Work Text:
The room was lit with the bright summer sun, which made everything look somehow softer and warmer. The pictures on the wall added an almost boringly mundane feeling, if the one looking at them didn’t know who the people in them were and what their job was.
Brandt tried to focus on the sunlight and the singing of the birds coming from outside. He was glad that Ethan had finally gotten to go home. Hunley had made the decision to give him some unlimited time off, until (and if) it was decided it was okay for him to get back in the field. Things were beginning to look almost normal again. They could all get together and watch movies. Brandt only wished Ethan had removed some of the pictures from his wall, as they stirred some memories that still hurt. Rubbed at the wounds that still bled.
Ethan had met him at the porch and immediately rushed inside to get the food ready. Brandt studied his features. He still was too pale, still had the dark bags under his eyes. Brandt couldn’t blame him, really. However, there was something else in his worn features. Something Brandt couldn’t really place.
“I don’t get it,” Ethan breathed out, sitting down by the table. Brandt shot him a look and realized that Ethan looked just confused more than anything. He didn’t speak, waiting for the host to continue. “How come the others don’t come over?”
“The others?” Brandt was now mirroring the other man’s confusion. “Jane and Luther are on their way, they should be here any minute now”.
Ethan shook his head.
“I wasn’t talking about them, I was talking about the others,” he looked at Brandt a bit impatiently and sighed at how he was still not catching up. “Benji, Jack, Sarah… are they out of town or something?”
Brandt could feel the hairs on the back of his neck rise as deep unease settled in his stomach.
“Oh, wait,” Ethan rubbed at his face, as if remembering something. “You’ve never met Jack Harmon and Sarah Davies, have you?”
Brandt mechanically shook his head. He had heard those names. Had seen them in reports. Jack Harmon and Sarah Davies had been on the same team with Ethan, many years ago. They were dead. Had been for almost twenty years now. And Benji… Brandt’s heart clenched painfully at the memory. He still stared at Ethan, unable to say anything.
“That’s strange that you still didn’t get to meet those two,” Ethan still looked pensive, trying to get his memories in order. “I’ve got to arrange that someday”.
“Ethan-“ Brandt started with a weak and raspy voice, but stopped, not knowing how to proceed. They had warned him about this. After Benji’s death Ethan hadn’t seemed like his right self, ranging anywhere between fierce denial and fits of self-hatred and blame. In those moments he would just sit alone, repeating over and over again that it should have been him and not Benji. Never Benji. Benji had done nothing to deserve that. It wasn’t Benji’s fault, nothing was Benji’s fault. He kept saying that Benji had died his, Ethan’s death, and now Ethan had to keep living as punishment. Time went by and he had seemed to get better though, which is why they had decided to release him. He had seemed normal for a while, up until now.
“Maybe they are out of town…” Ethan sighed. “I feel like I just forget some things. Probably the after-effects of that concussion I was in hospital with”.
Brandt was afraid of opening his mouth. He had no idea what would come out of it if he did. Even worse – he had no idea what should come out of it. The knock at the door saved him from his predicament. As he watched Jane and Luther walk inside and greet him and Ethan, he silently wondered, how on earth he was going to deal with this.
More days and weeks went by. Ethan acted completely normal, with the exception of occasionally bringing up his dead friends in the most casual ways possible, still waiting for them to come over. Brandt didn’t respond to that, couldn’t muster the energy to form any kind of response. It still didn’t feel that real even to him. He still somehow subconsciously expected to see Benji any day soon. And every time he realized he was thinking about it, he would recall the image of a motionless and lifeless Benji lying in Ethan’s trembling arms, and his throat would clench up and he wouldn’t be able to say anything anyway.
One day, when he came for another visit, Brandt noticed that Ethan was all but beaming at him as he opened the door.
“You just missed them!” Ethan sighed after shaking the younger man’s hand in greeting. “They were just here, like, half an hour ago. They finally came to visit me earlier today, all three of them. They promised to come over again soon, so you can still catch them. Sarah and Jack got together, man. How could I have forgotten that happening? That concussion must have gotten me worse than I thought. And Benji…” Ethan’s smile grew wider. “Benji couldn’t stop apologizing for not coming sooner,” he didn’t notice the increasing paleness of Brandt’s face and the pained grimace it was turning into. “Benji really should stop apologizing. It wasn’t his fault that he was on that assignment that kept him away for all this time. It wasn’t his fault…” he suddenly fell silent. He stood for a few seconds, staring into the empty space. “Wasn’t his fault,” he muttered again under his breath.
“You okay?” Brandt finally choked out, amazed at how he was able to look Ethan in the eye and talk to him. He felt like the ground was shaking underneath him.
“Yeah,” Ethan replied, stretching out the word with uncertainty. “I feel like I’ve forgotten about something important. And I just can’t figure out what it is…” he looked up at Brandt. “What am I missing?”
For what felt like hours, there was silence as they looked at each other, each with his own questions. Brandt couldn’t remember the last time he had seen Ethan smile. Couldn’t recall him ever being so happy. His expression now, right before asking the question, had been pure bliss.
“I don’t know,” Brandt finally shrugged nonchalantly, turning away before Ethan could see the tears in his eyes.