Chapter Text
“Do people normally get this restless over something like this?”
“Just breathe; you’re going to be fine.”
“Have you ever done this before? I only take advice from someone with experience, you know.”
“Have I met another human being before? Why yes, Jesper, yes I have.” Jesper could practically see Nina’s stance over the phone, her hands on her hips, her lips flat with defiance.
He couldn’t help but chuckle. “You know what I mean. Is Inej there? I need her wisdom.”
“Do you not trust me? How dare.” But he could already hear Nina passing her phone.
Inej’s voice came through clear and definite. “Stop being a baby.”
“Hello to you too, Inej darling,” Jesper said.
He could hear her sigh. “Just breathe; you’re going to be fine.”
Jesper let out a long exhale. “Thank you, I needed that.”
He heard Nina’s exasperated voice in the background. “That’s exactly what I said!”
“It sounds better when I say it,” said Inej with a smile in her voice.
“She’s right,” said a new voice.
“Matthias? Am I on speaker phone? Are you all hanging out without me?”
“We thought you could use the moral support,” Matthias said.
Jesper methodically taped his thumb against the steering wheel, an uneasy feeling stirring in his gut. “You guys, I’m really nervous.”
Nina cooed sympathetically. “Jesper, everything is going to be okay. Kaz wouldn’t sabotage you with an insufferable flat mate.”
“Yes, he absolutely would,” Jesper said, feeling the heat in his cheeks at the mention of Kaz’s name.
“Maybe,” Nina admitted. “But I hear the flat mate is really cute.”
Jesper coughed, “That doesn’t matter.”
“It does, and you know it.”
“Kaz told you he was cute?”
“Christ, no, Jes. He sent me a picture from Instagram, but only because I asked for one.”
“Where are you?” Inej asked him.
“I’m on my way to the flat as we speak,” Jesper said.
“Just be yourself…except hold off on the flirting until you warm up to each other, alright?” Nina advised.
Jesper scoffed indignantly, “I do not flirt with just anyone.”
Inej laughed a nice and earthy sound. “You will hit on anything with a pulse, and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you talk up a mannequin before.”
He could hear Nina and Matthias’s laughter in the background. “Okay, first of all, that mannequin had a very lifelike face, and secondly, I’m gonna have to go, I’m pulling into the parking lot.”
Nina made a loud disappointed noise. “Okay, babe, give us a play-by-play on how it goes.”
Jesper grinned, “I will. Love you all, bye.”
He hung up with a warm feeling in his chest, thankful for the small, but a trustworthy group of friends.
The apartment complex looked plain from the outside, but Jesper already knew the inside was much more interesting. 304 was the number he had scrawled on a piece of paper, the number of his new apartment, his new life. He parked as close as he could to the building and walked up the concrete stairs that led up to his floor, feeling a flutter in his stomach. His eyes flitted over the numbered plaques outside of each door, his heart skipping a short beat when his eyes landed on the most familiar number combination.
Good Lord, hold yourself together, he told himself. Three quick raps on the dark green door and he could feel the anxiety crawling under his skin. His fingers ran through his short hair, his jaw, the back of his neck. He was just one big ball of nerves, wasn’t he?
He heard quiet footsteps from inside, and he swallowed dryly. The door swung open and Jesper wasn’t quite prepared for the boy who stood before him.
Well, he supposed Wylan Van Eck was actually a man, being twenty-two and all, but his appearance would make a bar look like a bouncy house. Wylan had fair skin, flecks of brown just on his nose and his cheeks, about five foot six, a lean body frame, ruddy red-gold curls, and possibly the bluest eyes Jesper had ever had the pleasure of seeing. Without even realizing, Jesper’s eyes trained on Wylan’s lips, shaped like a bow, naturally pinked, and looking fantastically dainty. He had a septum piercing and was wearing a buttoned shirt underneath a soft gray sweater. Style, Jesper thought, I like it.
Wylan smiled widely and held the door open to let Jesper in. “Hey, it’s nice to finally meet you.” His voice was sweet, like butterscotch. He held out a small hand.
Jesper shook it firmly, feeling the slightest bit of dizzy at the softness of the boy’s hand. “Likewise.”
He stepped through the door, and his eyes grew wide in wonder. He didn’t know apartments could look this fascinating; he thought they were just a myth that hipster Tumblr bloggers made up to make everyone jealous. But alas, as he studied the room from ceiling to floor, he knew those apartments were very much real. It was a warehouse loft, which meant the kitchen, dining room, living room, and laundry were all in one big space, while the metal spiral staircase led you up to the bedrooms and bathrooms. None of the pieces of furniture looked like they came from the same set, but they went together. Pieces of bohemian style art and décor were placed graciously around the space, and the kitchen looked like something out of Southern Living Magazine.
“Ho-ly cow,” Jesper breathed, and Wylan grinned.
“I’m glad you like it,” he said, closing the door behind him and running his hands over the thighs of his jeans. “Do you need help with your things?”
Jesper placed his keys on the wooden side-table next to the couch. “Yeah, I could use a hand.”
It took only three trips to carry all of Jesper’s belongings up from his car to his room, and they set all of his boxes on the shiny dark-wood floor next to his bed. His room had deep red walls, a writing desk, dresser, bookshelf, and the comfiest bed Jesper had ever seen.
“The mattress is new,” Wylan explained, “but I imagine you brought your own bedspread, so I didn’t bother putting any on. I hope it’s okay for you.”
“Oh it’s perfect, don’t worry,” and Jesper truthfully couldn’t help but wink, “I’ll be sure to put it to good use.”
Wylan coughed like somehow a piece of dust had lodged itself in his throat, and Jesper wasn’t sure it was humanly possible to redden that quickly. Oh, this will be fun.
Wylan, after returning to his normal color, showed Jesper the rest of the house, though there wasn’t much to show after the first initial walk-in. He showed him how the dishwasher, washing machines, and shower worked and gave him the wifi password.
“It’s J-A-N-V-A-N-E-C-K and then a one,” he explained as he typed it into Jesper’s phone.
“What’s it mean?”
Wylan licked his lips and Jesper had to concentrate very hard to understand his words. “It’s my dad’s name; it used to be my password for everything so I guess it’s just a habit.”
“So, I guess you and your dad are close?” Jesper asked, taking his phone back.
Wylan laughed dryly, “Not exactly, but close enough.”
Jesper decided not to pry any longer. Wylan cleared his throat and pointed to Jesper’s phone. “And you have my number, right? Just text me if you ever get locked out.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that, I’m an excellent locksmith.”
Wylan’s eyebrow cocked, “Really?”
“No, I lose my keys faster than my patience. But yes, I do have your number. And I didn’t even have to buy you a drink.”
Watching Wylan go pink could quite possibly one of Jesper’s favorite pastimes.
**********************************
There were many things that Wylan didn’t like about Jesper Fahey from the first three hours of living together. Firstly, Jesper was always in movement, never still, even for a conversation. His hands always grazed the closest things they could reach, whether it was fiddling with the buttons of his shirt, or tinkering with a piece of plastic. It drove Wylan insane seeing all of that anxiety in a single being; it made his own anxiety worse. Secondly, Jesper talked entirely too much, and for absolutely no reason whatsoever. He simply announced anything he was feeling, and as much as Wylan appreciated honesty, hearing Jesper’s inner monologue constantly was going to lead Wylan to his grave. Thirdly, he could tell that Jesper was most definitely a lover, not a fighter, and wasn’t afraid to express that vocally. Wylan was already insecure of how easily he could turn from cream to rose in less than three seconds at the drop of a hat, but Jesper’s slick innuendos and sweet talking certainly wasn’t helping.
As he helped Jesper unpack and set his belongings in their proper place, he knew he could waste no time informing Jesper on the way Wylan worked.
“So, I know we go to the same school, yeah?” Wylan started out, knowing good and well they went to the same university.
“Yep, Ketterdam Uni,” Jesper replied, looking for an outlet for his MacBook.
“It’s behind the desk. Yeah, so I am majoring in chemical engineering.”
“Ah, so you’re a science nerd,” Jesper grinned, showing off his display of gleaming white teeth.
“A bit of one, yes,” Wylan smirked. “Being in that field, there’s a lot of studying involved.” He spoke slowly as to not seem insensitive.
Jesper rose a hand and nodded, “No, I get it. Don’t fret, poppet, I’ll stay out of your curls when you need me to.”
Wylan couldn’t help but feel relief. “I do have a bit of a system though when it comes to studying.”
“Elaborate, young one.”
“Sometimes I will hole myself up in my room, and that’s only because my room is soundproof. I can’t cram for an exam unless I have absolute silence. If you need me, just knock, because I won’t hear you calling my name.”
Jesper nodded for him to continue.
“When I’m not cramming, I can usually study anywhere, but I like to keep my stamina when it comes to that. Is that okay?”
“I won’t bother you when you need to study, check.”
“How do you study?”
“Ah, I usually do it late at night when my mind is the clearest. I do my reading in the mornings when I just wake up, but you can bother me as much as you like.”
Wylan locked eyes with Jesper who was smiling charmingly, and noticed for the first time the wispy gray of his eyes and tried his darndest to keep his facial coloring at bay.
“Yeah, I just thought I would let you know. I get kinda cranky during midterms and finals, so I apologize in advance for anything I say when I’m sleep deprived and running solely on Five Hour Energy.”
For the first time of their meet, Jesper laughed. It wasn’t long, just a loud bark, and it nearly scared the pants off of Wylan with its suddenness but made him smile as well.
“I get what you mean, man. I’m a bit of an espresso addict, so that coffee machine in the kitchen is going to be put to good use.”
“I’m glad someone will use it, I hate coffee.”
“It looks expensive, why on Earth would you buy it?”
“Kaz told me you’re obsessed with coffee. I thought it would be…nice.” Wylan’s voice trailed off as Jesper’s eyebrows slowly rose and his grin broadened.
“Glad to know that Kaz is looking out for me.”
“He seems to be.” He couldn’t help but notice the hint of timid in Jesper’s voice while discussing Kaz.
The rest of the day went smoothly for the most part. Jesper, though he made noise wherever he went, kept mostly to himself, cleaned his dishes once he was done with them, and unpacked in a timely manner. Wylan could already tell that Jesper was not a tidy person, but appreciated the “ordered” in the ordered chaos that his new flat mate maintained.
That night, after the two ate their separate dinners, Wylan could hear Jesper in his room, talking on the phone. He knew eavesdropping was wrong, but sitting at the table with a bowl of ramen wasn’t eavesdropping if he could hear Jesper’s voice from all the way downstairs.
“The place is really great, Nina, you would love it. You should come see it tomorrow before class, bring Inej, too.” There was a pause. “Yeah, yeah, he is, I guess.” And then he laughed. “Shut up! You’ll just have to see for yourself.”
Wylan felt an unsettling feeling in his stomach and decided to put his earbuds in to keep from listening in on his roommate’s conversation. He easily lost himself in Cantabile et Presto, feeling the music sweeping him away.
**************************************
“Do you know if he has any, like, super gross habits?” Nina asked greedily.
“Jesus, Nina, I’ve known the kid for five hours for crying out loud.”
“I know, but are there any red flags so far?”
“So far, he just likes studying in peace, which is natural for a human being. He’s tidy, which is gross, but I can fake it until the end of the year.”
“Tidy people are insufferable,” Nina groaned, and Jesper could hear Matthias protesting in the background.
“Tell me about it. He doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would yell at me for it, though.”
He could practically hear Nina’s eyebrows shooting up, and he prepared to be bombarded with more questions. “Is he as cute as he is in the picture? How tall is he? Are his eyes really that blue, or is that because of the filter?”
“I haven’t seen the picture, five six maybe? And his eyes are…incredibly blue.”
“Jesper Fahey,” Nina breathed. “Is that a hint of…breathlessness in your voice?”
Jesper rolled his eyes. “For the love of god, Nina, give it a rest. I’ve known him for five seconds.”
“I’d just like to see you settle down with someone nice.”
“I will, but I’m twenty-three, I have a billion years to settle down. Right now, I’m just trying to make money and get through school.”
Nina’s voice lowered into something more serious. “I know, Jes. Your dad would be so proud of you if he could see you right now.”
“Stop talking about him like he’s beyond the grave,” Jesper chuckled. “I’ll give him a call once I get settled in, and maybe we can talk.”
They both knew that was a lie, but neither of them had the balls to say it out loud.
“It’s getting late,” Nina said through a long yawn. “I think I better tend to my man before I pass out.”
“Nina, that’s gross, you don’t have to tell me that.”
“I just thought you’d like to be updated on my s-”
“Hanging up now!” Jesper exclaimed, and tapped the end call button, feeling a grin on his face that only Nina Zenik could bring.
He bit his lip nervously, and then opened a new text message and addressed it to Kaz.
Hey, it’s my first day here. Wylan seems like a good guy. Thanks for setting this up J
He got a reply half an hour later and felt his heart droop slightly.
You’re welcome.
Were feelings ever easy?
********************************
“I didn’t know you wore glasses,” Jesper called to Wylan from the kitchen.
Wylan glanced up from his laptop, breaking the eye-to-screen contact he had been keeping for hours, and pulled out an earphone. His wide-rimmed glasses glinted from the bright screen, shielding his eyes from sight. He looked dazed. “Hmm? Oh, yeah. Only for studying when I need to focus really hard. It helps my reading.”
Jesper clattered around in the kitchen, looking desperately for his coffee mug that he swore he put with his bowls. “I like it. It gives your face more personality.”
“I thought my personality gave me personality.” He put his earphone back in, and his eyes were glazed over once again, but there was a new sass in his voice.
“Keep telling yourself that.” He made a triumphant noise as his hands blindly closed around the handle of his favorite cup and he pulled it out of the top cabinet. “Oh, and I’m having a friend come over and look at the place before we go to class, is that okay?”
“Should be fine,” Wylan said in a monotone voice. Then, his eyes flitted up as if he was just now hearing Jesper. “Just one?”
Jesper placed his cup under the espresso machine. “Well…she might bring a couple more people, but we’ll only be here for ten minutes before we have to bounce.”
Wylan made a strange face but didn’t protest. Jesper swore Wylan’s face was mere centimeters from his laptop screen.
“Is this how you always study?” Jesper asked him.
“It’s the only way I get things done.”
“What’re you listening to?”
“All of the lectures I recorded this week, and the audio version of the textbook.”
“So, you’re an audio learner?”
“I remember better when I listen, yeah.”
“Alright, keep doing what you’re doing. We won’t bother you.”
Jesper pulled out his phone and sent a quick text to Kaz, though he knew he was just digging himself a deeper hole. Nina and Inej are popping by the apartment in a few. Care to join? He knew Kaz lived no more than five minutes away from them; a quick stop-by wouldn’t kill him.
A few minutes later, there was a loud knocking coming from the door, and Jesper’s heart leaped from excitement. He dashed to the front door and swung it open without even having to look through the peephole. Nina stood there with her arm linked with Inej, both wearing grins like fools. Nina wore her usual hipster wanna-be clothes; mom-jeans, a crop top, a beanie over her brown waves, and white Vans. Inej had her hair in an elaborate braid that slinked down her back, wearing a sweatshirt that was four sizes too big, black skinny jeans, and her favorite pair of leather ballet slippers. Nina’s grin widened as she squealed between her teeth, and bounded inside, dragging Inej with her.
“Wow!” she exclaimed immediately, her eyes grew big with wonder.
Wylan looked up from his laptop and yanked the earbuds out of his ears, standing up from the table.
Inej made eyes at Jesper as Nina made her way to where Wylan was sitting. She held out a hand. “I’m Nina, I’m sure Jesper goes on and on about me.”
Wylan took her hand and smiled warmly, but there was a bit of tightness around the edges. “Oh, yeah, he doesn’t shut up about you two.” He shook hands with Inej as well.
“Of course, we’re amazing.” Nina walked back towards Jesper, mouthing “WOW”, making Jesper go red.
“Speaking of amazing,” Inej said in a kind voice, “This apartment is beautiful.”
Wylan’s smile was timid. He pushed his glasses further up his nose with the tips of his fingers. “Thank you.”
Nina and Inej gave themselves a tour, with Jesper trailing behind them nervously, working his jaw. He didn’t know why he was anxious, but the feeling always lingered inside of his, sometimes deep within his chest, and often moving outwards, just beneath his skin.
Nina flopped down on his bed, the mattress’s springs creaking. “This is legendary,” she moaned, her voice muffled by his comforter.
Inej sat next to her and looked around his room. “This is really nice,” she told him, her eyes glittering.
Jesper ducked his head. “It is. I honestly don’t know how I can possibly afford it.”
Inej tilted her head. “More hours at the café?”
“Way more hours. I’ll have to budget my time like crazy.”
“I can help you with your schedule if you need to. You know I’m good with that.”
Jesper couldn’t help but smile at his friends’ eagerness to help him. “That would be amazing, thank you.”
Nina still had her face buried in his bed. “Uh, Nina, I think you’re suffocating yourself,” Jesper told her.
“No, I’m making love to your sheets right now.”
Jesper barked out a laugh. “That’s disgusting; get off of my bed, you heathen.”
Nina giggled and sat up, bouncing excitedly. “So…” She cocked an eyebrow and Jesper immediately knew what she was going to say.
“Please, don’t.”
“What? He’s cute.”
“Nina!” Jesper’s hands flew up in exasperation. “You know I’m not looking for anything serious right now, I can barely find time to bathe, let alone give someone else my undivided attention.”
“Someone already has your undivided attention,” Nina mumbled.
Inej’s mouth flew open. “What? Who?”
Jesper glared at Nina, feeling embarrassment rise from his neck to his ears. “No one, Jesus. My mind is in a million places right now, I just don’t have the energy to have anyone taking away from that.”
Inej nodded understandingly but glanced conspicuously between Jesper and Nina, and Jesper knew that she realized something more was going on.
Jesper’s text alert sounded, and with his heart stuttering, he pulled it out to see a reply from Kaz.
Can’t. Busy.
He should’ve known. Why should he be surprised? He locked his phone again and shoved it back into his pocket. “Yeah…no one.”
“Damn, we’ve got to move out, class starts in ten.” Nina heaved herself off the bed with a grunt and they all headed down the stairs in silence.
Wylan still sat at his laptop, eyes closed in a concentrated quiet, rocking back and forth like a tiny wind-up toy. Inej leaned towards Jesper and whispered, “He’s like a toddler, isn’t he?”
Jesper nodded and tapped the boy on the shoulder. Wylan looked up at him, slightly startled.
“We’re heading out,” Jesper told him, and Wylan nodded in understanding.
“It was nice to meet you!” Nina called as they headed out the door.
“Likewise!” Wylan said cheerily.
Nina shut the door behind them and scrunched up her nose. “He is so sweet, it’s sickening.”
“If he’s so cute, why don’t you ask him out?” Inej asked her.
“I am a truthful and loyal woman, I would never even think of such a thing.”
“You’re such a bad liar. You’ve been with Matthias for a year and a half, for Christ’s sakes,” Jesper chuckled.
“I know. Gross, right? Commitment is so boring.”
*************************************
Focus…Focus…Focus, damn it! Wylan slammed his fists on the table in frustration. The sound echoed off the wide walls of the apartment. He ripped his earbuds off, took off his glasses, and buried his face in his hands, rubbing furiously at the skin over his eyes.
He had been trying to write the same paper for three days straight. It was just a weekly lab report, to keep his professor updated on all the ongoing experiments going down in the laboratory. He did it every other week, switching on and off with Kuwei, one of his classmate, never late in turning it in. It was due tonight at 11:59 am, and Wylan could see the numbers ticking away behind his eyes.
He used his phone for writing papers, to keep vertigo away. He would use a voice recording to write all the words down, and pay one of his classmates to format it properly and check for any grammar mistakes. It was exhausting work, especially with multiple written assignments every week. Tests were nearly impossible to complete, but this semester, his professors had granted him accommodations, making the text more comprehensible and the time limit longer – a cruel joke Wylan’s father played on him, informing the college of his “learning disabilities” and requirement of “special needs”. He had been sitting in front of the computer for what seemed like days, trying to string together multiple sentences, but the letters swam across the page, incoherent symbols that Wylan couldn’t distinguish. His ability to read fluctuated several times a day, sometimes he could read a few paragraphs before they began to dance around and he would often be able to read a street sign with no trouble at all. But there were days like this, where a single word could spring the entire page into chaos. Suddenly, all vowels turned into a’s, and every consonant was a squiggle of insect legs. His vision blurred, and not just from the tears of frustration.
Don’t be the boy your father thinks you are, he told himself firmly. Read. Prove him wrong. But he couldn’t, could he? No matter how hard Wylan studied, or how vigorous his work schedule was, his father would forever be disappointed by the sorry excuse for a son he had been cursed with. Jan Van Eck would never let his son live his existence down.
As the first drops of tears slipped off of Wylan’s nose and onto his phone screen, the door banged open. Faster than light, Wylan used his sleeve to wipe the wetness from his eyes and put his glasses back on. He thanked God that his chair was turned away from the front door.
“He-e-e-e-llo, humble home,” sang Jesper, sauntering inside and practically slamming the door behind him. He was alone, so Wylan assumed Nina and Inej had gone to their own apartments.
Wylan regulated his breath and swallowed thickly, hoping the redness in his eyes would be clouded the reflection in his lens. Jesper rounded the table and leaned on it, heaving an exaggerated breath. “What a day,” he said.
“Difficult classes?” Wylan asked, typing aimlessly on the computer.
“I’ll say. My professors are straight-up bonkers.” Jesper made his way to the kitchen, opening the fridge and peering inside. “Do we have any food?”
“Have you gone grocery shopping?”
“That’s a good point. Any idea how?”
Wylan cocked an eyebrow, “You’ve never bought food for yourself?”
“I was kidding, of course, I have. I have time, I’ll go there now,” Jesper checked his watch. “Anything you need?”
Any scrap of intelligence, Wylan thought immediately. But instead, he said, “A couple of Five-Hour Energies, maybe. I’ll pay you back.”
“That won’t be necessary. Should I get some eye drops, too? Your eyes look kind of red.” Jesper squinted, attempting to look behind Wylan’s glasses.
“Allergies. I’ll be fine.”
Jesper looked at his watch. “In that case, I’ll head out now. I’ll be back in a few.” And then he was gone, taking all noise with him.
Wylan breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that Jesper hadn’t thought anymore of his watery eyes, and ceased clattering around the kitchen. But as he sat, his palms digging into his eyes, a shuddery sob threatening to spill from his throat, Wylan craved company more than anything. Silence filled up the room like fog, deafening to the point of near-insanity. It burrowed inside of his chest and swelled into black, leaving a hole of dark that took more than energy drinks to fill.