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“Alright adventurers! Let me see those character sheets!”
Several groans chorused around Nerris as they shoved papers into the DM’s hands. It was Nerris’ day at Camp Campbell, and she was determined to at least try to play a game with actual people. As great as her stuffies were, they’re just not the best at D&D. Not that she expected these idiots to be any better.
“Okay, so what are you playing as Nikki?” She asked, staring down at the chicken scratch that was Nikki’s handwriting.
“I’m a barbarian!” Nikki yelled, jumping up from her spot on the grass, “A halfling barbarian named Beef!”
“Beef?”
“Beef.”
Setting down Nikki’s character sheet, Nerris sighed. “Right, so she’s Chaotic Neutral then?”
“Yep!”
“Okay so… David? What are you playing as?” Asked Nerris, shifting through the numerous character sheet in front of her.
“Well Nerris, my character is a lawful good human bard! His name’s Dan!”
“Oh you’ve gotta be shitting me” Exclaimed Max “You’re literally just playing as yourself!”
With a confused look on his face, David turned to Nerris “Is that not what we’re supposed to do?”
Nerris didn’t say anything as she sighed and set David’s character sheet back down, picking up the rest of the character sheets. “Alright, just, everyone state what they’re playing as.” She sighed.
“Well,” Started Harrison, “I’m a Wizard Half Elf named Houdini! He’s neutral good”
“I’m a dragonborn bard! They’re Lawful Evil and their name is… wait for it… Alexander Jean Price!” Exclaimed Preston, posing dramatically as he spoke.
“Fucking Scalie.” Muttered Max before speaking up. “My character is a fucking tiefling rogue I guess. He’s Neutral Evil and his name is Wetwork.”
Nikki burst out laughing at that, slapping her knee as she giggled over the name “Wetwork”. Max looked please with himself as Nerris put her head in her hands.
“Neil?” Asked Nerris. “Just, tell me your character and we’ll start this mess of an adventure.”
“Oh, right. My character is a Neutral Good Wood Elf named Isaac Stein. He’s a Cleric.”
Sighing as she set down the character sheet, Nerris looked up at the inexperienced people in front of her as she wondered why on the gods stuck her with such incompetent players.
“Are we gonna start this shit or not?” Asked Max “I want to get this over with as soon as possible.”
With a deep breath, Nerris closed her eyes and started. “Okay, so our heroes find themselves deep in The Forest of Tethir, surrounded by a group of hungry owlbears…”
The group had been playing for about two hours now, and they were getting more into it then they’d like to admit. They were down one party member, as David’s character had died within the first battle. He refused to fight the owlsbears and no one bothered to protect him, so he perished.
Currently, the party was at the end of a small dungeon, battling against a huge black dragon, which only had 9 hp left. But they weren’t in the best spot.
Preston still didn’t know how to properly play a Bard, and only had 2 hp left. Neil was nearly out of spell slots and was trying to heal Nikki. He had no chance of getting to Preston in time. Harrison was blasting the dragon with low level spells that were barely working.
Max was the only one actually doing any real damage.
“Max, it’s your turn!” Said Nerris, gripping tighter on the die in her hand. “You attacking?”
“Where am I?”
“You right next to the dragon's’ back left foot!”
Thinking for a second, Max nodded. “Then I’m just gonna hit it with my rapier I guess.”
“Everyone was staring intently as Max picked up the die. If he rolled a natural 20 they’d win. If not, then they were doomed.
Everything seemed to move in slow motion as Max rolled the die. No one dared make a sound as they watched the die hit the ground.
Loud cheers erupted from the camp, startling the other campers. Max managed to get a nat 20.
“It’s a critical hit!” Exclaimed Nerris “The dragon is down!”
Everyone went to high five Max, who, rolling his eyes, accepted as he tried to hide his smile. No one mentioned it.
“Well,” Nerris started, standing up and dusting of her pants “That’s the campaign!”
A chorus of boos rang out as Nerris started to pack up the game.
“It can’t be over already!” Yelled Nikki, reaching for the character sheets Nerris was picking up.
“You know you nerds have been playing for over two hours now, right?” Came voice behind them.
Gasping, Preston whipped around to face Ered, who was laughing at them from a nearby tent. “Two hours!” He exclaimed “I was supposed to work on my play!”
Everyone started to get up, clearly distressed over how much time they spent on a game they didn’t even want to play. Slowly, they all headed towards their own tents, on to do whatever it was they did in their spare time.
Left alone with her game, Nerris sighed. Maybe playing with them more often wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.