like home. The way his hands moved up, from her hips to her sides, to around and under her nightshirt to stroke her bare back…Erin had goose bumps all over. Did she feel them every time he touched her? If she did then she was one lucky woman.
“I love you so much.” He murmured against her lips as the kissing intensified. “Oh God, baby.”
“David, David…David…”
“Should we stop?” it was so hard to pull away. He would if she wanted him to but that didn’t make it easy. Smiling, he twirled a finger through her blonde hair.
“The door’s wide open.” Erin said. “The kids, my parents…”
“I’ll close it, lock it, and put a chair in front of it. All you have to do is say so.”
“I think closing it will do just fine.” She nodded.
Dave kissed her nose. He bounded off the bed, closed the door, and was back in her arms in about 30 seconds. Erin leaned on his shoulder and laughed.
“What?”
“You make me laugh.”
“Yes I do.” He nodded.
“So, make love to me.”
000
She’d come three times…his fingers, his mouth, him. When he moaned her name all Erin could do was respond in kind. When he said he loved her, she was sure that few things in the world were truer. They hadn’t even made it under the covers. How refreshing was it to lie as naked as newlyweds on top of the blankets?
“I don’t want anyone to come in and find us.” She said.
“It’s pretty late baby; everyone’s asleep.”
“We may have woken them.”
“We’re usually a bit quieter than that.” Dave laughed, kissing her forehead. “Not that I'm complaining one bit.”
“That’s gonna take some practice.”
“I'm up for it if you are.”
“I'm not up for anything at the moment. Oh my God, I'm not even sure I can move my legs.”
It took some time but Erin and Dave finally made their way under the covers. They lie together, spooning, Erin humming softly as sleep began to envelope her. She felt so comfortable in his arms and they were strangers. The feeling of his heart beating on her shoulder blade…she felt the feelings down deep. Trying to think of words to express herself was impossible. She snuggled closer and Dave held her tight.
“I want to remember.” She whispered.
“I know you do.” He kissed her shoulder.
“I know you're not perfect, I know our life isn’t, but it’s still our life. I want to be a part of it.”
“You are, Erin. This is just a temporary setback.”
“There's one thing that concerns me though.”
“What is it?” Dave slid his hand across her belly and felt the butterflies. Erin quivered in his arms.
“Did Mudgie just watch us have sex?” she asked.
“Yes and no.”
“You're gonna have to tell me how both are the answer.”
“He never left the room but he was much more concerned with his nap than us. You're the one who said he could sleep on the bed.”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that at the present time.”
“You're probably going to use that against me for the rest of your life.” Dave laughed. “What defense will I have?”
“Don’t make jokes David Rossi.” She playfully pinched his arm.
He wanted to make jokes. For the first time since he pulled her out of that car the other night, Dave felt happy. It wasn’t just about the sex, which was as wonderful as it always was. He was holding Erin in his arms. She was alive, comfortable, and laughing.
She might still have no memory of him but she was laughing. He felt the change in her mood, her entire being. She wasn’t so much the tigress trapped in a cage, beating her head against the bars. Even if it only lasted for the night, for a moment, she was herself again. Dave was happier for Erin than he was for himself.
He knew, remembered, and nothing had changed for him. She had to take the walk all over again. This fugue state might lift…that’s what normally happened. That didn’t mean all of her memories would return. There might be gaps, holes that she would never be able to fill. But as long as she could laugh they were all going to make it through.
“I know this sounds insane but I'm afraid to go to sleep.” Erin said. “What if I wake up in the morning and I'm not here anymore?”
“I'm holding onto you. You’re not going anywhere, and if you do we’re going together. That’s a promise.”
***
“You're going to be in bed at that hour.” Erin said. “Santa doesn’t stop at the house of kids who stay up too late.”
“We’re going to make him finger sandwiches this year, right Daddy?” Penelope asked. “No cookies.”
Erin looked at Dave with a raised eyebrow. The family, including Erin’s mother and father, were walking through the parking lot of the Fairfax Diner. Every Christmas Eve they went there for brunch during the last rush of the holiday. It was a chance to relax and be waited on. It was a chance to talk about last minute gift thoughts and family plans. It was a chance to breathe, something they could all use at the moment.
“Two weeks ago Penelope saw a segment on the news about Type 2 diabetes.” Dave said. “She thinks Santa could be in some trouble.”
“The lady on TV said if you're overweight, eat too much sugar, and don’t exercise enough you could be in danger. All Santa does is eat cookies, Mommy. And he's kinda fat too, though that’s not nice to say so we call him cuddly. I don’t want him to get sick. Who will bring me my presents if he does?”
“Finger sandwiches are a really good idea.” Erin said. “I'm sure Santa will appreciate you looking out for his health.”
“Yes,” Dave tapped his stomach. “He will.”
“Dad, do you mind riding home with Dave and the kids? Mum and I are going to take Emily to her friend Zoe’s house.”
“I don’t mind.” Erich and Derek were walking a bit behind the rest of the family, enjoying a heated game of Rochambeau. “He’s beating me 10 fists to 4.”
“I'm trying to go easy on him.” Derek smiled.
“Is Mrs. Hawkes going to bring you home?” Dave asked Emily.
“I think so, but I’ll call when I know for sure.”
“Mrs. Hawkes?” Erin looked at her daughter.
“Zoe’s last name is Hawkes.” Emily said.
“Do you mind if I ask what her father’s name is?”
“Bruno. I'm sure you know him. He works at Langley but does some things with the FBI. He's a bigwig or something.”
Dave unlocked the car door with his key remote. He leaned a little closer to his wife.
“Do you know him, baby?”
“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.” Erin replied.
“Try me.”
“We’ll talk about it later. There's something else I want to tell you as well.”
“OK.”
Erich Strauss handed his daughter the keys to her old Beamer. Luckily it was in fine working condition since the new one was mostly scrap metal. Erin shuddered thinking about how she survived that impact with barely a scratch. It was surely a miracle.
“Ursula might be at the house or close to it when you get there.” Erin said. “She called this morning to say she was bringing the cake and pies by for tomorrow.”
“I'm going to be pretty busy for the rest of the afternoon.” Dave said. “I’ll definitely be there when she arrives. We’ll see you guys later.”
Derek, Hotch, and Penelope all waved as Erin, Joanna, and Emily walked away.
“Emily, you can sit in the front and give directions.” Joanna said. “You know the way to Zoe’s from here?”
“I know the way to Zoe’s from everywhere, Nan. I even know it from Washington, DC.”
“How long have you two been best friends?” Erin asked as they got into the car.
“We met in the fifth grade.” Emily replied. “I kinda made fun of her red hair and then she kicked me. We've been tight ever since. We decided she's gonna be Black Widow, I’ll be Hawkeye, and we’ll go make trouble in Budapest.”
“Just remember to know all the laws of any given country before you break them.” Joanna said.
“Right on, Nan.” Emily smiled.
“Don’t encourage mayhem, Mum.” Erin said. She was looking for the way out of the parking lot.
“I'm pretty good with mayhem.” The teenager said.
“That doesn’t surprise me in the least.”
“Don’t let your mom fool you…she can do mayhem with the best of them.” Joanna laughed. “She had her hell raiser moments.”
“I knew it!” Emily exclaimed.
“Mum!” Erin exclaimed at the same time.
“Which comic book hero would you be, Mom?”
“Jean Grey, I think.”
“Original Jean Grey or Phoenix Jean Grey?” Emily asked.
“That’s a tough one. I think I connect more with Phoenix. I didn’t know that you liked the X-Men.” Erin replied. She didn’t know much about her daughter at all.
“They're alright…Hotch is the one obsessed with them. Did you know Stan Lee started that comic to be able to get away with social commentary on racism, privilege, and the Civil Rights Movement? I read that online. Oh, turn right up here and then go down three stop signs.”
Erin looked at her mother in the rearview mirror. Joanna gave her a knowing smile. This is what parents and kids did, they talked. She remembered when Erin went through her Nancy Drew phase. Almost every conversation they had was about the teenage detective.
Joanna learned so much from and about her daughter from those conversations. Even if you didn’t quite know what they were talking about, being open to your children and listening would always be the right thing. Erin was a bit behind since she didn’t remember her kids. It would be hard work but her little girl wasn’t afraid of doing what was needed to make things right.
***
Laughing, Derek climbed down from the top bunk. He did a flying leap into his mother’s arms. Erin hugged him tight and kissed his forehead. She’d only been a mother for three days; there were many things she had to get used to. It wasn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows but this was one of her favorite parts so far.
Hotch and Derek’s room combined both boys’ vastly different personalities but somehow worked. They had loft bunk beds; Hotch’s full-size on the bottom and Derek’s twin on top. The stairs also doubled as drawers. Hotch had a desk where he kept his laptop and things for school. Derek had a beanbag chair and scattered action figures. There was another dresser, a bookshelf, random posters and pictures torn out of magazines and taped to the walls. Some of it was clean, some of it was messy, but it was so very them.
“I want you to go straight to sleep.” She said.
“Aww c'mon, Mom, I'm not Penelope.” Derek went back to his bed. “I don’t even know if I believe in all of that Santa stuff.”
“Alright, well how about you go straight to sleep so you won't fall asleep in your dinner tomorrow.”
“I can get down with that.” He grinned, throwing the messy blankets over him.
“Goodnight, Aaron.” Erin kissed his cheek too.
“Goodnight, Mom.”
“I’ll see you guys in the morning.”
She blew them a kiss before leaving the room. Penelope was in the room next door, already in bed but not tucked in. Erin went in and kissed her. Then she tucked her into the bed. Penelope cuddled with her teddy bear.
“Santa’s gonna come, right?” she asked. “I gave him my list and I was good all year. Well, except for the toilet paper thing. Daddy says I shouldn’t pass the buck but it was mostly Mudgie’s fault.”
“I'm sure Santa knows how good you’ve been all year.” Erin smiled. “I don’t remember it but I'm sure the toilet paper incident can be overlooked.”
“It’s not a toy but I did ask Santa to help you get your memory back and remember me if he could. I don’t know if he can but I asked anyway.”
“That was really sweet.” Erin kissed her again. “You're a great little girl.”
“I love you, Mommy.”
“I love you too.” She got up from the bed. “Now straight to sleep so Santa won't skip the house.”
“OK.” Penelope turned on her side, slipping a hand under her head.
Erin turned the light out but the Charmander lamp kept the room from going completely dark. For just a moment Erin stood outside the door. In yellow construction paper covered in glitter, Penelope had cut out the letters of her name and put them on the door. Underneath was a little sign that said ‘baby animals welcome’.
To emphasize, there were pictures of kittens, puppies, panda bears, and even a wombat. Erin found herself smiling thinking of what the toilet paper incident could possibly be. She’d seen Mudgie in action. It was entirely possible that the dog played a heavy role in it.
Walking past the bathroom, Erin stopped last at Emily’s door. Her oldest daughter seemed to be half dozing off and half playing games on her tablet. Emily rubbed her eyes, putting her tablet on the nightstand.
“It’s time for bed.” Erin said.
“It’s past time. I'm on a school break but I'm always tired. I should be staying up late and getting into all kinds of shenanigans.”
“Maybe next year.” Her mother smiled. “I just wanted to say goodnight.”
“I thought I would give you your present early.” Emily said.
Erin didn’t know what to say. She walked into the bedroom as Emily got up from the bed. The teenager went into her top dresser drawer, pulling out a box. Then she's sat down on the bed beside Erin.
“I know you don’t remember this but every year you take us to see the National Ballet perform The Nutcracker.” She said.
“Did we go this year?” Erin asked.
“Yeah, and then we always have dinner at the Georgetown Diner afterwards. We drive through the neighborhoods to see the Christmas lights and stuff; it’s a big family thing.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun. When I was a kid my parents would drive with me to Brooklyn, my dad grew up there, and we’d look at all the lights and decorations during the holidays. Then there was always a big dinner at Uncle Mike’s or Aunt Constance’s house. Christmas was the one time of year that we were all together. Family was important but life always took us in so many different directions. We always got back together for that.”
“Open your gift.” Emily handed her the box.
Erin held it for a moment. She had no idea what it was but her hands were trembling. She had a daughter, on the edge of womanhood, and they were having a moment. There were so many moments with her mother over the years; Erin cherished them. She looked up to Joanna. The idea that there was a girl, two girls, that looked up to her was mind boggling. Erin hugged her and exhaled.
“OK, let’s see what it is.” She tore the Christmas wrapping from the box. Then she opened it. Erin pulled out the sterling silver music box. The top of it was engraved with the words ‘you and me’.
When she opened the box, a ballerina danced on her toes. In her arms she held her daughter who was also dressed as a ballerina. The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy played as mother and daughter spun. Erin looked at her daughter. “Emily, it’s beautiful.”
“I know you like that kind of thing. And I thought the ballerina would be like the two of us.”
“Yeah.” Erin stroked the intricate designs on the box.
“You might not remember Mom, but I always will.”
“I know Emily.” She put her arm around her daughter. “I really, really love it. Thank you so much.”
“You're welcome.” Emily kissed her cheek. “I'm going to bed now. I know tomorrow is gonna be a long day.”
Erin nodded, fighting her urge to tuck in Emily just as she had Penelope. She got up from the bed and went over to the door. Emily smiled at her once more; Erin turned off the overhead light. The lava lamps on Emily’s dresser, one red and the other silver, created psychedelic colors on the walls. She pulled the door closed and went to the master bedroom.
Dave wasn’t there, so Erin climbed over to her side of the bed. After hugging it close, Erin put the music box on her nightstand. Then she drew her knees up to her chest and started to cry. Mudgie, who was at the bottom of the bed, walked up to her. The retriever put his large head on her knee.
When Erin sobbed, he licked her face. She didn’t bother to push him away. It was actually nice to be comforted and not feel as if she had to do anything in return. Her family wasn’t putting pressure on her; everyone did their best to give her space.
But she was a wife and mother. There wasn’t a lot of space to be had at the moment. Soon she was hugging Mudgie, crying into his coarse brown fur. Erin wasn’t sure but she thought the dog was actually hugging her back.
“Hey, what's wrong?” Dave came into the room. He sat down on the bed, stroking Erin’s hair. She moved into his arms and wrapped herself in his embrace. For a while all three of them, Dave, Erin, and Mudgie, were hugging. The dog eventually gave the couple space when he was sure Erin was going to be OK.
“I don’t remember my kids.” She sobbed. “They're awesome and I don’t remember them.”
“You’ve got to give yourself time.” Dave’s tone was comforting. “I know that’s not easy when you're surrounded daily by the things you want to remember. I wish I could say something to make it better.”
“Just hold me.” Erin buried her head in his chest.
“I'm not letting go.”
Dave leaned back against the pillows and just held her. He knew that she would push herself too hard; it’s what Erin always did. Right now that was exactly the opposite of what she needed to do. No matter what he said she was going to do it anyway. Dave couldn’t imagine what it was like to forget the people you loved the most in an instant. She left home one morning a few days ago and might never come back.
“I had a dream last night.” Erin whispered. She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes.
“What about?”
“I was in the middle of the woods but standing on a pier. It was early evening; the sky was so many amazing colors. There was a lake there and I skipped stones for a while. I felt so tranquil, even in my sleep I felt tranquil.
“Then you showed up. I guess because it’s a dream, you literally just showed up. You were there, holding me from behind and we were swaying together. You brushed my hair aside and kissed my neck.
“The feeling when your lips touched my skin made me shiver. Then you whispered in my ear, ‘I need to ask you something’. I turned to look at you and asked what. Then I woke up. I never got to hear a reply because I woke up.”
“You dreamed that?” Dave asked.
“Yeah.” She nodded and looked up at him.
“That was more than a dream, Erin. That was a memory.”
“What do you mean?”
“I took you up to my cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains.” Dave replied. “I’d never taken a woman up there…it was my man place. But there was something about you and I wanted to share that place with you. I proposed to you on that pier by the lake. I whispered in your ear that I needed to ask you something. You asked what and I proposed.”
“It was a memory?” Erin sat up and really looked at her husband.
“I think it was a memory.” Dave nodded.
“Well I need to go to bed right now.” She threw the covers back and then cocooned herself in them. “I need to have more memories.”
“Alright.” He laughed.
“Turn out the lights, David. I need to go to sleep.”
Dave got out of bed and turned off the overhead light. When he got into bed with his wife, Dave reached over and turned off the lamp on his nightstand. Erin turned off her lamp too. Despite what happened last night, there was an awkward moment in their California king size bed.
“Is it alright if…?” Dave cleared his throat.
Erin didn’t bother to answer, she just moved into his arms. Dave exhaled as he held her close. Mudgie came from the bottom of the bed closer to his masters. They all cuddled together and it was a nice feeling.
“I love you, baby.” He kissed her forehead. “You don’t have to say a thing.”
“I can't tell you that I love you?” Erin slid her hand under his tee shirt and rubbed Dave’s belly.
“You're going through enough right now. Let me do it for the both of us. You can get me back later.”
“I promise I will.”
***
“Let’s add it to the insane things that have happened in my life lately. The Weather Channel said it’s going to be freezing and snowing by the weekend. I'm thinking it’s a sign of the apocalypse.”
“How are you, kiddo?” Ursula put her arm around Erin’s shoulder.
“You’ve always called me kiddo. You're only 3 years older than me but always called me kiddo.” She took one of Ursula’s clove, letting her friend light it for her.
“I never told you that story?”
“No.” Erin shook her head. “Well, I shouldn’t say that. The recent past is pretty sketchy…maybe you can jog my memory.”
“When we first met, I totally wanted to fuck you.” Ursula said. “I started calling you kiddo because that’s what I called my little brother growing up and I thought it would pacify my fantasies.”
“Did it work?”
“Not really.” Ursula took a deep inhale of her clove. “It actually made it worse in the beginning but the name stuck.”
Erin laughed, leaning on her best friend as the delightful sound came from her belly. Ursula wrapped her arm around Erin’s chest. That’s how they stood while smoking their cloves. Christmas with four kids, friends, and family had been overwhelming but fun. Luckily Dave and Erin were just sleeping when Derek and Penelope came charging in at 7:30 in the morning.
“Merry Christmas!” they exclaimed.
“You guys know the rules.” Dave mumbled as Mudgie jumped out of bed to join the fun. “We don’t open presents till nine.”
“Can we wake Nan and Pop-Pop?” Derek asked.
“You can knock on the door and see if they're ready to get up.” Erin replied. She tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes but she was exhausted.
“What if Mudgie accidentally rips the paper off the presents?” Penelope asked.
“Out.” Dave laughed, pointing to the bedroom door. “We’ll see you guys in a little while.”
“OK.” The seven and ten year old spoke in unison. Then they ran out of the room, Mudgie on their heels. Derek closed the door behind them.
“When we have grandchildren we’ll probably love the idea of them waking us on Christmas at the crack of dawn.” Erin said. She was already closing her eyes again. She smiled when her husband snuggled close and she felt his erection. “Whoa, Agent Rossi, is that a yule log in your pajama pants or are you just happy to see me?”
“Really?” Dave laughed, burying his face in her shoulder. “That’s what you’ve got?”
“It’s the first thing that popped into my head.” Erin laughed too.
“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”
“It can be good.” She lay back on the mattress, practically pulling her husband on top of her. Somewhere down deep she must’ve really loved Dave because she never cared for kissing a man before oral hygiene took place. This morning she didn’t give a damn.
“What did you dream about last night?” he asked, gently moving her thighs apart and settling his body between them.
“I don’t really remember. I just remember snow and being in the car…it could’ve been anything.” Erin caressed Dave’s face. “I had a good memory though. I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time but it was and I'm happy. We should celebrate.”
“What do you want to do?” Dave put his face in the crook of her neck, nibbling her skin.
“We’re both pretty smart.” She pulled Dave’s tee shirt up and over his head. “I know we’ll think of something.”
“You seemed happy today.” Ursula said. “I've known you a long time; know when you're faking.”
“I'm not faking.” Erin shook her head. She got rid of one clove, taking another. She and Ursula lit up.
“I know that. Are you remembering things?”
“I've only had one memory since the accident. It was about the day David proposed to me. But I've always loved Christmas. I'm so happy to have my family here; Sam and Jessie, you and Rachel. It makes me feel more comfortable. In the other life I lived, things were so busy that I didn’t always remember to stop and breathe. I didn’t remember to make time for and memories with the people I loved most. Not to mention that my kids are fantastic.”
“They're good kids.” Ursula nodded. “Rachel wants a couple.”
“A couple of what?”
“Kids.”
“Seriously?” Erin looked at her best friend. She picked up her martini, taking a long sip. “You’ve never been a big fan. I definitely remember that.”
“Nope…but I love my wife.”
“As someone who's recently been thrust into the joys of motherhood, I have to tell you to think really hard.”
“I already have; she brought it up last summer. I've known for a long time Rach wanted to be a mom. I knew in marrying her that I would have to be one as well. A couple of rugrats might be nice. At the very least it'll be an adventure.”
“Tell me about it.”
They were laughing when Dave walked into the doorway. He watched them for a while before clearing his throat.
“Hey.” Erin and Ursula spoke at the same time. For some reason it made them laugh more.
“We’re going to cut these pies and watch The Grinch one more time before the night ends.” Dave said. “Mom is being requested.”
“Cartoon or live action version?” Ursula asked, looking at her watch. “And Aunt Ursula wasn’t being requested? That saddens me.”
“It’s the cartoon version and everyone was asking about the pies you baked.” Dave replied. “It’s kind of the same thing.”
“We’ll be there in five minutes.” Erin said. She held up her clove and martini glass. “We’re just going to finish this.”
“Alright.”
Her husband winked at her and went back into the house.
“I think I like him.” She said. “I think I haven’t felt this way in a long time.”
“There's a lot to like.” Ursula said. “Dave has a high quotient of cocky bastard but wears it well. He's crazy about you, kiddo.”
“So I hear. We have a good marriage right? I'm not faking it like I was with Eli, am I? I'm happy, right?”
“Yeah, you are.” Ursula nodded. “You're busy, you're tired, sometimes you take Ambien to fall asleep, and we've had a couple of conversations about taking up weed smoking again, but you're happy. C'mon, let’s get back inside and let the happiness continue.”
Smiling, Erin squeezed her best friend’s hand as they walked back into the house.
000
“I really did.” Erin nodded. “Did you have a good day?”
“Yeah.” Derek smiled. He couldn’t sleep so he was downstairs in the den cuddled on the couch with his mother. The house was quiet now. The guests were gone; the festivities over.
Christmas was usually the most exhausting day of his life. He should’ve passed out immediately upon hitting the pillow but maybe too much was on his mind. “I don’t know which was my favorite but the official Mace Windu purple light saber is high on the list.”
“You don’t have to choose a favorite. You get to enjoy all of them.”
“Did you have any memories today?” Derek asked.
“I don’t want you worrying about me, Derek. I made wonderful memories today and that’s what I choose to focus on.”
“You're my mom…I'm always going to worry.”
“It’s supposed to be the other way around.” Erin said.
“Says who?” he raised his eyebrow.
“Says me, mister.” She hugged him, kissing his forehead.
“I looked up that dissociative thing on Hotch’s laptop.” Derek said. “It was pretty confusing.”
“Yeah, it can be.”
“You think if you conk yourself on the head again, all the memories will come back? It could be like reverse psychology or something. I saw that on the Discovery Channel.”
“What do you think this is, Newhart?” Erin laughed a bit.
“Huh?”
“Nevermind…before your time. The brain is a complicated and amazing organ, Derek. No one truly knows how it works or doesn’t work. Doctors can only speculate, guess, and hope. Of course those things lead to awesome discoveries.”
“Do you mean like how Rainman can do all that crazy math stuff but doesn’t know how to work a toaster?” Derek asked. “Is that what you mean by complicated?”
“Something like that.”
“You still remember how to be in the FBI though, right? You're still gonna kick bad guy butt?”
“The bad guys do not stand a chance. That’s a promise.”
“OK.” Derek grinned.
“Alright bud,” Dave came out of the kitchen. Everything was finally cleaned up and put away. It was time to come down from the high before passing out. “I think it’s time for you to try and sleep again. You’ve been up an extra hour. The longer you wait, the harder it’s gonna be.”
“But I just lay there and it sucks.” Derek said. He sat up on the couch in his Iron Man pajamas, another Christmas gift. “My eyelids started to hurt from keeping them closed too long.”
“Sometimes when I can't sleep,” Erin said. “I talk to myself. Don’t talk too loud though because you don’t want to wake your brother.”
“What do I say?” Derek asked.
“I used to tell myself little stories, silly things really. Or I would recite poems in my head that I loved. I would just breathe in and out and talk. Next thing I knew, I was dreaming.”
“Does that really work?” the ten year old couldn’t help looking at her with skepticism. Skepticism was pretty much his default position.
“It works. It’s not a 100% guarantee but worth a try. Go on, I’ll check on you in a half hour or so.”
“OK.”
Derek sighed, getting up from the couch. He hugged his mother and told her that he loved her.
“I love you too, Derek.”
“Night Dad, I love you. Thanks for the light saber.”
“Love you too; and you're welcome.”
Dave high fived and then hugged his son. Derek called to Mudgie, surprisingly the retriever followed him upstairs. Dave sighed too before falling into a chair. Erin tried to give him a reassuring smile.
“Do you want anything to eat or drink?” he asked.
“You do realize that you’ve been at everyone’s beck and call today?” Erin countered.
“I'm OK.”
“You need to relax.”
“I like to keep busy.”
“Well I’d like to make sure someone is here to help me raise our kids. This day is officially over for you.”
“I'm going to get my yearly physical in two weeks.” Dave said. “That’s one of my Christmas gifts to you.”
“It sounds like a good one. You really spoiled me today.”
“I love you. I love spoiling you and always have. Trying to keep it under control isn’t always easy.”
“Clearly.” Erin smirked. She stood from the couch. “Do you want some tea? I think you should have some tea.”
“I’d love some.”
Walking into the kitchen, Erin went straight to the kettle. She filled it with water, put it back on the stove, and went to the cabinet for teabags. Though it was foreign to her, Erin became familiar with the house quickly. Something inside of her just knew it and she wasn’t going to fight that feeling anymore.
Every night she went to sleep, Erin thought she might wake up somewhere else. She still feared that she was in a coma and living in a dream sequence. It scared her but Erin pushed the feeling to the pit of her stomach. In some ways nothing felt more real than this.
“I know I've said it before.” Erin came back into the den with two tea cups. She sat down on the couch. “But our kids are pretty wonderful.”
“I love them to pieces.” Dave said. “They’ve made every day of our lives an adventure.”
“Being with them today was such fun. Being with everyone today was fun. It was overwhelming, but I still think it was good for me. They're really worried about my memories.”
“The kids?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “We’re going to have to talk to them soon.”
“I have no idea how we’re going to do that.” He said. “I haven’t had much time to think about it. Having said that, I've also thought of it constantly.”
“Me neither really, but that doesn’t mean we can keep avoiding it.”
“Your parents are leaving on the 29th. We’ll talk to them after that.”
Life was going to have to return to normal, no matter how abnormal it was at the moment. Dave didn’t want to think about the possibility that Erin might never regain her memory. He knew his fair share about dissociative fugue states. They were rare, and there were even those doctors who didn’t believe they were a real medical condition.
Most didn’t last longer than a few days, which had already passed in their case. His wife took a nasty knock on the head. Despite her lack of physical injuries, it was clear something went wrong. Maybe getting more doctors involved was best for everyone. Maybe it was irresponsible that Dave hadn’t done so already.
“We can see a doctor before we talk to the kids.” He said. “Jason might be able to recommend someone in DC. They're going to have plenty of questions. The conversation will go smoother if we have some kind of answers.”
“You want me to see a shrink?” Erin asked.
“Shrinks aren't the only kind of doctors who work with this kind of issue. I just want to know what's going on, that’s all, and I know that you do as well. I won't force you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, Erin.”
“You wouldn’t have to force me.” She shook her head. “Whatever we have to do then we’ll do it. I have other people to think about; not just myself.”
Dave reached over and took Erin’s hand. She smiled, holding it to her cheek. Then she pulled him out of the chair and onto the couch with her. Dave laughed some, putting his arm around her. Erin snuggled close, kissed his cheek, and went back to her tea.
“I kinda like you, David Rossi.”
“I kinda love you, Erin Strauss.”
“And we can do this right?”
“Yeah,” Dave nodded. “We’ve been doing it and we’re going to keep on doing it. I have absolute faith in our success.”
“OK.”
“I promise.” He hugged her tighter.
“How did you know I…nevermind?” She smiled and shook her head.
***
It was raining again three days after Christmas. The rain seemed to be here to stay even though this wasn’t typically a rainy time of year. The only good part about the rain meant that the temperature rarely went below freezing. If the city got a major ice storm, the consequences would be far reaching. Right now the rain was falling light but steady.
The Weather Channel said there could be up to an inch before this front moved up the east coast. Cold weather was following behind it. The friends met up for lunch at McHale’s. It was a small restaurant but Jason loved their salads. He had the steak salad with raspberry vinaigrette. Erin picked over the fire grilled chicken with provolone.
“I'm not dying.” She replied. “The MRI and CAT scan were both clear. There was no sign of a tumor, an aneurysm, a stroke, bleeding on the brain; nothing. I passed all the neurological tests with flying colors. Of course fugue is a psychological problem, not neurological. They told us that the accident could’ve caused it, but can't say definitively. They can't tell us that my memories are going to come back.”
“Have you had any memories?”
“Other than the dream I had,” Erin shook her head. “Not really. Wait, the other day for some strange reason I remembered that Penelope’s favorite song was The 59th Street Bridge Song. I just had this rapid flash of us singing it in the car. That’s really all.
“Sometimes I find myself pushing, straining to remember. I strain myself into a migraine or a crying attack. Dave or my mother have to push me to stop. They don’t want me to make myself sick. They don’t want the kids to see me like that.”
“And how are you feeling today?”
“I hope you didn’t take me out to lunch for an undercover medical exam.”
“I'm just concerned.” Jason said.
“Have you been talking to David?” Erin asked.
“Dave and I always talk.”
“Is he worried about me?”
“He is and he isn’t.” he replied. “Dave knows you're strong and will get through this. But he's also worried that it’s all just too overwhelming. You're doing alright now but soon you'll go back to work. You'll have to juggle motherhood and the FBI. You'll have to juggle the feelings, schedules, and lives of children that you barely remember.”
“Not barely…I don’t remember them. They're so great though. I'm the mother, and I’ll do what I have to. I'm not saying it'll be easy. It’s going to be a transition for all of us. But I don’t want to pontificate it to death. I just want to do it. What other choice do I have?”
“They are good kids, Erin. I know they’ll do all they can to help.”
“My parents are leaving tomorrow.” Erin said. “But my mother is coming back after the New Year and she’s going to help out at home.”
She felt guilty asking her mother to stay but there was a part of Erin that was afraid she couldn’t do it. Of course Joanna wasn’t going to leave her daughter alone in the situation. Erin worried that her father shouldn’t be alone either but Erich assured her that he wasn’t. He had Uncle Mike, Aunt Constance, his colleagues…his life was busy and full.
Joanna would come home to New York every other weekend so the couple could spend time together. Making sure Erin and her family made it through this tough situation was more important to him. He wanted his daughter to get her memory back but knew it might not happen. That was difficult to swallow for all of them. That didn’t mean there wasn’t work to be done.
“I'm going to go away for a little while.”
“Where are you going?” Jason asked.
“I don’t know but I need a little space. I think I might drive up to David’s cabin since it’s not too far. Just a long weekend to breathe before I have to jump in head first.”
“You're handling all of this really well; I should tell you that.”
“I'm crumbling on the inside.” Erin said.
“So many people are willing to help.”
“I want to talk about something happy. You know what, no, let’s just stop talking.” She picked up her sandwich. “I don’t mean forever; just a little while. We’ll eat and watch the rain and breathe. Nod if you agree.”
Jason nodded. He smiled and then concentrated on his salad. A few minutes of silence sounded like a good idea to him. Despite the slightly annoying 90s music playing at a bearable level in the café, their table close to the window allowed him to hear the rain fall.
He watched Erin as she ate and soaked up the atmosphere. She didn’t look any different, still had perfect blonde hair and those intense green-blue eyes. Jason could see the doubts just under the surface of her skin. She would do everything in her power to keep them there. As a longtime friend, Jason would do whatever he could to help.
“Do you want to do a little shopping after lunch?” he broke the silence.
“Oh God, do I look that bad?” Erin laughed some.
“What do you mean?”
“You hate shopping so if you're willing to take me, I must be a lost cause.”
“You're going to be just fine.” Jason said. “I just thought shoes would make you feel even better.”
He definitely wasn’t wrong about that. A new pair of shoes might be just the boost she needed today. Every little bit helped.
***
“So noted.” Dave smirked. “Mom and I want to have a talk with you guys.”
The ten year old nodded, sitting back on the couch beside Penelope. All four kids were sitting on the big couch. They didn’t know what was coming so they were all a little nervous. Dave was sitting in the chair while Erin sat on the arm of it. They’d gotten together beforehand to practice what might be said but things rarely worked out the way they were planned.
“What’s happening now?” Emily asked.
Erin really looked at her oldest daughter. Emily glanced so quickly at Hotch and his eyes met hers. The action almost seemed involuntary. She knew there was no familial blood flowing between them and she was not their biological mother. But at the moment Erin felt like they were twins. She also thought the look on their faces was one she’d worn so many times at that age.
“It’s nothing bad, Emily.” Erin said. “We don’t want you guys to worry but we also need to talk as a family.”
“You're not getting a divorce, are you?” Penelope sat straight up. “People on TV sit their kids down to tell ‘em they're getting a divorce.”
“I think that would fall under something bad.” Dave replied. “Guys, guys, let us have the floor for a little while. We’ll say what we need to and then all of you will have your chance. OK?”
The kids nodded, though they seemed reluctant. Dave knew that was because his kids rarely shut up. That was one of the things he loved about them.
“I had a car accident just over a week ago.” Erin said. “Luckily I wasn’t badly physically injured but I took a nice bump on the head. While doctors can't say for sure, they’ve diagnosed me as suffering from a dissociative fugue state. I've lost pieces of my memory. Usually these states last anywhere from a few days to a few months but there are cases where the memories never come back.”
“We’re taking this one day at a time.” Dave added. “But it hasn’t been easy for mom, jumping into a situation she hardly knows and trying to stay afloat.”
“You’ve done great.” Penelope smiled as she gave Erin the thumbs up. Then she covered her mouth. “Oops.”
“It’s OK, sweetie.” Erin smiled too. “I'm just going to need your help, all of you. I'm hopeful that some memories will filter back over time but I have to be prepared for the fact that they might not.
“I might not remember birthday parties, songs we sang, or things I whispered into your ears as you fell asleep. I never want you to feel like I don’t love you. I just need to get to know all of you better and I'm going to work hard at it. I also have to work hard at work and here with Dad.”
“That’s a lot of work.” Derek said. “You can do it, Mom.”
“What are you not saying?” Hotch asked. “I don’t know if it’s our turn to talk yet but…”
“This could be a tough road.” Dave said. “We’re all going to have to make sacrifices for each other and that’s not always easy when you're a young person. It isn’t easy when you're a not so young person. Mom and I just want everyone on the same page.”
“Tough times suck.” Penelope crossed her arms.
“Agreed.” Erin said. “I want to open the floor to anything you guys want to say. Nothing is off limits right now. What you feel is important to me and your dad.”
“How can you love us when you don’t even know us?”
Hotch didn’t want to be the one who said it. He couldn’t even look in his mother’s eyes when the words came out of his mouth. The past week had been tough for him. Their family went from busy but loving, preparing for school vacation and Christmas, to upside down in just one night. Hotch was a stranger to his mother.
She was the person who cleaned his booboos, helped him with math, and cleaned his mess when he tried to learn how to flip the perfect pancake. Now she didn’t even recognize him. He could see Erin trying, struggling to make sure things stayed as normal for them as possible. But the truth is they would probably get worse before they got better. They needed to talk about the truth.
“You're my children.” Erin said. “Something stirs in my belly when I hug you and when I smell your clothes and when I look at your pictures. The first couple of days after the accident I was in shock. I remembered the old me and thought all of this was just a bad dream. But it didn’t take me long to feel things for you even if I couldn’t remember. I'm not sure that makes a lot of sense but it’s true.”
“I guess so.” Hotch mumbled. He didn’t know how to feel. He also knew it wasn’t fair to beat up on Erin for bumping her head in a car accident. This was a sucky situation all around.
“Nan is going to come and stay with us for a little while.” Dave said. “She's going to help Mom transition into being a working mother again. She’s going to be here for you guys whenever you want to talk or Mom needs a little breathing room. I'm going to be here, as always, but I've got a deadline and need to start work on my book again when Christmas vacation ends. Can I depend on you guys for your help?”
“Yeah.” All four of them nodded and spoke in unison.
“It’s going to be OK.” Dave said. “It might be hard for a little while but it’s still going to be OK. We both love you guys very much; working together as a family we can do this.”
“Just one more thing,” Erin said. “I'm going to go away for a little while.”
“Where are you going?” Emily sounded a bit frantic when she asked.
Erin remembered how worried her daughter was that the loss of memory would cause Erin to leave the family to start a fresh life somewhere else. It was probably going to take a lot of time and convincing that that wouldn’t happen. Emily had been abandoned early in life. Now she was watching her best friend’s parents go through the divorce from hell. At 13 there wasn’t much stability in life anyway. Erin didn’t want to add one more brick to the load she carried. Emily might crumble under the weight.
“Hey,” she held out her arms for her daughter and Emily immediately came to them. “I'm not leaving you guys. That’s a promise. I'm just going to take a little time away for a breather. I'm going to the cabin for a few days and when I'm come back I'm going to be in full mom mode. At least I'm going to try to be.”
Emily nodded, hugging Erin again. She didn’t know what to think right now. It was hard to discuss her feelings with Zoe; she was going through enough. She’d tried with Aaron but her brother was so tight-lipped about how he was feeling it almost made Emily uncomfortable to show weakness. She just didn’t want to lose her mom. She could take the tough times, the ups and down, all she wanted was for her family to come out intact on the other side.
“You should take Mudgie with you.” Derek said. “He loves going to the cabin and that way you won't get lonely in the woods. He can protect you too.”
“Protect me from what?” Erin asked.
“Stuff you see in scary movies.” Derek replied. “I'm just saying.”
“And on that note…if there’s nothing else we can adjourn this family meeting.” Dave said.
“I have something else.” Penelope raised her hand. “Can we have pizza for dinner?”
“We’re having meatloaf.” Erin laughed. “You guys should get washed up.”
The kids dispersed. Dave could tell that Emily had more to say; she was still standing close to her mother. He excused himself too. He needed to warm up dinner.
“It’s going to be OK.” She told her daughter. “I don’t know how I know that but I know.”
“I have so much to say…I'm feeling too much. I hate feeling all this junk, it sucks.”
“Email me.”
“Huh?” Emily wiped away the tears that threatened to fall.
“After dinner tonight you can go upstairs and write me an email. Say whatever you want, use whatever language you want. You can make it as long or as short as you want. Just express your feelings. I'm your mom, no matter what happens to my memory. I'm always going to understand you.”
“Can we have another hug?”
Erin wrapped her arms around her and held her tight. Emily held her just as tight; Erin exhaled. This was what she was fighting for. This was her life. She stroked her daughter’s raven hair.
“Go and get washed up for dinner, OK?”
“Yeah.” Emily nodded. “Thanks, Mom.”
Erin caressed her face and smiled. When Emily left the room, she got up from the arm of the chair. Dave was getting dinner ready so Erin went to the cabinets and prepared to set the table. Her husband smiled at her.
“You alright?”
“I have no idea.” She shook her head. “They're going to be OK though, and that’s what matters.”
“That’s a total mom response.” Dave said.
“I'm a mom…what did you expect?”
***
“Are you alright?” Ursula asked.
“I'm good.”
“I wasn’t asking you if you were scared of the dark, kiddo.”
“I know. I'm good. I miss them.”
“This is exactly why we’ve gone on a total of three girls’ vacations in the past decade.” Ursula said.
Erin laughed as her head rested on the arm of the couch. She was sharing it with a 70 pound retriever so it was a tight squeeze. Still, he was keeping her warm. This was their second night at the cabin. It was cold but Erin got out today. She walked around in the woods while the dog ran around.
Erin skipped stones and drew in the dirt. She stayed outside until the cold wind blew her back in. Later she made herself some dinner. It wasn’t the best meal she ever ate but Erin made due. Before she called Ursula, Hotch called from home to make sure she was OK. It was a short phone call and made Erin homesick.
“I've been a good friend, right? There were times when I'm sure I wasn’t a good friend.”
“You're my best friend and that’s all that matters to me.” Ursula replied. “I know you keep trying to grasp all you lost in the car accident, Erin; I get that. But maybe you should focus more on what you didn’t lose. You're still alive. You can make more memories with your kids, your husband, and even your best friend. I say a prayer every night that you'll remember everything you can. But I also say a prayer that I have another chance to drag you on a friend vacation.”
“I thought you were an atheist.” Erin said.
“Really? All the profound shit I just said and that’s what you chose to pick from it. Wow.”
“I'm sorry, I just…” Erin was laughing again when her other line beeped. She looked at the cell phone and saw it was Dave. “Hey, it’s Dave; I'm going to take this call. I’ll be back in town the day after tomorrow.”
“I’ll see you then. Goodnight, kiddo.”
“Goodnight.” Erin slid her finger across the phone to accept the call. “Hello.”
“Hey. How was your day?”
“It’s cold but lovely out here. I just talked to Ursula, she told me about Kirk’s party. She and Rachel are going later tonight.”
“What about the party?” Dave asked.
“You're missing it…we’re missing it.”
“Every year we go and have a really nice time. This year I'm doing popcorn, Buffalo wings, and movie night with the kids. I think I still come out the winner. The only thing that would make it better is if you were here.”
“What are you guys going to watch?” Erin asked. Even from miles away she could hear the longing in Dave’s voice. He was trying to hide it. He was doing a lousy job of hiding it. The sound created a lump in her throat.
“It was a very delicate decision making process. Derek said he refused to watch a cheesy kid’s movie, which really offended Penelope. He apologized profusely to his sister and then caught me when I was alone. He reiterated his refusal to watch a cheesy kid’s movie. We settled on The Goonies.”
“I'm sure the kids have seen that one before.”
“It’s a family favorite. We have it on Blu-ray with all kinds of extras and some deleted scenes. They're all gonna try to make it to midnight.”
“I should be there.” Erin sighed.
“Don’t burden yourself with that kind of guilt, Erin.” Dave said. “The kids understand you just need a little space…they're trying to understand.”
“I've only been on three girls’ vacations in ten years.”
“I know.” Dave nodded but his wife couldn’t see that.
“I'm a good mother.”
“Whether that’s a question or a statement, the answer is yes. We’ll have more New Year’s Eves.”
“I know.”
“How are you feeling?”
“I'm OK. I'm both elated and slightly disappointed that I'm apparently a lousy cook in this life too.”
“Lousy is a strong word, baby.” Dave laughed.
“No, it’s not.” Erin laughed too. “I burned the Salisbury steak. I ate it but it was burnt.”
“It could happen to anyone. We took a cooking class together in our early years as a couple.”
“Oh God, how did I do?”
“You make a mean chicken Alfredo.” Dave replied. “Your brownies are pretty good too.”
“Our kids can't live off brownies.” Erin said. “No matter how much they might want to.”
“I guess you're lucky I'm around then.”
“I guess I am. It’s almost the new year.”
“Do you have any resolutions?”
“Oh God,” Erin laughed. “As if I really need more plates to juggle in the air. Do I usually make resolutions?”
“No.”
“Do you usually make resolutions?”
“I prefer to think of them as goals.” Dave replied.
“So what are your goals for 2013?” Erin asked.
“I actually want to finish the book by the deadline. I want to try to find time once a month to volunteer with the vets. I wish I had more time but I don’t even think I have the time I'm going to take. I want to make definitive plans to teach a seminar on Multiple Murders and the Media. I'm going to make my wife fall in love with me again.”
“I have a feeling that you'll succeed with all of them.” She smiled. “Are vets a group close to your heart?”
“My Uncle Willie raised me.” He said. “I was a pain in his ass, I'm sure of it, but he raised me right and I owe him everything. Uncle Willie was a WWII vet and had seen some action in Korea. I went into the Marines because I saw the good it could do for the boys from the neighborhood. I followed in his footsteps and my son will probably follow in mine.”
“Whoa, whoa, which son? They're my sons too.”
“You got something against a man in uniform?” Dave asked.
“I've always loved a man in uniform. I just have something against my son going to some foreign shore and being killed.”
“I'm talking about Derek and he's pretty set on the Marines. He's as set as a very stubborn ten year old can be.”
“I guess as guys to emulate goes, his old man isn’t so bad.”
“I’d like to think so.” Dave said.
“Did I know Uncle Willie well?”
“Yeah. Of all my wives, he flirted with you the most. He always had a thing for intellectual blondes with wicked jaws. Though he was crazy about my second wife too…she favored Pam Grier.”
“Has the word manwhore ever been used in reference to you?” Erin asked laughing.
“Man whore is actually two words. And it’s been used, lovingly.”
“If I fall in love with you again you're stuck with me forever. There will be no fifth Mrs. Rossi.”
“If?” he asked.
“When I fall in love with you again.”
“I won't ever rush you, but…”
“Hurry up.” Erin said.
“Something like that.” Dave laughed. “I'm sorry.”
“I want you to know that um, those things that happened between us, you know, in bed…”
“Are marital relations and will never be questioned by me as otherwise.”
“I'm really comfortable with you, intimately.” Erin said.
“The feeling is mutual.”
“I miss you tonight.”
“I miss you too, Erin.”
“It’s getting late, so I'm going to let you go. I'm willing to bet that the kids are circling for snacks like little sharks.”
“You would be correct. Are you alright up there?”
“Mudgie is pretty decent company.” She replied. “I can't decide though if I enjoy the solitude or am about to go insane from the silence. I hear there's supposed to be a little thunder snow up here tonight. I'm going to come home tomorrow if the roads aren't too bad.”
“Are you sure?” Dave asked. Just thinking about her having another accident made him sick to his stomach. He didn’t even want to let her drive up there alone but didn’t step on her toes either. Dave knew she had to do this. “We want to give you whatever time you might need. This might be the only time you get for a while.”
“You're going to hold my hand, right?” Erin asked. She had no idea why those words came out of her mouth. That kind of question wasn’t in her nature.
“That’s our thing. That question is one of our things.”
“We have a lot of things, don’t we?”
“Damn skippy, baby.”
“Go, I’ll be home sometime tomorrow afternoon. Don’t tell the kids; I want to surprise them.”
“My lips are sealed.” Dave said.
“They better not be, Agent Rossi.”
“Call me in the morning and let me know so I can look out for you.”
“I will.”
“There are never going to be enough words to tell you what you mean to me.” He said.
“You wrote me an entire novel. You're writing me a series. I have to say that’s quite impressive.” Erin said.
“I love you. Happy new year.”
“Happy new year. Goodnight.”
She didn’t want to hang up the phone but Erin let go. Though it took some effort, she also got around the dog and off the couch. Groaning, she stretched her tired and stiff muscles. Then she whistled for Mudgie and they went upstairs.
There was no cable at the cabin. That wasn’t plausible in the middle of nowhere. Also, Dave didn’t want the distraction when he was up there to write and relax. There was a TV and DVD player in the bedroom. Erin wasn’t sure that they had The Goonies but there was something she could watch tonight.
In the next few hours it would be a new year. More happened to Erin Strauss in the past week and some change than she would ever be able to measure with time. She wondered as she cuddled in bed and grabbed the remote control what the old Erin would be doing tonight. There was a party somewhere, or an expensive hotel suite; she and her boyfriend high on champagne and the good life.
Not that life with David Rossi was so bad. Erin didn’t know the whole of it yet, she’d only begun to experience it. And being the mother of four would be a jolt for some time to come. But this was her life. She hadn’t woken up yet though she’d pinched herself a thousand times.
A dream, reality, or something in between, she would make the best of it. The woman whose life she was living was happy. She was funny, strong, and loved so dearly. Who wouldn’t want to call that life their own?
***