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“Atsushi kun!”
“Yes?” Asked Atsushi putting down his book.
“Have you ever wondered where Dazai goes each evening?”
Atsushi considered this question.
He finally shook his head. “Not really”
“Well I have!” Declared Kunikida with the air of one who has made an important discovery which will change the universe as we know it.
Atsushi wondered how to appropriately reply to this statement. ‘Oh, have you?’ Seemed a tad too sarcastic while ‘How interesting!’ seemed a tad too dishonest. Atsushi frowned and tried his very best to think of a reply but miserably failed and so he settled for grinning widely and nodding.
“Yes, I have wondered. I have wondered and wondered and I reached a conclusion”
“What conclusion?” Asked Atsushi deciding that the sooner this conversation ended, the sooner he could return to his book.
“I reached the conclusion that I have no idea”
Atsushi considered giving Kunikida a thumbs-up before returning to his book but a sinking feeling in his gut told him that the conversation was far from over.
“Yes, I reached the conclusion that I have no idea where Dazai goes each evening and so I plan to have him followed”
Atsushi gulped.
“Er… w-why?”
“Because! It is Dazai! Who knows what kind of vile act he is out there performing? We must save this world from him, Atsushi-kun!”
“W-we?”
“Yes, we! I would follow him myself but I have a prior engagement. Thus, today evening, you shall follow him!” Beamed Kunikida as though he had bestowed Atsushi with some sort of marvellous honour.
“B-but! Kunikida san! I cannot possibly follow Dazai! Why, he would find out immediately! And he will probably think that I am some member of the Guild trying to assassinate him! He will kill me!”
“Now, now, calm down. No such thing will happen! Be professional about this, Atsushi kun!”
“Kunikida san, I really must protest-“ began Atsushi.
—
Atsushi muttered angrily as he dived behind a trash can for cover.
“Of all the people in the agency, he had to choose the innocent weretiger”
Dazai turned the corner. Atsushi followed.
“Couldn’t have asked Ranpo san… Ranpo san could figure out where Dazai goes without moving an inch from his chair. But no! ‘Atsushi kun, Ranpo san is solving a very important case and cannot be disturbed’” Atsushi violently hissed as he ducked into a building.
“I have the worst luck in the universe” groaned Atsushi.
—
Dazai walked into an apartment. Atsushi sighed and followed.
—
one hour later
Atsushi stood in front of Kunikida with a haunted look in his eyes.
“Well?” Demanded Kunikida. “Where does that waste of oxygen go every evening?”
Atsushi opened his mouth. He then realised that his throat was dry and wildly looked around for water. He found a bottle of it on the table and gulped down the whole bottle.
“Anytime you’re ready” said Kunikida.
Atsushi cleared his throat.
“Well… he walked a lot”
“Okay…”
“He then walked into a building”
“Where was the building”
“West”
“West!”
“Or was it East?”
Kunikida sighed and rubbed his forehead.
“Atsushi kun, I really need you to be more professional about this. Be specific. Be like a reporter. Answer the ‘wh’ questions: What, Where, When, Who and Why”
“Right, okay. I think the apartment was somewhere near the Port Mafia headquarters”
Kunikida’s eyes bugged. He quickly composed himself and spoke.
“Okay. That answers the ‘where’. Answer the remaining ‘wh’ questions”
Atsushi struggled to find words.
“Well… the thing is, the answers to the remaining questions are pretty much the same thing” he finally said.
“Well, what is the answer then, damn it?!” Kunikida’s blood boiled.
“Well… you remember that Port Mafia executive? With the red hair? Gravity manipulation?”
Kunikida furrowed his brows in confusion.
Atsushi sighed.
“The one who stood upside down without his hat falling off?”
Kunikida’s expression cleared.
“Oh that one! Kenji wouldn’t shut up about the hat thing. Nakahara Chuuya. Port Mafia executive”
“Yes… well… that is the answer. Nakahara Chuuya”
Kunikida scowled.
“Oh god, don’t tell me they were fighting”
Atsushi shook his head violently.
“Was Dazai signing some sort of sick deal? Was he reminiscing about his Port Mafia days? Is it a new war? Is the Guild back?”
“None of those things!” Choked Atsushi.
“Why do you sound like a strangled pig? Just spit it out, Atsushi kun! Rip the band aid off! Is it something bad?”
“I don’t know! Does kissing count as bad?” Asked Atsushi with a sharp edge of panic to his voice.
Kunikida who had just taken a sip of coffee promptly spewed it all over the table and began coughing violently
“Oh no! Kunikida san, I am sorry! I did not mean to kill you!” cried Atsushi and ran over to Kunikida who promptly stopped coughing.
“K-kissing?”
“Er, yes” said Atsushi, highly relieved that Kunikida was not going to kick the bucket after all.
“E-each other?”
“Yes” nodded Atsushi.
Kunikida looked at the cup of coffee in his hand. He then looked at Atsushi. He then looked at his notebook. He repeated this process for the next five minutes.
“Atsushi…” he finally said.
“Yes, Kunikida san?”
“I need to lie down. Excuse me, please” he said before walking out.
—
“Atsushi kun…” began Dazai.
“What is it, Dazai san?”
“Why does Kunikida kun walk up to me and splutter out a few incomprehensible sentences before walking away?”
“I really have no idea, Dazai san”
-
the end ~