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Doctor Julian Bashir let out a long, frustrated breath.
"Garak, you're deliberately baiting me!"
Elim Garak made his eyes wide and innocent while spooning more yigerish cream pie into his mouth.
"Doctor, I'm doing nothing of the sort. You asked me to give you my unbridled opinion on this novel. My opinion is that the author was making a rather heavy-handed statement about the failures of Terran health care. I'm not sure there is any other 'larger' point to the story."
Julian stared at him in shock. "The failures of Terran health care? Garak, are you sure we're talking about the same book?"
"Of course. Of Mice and Men by the Earth author John Steinbeck," answered Garak, frowning a little. "What an odd question."
"What's odd to me is that you could read this and think that the central theme had anything to do with Earth health systems!"
"Doctor, one of the main characters is a Terran male of diminished mental capacity," said Garak stirring his red-leaf tea. "After a lifetime of misadventure that he escapes due to the devotion of his companion, his lack of mental acuity directly leads to the death of an innocent - if annoying - woman, prompting his friend to at last, ahh, what is the Human term? 'Put him out of his misery.' It is quite obvious that the story about being kicked in the head by a horse was a rather clumsy falsehood, meaning the poor man was born as he was. If his mother had sufficient medical care while pregnant ..."
Bashir quickly shook his head. "Garak, while it could be argued that any defect Lenny suffered might have come as a result of poor care or, more likely, his mother's inability to access adequate care, that really is only a small part of the bigger picture ..."
As Julian launched into an impassioned argument, a tray was put down hastily a few tables away.
"There was a line," huffed Chief Miles O'Brien as he squeezed in between Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax and Major Kira Nerys. "What'd I miss?"
"They're just getting started," said Dax, subtly nodding toward Garak and Julian's table. "Garak got in a zinger early on - see how red Julian's face is?" She smiled sympathetically. "Poor Julian."
"I don't know why he lets Garak push him around," Kira said, spearing a bite of hasperat. "If it's a Terran book they're talking about, Julian has more knowledge of Earth culture than Garak does."
"I don't know why the doctor even bothers," said Odo, shaking his head. "Garak has had much more experience at this sort of discourse, and he has a response for everything - even if it isn't even vaguely rooted in anything factual."
"It is dishonorable to back down from a challenge," rumbled Commander Worf after a sip of raktajino. "Even if it is just a battle of ... words."
Jadzia looked over at him, eyebrow raised. "Oh really? That wasn't your attitude last night when we were having that discussion about the best arias in Gav'ot toh'va."
Worf shifted uncomfortably. "That was different. I was unwilling to argue over such an arbitrary point."
"Especially when you're wrong, huh?" Dax's eyes sparkled and she squeezed her fiance's hand.
Worf muttered something impolite under his breath and went back to his raktajino.
"Get a load of Julian's expression," said O'Brien. "Poor fellow looks like Garak just shoved something down his shorts."
"Chief, if Garak had stuffed something down Dr. Bashir's shorts, I seriously doubt that would be his expression," said Odo in a dry voice.
Four heads slowly turned toward the Changeling.
Odo glanced around at his companions. "What?"
"What?" Julian managed to scrape his jaw off the floor. "Garak, are you serious?"
"Quite serious. It would have been just as effective a conclusion to the story. Possibly even more so, since it would have resulted in the 'happy ending' Terrans seem so fond of."
"You honestly think that Steinbeck should have had George give Lenny a gun so the two of them could massacre the entire crew?" Julian sounded incredulous. "That would be a happy ending?"
"Strictly speaking, yes," said Garak, blinking slowly. "George presumably shot Lenny to spare the man a more painful death at the hands of their colleagues, yes?"
"Undoubtedly. Had the ranch hands been able to lay their hands on Lenny, they very likely would have hanged him, and possibly might have tortured hm beforehand."
"Lenny, as feeble-minded as he was, did anything George asked of him. You'll notice that George was never in any real danger from Lenny and was the only person not fearful of him. If George had told him that those men were keeping them from their mythical farm - another allegory for the woeful medical care of that century on that planet -"
"Garak ..."
"- then I have no doubts Lenny would have shot them all down without question with just a word from George." Garak paused for a bite of pie. "He and George would have then been able to move on unmolested."
"After having executed all those men?" Julian shook his head quickly. "I knew it was a mistake to show you that holosuite program about the Ancient West. Garak, life in the 1930s did not work that way. If Lenny had been a sound man, George would have likely been arrested and executed for what he'd done! For the most part, murder has always been a capital offense on Earth, and whatever his reasons, George did murder Lenny."
"If Lenny had been a sound man, none of the events leading to the denouement would have occurred," said Garak. "Meaning then that the two of them would have been able to work unfettered and perhaps save for their dream 'farm.' Then the story, such as it was, would have had no discernable moral to it at all."
"Uh-oh, look at how Julian's clutching that fork," O'Brien said, munching on a Delvan puff pastry. "Advantage: Garak. Again."
"And look at that insufferable smile on Garak's face," said Kira, half admiringly and half angrily. "Just like Dukat when he think he's made some great point."
"Julian really needs to stop letting his emotions show so easily," opined Dax, her brow wrinkling. "Garak loves pushing his buttons, but more than that, he loves seeing the effect he has on him. I'll bet if Julian was just calm and rational about it all -"
"- It looks like the 'insufferable smile' has changed partners, Major," said Odo, inclining his head to where a grinning Julian was staring at a stunned-looking Garak. "Whatever Dr. Bashir just said looks to have hit home with our mysterious tailor."
"Atta boy, Julian!" cheered O'Brien. "Give 'im some of his own back!"
Kira leaned forward, intrigued. "Prophets, I wish I could hear what they were saying ..."
"Come again, Doctor? I'm sure I misheard you."
"Hmm, I suppose it did get a bit louder in here," said Julian smugly. "I said that the overall theme is not very different from the one in the novel you lent me three weeks ago."
"I can't possibly know what you think is similar," said Garak stiffly. "This Steinbeck is a typically overwrought Terran morality tale rooted in the primitive science of the day. The Ten Pale Marks of Kreyta is a sweeping work detailing a specific side of Cardassian life such as it was in the late 22nd century."
"Kreyta is a soldier who dreams of a better life. He works toward it and almost reaches his goal, but he's betrayed by the woman he loves. He kills her and then himself, feeling that it was hopeless to carry on without her," said Julian. "Now you tell me how that is manifestly different than Of Mice and Men."
"Kreyta does not have a farfetched fantasy that he knows will never come true, as did George." Garak's eyes glimmered. "He aspires to be a Gul, which for him, was within the realm of possibility. He kills Galora because she betrayed the state and it was his duty to do so. He kills himself because he understands that once Legate Trolil discovers the affair, he will never advance in rank. Thus, his life was pointless, in his eyes, because he would never achieve his full potential."
"And you don't see the similarities to the end of this Steinbeck novel?" asked Julian. "You truly don't think that George feels his life is over now? Forget about the dream of the farm - he now is a marked man living simply to die. Caring for Lenny gave him something to live for as much as the dream of the farm did. It could be argued that Lenny's actions killed one dream, but George's actions killed another: his own dream of being a free man and caring for Lenny until the end of their days."
"You see that? Garak's speechless!" O'Brien almost wriggled in his chair. "I've never seen that expression on his face before. Julian's got 'im!"
"I would not be so sure," said Worf, squinting at the pair. "A true warrior knows how to lull his opponent into a false sense of security before striking the final blow."
"I agree with Commander Worf," said Odo. "Garak's in his element here. I can't see him giving up so easily."
"No, I think Miles is right," said Dax, her eyes widening. "Garak looks completely dumbfounded. I knew Julian had it in him!"
"I'd like to see Garak squirm out of this one," said Kira with a grim smile. "Well-played, Julian. Whatever it is you said, it sure shut him up."
"Well, Garak?" Julian leaned closer. "I'm interested in your thoughts on my comparison."
Garak was quiet for a long moment.
"It is ... interesting, Doctor. Very interesting." He took a last bite of pie. "There is, however, one thing you overlook."
"Oh?"
"Yes." Garak's voice was low. "The rabbits."
"The ..." Julian blinked. "Rabbits?"
"Yes. The rabbits of which Lenny was so inordinately fond, that George promised him they'd raise on their farm. Obviously you can't discount the symbolism."
Julian chewed his lip. "No, of course not. They were symbols of -"
"Pregnancy."
"Pregnancy?" Julian stared. "Well, yes, rabbits are notoriously fast breeders, but in this case -"
"In this case, the rabbits could represent the fragility of life and of desires. Rabbits are also quite fast, and they might also represent the fleeting nature of dreams and of mortality ..."
"Yes! Now you -"
"- But I don't think so," said Garak gravely. "I've read about some primitive customs on Earth - one involved the use of a rabbit as a way to ascertain whether a human female was pregnant."
"Yes," said Bashir with a frown. "That was one of the earliest reliable pregnancy tests, actually. But what does that have to do with anything?"
"Doctor, really. Don't be so obtuse. Do you really think it's a coincidence that the animal of Lenny's obsession would be rabbits? The very creature used during that time to confirm pregnancy? It was obviously a broad joke by the author who wanted his readers to think about pregnant women - pregnant women, who, like Lenny's mother, likely weren't getting the care they needed ..."
"Oh no."
"Julian's grabbing his head."
"With both hands."
"Hard."
"I knew it was too good to be true."
"What was too good to be true?"
Those at the table started and turned almost in unison.
Captain Benjamin Sisko stood behind their table with a raktajino in his hand. He eyed his senior officers and an eyebrow rose.
"Anything I should know about?"
"Uh, no sir, we're just having lunch," said O'Brien nervously.
"I see. And taking in a show."
Sisko grinned at the shocked expressions on their faces. He looked over at where Julian and Garak were in the thick of it, gesticulating, furiously head-shaking, dramatic-sighing and eye-rolling.
"What is it this week?" He turned his attention back to his staff. "Thoreau? Dickens? Hawthorne?"
"Steinbeck," said Dax with a smile. "Of Mice and Men."
Sisko whistled. "Someone should suggest something light and humorous to those two. Twain. Shaw. Hell, even Dave Barry. Something that they could laugh over."
"All things considered, Captain," said Odo, "I think they enjoy this."
"No doubt. And it looks like they aren't the only ones who do, Constable," said Sisko, sweeping the table with an amused look.
Shaking his head with another smile at their chastened expressions, Sisko walked off, Dax's quiet laughter trailing in his wake. After a moment, Kira and O'Brien began to chuckle. Worf grumbled and turned his attention to his drink and Odo gave one of his infamous "hmphs" as he watched the captain exit the Replimat.
Garak and Bashir, however, were much too wrapped up in their discussion - and each other - to notice much of anything at all.
ende