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The truth is, Keith was always afraid of dying. Sure, he put on a brave front for the team, but underneath his mask of arrogance and self-assurance Keith was just as insecure and scared as the rest of them. Maybe even more so.
He had been this way since the beginning. He'd had to grow up fast--Mom was never in the picture and Dad was never really around even before he disappeared.
Keith was put into the foster system when he was six. He'd learned to be quiet with his father, to be invisible so as to not be a bother. Turned out that foster parents didn't like the small, silent boy not answering their questions or socializing with the other kids. It wasn't his fault though. He had never been around other kids, or other people for that matter, so he didn't know how to interact with others. And nobody took the time to teach him.
His first foster family gave up on him after a month of silence. His second lasted a week before Keith got into a fight with one of the older boys after they had picked on a girl even younger than Keith. That home blamed Keith for it all and "would not tolerate violent children!"
After that, Keith was dubbed a troublemaker by his caseworkers. They took his silence as defiance, his preference for solitude as a sign he was a lost cause.
By the time he was eight, the system had given up on Keith and Keith was done trying. He was placed in a group home that specialized in housing "troubled children." Behind the doors of the run-down, two-story farm house, Keith suffered at the hands of his alleged caretakers for everything he did. Answering too slowly, making a mess, breaking anything, talking back, making the wrong eye contact--all lead to some form of punishment or another. It only took a month of that before Keith decided to embody all the traits that had been pushed on him since he was a toddler.
He lashed out with violence, talked back to any adult he came in contact with, and put up wall after wall to protect himself from the cruel reality of his world. He faked confidence and indifference. Everyone bought it and learned to leave him alone. The few that didn't were taught with Keith's fist hitting their face.
Much to Keith's annoyance, the group home seemed convinced that they could somehow "fix" him with enough time and discipline. Keith quickly learned how to ignore the pain the same way he ignored his own emotions. He dealt with the regular beatings, being locked in the closet for hours on end, not being fed anything for days, avoiding the questioning looks his teachers gave him in elementary school when the bruises became too obvious to hide. Nobody did anything. Abuse became just another bullet point in the shitstorm that was Keith Kogane's miserable, lonely life.
When he started middle school, the group home acquired several young kids that reminded Keith all-too-much of himself. A piece of his wall cracked, and he found himself desperate to protect these kids from suffering the same way he had. He made sure to mouth off whenever one was in danger of being hit. He took the blame when they missed a chore or broke a rule. What was another split lip or bruised rib? If he could keep them safe, he'd go to any extreme. He'd finally found a purpose, and even if it came with physical and mental damage it was worth it.
It took Keith passing out at school, being rushed to a hospital, and having the doctors discover a severe concussion among the obvious signs of malnourishment and abuse before he and the other kids were removed from the group home. Afterward, people asked why Keith hadn't said anything. He didn't tell them the reason was because nobody had listened to anything he had to say in the past; there was no point, it wasn't like they would really listen or care.
After that, Keith finally caught a break and was placed in a new home with Mr. and Mrs. Shirogane and their son Takashi, who was several years older than Keith.
Keith was quiet and flinched whenever one of them came too close too quickly. He would often sit in his room alone, refusing to talk to anyone or leave the room. He waited for the beatings to come, for the adults' kind facade to fade and for the anger and cruelty to appear, but it never did. They gave him soft, patient looks and made an effort to keep contact to a minimum until Keith was used to them. They weren't perfect, and they didn't understand Keith or why he was the way he was, but they were kind. It was the first bit of kindness Keith had been shown in years.
Takashi, or Shiro as his friends called him, was the only one who really got to know Keith. He didn't know the details behind Keith's past, but he was intuitive enough to put together the pieces. He made an extra effort to be patient and to take things slowly with the younger boy. He gradually showed Keith that contact with others was not supposed to be painful, and that if he wasn't comfortable talking it was okay to take a break and have some alone time. Shiro proved to Keith that anger shouldn't always be his first response to a situation. He was the one who broke Keith out of his shell. It took almost two full years before Keith trusted Shiro enough to let down a few walls, but when he finally did he realized that Shiro wasn't going to leave him like everyone else in his life had. At school, Keith was still unruly and brooding, but around Shiro he became a kid again.
Keith clung to Shiro like a lifeline. He was the first real friend Keith had ever had. He was the only family Keith had ever know.
On his sixteenth birthday, the Shiroganes adopted Keith. It was the best day of his life. He had finally figured out what a home was. He had parents who cared about him. He had a brother who loved him and who had shown him that the world wasn't always dark and scary. He wasn't alone, for the first time in his life.
The night before Shiro left to start classes at the Garrison, Keith found himself curled in the corner of his room crying and struggling to keep his panicked breathing under control. Shiro had promised to never leave him, and he kept saying that he would come visit whenever he could and that he wasn't leaving forever, but those words weren't enough to stop the raging chaos in Keith's head. He was being left. He was going to be alone. Shiro was never going to come back. He shouldn't have let him in. He knew better than this. Everyone left him.
That's how Shiro found Keith, hands fisted too-tightly in his hair with tears and snot streaming down his face as ragged breaths drug through his lungs. Shiro cautiously walked across the room to sit next to his little brother before slowly pulling Keith into his lap. Shiro spoke in a low, soothing voice that helped Keith's breathing slow down and even out as he listened. He gently untangled Keith's hands from his hair and put them at his sides. Shiro kept one arm tightly around Keith, knowing how it made him feel safe, while he ran his other hand through Keith's hair, waiting for him to calm down. Keith silently cried into Shiro's chest long after his heart slowed back down and his body stopped trembling.
Their parents found them like that, lying against one another on the floor asleep. They figured it was best to leave them be, but covered the two with one of Keith's weighted blankets they had bought for him when his panic attacks had started a few weeks after they had taken him in.
The next three years passed quickly, and soon Keith found himself at the Garrison, finally reunited with his brother who had quickly become an established and reputable pilot. Their class difference made it hard for Keith to see Shiro much outside of their one free day each week, but that only served as motivation for Keith to become the best pilot in his class so he could see Shiro more.
He didn't pay any attention to the other cadets, even thought they all seemed to bond and find friends early on in their training. Keith didn't see the point, and he didn't know how to make friends without Shiro around to encourage him. It didn't matter, because soon Keith had gained quite the reputation of his own. The younger brother of Takashi Shirogane. The brothers who were flying protégés. Keith, the new cadet who picked up flying like he'd been doing it all his life. The kid you didn't want to mess with unless you wanted to be seriously ignored or receive a glare that rivaled Iverson's own famed stare.
Things were working out for Keith. He had finally found what he was good at, and damn was he good at it. Flying gave him the feeling of freedom that he had been chasing since he was four years old. For once in his life, he wasn't afraid. He knew he should be, that he could crash and die or kill someone or who knows what else, but he wasn't. Flying was like breathing. And he had his older brother showing up the world by piloting important missions a year before his class was supposed to be cleared to do so. Keith had found something he wanted to do the rest of his life. He had found a dream, and in it, sitting in the cockpit flying beside him, was Takashi, high above Earth's atmosphere
Then his dream shattered into a million pieces.
Shiro had promised he'd only be gone for a few months. That the Kerberos mission was absolutely safe and that nothing was going to go wrong. That Keith had to promise not to get into any fights without Shiro there to hold him back.
But Shiro broke his promise.
So Keith broke his.
He lashed out at every pitying glance he got in the halls from his instructors and from the other cadets. He fought anyone who would take the bait, trying to find a way to feel something, anything other than the empty, gaping hole in his chest.
The final blow that demolished any sense of stability in Keith was the press release stating that the failure of the Kerberos mission had been determined to be the result of pilot error. Keith knew his brother. He didn't make errors. The Garrison knew something, and they were going to tell Keith where his brother was.
Rather than going to the simulator that day like he was scheduled to, Keith sought out Iverson. If anyone knew something, it would be that creep. Keith found him instructing a group of cadets in his class, but he didn't wait for him to finish his lecture. Keith slammed open the door, yelling at Iverson and demanding answers about the Kerberos mission. The entire room went quiet; the calm before the storm.
When Keith was finally being forcefully escorted off the grounds with the promise that he would be incarcerated if he ever stepped foot on Garrison property again, it was not before he had snapped Iverson's nose with the force of his right hook. He had told Keith that Takashi Shirogane was missing, along with Mathew and Sam Holt, because Shiro screwed up. Keith called him a liar, among other things. Iverson responded with a growl, telling Keith that he had better shut up and straighten out before he ended up dead like his failure of a brother. It was like a switch had been flipped inside Keith, and suddenly he was the same violent, angry, and scared kid he had been every hour of every day before he met Shiro. He snapped. It took three instructors to pull him off of Iverson.
Keith was in a dark place in the months that followed. He lived alone in a shack he found in the desert, one that reminded him of the hovel his father had lived in, which only added to his unhealthy state of mind. He searched day in and day out for clues, for any sign on Earth and among the stars that Shiro was still alive and could be saved.
That's when he found the strange carvings in the cave and felt something calling to him. He knew in his gut that this would lead him to Shiro, somehow, but he never would have guessed that the special event the walls predicted would involve breaking into a high-security Garrison research facility and violently knocking several doctors out. Not that he was complaining. He was shocked and relieved to find Shiro lying on the table, but he was frightened by how different this Shiro was. His hair, which had always been dark and perfectly styled, was white in the front, he had a deep scar stretching across the bridge of his nose, and his arm... Keith felt his rage threatening to boil over the surface but he told himself to keep it together until he had Shiro safely out of there.
Then three strange cadets ran through the doors, and the rest was history.
They found the Blue Lion, landed on Arus and met Allura and Coran, learned how to form Voltron, and flew headfirst into a very real war that had been raging on for over ten thousand years.
In the beginning, Keith was torn. He was nearly sick with relief that he had finally found his brother and gotten him back. But he was different. He had been held captive and tortured and forced to fight for entertainment. He still cared for Keith, that much was undeniable, but he had aged more in the time he was gone than he had his entire life combined. Keith... Keith didn't know him anymore. And it hurt.
Then there were the others. After Shiro disappeared, Keith promised himself he would never open up to another person ever again. Shiro had been the one exception in his life, and Keith was not about to go through that again just to have someone leave him behind again. He tried to stay indifferent, to keep his distance for the others, but there is only so much privacy one can have when you are stuck on a ship in the middle of space fighting a space war.
Keith tried so hard to keep them out, but they broke through. It happened slowly, slow enough for him not to realize until it was too late. Shiro, differences aside, slid back into Keith's life as his mentor and as the person he was chasing. Shiro brought stability and order back into Keith.
Next it was Pidge, who seemed more of Keith's type than the others. Pidge was the younger sibling he'd never had. They understood loss in a different way than Keith did, but the two found solace in one another's company. They understood the necessity of silence and being focused. Pidge brought mischief and passion back into Keith.
Next would be Hunk. Keith couldn't help it. The guy was kind and compassionate and showed every creature he met the same level of friendliness and understanding. He made Keith feel safe, which was something he had never found so easily. Hunk brought friendship and care back into Keith.
Allura was a complicated one. Keith could see the same devastation and emptiness in her eyes that he saw in his dreams every night. She had lost even more than he had, which he didn't think was possible. Keith never thought he'd find someone who could be as driven and angry as he was, but damn did he find that in Allura. Even after finding out about his Galra heritage (though that took some time) she was a strong figure in his life. Allura brought motivation and loyalty back into Keith.
Coran, Coran, the gorgeous man. Keith had never had a crazy uncle, but Coran certainly filled that role out quite well. He'd lost just as much as Allura, but he never lost sight of the mission at hand and always made sure that everyone felt welcome and was taken care of. Coran brought serenity and simplicity back into Keith.
Then there was Lance. Keith vaguely remembered him from the Garrison even though he denied it, simply because the guy had bugged him so much it was impossible to completely ignore him. He was impulsive and brash and didn't take things as serious as he always should... but he was also funny and kind, always putting the needs of others above his own. Even with his stupid, self-proclaimed rivalry with Keith and his ridiculous antics and skin care routine, Keith felt himself drawn to the Blue Paladin. First as a friend, though both had adamantly denied it. But then as something more. The hidden looks, small smiles, lingering touches. The gravitation to be by each other even when the situation did not require it. It took Keith a long time to recognize the warm feeling in his gut and the rush in his head for what it was. The first time he had kissed Lance against the cold, metal wall leading out of their hangars, it finally clicked. Lance brought happiness and love back into Keith. And Keith loved him back.
Keith loved everyone on his team, but his love for Lance was different. It was strong and wild, holding him together while at the same time threatening to tear him apart at the strength and raw passion between the two. He wanted to stay by Lance's side forever. He never thought he was capable of loving another, and he'd lived so long believing he could never be loved, but Lance grabbed him from the far recesses of his mind and pulled him into the great, big brightness that was the universe when they were together.
Maybe that's why he was so scared now. He didn't want to be alone again. He didn't want to lose any of them. He didn't want to lose him.
This was why he had tried so hard to keep them away. He knew it would come down to this one day. Despite his best efforts, he got too close and they got too close and now someone was going to get hurt...and he didn't think there was any coming back from this one.
Keith took several steadying breaths before opening his eyes and surveying everything around him. They had been fighting all day, and their exhaustion was clear as day. Everyone had suffered multiple wounds from the battle on the ground earlier that morning; that was hours ago. Now they were in the air as Voltron, trying to win another major battle. It wasn't going well.
Keith could feel everyone's doubts and fears, and his own exhaustion was doubled from sharing the mental link with the other four battle-worn paladins. Shiro was trying to keep them together, trying to keep his orders short, calm, and efficient, but their enemies were too powerful. They were going to lose. They were going to die.
He didn't want to die.
He couldn't let them die.
He had to protect his family.
Keith watched the huge ion cannon charging up to release the blast that would finish off Voltron. The lethal blast was specialized to spread through whatever it hit, meaning even if it only hit an arm or a leg the entire team would feel its devastating effects full force. Plus their mental link would share each individual's pain with the others, multiplying the force of the blast even further. It was a little bit of overkill if you asked Keith.
The cannon continued to charge up, and the team was helplessly forced to watch. There were dozens of ships surrounding them, pushing and firing to prevent them from moving. Team Voltron had fallen right into their enemy's elaborate trap.
Keith was acutely aware of the emotions flooding from Lance. If there was one thing that boy did with no reservation, it was feel. His fear of imminent death, regret he'd never be able to see his family back on Earth, concern for Blue, second-guessing their actions that led them here. Of all the things Lance was broadcasting loud and clear, the most powerful was the love he felt toward Keith and his longing to spend more time together.
Keith felt his heart breaking into pieces as a tear rolled down his face beneath his helmet. He loved Lance so much. He loved this team more than he had ever loved anything in his life.
More than his own life...
The idea set his nerves on fire and made his stomach twist in knots, but he pushed it all down as he communicated with Red what his plan was. His lion sent a wave of reassurance and admiration for her pilot. Keith was aware of everyone else growing unsettled as his feelings started to reach them. He knew he only had a little more time before it would be too late, so he explained what he was doing as simply and quickly as he could. He tried his best to kill the fear rising in his gut so the team wouldn't know. They didn't need to know he was so weak.
Keith grabbed his controls with shaking hands.
Keith heard Lance screaming at him, begging him to stop, crying that he didn't want this. Keith didn't bother trying to hold back the tears flooding his eyes. He whispered that he was sorry. Even quieter was his last message to Lance.
I would destroy every galaxy for you. You showed me what it was to live. To love. The universe can't exist without you in it, Lance. I'm so sorry I'm leaving you. I'm so, so sorry but you guys are my family. I can't let you die, and if there's a chance I can save all of you, I'll take death any day. I love you so much, Lance. Goodbye.
The cannon was firing, but Keith was ready. He gave Red his order and the lion responded, breaking free from Voltron and leaving the other lions and paladins behind them. Keith and Red flew full speed at the blast, putting as much distance between them and the others as they could in such a short period of time. Keith only hoped that the aftershock of the blast wouldn't be bad enough to power down all the other lions since there were still so many battleships to take down before they could leave the area.
Keith was scared. But more than that he was relieved that his family and the boy he loved were going to live to see another day. He finally did good. It took him 20 years, two of which were in space, but he finally was good enough, quick enough, and strong enough. He'd finally found home and he wasn't going to let it die, even if that meant he couldn't be there to enjoy it.
The last thing Keith felt before the blast hit was his teams undying love for him. The last thing he heard before the wave of unbearable heat and pain hit him was three simple words.
I love you.