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Language:
English
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Published:
2017-07-22
Updated:
2018-03-19
Words:
869
Chapters:
3/?
Comments:
34
Kudos:
79
Bookmarks:
10
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2,228

The Best He Ever Had

Summary:

Prague, 1564. Jerry Seinfeld is an average citizen, tired of the sanitary conditions of the city. People are dying, and he has dysentery. Slowly, Jerry is dying and he realises that he must do something or his friends may meet the same sticky end.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1777. George Washington has a dark secret and it's revelation means certain death. One day, he gets a niggling feeling that someone is watching him from his fireplace.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Jerry, ill

Chapter Text

It was 1564 and Jerry has just got done releasing the contents of his lower intestines onto the street before him. As he stood up, a fiacre raced by. The wheels drove through the mess of loose and runny diarrhoea and splattered it all over Jerry’s breeches. He sighed, for he was upset. First, he had dysentery, like all of the good people did back in that time, and second, his beloved trousers were stained with fecal matter. He walked through the crowded streets, barely missing a lady who was also crouched over the street, dumping a day’s worth of delicious, decadent chocolate stew onto the street.

“Mm, organic and homemade all in one,” Jerry said, leaning down to catch a mouthful of the stream that shot out of the woman’s anus. It tasted just as good as it smelled. Some splattered all over Jerry and eventually covered him from his head to toe. He was wet with shit.

“Now it’s time to go to George’s house to see what’s up,” Jerry said in his annoying voice. The studio audience laughed and the bass riff played.

Chapter 2

Summary:

I hate masel

Chapter Text

Meanwhile, George Washington was taking a dump above his fireplace in the kettle, adding his special sauce to his famous soup.

“I say, this is going to be a nice, creamy base for my soup ! I think everyone in America will be pleased.”

George Washington let a real ripper out of his arse, so loud and bone-shaking that his wooden teeth fell into the pot along with a fresh dose of delicious home made sauce. Suddenly, a vortex appeared and a strange man dressed like Shakespeare fell out into his kitchen!

“Blimey, god damn it, I’ve done it again!” George exclaimed as he squattée over the pot. George squatted so often to make his delicious soup that he was luscious, thicc, and had a peach of a bum. “My own farting had ripped a hole into the space time continuum AGAIN! I really must talk to marrhz about getting that fixed.”

The man on the floor was quite confused and his teeth were too big for his long face. Also, he was covered in diarrhoea.

“Airline food, what’s up with that? Where am I‽ “ Jerry Seinfeld roared.

“You’re in my house,” bellowed George.

“Ah, soup, my favourite!” Whispered Jerry.

“Well, you must wait until it is finished,” George shrieked. “I am just finishing adding the secret ingredient! Sit yourself down until it is ready.”

George’s let out another massive screamer, this time it shook the house and filled it with a delightful scent of something that the Rock is definitely not cooking unless he is on the toilet after slamming a few gyros down at the kebab.

“I can’t wait to try,” Jerry deplored. “But I am looking for my friend George. Have you seen him?”

“I am George,” murmured George. “George Washington to be precise! My pronouns are he/him/his, so please respect them.”

“Cool, I will respect your pronouns because i’m not a cunt!” Jerry ejaculated, getting liquid shit all over everything in George’s house.

 

*will jery get ipad? Tune in next chapter to find out! Please respect George’s pronouns in the comments.*

Chapter 3

Summary:

Google search boobs awesome butthole dick poop haha

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

King Henry just got off the toilet when his iPhone III rang.

“Yeah what is it?” He said while eating an entire leg of lamb. Henry had never taken a bath. The room smelled of poo, lamb leg, and henry’s Own sweet babaganosh.

“King Henry, this is the FBI. We want to let you know that Jerry Seinfeld went missing this morning while searching for his friend George Costanza. Do you know where he went?”

Henry threw his leg of lamb out of the window in rage. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE IS MISSING? I NEED HIM FOR HIS FUNNY JOKES!”

“The last we saw him was through his webcam on his computer. He was drinking an entire bottle of ranch. Then he was gone.” The FBI agent sounded forlorn.

“Was it his iPad?”

“No. Jerry doesn’t have an iPad. You should know this, Henry. But we need you to find out where we went. We are amazon priming you a time travel device to travel through time to save the country’s coveted cacophonous comedian.”

“All right then. Let me get my stuff.”

Henry got his stuff and then farted. It was something he often did. He stewed in the smell of it for a minute and then checked his messages. Nothing from Jerry. Just texts from george and Elaine that asked where Jerry went. But he truly did not know. The last he saw of the funny man was when he came over to play Halo and the shat all over the Xbox because he had dysentery.

The drone came into the castle and he opened the Amazon box. Inside was the time travel device. He turned it on.

“Well, time to get to work,” he said. He blasted off into the time that was chosen for him by the FBI- 2017. Years into the future.

 

**will jery EVER get ipad? Will king Henry give into capitalistic greed and upgrade to iPhone X? Will Jerry respect george’s Pronouns? (Spoiler alert: yes) Read more to find out!**

Notes:

Just do you guys know I once accidentally copy pasted the entire “The Poop Accelerates” copypasta into an email thread to my professor and almost sent it.

Notes:

Hey guys, thanks for reading. If you would, please give kudos and leave a comment! I would love some ideas for the next chapter. Tell me if you like it! Constructive criticism requested.