Work Text:
Staring at the clouds, looking for a silver lining
I was caught in a cocoon but now you got me feeling butterflies
Dreaming in the lows, I never thought I'd see this high
Now I'm shooting for the moon, you're calling me a lunar light
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Their room was dark, pitch black, and it was incredibly quiet. The only sounds were Even’s steady breathing and the rustling of the sheets. Isak wished his brain was quiet, too, just like the whole of Oslo right now.
It was early in the morning and he should be asleep. Instead Isak was wide awake, staring at the ceiling. It was one of those days, one of those sleepless nights where his thoughts were taking over, wouldn’t let him go to sleep. Anxiety was racing through his body. His stomach hurt, his body tingled, and his head pounded.
Isak knew he desperately needed to get some sleep. In a few hours, he had to get up again. It was a school night and he had a busy day ahead of him, including an exam. But, the more he thought about it, the more stressed and anxious he got.
What if I fail my exam? What if I fail all the other exams too? What if I fail at life? What if I’m disappointing Even? I don’t want to disappoint him, I want to be good for him, I want to be the best for him.
He had to snap out of this trail of thoughts, but he didn’t know how. If only he knew how.
Even sighed in his sleep and tried turning around. Isak turned his head, looking at the beautiful boy beside him. He didn’t want to wake him up, didn’t want to bother him with his anxieties. However, Even’s cuddles were soft and soothing and so were his kisses, and Isak kind of really needed him right now.
He needed to be comforted, needed arms around him, needed a warm voice in his ear telling him everything would be okay.
He rolled over, crawled closer toward the boy lying next to him and poked his arm softly. Isak hoped he wouldn’t completely wake him up, but just enough for Even to realise Isak wanted him to wrap his arms around Isak and pull him in close.
Apparently Even got the hint, and Isak quickly crawled in his arms and pulled the duvet up to his chin. A sigh escaped his lips and he closed his eyes. Even’s arms around him and his warmth pressing against Isak’s back had a calming effect. He smiled fondly and put his hands over Even’s, softly caressing the tops with his thumbs.
To be completely honest, Isak had never thought he’d be such a sucker for cuddles.
He had either denied any form of physical affection in the past or there was simply no one there to hold him tight.
Isak felt like he had never really liked touching people, them touching him. Skin against skin. He had felt awkward, didn’t know what to do with his body.
-----
The only person he had tried giving comforting hugs to was Eva during their first year. He knew when she needed them, he knew she loved arms around her sometimes (especially after he fucked up everything with Jonas for her). It had felt kind of nice, Isak had to admit; having arms around you, a warm body against yours. But still, he didn’t think he would ever feel comfortable doing this all the time, because he wanted to, because he felt like it.
He had also hugged Jonas occasionally over all their years of friendship, but those didn’t really classify as real, comforting hugs. Hugging Jonas was more like a quick pat on the back, nothing too close, nothing really comforting. More than anything, hugging Jonas hurt. He’d wanted Jonas to be closer to him, had wanted to touch him. He hadn’t felt like asking for it either, even though he’d needed the comfort and the feeling of being loved a whole lot of times. Hugging and cuddling wasn’t for boys. And Isak definitely wasn’t gay.
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The first time he had gotten real physically close to a girl was when he got together with Sara. He had forgotten exactly how it had happened, but it happened, and he had to pretend to be crazy in love with her. To be completely honest, Isak had felt a bit awkward around Sara most of the time. He had hugged her occasionally, had wanted to show her some affection, even though he didn’t really like her, didn’t feel attracted to her at all. He felt bad enough about that, about pretending, so he’d tried making up for it.
Sometimes he had gone home with Sara and they would end up on Sara’s bed. She would pull him closer, silently asking for cuddles and a make-out session. Isak never really knew what to do with his arms, what to do with the rest of his body. He’d just tried stroking her hair a bit, kissing her forehead or cheek. She’d nuzzle her face in his neck, breathing in his scent. Whenever she had tried to turn the soft cuddling into something more heated, Isak had turned her down gently. He knew what she wanted, and he felt guilty he was not giving it to her, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to. So, he’d continued stroking her hair, caressing her body, kissing her face.
Isak had felt like that was the closest to real human contact he would ever get. He would probably never admit his feelings, his real feelings about boys. He would probably end up all alone, desperate and lonely. The thought had made his heart clench, had made his stomach cramp. So, he’d pulled Sara a little closer to his chest, whispered sweet words in her ear and just tried to forget everything, just tried to forget about his thoughts and feelings that plagued his heart.
-----
Isak sighed, closing his eyes. Looking back on his past was painful and made him sad most of the time. However, it also made him feel proud. Proud of how far he had come, how much better he felt nowadays. His 16-year old self would probably look at him in pure shock. He would never have imagined to be out of the closet right now, to be happy with who he was, and to actually have a boyfriend.
Even mumbled in his ear, probably talking in his sleep. Isak couldn’t help but smile, warmth spreading through his chest. He had never imagined to be so in love with someone else.
-----
The first time he had seen Even from across the room he had felt like an electrical current was running through his body. The boy was mysterious, attractive, gorgeous. He’d felt like touching him, had wanted to be touched, wanted to feel his body against his own. It had felt new and overwhelming.
When he’d seen him again at the Kosegruppa meeting Isak had gotten nervous, a lump in his throat. He hadn’t known what to do and his anxiety had taken over. He didn’t know if he wanted to be attracted to the mysterious boy, didn’t know what to do with himself. He wasn’t ready to be ‘that gay guy’.
The fact that the boy had shown interest in him, to think he might want to be the same to Isak as Isak wanted to be to the boy, made Isak go weak in the knees. This boy was beautiful, smart, funny. It had felt more than perfect.
Their first time cuddling after the night of their first kiss had been amazing. Perfect. Isak didn't know something could feel so good, so soft, so warm. His head had rested on Even's chest, he could hear Even’s heart beating steadily in his chest. His head rose and fell slightly with every breath Even had taken. A hand was stroking his hair, Even’s low and soft voice right next to him.
Isak had felt like he was in heaven.
He couldn't help turning his chin up, silently asking for another kiss, not really daring to say it out loud. But Even had understood him, had leaned in slowly and pressed his lips to Isak's.
Isak finally didn't feel awkward cuddling anymore, he felt sleepy, soft, and so comfortable. No pressure at all, just lying there, talking, lazily making out. Even's lips were soft and warm, and Isak had put his hand on Even's neck, bringing him even closer, sucking on his tongue. A flush had spread across his cheeks. He hadn’t known something like this was possible. He’d never thought he deserved to have something like this.
-----
Just thinking about all the good moments together with Even made Isak’s anxiety slightly disappear. It made him feel calmer, sleepier.
Sometimes he felt a bit embarrassed how easily Even could calm him down, how easily Even could change his mood. But it made him happy too. Even cared so much about him, about his well-being. Even just wanted him to be okay, wanted him to feel good, and he tried his hardest to achieve that for Isak. Comforting hugs, loving kisses, soft touches. Quiet words in his ear, a gentle hand on his thigh, warm lips on his cheek.
Cuddles were one of the very best things that came with living together. Not like they didn’t cuddle at all when they hadn’t been living together yet, but now there were goodmorning and goodnight cuddles too (every single day).
When they both didn’t have to be anywhere in the morning, they could lay in bed for hours. They were cuddled up in each other’s arms, all long limbs and quiet voices. They usually just laid there, looking at each other, smiling, kissing. The sun would be peaking through their curtains and birds would be chirping in the background, and it just felt like perfection to Isak. He could stay in bed like that with Even for hours and hours.
Sometimes they would watch a film, Isak’s head resting on Even’s shoulder and a bowl of popcorn in between them. Even would passionately comment on the cinematography and acting, and it was Isak’s favourite thing ever.
More often than not, he couldn’t stop touching Even and Even couldn’t stop touching Isak. One of them would usually end up straddling the other, grinding down slowly, lips pressing against each other, all wet and hot, tongue and teeth.
-----
Isak heard Even’s breathing change, indicating he had woken up.
‘’Isak?’’ Even whispered with a hoarse voice, interrupting Isak’s trail of thoughts.
Isak hummed, carefully turning around in Even’s arms to face him. Even’s eyes were still closed and he looked so peaceful. Isak couldn’t help but trace his bottom lip with his thumb, pressing a kiss on the tip of his nose.
‘’Go back to sleep, Even,’’ Isak mumbled. ‘’It’s only three o’clock.’’
Isak felt Even nodding and heard a sigh escaping his lips. Even’s hands were caressing Isak’s back, drawing small circles. It made Isak feel sleepier and sleepier, and he was actually happy Even had woken up. Even’s presence really did help him sleep.
‘’Why are you awake, baby?’’ Even said, while cracking one eye open and trying to get used to the darkness. ‘’Have you slept yet?’’
Isak swallowed, pushing himself closer to Even, drowning in his scent and warmth. ‘’Don’t worry, I think I can sleep now,’’ he mumbled.
Isak usually didn’t want to make Even worried, especially not about things like this. He hated his insomnia and anxiety, but he didn’t want to bother Even with it too much.
He felt Even smile while he pressed an incredibly soft kiss to Isak’s forehead. ‘’Communication is the key to all relationships, you know that, right?’’
Isak felt one of Even’s hands move from his back to his hair, gently stroking his head. ‘’We can sleep now, and talk tomorrow, okay?’’ Isak could hear the fondness and slight worry in Even’s voice and it made his heart swell.
He nodded and leaned in to press his lips to Even’s, a chaste goodnight kiss. His eyes felt heavy and he felt sleep taking over his body. ‘’I love you, Even,’’ Isak murmured before dozing off.